Author's Note: TW/CW: TW/CW: References to self-harm, swearing, casual alcohol use, underage alcohol use, references to past trauma
My goodness. It's been a whole year since I first posted 'I'm Fine' on FFnet. Here we are, a WHOLE YEAR LATER, and I'm releasing a chapter of the SEQUEL? Absolutely wild. THANK YOU for going on this journey with me, and continuing to. I appreciate each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart. To my commenters: I see you and THANK YOU! I read each comment and am grateful from the bottom of my heart. You all are the best. I wouldn't be here without you. ALL MY LOVE!
I have Remus share 'his' thoughts on birthdays in this chapter, and it's my birthday philosophy. I'm so glad you're here. Whatever type of year you've had. You made it and THAT is a feat. You're a rockstar.
You make SUCH a positive difference in this world.
Always remember, you are loved.
Chapter Summary: Harry has a session with Remus. They talk about his depression. Harry's birthday arrives. It's been a year.
Previous Chapter summary: Minerva joins Remus and Sirius with Harry. Draco heals Harry's arm. Remus and Sirius talk to Harry and show him what really happened. Harry's depression gets worse. There's a full moon.
Dumbledore was right. Sirius and Remus did spend most of the night thinking about Harry. They made sure to have some fun, but they also thought about their son a lot.
They were relieved (but not surprised) to find Harry safe and sound in Minerva's care and took him back to their quarters.
Remus had a session with Harry the next day and brought something up.
"Harry, I am proud of how hard you're working. I know your depression has been pretty rough the past week or so."
"That's putting it lightly," Harry agreed, pulling on a fidget in Remus' office.
"How do you think you're doing?" Remus asked.
Harry shrugged. He kept his eyes downcast but replied. "Okay. I mean I'm doing better than I was. It's starting to get better. I'm not as tired as I was earlier and I'm able to do more now, which is really nice. It's so hard to explain how debilitating it is unless someone gets it, y'know? Like it sounds like I was so physically sick, but I was so mentally sick that I couldn't move. I'm just glad you understand."
"I do understand and I'm honored you share with me. I'm happy to hear that you're feeling better, even if just a small amount. Small victories, yeah?"
Harry gave a small smile and nodded, agreeing.
"Are you having thoughts of hurting yourself?" Remus asked after a beat of silence.
Harry shifted uncomfortably and kept looking down. He shrugged and bit his lip.
"What are you thinking?" Remus asked kindly.
"I mean, kinda. It's not like before, though," Harry quickly said, looking up.
"That's good," Remus said with a reassuring smile.
Harry looked back down. "I am not in danger of hurting myself or anything. I mean, I want to, but I'm not or anything."
"That's good. I'm glad you're starting to feel better. How are the coping skills going?"
"Okay," Harry replied. "They're good and all but I'm starting to get tired of the same ones over and over, y'know?"
Remus nodded. "I absolutely do. You still have your list of fifteen, yeah?"
Harry nodded.
Remus thought for a moment. "There are different things you can do depending on how much energy you have. You can clean and do chores when you have more energy, if you want to, of course. One for lower energy might be doing a puzzle."
"Like a jigsaw puzzle?" Harry asked.
"It could be. It could also be a word puzzle like a crossword puzzle or a math puzzle like Suduku."
"Huh. I didn't think of those," Harry admitted.
"It's what I'm here for," Remus winked.
Harry gave him a small smile. "D-Do you have any of those I could use?"
"Of course!" Remus said. He got up and went to a cabinet where he pulled out some softcover books with puzzles and a small jigsaw puzzle. "We have some in our quarters, too. I'll show you where they are when we get back there. I'll give these to you right now so that way you can carry them with you where you go."
"Are these muggle?" Harry asked curiously.
"The Sudoku is. The crossword puzzles are magical."
"Cool, thanks Moony Da," Harry said, looking at what Remus handed him.
"Anything for you," Remus said, smiling.
"Moony Da, are you and Dadfoot mad I haven't been doing much?" Harry asked, voicing some of the anxiety he had.
"No! No, not at all! We know you're working through a lot of difficult things right now. We are proud of you for fighting to be here."
"Okay. Good. Thanks," Harry murmured, putting his head back down again.
"Is there anything we've said or done that's made you think that?" Remus asked patiently.
Harry shook his head. "No! You and Dadfoot have been great. My brain just," Harry sighed, "tells me things sometimes that aren't true."
Remus nodded. "I understand that. It's hard when our own brains are feeding us lies."
"Yeah," Harry agreed.
It was quiet for a moment before Remus said. "Do you want to talk more about what is said in your head?"
Harry paused before shaking his head. "Not really, if that's okay."
"Of course. Just remember that you can get us at any point if those voices become too much or too loud, right?"
"I know," Harry replied honestly.
"Good," Remus said. "Harry, there's another thing I'd like to ask you about if you're okay with it."
"Course," Harry replied, looking up at Remus.
"Your birthday is coming up in less than a week," Remus began carefully.
Harry looked back down again.
"I wanted to know how you were feeling about it."
"Wait, really?" Harry asked, looking back up.
"Of course! It's your day!"
"I thought you were going to have some big party like Dadfoot loves."
"Harry, it's not Dadfoot's day. Besides, we just enjoy being you and keeping you safe," Remus reminded him.
"I don't want to disappoint either of you."
"You won't! You would never disappoint us with something like this. Harry, we love you."
Harry gave a weak smile. It was quiet for a few minutes before Harry spoke.
"I don't want to do much. I-I know I'm doing better, but I can't do much right now. I don't think I want anyone here. I don't want a big deal of it. I can't handle it all right now."
"I hear you. We won't do anything big, I promise. If you do decide to invite anyone, friends or family, let us know. We will certainly respect your wishes."
Harry let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. "Thank you. Uhm, can you talk to Dadfoot about it? I know I'll have to speak with him about it, but I would rather you bring it up first, uh if that's okay?" Harry said quickly, stumbling over his words.
Remus gave Harry a reassuring smile. "Of course, Cub. I'm happy to. And I can tell you right now that he will understand and be supportive of your idea because it is exactly that- your idea. He loves your ideas. He loves you."
"Thanks, Moony Da."
"Of course. Now, what else is on your mind?" Remus asked.
Harry and Remus easily filled up a session that lasted a little over an hour before Harry went back to the Marauder Quarters.
On his way back, Harry ran into Draco.
"Harry?" Draco asked as he thought he saw the boy walking.
Harry looked up. "Draco?"
"How're you doing? I haven't seen you in at least a week," Draco commented.
Harry shifted uncomfortably between his feet, knowing that Draco hasn't seen him since the incident. "Yeah. I've been with my godparents."
"And that's good! Professor McGonagall told me you were alright and that she saw you. How're you doing?"
Harry shrugged. "Better, I guess."
Draco narrowed his eyes. "You guess? Or you are?"
"I am," Harry replied.
Draco backed off but didn't seem fully convinced.
"I just came from a session with Moony Da, Draco. It's fine."
Draco didn't love that Harry used 'fine', but let it slide. "Okay, good. I'm glad to hear that. Are you walking back to your quarters?"
Harry nodded.
"I'll walk with you."
"I can be by myself," Harry protested weakly, despite knowing this was the first time he was alone since everything happened and he knew Remus was watching him on the map.
"I know that, but I missed my friend. Can I please walk with you? We don't even have to talk."
"Sure," Harry agreed.
The two boys slowly walked back to the Marauder Quarters. It was silent at first, before Draco started to tell Harry a lighthearted story about something that happened with Blaise when he was staying with him. Harry was thankful that all he had to do was listen and even managed to chuckle a few times.
"Thanks, Draco," Harry said once they got to the door. "I appreciate it. For the story and everything. And just being cool about it all."
"You're my mate. I get it. Can I pop my head in to say hi to Uncle Sirius really quick?"
"Course," Harry agreed as he opened the door.
"Pup! I'm glad you're back!" Sirius said as soon as he saw Harry.
Harry knew that Remus must've sent Sirius a patronus letting him know he was on his way back but didn't say anything about it.
"Yeah. Hi, Dadfoot," Harry said as he walked in.
"Hi, Uncle Sirius!" Draco said, popping his head in the door frame.
"Draco! How are you?" Sirius asked, taking a few steps toward the boys.
"I'm good. I'm heading to help out Madame Pomfrey, but I'll see you around!"
"We're here for you, Draco!" Sirius called out as he waved goodbye to Draco.
"How'd everything go with Moony Da?" Sirius asked.
"Good."
"Did he give you some stuff?" Sirius asked, seeing the puzzles Harry was holding.
"Oh, yeah. Some puzzles and stuff. He said we have some too."
"We certainly do," Sirius affirmed. "We have them in our game chest," Sirius said, going over to it and opening it up. "They're in here if you ever want or need them," Sirius waved one around.
"Cool, thanks Dadfoot."
"Of course. What can I do for you right now?"
Harry shrugged (he was doing that a lot today). "I think I just want to rest after my session if that's okay."
"Of course! I'll check on you in a bit," Sirius said.
"Thanks, Dadfoot." Harry lingered for a moment and Sirius cocked his head and smiled at him. "What is it, Pup?"
Harry paused for a moment longer before lunging at Sirius and engulfing him in a fierce hug. "I love you, Dadfoot. So much."
While Sirius was surprised by the hug, he didn't fight it. He loved it. "I love you too, Harry. So bloody much."
Sirius kissed the top of Harry's head and held him until the teenager was ready to be released.
"I'm always, always here for you. You're my boy. I love you," Sirius reminded Harry as he looked in his eyes.
Harry opened his mouth to say something but decided against it. He gave Sirius a quick hug before going to his room to rest.
Sirius was still worried about Harry but knew he was slowly getting better.
It was after dinner two days later when the topic of Harry's birthday got brought up again, this time by Sirius.
"So, Pup, Moony Da was talking to me about your birthday."
Harry stiffened and froze for a moment before reaching onto the coffee table to grab a fidget that was sitting there. "Yeah."
"Harry, I just want you happy. I'd love to spend the day doing whatever you want with whoever you want. I just had a couple of questions."
"Okay," Harry nodded, bracing himself.
"From what I understand you don't want a party, you just want to lie low, correct?" Harry nodded. "Yeah, exactly."
"Okay, cool," Sirius said, nodding. "Auntie Marlene and Aunt Dorcas were asking about your birthday. They wanted to give you a present. Should I have them come over a different day, on your birthday, or just drop the present off?"
"Oh, they can come over on my birthday. It'd be nice to have dinner with them."
"Harry, are you sure? We're not trying to pressure you into anything you don't want. We're just asking."
"No, I think it'd be nice. I don't want like a party or anything and I love my friends, but they're going to make a big deal of it and I don't want that. But I miss my aunts and I think it would be good to see them. But if you could tell them, Moony Da, that I don't want a big deal. Especially to Auntie Marls."
Remus chuckled. "I can do that. I'll have Aunt Dorcas convince her, too. You know that she's her voice of reason."
It was Harry's turn to chuckle now. "Yeah."
"We want you to have a day that makes you happy, Harry, whatever you want. We love you," Sirius said softly.
"Thanks, Dadfoot. I'm glad you understand." Harry rubbed the back of his neck. "Honestly, I was a little worried about how you were going to take it. I know you like big parties."
"I do love big parties, yes, but I love you much more," Sirius pointed out. "Besides, I married Remus. He's not exactly the drama in the room. I have learned to love quiet nights thanks to him."
Harry let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you both. I love you guys," Harry said.
"C'mere, Prongslet," Remus said with open arms.
Harry happily went to his parents and allowed them to hug them.
"We are always here for you. Always," Sirius reminded Harry.
The next day Remus knocked on Harry's door.
"Come in," Harry called out, setting aside the book he was reading.
"Hey, Cub. Can I chat with you for a minute?" Remus asked.
"Sure," Harry agreed.
Remus softly shut the door behind him and sat on the edge of Harry's bed. "I wanted to talk to you about your birthday a bit if that's okay."
Harry nodded. He tried to push down his nerves, but Remus saw right through him.
Remus gave his son a reassuring smile and silently summoned Prongs and handed it to Harry.
Harry blushed, but grabbed the stuffie and pulled on the antler, calming himself.
"Nothing's wrong, I just wanted to tell you more about my birthday philosophy."
"Okay," Harry said slowly.
"Do you remember when we'd talk about birthdays when you were younger?" Remus asked.
"Yeah, You said that for birthdays we celebrate the year we lived and to celebrate being with each other."
Remus nodded. "Yes, exactly. My philosophy on birthdays is that we are celebrating the year you lived and everything you went through. Harry, you've had a challenging year. I've seen what you've had to go through."
Harry nodded and shifted his eyes down and pulled on the antler faster, working to calm himself.
"You have made it through another year and I want to celebrate your strength and bravery. Think about how hard you had to fight to get here."
Harry sniffed. "Yeah, it was a lot of work."
"You have done so well, Harry. So well. I want you to know that Dadfoot and I are so proud of you for making it through this past year and we hope you are proud of yourself."
"I have gone through a lot, haven't I," Harry said, letting out a watery chuckle. "It's been quite a year." Harry shifted his body over on the bed. Remus took the hint and got on the other side of Harry. Harry leaned his head on Remus' shoulder and Remus ran his hand through Harry's hair.
"Merlin, a year ago I was still dealing with what happened at the last task. And I started to-" Harry pulled on the antler with more force, willing himself to calm down. "Hurt myself. You and Dadfoot found out. Umbridge used the Blood Quill on me. I found out I was a Horcrux. I started private lessons with you. I became friends with Draco. I have been working with Grandma Min. I started Occlumency lessons. I had a vision about Dadfoot. I was captured. I found out about more properties that Dadfoot has. I took my OWLs." Harry let out a breath. "Yeah, I guess it is a good time to say that I survived it all."
"And it wasn't luck, Harry Potter. You made it through," Remus reminded him. "You are a brave, loyal, smart, hardworking, strong, and brilliant boy who makes the world better. I am so glad that you are here."
Harry wiped away a tear. "Thanks, Moony Da. I love you."
"I love you so much, Cub."
Harry was nervous about his birthday, but he needn't be. He woke up with chocolate chip pancakes made by Moony and a pile of presents.
"All of these are for me?" Harry asked, in awe.
"You don't turn sixteen every day," Sirius pointed out.
"No, they're not all from us. They came from your friends, too," Remus pointed out.
Hermione got Harry a fictional wizard book on how runes predicted a Quidditch win. From Ron, Harry got some candy and a very orange Chudley Cannons jersey (so they can match). The twins gifted Harry free joke supplies. Minerva left a thoughtful card saying that her gift for Harry was in progress (but still gifted him a nice book on Transfiguration). Albus gave Harry some sugar quills and a framed picture of all four of his parents (which caused all of them to tear up). Draco gave Harry some rare potion supplies.
"Draco said that he'd love to see you later if you're up to it. He said if not he'd see you later this week," Remus said, smiling.
"Yeah, maybe," Harry mused.
"Now our presents!" Sirius exclaimed, jumping up and down.
"Down, Padfoot," Remus rolled his eyes.
Harry laughed at the banter between his dads and opened up the presents they got them.
"Is this another portkey necklace?" Harry asked as he carefully took it out of the box.
"Yes, with an additional feature. " Sirius confirmed. "If you hold onto it tightly for ten seconds, ours will warm up. That way, if you ever need us, you can hold it and we'll know,"
"Brilliant!" Harry said, putting it on.
"Sometimes there are times when you want us or want to let us know you're in distress, that don't require a portkey. We want you to use that anytime you need to, especially when you're in the castle. We'll use the map and find you. We're always here for you," Remus reminded Harry.
"C-can I test it out? Or is there a certain amount of times I can use it?" Harry asked.
"There's an unlimited amount of times you can use it. We'll check the charm in a few months, but it should last much longer than that," Sirius said. "Go ahead and try it out."
Harry tightly gripped the stone in his hand and Remus and Sirius felt their necklaces warm up and they pulled out their stones. "They work," Remus announced with a smile.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Harry said, hugging them. "This is great."
"I'm glad you like it, Cub," Remus said with a smile.
"My family money does come in handy every once in a while," Sirius commented, satisfied.
"Sirius!" Remus hissed.
"What? It's true!" Sirius insisted.
Harry shook his head at his parents and picked up the second box they had for him.
"Keys?" Harry asked, recognizing the muggle car keys.
"I want to try to teach you how to drive. I learned the muggle way which royally pissed off my parents. I think it'd be nice for us."
"A motorcycle or car?" Harry asked.
Sirius smirked.
"Sirius Black! I thought it was just a car!" Remus hissed.
Sirius shrugged. "Who am I to stop him from learning both?"
Remus shook his head but smiled at the utter glee that Harry had.
"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" Harry cried as he ran to hug Sirius. "You're the best godfather ever!"
"I know," Sirius agreed.
"And you're the best godmother!" Harry said, hugging Remus.
"I love you too, Harry," Remus said, kissing the top of Harry's head.
Harry's stomach grumbled. "Can we have the pancakes now?" Harry asked.
"Of course. Let's go," Remus said, smiling.
Harry smiled. Today might just be okay after all.
Later that night, as Remus was finishing dinner, the fireplace roared and Marlene and Dorcas stepped out.
"Where's my birthday boy?!" Marlene called.
"Marlene, be calm," Dorcas whispered, reminding her.
"I can be excited to see my nephew," Marlene argued.
Dorcas bit back a sigh. She loves Marlene's energy and positive vibes, she just wants to make sure Harry's comfortable.
"Auntie Marl! Auntie Dorcas!" Harry smiled as he went to the fireplace.
"Happy birthday!" Marlene cried as she hugged him.
"Marlene," Dorcas warned.
"It's okay. Thanks, Aunt Dorcas," Harry said as he leaned in to hug Dorcas.
"Happy birthday, sweet boy," Dorcas whispered softly.
Harry didn't know this, but as he hugged Dorcas, Remus, who had popped out fo the kitchen, gave Marlene a warning look (which sufficiently calmed her).
"Now, I have dinner on the table. Homemade fish and chips. Who's hungry?" Remus asked, clapping his hands together.
"Famished!" Marlene said as she and Dorcas went hand in hand to the kitchen.
Dinner was a lighthearted affair with the annual story of newly 1-year-old Harry riding on a toy broom he got for his birthday.
"Your mother was not a fan," Sirius said. "I can still hear her screams." Sirius screwed up his face and started to immitate Lilly. "Sirius! Why do you think it'd be a good idea to get a one-year-old a BROOM! HE'S ONE! HE CAN FALL! REMIND ME WHY WE NAMED YOU GODFATHER?!"
"I tried to tell her that there were cushioning charms, but it didn't really help the situation," Sirius winced.
"Dorcas and I helped talk her down," Remus said. "Alice, too."
"You kept it in the end, but it was mostly a secret for when Moony and I watched you," Sirius said.
"And let's not forget that you wanted Harry to fly down the aisle at our wedding," Remus pointed out.
"We were able to sneak it in at the reception," Sirius reminded him.
"My mom must've been so mad," Harry commented, despite hearing this story many times as well.
"She was less than pleased," Remus admitted.
All of the adults were caught up in their memories as Harry stayed quiet, lost in his thoughts.
Remus saw this after a moment and said, "Yes, Harry."
"Huh?" Harry asked, being pulled out of his thoughts.
"I'm telling you 'yes' to what you're thinking."
"And how do you know what I'm thinking?" Harry challenged sassily.
Remus eyed him for a moment before saying, "You really want me to pull out my therapist skills."
"Do it," Harry dared.
Remus smirked and said, "Yes, Harry. Your parents would be proud of you right now. I know that where ever they are, they are proud of you and love you so very much. They're happy you're with us and they're so proud of the man you're becoming."
Harry paused for a moment before tearing up and furiously wiping tears away. "Damn it, Moony Da! I didn't want to cry!"
"And you wanted me to pipe down!" Marlene said, sticking her tongue out at Remus.
"Now kids, no fighting," Sirius teased them.
Dorcas, being an adult, comforted Harry and whispered words in his ear. She wiped some tears from his eyes and said, "There. Now you can see all the foolish things your godparents do."
Harry chuckled and managed to smile. "Thanks, Auntie Dor."
"Anytime, Love."
The four adults and sixteen-year-old finished their delicious dinner before bringing out a treacle tart for Harry as they sang happy birthday.
"Make a wish," Sirius said as Harry stared at the candle.
Harry squeezed his eyes shut before blowing out the candle.
"Let's hope it comes true," Harry muttered as Remus started to pull out the candles and serve the treacle tart.
"What'd you wish for?" Sirius asked, bugging Harry.
"Dadfoot, I can't tell you that or it won't come true!"
Remus smiled and watched his son out of the corner of his eye and smiled. He was so glad to see him happy and relatively carefree.
All of them eventually retreated to the sitting room where, ahem, some (many) spirits were open. Sirius and Remus even offered Harry a glass of firewhiskey or alcoholic butterbeer
"Really?" Harry asked.
"Sure! You'll be legal next year, anyway," Sirius pointed out.
"Okay!" Harry agreed. Sirius had a point, after all.
"Which one?" Sirius asked.
"The butterbeer," Harry replied quickly. He didn't want to mess with firewhiskey after what happened with Snape.
"Are you okay?" Remus asked, checking in.
"Yeah, I'm good, really. I just don't want it," Harry said, shrugging it off. He didn't want firewhiskey to always be a trigger. It usually wasn't, anyway. Just when someone was drunk on it was normally a trigger.
Sirius handed Harry a glass of the alcoholic butterbeer and then raised his glass. "To Harry. Happy sixteenth birthday. We love you."
"To Harry!" Marlene, Dorcas, and Remus echoed, cheers-ing their glasses.
Harry grinned and took a sip of his butterbeer. It didn't taste that much different from regular butterbeer. Maybe a little, but he was pleasantly surprised.
"This is really good!" Harry said.
Everyone chuckled. "Don't get any ideas. We've got a year left to keep you innocent," Sirius teased him.
"Because you were so innocent," Harry shot back, smirking.
"I was!" Sirius said, putting his nose up.
"Oh, Sirius Black you were the opposite of innocent!" Marlene giggled.
"I would say the same thing," Remus agreed.
"You're part of the reason he wasn't so innocent!" Marlene cried, pointing.
"Hey! I'm still here!" Harry said, not wanting any details.
"You made sure you had a reputation for yourself, Sirius," Dorcas said, smiling.
Harry took a sip of his butterbeer and leaned back. This was nice. He was around people he loved having an evening full of laughter, stories, and smiles. It wasn't a wild party, but it was exactly what he wanted.
Harry stayed with them for another couple of hours before he decided it was time to retire to his bed.
"We can leave," Dorcas offered.
"Oh, please stay. I know the guest bedroom is ready for you both. I just want to go to bed."
"Alright then. We love you, Harry. Happy birthday," Dorcas smiled.
"Night Auntie Marl. Night Auntie Dor."
Both ladies hugged Harry goodnight and kissed him on the cheek before Remus and Sirius walked him to his bedroom.
"Did you have a nice birthday, Pup?" Sirius asked as he changed Harry's clothes into pajamas.
"Yeah, it was perfect. Thank you both so much."
"Thank you, Harry. Thank you for being you and being our son. We love you," Remus said.
"I love you both, too."
"Goodnight, our sixteen-year-old. Sweet dreams," Sirius said.
Remus and Sirius tucked Harry in and even sang 'Beautiful Boy' to him, just like when he was a baby.
That night, Harry slept just as peacefully as he did on his first birthday. All was going to be okay. What a year it's been. What a year it's going to be.
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music
15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)
16. Puzzles (jigsaw, Suoku)
Suicide Hotlines:
USA: 988 (press 1 for veterans)
Canada: 1 (833) 456 4566
France: 0145394000
Italy: 800860022
UK: 0800 689 5652 OR 116 123
Brazil: 188
India: 9999 666 555
Mexico: 5255102550
Romania: 0800 801 200