TW: References to alcoholism, past trauma, isolation, references to self-harm
Hi, lovelies! Thanks for being patient with this chapter. I'm hoping to have the next chapter out before next Friday (when I go on vacation). Let me know what you think of this chapter! All my love! (you are so so so loved)
Chapter Summary: Harry finds out what happened the first time he met Professor Slughorn when he was six. Harry learns more about Professor nape and the upcoming school year. Harry sneaks out to talk to Albus.
Previous Chapter Summary: Marlene tells Harry about the job. Harry and Remus have a therapy session and talk about hope and the future. Harry talks to Draco and encounters Slughorn.
Harry slept in the next day and talked to his parents before lunch. After lunch, however, Harry was surprised to see that Professor Dumbledore had come to visit.
There was a knock on Harry's bedroom door. "May I come in?"
"Grandda?" Harry asked, sitting up in bed.
"It is I," Albus affirmed.
"Uh, sure. Come in," Harry agreed.
Albus came in and softly shut the door behind him. He sat on the edge of Harry's bed.
"Harry, I heard you had a difficult day yesterday. How are you doing?"
Harry shrugged. "Okay. Better than before."
"That's good," Albus smiled. "I was also told that you saw Professor Slughorn."
Harry nodded.
"I wanted to talk to you about him if that's alright."
Harry nodded again.
"Do you remember meeting him when you were younger? You were around 6."
Harry thought back to the memory.
6-year-old Harry was sitting on his grandfather's lap in his office as they were looking through a book together. Suddenly there was a knock at the door.
"Come in, Horace," Dumbledore called.
Harry saw the man walk in and he looked up at his grandfather.
"It's alright, Harry. This is a friend. Can you say hello to Professor Slughorn?" Albus asked
"Lo," Harry said quietly as the former professor approached.
"Albus! I didn't know Harry Potter would be here!" Horace said, grinning as he sat down in a chair in front of Albus' desk.
Harry wrinkled his nose. He still wasn't quite used to strangers making a big deal about him.
"Harry, Professor Slughorn taught your parents," Albus softly told the young boy.
Harry's eyes lit up after hearing that.
"You knew my parents? All four of them?" Harry asked excitedly.
Horace looked at Dumbledore with a raised eyebrow.
"Yes, Harry, he knew all of them. He taught potions. He especially knew your mum."
"My mum? Really?!" Harry asked. "Can you tell me about her?"
"Of course! Lily was a brilliant student. She excelled in potions! She was going to become a healer which I thought was a good use of her skill. She could've even been a potions mistress if she wanted to. Quite the brewer!" Slughorn said.
"I don't 'member her," Harry admitted quietly. "She died."
Horace shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "She did, yes. I'm sorry."
"It's sad. I wish she was alive."
"Me too," Horace said, tears coming to his eyes.
"But now I have Moony Da and Dadfoot and they are great! They tell me about my parents, especially my dad. I don't hear as much about my Mum. It is so cool you knew her!" Harry said, smiling again.
"Harry, why don't you grab your coloring book and go near the fireplace? I want to talk to Professor Slughorn for a moment."
"Kay," Harry agreed as he hopped off of Albus' lap. He grabbed his coloring book and crayons and went to the fireplace to color his dragon picture (it was a Hungarian Horntail- very cool).
Once Harry was a safe distance away, Albus turned to Horace and gave him a polite smile. "How's retirement treating you, Horace?"
"Oh, fine, fine. I am enjoying it. I do doubt you've called me all the way here to discuss retirement," Horace pointed out, raising an eyebrow.
"Horace, please," Albus began.
"No, Albus. I already gave you the memory."
"It was tempered with! I can tell! Horace, please. I'm so sure he made Horcruxes. I need the memory."
"I don't know what you're talking about," Horace sniffed.
"Horace, you were a professor answering a question. Tom was a bright student. He wasn't a killer then. You didn't know. It's okay," Albus tried to plead.
"You certainly have some Slytherin manipulation tactics," Horace pointed out as he stood up. "Please, stop asking me for it!"
Suddenly, Harry went back over to the two wizards. "'Fessor?" Harry asked, pulling on the sleeve of Horace's shirt.
"Yes?" Horace asked, looking down at the boy.
"I made dis for you. It is you and my mum and a super cool dragon!" Harry said.
Horace gently took the paper Harry was proudly looking out.
Indeed, Harry drew a picture of Slughorn and Lily (a woman with red hair and green eyes) standing together underneath the dragon.
While Harry was six and only made stick figures, Horace's eyes welled up with tears. He looked back at Harry and gave him a watery smile. "You do have your mother's eyes."
"I know my Mum was really great. And if she liked you, that means you were nice to her. I wish she was here, but I know she's watching me. She's watching right now!"
Harry cupped his hands around his mouth "HI MUM! HI DAD!"
Albus chuckled and Horace just kept smiling.
"You can keep it if you want," Harry offered shyly, taking a couple of steps towards Dumbledore in case he needed protection. He still didn't know Professor Slughorn, after all.
"I would like that, thank you," Horace said, looking at the drawing once more.
"Would my mum like that, Grandda?" Harry whispered (however it was a 6-year-old whisper so Horace heard the boy loud and clear).
Albus smiled. "Yes, Harry. She would like that very much."
"Good!" Harry said as he went off to go color again.
"He's quite a special one," Albus commented as Horace folded the drawing and put it in his pocket.
Horace looked at the boy for a long moment before looking back at Albus. "Yes, he is."
Slughorn sighed. "Fine. I will give the memory. Just…. don't think any less of me. I would never do this if I know what I know now," Horace said, worried.
"I would never."
Horace pursed his lips together before sighing. He closed his eyes and withdrew a memory and placed it into a vial Albus had placed on his desk.
"I'll be leaving now. Goodbye," Horace said, leaving the room awkwardly.
Albus smiled at the vial that seemed to have a dancing memory inside of it.
"Harry?" Albus called out. "Why don't we see if Professor McGonagall is available? I do believe she'd like a new drawing for her classroom."
"Yeah! Grandma Min!" Harry cried, standing up and rushing to the door.
Albus smiled. He dropped Harry off before quickly returning to the memory and viewing it.
It was as he expected. Young Tom Riddle was interested in Horcruxes even then. They were real.
Albus filled Harry in on the parts of the memory that he didn't remember, such as the conversation he missed when he was coloring.
"So you suspected Horcruxes then?" Harry asked.
"It was just a theory. However, once you found the diary, it pretty much confirmed my suspicions."
"So you used me to get Professor Slughorn to share the memory?" Harry asked slowly.
Dumbledore winced. "It was not my proudest moment. However, you were wonderful."
"I was six!" Harry exclaimed. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "It's over now and I know it helped with Tom. But why, Professor, are you telling me about this now?"
"Horace still remembers that day quite clearly. I wanted to make sure you had the facts if he brings it up. You also deserve to know the truth. I daresay I have kept enough from you over the years."
Harry didn't disagree with that.
"Anything else, Professor?" Harry asked, feeling annoyed.
"No, not at this moment. Is there anything I can do for you?"
"No. I just need some space."
"Very well. I love you, Harry," Albus said.
"Love you too," Harry mumbled. As Albus stood up and went to the door, Harry said, "Actually, can you please tell my parents what you told me? I don't think I can handle telling them right now."
"Certainly," Albus agreed.
Harry tried to distract himself when Dumbledore was talking to his parents. At one point, he heard Sirius yell and then it was silent.
Figures, they'd put up a silencing charm, Harry thought, rolling his eyes.
A few minutes later, a head popped in Harry's door. "Harry? Can I come in?"
"Sure, Moony Da," Harry agreed, expecting this.
Remus slid in and sat on the edge of Harry's bed. "So, Albus told us what he told you."
Harry shrugged. "Not really surprised, but more disappointed? And annoyed?" Harry said, trying to figure out his feelings.
"Yeah, that makes sense. I'm here if you want to talk about anything or process anything. I know it's fresh and new so I want to respect your boundaries and your processing."
"Thanks. I'm okay right now. I just want to be distracted. I don't really want to think about it."
"We can do that. We can do something together or you can do something by yourself," Remus offered.
"Uh, we can do something together. Where's Dadfoot?" Harry questioned.
"He, uh, needs a few minutes to cool down," Remus said, wincing.
"Ah," Harry said, nodding. He understood now.
"How bad is it?"
"Not that bad. It's not good, but he'll be talking to Albus again within a week. He knows that it was a good reason, but he hates the fact that he used you, especially without our permission."
"Yeah. It's uncomfortable," Harry admitted.
"While Albus has grown since that moment and has gotten better, it is still an uncomfortable situation and it's okay to have any feelings about it. You're allowed."
"Thanks, Moony Da. Um, one last thing before the distraction. Why is Professor Slughorn here? He is a potions professor. He talked about me being in his class. What is going on?"
Remus took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Cub. We didn't talk about this well enough."
"What do you mean?" Harry asked.
"Do you remember how we talked about how Professor Snape was going to take time for himself to get better and sort some things out?"
"Yeah," Harry agreed.
"He's not going to be teaching potions, at least for the first few months. He'll still be in the castle and I think he is still going to be head of Slytherin, but he won't be teaching right away. We're telling people that he's taking a short sabbatical to further his potions' mastery. It's a common practice in muggle and magical academia."
"Is this my fault?" Harry asked, horrified.
"No! Harry, no!" Remus assured him, giving him a love touch. "Severus needs to recover for himself. It is not your fault. Even without what happened to you, Professor Snape needed to take time for himself. You have done nothing wrong. Nothing."
Harry slowly nodded and took a slow breath. "Oh, Okay. Good."
Remus gave Harry a small smile. "That's my Cub."
"So what do I have to do?"
Remus was a bit confused by Harry's question. "What do you mean?"
"With Snape," Harry said.
"Nothing, Love! You don't have to do anything! We are working with you. We are on your side. You don't have to see him, do anything with him, or talk to him until you want to and you are ready. No one is going to tell you when you should do any of those things."
"Oh, good," Harry said, relieved. He didn't know why that idea was in his head, but it was. "I mean, I'm doing better than I was, but I'm not ready. Not yet," Harry admitted.
"And that's okay! I know you're doing better. And remember, recovery isn't linear. It's okay to go up and down. You're doing wonderful, Harry. I am so proud of you."
"Thanks, Moony Da," Harry said, giving his dad a genuine smile.
"Is there anything else I can help with?" Remus asked.
Harry shook his head.
"Would you like that distraction now?"
"Yes, please," Harry said, as Remus helped him out of bed and into the sitting room.
Thank Merlin for distractions.
Thank Merlin for Remus.
The next day, Harry stayed in the Marauder Quarters, not wanting to interact with anyone. Sirius and Remus had meetings to go to to prepare for the start of the school year, but one of them checked up on him any chance they got. Harry was a tad annoyed but understood that his parents were worried about him and wanted to make sure he was safe.
They convinced Harry to have Draco over the next day, hoping it would raise his spirits.
Harry didn't waste any time telling Draco what Dumbledore told him.
"Listen, that's kinda messed up," Draco admitted. "And you're sure he was a Gryffindor?"
Harry let out a dry, humorless chuckle. "Yeah, he was a Gryffindor. I wonder how close he was to Slytherin, though. He certainly has some of the characteristics."
"I'm going to ignore that insult for now," Draco said. "How are you doing with it all?"
Harry shrugged. "It sucks. I'll get over it but it just stinks and that's where I'm at."
"That's fair," Draco said, nodding.
"What do you get to do for the rest of the day?" Harry asked.
"Uncle Sev is taking me to Diagon Alley."
"Must be nice," Harry groaned, resting his head in his hand.
"Don't you have to get school stuff as well?" Draco asked.
Harry huffed. "It was decided to OWL order my things this year because of Voldemort and everything. I understand it, but I hate it."
"Oh, sorry mate. I have to say, I've heard things when I'm not supposed to and that's probably the right decision," Draco admitted.
Harry really wanted that to make him feel better, but didn't. If anything, it just added a dreading, sinking feeling to his stomach of what was to come.
"Speaking of which, I have to go. Uncle Sev hates when I'm late," Draco said. "See you, Harry!"
"Bye, Draco," Harry waved as his friend left.
Harry sighed. If this was indicative of how his sixth year was going to go, he wasn't sure he was going to like it at all.
It eventually was the night before students were to return. At a school, it was like the night before Christmas (and the professors are all the parents trying to make it perfect for their students).
After a particularly tense discussion about why Harry wasn't allowed to ride the Hogwarts Express, Harry 'went to bed'. Remus and Sirius both checked on him, however, before they went to bed.
"Harry, may we come in?" Remus asked, knocking on the door.
"I guess," Harry said.
Remus sighed and opened the door, Sirius right behind him.
"Harry, we wanted to make sure you were okay after our conversation earlier. We know it's not fair that you don't get to ride the train," Remus said.
"I understand it, I really do," Harry admitted now that he's had the chance to calm down. "I just also hate it. And I can't live my life in a bubble, not wanting to be killed by Voldemort. I have to live eventually."
Sirius looked at Remus, knowing that was true.
Remus seemed to be processing what Harry was saying and Sirius decided to speak up. "You're right. You can't stay sheltered forever. We have to let you live. You deserve to live your life. We just felt like this was a risk that didn't have to be taken. Some do, but knowing what we know, we couldn't in good faith send you on the train."
"What do you know?" Harry asked, narrowing his eyes.
"It's just Order stuff," Remus said.
"What do you know?" Harry repeated again.
"It was thrown out there that the Death Eaters were going to raid the train looking for you. We are going to have Aurors on the train and sending out any message we can to tell the Death Eaters that you're not on the train," Sirius said.
After a beat of silence, Remus spoke. "We know you have to live your life, Harry. We also want to protect you. I know we can't do that forever, but I think you know that there will be a time when we can't protect you. You have been told that you have to defeat Voldemort. We know that. You know that. I think we also all know that there is going to be a time and a place for it. Please tell me if you think I'm wrong, but I don't think that time is tomorrow."
Harry sighed and was silent. He hadn't heard Remus talk that openly about his final battle with Voldemort. He wasn't sure how he felt about it.
"You're right," Harry agreed quietly. "It's not tomorrow. You're right," Harry nodded, his eyes glazed over with his thoughts running through his mind.
"Just because that is true doesn't mean it's any less painful," Remus pointed out softly.
Harry shook his head, breaking out of his stupor. "Yeah. But it puts things into perspective. Thanks."
"A bloody depressing one," Sirius added.
"Sirius," Remus hissed, turning his head.
Harry laughed.
"See! I made him laugh!" Sirius pointed out, grinning.
Remus rolled his eyes and shook his head. "What can we do for you, Love?"
"Nothing," Harry said. "I'm going to be okay. I just want to get some rest."
"Okay," Remus said slowly. "Do you want us to stay with you? Or for you to stay with us?"
"No thanks, Moony Da. I'm going to be okay, truly. I'm safe. I just want some space and to rest, okay?"
"Okay, we can do that," Remus agreed.
"You sure, Puppy?" Sirius asked, something gnawing at him in the back of his mind.
"I'm sure, Dadfoot. I'll get you both if I need you."
Remus and Sirius nodded and kissed Harry goodnight before softly shutting his door behind him.
Harry stayed in his bed for a long while, thinking about their conversation. He eventually tried to go to sleep, truly, but his mind had other ideas.
Remus and Sirius went to bed around 10, and around 1 am, Harry snuck out of his bedroom. He crept out the door of the Marauder Quarters and shut the door as quietly as he could behind him. He stood outside of the quarters for at least 30 seconds, half expecting Sirius or Remus to come running out of the quarters, but they didn't.
Harry grinned. He wasn't the son of Prongs, Padfoot, and Moony for nothing.
While school didn't start until tomorrow, Harry felt like he was breaking the rules as he was creeping through the corridors (not that he minded).
Finally, Harry got to where he wanted to go.
The gargoyle statue lept out of the way and Harry trudged up the stairs to Dumbledore's office.
Harry knocked on the office door and heard Dumbledore say, "Come in, Harry."
Harry walked in and shut the door behind him. He knew his grandfather would be up.
"Harry, are you alright?" Albus asked, slightly worried that it was the middle of the night and Harry was standing in his office.
"Yes. I wanted to talk to you about something," Harry said, getting straight to the point.
Albus heard the determination in Harry's voice and knew not to question him.
"Certainly. Come, sit," Albus said, stretching out his hand at a chair.
Harry sat down and Albus smiled at him with his twinkling blue eyes. "What would you like to talk about?" Dumbledore asked.
"Horcruxes," Harry said, getting straight to the point. "Specifically, Tom's Horcruxes. What else do we have to destroy? What else do we need to do?"
Albus leaned forward in his chair. "While I do not have a problem discussing this with you, what is bringing this up now? It is 1 am and your sixth year begins tomorrow. What happened?"
Harry sighed. "Professor, my life is on hold. I can't live it. I couldn't go to Diagon Alley. I can't ride the train. I can't go home or on vacation! I need to fight him. This needs to end."
Albus was quiet, thinking about what Harry said. Eventually, he said, "You understand that Tom is powerful?"
"Yes," Harry replied.
"And that the Wizarding World will exist whether you win or not?"
"Yes," Harry gulped. However, he hadn't thought much about the world if he didn't win. He knew it would be dark, but he didn't like to think about it. It didn't bother him that he wasn't there. What bothered him was the state other people would be left in.
"Are you sure you're up for this?" Albus asked, raising his eyebrows and peering over his half-moon spectacles.
Harry resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "Yes, Professor."
Albus leaned back and was quiet again, looking at Harry, before he leaned forward and started to speak. "Well, Harry, we still have more Horcruxes to destroy."
"There's me," Harry immediately said.
"We're not going to destroy you," Albus reminded him sharply.
Harry shrugged and said, "What else?"
"Harry," Albus said warningly.
Harry sighed. "Fine, fine. I hear you. But seriously, Grandda, what other Horcruxes are there?"
"Well," Albus said slowly, "I'm not positive, but I'm happy to share my thoughts with you."
Harry nodded.
"So far we have destroyed three Horcruxes. You destroyed the diary in your second year. Your godfather destroyed Hufflepuff's cup this summer. Severus destroyed Marvolo Gaunt's ring this summer. Besides you, I believe that Voldemort has another living Horcrux in Nagini. She never leaves his side."
Harry never thought of that, but it made perfect sense. He nodded, listening intently.
"I also believe that there is a Horcrux that is somehow connected to Ravenclaw, and, of course, Slytherin. I don't think Tom would've touched anything Gryffindor."
Harry nodded. "So there's four more to destroy. Where do you think they are?"
"Well, I believe that Ravenclaw's diadem is here in Hogwarts," Albus said slowly.
"Great, where? Let's go," Harry said.
"Harry, my boy, no. Your sixth year starts in a matter of hours. Destroying a horcrux takes time and energy. It takes a large emotional toll on the destroyer. It causes you pain. We are not doing it now."
"I want it all done, Grandda!" Harry insisted through gritted teeth. "I just want to finish this!"
Albus nodded. "I know you do. However, life is still happening. Time is still going. We cannot pause life for this."
"Everyone else's life gets to keep moving! Mine's on hold while we wait this out. I just need to finish this!" Harry said, clearly agitated.
Albus took a deep breath and waited for Harry to do the same. It took a minute, but Harry eventually gave in.
"Harry, I am willing to have you help me. I understand how difficult it is for you to be in the middle of this."
Harry wanted to point out that he very clearly didn't, but didn't interrupt. He pursed his lips and kept listening.
"We need to wait a couple of weeks after school starts. People need to settle in and form a routine. I know you will be busy, as well your parents and myself those first few weeks. We need to make sure that when he do go looking, and eventually destroy, the Horcruxes, we have a clear mind."
"Fine," Harry agreed, giving a sharp nod. He didn't love the plan but he understood it.
Albus watched Harry closely. A sad smile appeared on his face. "Harry, I'm sorry that this is how you are spending the night before your sixth year. You don't deserve that."
Harry shrugged. "It's my destiny, isn't it?"
Albus' expression became even sadder. "No, Harry. A prophecy is not one's destiny. It's a part of your life, but not all of it."
"Yeah right," Harry mumbled under his breath.
"Harry," Albus said, raising an eyebrow. "I can get your fathers if I feel it is necessary and I'm sure that they don't know where you're at right now, do they?"
Harry bit the inside of his cheek. "No, Sir."
Albus' mouth twitched. "I see. Why don't you head back to bed, hmm? I will walk you."
Harry nodded, not seeing any other option.
Albus and Harry walked back in silence. At the door, Albus turned to Harry and said, "You are a remarkable young man. You are not defined by this prophecy. I hope you're able to rest and enjoy tomorrow as any other sixteen-year-old would. Get some rest, Harry."
"Thanks, Grandda. Goodnight," Harry said, quietly opening the door and slipping in. Harry tiptoed to his bed.
He was surprised that his parents didn't hear him. In all honesty, they probably did and cut him some slack on sneaking out.
Harry went back to his bed but still felt angry. He felt angry tears fill his eyes with thoughts of what he had to face. Harry punched a pillow and let a few hot tears fall before grabbing his notebook and a muggle pen and writing in it, trying to get some of his thoughts out.
Eventually, Harry gave up. He angrily went under his covers and allowed angry tears to fall once again. He ended up falling asleep with his fists clenched and his face twisted with stress.
Watch out, sixth year. It's going to be one hell of a ride.
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music
15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)
16. Puzzles (jigsaw, Sudoku)
Suicide Hotlines:
USA: 988 (press 1 for veterans)
Canada: 1 (833) 456 4566
France: 0145394000
Italy: 800860022
UK: 0800 689 5652 OR 116 123
Brazil: 188
India: 9999 666 555
Mexico: 5255102550
Romania: 0800 801 200