Author's Note: TW: depressive episode, panic attack, references to self-harm
Hi, friends! I can't thank you enough for your continued love and support! I hope you enjoy this next chapter! All my love! You are important, you matter, and you are LOVED!
Previous Chapter Summary: Harry reveals his animagus form to Sirius and Remus. Harry tells his parents and Minerva what happened with Snape and the Slug Club Party. Harry has a depressive episode.
Chapter Summary: Harry is still in his depressive episode. Harry mishears his parents. He is comforted by people who care about him.
Harry, Remus, and Sirius all slept quite well that night. Remus woke up feeling much better than the day before and Sirius could tell by Remus' mannerisms and the way he held himself.
"Feeling better, Moony?"
"Much. Thank you for helping me yesterday," Remus said to Sirius, giving him a kiss.
"You're my husband. I love you. It's my pleasure," Sirius reminded him.
"Is Harry still sleeping?" Remus asked as he went to pour himself a cup of tea.
Sirius nodded. "Yeah, he's still resting. He stirred a bit when I got up, so I wouldn't be surprised if he woke up soon."
Remus nodded and handed Sirius a mug and grabbed the mug for himself. "How was he last night?"
Sirius sipped his tea before responding. "He's doing okay. He is hopeful that he feels better today. I did give him a dreamless sleep last night to help. I was thinking that a good night's sleep would help."
Remus nodded. "Ah, you drugged us both," he said, smirking.
Sirius rolled his eyes. "And you say I'm dramatic."
"Sirius Black, I've never met anyone more dramatic than you," Remus said, deadpanned.
Sirius pushed his hair back and fluttered his eyelashes. "Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all day."
Remus rolled his eyebrows and the two men sat down at the kitchen table.
"I am looking forward to going to St. Mungo's today. It'll be good to check in and find out what they think about Harry and some others."
"You've done so much for all of your students, Moony. I'm sure that you will have done most of what they suggest."
"Still, it's good to see what they say. Sometimes it takes saying it out loud to someone and hearing their suggestions to give yourself a new perspective."
Sirius nodded. "True, true."
Sirius and Remus continued to talk until Remus cast a Tempus. "It's about time for Harry to get up. I'll check on him if that's okay?"
"Yes, of course. I'll finish my tea," Sirius said.
Remus got up and kissed Sirius on the head before heading to Harry's room. He knocked softly before sliding in.
"Harry, are you awake?"
Harry blinked open his eyes. "Moony Da?"
"Hi love, good morning," Remus said, sitting on the edge of Harry's bed. He smoothed away the hair from Harry's face and gave his son a warm smile.
"How are you feeling this morning?" Remus asked gently.
Harry didn't respond but he averted his eyes away from Remus.
This did not go unnoticed by Remus. "It's about time for you to get ready for your classes and get to breakfast. You have potions this afternoon."
Harry didn't reply and played with the fringe on a blanket he had on his bed.
"Dadfoot can get you later if you want to rest more this morning," Remus offered.
"I-I don't-" Harry began quietly, trying to get the words out.
"What is it, Love? I'm all ears," Remus said gently.
"I don't think I can go to classes today," Harry said quietly. "I just want to stay here. I can't go, Moony Da. I can't," Harry pleaded.
Remus could hear the strain in Harry's voice. He could still smell the desperation and hopelessness in the air.
"Of course, Harry. That's alright. We'll get you a pass," Remus assured him warmly. "How are you feeling compared to yesterday?"
"Same," Harry said. "I wanted to feel better, but I'm not and it's really, really hard," Harry said, blinking back tears at the end.
"I hear you. It is hard. You can stay here and take care of yourself. Sometimes life can become too much and we need a break."
Harry nodded and released a breath, thankful that Remus understood.
"What can we do for you?" Remus asked.
"I just want to be."
Remus nodded. "Okay, okay. I hear you. I'm going to go check with Dadfoot, okay? He'll be fine with it, I just want to tell him what's going on and make a plan, alright?"
"I don't want to be a bother. If it's too much I'll be fine," Harry protested weakly.
Remus kissed Harry on the head. "You are never a bother. This is not too much. And remember, we want to be more than fine, yeah? I know exactly what that word means."
Harry looked away shamefully and Remus just kissed him on the head again. "I love you. I'll be back, okay?"
Harry nodded and watched as Remus left the room.
He still felt absolutely dreadful, but there was a very small spark of hope. Thank goodness for his godparents.
Remus went out of Harry's bedroom and went to the kitchen. He placed a silencing charm up and sat back down.
"Moony, what is it?" Sirius asked immediately. He was quickly able to pick up on Remus' tone and body language.
"He's not doing better today," Remus said regretfully.
"Poor Puppy," Sirius said.
"You know how we have offered Harry to stay home before? When he's having a hard time?" Remus asked.
Sirius nodded.
"He requested it this time. I told him of course he could. He's only missing potions and he's doing remarkably well in that class right now. He said that if it was too much or if it would be a burden, he would be 'fine'."
Sirius let out a hot breath of air.
"Merlin, this poor Puppy. He must feel so weary."
"I think that when we go in we can remind him about his necklace and you can check on him in between classes? Maybe Minerva too, if we get his permission. I'll check in during any break I can and when I get home, of course."
"We've got him, Remus. I want you to enjoy your day at St. Mungos."
"I will, I just want to make sure Harry will be okay."
"His room has nothing he can hurt himself with. We can place some charms on his wand that don't allow the cutting curse today. He will have people checking on him every hour or so. I promise you that we will get you if he spirals."
"Okay," Remus agreed, taking a deep breath. "I know we need Harry's permission, but I do think Minerva should know."
"I agree," Sirius said.
They sat there quietly, occasionally discussing a thought to two before they took down the silencing charm and headed to Harry's room.
"We're coming in, Harry," Remus said after he knocked on the door.
"Hey, Puppy. Moony says you're going to chill here for today," Sirius said kindly.
"Yeah," Harry responded.
"Here's what we're thinking," Remus said as he and Sirius sat down on the edges of Harry's bed. "We're going to leave your wand with you, but place a charm on it so you can't hurt yourself. We're also going to have someone check on you every hour or two. How does that sound?" Remus asked.
"Okay," Harry agreed, shrugging.
"We also want to remind you of your pendant," Remus said.
"If you need us at any time, you hold it and we will be there as soon as we can. Remember, we have matching ones. All you have to do is hold onto the stone and ours will heat up, remember? We've got you, Love," Sirius said.
"Okay, thanks," Harry said, looking down at the pendant he had.
"What questions do you have?" Remus asked gently.
"I don't have any," Harry replied quietly.
"Is there anything we can do for you before we both leave for the day?" Sirius asked.
"I'm all set," Harry said.
"I'm going to have some house elves bring you some toast. Eat what you can and leave what you can't eat," Remus said. "I want you to eat something, okay? Drink some water, too."
"I'll try," Harry replied honestly.
"Good," Remus said. "We love you. Take care of yourself."
Harry shrugged.
"What's a goal you have for today?" Remus asked.
Harry shrugged again.
"Would you like some ideas?" Remus asked.
Harry shrugged, then nodded.
"Okay. Here are some ideas. Would you like to take a shower or take a walk?" Remus asked.
"Shower," Harry replied. The thought of him leaving the Marauder Quarters was too overwhelming.
"That sounds like a great goal," Remus praised.
"Anything else?" Sirius asked Harry.
Harry shook his head.
"One last question before we go," Remus said.
Harry gave a small nod to show he was listening.
"We want to ask Minerva to check in on you when we aren't able to. Is that okay? We won't give her all the details but we would feel better if there was another adult to check in on you," Remus asked.
Harry thought for a moment, but he didn't take long. "Sure. I just don't really want to talk or move."
"I understand. Minerva does, too. I promise that you will not have to talk. We just want to make sure you're safe," Remus said
"I don't like it, but I understand," Harry agreed.
"We're just a Patronus away," Sirius reminded Harry.
Remus and Sirius both hugged and kissed Harry on the head before leaving his room.
Remus and Sirius finished getting ready before standing between the door and the fireplace.
"I love you. Have a good day," Sirius said. "Good luck at St. Mungos today."
"I'll check in and see what they have to say about Harry," Remus said. "I'll be home when I can and then I'll get Harry."
"Perfect. I love you, let me know if you need anything," Sirius said.
"Same here. Keep me updated," Remus said.
With one more hug and kiss, they went their separate ways.
Harry, on the other hand, was frozen in fear. He could hear Remus and Sirius' final conversation before they left.
Moony is going to St. Mungos? He's going to check me in? He's going to come and get me?
Harry could feel himself panicking and freezing.
He tried to calm himself down by breathing, but it was a lost cause.
In the beginning, he tried to watch the clock. He still could think rationally after the initial shock wore off. He saw that Sirius had gone to his class and had been teaching for a little less than ten minutes. Harry did everything he could to practice his mindfulness. He found things that were the color of the rainbow in his room. He tried really hard to keep thinking about the other possibilities of what Remus could've meant. He thought long and hard but ended up going down the rabbit hole with his thoughts.
Eventually, Harry found himself unable to breathe.
Now, while Harry did not want to see anyone and wasn't even fully aware of his actions due to his panic attack, he ended up grabbing onto his pendant and holding it tight.
Harry wasn't consciously doing that, but his flight or fight response kicked in and his body's instinct to survive took over.
Meanwhile, Sirius was heading to see Harry after his class was over. He knew that the house elves dropped off toast at some point during that class and he was hoping Harry ate some. He was getting closer to the Marauder Quarters when he felt his own necklace heat up. He started to sprint to the door. He tore open the door to the Marauder Quarters and Harry's bedroom and found Harry in the midst of a rather intense panic attack.
"I'm here, Harry. Dadfoot is here," Sirius said as calmly as he could. He quickly made his way over to Harry. He got behind Harry and wrapped his arms around him. He quietly whispered in Harry's ear.
"I've got you. You're safe. Shh, I've got you, Harry," Sirius said.
Remus, at this point, had burst back into their quarters as well. He was in transition to talk to another therapist when he felt his necklace heat up. He excused himself and made his way to the nearest floo.
"Sirius, what's going on?" Remus called as he flooed into their quarters.
"In Harry's room!" Sirius replied. "I found him in a panic attack. He might've calmed down some, but he's still in it," Sirius replied before going back to talking to Harry.
"Moony Da and Dadfoot are here. We've got you. Take some breaths for me, Love," Sirius encouraged.
Remus was in the room. He took Sirius' spot behind Harry and Sirius popped into Padfoot and went on Harry's lap.
"You're safe, Harry. Moony Da and Dadfoot are here. Take some breaths with me," Remus encouraged. Remus' arms were wrapped securely around Harry and Padfoot encouraged Harry to take deeper breaths by matching Harry's breaths and gradually slowing down his breathing.
Harry eventually realized who he was with and what was happening. "No! No!" Harry cried, trying to jump off the bed.
He successfully pushed away from Remus and Sirius and made it to his bedroom door, but Sirius got there first. "Harry, what's going on? You're safe," Sirius assured him.
"No! No!" Harry cried. He tried to get past the door one more time before he realized he couldn't. His breathing quickened again as he put his back against the wall and fell down it, pulling at his hair.
"Harry, we're going to back away right now. We're going to give you some space, alright?" Remus said, clearly seeing that Harry felt that his back was up against the wall, both physically and metaphorically. "We're right here. I want you to breathe with me to calm down, okay?"
Harry was once again too far gone to comprehend what was going on.
Remus noticed this. He wanted to give Harry some space but also wanted him to calm down.
"Calming draught?" Sirius asked.
"Not yet. He just had dreamless sleep and his mood is already so low. I don't want to give him a depressant unless I have to," Remus said. He waited another moment before going over to Harry. He sat on the ground in front of him. He gently reached his arms out and put Harry's hands in his own.
"Deep breath in, and out," Remus coached, moving Harry's hands with his. When they took a deep breath their hands expanded and when they exhaled their hands came back together.
Remus made it so there was a glowing orb for Harry to focus on.
"Watch the orb, Cub. Let's take another breath, ready?" Remus asked. "Inhale, and exhale. Good. You're doing brilliantly. Let's keep going."
Remus continued to help Harry breathe and as the teenager calmed down, Remus slowly backed away so he wouldn't scare Harry with his proximity.
"Harry, we're here for you. When you're ready, tell us what's going on," Remus said.
"You're going to take me. Don't take me!" Harry cried, protectively placing his arms around himself.
"We're not taking you anywhere, Harry. See, we will even set our wands down, see?" Remus said carefully. He and Sirius slowly took their wands out and set them on the floor.
"We're not going to hurt you or take you anywhere. We just want to help," Remus said, looking warmly at Harry.
Harry shook his head. "I-I don't believe you. I heard you!"
"Harry, explain to us what's going on. I promise we won't lie to you," Remus said.
"I don't want to go!" Harry cried again.
"Harry, explain to us where you don't want to go. I promise we won't take you there," Remus repeated, just as calm as before.
"St. Mungos! I heard you this morning! You said you were going to check me in!" Harry's tears started to fall.
"Love, no! We're not taking you there!" Remus said, shaking his head.
"Yes, you are! You even said you were going to get me when you get back."
"No, Love. Oh, Harry, you misunderstood us. Can we explain?" Remus asked.
Harry nodded, clearly upset.
"I'm going to St. Mungos today. You know I go every once in a while to ask about some cases with some other healers and therapists. I was going to talk about you and a few others today, not by name, of course. When I said I would get you when I came back I meant that I would be with you, like 'I've got you'. I promise you, Harry, I won't take you to St. Mungos," Remus told him earnestly.
This caused Harry to burst into tears again, even though the first set didn't end.
Sirius looked over to Remus and Remus went over to Harry. He gathered Harry in his arms and held him close.
Harry flinched at the touch but didn't fight back like before.
"We've got you, Cub. You're not going anywhere. You're safe with us. You're loved. We've got you," Remus soothed.
Eventually, Remus was able to get Harry to once again take some deep breaths again.
"You're safe with us. Keep breathing, Lovey."
Harry was able to calm down his breathing enough and went limp against Remus. "Sorry," Harry rasped out.
Remus shook his head. "There's no need to apologize, Harry. You had some pretty scary thoughts. Dadfoot and I would react the same way. You've done nothing wrong."
"You did a wonderful job holding your necklace, Harry. You did exactly what you should've done," Sirius praised softly.
Harry blushed and further buried his head into Remus. "I was only half aware of what I was doing. I just knew that I couldn't breathe. It was my instincts I think."
Remus and Sirius nodded. "That makes sense," Remus said. "You still did so well alerting us."
The three stayed on the floor for another minute or two before Harry said, "I-I'm okay now. You can go."
Remus let him go but wasn't about to leave.
Harry climbed into his bed again and looked at his parents expectantly.
"We're not leaving quite yet, Pup," Sirius said with a small smile.
"That panic attack seemed pretty intense. I'm going to do a diagnostic on you, if that's okay, to make sure you're alright."
Harry nodded and Remus waved his wand over Harry.
Remus read over the parchment that appeared when the diagnostic was done. "Physically you seem okay, although you are dehydrated and you still have high blood pressure, but I'm sure that will come down as you rest. We will make sure you get some water." Remus sat down on the side of Harry's bed. "What can we do for you, Love?"
"I'm okay, really. I feel better now. You can go."
"I'm glad you feel better. We want to make sure that you're going to be okay for the rest of the day before we go."
"You already said Dadfoot and Grandma Min are going to check on me every hour. I want you to go talk to other people at St. Mungos. I know you enjoy that."
"I do," Remus admitted. "I also enjoy being with you and having a son who is safe."
"I'm better now. Go, Moony Da. I'll see you in a few hours," Harry insisted.
Truthfully he still felt pretty shaken up, but he didn't want Remus to stay and miss his one day at St. Mungo's.
Remus wasn't convinced, but Sirius pulled him aside and whispered to him and Remus reluctantly decided to go back. "I'm only a floo away, okay, Harry? Get me anytime."
"I promise. Love you, Moony Da."
"I love you, Harry," Remus said, kissing him on the head.
Remus eventually left and Sirius sat on the side of Harry's bed. "I can play hooky with you," Sirius offered, pushing a piece of Harry's hair behind his ear. "Minnie can't give me detention anymore."
"She has given you detention before," Harry pointed out. "She's done it while you're a professor and she'll do it again."
Sirius chuckled. "She wouldn't do it this time."
"Maybe not, but you've got to get to your classes, Dadfoot. I'm okay."
"It's just Gryffindor and Hufflepuff. I think they're all good."
"Dadfoot, I'm calming down, really."
Harry was calming down some, but he more than anything just wanted to be left alone.
"If I go to my class, I'm going to tell Minerva to check on you. She isn't teaching at the moment and I need to make sure someone is with you right now."
"Dadfoot! I'm fine!" Harry insisted. "It's fine!"
"Harry, it's my job to protect you. I understand you want to be left alone, but I've got to make sure you're safe. I'll leave you alone, but I am telling Minerva to check on you."
Harry didn't reply but rolled over and faced the wall.
"I love you. I'll check on you when class is over," Sirius said, kissing Harry's head.
Harry mumbled that he loved him before Sirius left.
Harry was still sulking when there was another knock on his door.
"Harry, it's Grandma Min. I'm going to come in."
Harry didn't answer.
Minerva opened the door and shut it behind her.
"Good morning, Harry. I hear you've had quite the day so far," Minerva commented sympathetically.
Harry shrugged.
"Having a low mood coupled with panic is confusing, isn't it?" Minerva prompted.
Harry nodded.
"Is there anything I can do for you?"
Harry shook his head again. "I just want to be alone."
Minerva nodded. "I understand. Remus was the same way at times. I'll be in the sitting room grading papers, alright?"
Harry was pleasantly surprised that his professor was willing to give him space. "Really?" He croaked out.
Minerva gave Harry a warm smile. "Really. I know your fathers can be overprotective at times. I also don't want you to be suffocated. I'll check on you in a bit, okay?"
"Okay," Harry agreed.
Harry nestled further in his bed and despite feeling incredibly depressed, he smiled. At least someone was willing to listen to him at the moment.
Minerva went out to the sitting room, just like she said, and started marking papers while Harry continued to calm down in his bed.
After about half an hour, Mimerva came to check on Harry.
"How're you doing, Love?" Minerva asked, stepping inside Harry's room.
"'M okay," Harry replied quietly. "I just-" Harry stopped and sighed.
"What is it?" Minerva asked, softly shutting the door behind her. She walked over to Harry. "Tell me," she said gently.
"I just wish I had something to do with my hands. I tried my fidgets, but they weren't working. They almost took too much energy? They weren't comforting? I dunno," Harry said, looking down.
"What about this?" Minerva asked before popping into her animagus form. She curled up next to Harry and purred. A small smile formed on Harry's face and he started to pet the tabby cat next to him.
After a moment of petting, Harry said, "Th-this is good."
The tabby meowed happily and further nestled into the teenage boy.
Harry was finally able to relax as he was petting the cat and eventually fell asleep.
About half an hour later, Minerva heard the door to the Marauder Quarters open. SHe slowly and carefully made her way out of Harry's arms and off the bed. She popped back into herself, brushed off her robes, put up a silencing charm, and left Harry's bedroom.
"Minnie! Thank you so much," Sirius said, rushing to the Transfiguration professor's side. "How was he? Is he okay?"
"Sirius, you need to sit down," Minerva said, going to put an end to his antics. "You're worried and that's valid. You also need to calm your energy and calm down for Harry. Sit down and I'll get you some tea."
Sirius heard Minerva's tone and knew not to argue with that. He also knew she had quite a bit of experience dealing with him when he had high emotions.
Minerva came back shortly with chamomile tea.
"One spoonful of honey. Now, drink," she instructed.
Sirius took a sip and let out a long breath.
Minerva patiently waited at least another minute or two in silence as Sirius slowly sipped the tea and allowed tension to leave his body. Eventually, when he was about two-thirds of the way done with his tea, he spoke up again.
"Thank you, Minerva, for watching him."
"Of course," Minerva warmly replied.
"How was everything?" Sirius asked.
"He was not happy with you for sticking him with a babysitter."
"I was so worried, Minnie," Sirius said, trying to explain himself.
Minerva held up a hand. "You made the correct choice, Sirius. I agree with what you did. I am simply telling you that Harry was not fond of that decision."
Sirius let out a breath and took another sip of tea. "Fair enough."
"While Harry was not happy, I do believe he understood at some level. I gave him some space for a bit before I popped in and checked on him. He said he was trying to figure out what to do with his hands since he told me his fidgets weren't quite making the mark. I became my animagus. He petted me and he eventually fell asleep. When you came home I put up a silencing charm and now we're here."
Sirius took another pause to take in everything Minerva said. "I'm glad he's resting. Thank you for everything."
"Sirius, I was happy to help. What can I do for you?"
"I'm good, Minerva Mum. I am going to spend lunch here and I have the next period free to spend here as well. Harry will be alone from 2:40-4:00 and I'll be back after that or Remus will be back. I'm comfortable with that. Do you think he's stable enough for that?"
Minerva gave a nod. "I do. I think that he is struggling, but I don't think he's a danger to himself. He is resting right now, so you can get some rest, too."
"I'm good, Minnie. I slept well last night. Remus and Harry both had ddreamless sleep so nightmares weren't an issue. I'll relax here, but you very well know that you can't take a day off from being a parent."
"No, you can't," Minerva agreed. "But you also have to take care of yourself."
"I am," Sirius said, standing up and putting his hands on Minerva's shoulders. "I am. I am doing better now. You gave me some tea and I calmed down. I am going to make myself some food and I'll drink some water."
That seemed to satisfy Minerva enough. "Alright. If you need anything, you know where to find me."
"I do," Sirius said, nodding. "Thank you. I love you, Mum."
"And I love you," Minerva said.
Sirius kissed her on the cheek and walked her out (but not before she canceled the silencing charm by Harry's room) before doing exactly what he said he was going to do and got himself lunch.
Sirius ate lunch and graded some papers until he heard noises coming from behind Harry's door.
Sirius looked up and a blanket clad Harry emerged.
"Harry!" Sirius said, happily yet softly as to not startle Harry. "I heard you took a rest; that's brilliant. How are you feeling?"
Harry shrugged. "Still not great, but a little better after sleeping."
"I'm so glad to hear that," Sirius said. He got up and went by Harry. "May I give you a hug?"
Harry nodded.
Sirius wrapped his arms around Harry and held him tight.
Harry could feel the genuine warmth and love coming from Sirius and couldn't help but smile.
"Can I get you something to eat for lunch?" Sirius asked when their hug ended.
Harry thought for a moment and said, "something small?"
"I can do that," Sirius nodded. "I'm proud of you."
Harry felt more warmth bloom in his chest and he felt some relief, too.
He could tell he was doing better. When the praises caused him to smile and he had some interest in food again, he knew that the end of the major depressive episode was coming to an end (or at least a small respite- Harry would take what he could get.)
Sirius made Harry a sandwich, which Harry mostly ate.
To Sirius' pleasure and surprise, Harry decided to join him on the couch. Harry didn't talk much, but he leaned on Sirius and took comfort in his presence.
Sirius was so pleased at Harry's progress he was about to cancel his next class and never move again, thankful that Harry was safe and next to him, but Harry eventually got up and said, "I think I'm going to take a nap again. You've got to get to your next class soon."
"I have no problem canceling it. You are more important than anything else."
"Thank you," Harry replied weakly. "But I want you to go. And before you say anything else," Harry quickly said, seeing Sirius open his mouth. "If you stay and cancel your class I won't come out next time this happens."
Sirius knew Harry was being, well, serious. He saw the spark in Harry's eyes and Lily would have the same one. And Sirius knew from personal experience that when Lily said something with that spark, she meant it.
"Alright, I'll go. I'll be back when class is over. Moony Da might come home before me, I'm not sure. I'll leave a note that says you're resting."
Harry gave a nod and once again wrapped himself up in a blanket.
"I love you, Puppy."
"I love you, too," Harry said. He gave Sirius another hug before going back to his bed.
Sirius stood there a moment and sighed before writing that note for Remus, packing up and heading out to class.
Harry did in fact take a short nap and then he stayed in bed. He wasn't sure what time it was when there was a knock on his door.
"Come in," Harry said.
Remus opened the door and Harry propped himself up.
"Moony Da. I wasn't expecting you home soon. I thought Dadfoot would be here first."
"I finished a tad early and wanted to come check on you. Is it alright if we talk for a few minutes?"
"Yeah," Harry said.
Remus took a seat in Harry's desk chair. "How did the rest of the day go?" Remus asked.
"Okay," Harry shrugged. "Grandma Min came over and that was nice. Dadfoot was here, too. I mostly stayed in bed. I, uh, didn't have the toast the house elves brought from this morning but I had lunch when I was with Dadfoot."
"That's good," Remus praised. "I know you were anxious this morning. I am so glad you had some lunch."
"Yeah. I didn't do too much today besides that." All of a sudden a thought hit Harry. "Oh! Moony Da! I'm so sorry! I said I was going to shower and I didn't! I'm so sorry!"
"Shh, Harry, it's okay," Remus said, getting up from the chair to go over to Harry and rub his back. "There's no need to apologies. I think you've done a wonderful job today. And besides, the day isn't over, yeah?"
"I guess," Harry shrugged.
"Do you think that is still an attainable goal for today?" Remus asked.
"Yeah, I think so," Harry said, scrunching his nose.
"Would you like to shower now or in half an hour?" Remus asked.
"I-I think I can now," Harry said.
"Are you sure?" Remus asked gently.
Harry nodded.
"Brilliant," Remus praised softly. "I'll start the shower and I'll come get you when it's ready, yeah?"
Harry nodded again.
Remus kissed the top of Harry's head and walked out to get Harry's shower ready.
Harry started to mentally hype himself up, reminding himself that he could do it and that even if he just ran a bar of soap over himself and sat on the shower floor, it would be enough.
When Remus came back in, he gave Harry a supportive smile. "It's all set, Cubby."
Harry gave Remus a weak smile in return. He pulled himself away from his bed and made his way to the bathroom.
Harry undressed and got in the shower. He managed to only sit once and was able to wash his body and hair before he got out.
Harry felt mentally exhausted after, but he felt proud of himself for doing this. He was hoping that the depression would continue to subside, even if it was slow.
He went to the kitchen after he got dressed and found Remus writing some things done.
"Harry! Brilliant job!" Remus praised.
Harry blushed and shrugged. "It was just a shower."
"And that can be a rather difficult task, I would know. I am so proud of you," Remus told him earnestly.
Harry ducked his head and looked out their charmed window for a minute before being able to look at Remus again.
"Moony Da?" Harry asked.
"Yes, Love?" Remus asked, looking up from his notes.
"D-did you have a good day?" Harry asked.
"I did," Remus said, giving Harry a small smile. Remus, of course, picked up on the nervousness in Harry's voice.
"What's on your mind?"
Harry blushed again, feeling caught. "I was just wondering what they said about me."
Remus gave Harry a sympathetic smile. "Well, I didn't tell them that it was you, of course. They gave me some more tips for panic and reminded me of some other strategies that might be helpful with trauma and depression. I also asked about my other students, of course."
"Is there anything you can tell me about what they said?" Harry asked, squirming.
Remus leaned back. "Hmm. Let me think."
Harry watched Remus closely and tried to keep his fidgets and movements to a minimum, but Remus noticed and summoned a fidget for Harry to use.
Eventually Remus spoke up again. It was probably another 30 seconds after the fidget was summoned, but it felt like forever to Harry.
"We talked about progressive muscle relaxation, guided self talk, and thought stopping. I know those sound like big words, but we've already explored them some. They're all some things we will practice in therapy."
Harry nodded. He was silent for a moment before saying, "It's a... weird feeling knowing we're trying new things."
Remus sat patiently, listening intently.
"I sometimes feel like I'm a lost cause or there is nothing else you can do for me. It's good that there are new things, but it's almost unexpected. Like yeah, I logically know there's more, but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. I dunno if that makes sense."
"It does make sense," Remus said, reaching over and taking Harry's hand in his own. "And let me tell you right now that you are NOT a lost cause and you will never be a lost cause. You are never too much and you are most certainly not anything near treatement resistant. Harry, to put it frankly, you have been through a lot of shit in your life. Dadfoot, myself, and so many others don't expect you to handle it by yourself. No one could handle this without having some emotional baggage. You've had trauma and you work through it. It would be a fantasy to have someone deal with the things you had and not have any emotional responses. You are doing a spectacular job working through everything and fighting each day to be here and get better. I can't put into words how proud of you I am. You are doing amazing."
Harry smiled wearily. "Thanks, Moony Da. I love you."
"I love you, too. Now, I can see you're tired and I understand. We will talk more about this at our session on Thursday, yeah?"
Harry felt relieved that he didn't have to have a session now. "That sounds good. Yeah, I don't feel up to it today. I'm starting to feel better, but I'm not there yet."
"And that's okay. I am proud of the growth and strength you've shown. You're doing a great job. I can't say that enough."
Harry smiled again. "I know I said I was doing better, but I still don't want to go in the Great Hall. Do you think we could have dinner up here? Just the three of us?"
"Of course," Remus assured Harry, giving his hand a squeeze. "I'll have the house elves bring us up dinner later. Do you want to go to the sitting room now? We can listen to some music together. We don't have to talk. We can just be."
"Yeah, that sounds good," Harry said.
So, Remus and Harry went to the sitting room. Remus set up their magically charmed record player and went to the couch. Harry laid on Remus and they stayed there for over an hour, just vibing together.
The rest of that night replenished Harry enough to go back to classes tomorrow. It wasn't easy, but Harry knew he could do it with help from his support system.
Deep breath in.
Deep breath out.
He can do it.
(and so can you).
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music
15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)
16. Puzzles (jigsaw, Sudoku)
17. Have something spicy or sour (like the redhot candy, or warheads)
Suicide Hotlines:
USA: 988 (press 1 for veterans)
Canada: 1 (833) 456 4566
France: 0145394000
Italy: 800860022
UK: 0800 689 5652 OR 116 123
Brazil: 188
India: 9999 666 555
Mexico: 5255102550
Romania: 0800 801 200