Author's Note: TW: references to self-harm, active and passive suicidal ideation, thoughts of self-harm, depression, mentions of medication

Hi everyone! It's been a minute! Getting right to the point, I was gone because I wanted to kill myself and I made some unsafe choices hoping they would end my life. I ended up being hospitalized for a week and I'm back out. I have been taking time to recover and it just so happened that this chapter lined up with my recovery. So much of this chapter is based on my time in the psych ward and that was hard for me to write. I'm still recovering and working on myself so I appreciate your patience. I'm on a new med and doing better than before. One of my reasons to live was finishing this story, so thank you for reading this. I apologize if this chapter isn't well written, but I did the best I could. Thanks for being here. You are loved.

Previous Chapter Summary: Harry is on the ledge of the astronomy tower after finding out about the rest of the prophecy. Remus and Sirius find him and talk him down. They bring him back to the Marauder Quarters before taking him to rehab house

Chapter Summary: Sirius and Remus go for a walk once they arrive at rehab house as Remus sets everything up. Remus and Sirius help Harry heal with help from some medications and a friend.

Harry didn't talk on his walk with Sirius, and Sirius didn't push him to speak.

Harry went from not wanting to talk, to trying to find the right words, to his body just not being able to speak.

Luckily, Sirius caught him as he was trying to speak, but words weren't coming. "Words are hard, Harry. You don't need to talk right now. If words just aren't coming right now that's okay. I'm happy to be with you."

Harry felt a bit better after hearing Sirius say that, but he wanted to speak and tried again, becoming more frustrated.

Sirius stopped walking and put a hand on Harry's shoulder.

"Pup, I can tell you feel frustrated that it's hard to speak right now. I am sure that's a scary and isolating feeling, yeah?"

Harry nodded.

"Give yourself some time. You're not alone. You're safe with me."

Harry turned his head and let out a hot breath before looking at Sirius and nodding reluctantly.

"Just take your time and know that it's okay," Sirius said, giving Harry another loving look before starting to walk again.

Sirius and Harry walked in mostly silence. Sirius spoke some, but it was all light conversation. When they made their way back to the cottage, Remus smiled and greeted them. "Welcome back, boys."

Remus' smile faded slightly as he saw Sirius waving his arms and making movements behind Harry's back.

Remus wrinkled his brow, not sure what Sirius was trying to say.

"Harry, why don't you rest on the couch for a moment, hm?" Sirius said.

Harry did as Sirius suggested and Sirius pulled Remus further into the kitchen. "He's nonverbal right now, Rem," Sirius whispered.

"Oh, I see," Remus murmured, giving Harry a concerned glance. "Poor Cub."

Remus walked over to Harry and said, "Harry, I know we were going to go over the rules and expectations when you returned, but I would like Sirius to look them over. Why don't you pick a book and read while Dadfoot and I take care of the expectations?"

Harry nodded and got up and grabbed a book off the shelf. He was sure that Sirius had told Remus that he was struggling to speak, but he was glad he had a moment.

Harry grabbed a mystery book that he had started to read the last time that he was here and went back to his spot in the book (he had a chocolate frog card as a bookmark).

While Remus did show Sirius what he had come up with for rules and expectations, most of their time was spent talking in hushed voices about Harry and the logistics of their time here.

Meanwhile, Harry found himself in the world of his book and at one point gasped and said, "No!"

It took Harry a moment to realize what he did. He lightly touched his neck and said, "It's back."

Remus looked over at Harry and smiled. "Feeling better?" Remus asked.

Harry nodded. "Yeah," Harry replied, his voice still shaky.

"You keep reading, we're still working, okay?"

"Okay," Harry agreed before going back to his book.

It didn't take Remus and Sirius longer than ten minutes to finish talking, but they gave Harry another twenty minutes after they finished to calm down more.

"Harry, are you ready for us?" Remus asked eventually.

Harry nodded and sat up, shutting his book.

Remus and Sirius sat down in the other chairs opposite Harry.

"Harry, we want to go over the expectations we have for our visit here, okay?" Remus said, taking it slow.

Harry nodded again.

"To begin, one of us is going to be with you almost all of the time. If you're alone, you're in the house and you don't have your wand, but we don't use magic here anyway. We are also going to have set therapy times and activity times. You'll be outside with Dadfoot each day, in session with me twice a day for a short amount of time, and you'll also see Auntie Dorcas every other day. Grandma Min will be here, too. Here's the schedule we have right now."

Remus handed Harry a schedule on parchment which included both activities and downtime, as well as breakfast and bedtime.

It felt both constricting and a huge relief at the same time. Harry just numbly nodded.

Remus went over some more rules and expectations, but it really went in one ear and out the other. Harry truly wanted to die the other night and it was so strange to be alive, living past what he expected.

"Harry, this is important," Remus said at one point, causing Harry to snap back to the present.

Harry looked up in response.

"If you ever feel like you want to harm yourself or are feeling suicidal, please let us know right away. We're here to help you," Remus reassured Harry warmly.

Harry nodded. "Okay. I will."

"Good," Remus said. "Now, I want to chat with you for a bit while Sirius goes and gets us some food, okay?"

Harry nodded. He hugged Sirius goodbye and followed Remus into the therapy room. Remus shut the door behind them and sat down across from Harry.

"I know you've been through a lot in the past day. How are you feeling right now?" Remus asked.

"Exhausted. Numb. Scared. Annoyed. Relieved. All at once," Harry admitted.

"Can you walk me through what happened yesterday?" Remus asked.

Remus and Sirius had warned him that he would have to tell his story over and over again, but he was still shaky on saying it out loud.

"Go as slow as you want to. Take your time," Remus reassured him.

Harry began to go through what had happened. He started at dinner and how Albus had gotten him. He then talked about waiting in the office and seeing the old photograph. He was able to make it through seeing the prophecy.

At one point his hand instinctively went to his wrist, but Remus gently moved his scratching hand and replaced it with a fidget.

Harry continued talking about leaving and running into Albus and confronting him, and then going to the tower until Remus found him.

"I feel like that was inevitable. I wasn't getting better. I don't know how to explain it. I knew I'd end up there I just didn't know when."

"You've been feeling more actively suicidal for a while, then?"
Harry paused but nodded. "Yeah. I think so. It has been slow-moving. It's been hard to talk about. I wasn't trying to hide anything from you, I promise."

"I know that, Cub. You're doing so well. I have some questions I have to ask you and some papers I want you to fill out for me, okay?"

Harry nodded.

Remus handed him some forms and a small pen. "I want you to answer these questions honestly. I'll give you some time to read through them. I'm right here if you have any questions."

Remus leaned back in his seat and went through some papers while Harry answered questions. They were muggle questions and Harry scanned them before he answered them.

1. Little interest or pleasure in doing things

2. Feeling down, depressed, or hopeless

3. Trouble falling or staying asleep, or sleeping too much

4. Feeling tired or having little energy

5. Poor appetite or overeating

6. Feeling bad about yourself - or that you are a failure or have let yourself or your family down

7. Trouble concentrating on things, such as reading the newspaper or watching television

8. Moving or speaking so slowly that other people could have noticed

Or the opposite - being so fidgety or restless that you have been moving around a lot more than usual

9. Thoughts that you would be better off dead, or of hurting yourself

10. If you checked off any problems, how difficult have these problems made it for you at work, home, or with other people?

The options were: Not at all, several days, more than half the days, or nearly every day for the first nine questions. Needless to say, he circled nearly every day for most of them. When he was done, he handed the paper to Remus and moved on to the next page which was a paper for Harry to list reasons to live.

Harry wrote down three things.

To defeat Voldemort

Dadfoot and Moony Da

I don't want anyone to have to find my body

Harry moved through the rest of the paperwork and gave it to Remus.

"Now what?" Harry asked.

Remus looked up from one of the many concerning sheets that Harry had handed him.

"We will have another check-in after dinner. Right now, I need to ask you a couple of questions before you can rest.

Harry nodded.

"Do you want to hurt yourself?"

Harry nodded.

Remus marked something down on the paper before asking, "Do you want to kill yourself?"

"I don't know," Harry replied honestly.

"Thank you. I know those questions are never easy."

Harry nodded and looked away.

"You are welcome to go and read or rest in your bed. What would you like to do?"

"I can be by myself in my bed?"

"Now that we've met, yes. There's nothing you can use to harm yourself and your window won't open. Please, please come get me if you need me."

"I will," Harry promised. He wasn't about to try again right now. He was too tired.

"I just want to rest," Harry replied honestly.

"I'll take you to your room," Remus said, standing up.

Harry stood up and followed Remus to his room.

"I'm just a holler away." Remus tucked him in and kissed his forehead.

Remus didn't go downstairs, he went to his bedroom and sat there with the door open. He checked on Harry every 15 minutes until he saw that he was asleep and then he went back downstairs but still checked on him every 15 minutes.

Sirius came back with the food and took a rest himself, but Remus was pretty sure he just wanted to be near Harry.

When Harry woke up, he stayed in his bed for a while before meandering out into the hallway and down the stairs. He found the book he had read earlier, sat on the couch, and attempted to read it, but he was having a lot of trouble focusing.

Remus, who was making dinner, could clearly see this. He stopped chopping the peppers he was cutting and wiped his hands on his apron. He walked toward Harry and said, "Hey, Cub. What's going on?"

"I'm just not able to focus right now! I can't read this book and there's nothing I can do!" Harry groaned, tossing the book to the side.

Remus nodded. "I know how frustrating that feels. Would you like some time to sit with those feelings, do you want to talk about it, or do you want to try something else?"

Harry thought about those options but didn't answer the question.

"What are you doing?" Harry asked instead.

"I'm making dinner," Remus told Harry patiently.

"Can I watch? And maybe talk some, too?"

"Of course," Remus replied warmly. Remus walked back into the kitchen with Harry following him.

Harry took a seat on a stool and watched as Remus went back to cutting the peppers.

"What are we doing tonight?" Harry asked.

"We're going to have dinner, have a little downtime. Then, you and I are going to chat and then I'll have some potions for you to take before we have a movie night."

"Potions?" Harry asked, confused.

Remus stopped prepping the food and looked at Harry kindly. "Yes, potions. I have an antidepressant potion I want you to try."

"Is it safe?"

"Yes, it is," Remus explained, walking over to Harry. "I have prescribed it to many, many students before."

"Oh, yeah. Sometimes I forget you're a real healer."

Remus chuckled. "That's okay. It's safe and I think it could help you. If it doesn't, that's okay. There are more to try. Potions don't always work out on the first try."

"But they're potions," Harry said.

Remus nodded. "While they work faster than muggle pills, potions still need to work with the chemistry in one's brain. Not every potion works with every brain. We might need to try a few. That's pretty typical."

"And it won't, like, change me or anything?" Harry asked.

"It should make you feel better, but no, it won't change your personality. It should hopefully give you the will to live and take the edge off."

Harry nodded but still wrung his hands nervously.

"Why don't we give you the potion now, yeah? That way you won't have to worry about it?" Remus offered.

"O-Okay, Harry agreed. "How long should it take to work?"

"A couple of days and you should start seeing an improvement. Remember, if it doesn't work, that's okay. We have others to try."

Harry nodded, half-listening.

"I'll go get the potion," Remus said. He went to the hallway and opened up a closet and then a safe before pulling out a yellow potion.

"What questions do you have before taking this?" Remus asked, stopping in front of Harry.

"None. I just want to feel better and this might help," Harry said.

Remus bit his lip, wanting to say something but he couldn't fault Harry's logic. "Alright, Cub. Here you go," Remus said, handing the vial to Harry.

Harry downed the vial. While he knew it wasn't instantaneous, he still felt a slimmer of disappointment when he didn't feel happy right away.

"It's not a Pepper Up Potion," Remus reminded Harry as he went to put the vial away.

Harry shrugged. "Yeah, I know. I just want to feel better."

"I know, Love." Remus sat down next to Harry on a stool. "It's hard to feel the way you're feeling, isn't it?"

"I don't want to live with this feeling," Harry whispered. "I hate this."

Remus reached out and pulled Harry into a much-needed hug. "I know, love. It's suffocating."

Harry nodded. "I don't know what to do."

"You're doing it. You're breathing and working hard to be here."

Remus held Harry for several more minutes before pulling away and saying, "Would it help if I gave you explicit instructions on what to do and where to go right now? That way you don't have to stress about it?"
Harry nodded. He didn't like not knowing what to do. It was just easier if Remus told him what to do right now.

"Okay. I can do that. Right now I want you to go grab your notebook and journal down here, okay?"
Harry nodded and quickly complied. He was too mentally drained to keep making decisions for himself. He just needed someone to do it for him.

After journaling, Harry helped make a salad for dinner before going on another silent walk with Sirius and then eating dinner.

For the movie, Remus picked a happy movie they had seen before. Harry was given a sleeping potion by Remus and tucked in when the movie was over.

Harry followed directions perfectly the next day and the day after. He did everything Remus asked of him. He took his potions, participated in therapy, journaled, and ate his meals, and slept when he was supposed to.

However, Remus, Sirius, and even Harry himself knew that it wouldn't last.

On the third day that they were there, Remus woke Harry up.

"Harry, it's time for breakfast."
Harry groaned and rolled up, trying to pull the blankets up.

"Do you want to shower first?" Remus asked.

Harry shook his head. He didn't want to move. He had done everything Remus asked of him and nothing was working. He still wanted to die.

"It's time to get up. We have breakfast starting and have a pull day planned. We might even have a visitor," Remus said.

"I don't care. I just want to stay here," Harry moaned.

"Harry, I know it's hard to get out of bed. I know you're struggling. You can rest later, I promise. It's important to keep a schedule right now," Remus explained.

Harry muttered a few curse words before throwing off his covers and rolling out of bed.

"Thank you," Remus said.

Harry huffed and followed Remus down the stairs, feeling extra irritable.

Remus went to get Harry some bacon and his potion. He turned back around and walked to Harry before handing Harry his antidepressant potion.

"Here's your potion, Cub. Drink up."

Harry eyed the bright yellow potion. The happy color seemed to be mocking him. Harry felt his anger bubble up and he threw the vial on the ground, shattering it. He stared at it for a split second before lunging to grab a piece of the now-broken vial.

Sirius and Remus were already heading toward Harry. Sirius wrapped his arms around Harry and pulled him back.

"Let me go! Let me GO!" Harry cried, fighting against Sirius' restraints.

"Harry, no. We're not letting you hurt yourself," Sirius said calmly.

Harry kept fighting the restraints with everything that he had. Remus had started to clean it up but had to do it the muggle way, which was taking longer.

"Moony," Sirius said, looking at the werewolf. "I need you."

Remus stopped what he was doing and went over to Sirius and Harry.

Remus didn't often use his werewolf strength, but he did have it.

Remus was able to pick Harry up and move him to the therapy room. Sirius shut the door behind them and Remus carried Harry to the couch where he sat down and continued to restrain him.

Harry continued to fight against Remus for at least another minute or two. Harry only stopped fighting after Sirius announced it was cleaned up.

Harry let out a frustrated yell and tried to break out of Remus' arms once more.

"I will let you go if you stay in this room," Remus said calmly.

Harry stopped fighting and muttered an agreement. Remus gently released Harry who stomped across the room. He picked up a fidget and threw it against the wall, screaming.

Remus sat there, waiting for Harry to speak. Luckily, he didn't have to wait long.

"It's not fair!" Harry yelled.

"What isn't?" Remus prompted.

"That stupid bloody potion was supposed to make me feel better and it wasn't! And the only thing that can is what you guys took away!"

"Why do you think cutting yourself would help?"

"I feel better when I do it!" Harry said.

"It makes you feel better long term?"

"Well, no, but at least it gives me some relief! I need it, Moony Da! I need something!" Harry begged.

Remus leaned back and thought. "We can try some ice."

"I don't want bloody ice!" Harry cried. "I want something to make me feel better!"

Remus thought again before saying, I want to try a different potion on you. Can you stay here for one moment?"

Harry nodded curtly.

Remus was back shortly and with a vial of another potion. This time, the potion was a thick purple color and it smelled like chocolate.

"Try this one," Remus said.l

Harry quickly downed it. He had nothing to lose.

"It will still take a day or two for it to work, but it's another antidepressant potion and I think it will help."

"I'm going to lose it again if it doesn't," Harry warned Remus.

"Do you remember what we talked about?" Remus asked Harry.

"About what?"

"About the potions. I told you it normally takes a few trials to find the potion that works best for you."

Harry sighed. "I was hoping that didn't apply to me."

"In this case, you're very typical. There are so many people who had to try more than one potion, including myself."

"Really? How many did you have to try?" Harry asked.

"Three. And for a while, I had to take two. It's all okay. What matters is that we find something that works for you."

Harry sat down next to Remus, the adrenaline of the situation now gone. "I am just so tired of this, Moony Da. I want to feel better."

"You will. I promise you. We're in this together. You are not alone, not now, not ever."

"Can you stay with me right now?" Harry whispered, curling up to Remus.

"Of course," Remus replied softly. "I've got you. You're safe."

Harry didn't feel safe. He didn't feel okay. However, he knew that Remus would keep him safe.

Harry felt Remus lean over and kiss his head.

"We'll take it one step at a time. The monsters inside your head may seem big, but they're nothing compared to the love Dadfoot and I have for you. We're in this together."

Harry and Remus stayed there for an hour before Remus was able to coax Harry into having breakfast.

Harry didn't do much that day, but he stayed close to Remus. Harry sometimes talked, but mostly stayed silent.

At one point in the day, Dorcas showed up. Harry was reading a book, or, at least trying to, when Sirius came through the front door with Dorcas.

"Dorcas, thank you for coming," Remus said, getting up to hug her.

"Of course. I'm happy to be here," Dorcas replied.

Dorcas walked over to Harry. "Hey, Harry."

"Hey," Harry replied.

Dorcas sat next to him on the couch. "I was hoping we could do some art together. Do you think you're up for it?"

Harry paused, then nodded.

"Lovely. I'll set it up and let you know when I'm ready, okay?"
Harry nodded again.

Dorcas gave him a warm smile and left the room to gather some materials she had.

Harry left the room and went to the bathroom and then sat on the porch while Dorcas was getting set up.

"Ready, Harry," Dorcas told him, poking her head outside.

"Okay," Harry replied quietly. Harry walked back inside and saw that Dorcas had set up two easels with paint in front of them.

"What are we painting?" Harry asked.

"Whatever you want," Dorcas said. "However you want to express yourself."

That felt too big for Harry and Remus could see his son beginning to spiral.

"How about you paint how you're feeling right now?" Remus suggested.

"Okay," Harry agreed, his voice still the soft monotone he's used almost all day.

Harry didn't say anything else but started to paint a red dot. Dorcas smiled and started on her own painting.

"Harry, if you need us, Dadfoot and I will be just outside," Remus said.

Harry nodded, looking up from his painting, before getting back to work.

Dorcas chatted some with Harry and asked how he was feeling, but mostly allowed the silence.

When Harry was done, Dorcas walked over to his canvas. "This is great, Harry! I'm so impressed. Can you tell me about it?" Dorcas asked, admiring the art.

"Sure. I'm the red dot. I'm surrounded by black. There's a light coming from above that I've been told is there, but it doesn't reach me."

Dorcas' heart broke further.
"Oh, Love," Dorcas whispered, holding back her tears.

"It's not good, Auntie Dor. I don't really want to talk about it, but it's not good."

"What can I do for you?" Dorcas asked kindly.

"Can you talk to my dads about the painting? They can know about it and everything, but I don't feel like being the one to tell them about it."

"Of course I can. Anything else?"

Harry shook his head. "I think I'm going to go and rest."

"Harry, I'm not sure-" Dorcas began.

Harry cut her off. "It's all good, Aunt Dorcas. I don't have anything to hurt myself with. I just want to lie down. You can tell my dads if you want."

Dorcas was hesitant but agreed.

She walked Harry to the staircase before grabbing Remus and Sirius from the porch. "Harry's resting, but he gave me permission to talk to you both about his painting if you'd like to see it."

"Of course," Sirius said, standing up and helping his husband up.

"Oh, Cub," Remus sighed immediately when he saw it.

Dorcas nodded sadly. "Harry told me that it was like he was the red dot and the light couldn't reach him."

"Puppy," Sirius whispered.

"How did he seem when he was done?" Remus asked.

"Tired, drained, but not at risk of harming himself."

Remus nodded. "Good. I'll check on him soon. I'll give him some space first. He probably is drained."

"Remus? Dorcas? Is Harry going to be okay? This is… dark."

"He will. This, while it seems dark, is a great sign. Harry is expressing himself and his emotions and that's incredibly important. He's doing so well," Remus said.

"Okay, I trust you, of course. I'm just worried."

"We all are; you're not alone," Remus told Sirius, kissing him.

Harry lay in bed and knew the adults were talking about him, but couldn't find the energy to care. He was thankful when Remus joined him about half an hour later.

"Hey, Cub. Do you want to talk about the painting?"

Harry shook his head.

"Okay, we won't. Do you want to sit together quietly?"

Harry nodded and Remus climbed into bed next to him. "I'm here for you, Harry."
Harry curled up next to Remus and allowed his dad to rake his fingers through his hair and whisper loving words and affirmations.

Harry had such low energy and was gaining the little he had from Remus' presence. He didn't know how he was going to make it through.

The next day, however, was another story. Harry woke up and felt something he hadn't felt in what felt like ages.

Hope.

"Moony Da! Moony Da!" Harry cried, running down the stairs.

"What is it? Are you alright?" Remus asked, hurrying to meet Harry near the stairs.

Remus saw Harry smiling and Harry said, "I feel better!"

"Oh, Love! I'm so happy for you!" Remus said, picking Harry up in a hug and spinning him around.

"It's not great but I don't want to kill myself constantly, so I guess that's good."

"It's a strong start," Remus said. "Now, why don't we have some breakfast and we can talk about the day?"

Harry quickly agreed. This was a new start. This was good.

Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music
15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)
16. Puzzles (jigsaw, Sudoku)
17. Have something spicy or sour (like the redhot candy, or warheads)

Suicide Hotlines:
USA: 988 (press 1 for veterans)
Canada: 1 (833) 456 4566
France: 0145394000
Italy: 800860022
UK: 0800 689 5652 OR 116 123
Brazil: 188
India: 9999 666 555
Mexico: 5255102550
Romania: 0800 801 200