Chapter 4

Dodging Waves and Decisions

Bella POV

The two pink lines grew darker. Screaming at me.

Pregnant. I was pregnant with Derek's baby. "No no no no no," I shook my head. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't be.

I stared at my wide-eyed face in the mirror. The lines and signs of aging were clear. I wasn't 18 anymore. I looked down and placed my hands over my stomach, trying to imagine it.

I couldn't see it. A big belly, a baby in my arms, a smiling family of three. No, I couldn't fathom it. Someone else maybe, but not me. Derek and I together? No, I couldn't see it.

What was I supposed to do? Should I go to the hospital? Should I tell someone? Who?

Tears gathered in my eyes. All I wanted to do was cry.

"Hey lady! You've been in there forever!" The pounding on the bathroom door jolted me back to reality. I wiped my tears away. I wasn't sure how long I had been in there, but I couldn't stay forever.

I slowly opened the door with my head down, hoping to leave quickly. The clerk who had rung me up stood there dominantly. A smug look on her face, surely guessing the result of my test. I slinked out of the store and drove absentmindedly back to work.

The elevator doors opened and I was back in my office. I spotted Derek across the room and immediately felt nauseous. I turned for the bathroom. Jenny found me there a few minutes later.

"Where did you eat lunch? I'll have to avoid it," She joked, trying to lighten the mood as I came out of the stall.

I rinsed my mouth in the facet. "I think food poisoning takes longer than 20 minutes to make itself known. Must've been from last night."

"True," She chuckled, "That or you're pregnant."

I should have laughed along with her instead of letting the fear and shock overcome my face.

"Oh shit, are you?" She had picked up on it.

"No," I retorted quickly. I couldn't let anyone know. "And don't go starting any rumors." I warned, "It's just food poisoning."

"Don't worry," She reassured, "If I say anything it'll be that you're faking it to get out of hearing Terry's presentation at the meeting tomorrow."

At that I laughed, "Yeah, I should go home." I was not ready to see Derek yet. Or ever. I needed to get my story straight, my head straight, my whole life straight.

I gathered my things quickly, told the right people and got out of there. It wasn't until I was in my car that I realized I couldn't go home.

Edward would be suspicious if I got home early. He'd worry if he knew I threw up. He'd find out. I was not ready to see him either.

Where should I go then? I thought as my stomach rumbled. So, to McDonalds I went.

—-

I finished my meal robotically and sat in the car sipping my soda. Staring out at the people. Feeling lost, outside myself. What was I going to do? What could I do?

Simply, I had two options. Keep it or don't.

Abortion seemed like the easiest way. I was at most three weeks along. I could end this, forget about it and get on with my life. It wasn't a baby yet. Just cells. Just potential. Still, it felt wrong.

I could do nothing. Let it grow, and when I start to show then what? Raise it with Derek? Ugh, the idea repulsed me. Derek was a good lover, but a father? A good partner? Someone I could stand living with? No. Absolutely not.

The arousing disrespect he showed me in bed wouldn't fly in daily life. He was too much of a fuck boy. Plus, I've seen his apartment, house cleaning wasn't his forte. I'd turn into his maid if we lived together.

No, that's not fair to him. People change all the time. Who knows what kind of father he'd be. Was it my right to take that from him? It's not like he wanted a baby. If he did then he would be out looking for a serious relationship, not juggling me and who knows who else. What he didn't know wouldn't hurt him.

So I wouldn't tell him then. It didn't have to be his baby. Miracles happen all the time to couples who believe they're infertile. No one could know the true impossibility of Edward fathering a child.

So, then I'd raise it with Edward? He'd do it if that was what I wanted. He had forgiven me for things just as bad. My little affair with Cody had just been the start of our struggles. I had been so naïve and innocent when we had married.

I was too young to consider an open relationship. Still lost in the fairytail marriage ideas of girlhood. I'd heard the concept spoken about on campus. As well as many other interesting topics. Sex positions, foreplay and kinks that one could hardly be tried on one's own.

When those ideas crossed my mind, I would look at Edward and try to imagine him doing such things. I couldn't.

Years later, his unwillingness would make me angry and spiteful, but at this time I could only see it as a defect in myself.

Because I could see myself doing those things. Along with some faceless stranger. The thoughts engrossed me and captured my mind.

Catching myself in a fantasy, I'd become afraid. Afraid that it wasn't normal, afraid that I might be a sexual deviant. Afraid that I might act on it.

So, like a good Christian school girl afraid of going to hell, I avoided temptation and tried to suppress my feeling, but it bleed through in other ways.

Ways I wasn't fully aware of until a short, pixie-haired sister-in-law forced me to see.

An early spring cruise in the middle of the ocean was the perfect place for a Cullen family vacation. Far enough away for the 7 vampires to enjoy the sun without worry.

I could've used the scuba diving gear to join them under the surface, but instead I decided to stay on deck, eating my human food. That's when Alice cornered me.

"What are you going to do with your extra time off?" She asked not long after we had watched the others jump into the water. "Edward mentioned you might do some traveling."

Was that what we were doing?

"Yeah we're going to trace my roots back to Italy," I answered sarcastically. Edward had mentioned Europe, but it hadn't been a discussion. Just the start of another dead end fight about my immortality.

"Fun. Are you going to see the coliseum?" She continued in her cheery way.

I signed, "I don't know Alice. Do you see me at the coliseum?"

"Honestly Bella," She signed, "These days I mostly just see you being sad. What's going on with you?"

"I don't know," I answered. Nothing really interested me these days. I hadn't really been planning anything recently. I had told Edward that I wanted to take the semester off, but didn't suggest any alternatives. I guess he had kept planning like he always does.

"I guess I'm just tired of being human. I thought I'd be like you by now. Do you still see that in my future?"

"Yeah," her eyes gazed off into space for a moment, "It's still a strong possibility."

Just a possibility. "I want it to be a reality."

"I thought you and Edward had worked this out a while ago?"

"I thought we had too, but he's managed to avoid it."

"He just wants you to enjoy a few more human years. College life is a really exciting time."

"Not the right kind of exciting." I groaned.

"What do you mean?"

I blushed. If I couldn't talk to Alice about this then who could I talk to?

"Alice, did you see what happened last year?" I peek at her shyly from under my eyelashes.

"You'll have to be more specific."

"I slept with someone else." I whispered slowly. Peeking up again to see her surprised face.

"Oh, I guess I missed that," she stated, "I try to avoid seeing intimate visions."

"Well, I did. I didn't mean to. I don't love that guy. It just kind of happened one night."

"Does Edward know?" she questioned.

"Yes, he knows. He said it's not a big deal, but I just feel so bad."

"Mistakes happen. If he can move on from it then you can too."

"But that's the thing. I don't feel so bad anymore about what happened. I feel bad because I … I want to do it again. It just felt so good. So fulfilling."

"Hmmm," she paused, "Have you told him about this? Maybe he'll do it with you."

"He won't." I stated flatly. "I mean we do things, but not fully. We can't be together fully, you know?" I pleaded for her understanding. "It hurts. It physically hurts. The need for that union, but I can't get him to budge. It makes me so upset that I don't even want to try anymore. Every time I do, I feel rejected and unwanted.

"You know he loves you. I'm sure it's for your safety."

"Ugh, I'm tired of hearing that," I huffed. "If he wants me to be safe then he should change me already," I pulled at my hair, "I'm losing my mind with this."

Alice contemplated my exasperated state.

"I want to tell you that it's perfectly normal what you're feeling. You're a young human. It's natural to be feeling all this lust. But honestly," She paused, "At the same time, blood lust isn't far off from romantic lust. If you can't handle it now, are you really sure that you want to be a vampire?"

I hadn't thought about it like that before. They've always told me how difficult it was to deny their instinct, how powerful the pull was. Yet, I never thought to compare it to the pull I'd been feeling.

My lust didn't possess me to kill people. Didn't consume my every moment. Yet, I still let it control me. Let it throw me into a fit of pathetic self-pity.

Alice was right. I was so weak. How could I handle being one of them and not killing people, if I couldn't even handle this.

I needed to try harder. Compromise like they did by eating animals. I just had to accept that I couldn't have exactly what I wanted, couldn't ever be fully satisfied, but I could have something. I could get by with good enough, and be happy.

"You're right Alice," I said resolutely, "I need to be stronger. Just because I feel this way, doesn't mean I should let it control me."

She smiled. I would just focus on being happy. Learn to enjoy what I had at the moment.

From then on, that's what I did. Edward and I went to Europe. Saw the sight and the underground perks. I enrolled in the literature classes I wanted and ditched the general credits that didn't interest me.

The lust was still there, still strong, but instead of letting disappointment consume me, I would just take a deep sigh, smile and keep going. That is until I turned 21.

Being of age and on a college campus, I gave alcohol a try. Under the safe eye of my husband, I never had too much to make me sick or vulnerable, but he couldn't stop my filter from being impaired.

I told him everything I was thinking without hesitation. That included my fantasies. About him and other men.

Walking away from a party with his hand around my waist, I'd giggle about the three-some Melanine had told me about. Verbally expressing my curiosity about giving oral and receiving vaginal sex at the same time.

Homebound in the car, after he'd politely returned my roaming hands to myself, I'd trail them along my own thighs, describing how I'd like him to take me on the hood of the car.

After satisfying me in his own ways and tucking me into bed, I would quiz him on his own innocence. Surely, if he wouldn't let me, then he took care of himself somehow? I wanted to know all about it.

I would sometimes wake the next morning in disbelief, remembering what I had said or done. Yet, always pleased as Edward found it amusing and didn't reject my verbal seduction.

In fact, my honesty stretched our boundaries to new lengths.

"I got something for you," He said in the bedroom as I tucked freshly folded clothes into the dresser drawer. I turned with suspicion. My birthday was more than 6 months away.

For such occasions, he knew what to get that wouldn't make me upset. A 1st edition of a beloved novel, a handmade photo album, or crafted memento.

These random surprise gifts were the ones I had to be wary of. When he might drop God knows how much on a piece of jewelry or fancy gadget.

With caution in my stare I waited.

"Don't worry," He chided, "this is for the both of us."

He brought his hand forward, relieving the rectangular box he had been hiding behind his back. He placed it in my hand and my eyes widened in disbelief.

My face flushed red. "A vibrator," I hushed as if there were people around to overhear. Did he want me to use it on myself? Did he not want to touch me anymore? Did he want to watch?

I turned the box. It had four different speed settings, a warming feature, and clitoral extension.

"Given some of the things you've mentioned recently," He smirked, "I thought this might be worth trying."He advanced towards me without breaking eye contact, "I want to use this on you." My heart raced and cheeks flushed.

The sensations that little machine could make me feel, when placed in the right spot, were beyond comprehension. It almost paled the true act itself, and for a time I was satisfied.

It kept our marriage strong, but it was time ticking away just as he wanted, and my cravings eventually caught up. I wasn't controlling my desires. I was just denying one and indulging others.

It was a compromise, and after a long time, compromise began to look like losing. Cody became a small scratch to what would later be larger scars. Yet, we had survived it.

We definitely weren't the same as we were before, but we still had each other. Was I really going to put our relationship through another affair, and this time with a baby?

I tried to picture a baby in his arms. We'd had a few occasions where we had been around a baby. They always cried like they could sense the danger that Edward posed. I'm sure if Edward was in it's life from its birth, then it would get used to him. And the other Cullens too.

I'm sure Esme and Rosalie would be delighted. Probably, never leave its side, buy it toys and spend their hours playing with it. Spoil it as it grew up, then what? It would keep the family secret? Always on the outside. The black sheep like me, waiting for the day it became a vampire. A day that might never come.

Would it be a comfort to Edward after I was gone? I imagined my own funeral. My dead body laying in an open casket while a grieving Edward gripped the hand of a young girl who looked like me. Would my own child be enough incentive to keep him from killing himself after I left this world?

Ugh, was that it then? Was I accepting that I would die human, that I was never going to become a vampire? Was having this baby the final nail in my coffin?

A woman across the parking lot walked with two young children. I watched as the older one, a girl, skipped alongside her mother. Her younger brother crying while being dragged forward by the mother. The mother looked tired and frustrated, saying something to the boy that seemed to lack patiences.

I tried to imagine myself as her. The joy with a happy child, the frustration with an unhappy one, and the exhaustion with either one.

Two years ago I had had the experience of being mistaken as a mother. Edward and I had been at a record store downtown one weekend. I don't know if it was because of the clothes I wore, the lighting in the store, or because the young clerk hardly looked at me with Edward nearby, but it wasn't lost on my ears when she commented on Edward's music purchases.

"It sure is nice of you to get these for your mom. We don't get a lot of interest in these older bands. Are they birthday presents?"

He was quick to correct her on her misassumptions, but the truth was glaring. Our age gap was noticeable. Only a 10 year age gap but it would only grow. I didn't want people thinking I was his mother or a cradle robber. I had left that record store feeling sick, and from there on I had started using make-up more and more.

I felt like I might puke again, remembering that feeling and watching the mother across the lot struggle with the boy.

No, the fire flared in me. I didn't want that. I still wanted to be part of that world. To be with Edward as equals. I never stopped wanting that. I just let things run away from me. I wouldn't let that happen again. I'm older and wiser now.

I was confident that our relationship could survive this. But how it would look on the other side was unknown, and the consequences extended much farther than the two of us this time.

This decision would seal our fate, and I had to make it.

Hello, I haven't posted in a while. I'm still looking for a beta to help me fill in some gaps. I have the ending of this story written, but just need a little help.

If you're enjoying this story, please leave a review to encourage me.