Chapter 5

Broken Birthdays

Bella POV

I sat in the reception area. Informational posters covered the white walls, with single blue chairs lined against it. A few people sat there, spaced apart, a coffee table of magazines in the middle. I didn't look at them.

I had managed to make the appointment before I left the McDonalds parking lot. Thankfully I was in a state that prioritized women's health and could find help without much hassle. I prayed for the women who did not have such options.

Going back home to Edward, acting like nothing had changed was the harder part. I told myself nothing was certain. That a convenience store test could have easily produced a false positive, and the stress connected to that surely could cause someone to panic and puke. No reason to do or say anything until a doctor confirmed it.

I considered briefly going to Carilse, but my shame and pride quickly put that idea down. I arrived home at my normal workday time. Shared my highlights over a dinner of kale salad and spinach frittata. I had had a normal morning after all. I looked across the table into his dark eyes and subtlety suggested he go hunting soon. A little TV, a shower and then an early bedtime retreat.

It amazed me how keeping up a mundane routine managed to cover up most things. Stay inside the box and no one will see you. Edward didn't seem suspicious and I myself almost forgot there was even an issue.

It stayed like that all the way to the clinic. I went through the motions like a robot, unthinking. Keeping my hands busy as often as I could. Now I just sat waiting.

I didn't know what was going to come next. They don't show those parts in the movies. Only happy couples and ultrasounds. I could've done the research but I never thought this would happen to me. And now it was happening so fast. I just wanted it to be over.

I fiddled with my hands. Staring at them as I linked and unlinked my fingers together, twisting my wrist and rubbing my knuckles.

I stared at the scars. The crescent shaped one on my hand where James had bit me, and then the larger matching ones on my wrist. We had told people that it had been an unexpected accident, crushed under some heavy furniture, but in Edward's eyes it had been anything but unexpected.

It had been my 23rd birthday. I had accepted the birthday gifts, dined at the most expensive restaurant in town, eaten my cake and had not made a single complaint. I was being good, even he had noticed.

"You seem to be enjoying your birthday for once."

"I suppose there's no use fighting it," I shrugged, "It's not good for anyone to be stubborn." That was an understatement.

The evening rolled on and we snuggled up on the couch to watch my choice of movie. Edward's fingertips traced circles up and down my arm.

"Edward," I started, turning in his lap to face him. "It's my birthday," I stated in my most innocent voice. My soft eyes looking up at him.

"Happy birthday," he responded comically.

"You know what I want," I continued. Hope rising in the pit of my stomach as he grinned mischievously. His eyes raking down my body, his hand gliding along my side, over my hip and around my thigh.

"I want all of you," I pleaded, "No stopping."

"Bella," He removed his hand, saying my name with such sympathy.

"Please," I tried again in earnest. He did not look at me. Despite having this argument again and again the rejection always felt fresh.

I moved away from him, crossing my arms on the couch and glaring into the kitchen. Tears swelled in my eyes, I blinked them back.

In a resigning huff, I got up from the couch and started putting on my shoes.

"Where are you going?" He asked, his voice laced with pain.

"If you don't want me then I'll find someone who does." I reached for the keys on the counter but he snatched them away, forcing me to look up at his inclined brow and woeful eyes.

"You know I want you," He was pleading now.

"No," I spat, "I don't think you do." My tone was harsh and unforgiving, striking to kill. "I can feel the difference." He flinched. The lusty passion from the men of my wayward nights were undeniably different from his cautious, refined caresses.

"I'm just a chore to you."

"No," He retorted quickly.

"Maybe you don't understand. Maybe you can't understand." I look at him with pity. Frozen at age 17 and with only our one time during our honeymoon, he hardly had any experience.

"You're practically a virgin." His face scrunched up at my insult. That was below the belt.

I averted my eyes. I was hurting him again. I was the bad guy. Again

I spun around and opened the front door, seeking escape. However, I hardly opened it an inch when Edward's arm swung out, barring it closed.

I gasped, turning and meeting his intense glower. He hovered over me like a lion over its prey. His eyes were tight, his face hard, like he was angry.

"You're staying here," He ordered. No, it wasn't anger, it was- dominance.

His left hand wrapped around my waist; his long fingers pressing into my lower back. He pulled my hips into his, stealing my lips at the same time.

He kissed me with urgency, with the edge of something faintly familiar. I responded to his need with my own, looping my arms around his shoulders and pushing myself closer to him.

He lifted me up, carrying me to the bedroom with my legs wrapped around his waist. He laid me on the bed and pulled back to remove his shirt, then mine.

I wondered briefly where he would stop us, but there was something different about him this time.

His lips were back on mine and his icy fingers unbuttoned my jeans, sliding them off with ease. I ran my hand down his bare back, finding no clothes to stop me. My heart raced. He never let himself be fully naked.

Had I finally won this fight? I didn't stop to ask. I just wrapped myself around his marble body as he did the same to me.

He rolled us over and I sat up on his abdomen, finally looking into his eyes. Dark, fierce, dangerous. He didn't breathe. My breath picked up, in fear or arousal? I didn't know. I'd seen these eyes before, but when?

I lifted my hips, hovering over his cold, stiff muscle. The head parting my swollen lips like a ship pushing through waves. His dark eyes tightened and closed as my walls expanded, accepting as much of him as possible.

I sat there for a moment, waiting for his eyes to reopen and soaking in the sensation. Our union was unmatched by any toy or man.

"See?" I told him triumphantly, "We can do this."

His eyes shot open. The hunter staring out of them. He pulled me towards him, captured my lips and rolled us over again. The weight of him sinking deeper into me was even more pleasurable.

We moved. His body pushed mine. My hands ran over his back side and through his hair, until he guided my arms up above my head. Holding my wrists in a bind.

The dominant eyes I had met at the front door, watched me as I panted, building towards my climax. He didn't breathe, but low growls came from his throat.

I curled inward, sucking on his neck and shoulder as he moved faster.

As the refreshing wave of ecstasy started to rush through my body, two things happened.

A loud cracking sound emanated from above my head and the pleasurable wail I'd been releasing turned to one of great pain.

My left wrist was engulfed in fire. Needles piercing the muscles from the inside. The bones shattered.

Edward was out of and off me within a split second, gazing down wide eyed at my mangled wrist.

"Hospital." His clothes materialized on him and he helped me into an easy dress. Then he picked me up and we went quickly.

He said nothing to me in the hospital. I explained to the doctors that a bookshelf fell on me when I tried to move it by myself. They were amazed that it had caused such extensive damage as I needed minor surgery before letting the bones set. I had to stay there for two nights.

Edward was always nearby, deadpan and silent. I didn't know what to say to him. This was his worst fear come true and I forced him into it. Of course, he wouldn't see it that way. He'd blame himself, deepening his responsibility to reject my advances. Pushing himself farther away from me.

That's what this was. I tried to get closer and it only pushed us farther apart. I flaunted my infidelity as if I thought jealousy would get me what I wanted. I took any chance Edward wasn't around to have a drink at a party and leave with some guy. Apologizing again and again to Edward for my mistakes.

"I'm so so sorry, I shouldn't have even talked to that guy. I don't know what I was thinking," I said after pulling away from an intimate kiss at a bar near campus.

"I can't believe how stupid I am," I cried. "You must hate me," I said after disappearing at a pool party in the summer.

"There must be something wrong with me," I huffed. "I'm such a terrible person," I confessed to him in our bedroom after he returned from a hunting trip.

I was always lying to myself. I wasn't going to stop and with each incident it became easier and easier, and I became more and more desperate. Somewhere inside me grew a feeling that with each conquest I had, the more jealous and willing he would be to give in.

I was desirable. Other men proved that I wasn't as fragile as Edward made me believe. I was sexy and sexual, and I liked that. How could he not see that?

Sure, I had apologized after each incident, but in truth I had just been rubbing his nose in it.

I looked at the surgery scars on my wrist. Self-inflicted in my eyes. As to be expected from poking a bear.

My problems with sex didn't have to become Edward's problems too. I could keep my business to myself. My happiness was my responsibility. If I couldn't have him, that didn't mean I had to starve, but that also didn't mean I had to force him to watch me feast. A silent understanding. It worked.

It's what I was doing right now. Sitting in a woman's clinic, without having mentioned anything to him, taking care of my own problems.

I waited.

They called my name. They took measurements, blood samples and a urine test, then it was waiting again.

The doctor entered. She was an older woman. Lines of wisdom on her face, a few gray hairs mixed in with the brown in her ponytail. She was kind.

"Thank you for coming in today Mrs. Cullen. We have your test results, but I still need to take a look with an ultrasound."

She had a nurse help set me up in the chair. Spreading a cool gel on my abdomen. The doctor ran the wand over my stomach until she found what she was looking for. "Ah, yes, it looks like you're about 5 weeks along."

I remained surprisingly calm as she put away the machine and wiped the gel off my body. My heart did not race, my breathing did not change. Soon we were sitting face to face again.

"What should I do?" I asked robotically, looking absently into space.

"Well, at this point, it's good to start getting on the right diet. Have you been having any morning sickness or other symptoms?" She asked.

"No," I shook my head. She started to continue but I interrupted, "No, I don't want to keep it."

"I see," She smiled reassuringly. "Given how early you are in the pregnancy, the best course for termination is a medical abortion," She explained.

She made it all sound so simple. Just two pills. One shortly after the other. There will be blood and cramping for a few hours, and then I should take it easy for the next two days. It sounded easy but the reality wasn't.

I booked a hotel room and bought everything I would need to stay inside for at least 24 hours. Edward could think I was "out" for the night. I didn't think much about it. This is what I had to do. Yet, when the first pill was at my mouth, I hesitated. There was no going back. I took a deep breath then swallowed it.