Chapter 6

Confronting Choices

Bella POV

I stared straight ahead not seeing. My hand's gripping the steering wheel without purpose. My car was still parked in the back corner of the hotel's parking lot. Checked out and in a daze. I sat in the wake of it, pictures of what I'd just done replaying through my head.

There was blood and cramping like the doctor had said, but it was much more painful than I expected. I felt like I was dying from the inside.

After I had taken the first pill with ibuprofen, I laid in bed watching TV and eating snacks. I could feel the bleeding and cramping start. It was about the same as a normal period. I fell asleep.

Around 12:30 am I was awoken by extreme contractions. I waddled to the toilet where I began to be sick. I stayed there for the rest of the night, vomiting and sweating profusely. An hour later somehow I managed to digest the second pill. I tried to sleep but the sun was coming up by the time I managed.

Needless to say I paid for the late check-out. By morning the bleeding had subsided to that of a normal period, but my body ached like I had the flu.

I sat in my car now, unsure. Reality finally rushing back to me

Was it the right choice?

I unclenched my hands and stared down at them in disbelief. Weapons used to sign away the life of an unborn child. My throat closed. I breathed quickly. An innocent child with no choice.

I made this choice. Did that make me a murder?

I finally saw the life I refused to acknowledge. Imagining a little girl who resembled me. Dark brown hair and small heart shaped face, running towards me in a little pink jacket. I clenched my fist into my chest as if to squeeze the pain out of my aching heart. I could have taken care of her. Lived out the rest of my life as a human, making her breakfast and taking her to school. But that life was gone.

My dry throat gasped for air. Vision blurred from the tears rushing out.

I killed her. Murdered her. I was a monster with no care for anyone else in the world.

Edward's face came to my mind. He would have happily supported me having this child, staying human, involving the father. He'd insist on it, lay the groundwork for a cushy life. It would fuel his argument that I should divorce him. Finally pushing him out of my life as he always thought was right. I wouldn't allow that.

I wouldn't let him get away. I killed her to save him. To save us. He gave me no choice. This was his fault.

"It didn't have to be like this!" I yelled into empty space. From the very beginning it was his fault. He broke his promise, pushed me, manipulated me, twisted this life into what he thought it should be. I didn't want this! I had never wanted this. I made my choice long ago and he evaded me. It was his fault. He put this on me. Forced me.

My sobs picked up strength with my anger. Like a child, I banged my fists against the car interior, shouting out nonsense in my anguish.

Time passed this way until my energy had escaped me. I sat back, body limp, head on headrest, face wet but no new tears fell out of my puffy red eyes. I sniffled, looking up at the baby blue sky.

I made this choice. I was a murderer. I cheated on my husband. I wasn't careful about birth control. I signed the papers. I could blame Edward or Derek, but I didn't want to blame anyone. They were my choices and desires that got me here. I had to live with this knowledge and these feelings. They weren't going to go away.

I made this choice. I didn't want this baby. I didn't want to lose Edward. That was still true.

I knew what I had to do. This was my life and I would live with these choices. No longer would I wait for others to decide.

I sent a short text and started the engine. Proceeding towards my future. I didn't look back.

Albany, Wyoming was only 2 and a half hours away. The other Cullens lived close enough for regular visits and joint hunting trips. Sharing the Rocky Mountain range but avoiding the city people. They had a house built in the outskirts of town tucked in around the ridges of mountains. It wouldn't take Edward long once he was on my trail.

I drove straight there, only stopping twice at convenience store bathrooms. Once to vomit, the other to freshen up. I didn't look my best but I needed to be convincing. This was it. Now or never.

On the last bend the large rustic styled house came into view. The covered veranda wrapping around the house, met a back patio that overlooked a scenic drop. Alice stood out front watching me. She had obviously been waiting.

I got out of the car and approached the house. Staring back at her. Would she try to stop me? She did not smile, or move, or speak to me. I stopped in front of her. A small phone in her hand vibrated. She did not respond, only continued to look at me.

"Don't answer it," I said and she nodded. "Where is Carlisle?" She looked towards the house in an upward direction. He was upstairs.

I let myself in. For a moment there was silence, then suddenly Esme was there.

"Bella?" She greeted me, "we weren't expecting you. Is everything alright?" She smiled with slight concern.

"Everything is fine," I told her blankly, "but I want to see Carlisle privately." I moved past her and up the stairs.

Carlisle was sitting at his desk, patiently waiting for my human feet to get me there.

"What a pleasant surprise," he smiled warmly at me as I took the chair across from him. "I hear you need to talk to me."

"I do," I said with no friendly greeting in return. "It's time, Carlisle. I don't want to continue as it has been. I want to be changed today." His smile faded, but I continued in a professional manner.

"You agreed to it a long time ago, and I'd like you to fulfill that promise now."

"Bella the circumstances were different, since then this has been between you and Edward. What has changed? Did you two have a fight?"

"I'm tired of him always deflecting me. I know he wants me to stay human, but I don't. I'm sorry if you feel that I'm throwing something away or being ungrateful but this is my life. My choice. I've made my decision."

There was silence while he sat unsure and I sat determined.

"Carlisle, you tell me that I'm part of this family. You call me your daughter. Won't you do this for me? Won't you change me?"

"Of course, if that's what you really want."

"It is what I really want, let's get started."

"Let's not be too hasty. Let's call Edwar–"

"No!" I spat, "keep him out of this. This is between you and me, Carlisle."

His brow furrowed, "I need time to prepare, get some equipment, and the house isn't ready for a newbor-"

"You're just stalling, you don't need those things," I shook my head, offended.

"I only think you should have more time to think about this."

"I've had ten years to think about this, I'm not going to be persuaded any longer."

He did not respond, only stared silently at me, worry written all over his face.

There was a knock at the door and Alice entered. "I'm sorry to interrupt," she addressed me, "but if I don't answer his call soon he might contact the police."

"Fine," I allowed, "but don't tell him anything."

I turned my determined eyes back to Carlisle. "Please don't be difficult. If you don't do this for me now, then I'm taking a direct flight to Italy."

His eyes widened. My betrayal stung but I didn't flinch. Just another guilt for the list. They left me no option but to force their hand.

Alice entered again. "He's demanding to speak to you," she informed me.

While maintaining my business like stare with Carlisle, I held my hand out to Alice. She gave me the phone.

"Edward," there was no emotion in my voice. "I'm fine," I stated simply, "I want to be alone.

"Bella!" his panic ringing through the receiver, "Why did you leave like that? I was so worried."

"I just needed a change of scenery. Some time alone. Please don't come here."

There was silence as he waited for more information that I did not provide.

"Bella?" he cautiously asked, "is this about the baby?"

My composed mask shattered, tears welding up in my eyes. He knew.

"It's not a problem," he pleaded, "we can work it out."

"No," I whispered into the phone I still grappled with. Shaking my head, begging for his words to stop.

"I've looked at good hospitals. We can buy a bigger house. Derek's a good guy. There is a daycare that –"

My glass heart ruptured and pierced me with a thousand sharp edges. He knew everything. My head and shoulders curled forward in defeat. My face in one hand, covering the eyes I clenched shut. My full pain and regret were exposed. I breathed in a staggered breath.

"Stop. Stop." I begged, "there is nothing to talk about," I emphasized.

There was silence again.

"What do you mean?" He paused.

I couldn't say the words, couldn't admit what I had done.

Hearing my own words through my agonized voice pulled me down farther. "It's gone."

In the back of my mind I was vaguely aware of Esme and Rosalie. How ungrateful they must think I am, to be able to give life then throw it away They'd see the murderer I was. More damage done. But I was too far gone to turn around now. What was done is done.

Edward's confusion and pleading were lost on me as I reigned my pain back in. "Please stay away," I commanded with a little more confidence and ended the call.

"Carlisle," I addressed while holding the device's power button down. He stood next to Alice near the door. Eyes on me, but a conversation, too low and fast for me to hear, having passed between them. The mask of a cold, determined woman returned to my face. "Let's do this now."

"I really think we should wait for you to calm down. You've just been through a big event," he soothed, "One more day w-". I had grabbed the letter opener that had sat on his desk. Positioning the sharp end at the vein in the crease of my elbow. Either the smell of blood would force someone in this house to attack me or I'd make the cut deep enough that it would put me on my deathbed. I was not going back.

"Don't make this difficult," I threatened. Carlisle's eyes widened.

Alice's eyes however, rolled in annoyance. Her composure had stayed calm this whole time.

"Oh for God's sake," she huffed. Stepping forward she quickly put one hand on my shoulder and the other on my head. Tilting it to the side and exposing my neck. She bit.

Her sharp teeth pierced through my skin. Her icy lips numbed the spot until acidic flames erupted from it. I knew what was happening. The burn intensified and I began losing cohesive thought.

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