It's another experimental chapter! Let me know what you think! Formatting was inspired by M0nS00n's MacGyver fic 'Failed To…'
Also, HUGE thank you to Bees-n-Sunshine for the gorgeous picture in the story.
The emails had "hotmail" and "aol" in them, but doesn't like them
TW: Queerphobia, misgendering, and very unsupportive family are discussed.
From: greenstripedskink
Sent: Wednesday, November 27, 1996 11:32 AM
To: tapdanceman
Subject: Kill me now…
OMG thank you sooooooo much for offering to trade emails… I'm going insane. Mom and Dad keep talking about stupid shit, everyone and their dog keep telling me my hair is awful and if I have to hear 'Hannah, that's not very lady-like' one more time, I might just scream. I'm going to turn into Banshee 2.0 and be all over the news as the beginnings of a new mutant uprising… All because 'but you look so pretty in dresses…'
Anyways. Do you really tap? That's so cool! I tried ballet for a while, but then Mom read about a dude who got kicked in the head by a ballerina and died later and she said I couldn't do it anymore. Which sucks, that story made it actually sound cool. When did you start dancing? Do you still do it?
I know you'll ask, or Shawn'll ask through you, so Penny's doing good. I'm keeping her away from the family –can't have her getting sick, y'know– and we have a food corner already set up. She's still acting weird about it, but it's less weird than before? I dunno, I have no clue what I'm doing. Be prepared for ALL of the questions when we get back.
Aaaaaaaaand my aunt, uncle, and five cousins just showed up. Time to do the people thing again. Hope your holiday is going better, ttyl.
Rowan
From: tapdanceman
Sent: Wednesday, November 27, 1996 3:07 PM
To: greenstripedskink
Subject: Re: Kill me now…
Hey Rowan,
I can't kill you, because then I won't have anyone to complain to about my family. I don't let myself do that to Shawn anymore… My mother picked us up right after Shawn's last shift and I hadn't been in the car for more than one minute before she started nagging me about needing a haircut. I guess college kids are doomed to make terrible hair choices according to their families.
My Uncle Burton is coming into town tomorrow and I'm sure I'll have things to say about him. He really likes me, since I'm named after him, but he'll basically complain about everything else under the sun. I once saw him complain that his ice water was too cold. Ice. Water. He has a bad habit of complaining about the food that my mother makes, even though she's the world's best cook. I wonder how bad the blow up would be if I told him I was going by 'Gus' now…
Do you read comics‽ I love the X-men, and Banshee was such a cool concept! I'm really into the Green Spirit right now; I even convinced Shawn to give them a try. Have you checked out the comic book shop downtown? They give away free comics every few months and it was pretty nice for a comic shop. It only smells a little bad instead of smelling like something died there.
Yeah, I tap, though I haven't found the time to do it since starting college. It's hard to read literature and stay on beat at the same time. I brought my shoes and gear home, though. Maybe I'll have a chance to practice here; it's a good stress relief.
Shawn was glad to hear that Penny is doing good. He asked if you're putting her away when she's not around you or the family. I think they've become friends of sorts while working together.
I hope things improve for you.
Sincerely,
Gus
[Written in neat cursive on a thin notepad. 6:48 PM on Wednesday, November 27.]
Grocery store:
- Eggs
- Butter (how did I not notice we were so low?)
- Heavy Whipping Cream
- The terrible boxed stuffing that my brother likes
- A pineapple for Burton
Homegoods store:
- A new tablecloth, orange and fall-themed (I can't get that stain out from last year…)
- Cute napkin holders if they have them (we've had these for years)
- plain white candles (ours burned uneven somehow. Best to start new ones)
Thank you dear, I appreciate you taking care of the last minute shopping.
Winnie
From: greenstripedskink
Sent: Wednesday, November 27, 1996 7:01 PM
To: tapdanceman
Subject: Re: Re: Kill me now…
Wtf is ‽? Did your keyboard have a stroke or something?
Also, how the hell did I not realize that "Gus Guster" wasn't your actual name? I mean, granted, I knew a "Lily Lily" once, but she actually married into that last name. So your name is 'Burton'? You don't look like a Burton at ALL. Wow. My mind is blown.
And why wouldn't you complain to Shawn about your family? That's literally why he's there, for you to talk to him about anything you want…
Yeah, I do read comics! Not very often, granted, but I really like the X-men. If I have to read, that's what I want to read. None of them fit in, but they can still save the world and be cool while doing it. My favorite is actually Cyclops. Especially when someone takes his glasses and he has to choose between destroying things or being blind… Yeah, I know I have issues.
I haven't read Green Spirit though. What's a good starting point?
There's actually dance halls at UCSB! Like, small practice rooms that anyone can go into. If you've got your gear, then you should totally do that some weekends. If you ever do, let me know. I'd love to see you dance. Who knows, maybe I still remember how to sauter.
Your family sounds about as fun as mine. My uncle has a really loud voice that you can hear from the next house over, I swear. I had a headache all dinner while he talked about raising bees and trapping 'pests' in his several-acre forest. Y'know, the forest that those 'pests' call home… But oh no, they might make a precious tree branch fall. Better kill them all!
Sometimes I'll put Penny away if it's a long time, but for things like dinner I'll do a softer put away by telling her to stay in my room… Am I not supposed to do that? All of the experts talk about how slaves can't be trusted on their own and having orders can be a comfort to know what they need to do… Like the limits are good for them. Oh no, this is going to make you mad at me, isn't it… Just let me know what I'm supposed to do instead.
And why.
I probably won't be able to answer stuff until after dinner tomorrow. The whole family's coming over. All thirty-five of them… Good luck with the turkey day!
Rowan
From: tapdanceman
Sent: Wednesday, November 27, 1996 7:35 PM
To: greenstripedskink
Subject: Thanksgiving Chat
Rowan,
‽ is an interrobang and is the appropriate notation to show both a question and surprise. Most people just write "?!" but it's actually inaccurate. I like being accurate.
I also don't complain about my family to people who don't have family. It's not that hard.
In response to putting her away: Think about it. Would you want to kneel on the floor for hours at a time? Although, granted, the first time I didn't put Shawn away, things didn't exactly go according to plan… Maybe start off small. During those times you tell her to stay in your room, give her a few options of things to do. Things like drawing, or reading a book, or folding origami. If she can get used to that, then you might be able to go for longer times without putting her away.
Shawn suggested framing it as something that would make you happy. So maybe a hobby that both of you can do so she feels like she's fulfilling her role of… well, you know. You also know how I feel about that, but Shawn said to add it, so now it's added.
I'm more of a Storm guy myself. It's the cat-suit… I actually have a bunch of Spirit comics in my dorm room; when we get back I'll give you a good story arc to start on. You'll know by the end if you like it or not. I bet you'll like it.
Your uncle and my uncle should go and get drinks together; I bet they'd be fast friends. He's probably complaining at his hotel loud enough for people on the street to hear him. It makes him feel important.
Thirty-five people sounds so chaotic. We have maybe twenty family and friends over on the busy years and even that gets to be a lot.
Good luck with your family,
Burton "Gus" Guster
(Which is a nickname Shawn gave me, hence none of my family knowing it. You're actually the first person I've told that to.)
[Written on a hotel stationary in a unique cursive that's reminiscent of calligraphy. There's scribbles on the corner of the paper and the ink fades in and out, as though it was written with a ball-point pen that was running out of ink. 6:31 AM on Thursday, November 28.]
Complaints to call in when the manager is available:
- There isn't a manager available at 6:30 AM.
- The minifridge is too loud.
- The coffee at the refreshment center wasn't hot enough.
- The folded point of the toilet paper roll wasn't symmetrical.
- The next door neighbors were too loud.
- The bed was lumpy.
- The air conditioner kept waking me up when it turned on.
- The room was too cold.
- One extra blanket is not enough.
If they don't offer a discount bring out the big guns:
- The front desk clerk didn't smile enough, imply racism.
- There were only four drinks in the mini fridge instead of the usual five. Shows regular patronage.
- The cleaning slaves missed several hairs under the bed.
- The room stank from not being aired out properly after the slaves left.
- The bedding wasn't tucked tightly, it probably hadn't even been washed.
Estimated discount: 30%
[Sent to the laptop's trash can at 6:43 AM on Thursday, November 28.]
Shawn,
Today's a day of thanksgiving and our family always says what they're most thankful for. But this year, I can't tell them the real answer. They wouldn't understand and they'd probably think I was trying to make a statement or something ridiculous. So…
I'm thankful for you. You've changed my life in ways I never could have imagined just a few months ago. I have nightmares, sometimes, that I'd walked past you on the pier that day. That we'd never met. That I was still that boy who was destined to be a lonely salesman that no one cared about and you were still that slave who was beaten and scared and not allowed to show the world who you actually were. Who you are is the best friend I always wanted to have, and I can't believe how lucky I am to have finally found you.
I know I don't always get things right, and that sometimes I make things harder. I'm sorry for that. I hope that I've been able to be a good friend to you as well, not to mention being a master that you at least don't hate. I hope, anyway…
You don't have to share the sentiment, or tell me anything at all. But there are times where I think about what it would be like to have a brother. And now I
[Trash can emptied at 6:44 AM on Thursday, November 28.]
—-
[On a crumpled up paper thrown in the trash can at 7:15 AM on Thursday, November 28. The words are written in a shaky print that's barely legible.]
Gus, thank you. If it wasn't for you, I'd be dead by now. You're the Maverick to my
[The trash can was emptied at 7:33 AM on Thursday, November 28. The owner was curious but didn't ask any questions as the writer of the note took the trash bag to the outside bin.]
From: tapdanceman
Sent: Thursday, November 28, 1996 2:25 PM
To: greenstripedskink
Subject: Thanksgiving Chat (Part 2)
Well, I was right. Uncle Burton came in complaining about the hotel, the drive, the fact that our driveway isn't long enough for everyone's cars… He even complained that there was too much turkey. How is that something to complain about? It's the best leftovers of the whole damn year.
My mother's friend Marge came over too and wouldn't stop talking about the most recent murder. You know, the one where the weird symbol was carved into the man's head? She wouldn't stop talking about it, even while we were eating. Don't get me wrong, it's kind of interesting –especially since it's the second murder like it. But there's a time and a place. Shawn and I talk about murders sometimes; we like to try to solve them. But even we know that death and food don't go together.
My sister would disagree with that, though. She was a vegetarian for a while… But she doesn't count. She didn't get to make it back for Thanksgiving; she's shadowing a lawyer and had to stay upstate for a trial. But she'll be here for Christmas, which I'm looking forward to. Do you have any siblings?
I'm sorry I got short with you on the slave stuff; I know you're learning. Shawn pointed out that you're already being nicer than nearly every other master out there. I just always get a bit snappy when I'm around my parents. They treat me like I'm a little kid and I can't ever do anything good enough to prove them wrong. Mom had to bring up the idea of me commuting to school at least three times during lunch, and Dad wasn't much better, always giving me that smug smile whenever I said something. Like the only reason I was smart enough to say it was because he taught me. It's infuriating.
Shawn had to help with cooking and cleaning; I'm actually waiting for him to come back to the room. Mom wouldn't let me help him while her friends were over. I figured if I couldn't help him, then I wouldn't visit with them either. So, I'm visiting with you instead, I guess.
How did things go? Is your family sticking around or do you just have to deal with them over dinner?
Sincerely,
Gus
[Written in slanted cursive on a card with a sentimental and completely forgettable message typed on one side. 6:57 PM on Thursday, November 28.]
Winnie, thank you so much for having me over for your Thanksgiving meal. The food was divine and the company overflowed with love. It was wonderful to see all of your family and I can't believe how much Burton has grown! It's only been a few months, but he carries himself like a man now.
I wanted to also thank you for your friendship, it is very precious to me. Us old ladies have to stick together! Who else would I play cards with, or swap recipes with, or complain about our sons with? The Lord blessed me that day we met and I'll always give thanks to Him for it. You are a wonderful person and you make the people around you wonderful too.
Thank you for being a dear part of my family, I look forward to seeing you in church.
God Bless,
Marge
From: greenstripedskink
Sent: Thursday, November 28, 1996 8:53 PM
To: tapdanceman
Subject: Re: Thanksgiving Chat (Part 2)
Family went terrible, can't explain now, don't have much battery. Need to find somewhere to stay a few days, then… somewhere to stay after a few days.
Penny's with me; I wouldn't let them keep her. She told me her real name's Abigail. We're staying safe.
Ttys.
Rowan. No last name.
From: tapdanceman
Sent: Thursday, November 28, 1996 9:01 PM
To: greenstripedskink
Subject: Re: Re: Thanksgiving Chat (Part 2)
How can I help? I know I complain about them a lot, but Mom and Dad would let you stay here without question. Where are you at? I can borrow the car and pick you two up, no questions asked.
Just let me know what you need,
Gus
[Written in careful cursive on a note set on the pillow of a king-sized bed. 9:22 PM on Thursday, November 28.]
Winnie,
You are the best wife I could ask for, and together we've raised two of the best kids. I'm always in awe of how you can manage your business, the house, and a flourishing social life all without dropping a beat. I love the way you get competitive with games. I love your small smirk when you think no one's looking. I love your delicious pies. I love how you fill out that flower dress. I love your passion when someone needs help. I love when you have flour on your face. I love when you kiss me at night. I love the other things we do at night. I love hearing you sing at church, even if you don't think you're very good. I love how you always hold your head up high. I love how we tackle the world together.
I love YOU.
Sincerely,
Bill
[A picture of a young woman with a small smirk is drawn in a sketchbook with a dark blue cover at 12:35 AM on Friday, November 29.]
[In shaky print underneath the picture.]
Please stay safe….
[Written in neat cursive on a note attached to the cover of a warm pie at 6:55 AM on Friday, November 29.]
I made you your favorite to share with the other salesmen. But I won't tell anyone if you keep it all for yourself. I love you too.
Have a good day at work,
Winnie
From: tapdanceman
Sent: Friday, November 29, 1996 7:01 PM
To: greenstripedskink
Subject: Checking in
I haven't heard from you. Did you find a place? Are you ok?
Let me know how you are.
Gus
[Written in neat cursive in a small envelope containing fifty dollars. 8:05 AM on Sunday, November 30.]
Dear Burton,
You've grown up so much, we can't believe our little boy is in college already! We always knew you were smart, and now you're proving it to the world. You're going to go so far. This is just a little something to perk you up through the next round of finals. Spend it wisely!
Love,
Mom and Dad
From: tapdanceman
Sent: Saturday, November 30, 1996 5:48 PM
To: greenstripedskink
Subject: Checking in again
Rowan,
We still haven't heard from you; it's not like you to be quiet this long. Or ever. I keep imagining the worst case scenarios: you lying hurt somewhere, one of you dead in a ditch, you getting caught and the cops collaring you… Even just a quick 'hi, still here' would be appreciated.
Please let us know you're ok; we're getting worried.
Gus
[Typed on thick paper with a lawyer firm letterhead. Taken out of the mailbox at 7:03 PM on Saturday, November 30.]
Hey little bro!
How are things going? Sorry I had to leave you to fend for yourself this Thanksgiving. Next time you write, you'll have to tell me the top three Uncle Burton complaints. Wait, let me guess… Mom's pies were too perfect for him.
While I am sorry, I still have to say that it was worth it. I got to see Rosalind Sharpe in action. She is ruthless in a courtroom and I think I've learned more in these past two weeks than I did all through undergrad.
I've also gotten to really explore San Francisco and I don't think I can ever live in a smaller city again. Don't get me wrong; Santa Barbara is great. But there's just so much more here. Not to mention being several hours away from… certain people. It's good to have room to stretch my wings.
How are your wings doing? Do you like college? I couldn't believe it when I heard you were staying close to home and going to the University of California. What happened to Pomono? I know you got that scholarship, but did you really have to stay in Santa Barbara? Have you met any friends? Or any more-than-friends? Let me know how my favorite brother is doing!
We're having a team Thanksgiving here since no one can go home until the trial is done. I'll miss you, and I'll miss Mom's cooking; I heard we were getting barbecue… It could be the best barbecue in the world, but it's not Mom's turkey. It's still worth it though.
Give my love to the family!
Joy
From: greenstripedskink
Sent: Sunday, November 31, 1996 8:22 AM
To: tapdanceman
Subject: Re: Checking in again
Hi. Still here.
Sorry I didn't answer earlier. It took a while to figure things out.
I'm with one of my cousins. She saw everything go down and reached out. Thanks for your offer though, it means a lot.
So Thursday wasn't going great, but it was basically stuff that I expected, you know? Then my Aunt said something stupid. It wasn't even all that bad, comparatively, but I just… couldn't take it anymore. It was like everything I was holding back just exploded out of my mouth.
I don't know which fact did it, me telling them I'm not a girl, or that I'm atheist, or that I like boys AND girls… but I got kicked out. I only had time to yell for Abigail to grab my bookbag and they were shoving me out of the door and saying I couldn't come back until I made things right.
I want to hate them, but they're family, y'know? Well, I hope you know, because I sure as heck don't. I don't know what came over me, why I had to ruin everything like that. It was like every thought and hope and fear started screaming at me, and I knew if I didn't do anything then… then I'd never do anything. And not doing anything meant that I wasn't me.
I HAVE to be me. Everything else is secondary.
Mom and Dad cut me off too, it's not just their house. They said they wouldn't pay for school anymore. They think school is where I 'learned these dangerous ideas'. They never listen; I don't know why I expected them to listen now. They've already paid the rest of this semester, so I'll still be around, but I probably won't make it up there for a few more weeks. I have to figure out jobs and scholarships and if I can get any help. That's not me asking for a handout, just letting you know that I might not be around as much.
But at least my cousin had my back. She was always one of the quiet ones that got looked over; so we've always gotten along great. I'm sharing the basement with her big fuzzy dog, Ozzy. There are definitely worse places to be. Abigail gets a bed too, there's two of them down here, and you'd have been proud of me. I think. I let her pick whether she wanted the one that the dog is used to sleeping on. I have a warm fuzzy foot blanket now every night, so I can't say I disagree with her pick.
Abigail told me her real name, the one her mother gave her, the night I got kicked out. I still don't know why. Maybe I'll ask her someday. If it wasn't for my cousin… you were right. I have been thinking about slaves all wrong. I didn't realize how close to the line I was until I was staring across it. It's too easy to be an 'unproductive member of society' when you don't have a home anymore.
Thanks for reaching out, I'll stay in touch.
Rowan
[Written in neat print on a card that was obviously bought that same day. 11:21 AM on Sunday, November 31.]
Mom and Dad,
I know I don't say it much, but I appreciate everything you do for me. Thank you for always supporting me, even when you don't completely agree with what I'm doing. You taught me well, and those lessons are still helping me today. I'm still looking for the person who's sitting alone, or the person who needs help. I don't think I'll ever stop looking for them. You pushed me to go as far as I could, and you've done everything in your power to make sure I could achieve that. I won't forget it.
Thank you. And I love you.
Burton
[Written in shaky print on the back of a piece of cut up homework. 10:54 PM on Sunday, November 31.]
Dad. Its thanksgiving weekend. Gus and his family have been sharing what their thankful for. I know you wont ever get to read this but… Im thankful for all of the lessons you taught me. Sometimes I liked them, sometimes I hated them, but they saved my life. They saved me.
Gus says you can share thankfulness, share that you care or love someone, in diferent ways. Saying it, writing it, giving gifts, doing nice things. I can see that was how you showed it. I dont know if Im right, but I think the lessons were about teaching me to survive even if they were also about being a good cop. I promised you, after that bully. When you were cleaning my nuckles when I won the fight. I promised that Id make sure I survived if I ever got in a fight I couldnt win.
It was the last promise I ever made you. And Ive kept it. But I couldntve done it without your lessons. I wouldnt be me, be someone Gus wants to be friends with, without the lessons.
Thank you. And I miss you.
Shawn
Shawn Spencer
Shawn Henry Spencer
[The cut up homework was crumpled into a ball before being flattened out and carefully folded. It was placed in a basket at 12:01 AM on Monday, December 1.]
A/N: The images were also eaten by FFN. You can find them at [slash]a[slash]AIFa7mJ