Chapter Five: Cracks
Light waited on the steps outside L's house, the sky growing gray again, and anxiety twisting inside him. His carefully constructed facade of perfection, the one he wore like armor to shield himself from the world, was starting to feel a little more fragile. To everyone around him, he was the epitome of success, the top student with an enviable life. What did it mean to kiss a guy?
He drew in a shaky breath, attempting to regain his composure. Light had always prided himself on his control, on being the flawless version of himself that everyone admired. But L's presence had cracked that facade, leaving him exposed and vulnerable, the pieces of his carefully crafted identity slipping through his fingers.
Sitting next to L in the cafeteria had been a bad idea. Playing tennis with him had been even worse. But how was he supposed to have known that getting closer to a guy who rivaled, even surpassed, his scores was dangerous? He didn't think there would be anyone—
When L finally walked up the path, Light's heart felt like it jumped. He wasn't sure if L was already home and ignoring him, or if he'd been out. He was going to wait another ten minutes until he left it in the mailbox.
"What are you doing here?" L asked, surprised, but his tone still flat. A plastic bag from the convenience store was in his hand.
"You… never came back to class. I collected the homework for you." Light's voice faltered for a moment. "We got an assignment to do over the summer, and you would have failed if you didn't complete it. We don't have another history class before the break... and I…" He hesitated. "I need to apologize."
"About what?"
"About... today," Light managed, wariness edging his words.
"There's nothing to apologize for," L retorted, a spark in his dark eyes.
"Here." Light's hand moved to his pocket, pulling out his phone and flipping it open. "You can see. I turned her down."
L stared at the screen.
'Yumi-san,
I'm sorry, but I can't return your feelings.
Please understand, and I hope we can remain classmates on good terms.'
"Look, about—"
"Do you want to come in?" L interrupted, as if wanting to change the subject.
"No, I should be getting home."
"Then let me rephrase it so that it isn't a question. Come in."
L drew the key from his pocket and turned it slowly. The sound of the water fountain in the front yard filtered back into Light's ears as he refocused.
He hesitated, his gaze lingering on L's face before he finally stepped inside.
As L moved to the kitchen, he opened the microwave, taking a heatable bento pack out from the plastic bag. The seconds ticked by, thickening the air, and Light's gaze flickered about the kitchen. The color of his world again felt like it faded to gray. Just then, raindrops began to drum softly against the window.
"Tea?" L offered, his voice quieter now.
"Ah—thanks," Light replied, his tone almost tentative.
Light took the cup, their fingers brushing, sending a jolt up Light's arm. Before he could process it, L leaned in, capturing his lips in a kiss that shot fire through Light's veins. L pressed him back against the kitchen counter, his body firm and demanding. Light's heart raced, pulse quickening as he found himself flustered, his breath hitching.
Light backed up instinctively, his hand fumbling to put the tea on the counter while the other steadied himself behind him. L leaned closer, invading his space, and his tongue pushed into Light's mouth, fierce and demanding, overwhelming him with heat. The colors of his reality returned in vivid bursts—deep reds and blues—each pulse sending his mind and body spiraling.
Their bodies pressed together, and Light gasped as L lifted him onto the counter. Confused—intoxicated—L's body grazed against him, their movements becoming a rhythmic grind that sent a rush through Light. His mind went blank, filled only with the sensation of L against him.
"Fuck," Light panted quietly, his breath ragged.
L halted and pulled back.
He took a step away, studying him. "Hm, you're actually serious..."
"What do you mean by that?" Light shot back, uncertainty flaring, and his voice betraying him.
"I thought you were just curious."
"You're just going to stop?"
"Yes. Why wouldn't I? We don't have any kind of relationship."
Light grabbed L's shirt, tugging him closer.
"You can't just mess around with me!"
"I'd like to say the same."
"Then what do you want? We barely know each other."
"You were the one who kissed me first. Why are you the one asking me that question?"
The weight of those words hung between them, and Light's frustration morphed into confusion. "I should really just go home. I don't even know what headspace I'm in right now..."
"Alright," L replied, his gaze dropping as he stepped further back.
Light reached for his bag, his breath still annoyingly coming out in bursts.
He had to go home. What was he doing? He'd just come here to apologize, to give L the homework, to clear his mind and his conscience, and then he could continue as things were before.
The perfect facade, cracks repaired, sealed, and forgotten. He'd continue on—
He surged forward, capturing L's mouth in a fierce kiss. He shoved L back against the kitchen counter. If L was going to do this, then this was his fight, and he wouldn't lose. He could still be the perfect Light Yagami to the rest of the world, but for once, where no one could see, couldn't he just break? Smash it all, tear it down, turn it into dust—rip out the emptiness inside of him and allow himself to feel—something.
His fingers tangled in L's dark hair, the strands feeling different under his grip—short, textured, unlike anything he was used to. A low moan surprisingly escaped L's lips, urging him on, and Light pushed him against the other counter, desperation mingling with a strange thrill. Dominating another guy felt new. L wasn't soft; he was strong, his kisses biting and demanding.
Then, as he was drowning, the sound of keys and the front door opening reached his ears. Panic shot through him. L's nails dug into Light's side, a warning, and in that instant, everything shattered. Light tore away, heart pounding as he tried to collect himself. A few moments later, "Good evening," who Light assumed was L's grandfather greeted, his voice warm but tinged with surprise.
"Good evening," Light replied, striving to keep his tone steady and his expression neutral. Across from him, L took his almost forgotten food out from the microwave, hiding his flushed face and swallowing. His hair, Light noticed, was still a mess.
"Oh, hi Grandpa," he greeted in English.
"Sorry, I wasn't expecting a visitor. It's nice to meet you. I'm L's grandfather, Watari." Watari's smile was warm, and if he suspected anything, he didn't show it. Maybe he didn't; it's not like he'd seen anything after all. Light liked to hope.
Light bowed slightly, forcing himself to maintain composure. "I'm Light. Nice to meet you."
"Forgive me, but I can't talk right now; you see, I need to put these bags down. They're heavy," Watari said, glancing down at the various things he was struggling to manage.
"Ah—here, let me help you." The offer felt like a welcome distraction as Light stepped forward. He took hold of a laptop case and two heavy suitcases, feeling their weight in his arms.
"Oh! Thank you! Today, I was at a convention. Presenting, of course—" Watari's voice was a welcome distraction as Light walked down the hall. He didn't know how the old man had been managing by himself before, because even he was struggling under the weight of everything, and he wondered what was inside. "The equipment, could you believe, is much heavier than it looks? I'm not as young as I once was. But at least my mind is still sharp," Watari chuckled, adjusting his glasses.
"That sounds tough…" Light replied, genuinely curious. He wondered what L was doing or if he could still hear them. They turned another corner, and there was a room Light assumed was a study. His heart was still thudding in his chest, and hope it would calm down. "What was the convention about?"
"No, no, I'm alright. Well, it was about a new surveillance technology I created. An MMDS. That is, a multi-modal detection system. But I won't bore you. Light? Yes, Light. Could you do me a favor?" Watari asked, his tone shifting slightly, quieter. Light put the cases down. "How's L? Is he okay? I ask him, but he doesn't give away much. He's had a rough year. But I'm glad to see he's made a friend. Tell me, is he alright?"
Light hesitated, sure that he wasn't the person to ask, but what could he say? That he and L still didn't really know each other that well? Now that he thought of it, they really didn't. "I'm... not so sure."
"Mmm. I understand. I'm not much of a replacement for his parents, and with work, I'm busy—oh, you don't have to listen to the ramblings of an old man," Watari said, waving his hand dismissively. He fell into his chair, his eyes looking heavy and tired. There was a clock on the wall that ticked loudly. Oak? The white walls were covered in shelves with artifacts and souvenirs from different countries.
"L used to say what was on his mind without a second thought. Now, you have to poke him to get any sort of response." Watari sighed, a wistful look crossing his face. "Well, I only visited England twice a year. A shame what happened to my daughter… yes, his mother. She was like the sun, and his father, the moon. Truly, they adored each other. I'm a man of science, and I know that the end of life is death, and that doesn't always come at the time of old age. Nevertheless, I miss her dearly. It's a terrible thing for your child to…"
Watari trailed off, pushed up his glasses again, and Light stood, silent, feeling out of place.
"I'm sorry…" he finally said quietly. "For your loss."
Watari shook his head. "Please forgive me. Thank you for helping me, Light." His voice softened, as if he had just remembered something. "Ah yes, L told me about you. The popular boy who scored at the top of the class. I told him he should try to talk to you at the start of the year, but he said he'd probably burn if he got too close. I didn't exactly know what he meant, but I'm glad to see he finally overcame his hesitations."
Startled, Light glanced up.
"I suppose he had some kind of bad experience before," Watari shrugged. He pulled open the drawer at his desk, took out a document, and started studying it. "I'm sure Elizabeth could tell me, if she were here…"
After their conversation closed, Light walked back to the kitchen. L was staring out the window, and he suddenly felt something being pulled from his pocket. Light was beside him and had opened his phone. In his other hand, he had his own.
"What are you doing?" L asked, curiosity mixing with confusion.
"Getting your number," Light replied. His fingers moved swiftly across the keypad.
"You know," L deadpanned. "You have a habit of just taking my phone."
After pressing 'save contact,' Light slipped it back into L's pocket, then passed over his own.
"Then, here."
To his surprise, L took it.
He started scrolling through Light's calendar.
"Hey—what are you doing?"
"Setting a reminder."
"What for?"
"You'll find it later."
Light found the entry that L had made. October 31.
L had saved it as 'The birthday of the student who came first in the class'.
Light now knew L's birthday, and that was a little more than before. He still also had the coded note from class to figure out.
He sat at his desk, surrounded by a fortress of textbooks and loose sheets of paper, the glow of his desk lamp illuminating the late-night chaos. He took a deep breath, glancing at the clock and realizing how late it had grown. With a sigh, he finished his last homework problem and pushed the pencil aside, feeling the tension of the day slowly release from his shoulders.
He showered and caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. His auburn hair was damp but in place. His face, too. He expected that he might, for some reason, look different. Once dressed, he went back to his room and grabbed his phone from the bedside table. The bed was comforting, with the blankets surrounding him. He opened a new message to L, his fingers hovering over the keypad as he tried to find the right words to start a conversation.
'Will you meet me tomorrow morning?'
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 'No.'
Light frowned.
'Can I apologize again?'
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 'Do you even know what you're apologizing for?'
'1. I kissed you without even knowing your feelings.
2. I let another girl kiss me in front of you right after that.
In other words, I must seem like a piece of trash. Did I come close?'
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 'That's more or less correct.'
Light wondered if he'd already screwed things up. The air around him felt charged, even from a distance.
'So let me try and explain.
1. You're the first guy I kissed. I also haven't been able to get you out of my head since we started talking. It's what I was talking about when I said something was annoying me this morning. I rushed it. I panicked.
2. I was in shock. It took me a while to react. Not a completely valid excuse. That's on me.'
__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 'Apology not completely accepted. Apology also not really needed.'
'Then, which one is it?'
'Goodnight.'
The coldness stung in the air, and Light buried his head deeper back onto his pillow.
'Night. See you tomorrow.'
__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 'I think I might be late.'
'Why?'
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _'Not feeling that well again.'
'Then I'll meet you at your place.'
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _'No, actually, I don't think I'll go to class.'
'How sick are you?'
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _'I'm tired.'
'Are you just brushing me off?'
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _'Yes.'
'Fine. If you want me to leave you alone, then just say so.'
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _'I don't.'
The response made Light's heart annoyingly race.
'Good. Because I wasn't exactly going to give up.'
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _'Give up what?'
'Asking you out before the summer break.'
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _'I don't want any kind of relationship. And I believe you're still treating this as some sort of competition.'
'A date is hardly a relationship. But that's fine; I'll be patient.'
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _'And? Is this some kind of competition?'
Light considered the question, feeling the weight of it as he stared at the ceiling.
'To top the class? You know, when I said I'm not easy competition, I was talking about our scores.'
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _'In any case, I think I'd prefer to be on top.'
Light felt his whole face go red. Undoubtedly, that was L's intention. Could he even go that far?
What am I doing?
This is way too far…
If his world crashed completely, would he be able to pull himself out? Unscathed, unblemished, without anyone even knowing that he had ever left his spot, perfect student, top of the class, always polite, always empty, always smiling, always—
Perfect.
He placed the phone down on the bed, feeling the world crash down on him.
His phone buzzed again.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _'Goodnight, Light.'
He swallowed. No, he was panicking. And besides, there was nothing wrong about liking a guy.
'Goodnight.'
But the world was far from perfect, and he knew he would no longer fit in it the way he did before.