What Could Have Been
Chapter Seventeen "I wish I was never born..."
"Fred?"
Everything stopped.
Muriel.
"Fred? Are you in there?"
The door opened and papers showered upon him, pelting him over the head and covering him and the wolf version of Fred.
"Muriel!" Courage gasped, bursting through the papers, scared for his owners safety.
Glancing around, he saw to his relief that the wolves were gone. The attic had gone back to normal with Computer in his usual corner. He started as Fred shifted under the papers and Courage wondered how Muriel would react to her nephew being a wolf.
The very familair and very human freaky barber sat up, papers sliding off of him, his face red and his blonde hair messy.
"Oh my, this attic is very messy! What on earth were you two doing?"
"We were-we were-" Fred stammered, glancing at Courage, "We were just playing."
Glancing at Muriel, Courage tried to wag his tail as best as he could.
"Uh huh!" He said, mustering his best smile.
"Oh." Muriel cooed, "But aren't you two terribly hot up here? Why don't you two play outside instead of in this stuffy attic?"
"I doubt it's any less hot outside than up here." Fred chuckled, his bright pink cheeks deepening to magenta, "And anyway, I think Courage and I ought to clean up."
"I have a surprise for you, Fred dear. I made you your favorite dish."
"Have you?"
"You boys clean up this attic as quick as you can and come down stairs."
"I ought to shower first." Fred gave another shaky chuckle, pulling on his cardigan, which looked as though it were missing several buttons .
"Alright."
Muriel stood in the doorway, clasping her hands to her chest.
"Ah, it just warms my heart to see you two become such good friends. That's all I've ever wanted, Fred and Courage dear."
With another soft chuckle, she began to hum as she closed the door behind her. Courage and the freaky barber sat still, listening until they were sure Muriel was out of earshot.
"Courage-"
Courage struck the freaky barber across the face. Fred reeled back, raising his hands to shield his face.
"Stop-"
The freaky barber grabbed both of Courage's paws and Courage attempted to twist out of his grasp, pain shooting through his forelegs.
"Don't hit me, Courage-"
"You raped me!"
Fred loosened his grip and Courage ripped his paws from his grasp and tackled him.
"You raped me!"
He hit Fred's attempts to grab his paws.
"You shaved my body! You shaved my crotch! You shaved that part of my body! You touched that part of my body!"
"Courage-" Fred pressed himself against the wall, "I didn't-I didn't-"
"Don't-" Courage grabbed the freaky barber's shirt collar,"Don't you dare try to weasel out of this! If you even try to deny what you did, I'll kill you!"
He was ready to kill him. He didn't care what Muriel would think. He didn't care what Muriel would think of him. There was no future for him at the farm anymore.
There wasn't any future for him in that moment.
Only this.
Fred held his gaze. His face reddened. Trembling. Bloodshot green eyes welling. Blotched cheeks. Throat trembling as though he had difficulty swallowing.
"Yes. I-" His deep voice broke, "I- I touched you there. I touched your body. I-I-"
His tears splashed, hitting Courage's face.
"I raped you. I raped you."
His face screwed up as he fought back a sob.
"But I swear to you, I never - never-" He brought his fist against the floor, "Never intended to! It was never my intention, Courage!"
"I don't care! You still did it! It doesn't matter if you didn't intend to! You still did it!"
Tears spilled down Fred's face and dripped off his chin and Courage didn't care if the freaky barber was actually sorry or not. He was sick of seeing him cry, sick of smelling his tears.
"I did. I did."
His face crumpled.
"I...I raped you. I raped you."
Fred let out a sob, a sob that sounded as though it were coming from a little boy than a man.
"Oh, Courage, I'm so sorry-"
"Shut up!" Courage screamed, "Just shut up! I don't want to hear you say you're sorry! I'll never feel normal again! I'll never feel normal again for the rest of my life and its all because of you!"
The freaky barber hung his head and began to bawl like a child.
"Stop crying! I'm sick of seeing you cry!"
Courage struck the freaky barber across the face.
This time, Fred didn't try to block him.
"Rapist."
Spotting Fred's journal close by he picked it up and threw it as hard as he could at the freaky barber's face.
"Rapist!"
He punched and kicked at the freaky barber who covered the back of his neck with his hands, curling against the ground. Fred let out a muffled shriek against the floor as Courage gripped onto his hair with his teeth and tugging as hard as he could. Every muffled sobbing shriek of pain drove him to bite harder, clamping his mouth onto the freaky barber's arm, punching and kicking every part of Fred's body.
"How do you like that, you piece of garbage?" Courage didn't recognize his own voice, "You don't like it when it's happening to you, huh? How does it feel, huh?"
He clamored on top of Fred, who covered the back of his neck with both of his hands, and he bit and punched and clawed, relishing every snarl and sob of pain until he had to stop, feeling as though he were going to throw up. Fred's body odor made his stomach bubble with nausea.
"I wish Crane killed you."
He could punch and kick Fred as hard as he could but it wouldn't matter...
"I wish Crane killed you when you were a kid. Everyone's lives would have been better if you died! Barbara's, that hamster you shaved, Lindsey-"
Courage started backwards as Fred suddenly sat up.
"Lindsey?" The freaky barber rose to his feet, "Why the hell are you talking about her? She has nothing to do with any of this-"
"You-"
He couldn't bring himself to say it.
"You did what Crane did to Cordelia-"
"You saw us?"
He turned away, screwing his eyes shut.
"You saw us...together?"
"I know you did what Crane did to Cordelia...to her."
Fred ran a hand over his mouth.
"What of it?" Fred spat, "So what if I had? What are you trying to insinuate?"
"You used her. You used her to get back at Crane."
Fred looked right into his eyes
"You did what he had done to Cordelia to get back at him-"
"I have never used her!"
"I think you did! I think you slept with her just so you could rub it in Crane's face-"
"Lindsey and I have been sleeping together since high school-"
The freaky barber stopped, screwing his eyes shut, he drew in a shuddering breath.
"She asked me to sleep with her! And..."
He flushed.
"I did what she asked me to do. So, don't you dare try and insinuate that I forced her to do certain things! I have never forced myself on her-"
"You have no problem shaving someone against their will," Computer drawled, "It isn't a stretch of the imagination to assume that you would do something like that."
"I-I-"
Courage decided he had enough.
"Just get out of here!"
He picked up Fred's journal and threw it at the attic door with all his might.
"Take your stupid journal and get out of my attic!"
Picking up the journal, Fred glowered at Courage.
"I didn't want you to see that."
"What?" Courage spat.
"What Lindsey and I did in private..."
His fuchsia cheeks deepened to magenta.
"That was my privacy and my private business-"
"Then maybe you shouldn't hang out in a place where everyone can see your private memories." Computer said.
"I had no idea you could see my memories! I only just learned that you can see my memories! And I don't know how to control it! I can't control which memories you can see-"
"I don't care!" Courage snapped, "You're not allowed in this attic anymore!" Courage said, "This is my private place and where I go to have privacy! You already have your own room! If you want to write garbage and act like a weirdo, then do it in there!" He lunged at Fred, "Get out of here-"
His limbs shaking with adrenaline, he forced himself to stand, watching the door close and straining his ears to listen if Fred had actually gone away. As soon as he was sure the freaky barber was out of ear shot, Courage collapsed to the ground, shaking. He felt weak. He hadn't felt a drop of weakness punching and kicking Fred and now he felt as though he couldn't face the freaky barber ever again.
He crawled towards Computer and pulled himself onto the chair. He didn't feel like looking for the bucket, wherever it was, he just needed to sit down in a place closer to Computer and as far away from the freaky barber as he could.
"I must say," Computer began, "I think you handled that very well. I'm very proud of you, Dog."
In any other situation, Courage would have beamed with happiness or he would've thought Computer was trying to put him on.
"I'm going to work on my memoir." Courage murmured, "I'm going to get to work on editing it and publishing it and I'm going to publish that word that feels unsafe or infected or whatever."
But even as he said this, he felt he didn't have the strength to sit upright, let alone type. He couldn't remember a single word from his memoir other than the infected, unusable word.
"Well, you certainly exceeded all of my expectations." Computer said, his tone uncertain, "You managed to overcome your symptoms in less than a week. That's very impressive, Dog."
"I don't care what happens to Muriel. I'm going to publish my memor with the infected word. I will. I will. She knew he raped me. She saw that he raped me and she didn't care. She doesn't care that he raped me. He raped me. He raped me, Computer! He raped me-"
But even as he said this, a part of him wondered if this was true at all.
Had he really been raped?
Embarrassment burned his stomach.
Fred hadn't touched him there with his bare hands or fingers. He had touched his bare skin but it was only to hold him down. Fred hadn't actually touched him or caressed him or stroked him in a sexual way. The freaky barber seemed more interested in shaving him than looking at his actual body.
But...
Fred forcing pancakes into his mouth.
Fred hadn't touched him there.
But...
Fred forcing something into his mouth...
It had...
It had felt...
Violating.
Fred forcing something into his mouth felt violating.
It still felt violating.
Anything forced into his mouth would feel violating.
It didn't matter if it wasn't...
A body part..
Or even Fred's fingers..
It still felt.
Violating.
"Does it count..." Courage looked at Computer's monitor glancing at the keyboard.
He typed out everything that Fred had done to him before typing out the question:
is that rape? does that count as rape?
Courage pulled his legs closer to his chest, his pounding heart felt too large in his ribcage, scared of what the answer would be. Scared that what Fred had done to him had been rape and scared that he could be wrong that what Fred had done to him hadn't been rape at all.
"In the case of a male assualting another male," Computer began, his usual wry sarcastic tone absent from his voice, "It is considered rape if a male penetrates another male, whether with a body part or an object."
"What he had done..." Courage swallowed, "With the pancakes...does that count as..."
He couldn't bring himself to say it.
"Does that count?"
"Regardless if it counts or not, molestation is the act of touching someone without their permission or consent. He touched your body without your permission or consent. So, even if it isn't considered rape, he did technically molest you."
Courage's throat suddenly tightened. Tears spilt from his eyes, splashing and spattering onto the keyboard.
"Courage? Would you..."
The uncharacteristic gentleness in Computer's voice made Courage look at the monitor.
"...Would you like me to hug you? You flesh creatures tend to hug each other when you're upset. I don't know if my robot arms will be of any comfort to you, but...I'd thought I'd ask-"
Moving aside the keyboard, Courage wrapped his forelegs around Computer, feeling the slim metal arms rest against his shoulders and around his middle.
"I've never done this before. Is this adequate? I'm not holding you too tightly?"
"This is perfect."
The simple gesture and the fact that Computer of all people had offered it brought tears to his eyes.
"He raped me." He sobbed, "He raped me, Computer! He raped me!"
He held onto Computer and cried and cried and cried, unable to stop, repeating the same thing over and over and over.
Computer just held him.
The attic had dimmed by the time Courage ran out of tears, the afternoon outside burned orange.
"Well," Computer said, "I certainly hope all this water you doused on my screen won't do anything to my circuits."
Courage gave a feeble chuckle, drying off the monitor as best as he could, "I wouldn't worry about it."
Computer withdrew his arms as Courage sank back against the chair, clutching his head. His head hurt and his eyes ached.
"Courage?"
Computer paused.
"I'm sorry I called you an insect all those years ago. I didn't mean it."
"I know you didn't." Courage smiled, "And even if you did mean it at the time, I know you don't stand by it."
His throat tightened.
"You're the only one who understands what I went through. You're the only one who understands what he did..."
He rubbed his eyes.
"My eyes hurt."
"You're most likely dehydrated seeing as you lost a considerable amount of water from all of that blubbering."
Courage laughed weakly, glad that Computer hadn't changed that much.
"Perhaps a glass of water would help."
Courage glanced towards the closed attic door, the world outside burned orange, casting the rest of the attic in shadow.
"You're going to have to leave this attic eventually." Computer said, "You're going to have to face him eventually. And besides, if you're with Muriel, I doubt he'll do anything. You can do it. Go get him, Tiger."
"Never change, Computer."
"I wouldn't dream of it."
"Since when do computers dream?"
"It's just an expression. You twit."
Courage smiled and slid off the chair.
"Computer?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks. For everything."
"Don't mention it."
Walking through the hallway, he realized just how much the attic had smelled of tears and just how much cooler the rest of the house felt in comparison. Fred's door and the bathroom door were closed. Another meteor sighting blared from the television.
"Ah, Courage!" Muriel beamed, "I was wondering where you were! Is Fred dear still in the shower?"
While it was brighter in the kitchen than in the attic, the afternoon outside made the kitchen darker. The bright orange sunlight painting the wall above the table reminded him of the nightmare he had the night the freaky barber left. Pulling a chair to the sink, Courage poured himself a glass of water and gulped it down.
"Courage?"
Something in his owner's voice caused Courage to look at Muriel.
"You haven't been yourself today. You've been avoiding me all day. What's the matter? What's wrong?"
If only he could speak to her. If only she could understand him. If only he could explain everything that Fred had done to him. If only she understood how he felt.
"Courage?"
Heart weighing heavy in his chest, he sighed.
"Muriel?"
"What is it, Courage?" Muriel asked as though she understood him and for a moment, he felt he could tell her everything.
"I-I-"
His ears perked up as he heard someone come down the stairs. He saw Muriel glance towards the living room and he took this oppurtunity to duck under the table, pressing his back against the wall, hoping Muriel wouldn't give away where he was.
"Ah, Fred! There you are! I made you your favorite! Blueberry pancakes with whipped cream and maple syrup!"
Fred didn't answer.
"I wonder where Courage went. He was just here a moment ago!" Courage heard her open the screen door, "Courage! We're going to eat! Courage? Courage?"
From where Courage sat he could only see his owners and the freaky barbers shoes and he pressed himself against the wall, hoping they couldn't wouldn't look under the table.
"That's strange." Muriel murmured as she closed the door, "He was just here a moment ago. I wonder where he ran off to."
Courage's ears perked up and he sniffed, suddenly smelling an acrid and familiar smell.
"Why, Fred, I didn't know you smoked."
Again, Fred didn't answer. Courage heard liquid being poured presumably into a cup and heard the freaky barber exhale.
"Oh my, perhaps you can smoke outside Fred dear? The kitchen is going to smell like cigarettes-"
"I'm moving out."
Another exhale and the cigarette smoke smell grew stronger.
"I'm leaving tonight."
"Oh - but why?"
"The whole reason I came here in the first place was so I could apologize to Courage and make up for what I've done."
"For shaving him you mean?"
"Yes. And now that I can't, I have no reason to stay here anymore."
"But he has gotten over it, Fred dear. You two are friends now."
"No..."
Courage had to strain his ears to hear the freaky barber.
"He hates me."
"But- but I don't understand. You two were just playing in the attic."
Another pause.
"Why don't you sit down and I'll fix you a nice plate of pancakes and we can talk about this-"
"I'm not hungry."
"Frederick, I don't want you to smoke in here. Please put that out."
Courage placed his paws over his mouth, trying hard not to cough.
"Fred, I know you're upset about your mother, but you know you aren't allowed to smoke in this house-"
"I'm glad she's dead."
A silence followed this.
A sudden crackle of thunder made Courage jump and he stifled a yelp, clamping his paws over his mouth.
"You know," Fred laughed, "I used to hate Crane because of what he had done to me. But I don't hate him anymore. At least..."
His laughter sounded like a snarl.
"I don't hate him nearly as much as I hate her."
Muriel sighed.
"It would break her heart to hear that, Fred dear. It would break her heart to hear that you feel this way."
"Good."
Another long drag and then another exhale.
"I wish she never had me. I wish...I wish I died while I was inside her stomach."
From where he sat, Courage felt every muscle in Muriel's body seize up.
"It would've killed her, Fred dear." Muriel whispered, her voice gentle and soft, "If you died, it would have killed her. When your father died, you were the only part of your father she had left of him. If anything had happened to you, she would have lost both you and your father."
Fred let out a cackle.
"Got over him quick, did she? He must have not meant that much to her considering the amount of times I've seen her on her knees, satisfying Crane. Oh, did you not know about that, Aunt Muriel?"
His voice rose to a childish high pitch and he begun to pace around the kitchen.
"Do you want to know how many times I've seen them have sex? You want to know how many times I've walked into the kitchen to get myself a snack and found Mum under the table pleasing Crane..."
Courage expected Muriel to snap at him, to tell him to stop.
"Do you want to know how many times I've seen both of them naked? How many times Mummy and Crane would walk around the house with no clothes and no underwear on? I can't understand why she broke up with Crane in the first place. They were made for each other."
Fred let out another angry cackle.
"She called me naughty and she made me feel as though there was something wrong with me! She was the one who brought Crane into my life! She was the one who had sex in front of me-"
"Fred! Stop!"
Courage poked his head out from under the table, fearing the worse. Fred pulled away from her, grasping his wrist.
"Fred! Let me see your arm-"
"Get away from me!" Fred bellowed, his voice strangled.
"Fred, you can't hurt yourself like this! Let me see your arm-"
"It's my own body!" Fred's voice teetered on a sob, "It's my own body and I can do whatever I want to it!"
Courage shrank back under the table.
If the freaky barber had seen him, he had given no indication.
"Fred, I know you're angry at your mother because of what Crane did to you. But you can't burn yourself-"
Courage yelped as Fred struck the table and he clamped his paws over his mouth.
"I can do whatever I want to my own body and you can't stop me!"
It suddenly occurred to Courage that the thunder never stopped, it kept rumbling and rumbling, though quieter than before, the fact that it wasn't stopping made Courage nervous.
"I hate her! I've always hated her! Wherever she is-"
His words more foam than actual words.
"Wherever she ended up, I hope she's suffering."
"But she has suffered, Fred dear! She's suffered every single day because of what happened to you, Fred! She never forgave herself for what happened to you! She blamed herself for what happened to you right up until the day she died!"
"Good! I'm glad she suffered!"
The thunder grew louder, causing the chairs and the table to rattle.
"I want her to suffer for what she did to me!"
A crackle that sounded though the planet were being split open exploded around them.
Panicked, Courage poked his head out, forgetting about keeping himself hidden, but neither his owner or Fred paid attention nor seemed to be aware of the deafening thunder at all.
Fred's shoulders rose and fell with each gritted snarling breath. Muriel gazed at him, her hands clasped to her chest. Her eyes softened, welling up as she took a step towards him.
"Fred-"
She held out her arms, intending to pull the freaky barber into a hug.
"Come here, Fred-"
"No-"
He pulled away from her.
"Just leave me alone. I want to be alone-"
"Fred, please, let's just talk about this-"
The screen door rattled as the freaky barber slammed it shut.
"I wish I was never born
Between life and death, I am torn
All I see is Courage standing naked and shorn
And I think of what could have been."