Scarlet Justice - ep. 96
"Discovery"

Healing has never been an easy thing.

It is nearly the new year. About one and a half weeks have passed since the incident at the mansion. I can function...well enough, I suppose. There was a letter for me as soon as I made it home. I expected a reprimand for leaving the village so suddenly, but the old man has everything figured out. That much has been taken care of. He writes to tell me that Shino and Hina informed him of what was going on, and that he received communication from Midori later. Nobody in this village aside from him knows about what I did. I know that I should be the one to tell my comrades, and I will. When I'm ready.

I will also have to arrange for a meeting with the Hokage at my convenience. Maybe at the beginning of the next year. Hopefully that's enough time to shake off this mood I'm in. It's currently 3 am, and I have returned from the bathroom. I am going to make tea. Again.

Sleeping has been difficult. Nightmares and cold sweating. And all of the water I drink to keep myself occupied. I get up more than a few times each night and then end up doing silly things like making more beverages to drink. I've scrubbed the apartment walls, the floors, the counters. I have time. I'm on indefinite leave with pay at the Hokage's request. It's generous of him, even if I think it's not necessary. It's hard to read manga or play games. I lose concentration easily, or get focused on something far away. Right now, it's the kettle as it starts to shake on top of the stove, steam escaping from small openings slowly. I've been zoning out a lot lately. I haven't been answering the door. I take long showers even though I shouldn't, and end up staring at the drain for tens of minutes as water flows into it. It's wasteful of me.

I...am healing, though. Slowly.

This should be a time for sleep, but the nightmares are persistent. Things I don't like to think about too much. I start to make my tea and decide that I will drink it while staring at the front door a while. The taste of sugar makes me a bit happier, so I add an extra spoonful to my tea these days. I sit and observe. The sun comes up before I realize it, and only half the tea has been consumed. The rest is cold. I sigh and gulp it down before heading to the bathroom again. I suppose afterwards I should wash up properly, and then head outside for the first time in a while. The beginning of the new year is too far away. I should see him now.

"Yes...this is Kobayashi. 012599. I...would like to know if Lord Hokage has time for me today. He made a request to see me. Yes...please, take your time." I pull on my pants while I wait, and fix my hair in the mirror as best as I can. I don't have the energy to comb it properly today. Hopefully nobody will recognize me before I get to the office...Tamaki and Imari are running errands downtown, so I won't see them. That might be for the best.

"Yes, I'm still here. Yes. I can be there within the next ten minutes, if you want...okay. I understand. Thank you." I press the button to hang up and toss the phone onto my bed. Seems like it's now or never. I put up the hood on my sweater and start my exit through the window of my room. Afterwards I skip across the rooftops for a while before slowing down and walking the rest of the way to my destination. It's cold and a bit gloomy today. The clouds above us are large, puffy and dark. I feel the energy draining from my body as I walk...this is harder than I remembered. I might be done for if I have to stop and talk to anyone.

Fortunately, I make it inside and find the person I was talking to earlier. He escorts me to the Hokage's office space and knocks on the door before opening it.

"Lord Hokage, Captain Kobayashi is here to see you."

"Excellent. Any calls from here on have to be of the utmost urgency."

"Understood, sir. Shall I seal the outside?"

"Please."

The shinobi nods before leaving the room.

"Go ahead and lock the door, Lili."

"Yes." I do so and head for one of the chairs to take a seat. Walking here was truly an ordeal...I wonder if I'm actually getting better, or I've just convinced myself that it was the case. But the illusion of progress is a comfort in and of itself, in a way.

It's quiet, like it is at home. But in a different sort of way, since there are many different distractions. I can focus on the smell of pipe smoke, or ink. Stare at the wood grain patterns in the large desk in front of me. Press my fingers into the material of this chair.

"How have you been handling things?"

The old man's voice brings me back into this slightly unwelcome reality. Even if he won't say it, or even think it, I know that I shouldn't waste time here. It's precious and meaningful, not just because he's the Hokage. He is...a person I care for very much.

"..."

I realize now that I've never met my grandparents on either side of my family. Or any side, if you count the current ones. What a curious thing...or, the word might be tragic. That sounds a bit more fitting. Maybe Emi will change that.

"I am...coping."

"I see. That sounds like a positive."

"It is, surely. I can function, I just have a lot of trouble sleeping. The nightmares, and all of that. Remembering what it was that I did. I'm sure you know already. Ane-ue sent the cable."

"Yes."

"Sasuke is named after your father, isn't he?"

He chuckles. "That much is true, yes. What brought you to that conclusion?"

"Someone like him...he must have felt a lot of pressure because of his parentage. It's possible that they didn't mean to stress him out that way, but still...he seems like that kind of person. Someone burdened with lofty goals from such a young age. Great potential. All of that."

"Mm." He lights up his pipe.

"I...killed my own father, you know. I shot to kill. That's the heaviest, and most important part of it."

"A lot of things must have happened. If you have the strength...I would like to hear the story from you, Lili."

"Yes. That, I can easily do. I haven't stopped thinking about it, really." I start to speak about the events that took place. By now, I can speak fluidly without stumbling. I have gone through this in my head, over and over and over again. Some part of me says that it should have been harder, but this result is fine too. It's a significant part of my life, something that I should remember clearly. Even if I don't really want to at times.

"...and at that point, Ane-ue and Haha-ue found us."

"Hm, I see." He nods and leans back in his chair. "There are many things that I want to say to you about your performance, and how it will relate to this world's future. But...those can be discussed later on. The time we share now should be dedicated to helping you heal."

"I see. Thank you for that." I fold my hands in my lap. "Oyaji...you don't have anything to say about how it ended?"

"Even as an older man, I came across the same sorts of conflicts as you. But I failed to act with prudence...and as a result, it led to wide-spread chaos. The formation of the Hidden Sound, the Cursed Seals, the attack on the village...and going back further, the demise of the Uchiha, among other things. I...did not take action in the way that I should have."

"You are also a human being," I assure him. "There's nothing wrong with that."

"You must not take away from your own actions, Lili. You overcame yourself after a terrible experience, and used newfound strength to defeat a most dangerous enemy. You protected your loved ones. You did what you had to do, and it was the correct thing. I know that you feel guilt about your father's death. Confronting those who are family, or have become like family to you is something that I know all too well. I failed to stop Orochimaru once before because of those lingering feelings, despite knowing everything he had done. But you acted correctly."

"I...I could have chosen a different path, maybe. Isn't it possible?" I ask.

"Yes. But you are not a monster for that either. What you understood and held to was something that I should have done. Something that many people would struggle doing. In that moment, you were a soldier. And you did what you were supposed to do in that role." He lets out a breath. "Anyone who draws a weapon in the field of battle should expect to be treated as an enemy combatant. When your father made that choice, he sealed his own fate. Perhaps you could have disabled him. Perhaps you could have wounded him and stopped him there. But...you had that thought in your head."

I remember. Perhaps in my grief, I've...tried to discard the logic I used, instead of understanding it. I remember the understanding that I came to. That was the reason why I fired upon him in the way that I did.

"I remember thinking that...if I let him go, if I gave him another chance...he would bring down more tragedy and hatred upon me and my loved ones. He would stalk me everywhere I went. And with his wealth and connections, possibly harm the Leaf. I had pushed that away in my head, but...yes. I realize why I made that choice." I blink and shake my head slowly. "Really...it's the truth. He had to die there."

"There are consequences to our actions. Brothers and sisters, parents and children, lifelong friends...those who draw weapons to strike another down must be prepared to be struck down themselves. That is never all there is to it, but that simple fact must be understood and accepted."

"Yes. That much is true."

"But of course, that doesn't erase everything else. I don't, and will never think any less of you for what happened, Lili. None of this is your fault. You only did what you had to. You fought, you rose above despair, and you survived. You saved many lives and protected the family that you created. For that, you should be praised."

"..." I look into his eyes. "Oyaji. Is this...what you think a Hokage should be?"

He looks at me for a few moments before going to refill his pipe.

"Between us both...the strength that you have inside of you now is what the world needs to move forward. We have yet to leave the shadow of the shinobi world's beginning, that cursed age."

"A heart void of every feeling, including that of despair. Something that can confront the turbulence that has kept peace from truly blessing this land of ours." I smile, a little bitterly. "One more step towards a heavenly transformation, you think."

"Yes. I do not mean to make light of your tragedy in any way, Lili."

"Of course not. This is why you wanted to talk about it at a later time. I understand completely. But...you make a good point. The tragedy that you experienced...the ones that befell your old masters, Lord Hashirama and Lord Tobirama. Hanzo of the Salamander. And so on. And then the pure ones, like Lord Minato, are taken away too soon because of threats beyond their considerable power. It's something to focus on."

"In due time, of course."

"Yes," I say with a nod. "In due time."

"I want you to take as much time as you need to heal. Two months, at the least. I won't let you even consider returning before then, and I've given Shikaku instruction to that end."

"Yes, understood. I won't try to rush back. There are...things I want to do before then, anyways. Thank you for looking after me. You always do, but...this time it's certainly special. It's a blessing to me. I really do feel a lot better, now that we're talking about it."

"I am very glad that I could help you, Lili."

"I...wonder sometimes. About the past, and the future that could have been. Dreams and stray thoughts. Questioning myself about how it all came to an end. Shooting to kill..." I rub my cheek. "But this new perspective is...fresh. And reassuring on many levels. I made a promise to Hina the other day that if I did leave my humanity behind, I wouldn't come back for it. That, though...it was just a temporary seal. A technique that I've already internalized."

"Already, then?"

"It even has a name by now. Imagine that, even in these troubled times...I find a way to lean into those chunni inclinations of mine. The new version of the tracking technique I use...it will be bound to that, so that I can properly control the activation. The name is something I gave thought to. A state of emptiness. Becoming...not ruthless, but more focused than I could dream of normally. Emptied of emotion for a while, free from feeling grief and despair, and therefore capable of acting in my best interests. A terrifying technique that will be called Crimson Depths: Void Heart."

"Hoh...terrifying, indeed. You are as creative as always."

"Like I said, I can't escape being silly when it comes to things like this. But as with everything else, I can refine it even further."

"Nothing you'll worry about too much right now, I hope."

"No, of course not. I'll focus on my recovery for now."

"Good, good."

"I have more of an idea how I want to move forward now." I rest my head on a closed fist. "I originally wanted to delay this meeting until the new year. I thought I was going to have a complete mental breakdown if I came to see you, but...that reassurance that I did the right thing in the end. It helped me more than I ever thought it would. It has been said that things happen for their own reasons, and that the will of heaven is not so easily discerned by man. Unsavoury to hear, maybe. Very hard to accept in the face of tragedy...but truthful all the same."

"The memories of your father...how do you feel towards him?"

"I...remember that I made that loud declaration, while in that protective state. That I had no father. It might be more of the truth than I realize. Mama and I solidified our bond after that event..."

"You mean to say...Miss Emi?"

"Yes. That's what I call her now, when we're together. Her child is safe, too. We're entirely too much alike, you know. Perhaps she's absorbed some of my late mother's spirit? It sounds like something Caroline Rothschild would do, place pieces of her essence into my loved ones so that she could properly watch over me. But Lilith Rothschild died along with her father on that day. My name is Lili Kobayashi, the proud daughter of the Kobayashi House."

Hiruzen nods. "You will be just fine, Lili. I know it will be the case. But I will continue to pray for your safety regardless."

"Petitions of heaven never hurt," I say. "I have a ways to go, and many responsibilities to take care of. Mm...Fubuki-senpai was right after all. Uncanny how she could sense such things after a single meeting."

"It is said that those who meet in battle can discern each other's feelings. Those who come together in combat can even speak without words."

"Ah. It was something like that, for a moment...or perhaps it manifests differently for everyone. She came to that realization...about the heavenly plane." I sigh. "Is it okay if...we simply talk for a while?"

"Yes. As long as you would like, Lili."

"I'm going to feel guilty since you're the Hokage and all...but I will take you up on that offer, without hesitation."

"Excellent." Hiruzen gets up from his chair. "We can have some tea in the meantime, then. I'll make us a fresh pot."

I spend a few more hours with the old man. We talk about a lot of things. Old missions that I've been on, people we both know...the state of the world at current. I learn a bit about his past, and his interactions with the Senju brothers of legend. His old students who went on to become the legendary Sannin. And of course, the Fourth Hokage...Naruto's father. Thinking of him, how would he take it? Knowing that I've erased one of my parents. The Hokage has years of experience and those regrets to learn from, but Naruto...he's someone who cried over the death of an enemy he never truly knew. I feel my stomach wobbling just thinking about it. But I will tell him. He had the courage to show himself to me, so...it's only right that as his beloved friend, I do the same.

I trudge home, avoiding as many open places as I can. I'm exhausted, but finally comfortable for the first time in a long while. Dinner is light - I've used the newly bought rice cooker tonight. It's a definite godsend. And then, I fall asleep early on the couch.

It feels...like I'm at home, finally.

For their parts, everyone has stayed away at the Hokage's request. They get their updates to say that I'm fine, as I call the office every day and speak to Tamaki. She worries a lot. Keeps me on the phone for at least two hours at a time. I quickly learn my lesson and get comfortable with a cup of tea and a blanket on the couch while she speaks.

Tonight is the last night of the year. Christmas has passed quietly, and it's a shame. I was looking forward to a celebration with my friends and family this year. I had to decline the invitations from Kurenai, Hina, and Nami, but sent a video message to them. It's probably been shared with the others by now, and I hope they enjoy it as a small gift.

There's a knock on the door, but one that I was expecting. I got a surprise request earlier in the week.

"Season's greetings."

"A pleasant evening to you as well, Erika."

She had, in her own quiet way, insisted that we go out together tonight. Knowing that I needed the company, and that I couldn't resist such a cute companion, I agreed to have her come over and escort me to our meeting place. Today she wears a sweater and light jacket, paired with a wool skirt and fluffy boots.

"Some tea? I'll be a while getting dressed," I say.

"Thank you."

"Any preferences?"

"None."

"I have some warmed, then. Anything to eat?"

"Nothing. Thank you."

I nod and pour her a cup of tea, then set it down as she takes off her boots and sits at the table.

"I shouldn't be too long. If anything, I will be in the shower."

"Understood. We still have much in the way of time."

It's about half past eight by the time I finish washing up. We've planned to take our time getting to Kigiku Shrine, the place where Ruki works. I'm not feeling up to anything special in terms of appearances. Most people won't be paying attention and Erika won't mind. I suppose I can just cheat again. About ten more minutes pass before I touch up my face and apply a layer of lip gloss. I weave my hair into a loose braid and let it sit on my shoulder before leaving. There's a pair of leather boots that I never wear and they have low heels. I can deal with those today.

"I'm ready."

"..." Erika turns in her chair to look at me, tilting her head to one side. "Very minimalist today."

"I see you've developed a sharp tongue while I've been away."

"Perhaps so."

"I can't say I mind it too much. And you're correct, either way. This isn't my normal." I lift my braid a bit to properly throw on my scarf. Today's outfit is simple and lazy, as already noted. A long red cotton sweater, black leggings, and the newly worn boots from earlier. "You can tell me if it looks entirely too sloppy, and I'll change before we leave."

"It is not a problem."

"Don't lie to me."

"I promise that it's the truth."

"..." I sigh. "As long as you're sure. Have you finished your tea?"

"Yes."

"Leave the cup in the sink and splash a bit of water into the bottom, will you? I can take care of the rest when we get back. We should hurry before things get too crowded up there."

Erika does as asked, drying her hands before slipping on her gloves and joining me at the front door. After putting on her boots again, she steps outside with me as I lock the door and make sure everything is secure. We descend the flight of metal stairs and head out into the village proper. Tonight is lively, as expected. Families and lovers roam the streets, taking the bright lights and festive sights in. Warm food and drink are being sold by street vendors. People are gathering in parks and restaurants.

"It's nice to see," Erika says as we walk. "I sometimes forget that these moments of peace are fleeting and fragile. Perhaps one day that can change."

"It will change. We will see to it once we grow as women," I say to her.

"I see. I look forward to that day, then."

"I would have thought that you would be at home, perhaps on the phone with your mother and sister."

"We spoke before I made my way to you. I trust that they will be awake when I call again after the new year begins. This is fine, we each had our own events to attend."

"Thank you for accommodating me, either way."

"You're welcome. I do object to your avoidance of your comrades on Team Eight."

"As you should," I say with a grimace. "I'm an awful person. I just...couldn't handle seeing them right now. The old man gave me comfort and clarity, but I still feel like garbage. Like I can't face them as I am now."

"You are not awful or garbage," she says, frowning. "You are a hero of the Leaf, and a very kind and loving person. I become very distressed when you put yourself down like that."

"Sorry."

"It's alright. You are still processing that pain," Erika says. We reach the main gate and show our IDs to the people standing guard. They check them against a scroll embedded with some sort of technique - a suggestion that came from Tamaki and Imari, apparently - and nod before letting us go. This is still an experimental system, but it seems to be working well for the time being.

"Yes...but how much time should pass before enough is enough?"

"Where I am concerned, that time is indefinite."

I laugh lightly. "You have a way of making romantic things sound incredibly tidy, you know."

"At the least, I have provided you with some amusement for the day," she says with a smile. I didn't think Erika could get any cuter, but...it's far from a complaint on my end, surely. I really am blessed with wonderful companions.

"Thank you for that. I feel guilty, about Hina especially."

"There is something that I have for you. Lady Hinata asked that I allow you access once the year ended and a new one began."

"I see. I'll be looking forward to that."

We continue our walk down the forest path, which quite wide and has been beaten by the feet of many common travellers over the years. Perhaps even decades of use, thinking about it. This road leads up to a small village, called Ebicha for the fallen red-brown leaves that cover it from autumn to late winter. It's centrepiece is a certain shrine, called the Kigiku Shrine. We head straight for it and pass under the torii, ascending the stone stairs and going down the long path towards the worship hall. On one side is the temizuya used for purification. Erika and I slip off our gloves and go through the motions at the water basin. Pick up the water ladle. Left hand, right hand, mouth. The handle of the water ladle we use. A symbolic purification before we continue our approach. There is already a crowd of people milling about. I don't think there's anyone I know around, which is good.

"Looks like you've made it."

"We have. Thank you for your invitation," Erika says to the person approaching.

"It's always been my pleasure. Lili, are you well?"

"As well as I could be," I say to Ruki. She looks as lovely as ever, wearing the traditional priestess' clothing for her work. A pure white blouse paired with red hakama, and a thick red ribbon on the back of her head.

"I see. Kakashi did mention that you had gone through something serious a few weeks ago. I hope that this can be a time of healing for you as the new year comes. By the by, he's around here somewhere. Oh, and I got you these." Ruki hands us several wooden ema to write our prayers on. "You can call it a late Christmas gift if you want. They're on the house all the same."

"Thank you. I'll be sure to write something of substance on it."

"I know you will. The money goes back into the village coffers, so...while we'd rather not sell them, they're a decent source of revenue, especially around the holidays like this. The world and its old ways are changing, sometimes in strange ways. You never know what to make of it...ah, but I'm rambling on. Follow me, there's a spot where you can write your prayers down properly and then hang 'em up."

We trail behind Ruki, looking around at the trees, the many buildings in the distance, and the stone lanterns that line our path, glowing with pale light. I wish there were less people, but this isn't too bad. It's somewhat calming. As for what I will wish for...what my prayer might be...

The queue for the small table moves along at a good pace. There is a small sort of box, a private space that shields the writer from prying eyes while others wait. Erika goes ahead of me, and finishes quickly. I feel like I know what she might ask for, and hopefully she gets it in short order.

In my case, there's a lot to ask for. There's a lot that I want...but there are few things that I truly need to ask the kami for. One favour is enough.

Erika and I stand near the lion dogs that guard the shrine, in front of the haiden that is placed in front of the shrine's main sanctuary where the kami are said to reside. We both bow our heads and pray. Then we clap our hands, once, twice, three times before raising our heads and leaving.

"The new year should be fruitful for us in the Leaf."

"You think so?" I ask Erika.

"My analysis of recent events has brought me to this conclusion. Lili...please remember your strength. Not because people are counting on you, but for the reason that you are meant for more than this. The world is changing, and it is someone like you who will be able to make it turn in a way that blesses all of us."

"I see."

"One day, you will shake the heavens with a roar so loud that it cannot be escaped. From there, you will know what needs to be done."

"..."

My wish was a simple one. Strength, and good luck...love, and prosperity...simple things that could have been requested. But those things can and will be gathered under my own power. I asked the kami for vision. Not for me, but for my loved ones. Many people run into obstacles, and can't see past them for one reason or another. But if they have the sight, they can gain the proper wisdom, and make decisions for themselves. I make this prayer not so that I can abandon them, but rather...so that when the time comes, and they make the choice to walk beside me, I know it will be because of what they feel in their hearts.

Making those hard decisions for themselves, in the way that I did. But without that terrible trauma. Gaining the strength that I did, without having to sacrifice the last remnants of their memories. Finding the truth, without having to kill the person you used to be in a fit of anger. I want more for them than I received in this life.

"You're right, Erika. Thank you for being at my side. I really do appreciate it."

"I never had to worry about that much. Please continue growing in mind and body. I look forward to serving you properly in the future...Lady Hokage."

"You just had to ruin the moment." I stare at the ground, trying to hide my blushing. "I appreciate your praise of me, but...don't get ahead of yourself. Someone like me might never become popular enough to be Hokage."

"I suppose we will see soon enough." She nods ahead of us. "Miss Enjou and Major Hatake have arrived."

"Now that you're done with your prayers, it's time to enjoy a nice hot cup of cider or three before the year is over," Ruki says with a smile. Kakashi trails behind her and gives us a friendly wave.

"Thank you again for this," I say.

"Not a problem. You know, I have a feeling that quite a few wishes will be granted this year."

"What brought you to that conclusion?"

"Mm...something about the change in atmosphere. The kami do have a habit of showing out whenever someone particularly influential arrives."

"She's talking about you," Kakashi says. Ruki frowns and huffs at him.

"Seriously! Ruining the suspense like that!"

"Then it was a good thing I came around. Helping others is always good, and it costs nothing to do."

"You were blushing earlier. Was Erika teasing you?"

"I bet she's flustered because of that one word..."

"You really are a pain in the ass, Sharingan Kakashi."

"Heh. Who knew that calling you 'Lady Hokage' would make you retreat into your shell so quickly."

"I am going to hurt Asuma badly one of these days," I mutter. Aside from the bullying...the cider is really good.

The year comes to an end in a way that feels different from when it first began, for many reasons. I look to the sky and watch the fireworks bursting apart, a cup of hot cider in my hands.

Things will continue to change...for the good of us all, this time.

"A blessed and prosperous new year to all."

I smile and give Erika a nod. "Yes. To a wonderful new year."

We tap our cups together, and watch the sky fill with colours once more.