After his conversation with Alanna, Lan tries to remember if Moiraine has been happy while being bonded to him.


to LynnSedai: Season 3 can't come soon enough. I need more scenes with Moiraine and Lan. And it's wonderful to hear how much you enjoy my chapters. Thank you for reading and leaving a review 3


Quote: "I wish you could've known Moiraine before." (Alanna)


Lan was glad Alanna hadn't insisted on staying with him. Her words had shocked him, and he needed a moment to himself – away from Alanna's family and her Warders.

Moiraine had been different before she met him? Different how? What had happened to her, and why didn't he know about it?

Was she happier, then?

I don't know. I don't know if she's ever been happy.

Happy. Moiraine had been happy. Yes, she had dedicated her life to finding the Dragon Reborn, and most of the time, there was nothing else on her mind than him. But the Cairhien woman had been happy in the last twenty years. Whenever Lan had brought her a cup of her favorite tea, when she had found a good book, or when they had taken a hot bath.

For twenty years, Moiraine's feelings had been a part of Lan's life. He would know when she had never been happy before, and he refused to believe that it had been a lie.

For years, the Malkieri had believed Moiraine had been happy around him. Their travels had not been entirely stressful, and they found pleasure and comfort in each other's company – after getting used to the bond and its side effects. Or at least, that's how Lan had felt. Apparently, the feeling hadn't been mutual.

But there was one person the uncrowned king of Malkier knew, who made the Cairhien woman happy like no one else in the world. A person who brought love, laughter, happiness, and joy into Moiraine's life. And that person was Siuan Sanche, the Amyrlin Seat.

The woman of Tear knew his bondholder since their Novice days, and they had been inseparable before they heard that the Dragon had been reborn again. Moiraine had always been filled with love after each secret nightly visit with Siuan, and it had warmed Lan's heart whenever he saw a big smile on her face and the gleam in her eyes. The Cairhien woman didn't have many people she let into her heart – and Lan knew that – but Siuan had always been there for her. He remembered very well the night when their secret meetings had started.


Tiredly, the Malkieri lay on Moiraine's bed, waiting for his Aes Sedai to return. After months on the road, they had returned to Tar Valon for the official announcement that Siuan would be the new Amyrlin Seat. While Lan had been training with the other Warders, the Aes Sedai had prepared everything for the ceremony.

Moiraine had been terribly nervous for days. She hadn't been able to see Siuan or talk to her, and the woman of Tear hadn't reached out for her either. Lan had tried to distract her, but he couldn't take her fear.

Surprisingly, the woman of the Blue Ajah had decided to stay in Tar Valon – although they had received news about other babies they needed to check on – desperately hoping to get at least one chance to talk to her lover.

And then, one night, a gift had hung on the wall in Moiraine's bedroom. A golden frame with a small door to open it. The picture showed a woman, standing in a doorframe. The Cairhien woman's eyes had lit up in excitement while Lan didn't understand what excited her that much.

Moiraine had explained to him that it was a way to meet someone at a secret place if both people knew where to go. She and Siuan had often talked about it, but using such a thing had never been necessary.

Everything had changed now with Siuan becoming the Amyrlin Seat. The daughter of a fisherman was now highly guarded and could barely take a step without anyone following her.

Lan admitted he hadn't understood what Moiraine was telling him. She told him she would disappear from that room with the help of the One Power, but didn't believe her one word. How could someone disappear like that?

And then, she had informed him about masking the bond. The Malkieri remembered being furious with her for even thinking about it. She would disappear from her bedroom while he couldn't feel her?! How was he supposed to know when she was in danger?! – When she was in need of his help?!

Of course, he couldn't change her mind. She masked the bond anyway, no matter how loud he cursed. And it didn't help that she assured him she would be fine a thousand times and he didn't have to worry.

Helplessly, the Warder had stood in the middle of the room, feeling how his Aes Sedai used Saidar to open a passage. Nothing changed in Lan's eyes, but he knew his bondholder long enough to know something was there.

When she had let go of the One Power, she faced him one last time – smiling reassuringly. She had told him to go to sleep and that she would return in the morning. And then, Moiraine had walked toward the wall and disappeared.

Fear had grabbed the Warder's heart when he saw his Aes Sedai disappearing into thin air. Shocked, he hadn't been able to resist walking to the wall and checking it for a secret passage he might have missed.

There wasn't one. The wall was as solid as it looked, and wherever Moiraine had gone, it was a place where her Warder couldn't follow.

The uncrowned king of Malkier had needed half an hour of walking up and down in front of the wall until he accepted that the Aes Sedai was gone and he couldn't bring her back. Then he had sat in one of her chairs for another half hour, staring at the stones like they would spit out his bonded woman.

Finally, he had given up, though he couldn't make himself leave the bedroom. Instead, he had lied down on her bed – hoping to find some sleep while she was gone – but his brain was continuously running and worrying. Sleep simply didn't come to him.


The sky was still dark outside when a movement caught Lan's eyes. The air around the golden frame shimmered, and then Moiraine appeared exactly where she had disappeared all those hours ago.

It took the uncrowned king of Malkier every ounce of strength not to jump out of bed to wrap her in his arms. He was pissed and had sworn himself not to act foolish.

"You're still here," the Cairhien woman stated, surprised yet with a big smile on her face.

"You're glowing." Well, he might have his body under control, but definitely not his voice. His anger was clearly audible.

Moiraine's smile grew. Light, was that even possible?! She looked like she would explode any second out of happiness. The Aes Sedai took off her shoes and climbed on her bed, lying down beside her Warder and using her arms as a pillow. "I had a wonderful night. Siuan and I finally talked in private, and it was gorgeous."

Light, she sounded so happy! Lan embraced Ko'di to control his emotions. He shouldn't ruin that night for her. Instead, he kept his eyes on the ceiling.

"She always talked about that little hut by the river, but I never thought she would actually buy it. Everything is so peaceful there. It's like a totally different world."

Lan did his best to listen to her without pulling a face. Everything went well. Moiraine was back. She had a wonderful night with her lover. He should be happy for her.

"Did you sleep at all?"

The Malkieri sat upright, still not looking at her. He didn't trust his emotions. "If you unmask the bond, I could go back to my room to get a few hours of sleep before I have to get up for training." He almost bit his tongue when he heard the bite in his voice.

His bondholder turned quiet, but Lan didn't dare to turn around. He didn't want her to see his anger. "The Warders seem to take their training serious, and I don't want them to think of me as weak because I didn't go through the proper training. And a sleepless night-"

"Does this mean that you will stay if I don't unmask the bond?"

Angrily, the Warder faced his Aes Sedai. She hadn't moved, though her smile had faded and her eyes watched him observantly. "Unmask the bond," he growled. "You're not with her anymore. There is no need to keep it masked, and I want to go to bed. So, unmask it. Now!"

Slowly, Moiraine sat upright, then moved away from him, creating more space on the bed. During all that, her calm eyes never left him. Was she scared of him? Had he overstepped a line?

Finally, the woman of the Blue Ajah motioned for the Malkieri to come closer. "Come here."

"I would really like to return to my room. Warders may not need sleep, but-"

"That's an order, Gaidin." Although it was an order, her voice stayed soft.

Sighing, Lan took off his boots and crawled closer to her. What had she planned? He watched how his Aes Sedai placed her head on the pillow, then patted the place beside her.

"Lie down."

"Moiraine-"

"Do it."

A heavy sigh crossed his lips, but he obeyed ultimately. She was still his bonded Aes Sedai and he had sworn to obey her. Anxiously, he lay down on his back, staring at the ceiling again. What was Moiraine's plan?

Suddenly, the Cairhien woman rearranged her position, moving closer until her body was pressed against his arm, her head placed on his shoulder, and one hand lay on his chest.

"I didn't mean to worry you," she whispered. "I hoped you would get some sleep, knowing I'm safe with Siuan."

Finally, Lan turned his head and pressed his lips against her forehead. It calmed him to feel her body. "I hate not feeling you. It makes me sick, and I can't stop worrying what might happen to you."

The uncrowned king of Malkier gasped when the Cairhien woman opened the bond and her presence flowed back to him. She was back!

Lan could feel her happiness but also guilt. His Aes Sedai felt guilty for leaving him behind with his worries while she had a wonderful night with her lover. It was up to Lan now to feel guilty. She was only feeling that because of his anger.

"Forgive me my reaction. I didn't mean to ruin your night."

Moiraine shook her head. "I should apologize for not thinking about what I'm doing to you. I was so focused on seeing Siuan again, that I didn't acknowledge your feelings."

The Malkieri couldn't hold himself back any longer. He rolled on his side, wrapping his arms around the Cairhien woman and pulling her close against his chest. "Please, don't do that to yourself. You waited such a long time to see Siuan again. I should have more trust in what you do."

"You don't know what a Ter'angreal is. Of course, you worry. I should've explained it more thoroughly to you before disappearing."

"I promise I won't worry that much the next time you use it."

Moiraine laughed, and the sound warmed every cell in Lan's body. He loved that sound. "I don't think I will have the chance to use it again soon. Siuan thinks it's best to continue with the mission. Now that she is the Amyrlin Seat, she won't have much time for me, and we already stayed longer in Tar Valon than planned."

"Surely, one more night won't hurt."

"You clearly haven't attended an Aes Sedai meeting before."

"Do you want me to jump in for you tomorrow?"

The Aes Sedai burst out in laughter. "I would love to see that," she giggled. "I wonder how long it would take before my sisters throw you out. Sheriam would clearly not be amused by your silence and your cold stare. And if Liandrin is part of the meeting…." Another wave of laughter shook Moiraine, and she buried her face in Lan's tunic.

Smiling, the Malkieri buried his nose in his bondholder's locks. He was glad he could dispel her guilt. She shouldn't feel guilty for being happy. "It would be a very short meeting, wouldn't it?"

"Probably the shortest in the history of meetings."

Lan enjoyed Moiraine's good mood while holding her. Slowly, her laughter died, but her happiness stayed. She was feeling better now. But with her laughter dying, Lan also noticed she quickly became tired. He didn't believe she had gotten much sleep while she was with Siuan.

"You should get some sleep. I will go now."

But when he rolled on his back – loosened his grip on her – she grumbled and gripped his tunic. "Don't go," she mumbled while following him so she wouldn't lose contact.

"I've been in your room all night. What will your sisters think?"

"Do you truly believe that a few hours will look less suspicious?" Moiraine raised her eyebrow at him questioningly.

Lan thought about her words. Blood and ashes! Why did that woman had to be right all the time?! Whoever had noticed him entering her bedroom and paid attention to him not coming out all night, already believed they were bedding each other. Light burned him! Why hadn't he thought about that?!

Groaning, he rubbed his hand over his eyes. "I'm sorry. I didn't think how it would look to your sisters and the Warders when I stay all night."

"Don't apologize." The Cairhien woman moved her tired body until she placed herself on top of him with her head on his chest and her arm wrapped around his waist. "Now even the last one will believe that I'm over Siuan. No one will think about her and me plotting behind their back."

Sighing, Lan rubbed his hand over Moiraine's back. How was she able to have a conversation with him? – Let alone stay awake? "You need to sleep."

"Hmm," Moiraine agreed without moving.

"I assume you don't plan to move?"

"Hmm." This time, her hum was clearly a denial.

"How about moving under the blanket?"

No answer, and the Malkieri realized he wouldn't get one. The Aes Sedai had lost her fight against sleep. Awkwardly, he pulled at the right side of the blanket, pulling it toward them, then did the same thing with the left side. It wasn't as good as lying under the blanket, but at least, his Aes Sedai was covered somehow. His body warmth would do the rest to keep her warm.

"Goodnight, Moiraine," he whispered, pressing a soft kiss on her hair.


The uncrowned king of Malkier took a deep breath, and for a moment, he thought he smelled his bondholder. It was almost like she stood beside him, and for as long as he kept his eyes closed, he could imagine her there.

The wind played softly with her long, dark locks. Lan imagined himself grabbing a strand and admiring how it wrapped around his fingers. Touching her hair always calmed him.

Moiraine knew how much he loved it. She always smiled when she noticed him playing with her hair, yet she never told him to stop.

The woman of the Blue Ajah faced him, and her blue eyes sparkled in amusement. Lan had stopped counting how many times he lost himself within those eyes.

His fingers stroked tenderly over the soft skin of her face until he cupped her cheek. His heart was overwhelmed with love when Moiraine leaned into his touch, and he pulled her closer until he could rest his forehead against hers.

That stubborn, beautiful, and wonderful woman was his soulmate. She belonged to him.

We've never been equals.

The uncrowned king of Malkier hissed when Moiraine's words echoed in his ears. A cold wind made him shiver, and the Moiraine version before him stepped away from him. Her warm, beautiful eyes had turned cold as ice.

I'm still your Warder.

No, you failed me.

She had stabbed him multiple times, and his heart was still bleeding. Had it all been a lie? Had she never cared for him? Lan had thought only the Red Ajah thought of Warders as people below them – simple lapdogs or errand boys.

But Moiraine… she had never acted like the Reds. Whenever he had gotten injured, she had healed him and ensured he was all right. She had listened to his opinion and discussed her plans with him – until Fal Dara. What had happened that she suddenly stopped including him…?

Groaning, Lan closed his eyes. Nynaeve. He had allowed Nynaeve to get close to him. Worse even, he had bedded her instead of being with Moiraine.

But she pushed me into her direction. Why should she push me toward Nynaeve if she doesn't want me to? Even in Tifan's Well she told me to leave.

Was it because he had followed his heart? Should he have stayed with his bondholder, although she had sent him away?

Angrily, Lan shook his head. It made no sense. Moiraine had left him in Fal Dara and masked their bond to save his life. He had been sure of that. And there had been countless situations where he had seen the worry in her eyes whenever he had been in danger.

We've never been equals.

But an Aes Sedai couldn't lie! If she never considered him an equal, she never must have cared about him!

Frustrated, Lan sank to his knees. His head felt like it would explode any second. What was true and what was a lie? Could he trust his feelings any longer? Could he trust Moiraine? When would that nightmare end?!