Part 2:
The Musk Mystery…Revealed
Back at the Tendo Dojo, Ranko had engulfed herself right into a tub full of hot water…and found that she was still—well, a she.
"I don't believe this!" she exclaimed. "How come I'm not changing back?"
"Whatever it is, it must be a whole lot stronger than my magic," commented Jinn.
"Wait! It must've had something to do with the water I was splashed with!" exclaimed Ranma.
"Indeed it did, lad," said Cologne as she came inside. "That was water from the Pail of Preservation you were splashed with."
"...what exactly is this Pail of Preservation?" Kenma inquired.
Cologne's eyes narrowed. "It is the secret treasure of the Musk Dynasty…" she explained. "Water drawn by the pail's Ladle of Locking becomes mystic water that traps the forms of those cursed at Jusenkyo. It is said that they used this on the wild animals they changed into women in order to keep them that way forever."
"...wait, what?" asked Kenma, doing a double-take. "What do you mean?"
"Well, you see, it's said that they were once men of a martial arts clan who strove to perfect the art of form mimicry," explained Cologne.
"Huh?" Akane mused.
"When fighting, you make the shape of the animal or their motion," Shampoo explained.
"The band secluded themselves in the mountains to devote themselves to training, and after exhaustive study of the strengths and characteristics of beasts…they attempted to become one with the animals!" Cologne continued.
"How'd they do that?" asked Shampoo, bewildered.
"They captured wild animals with their bare hands, threw them into the Jusenkyo Nanniichuan to give them the forms of women…" said Cologne. "...and married them!"
Everyone was silent for a moment.
"...are you saying these guys were having sex with animals?" Kenma asked, his eyes shrouded in shadow.
"Basically, yes," Cologne responded.
Kenma gave a firm nod. "I see," he replied, before covering his mouth.
After another three minutes, he erupted into a fit of helpless laughter.
"What the HELL is with these guys?!" Kenma exclaimed amidst his laughter. "So desperate for power…that they would commit bestiality?!"
"I don't see what's so funny, Ken," stated Ranko. "For one, I CAN'T TURN BACK INTO A GUY!"
"Then it's a good thing the laughter wasn't focused on you, now isn't it?" Kenma responded calmly.
"Eh, I guess you're right..." the redheaded girl said with a shrug. "Still, I wanna find that jerk as soon as possible so I can be cured."
"Well, if you want to reclaim the treasure and your male form…you will have to fight Herb again eventually," Cologne informed her. "You see, there is another out there: the Kettle of Liberation. It is said that when boiling water is poured from it, the effects of the Pail are negated."
"So where could it be?" asked Nodoka.
"During wars throughout China's history, the kettle has changed hands many times until it ended up here in Japan," replied the elderly Joketsuzoku matriarch. "It was the quest for that last treasure that brought Herb and his subordinates here today."
At that point, Ryoga regained consciousness. "What the—when the—how the—?!" he exclaimed, looking around in confusion. "How did I get here?"
"And at last, the sleeper awakens," murmured Nabiki.
"For that matter, I heard most of everything," grunted Ryoga. "And this whole sorry mess is YOUR fault, Ranma!"
"How?" Kenma retorted. "How is it Ranma's fault when your dumb ass attacked an unknown threat who was leaving?"
"He kidnapped Akane!" spat Ryoga.
"No, idiot!" snapped Ranko. "He ordered his troops to leave her and their 'souvenirs' behind. You attacked him for no damn reason!"
"Besides, she's right there," Kasumi added, gesturing to her youngest sister standing nearby.
"Ut!" Ryoga exclaimed as he saw the girl nearby.
"Personally, I'd consider your chances of winning against Herb, brother-of-son-in-law," explained Cologne. "At the moment, they don't look so good."
Kenma winced. "Yeah, it's hard to forget what happened," he replied, remembering the beatdown that Herb delivered.
"What the hell did he hit me with, anyway? It was so fast that I could barely see it..." Ranko said as she rubbed her temples.
"That, I don't know, but you'll have to watch out for it next time." the amazon elder advised.
"Yeah, sure. Now let's get going!" Ranko said eagerly as she stood up and headed towards the front door.
"Whoa, you're just going to go off in search of Herb?" asked Akane. "No preparation or anything?"
"There's no time for that! I gotta get going!" insisted Ranko.
"So what, you're gonna go off and challenge him again?" Kenma asked. "What if he decides to kill you this time?"
"If that's what it takes to become a man again, so be it!" declared Ranko.
"Gonna be tough to enjoy it if you're a DEAD man!" Kenma shot back.
Ranko hesitated before she replied. "Look, I can't just let Herb win like that!"
"And? Who said anything about letting him win?" asked Kenma. "Nobody. Who said you had to do this yourself? Let's see…nobody again! Two for two. I just want you to think—what has rushing into things gotten you other than a bundle of trouble, huh?"
The older Saotome sister angrily growled before sighing. "Oh, you're right!" she relented.
"Then it's a good thing you're not going alone, isn't it?" asked a voice from outside, prompting everyone to turn their heads in that direction.
Standing in the doorway was Mousse, polishing his glasses.
"Mousse?!" Ranko exclaimed.
"I overheard everything after I came back," explained Mousse. "And I guess I could come with you two on your little mission."
"As will I," Ryoga added, stepping forward. "After all, this mission is far too dangerous for a girl alone."
"Kinda felt insulting to say that," Ranko stated flatly at that jab.
"Well, aren't we mister selfless all of a sudden," Kenma remarked dryly. "...what's the catch, then?"
"Simple. If what Granny says is true, then I might just have a shot at…curing what ails me." The lost boy chose his words very carefully as Akane was still in the room.
"What ails you, Ryoga?" Ranko said, getting back at Ryoga for what he said. "What's the matter? Piggy got your tongue?"
Ryoga's eye twitched at that, holding back his anger to make sure Akane didn't know about his curse if he lashed out.
"Yeah, you don't have a curse, so what reason would you have for taking part?" Kenma inquired with a smirk.
"Just drop it! Unless you wanna make something of it!" Ryoga said angrily.
"Little late for that," said Kenma. "Something's been made of it! So…what. Is. your. Reason. For. Coming. On. This. Trip?" he asked, emphasizing each word.
Mousse cleared his throat to get everyone's attention. "Before we get going, it'd be best to stock up on supplies."
"I suppose you have a point, Mousse," shrugged Kenma. "Let's get packing." As the bespectacled boy left, Kenma turned to Ryoga and mouthed out "To be continued".
The lost boy nervously gulped, knowing that Kenma did not intend to keep his secret. If anything, he'd be looking for opportunities to expose him every chance he got!
….all the more reason he would need to be dealt with. But it was a matter of deciding when.
Oh, and also how! He'd probably need to get him alone…and take him by surprise. Or maybe poison him somehow.
Alas…decisions, decisions.
It IS rather curious, though… Cologne pondered. After hundreds of years neglecting the Kettle of Liberation, why do they want it now?
Later on, Ranma and co. had finished packing and were about to set off on their journey.
Kenma checked his side pockets. "...4, 5, 6!" he finished. "Yep, got my Pokéballs and the 'Dex with me!"
Tomo mewed as he rubbed against Kenma's leg. "And you too, buddy," Kenma chuckled.
"Alright, people! Let's get this show on the road!" Ranko urged.
"Right! We got a lotta road to put behind us," Kenma chimed in. "Anything we forgot?"
"Let's see, we have money, water canteens, a compass, food and spare clothes." Mousse said as he looked through his backpack.
"Alright, so who's keeping an eye on it?" asked Kenma. "No offense, Mousse, but…your eyesight is kinda crap."
"Cut me a break, Kenma! I've been saving my money for Lasik," insisted Mousse.
"I see you took my suggestion, then," commented Ranko. "OK, so how are we getting there?"
"By train, apparently," Kenma said. "I've never been on one of those, thanks to his highness Lord Cheapass McStingy the First."
"Hey! I resent that remark!" Genma shouted from inside.
"Man, I hope you did!" Kenma shouted back.
"More like, you represent that remark," Ranko muttered as she high-fived her brother.
"Ranma…even if you don't succeed…" Nodoka said. "...I'll still consider you my child."
"Granted, we'll have to marry you off, because the day a woman takes charge of the Saotome school is the day I eat a fat grub—" Genma began, before…
DOKKUN~!
Nodoka swiftly removed a boxing glove with a horseshoe inside as Genma faceplanted on the floor. "Like I said, I'll always consider you my child, testicles or breasticles," she said.
"Uh, thanks, Mom…" Ranko responded.
"Anyways, we'd better get going, okay?" asked Mousse. "The train's leaving in 10 minutes."
"I'm way ahead of all of you." said Ryoga as he walked out the door.
"Alright, first rule, nobody follow Ryoga," explained Kenma. "His dumb ass will probably lead us into a ravine or something."
"Gotcha!" Mousse and Ranko replied in unison.
"Hey!" Ryoga snapped.
"Don't 'hey' me, you KNOW it's true!" Kenma shot back.
"That only happened three times!" Ryoga barked.
"I rest my case." Kenma stated.
So, turning the opposite direction, the others headed for the train station, while their friends and family saw them on their way.
Just you wait, Herb! You're gonna see exactly what happens when you mess with Ranma Saotome! Ranko thought.
Of course, Ryoga had a much different plan in his mind.
Oh, I'm gonna deal with YOU soon, Kenma, he thought. And then, once Ranma is out of the way, Akane will be all mine! As for her boyfriend? Hmm…I think the Claws of Hellfire will be enough to deal with him. Oh, yeah~I'm gonna make him suffer thoroughly!
Later, the gang was on the train, more specifically, seated in the dining car.
"Oh, man! I can't wait to tuck in!" said Kenma as he gazed eagerly at the food that was being carted about. "Y'know, I've always dreamed of getting to ride on a train, but now we actually get to!"
Ranma smirked. "Yeah, I know, you've been talkin' about it for years," he replied.
"Hey, can I help it if I have big dreams?" Kenma responded.
"No, I sure can't," Ranko replied.
"I like going on trains because it's a lot for me to see," Mousse shared.
"Yeah, that sounds about right." Ranko chimed in.
Meanwhile, Ryoga was in the bed car, looking through his bag. "Oh, where is it?" he grumbled as he continued to rifle and rummage until he found what he was looking for. "Aha! There you are!"
The item in question was a small pouch with a tasteless, odorless powder.
"This poison powder should be just the thing to take care of him," the lost boy said with an unpleasant smile as he put the pouch in his back pocket and headed to the dining car. "Now…what to put it on…?" he mused.
Of course, since his sense of direction stank like a pile of dead fish, he had made his way into another car altogether instead of the dining car.
"Wait a minute. This is the livestock car!" Ryoga exclaimed as he was now surrounded by cows and chickens. "Alright, now I have to get back to the dining car…now, which way was it again?"
…yeah, he's gonna be busy for a while.
Meanwhile, back in the dining car…
Kenma was chowing down on a cheesesteak sub, with some lemonade to drink. "This is the life!" he exclaimed. "Way better than 'riding Saotome style'!"
"What's that?" inquired Mousse.
"We climbed onto the roof and rode there," Ranko stated.
"Wow! I've heard of penny-pinching, but that's ridiculous!" Mousse said while eating his Ramen.
"Yup," said Kenma. "Claimed it was 'part of making us stronger', but I just think it was because he was a skinflint!"
"He was a skinflint, Bro," Ranko corrected.
"Yeah, true," nodded Kenma.
"Say, that reminds me…I still need to visit my mom," the bespectacled magician stated. "She's probably worried sick about me!"
"After this little adventure, you need to go see her," Ranko urged. "This is non-negotiable."
"Exactamundo, man," agreed Kenma. "You've made her worry for a year. Don't prolong her turmoil any further!"
"You're right! I'll go see her the first chance I get!" Mousse declared, clenching his fists dynamically.
"Anyways, how have you been so far?" asked Ranko. "...you know, when you ain't tryin' to fight my brother for Shampoo."
"Huh?" Mousse asked. "I haven't done that in months."
"Huh! Come to think of it, you haven't," Ranko realized. "But what made you change your tune?"
"Well, one of the reasons was our team battle on Togenkyo," Kenma said.
"And the other was that I started seeing someone else," added Mousse.
"Oh? Congratulations," smiled Ranko. "Who is it?"
Mousse's face went flush. "W-well…I can at least give you a hint…" he replied, giggling like a schoolgirl.
"No way! You're going steady with…Kodachi Kuno?!" Ranko asked.
Mousse blanched. "Aw, c'mon!" he said. "I didn't even give you the hint!"
"As soon as I heard that laugh, I knew who it was," responded Ranko.
"...that was a complete accident, but yes," replied Mousse.
"But I wonder, how did her brother react to this?" Kenma asked in genuine curiosity.
"Oh, that was a whole ordeal…" Mousse said as he rifled around in his sleeves before pulling out some drawings from within and laying them on the table.
"...is your sweater just a TARDIS?" Kenma asked blatantly.
Mousse raised his brow. "What the hell is a—you know what, never mind," he responded, brushing this off.
As he unfolded the drawings, they showed pictures of himself with Kodachi, with Kuno in the background.
"Brother dear~! I have finally claimed my boyfriend!"
"Who the devil is this large-eyed creature? And why does he look oddly familiar…?"
"Might he stay for dinner?"
Kuno stomped over, before he glanced at Mousse with a judging eye, which seemed to be bulging out of his skull.
Mousse raised his eyebrow, wondering if this guy was on some sort of medication.
Finally, Kuno concluded his "inspection". "Very well, you may date my twisted sister. If she, as the students say, 'matches your freak', who am I to judge thine tastes?" he responded.
Mousse blinked in bewilderment. "...you mean it's okay?" he asked.
"Of course it is, are you deaf?" Kuno retorted. "Besides, if anyone's going to need luck, it'll be you."
"...gee, thanks for the vote of confidence…" Mousse replied dryly.
"Come, dearest Mousse. Let us make sweet love in my boudoir!" Kodachi said as she took Mousse by the hand.
Mousse's face went pale, and he immediately started sweating bullets as he began rifling through his sleeves. "Uh, wait! This is so sudden, isn't it? Shouldn't we, y'know, take things slow? Or wait a few years?" he stammered. "...AT LEAST LET ME FIND A CONDOM!"
And so he pulled his coat off and began frantically shaking it to dislodge its contents.
"In hindsight, it turns out she was just testing me, but still, I wish she'd have said something," Mousse recounted. "I almost died from shock!"
"Well, you can never be too careful around that girl," Ranko said. "But how exactly did you get mixed up with someone like her?"
Mousse wiped his glasses. "Well, do you remember that time we went through the Cursed Tunnel of Lost Love?" he asked.
Ranma rubbed his chin. "...no, not really," he replied.
"Seriously?" asked Mousse. "It was a whole event last year!...you really don't remember?"
Kenma shrugged. "Nah. Maybe it was that kind of forgettable?"
"Dang! Still, I brought it up, so no sense in leaving it unexplained," Mousse responded. "So, I had a plan to split Kenma and Shampoo up, and Kodachi was plotting to split Ranma and Ukyo up. But both of our plans backfired…and we ended up getting together on the way out!"
"Well!" Kenma commented, tousling Mousse's hair. "Good for you, buddy!"
"Speaking of lost…where exactly is Ryoga?" asked Mousse.
"Maybe we oughta go looking for him?" Ranma wondered.
"How come?" Kenma asked.
"Because if he gets into trouble, who's to say he won't blame it on us?" Ranma responded. "Then we'll get thrown off…and knowing our luck, it'll be off the side of a mountain."
Kenma sighed. "Alright, you twisted my arm," he relented. "Time to go pig hunting."
"Since we're in this together, I'll help." Mousse said as he stood up and fixed his glasses.
With that, the three left the table and went on their hog hunt.
Meanwhile, through a series of confusing twists and turns [hell, for a bit he ended up on the train roof, Ryoga finally made it to the kitchen car.
"Hehehe! It may have taken me a while, but I made it," the lost boy said as he took the poison pouch out from his pocket. "Now, I just have to cover my bases…now, which of these would Kenma eat?"
So he started looking through the platters of food, checking each of them.
"Sushi? No, too small for his liking…dorayaki? Nah, that'd be his dessert…takoyaki? Same problem as the first…where the hell's the big food?!" he fumed.
Then he spotted a bowl of ramen with all the fixings. "Bingo!" he cackled, rubbing his hands together. "If this doesn't get Kenma, I dunno WHAT will!"
Just as Ryoga was about to administer the deadly dosage, a massive hand wrapped around his neck.
SKA-RUNCH!
Ryoga frantically flailed and struggled to pull himself free, feeling his face turning red as he was lifted up towards the face of the chef, a mountain of a man in a toque.
"Pardon me…" he said, his voice deep and raspy at the same time [Think Jackson Beck as Overcat from the Underdog cartoon, or Dale D. Kelly as Captain Ginyu]. "...but I don't recall seein' you around this part o' the train before today."
Ryoga wheezed and flailed his arms as his face turned from red to purple, right before blue.
"Oh…I must have cut off your breathing," the chef responded, loosening his grip some. "...is that better?"
"A little bit, sir…" Ryoga gasped, as his face returned to its normal color.
"Splendid," the chef responded. "Now, can you explain to me, just what is it you happen to be doin' to the food which I have spent so long working on, slaving over a hot stove to craft?"
Now Ryoga began to sweat. Because having a giant man's hand wrapped around his neck wasn't enough of a fear inducer. "Just…spicing it up a little…" he managed to say.
"Is that right, then?" the chef rasped. "I'll be da judge of that. After all, I decide what does and don't go in my noodles." The mammoth chef took the powder pouch from Ryoga's hand and poured the contents of it into his mouth.
The lost boy winced in fear, terrified that the large man would drop dead then and there…but to his surprise, he was still alive.
"Hm…not bad, I suppose, but next time, I suggest black pepper," the chef replied, tossing the bag back at him.
Ryoga blinked in shock, before he glanced at the bag. To his shock…the poison had expired two months ago. At midnight.
"...you gotta be kidding me," he groaned. "Stupid expired poison…"
BACK AT THE TRAIN BOOTH…
The boys eventually regrouped after a half-hour of searching. "So, have any of you found Ryoga?" asked Ranko.
"Nope," said Kenma.
"Not even a curly tail," Mousse added.
"And you know I haven't found him," said Ranko. "So how exactly are we going to—"
Just as he said this, Ryoga came tumbling out, rolling end over end towards their section. As he flopped over, he was covered in bruises, lumps, and a black eye.
"Hey, look, there he is," observed Kenma. "Mystery solved."
"AND STAY OUT OF MY KITCHEN!" the chef shouted before slamming the train door shut.
Kenma peered down. "Y'know…I get the feeling porky wanted to help out in the kitchen," he commented.
Note to self, always check the expiration date on your poisons… Ryoga thought.
AND SO, A LITTLE WHILE LATER…
The quartet exited the train and stretched their legs at the rest stop nearby.
"Ahhh! Who knew that riding on a train would make you so stiff?" Ranko asked as she stretched.
"I suppose," Kenma said as he cracked his neck. "But I wouldn't trade it for anything, lemme tell ya!"
"Alright, we're already halfway there!" Mousse stated happily. "Now, I'll just see how much we have left and…" he then gasped out loud when he saw that the money was gone.
"What? What is it, Mousse?" Kenma asked.
"The money! It's all gone!" shrieked Mousse.
"But…but where did it go?!" Kenma asked. "What happened to the dough?"
"It was right here in my bag!" the bespectacled magician stated. "Somebody must've taken it while I was sleeping."
"Well, I was up in my bunk," said Kenma.
"And I was in mine," his brother added.
"If not you…then who?" asked Mousse, before his eyes nearly bugged out of his glasses. "...RYOGA!"
The directionally-challenged boy looked at the others. "...what?" he asked. "You don't think I had something to do with the money going missing, do you?"
"Yes, we do," the trio responded without a second of hesitation.
"Well, Mousse could've misplaced it!" Ryoga tried to shift the blame.
"My ass I misplaced it," Mousse shot back. "I kept it in the same pocket, and I checked it every 2 hours before I went to bed. Then, I wake up, get off the train, and it just so happens to be gone? I don't believe in coincidences."
"Ya might as well come clean, Ryoga. Because frankly, you suck at lying." Ranko said.
"I say, we shake him and see what comes out!" Kenma declared.
"Yeah! We should!" Ranko agreed.
Before Ryoga could protest, Ranko had turned him upside down, and was immediately shaking him like a cartoon bully holding their victim for a swirlie. All manner of assorted weapons, poisons and even a first degree murder instruction manual [Killing Your Nemesis for Dummies, Pocket-Sized Edition, published 1985] came falling out of his pockets.
"Wow, they really do make a book on every subject," Kenma stated, seeing the book that fell out of Ryoga's pocket.
"Who cares about that?" asked Mousse. "We don't even have two yen to rub together! So just what are we gonna do about it, huh?"
"Well, fellas, tradition dictates that we look for jobs," responded Ranko. "But who'd hire us, I wonder?"
SOME TIME LATER…
At the Hot Springs Hotel Imozuru, Ranko was picking up dirty bowls and silverware while wearing a kimono. "Hi, and welcome to the Hotel Imozuru~!" she chirped, waving to the new tourist group that had just arrived.
"Ranko, would you be a dear and clean the bath today?" asked her supervisor.
"You got it!" Ranko responded with a chirpy tone and a wide smile.
I might not like it, but this form has its advantages, she thought.
Outside, Ryoga, Mousse and Kenma were chopping logs. Granted, Ryoga did it with ease through the use of the Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken, combined with the Bakusai Tenketsu.
"I can't believe I'm working in a place like this," he grumbled.
"Oh, don't act like this is beneath you," Kenma shot back as he spun the axe and chopped another piece of wood in half. "Besides, we may as well suck it up and do our jobs. After all, this is your fault."
Ryoga angrily grumbled while continuing to chop the wood.
"Yeah, that's what I thought," said Kenma as he went back to chopping.
Mousse walked by while carrying a crate full of glass bottles. "How's that wood coming along, guys?" the bespectacled boy asked.
"Well, it's certainly coming..." Kenma responded.
"Great! Keep it up, 'cuz we've got a lot of people out there who need a hot bath," Mousse replied.
"Hey Mousse, why don't you take over for me?" Ryoga asked.
"No can do, Ryoga. These crates aren't gonna move themselves." Mousse answered as he walked away.
"Just chop the bleedin' wood," said Kenma. "It's not like Herb and his gang are gonna fall right into our hands."
"Darn!" the lost boy said under his breath before looking at the axe that was sitting right next to him.
As soon as he caught sight of it, a wicked smile formed on his face…and you can probably guess what he was thinking. He then tiptoed over, grabbed the axe and raised it up into the air, ready to bring it down on Kenma's neck….or his head. Whichever he made impact with first.
Ryoga licked his lips, a borderline demonic grin on his face.
I might not have been able to poison him….but even HE'S not immune to a good, solid axe!
Kenma simply turned and kicked Ryoga right in the solar plexus, knocking the wind out of his sails.
"OOFAH—!" wheezed Ryoga as he doubled over, clutching his stomach. "But…how?!"
"You think I couldn't sense your dark ki?" retorted Kenma. "You do a piss-poor job of hiding your murderous intent."
He's right! The axe was way too obvious! Ryoga thought as he fell to the ground.
"Plus…you know, out in the woods, far away from home," Kenma gestured. "You probably figure this way nobody asks questions. Too bad you forgot about Nabiki…also Shampoo. Also my mom, who works as an assassin for hire. The point is, I wouldn't go unnoticed if I just happened to turn up missing!"
"Hoo-ee, was that a good meal!" called a familiar voice, causing Kenma to perk up. Quickly, he reached offscreen and pulled over a giant wax ear.
"What is that?" asked Mousse.
"I call it my hearing aid," Kenma responded. "Now hush up, eh? I think I recognize that voice."
"Indeed, Lime," said another voice. "Although, something perplexes me."
"What would that be?" asked Lime.
"Well, you know how women have breasts?" responded Mint.
"Uh-huh," nodded Lime.
"When Master Herb got his cloak undone earlier…he had one of those on his chest, didn't he?"
"Sure looked like it."
"Maybe we ought to go…check again?"
"But Mint, he may punish us."
"Well…it's his own fault, anyway!" Mint replied. "We're really curious…and nobody bothered to teach us!"
"The master had his reasons," Lime said. "If we knew, we'd be distracted!"
"Well, I'm pretty distracted NOW!" Mint shot back. "I get all pointy in the lower regions, and I don't know why, or what to do about it!"
Kenma then began to tear up; he, too, had experienced that same feeling, once when he was younger. See, Genma had neglected to teach him about sex education (besides genders), and had Ranma's hormonal urges suppressed through moxibustion burns. As for Kenma, he just never bothered to teach him.
Of course…considering that they were supposed to marry the Tendo daughters, one wonders how exactly they expected to "carry on the schools" with two heirs who knew jack shit about sex.
So, Kenma had to pick up bits and pieces of what he knew nowadays from around their various travels across China.
"...they aren't bad guys, just kept forcefully ignorant, is all," he murmured. "And someone's got to pull the wool off of their eyes."
And then he glanced at the screen. "...and I'm just the putz to do it!" he grinned as he zipped away.
"But first, I'll use what little I have to make a quick stop at the local 7/11."
SHORTLY…!
Mint and Lime were busying themselves by gazing up at the clouds, while Herb was off taking a soak in the springs.
"Why exactly can't we go for a soak?" asked Lime.
"Because the master has requested we stay on guard," replied Mint. "And besides, he doesn't want us seeing his breast."
"But they looked so nice!" Lime lamented.
"Aye, that they did," Mint replied, patting his larger compatriot on the head. "But I suppose the most we can do is watch the clouds."
"Beggin' yer pardon, but I may just have some things for you that are a bit more interesting than those soggy ol' clouds!" exclaimed an enthusiastic voice from nearby.
Glancing up, Lime and Mint turned to the left to see a young man in his 20s, clad in a yellow bathrobe and a baseball cap. On his bathrobe was the kanji for 猿 [anyone who can figure out what this means, put your answers in your comment after your reviews, and he was saddled with a gym bag.
"Hiya, boys! My name is Sarumarou, and from the looks of it, I can tell you are some fine young men who need something to do with their oodles of free time," the young man told them, suddenly behind them and draping his arms over each of their shoulders.
"We're dyin' of boredom!" Lime confessed.
"We are rather bored, since the master never lets us enjoy ourselves. " Mint chimed in.
"We ain't even got a bloody colorin' book!" Lime fumed. "...not that the master even lets us have crayons, anyway."
Sarumarou shook his head in dismay. "Such a shame to see such talented youngsters be squandered in this manner," he remarked. "But—there are other ways to spend your free time. Perhaps you would like to find out…?"
"We're listening," urged Lime.
Sarumarou chittered to himself. "You gents ever…shake hands with the mailman?" he winked.
"We've never even gotten a letter," responded Mint.
"Dial the rotary phone?"
"We never really used a phone before…" Lime replied.
"Shake hands with the champ?"
"Is he strong?" asked Mint.
"Pet the cat?"
"...oh, girls have cats!" Lime spoke up. "Now I kind of want one."
Sarumarou sighed. These guys weren't getting it. "Have you ever masturbated?" he asked.
"Well…no, not really," said Mint. "The master tends to discourage that sort of thing."
"And why is that?" Sarumarou asked.
"Well, because he says it's a distraction from our training," Mint explained.
Sarumarou fumed, and had to keep his tail from coming untied and thrashing wildly; he, too, knew what this was like. Many a time he had asked his father what it meant when he got these strange stirrings in his lower region, only to be rebuffed and told that it was a "distraction from his training".
"Boys…I can't begin to tell you how much this yanks at my heartstrings," he said, wiping his eyes, then blowing into a big handkerchief. HO-O-O-O-ONK! "I've been there, I feel your pain…but as a wise man once said: where there is light…there is hope."
Now Mint and Lime were…well, more curious than they'd been before. "What exactly do you mean?" they asked.
"Well, I happen to have these nifty little pamphlets right here…" Sarumarou said, fishing out two pamphlets labeled EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MASTURBATION, BUT DIDN'T WANNA ASK YOUR PARENTS BECAUSE THAT WOULD MAKE THINGS IRREVERSIBLY WEIRD.
Both guys took the pamphlets in response.
"And, of course, some material for you to work with," Sarumarou said, opening his duffel bag and flashing issues of Weekly Playboy, Monthly Playboy, Weekly Asahi Geino, and Magazine WOW.
[A/N: Yes, those are all real adult magazines from Japan.]
Mint and Lime's eyes sparkled like diamonds, their hands trembled, and their hearts were beating like drums.
"Those magazines…" wheezed Lime. "They have g-g-girls in 'em!"
"That they do," smirked Sarumarou. "And when ya grab THESE ones, they won't slap ya."
Mint looked at the salesman. "What would you take in exchange for this?" he inquired.
"Well, if you happened to have some sort of map to…perhaps, a magic kettle, we could call it an even trade…?" Sarumarou nudged.
"Come to think of it, I have a map that leads to something called the Kettle of Liberation," the smaller man said.
"Is that right, then?" Sarumarou raised a brow. "Perhaps I could give it a once-over? Just for a minute or two, y'see."
"Of course," Mint answered as he reached into his shirt and grabbed the map, which was rolled up into a cylinder.
Sarumarou quickly looked over the map, made a copy of his own, and after several minutes spent checking for errors he might've made, he returned the original map.
"Well, boys, never say I don't keep my word," he said, as he turned over the magazines. "Read 'em in good health, okay?"
"We sure will!" Lime answered happily.
With a nod, Sarumarou headed off with a spring in his step.
…of course, he turned back into Kenma moments later, once he was out of their sight.
"I've just taken out two birds with one stone," he said. "Not to mention, I've procured a map! Oh, big bro—whup, little big sis—er, Ranma—is gonna be real proud!"
And so he trotted giddily back to the main group. "Hey, fellas!" he called. "Guess who just made our mission a whole lot easier?"
But when he came back, he saw they were all gone!
"Hey!" Kenma exclaimed. "Dammit, don't tell me you all took off without me! …that sorta thing hasn't happened since—"
He stopped when he heard blows being traded.
"A fight, huh?" Kenma mused. "Ranko's gotta be nearby!"
And, rearing back, he took off in that direction.
APPROACHING FLASHBACK. KEEP YOUR HANDS AND FEET INSIDE THE FLASHBACK AT ALL TIMES. LET'S SAY THIS ONE TOOK PLACE…ABOUT 11 YEARS AGO.[BEFORE THE NEKO-KEN, LET ME ASSURE YOU.]
Ranma and Kenma were both in the middle of a difficult training exercise, where they were running through the forest area of a mountain. Genma was watching from afar, hoping they would learn to increase their speed and reflexes…alright, he'd snuck off to
steal some take-out and came back to watch how things went down.
"Just keep at it, boys. I'll be right back!" Genma said as he snuck away.
Kenma was frantically scurrying behind, while Ranma was in the lead.
"C'mon, keep up, why don't ya?" Ranma called.
"Well! Ex-cuuuse me!" Kenma shot back. "I didn't go to God an' ask him personally to gimme these stupid…stubby…arms…and…legs!"
"Just try to run faster!" the older Saotome brother urged.
"What's it look like I'm doin'—twiddlin' my thumbs?" the younger remarked.
"Ughhh!" Ranma groaned, frustrated at his brother's lack of ability. "Sometimes I wonder what's so great about havin' a brother? It's like a rock in your shoe that you can't shake out! A big lead weight!"
"Yeah? Well…havin' you for a big BOTHER is no picnic either!" Kenma retorted as he continued behind.
"Better hurry up…or a tiger will come and eat you!" Ranma shouted as he climbed up a nearby tree. "You know they like monkeys!"
"Knock it off!" Kenma snapped. "You're just tryin' ta trick me! It's not gonna work!"
"You really think I'd joke about somethin' like that?!" the ponytailed half-pint replied as he jumped to the nearby tree branch.
"Why not? You did it before!" Kenma retorted. "Like the time you said the yuki-onna was gonna freeze me solid! Or that time when you said I was gonna get eaten by a bakemono!"
"Come on, Ken! Don't tell me you actually believed that stuff." Ranma said, clearly underestimating the power of the imagination.
Kenma simply crossed his arms and glared quietly up at his brother, as if to say, "What do YOU think?"
"Oh…you did." Ranma chuckled, feeling very sheepish.
"The only reason I'm coming up…is so I can pop you in the nose!" Kenma shouted as he made his way over.
"Well, you're gonna have to catch me first, Kenma!" Ranma replied.
"Okay, then I will!" Kenma narrowed his eyes and set his arms about the tree trunk, clawing into it as he pulled himself up the length, fueled by determination and the energy of a very small child.
…which, as any parent and kindergarten teacher will tell you, is a lot.
"Come on, little bro. You can do it!" Ranma urged.
"That's…why….I'm climbing!" Kenma said as he pulled himself up further.
"Here, lemme give you a little encouragement." his older brother said as he stuck his tongue out.
That pushed Kenma to try harder, continuing to make his way up the tree, until he reached the first branch and stuck his arm out to grab it.
In spite of all odds, he managed to wrap his fingers around the branch, and clutched it tightly.
"Come on, you're nearly there!" Ranma urged before hearing a very distinct growl. "On second thought, Ken, you might not wanna climb up to the top!"
"What do ya mean? I'm almost there!" shouted Kenma. "Or is this just you bein' weird again?"
"No, I'm serious this time. I think there's a tiger up here!" the ponytailed boy warned.
Kenma rolled his eyes. "Oh, here we go," he scoffed. "First, you want me to climb up so I don't get eaten…now you DON'T want me to climb up cuz I might get eaten! Well, WHICH IS IT, RANMA?! CUZ YOU ARE MAKIN' ME REAL MAD!"
"Kenma, get down from there before—" Ranma started before the tiger leapt at him from the adjacent tree branch and swiped at him with its claws.
The older Saotome brother quickly ducked under the swipe, though the sudden jolt caused Kenma to lose his grip and fall.
"YEAAAAAAAAAAGH!" he shrieked as he plummeted to the ground.
"KENMA!" Ranma called out before jumping off of the tree branch and diving after his little brother, catching him in the process and sticking the landing.
"That was close!" Ranma said, breathing a sigh of relief.
"Don't look now, bro, but it's still there!" Kenma screamed, pointing a finger at the menacing mass of fangs and fur, snarling from the tree as it leapt to the ground.
"Oh, crud!" the ponytailed boy exclaimed before running in the opposite direction, while still holding Kenma.
The tiger continued to chase the kids, intent on making them its next meal.
"We are SO done!" Kenma whimpered. "That overfed tabby's gonna have us as tiger treats!"
"We're just gonna have to show this throw rug that the Saotome brothers aren't on the menu!" declared Ranma confidently.
"How exactly do we do that when it's right behind us?!" Kenma asked.
"I dunno. I'm making this up as…I go." Ranma posited as he reached a moment of clarity. "I know just what to do now, Ken."
"OK, what's that?" asked Kenma.
"Just follow my lead!" his brother instructed as he took a hard left into some bushes, losing the wild cat.
The tiger turned and growled, looking around for its missing prey.
Then, a whistle came from the bushes. Hearing this, the tiger instinctively went towards the noise.
As the beast drew closer, the whistling became louder. Surely its prey had to be nearby!
It then turned the corner to see that Kenma was the one doing the whistling…and sweating profusely while doing so. "If I survive this, he's gonna wish I hadn't!" Kenma thought to himself before he turned and ran for his life.
"Hey, Fangface! Over here!" Ranma called out while stretching out a tree branch.
The tiger then turned to Ranma and ran towards him with reckless abandon.
"That's right, you flea-bitten creep! Come closer!" The ponytailed boy thought to himself as the wild cat leapt at its would-be prey, only to be smacked several miles away by the tree branch.
KA-THWAP!
"Happy trails, kitty litter!" laughed Ranma, dusting his hands off. "Great job with the distraction, Ken!"
"Yeah, thanks," Kenma retorted, his tone icy.
"You're not mad, are you?" Ranma asked as he walked over to his brother.
"No, of COURSE not," Kenma replied. "After all, who DOESN'T enjoy being left for bait in spite of their stupid short legs? What, dear brother, could I POSSIBLY have to be mad about?"
"Well, someone had to pull the tree branch and I was strong enough to do it." Ranma explained himself.
"Oh, yeah, I just bet," Kenma sniffed. "Like this wasn't just a way of getting rid of the dead weight!"
"Dead weight?" his older brother asked.
"What, like you don't know?" Kenma crossed his arms. "I hear you grumblin' when Dad sticks us together, and I hear HIM every other night. You gripin' about how havin' a brother is such a pain when he can't keep up, and Dad grousin' about wanting TWO strong sons. If you don't want me, then just say it, okay? You don't need to try and have me killed, I'll just run off…you can say I fell down a ravine somewhere…outta sight, outta mind…"
"But…I don't think of you as dead weight." Ranma replied, his tone genuine.
"...yeah?" Kenma asked, skeptical.
"I know I give you a hard time, but that's because I wanna encourage you to push past your limits and become better." Ranma elaborated. "I would never give you up for anything!"
Kenma looked him over. "...really?" he inquired.
"And about what Pop says, I couldn't disagree more! You are far from worthless, Kenma!"
At that point, Ranma felt something around his arms. Looking down, he saw his little brother, arms wrapped around his, head slumped over his shoulder…and trying not to cry.
That evening, after Genma returned to the campsite and found out what happened, he REALLY flew off the handle.
"Kenma! How could you be so careless?!" he snapped. "With a tiger in the area, Ranma could have gotten hurt! Clearly you should have been looking out for him!"
Kenma's head was lowered. "... I'm sorry…" he said, his voice trembling.
"DON'T BE SORRY, BOY, BE BETTER!" Genma spat. "AND THINK FOR ONCE! If Ranma were to be killed, who would be there to lead the next generation of the Saotome Style Anything-Goes Martial Arts?"
Kenma opened his mouth to speak up.
"And DON'T say you could," Genma quickly shut him down. "Bad enough you have to be a disappointment, but DELUSIONAL?!"
Kenma subsequently closed his mouth.
"Just go back to your little doodles," Genma responded. "Besides, artists are a dime a dozen. And there's no place for those in the school, anyhow."
Kenma turned and trudged silently back to his sleeping bag. He didn't feel much like eating after that.
He felt plenty like crying, though. But…no. One tear, and he'd never hear the end of it.
Meanwhile, Ranma was trying to present his side of the story. But of course, Genma just wasn't hearing it.
THE FLASHBACK WILL CONTINUE IN A LATER CHAPTER.
…in his own way, Ranma's always been there for me, Kenma thought as he arrived. And I'll always be there for him. Like a squire to a knight.
Upon arriving at the scene, he narrowly dodged getting steamrolled by the Musk Dynasty men [and woman] as they left the scene.
"Get the lead out, you cretins!" Herb shouted at her two subordinates. "What is it that's weighing you down?"
"Nothing, master!" said Mint, his backpack stuffed with dirty magazines. "Simply pacing ourselves, is all!"
Herb rolled her amber eyes as they left.
As Kenma turned back around, he collided with Ranko, who was in hot pursuit of the trio.
"Wh—OOMPH!" they exclaimed as they collided.
"Hey! Watch where you're—" Ranko started before she saw that it was her brother that she ran into. "Oh, hey, Ken."
"Look, I'm sorry I crashed into ya," Kenma grunted as he fished around for the map. "But! I know you're gonna be over the moon when you see what I've got!"
"Oh? And what's so great?" Ranko asked.
"I know where those guys are goin'," Kenma replied as he drew forth his copy of the map. "And thanks to this, so do you~"
"Yes! Whoo-hoo!" the redheaded girl cheered. "Right now I'm so happy I could kiss you!"
So, there was still hope. Herb and her cronies hadn't exactly escaped without a trace…and in a little while, Ranko and the others would be hot on their heels!
COMING SOON:
the RANMA HALLOWEEN SPECIAL!
A night of frightful fun turns to chaos when a witch turns everyone into whatever costume they're wearing! All signs point to Happosai being at fault...can our usual group of yahoos put a stop to this? And maybe they'll make some new friends as a result?
Stay tuned while we put the main story on hiatus!
ALSO COMING SOON-ISH:
Ranma ½ Kai!
[temporary name until we figure out a better one!]
In this story based on the all-new Ranma reboot, this new Kenma has the memories of the original timeline. How he'll use these memories is anyone's guess. See how he handles his situation now that he doesn't have filler episodes to fall back on.
[Also not the final plot summary.]
Until next time, please read and review. I need 'em to go on!
