TMNT: Lullabye for You
Ch.3~ Time goes by
Blurry. Why was everything so blurry? I could hear sounds but they felt muffled. A ring pierced my hearing and I gritted my teeth as the wave of pain hit. I felt hands.
Who was there?
Blinking my vision cleared a bit and I saw an orange and a purple bandana. Mikey? Don? Lulling my head to the side I saw brown and grey, was that Father. I blinked more as I tried to clear my vision.
Where was?
Raph.
Raph!
I lurched forward but I felt hands hold me back. I felt like the world was spinning and my stomach lurched. What happened? Where was Raph?
"My son." A voice soothed, I blinked and saw the blurry face of Father looking at me.
"R-raph." I gasped.
The look that took his face made my heart sink.
No. It can't be true.
"All we found were his sais," Father stated.
"No. No!" I screamed and tried to get up again but firm hands got me to stay down.
"Leo please, you hit your head." Don pleaded, I turned to see the worried expression on his face. "Please, I can't lose you too."
I fell limp at those words.
Lose me too…
(Raph's POV)
I bashed my shoulder into the door keeping me trapped, I gritted my teeth at the pain, but I can't stop. I need to get myself out of this van those bastards stuck me in. I don't even know how long they've been driving but that didn't matter. All that mattered is that I got out of this stupid van and went home.
Tears welled up in my eyes as I threw myself at the door again. Suddenly the vehicle finally came to a stop and I stumbled back. I could hear something outside. I got to my feet ready to run once they opened the door.
There. It's opening.
Running I kicked the man in front of me and ran forward but I felt something hit me. A shock ripped through me sending me to the ground. I wanted to move, to keep running. But no, I couldn't move.
"I've never seen your species before." A man voice intoned calmly.
Looking up I saw a man looking down at me dressed like some sort of man in black. Are you shitting me? Is this some movie? Does he think I'm some sort of alien?
"Prep it for testing," he stated cooly.
Testing!?
(Leo's POV)
I sat in bed my head was no longer aching as it had been but I felt sick and unbalanced. Don said I had gotten a concussion from slamming my head into the wall. It also made a pretty decent gash where I had impacted with the bricks.
But I wasn't worried about myself, I knew right now the others were searching for Raphael. Yet I was stuck here in bed not able to help them. He must be so scared, he must be sore and exhausted.
Tears filled my eyes as I tightened my grip on my blankets.
It was all my fault.
Raph would still be here and safe if I hadn't been such an idiot.
Why had I done that?
He had only been concerned for me and I…
I just. When I saw him standing there.
I shook my head as if that would remove the thought from my head. The thought that had entered my brain then. That caused me to startle him and make him unable to stand.
"Leo, I'm back to check on you!" Don called. "Leo?"
"It's my fault," I muttered, I heard his footsteps and felt the bed sink as he sat on the edge.
"Leo, you were hurt. It's not your fault." Don soothed, I bite my lip tears falling down my cheeks.
"You don't understand. He was only out there because of me. Because I ran off without talking to him…" I began, I felt Don's hand touch my shoulder.
"Leo, you didn't know, you couldn't have." Don soothed.
"I promised I would always be there to protect him…" I sobbed. "When it mattered most I failed him."
(Raph's POV)
I sat in the cold cell my body screaming in pain, everything that touched me felt like pins sticking through me. My body wouldn't move the pain kept me trapped on this thin mattress they had me on. The only sounds around me were mechanical, like ones to the machine I was hooked up to.
How long had I been here? A week? A month?
Time has lost meaning here. It was all a blur of pain and unconsciousness.
My most recent test, had them remove my shell, and now I felt even more exposed to them. They had stuck me in some medical gown once they had finished the metal brace that replaced my shell. The whole process had felt like my spine was being ripped out and I was being skinned. Luckily they had the decency to give me drugs after the first hour of suffering.
I had no clue what any of these tests were meant to do. It only seemed like torture. This was a torture that felt like it may never end. Maybe it would be best if I just died. Then at least I wouldn't have to know what they would do to me next.
"It appears you're not the only one of your kind." A voice stated over the intercom.
"Fuck you," I muttered glaring at the camera on the corner across from me.
"Perhaps you are best studied in your natural habitat? But first I have more experiments I would like to perform," he stated, my heart sank at his words.
What was he going to do to me?
(Leo's POV)
I sat down on Raph's bed my heart aching. It's been six months now, while we still hoped he may be alive. Our hope was fading. I had taken up searching for Raph every day. Well, I suppose it was less of a search and more of a walk. I needed to keep trying, even if it was futile. I had to do it.
I carefully laid down on Raph's bed, it still smelled like him if the smell was fainter now. Reaching up I grabbed the diary I had found under his pillow. I ran my hand over the cover thoughtfully before pulling it close to my chest.
This diary was one of the many he had been writing in since we were small. It had been something Father had gotten him to begin after he and Mikey fought when we were five. I encouraged him to continue it after the accident and it seemed to stick.
I had read through this one up until that last entry. It had made me feel close to him after the day Father sat us down to tell us Raph was most likely dead. I refused to accept that. Until I could see his body I refused to believe he was gone.
"Leonardo?" Father stated, I turned to see him in the doorway with a sad expression. "I know this has been hard…"
"He's not gone!" I shouted, he looked hurt. "I just… He can't be…"
"I wish that were true my son…" he soothed.
"I'm not giving up. I won't give up." I argued.
"Do not spend your life chasing a ghost."
I glared at Father as he looked at me with those too-sympathetic eyes. He seemed to realize this was going nowhere and left the doorway. I pulled the journal back and gently placed it in its hiding place. Patting the pillow fondly I rubbed at my tears with my palms.
I will find you Raph. I promise.
(Raphael's POV)
I wretched into the bucket they had so 'graciously' left me. At this point, I had long since emptied my stomach. Now it was just burning bile that coated my mouth with a foul acidic taste. You'd think they would have the decency to give me a bathroom at this point. This whole puking, peeing, and dumping in a bucket was getting old.
"What's a guy gotta do to get a bathroom around here?" I complained not really expecting a reply.
"It is being prepared, it seems the experiment has been successful." that damn intercom voice informed.
A success? My stomach turned at the implications and I again wretched bile into the bucket. Tears filled my eyes as stared blankly down. This, this isn't true…
Please, tell me this isn't true!
(Leo's POV)
I laid cuddled in Raph's bed, sleep was not coming tonight it seemed. Nightmares had become more regular now. They left me feeling sick to the pit of my stomach. The images that I saw haunted me just as much as Raph's absence has. He was meant to be here and safe not out there alone, scared, hurt…
My brain kept thinking back to that day.
I had been training to try and distract myself from my growing attraction. Raph didn't need to be burdened by my feelings, and yet… When he came to check on me. The way he looked with that faint blush it drove me wild. Before I even knew what I was doing I was in front of him inhaling his scent.
He seemed so shocked and a bit scared before I finally noticed how weak his legs were becoming. I caught him and helped him down, my hands lingered on him longer than I meant. Seeing him like that, it, it did things to my brain.
So I ran.
Like an idiot, I ran away from him.
I should have just been honest. Father said we needed to keep these feelings to ourselves. I know he means well but I shouldn't have. Not if it was going to lead to this.
My heart ached, the guilt inside me was eating at me. Reminding me daily of how I failed Raph. Now he was hurt and somewhere all alone. I couldn't protect him. I promised him I would, and I failed. I failed him.
"My son." Father soft voice stated, I turned my blurry eyes to see him in the doorway. "Oh Leonardo."
I sniffled as he walked over and sat at the edge of the bed, I found myself being pulled into a warm embrace. I buried my face into his robes as I sobbed out my regret. He hummed softly as he rubbed my shell soothingly.
"I want him back…" I muttered.
"As do we all…" he stated.
"It was all my fault."
"I can assure you it was not."
"It was, Raph was out there because I ran off. He should have been home. Even after he pushed himself I couldn't even protect him. I couldn't protect him… I promised him I would…"
"That is not your responsibility my son."
"He's the love of my life, and I couldn't even protect him…"
"You are still too young to put that responsibility on yourself. You are both still my children. I am your protector until you are all eighteen. You do not have to bear that responsibility yet my son."
(Splinter's POV)
I looked at my son, my heart aching.
It seemed I had not realized how badly Leonardo was suffering with the loss of his brother. I felt naive and foolish for not realizing it. Now my naivete had my son resting in his lost brother's bed wrists wrapped in gauze. We had been lucky to find him in time and stop the bleeding.
Michelangelo and Donatello were heartbroken and had cried at the bedside for hours. I had only managed to convince them to go rest an hour or so ago. Donatello had to practically carry his brother out of the room. I wanted to check on them but I knew I could not make myself leave Leonardo's side.
"Father…" his weak voice croaked, I moved closer grabbing his hand. "Why can't I join him?"
"I refuse to lose another son," I stated, he teared up.
"Raph, I want Raph." he sobbed, I began to brush his forehead comfortingly.
"I know my son, I know." I hushed.
Was I going to lose him too?
(Leo's POV)
After my attempt I had not been left alone for a long time, if I was not with Father I was with Mikey or Don. I knew I had scared them and I felt guilty.
It had taken a lot of time to be able to regain their trust. But finally I was able to take a walk. It was something I practically begged to do. I wanted to go look for Raph even if it was just a walk. I wanted to feel like I was doing something.
I still wanted to die. I still wanted to join Raph but I couldn't. Raph would want me to be here for our brothers. So even if I didn't want to be alive without him. Still, I knew, if need be I would happily give my life if it meant their safety and happiness.
I looked down the dim tunnels feeling the familiar ache in my chest.
"Raph," I called half-heartedly.
I didn't expect a response it was more for myself than anything. A dim hope I kept clinging to.
Please be alive Raph…
(Raph's POV)
I laid on the bed in my new cell, while this was more habitable I knew it was still a cage. At least this one had a bathroom. My body ached from the testing they had performed earlier. I forced my mind away from that horror. A beep sounded and I heard the door to my room open, I curled up in fear.
I watched a doctor approach me and I scooted back as far as I could cringing at the sting of pain when my back hit the wall. Not again, no I can't go through that again. I found myself chirping as I reflexively put my hands on my swell.
The Doctor remained neutral in expression as he tore the blanket off of me. I began to shake as he prepared something, turning I tried to resist as he grabbed my wrists and pulled my hands up. I sobbed and kicked as he placed the round-ended object onto my middle. He moved it around with purpose as I squeezed my eyes shut.
Soon the pressure was removed and I continued my struggle. Suddenly a familiar prick of a needle entering my veins caused me to cry in pain. I curled up as he let go of one hand which I moved to my swell. Soon I felt something being wrapped around my still-trapped arm.
Peeking my eyes open I saw I was once again being hooked up to something. My hand was wrapped with gauze meant to keep me from dislodging the line. Not that I had the strength for that anymore. I could barely manage to walk to the bathroom.
I relaxed a bit as the doctor left the room, I struggled to grab the blanket and recover myself. Once I was bundled up again I let my eyes close. The fear had drained my limited energy.
(Later)
I whimpered as I curled in around the large swell I was developing. The reality of what they had done to me sank in. I wanted to be angry, I wanted to hate this thing they forced me to conceive. But… I couldn't. My heart betrayed me.
This small life growing inside me was becoming my hope, my reason to live. I didn't know how long it would take but I had to get them and myself out. I couldn't let them live and grow in this hellhole. They should be at home with my family.
Please, Leo, Father.
Please someone save us.
I want to go home.
(Leo's POV)
I felt bad for making Mikey make these but at least now I could hide my mistakes. The fingerless gloves went up just past my elbows. I was not being checked on like before so no one suspected a thing. But now under these gloves were many small cuts and scars.
Whenever I began to feel the guilt of my mistake with Raph I would add another mark. I could not pass on, I needed to be here for our brothers. So this took the edge off. It allowed me to continue living in this world without Raph.
"Leo? Don and I, well, we want to watch a movie with you?" Mikey asked interrupting my thinking as I meditated.
"Sure," I replied forcing a smile.
Mikey seemed excited as I got up and walked over to him. His excitable energy was infectious and my smile grew more natural. He grabbed my hand and dragged me toward the living room. Don was sat on the sofa and looked at us relieved.
"Leo, I picked the movie, I know you love Ghibli so I picked Princess Mononoke," Don stated.
"Thanks, Don, I really have two sweet little brothers." I cooed rubbing both he and Mikey's heads. "How about we make Popcorn and get blankets? We can have a little slumber party."
"Yay!" Mikey cheered racing toward the kitchen.
"Leo, will you be okay?" Don asked, he was too perceptive.
"I will, being with you two helps." I soothed, "I'll go grab the blankets if you want to help Mikey with snacks and drinks."
At least I still have them. Don't worry Raph I'll protect them.
(Raph's POV)
I looked at the empty space on the bed beside me longingly. I wished Leo was here. I wanted him to hold me like he always had. His arms was somewhere I always felt safe. I hope I get to lay beside him again. I want to bury my face in his plastron and breathe in his scent.
A kick from within me brought me out of my thoughts. I gently reached down and rubbed my swell soothingly. The little one in me was fairly calm but it seems they did not enjoy my low moods. I hummed softly the song I had often sung to Leo and our brothers. That seemed to settle them down again.
Naively I found myself hoping that this one would be allowed to live. That somehow Leo would come to rescue us and this hell would finally end… I wanted to be a family with Leo…
I wished to be in his arms as he hushed me. I wanted him by my side, I wanted to have this little one. For this one, out of all of the others, to live and grow.
Like that would ever happen…
Leo wouldn't hold me like he used to. Not as I am now.
The memory of the last small lifeless form I had seen them disposing of. It ripped my heart open and made me curl around my swell.
Like I had any power to save this one…
Maybe this time I will be allowed to join them…
