Defining Moments

by Joan Powers

Summary: Chakotay experiences mixed emotions when Kathryn unexpectedly kisses him. Could this be the beginning of the relationship that he'd dreamed of? Or would this slam the door shut on any future possibilities? Janeway/Chakotay angst/romance

A/N: This story was partly inspired by the fanfic "Accidents" by EbonySolcum. I love the idea that their relationship could gradually evolve from simple, everyday moments.

When Kathryn's lips first brushed against his, Chakotay was stunned. As much as he'd longed for it, he'd long ago given up hope for any semblance of a romantic relationship between them. And most likely, he reminded himself, this moment would be all too brief. He could easily envision her quickly pulling away, her cheeks slightly flushed with embarrassment, pretending that that the kiss had never happened and then offering some flimsy excuse to scurry away.

He didn't think he could handle that.

Yet, fool that he was, his emotions hijacked his higher reasoning, taking control, dictating his response. Rather than acting preemptively, holding back to protect himself, he enthusiastically participated, leaning into the kiss, overjoyed when she delicately parted his lips with her tongue. Putting his arms about her shoulders, he yanked her closer as he continued to deepen the kiss, intertwining his tongue with hers. Rather than sitting side by side on the couch in his quarters as they had been, she was now perched on his lap.

Kissing Kathryn Janeway was as amazing as he dreamed it would be. The faint peach smell of her hair, the softness of her skin, her faint taste of coffee, her soft moans of contentment. He drank deeply of her, running his hands along her back, fully aware that this most likely would never occur again.

His relationship with Kathryn had been rocky since the Equinox debacle. However, they'd gradually made amends. They were once again getting together for dinner or drinks. Yet he tried not to read too much into her actions. While he was pleased their friendship was more firmly grounded, he'd suppressed any expectation that she would allow herself to develop deeper feelings for him.

In recent weeks, she'd started spending more time in his quarters. In the evening, the two of them would silently review reports or read for pleasure, keeping each other company. One night she'd even leaned her head against his shoulder. While he enjoyed it, even then, he hadn't allowed himself to expect more. That was Kathryn's MO, he cautioned himself. She'd step forward, growing closer to him, and then she'd get frightened and retreat, with negative net progress.

She felt so good in his arms. So soft and shapely. As much as he was enjoying kissing her, memorizing her taste and texture, they were going to have to break apart for air soon.

And then it would be over.

Possibly for good.

Her bold actions might scare her so badly that she'd cut him off completely, insisting upon keeping their relationship strictly professional. It broke his heart that she stubbornly refused to allow herself to pursue happiness while at the same time, she'd encourage anyone else to do so.

Growing desperate for oxygen, he reluctantly pulled back. After inhaling deeply, he was delighted when she lunged towards him, capturing his mouth with hers, continuing what she'd started. This time, tenderly touching his face and running her fingers through his hair.

He always thought if they ever became a couple that it would start more formally, perhaps with an official date on the holodeck. Dinner at a fancy restaurant or dancing. A gift of expensive jewelry or some other significant item. Not that he was that kind of man, but Kathryn was the caliber of woman that warranted courting.

Even sharing their first kiss in a beautiful setting such as an alien shoreline at sunset or at a holographic recreation of some majestic waterfall would be more appropriate to the grandeur of such an occasion.

A defining moment.

Perhaps he wasn't as pragmatic as he'd thought.

Or, since life in the Delta Quadrant had never been normal, he could imagine some drastic scenario such as one of them nearly dying in an explosion or wrenched away to some distant alien prison with no possibility of parole. Or contracting a fatal alien disease. Any of those situations might elicit a desperate declaration of love or at the very least, a kiss.

Then again, knowing Kathryn and her concern for propriety, her fear of losing control, if she had an audience, even under such dire circumstances, she might feel compelled to take her feelings to her grave, rather than air them for all to hear.

He wondered what it would take for Kathryn to allow herself to love him.

What would that moment look like?

He feared it would be years, even decades later, when Earth finally appeared on Voyager's viewscreen.

Could he wait that long?

She lowered her head to trail kisses along his neck while her hands found their way beneath his shirt, caressing his warm flesh. He shivered with delight. Such exquisite torture. How long could he allow this to continue, not knowing the consequences?

He decided he didn't care as he pulled her closer, his fingers hovering by the edge of her shirt, ready to yank it loose.

"Captain"

Kathryn's body became rigid as she wrenched herself away to respond to her combadge.

"Yes, Tuvok"

"There's an unusual fluctuation in the warp engine."

"I'll stop by engineering."

"That is not necessary. I just thought you should be aware."

Chakotay agreed with Tuvok, but Kathryn had always been very hands on when it came to her ship.

"I'll review the details with B'Elanna. Thank you, Tuvok."

Chakotay supposed that being interrupted was inevitable. And the perfect excuse for her. He felt like an idiot that he was crushed. He took several deep breaths, trying to compose himself, steeling himself for her predictable response.

The ship came first. He'd been a captain, he understood that. It had to be that way. Yet, while he understood, it was still disappointing.

Now that she'd come to her senses, Kathryn began her retreat, artfully untangling her limbs from his. Like New Earth, memories of this moment would be locked away and never discussed. She wouldn't allow herself such a gross lapse in judgement again.

Her professional mask was firmly in place. It was almost frightening how quickly that transition had taken place. She rose, smoothing her hair and adjusting her uniform.

He couldn't look at her anymore.

He was trying to regroup, embarrassed that he wasn't nearly as masterful at concealing his feelings as she was. At this moment, unless Voyager was under attack by aliens or literally falling apart, he could care less about his duties.

He should ask her if she needed his assistance in engineering, but he couldn't bring himself to do it, worried that his voice would crack with regret for what was slipping away from him. He wanted to both savor that wonderful stolen moment and lick his wounds, anticipating the dismissal that surely would follow.

"Chakotay?"

How had he allowed himself to get into this position? He'd been in love before. Yet it had never been this all-consuming. There had always been an escape hatch. He'd never felt like there was nothing left for him after breaking up with other women. Or that he would willingly do anything for them.

"Come here"

It was spoken as a request, rather than a command from the Captain. She'd moved toward the entrance to his quarters.

Reluctantly he approached, having trouble meeting her gaze, trying to preserve his dignity by hiding how much her denial would devastate him.

"Breakfast at 0800?"

"Sure"

He half-heartedly responded, anxious for her to leave so he could perform damage control. Meditation? Maybe a vision quest? Or beating the hell out of something in the gym?

Certainly, life would reset to normal by morning. They'd discuss reports, and ship gossip. He'd tease her about drinking too much coffee and not eating enough. They'd make jokes about Neelix's latest culinary efforts. With pleasant expressions plastered on their faces, they'd talk about anything and everything, except about what had just happened.

He didn't know if he would be ready to accept that.

Why couldn't he be content with her friendship? Given their circumstances, he was lucky to have found love in any form. Why couldn't he just appreciate that?

She stepped closer to him, perching on her toes and reaching for his cheek, startling him. She tilted his head towards hers and gently kissed him on the mouth.

"See you then." She smiled.

The sparkle in her eyes set his heart ablaze.

This was it!

THE END