*Author's note: I do not own Beverly Hills 90210 or it's characters.*
*Also special shoutout to CrystalPersuasion and MisAleksandra. Thanks so much for reading and alwahs reviewing. I truly appreciate it and love hearing your thoughts.*
Spending time with Annie at the theatre was a much needed distraction after the events of the evening. It allowed Brenda time to reign in her emotions and put them back into the box inside her mind that stored the pain and reminders of her first love, though the distant hum in her veins from being close to him refused to hide as easily.
She'd gotten to know Annie in the meantime, who came to LA early because she and her boyfriend were fighting. She'd said that they were having disagreements about her constantly being on tour for plays. Annie's boyfriend found her growing absence difficult, and felt it may be pulling them in different directions for their future. Regardless of that, they loved each other deeply, and they'd decided they would take a little time apart to figure out if continuing their relationship was still something they both wanted. Annie decided that she would rather spend the time here in LA instead of home in New York, where she shared an apartment with him. Brenda was actually glad for it, she enjoyed having a friend here that was familiar, and knew nothing of her past here in Beverly Hills.
To be honest, she didn't have many close friends anymore. From Minnesota, to Beverly Hills, to London, and now New York, it was hard for her to keep ties when relocating every few years since she was 16. In New York she has mostly acquaintances, a few close theatre friends, and of course her very best friend, her sister and roommate Valerie Malone. She sat that night after returning from the theatre listening to the message.
"Bren, hey. Listen I think your plan to pass through undetected has been derailed..Mr. Selfish called me. He...well he says he thinks he saw you? He seemed unsure yet also…oddly sure? Anyway he was looking for information about you. I, of course, being such an angel was very nice to him and kindly told him where he could shove it. I told him that you weren't in LA, but well, I thought you should know that he suspects…stay low, be the badass you are, and don't let anyone jerk you around. I'm coming."
Listening to the message, she was filled with dread, but she was not at all surprised. Brenda knew that if she felt him, then he had undoubtedly felt her as well. She and Dylan had often discussed their ability to sense the nearness of the other, the buzz under their skin that hummed when they were close to each other. It's something that had never changed with them, regardless of their relationship status. It seemed to still ring true, despite the time and space that separated them for the last 4 years.
Brenda called her back and did her best to de-escalate Val's worry over the phone, attempting to convince her that a trip to LA was unnecessary. However like herself, Val is a force of nature. Once she makes up her mind, there is no changing it.
"Bren, there's no way in hell I'm leaving you out there alone now. I should have been on that flight with you in the first place." Val argued.
"Val I didn't let you come because it's not needed. Yes there was a close call, but I didn't see his face and he didn't see mine. What are the odds of that happening again?"
Val interrupted her, "With you two it's-"
"Val. No one knows I'm here, and you've confirmed to him that I wasn't. I'm avoiding every where I know they would be, staying in LA, and haven't gone into Beverly Hills except to visit my parents. Besides, Brandon will be here in 2 days, Chace will be joining me soon as well. I've got this. You don't need to put your life on hold to come have my back this time." Brenda tried to reassure her.
Val scoffed over the phone, "Oh okay, Boy Scout Brandon, the honorary brother of Sleaze himself who keeps giving him pass after pass. That makes me feel loads better Bren. And Chace? Come on I like the guy and he's gorgeous I'll give him that, but the man will concede to whatever you tell him. You know I love you, but he has no back bone when it comes to you. He's like an obediant well-trained puppy. "
"That's not fair." Brenda tried to defend her fiancé even though she knew Val was right, he didn't challenge Brenda very often. It wasn't that she was bossy or controlling it's just that he never called her out.
"Sorry, Bren. I call em like I see em, you know that. He'll do and say what he thinks you want him to, to make you happy, but he won't tell you the cold hard truth. Besides. I'm sure your fiancé would love to play buffer with your ex." Val's ranting skills were truly top notch when she was annoyed. "Someone has to be there to make sure you are protected from others AND yourself if shit goes sideways. Someone that's NOT afraid to upset you or get their hands dirty."
"And of course that someone would have to be you." Brenda sighs into the phone, accepting defeat. "You're not going to let this go are you?"
"Not a chance, I'll see you Wednesday." And with that, Val hung up, leaving Brenda to reflect on how very wrong this could all go.
Brenda took a deep breath and tried to center herself. She thought about her sister, and even though she was nervous for what might lie ahead, she was grateful that Val was so willing to come and rush to her side. Her and Val were best friends when they were growing up in Minnesota. They'd always been fiercely protective of each other whilst simultaneously driving one another crazy, as siblings do. They teamed up on Brandon often, and were constantly causing mischief together. Where Val was more reckless and unbothered, she was more logical and level headed. They balanced each other perfectly, and she was the only one who could tame Val even in the slightest. Both women were unpredictable, confident, self-aware, and secure. Their friendship was solid, supportive, genuine, and rooted in honesty. A vast difference from the female friendships she'd tried to make in Beverly Hills which held very little support or honesty, and were tainted with fear, jealousy, insecurities, and competition.
Brenda thought about how grateful she was when she and Val reconnected again instantly in New York, as if no time had passed at all. If anything, their relationship was even stronger now. Having learned from life's challenges and experiencing disingenuous friendships with others, they were able to build an unbreakable bond. Brandon would joke that the two grown up powerhouse strong-willed women could acheive world domination if they wanted to.
Brenda smiled to herself knowing that she would be seeing her sister soon. She loved and trusted Val completely. She knew she would have her back always, without judgement, without ulterior motives, and she would always tell her the truth, even when it sucked. She loved her unconditionally. She knew that whe was safe to open up and be vulnerable to her. In fact, it was Val that had helped her work through the crushing pain that she was still facing 2 years after losing the love of her life.
Brenda let out a frustrated groan that came out almost as a scream. She walked over to the kitchen of her Beverly Royale suite and poured herself a glass of wine. She didn't know what would happen in the weeks to come. She thought she could visit quickly and quietly without disrupting her life and opening up old wounds. But of course not. Because that would be just too easy wouldn't it? Her hope for a discreet visit only lasted 1 measly day before it all came crashing down. Just in the time since her plane landed, she was already flooded with memories she'd long since tried to forget, and nearly ran into the last person she ever wanted to.
Dylan McKay. Her first love, her epic romance, the love of her life—there are countless ways to describe the man she had always seen as her other half. Iris often remarked that they were twin flames, destined to unite because they shared the same soul. Brenda once believed this wholeheartedly. They had forged a deep connection that endured through years of challenges and mistakes.
From the very beginning, their intensity was evident. Their relationship began when they were just teenagers, driven by a whirlwind of emotions and a connection that felt electric and undeniable. Dylan was the first boy to ever make her feel confident. Strong. He made her feel sexy. Her knew her inside and out, better than anyone else, even her own twin brother. He knew that she was strong, but he also knew how fragile she could be. She never let anyone else see that, but for some reason she felt safe letting Dylan into her world completely. Like he was always meant to be there. She wanted him to know her. She remembered how special he used to make her feel, like he only had eyes for her.
The way he chose to let her in past all the bravado and defenses he put up for everyone else made her feel important. Like he needed her. From the moment they met Brenda always saw something in Dylan that he didn't see in himself, as if she had a unique lens that allowed only her to see his true potential for greatness. He'd trusted her and her only to truly see him. He was charismatic, fun, loving, sweet, romantic, creative, and insanely intelligent. Dylan sometimes struggled to see these things in himself because she'd seen that he also held a certain darkness within him. He had a habit on focusing on his flaws, his insecurities. He had lived a tough life, and it left a mark on him. A stain that wouldn't be scrubbed away. But Brenda knew what potential and greatness he was capable of. And the fact that he trusted her with who he truly was only proved to enhance how much she loved and trusted him. She'd felt things for him emotionally and physically on a level that she had never experienced before.
But with such intensity came vulnerability and fear. It was a bond so immense that it often left both of them feeling overwhelmed and, at times, frightened by the depth of their feelings. Back then, they were both trying to navigate through the storm of emotions that came with being young and in love, often stumbling along the way.
Their love for each other was so profound that it occasionally frightened them both. Each had a history of running away—sometimes as a means of self-defense, and other times as a way to test their bond. They pushed the limits to see how far their connection could stretch and to demonstrate its strength.
Despite everything they had endured and the distances they had created between them, no matter how they pulled apart, they always came back together. They shared roles as lovers, family, and sometimes just as best friends. Regardless of the label, they had always been there for each other. At least, that was how it used to be. Now, they might as well be strangers.
Flashback
Brenda stands frozen in the doorway, her heart aching with a mix of disbelief and sorrow. She can still hear Dylan's footsteps fading down the hall, each step echoing like a distant thunder in her mind. She leans against the doorframe, trying to steady her breath, but the tears come anyway, unbidden and relentless.
As she looks around the room, everything feels different—emptier. The framed photos on the shelf, filled with smiling faces and shared moments, now seem to mock her with their silent memories. She walks over to the couch, where they spent countless nights making love, talking and dreaming about the future, and sinks into the cushions, feeling the weight of his absence.
Brenda's mind races with questions and memories, replaying their last conversation over and over.
She'd come home early from rehearsal to find an anxious Dylan, her heart pounding in her chest as she watched him stuffing clothes haphazardly into a worn duffel bag. The sight was surreal, as if she had stepped into someone else's life for a moment.
"Dylan, what are you doing?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper, tinged with disbelief.
He paused, his back still turned to her. She could see the tension in his shoulders, the way they seemed to carry the weight of a decision long debated. When he finally turned around, his eyes were filled with a mixture of sadness and resolve.
She watched him as he stood there, his face a complex tapestry of emotions, each thread interwoven with memories that once brought them joy. His words hung in the air, a heavy cloud of finality that settled uncomfortably in her chest. "I can't do this anymore, Brenda," he said, each word heavy with emotion. "It's just gotten to be too hard."
Brenda's heart ached, a deep, persistent throb that seemed to echo his own turmoil. "I see. So you're leaving? Were you even going to say goodbye?" He looks down, unable to meet her eyes. A look of guilt flashes across his face and something else…shame?
"I left a note."
Brenda's eyes widen with a mix of confusion and concern. "A note? Dylan, you were going to leave me with nothing but a note? Why would you do that?" she asked, trying to keep her voice steady despite the whirlwind of emotions swirling inside her.
Flash
Brenda sighed heavily, taking deep breaths, trying her hardest to push back down the memory of the worst moment of her life. Why couldn't she make it go away? It was like a film in her mind that was stuck on repeat. Having felt him so close to her even without seeing his face had threatened to undo all the work she had done to try to forget him and move on. She had moved on. With someone that chose her. But here she was, drowning herself in the memory of someone that didn't choose her. That never chose her. The memory playing again on repeat like a record that kept skipping.
Flash
Brenda looked at him in disbelief, her mind foggy with the realization that was hitting her like a ton of bricks. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears as she reached out, her voice quivering but determined. "Look Dylan, I understand why you think you have to do this, but you don't. Whatever it is, you don't have to struggle with it on your own. We are stronger...better together, I think we've proven that."She paused, searching his face for any sign of hope, any indication that her words might sway his heart, but she only saw his resolve, and intense brown eyes that seemed cold in a way they never have before. Not to her.
Soft tears started to fall down her cheeks as she tried again. "I'm not going to beg you to stay. But I am asking you to fight for us, like I want to. I am asking you to choose us. Choose me. Because I never want to be without you. But if you give up, if you leave again..." She sobbed softly and took a deep breath to compose herself. "If you leave again, Dylan, I have to let you go. Really let you go. " She said through heavy tears, "I won't be able to pick up the pieces this time. We won't have another chance. If you walk away now, that'll just be it. It'll just be over, forever. Because I wouldn't survive this again. I can't."
Brenda looks desperately into his eyes for some indication that the severity of her words were sinking in. She wasn't giving him an ultimatum, but she had to make sure he knew that she couldn't be the only one fighting for them. She didn't say anything that was untrue. Losing him would shatter her. If she even survived this, she couldn't sit around after he left waiting and hoping that one day he would decide to come back. That hope would only devastate her more.
"Choose us, Dylan. Don't leave." She took a step closer to the man that consumed her entire being, love in her eyes, asking the silent question, hoping that he would finally choose her.
Dylan took a step toward her and reached his hand to her face. He grazed the back of his knuckles down her cheek softly, staring into her eyes the way only he could. He then leaned in slowly, and kissed her forehead, lingering there for a long moment, as if he was memorizing what it was like to be near her. He pulled back slowly and looked at her with his own unshed tears. He nodded slowly, and took a step backwards, his face distorting into something like agony as he slowly turned away from her. He grabbed his packed duffle bag, and walked away from her. Out of their apartment door. Out of her life forever, leaving her alone to crumble to pieces.
Flash
Brenda wiped the tears that had fallen with the memory. No matter how much time had passed, the pain still felt fresh. It wasn't a scar, something leftover that lingered after time only as a reminder of the pain that occured. No. This pain was like an open wound that wouldn't heal. She could stitch it together, patch it up, but she could never get it to close enough to begin the healing process. Maybe that's because the knife was still inside.
That day, she buried her relationship with Dylan and her faith in love along with it. He'd left her, again. She was a fool, again. For years after that she trusted no one. She built a tower around herself, allowed no one inside. She had to be stone. Truthfully any relationship after Dylan just seemed like an illusion of love. She knew she had already known the truest, purest love, but he snatched it from her. Twice. He'd left her cold. The warmth he usually surrounded her with was replaced with a heavy cold feeling. Like ice in her veins. For a long time, she felt hollow. Sometimes she still did. Her life was full, but something was missing and she knew what it was. The void Dylan left would never be filled because it wasn't supposed to be. He was meant to be hers and when he left he took part of her with him.
Brenda resigned to herself that any person she was with now would be a shadow of the love she knew with Dylan. She wouldn't lie to herself or try to convince herself otherwise. She knew how rare a love like theirs was. But what could she do? Dylan was gone. Leaving her in London and everything that's happened since proved he made his choice. It wasn't her. It never was. So Brenda made her own choice, to leave him behind too, and try to move forward, and love as best she could in her bruised state.
She loved Chace. She truly did. She loved him as much as a broken heart would allow, especially when that damaged heart was meant for someone else. She'd tried her best to be fair to him but she knew she didn't let him in fully. She kept parts of herself hidden. She could be fragile, but never in front of him. She wouldn't allow herself the luxury of full vulnerability again. She can't. But she also couldn't live her life based on the mountain of distrust that was created by Dylan either. Chace deserved better than that.
Ugh! I'm such a mess right now. Get it together, Brenda.
She downed the rest of her glass of wine quickly before pouring a second glass. She wasn't a big drinker but after the day she had she was glad she had a stocked bar in her hotel suite. She made her way to the bathroom to run herself a bath, desperate to wash the day and memories away. After spending close to an hour in the tub, Brenda got out and rang Chace to tell him goodnight. He answered after 2 rings.
"Hi sweetheart, I missed you today. How's it going over there?" He greeted her sweetly.
Brenda took a calming breath. It was actually good to hear his voice, like a soothing jolt back to reality. "Great. Smooth sailing so far." She lied. "What about you? How's New York?"
"Lonely without you." He said sweetly.
Brenda chuckled and playfully rolled her eyes even though he couldn't see her, "Chace it's been like 36 hours since you saw me."
"Really? Feels like 72 hours at LEAST." He joked.
She continued talking with Chace for the next half hour. She didn't tell him Val was coming. She didn't tell him about her ex. She spent the time catching up and chatting like usual. It brought her a sense of comfort, a normal she was desperate to get back to as quickly as she could. When they hung up, Brenda sighed as she put down the phone. She picked up her pen, deciding that writing in her journal might help to clear some of the thoughts swirling in her mind. Maybe releasing it all out on paper would help the memories fade back into the background.
Awww. Poor Brenda. That was just a little peak into what happened in London but here's a hint, that's not the full conversation. There's way more to it and a lot of layers and of course we will get insight into Dylan's reasoning and his side. She wasn't giving him an ultimatum, he was already leaving her. But once you see the full conversation and how events unfolded you'll understand her reasoning a little more. She was trying to get him to stay, but she also needs to protect herself.
Up next, we catch up Dylan, and thenwe have a reunion. But with who? Next Chapter will be up this weekend!
