This chapter really fought back and tried to knife me in an alley. Fortunately, I'm nah I'd win, with this treasure I summon Domain Expansion and his overwhelming intensity!
[Hey. I know there are better ways to do this, and that I didn't really give you the time you deserved. And that things might be shitty, and it's okay if my problems made it too uncomfortable. But, if this is still your number, I need you to know something.]
[Nope, wrong number]
[This is no longer the cute, intelligent, charismatic, and charming kouhai you had in your contacts]
[Sorry, good chances only come once in a lifetime y'know]
[Oh, thank goodness. I honestly expected you to change numbers or to block me, Isshiki.]
[Yui-san tried to contact me yesterday too, and then the other senpais]
[And it's like, what's going on~? Is this my big break, that even people from high school wanna hang out with me again?]
[Sorry. For leaving you hanging.]
[Are you, really? Somehow, I don't believe it]
[Feels like you want something]
[Yes, I need to talk to you.]
[See? Ever the gentleman, huh]
[It's important.]
[Nope]
[If you wanna talk, you know what you have to do~]
[Fine. Take your pick, and the day. My treat.]
[Eh? Just like that? Is Senpai, perhaps, a little better with the ladies now? Whatever should I do~?]
[Fine. I GUESS I can give poor ol' senpai a chance to spoil his cute (former) kouhai]
[Just this once]
[Let me get some free time and I'll tell you when and where, 'kay?]
[A pleasure doing business with you, Isshiki-sama.]
With winter leaving, the need for a jacket or any sweater quickly disappeared. And the heat meant that Hachiman could, in theory, get away with wearing anything outside without being chewed by Komachi or anyone else. "It's too warm for that!" would become his go-to answer whenever someone criticized his fashion sense, whether it made sense or not. But, knowing the foxy girl he was going to meet, he at least tried to look presentable and not wear some random t-shirt he'd wear at home.
Not that the teasing wouldn't be welcome. It felt like forever since Hachiman had seen his kouhai for the last time. And he honestly could use the change of pace, go back to what had once filled his days with something other than emptiness and coldness.
Not that he had too much of that nowadays. It felt like the days he spent in his thoughts were shorter, with more to the time he spent at home than just relieving the same ten minutes of his life. Trying to see what could've been… There was more to do, more things to wonder, to care about… To worry about. Because no matter what change Hoshino brought into his life; her own was still a mess that Hachiman couldn't look away from.
Even though in recent days he'd seen nothing but her images and commercials where she appeared. Tied to the supposedly "slowing down" working ethic of her bosses-slash-parents. Beside—
[heeeeyyy~ r u free today?]
Oh, for real? Now of all times? Why not the day before, or sooner in the morning? Not that he'd be able to cancel. Never mind Isshiki's reaction, it'd leave a sour taste in his mouth to treat her like that just because Hoshino had suddenly become available.
[Sorry, I have an appointment today. Will you be freer from now on or is today a surprise slow day?]
Like, okay. They had only texted since they ate together at Saitou's place like… A couple of months ago? And she might remind him from time to time that he promised to spend some time with her but it'd been years since he last saw Isshiki and—
Hachiman stopped in his tracks; lips pressed together while disappointment in himself crept from his chest. What was his problems? He already said no, Hoshino would understand as someone who was usually either too busy or too tired to do anything. Why did it bother him so much?
[myk-san told me last minute]
[just today]
Damn… Just his luck.
…
Her luck. Just her luck. She'd been the one to bring up hanging out, so the disappointment fell squarely on her shoulders. Yup, that made sense. At least enough to have Hachiman remind himself that fact while he resumed heading out, making sure that he brought enough money just in case his kouhai had some "funny" ideas just to mess with him.
At this point, he'd gladly put up with it if that meant that their relationship could go back to what it once was. But even though her texts gave him good expectations, Hachiman bitterly reminded himself that such a thing was closer to a delusion than anything.
Time moved on; people changed. There was no reason for Isshiki to remain stationary, not like Hachiman did at least. He'd have to accept that fact, even if they hit it off well enough. He'd have to accept that he stopped paying attention, that he neglected the connections that remained, and that it would always matter. That it'd always paint his relationships in a different light, no matter what happened from then on.
Sad? Maybe. But a grim reminder to keep moving was, probably, better than none at all and going back to bad habits. So that, too, was something he'd put up no matter what.
It was only his fault, after all. He had no right to complain.
"Kaw!" As if to agree with him, one of the birds that had gathered made a call which went unanswered. Logic dictated that these things should be smart, so the sounds they made would be communication attempts. So why, pray tell, would one make noise with neither a reason nor an answer from any of the other birds? It really felt targeted, all things considered. Although Hachiman couldn't even be sure that the birds registered him as an individual.
Those things were… Weird. Sometimes it felt like they were intently watching him, sometimes like they simply were attracted to something else.
The smell of a carcass, and someone soon to die. Like carrion birds circling an injured and old animal. Maybe it was his close encounter with death. But, even before the birds started gathering around him, Hachiman hadn't completely shrugged off the feeling of not being wholly alive anymore. Like he simply hadn't noticed that his time had already run out.
"Ugh…" Dark thoughts aside, his little trip to the more commercial side of Chiba made him nervous. Of course, for all the reasons that plagued his mind already. So he considered treating himself to some delicious canned coffee to calm his nerves and let himself be comfortable in his clothes.
He was summoned, not the other way around. He was supposed to be there, he was expected to, and Isshiki wouldn't leave him hanging without a good reason. He had to repeat these thoughts like a mantra, for they were insidious and rarely left him alone for long. The feeling of inadequacy was one he'd grown used to for even longer than he'd stopped talking to Yui; and, in spite of what Hiratsuka or any of his friends would assure him, he knew for a fact that he'd never quite escape it. For as long as he lived, it'd eventually come back. Ever stronger.
But he'd continued on, kept on living. Doubt was an old acquaintance, if an annoying one, so Hachiman knew how to combat it. With different results each time, given how sometimes his own mind put him down. But Hachiman had always been a negative person, he knew that bad things were more likely to happen. So not fighting these thoughts just because he didn't always win was ridiculous.
If wrong and evil were the default settings of life, then it made sense to fight for right and good. If it was the nature of the "positive" to be an uphill battle, then… Didn't that at least mean that there was a sense of direction in life?
Or maybe none of these things worked even remotely like that. Maybe Hachiman was badly coping with his anxiety, trying to put into words something indescribable; trying to make sense of the senseless.
But if experiences and feelings could be described so easily… Would they still be meaningful? Wasn't Hachiman's life one marked by the things that weren't easy?
Or maybe that was just the curse of someone who'd been taught by life to always second-guess his every move, every single detail he could pick up no matter how small. From himself, from others. From a world that always seemed so enthusiastic in hurting him.
So many things to worry about, and yet so little time… He looked up, to the cable lines and rooftops, but the birds offered neither answers or help.
Priorities, Hachiman. He didn't gather the courage to message Isshiki just to trip on his own thoughts. Things could go right, or they could go wrong, but he had a mission. And, just like with Hoshino, the goal was more important than his own hangups.
Putting aside his feelings was, if nothing else, something he had had to do from time to time throughout his life.
There were simply things far too big to deal with to let such trivialities get in the way, too life-changing to let a bleeding heart blindside him.
Right. For now, he'd just wait in the spot that Isshiki told him about. He'd gather his courage, have a pleasant outing, and when the mood was right, he'd—
"Hey." A girl's voice reached his left ear accompanied with a tap on the shoulder. Hachiman snapped out of his thoughts, turning his face before trying to move, only to get his cheek poked by the girl's finger. "Gotcha! Gosh. You're way too defenseless, Senpai~"
Isshiki Iroha had changed in the time they hadn't seen each other. A bit like Yui. But whereas the bubbly nice girl had seemingly aged and become a little less cheerful, Isshiki had finished her transformation into a young lady.
"O-Oh… It's you." Hachiman took a step back, heart slowly coming back from its trip to his throat, as he took in the young woman that Isshiki had become.
Her hair was longer, and a lot of the roundness that her face still had had was replaced by more angular features. A young adult's face instead of that of a teenager, an "almost adult's" now that Hachiman was older. She wore a denim dress with a skirt that covered midway down her thighs, and that exposed her shoulders and neck to the spring's sun.
Fortunately, the cheeky way she smiled at him hadn't changed. One way or another, she still made it work in spite of lacking some of the innocence that being a high school girl had naturally granted her.
"Man, as lame as ever… What am I going to do with you~?" Isshiki pouted, turning around to face perpendicularly from Hachiman. But soon enough she turned her gaze toward him again with a small smile. "Well, I guess I'll let it slide today. Given that you're finally here."
The last comment sounded like pure teasing, with no malice behind it. Or at least with as little as Isshiki was capable of; but it still resonated in the deepest corner of Hachiman's mind.
He erased the surprised and nervousness from his face and voice, like they'd never been there, when his mind accepted what he had to do.
"Sorry to make you wait." Hachiman stated, lowering his head with some shame. "I'm back."
Isshiki's smile grew a little more.
"Yes, welcome back."
Walking around the mall and following after a girl looking around shops was… Honestly more fulfilling than Hachiman remembered. Seeing Isshiki talk about whether an accessory looked good with her outfit, or if she should buy yet another (her own words) purse that worked with it but did so a little different.
Not that Hachiman could understand her excitement, not really. But seeing someone who he'd thought a lost relationship still made him have a pleasant enough time. Remembering how they went out from time to time, hearing her make jokes or witty comments… Hachiman felt like he had gone back to a better time. A time where things were easier.
"Man, I'm beat…" Isshiki sighed with relief once they sat down after getting an ice-cream in the fast-food area. She leaned onto the back rest of her seat, letting one of her hands hang behind her while smiling to herself.
"If you wanted to check so many stores, why did you bring sandals?" Hachiman asked while also letting his body relax a bit.
"Eh, they go well with this dress. You don't even know that? Senpai really hasn't changed…" Isshiki scoffed, forsaking cuteness for teasing before taking a lick of her cone.
"Sorry for not making a habit of going out a lot." Hachiman scoffed back, although he didn't really put a lot of effort in defending himself.
"Heh… You lost contact with everyone?" His ex-kouhai asked with more seriousness.
"No. I still hang out with Zaimokuza, Ebina, Saika… Sometimes Miura and I've seen Kawasaki a couple of times." He narrowed his eyes, trying to recall if he was actually telling the truth. "And recently, I reconnected with Yui-san."
"'San', huh…" Isshiki cradled her chin, suddenly becoming fully focused. Leaning forward while she narrowed her eyes. "I see, I see."
Hachiman looked away.
"I… Don't really feel comfortable talking as freely to her as I used to."
"No, that's okay. I get it. Senpai's surprisingly maiden-hearted when it comes to these things." Isshiki took another lick of her ice-cream absentmindedly, still looking at Hachiman with an evaluating gaze.
Hachiman raised an eyebrow, only a little annoyed.
"It just looks like that because of how rotten you are." He rolled his eyes while talking, sounding a little grumpier than intended. "You might be cute, but your heart is the same as I remember."
"Eh?! A back-handed compliment?! Senpai, I know a lot of girls that would melt due to the gap moe; but I didn't know you had sharpened your skills to this extent… Dangerous!" Isshiki showed faux surprise until the last part, when she smiled again while enjoying her treat. "But, well, you still have ways to go. Too much tsun, too little dere. It might be a little less lame than your usual attempts, but you're still too green for it to work~"
"Good or bad? Make up your mind." Hachiman clicked his tongue.
"Better-ish. You just took me by surprise, that's all." Isshiki beamed, being as cheeky as usual before her features softened up a moment later. "Or, well, I just wasn't ready. I missed talking to you like this."
"Sorry to be such a disappointment." Hachiman looked down at his hands on the table.
"Eh, I'm used to it." Isshiki shrugged.
"Hey—"
"But I believed in you." Isshiki snapped her fingers, making a finger gun at Hachiman while talking. "And you're here. Late, but here. You've never let me down when I needed you."
Hachiman looked up, seeing Isshiki's unfiltered tone while she pretended to focus on her ice-cream.
It made him feel… Warm. A little better about himself.
"Thanks."
"Don't thank me. It's not like I don't understand how rough things can be." She shrugged while looking away, at the people walking by. Going about their day. "You needed time and space, that's all. I get that."
Hachiman nodded, although he wasn't sure he could accept her words entirely. Not because they sounded fake, but because it felt too convenient to his pessimistic mind.
"Sorry for ignoring you."
"It's not like I could've made things better." Isshiki sighed, quickly getting tired of the way the conversation was going. "Having people look after you all the time can be suffocating too. If nothing else, I just kept going. I should've checked on you from time to time…"
"I'm not your responsibility." Hachiman assured her.
Isshiki gave him an amused smile.
"It's funny how you think you're the only one who should look out for people, but I guess that's part of how dumb you are." His foxy ex-kouhai giggled. "I don't hate that part of you, trying to be all brave and masculine."
"I wouldn't… That's not how it is." Hachiman didn't know if he felt embarrassed or annoyed anymore, so he struggled to defend himself from the comment. "I didn't manage to do anything in the end."
"Well, not everyone can be young and successful!" Isshiki brought her hand to her hair and pushed it away like some sort of diva. Acting cool for the sake of an imaginary camera that only she could perceive. "Be glad I made time for you, Senpai. I'm a busy girl, you see."
"Eh… So I've heard." Hachiman straightened his back. Silently grateful for the change of topic. "An utaite, huh. Since when did you learn to sing?"
"I sing good since…" Isshiki was about to keep bragging, but suddenly stopped herself and lost all the bashfulness that she'd carried. "Ummm, well… You remember going to the karaoke with everyone?"
Yes, Yukino always floored everyone… Like with most things.
"Eh… Don't tell me…" Hachiman became a little smug, leaning forward as Isshiki made herself smaller in contrast. "That 'I'll beat you for real~!' from back then… Did you take the challenge seriously?"
"At least you don't cringe when Yukino-san is brought into the picture…" Isshiki muttered to herself, but her words made Hachiman push himself back onto the backrest.
"It's… Complicated." Hachiman looked away, tapping the table twice with a finger.
"It always is with you." Isshiki sighed. "But yes, we practiced with Yui-san for a bit. Got a little good, kept going to sing with my friends… And you know how I'm cute and charismatic?"
"Eh… Did you have such attributes in your status screen?"
"…Not that I expected those rotten eyes to see gold when it's in front of them, but whatever." Isshiki huffed. "One of my friends was trying to stream, and one thing led to another. Sometimes I still play online with her. Keeps fresh numbers coming in. But singing is way easier than learning whatever shooter is popular nowadays every other week."
An online presence, huh… Looked healthier than whatever Hoshino's group had going, at least. Although Hachiman couldn't ignore how surface-level his understanding of all that was.
Damn, was that how being an old man felt? Since when was he so out of touch with trends and stuff? Huh? Since forever? Well, that was no good~
"So that's how it is…"
"That's a pretty lame reaction. I'm kinda famous, y'know. I'm an online celebrity." Isshiki puffed her chest, grinning at Hachiman. "Or do you still think of me as your cute little kouhai? I know Senpai is a melancholic person, but I'd still say that living in the past is no good~"
"I do remember you as a little troublemaker." Hachiman rolled his eyes, trying to avoid acknowledging the topic about fame.
It wasn't like he didn't find it impressive. He distinctively remembered Isshiki being cutely serious about music while everyone was joking around, as part of the vibe when they hung out. That she'd stuck to it was, if nothing else, very surprising. And it actually made Hachiman proud, seeing how something that he looked back fondly shaped Isshiki's life like that. It was like seeing Zaimokuza and Ebina stick to drawing and writing, except with a lot less proofreading, yelling, and cringing at the random stuff that they sometimes uploaded to whatever site they used.
Yes, his memories were bitter. Shaped and contorted by the absence of yet another unreachable, invincible superwoman. But, well, just like with his reaction to Isshiki's popularity; Hoshino's existence shaped his thoughts back into something resembling peace.
His life had been good, all things considered. Looking at Hoshino, slowly learning where she came from, made him even more bitter at himself for not realizing this sooner. When you are a teenager, everything is new and the most awful thing that had ever happened to you. Hormones were firing up into your body, making things even more difficult, and you'd yet to shake off the innocence of childhood completely. Creating a cocktail of awfulness that often left people scarred for life.
Hoshino had gone through that alone, with two kids, in the coldness of the entertainment industry… The idol industry of all things.
How could Hachiman keep brooding, drowning in his misery, when other people kept trying to swim in deeper, more turbulent waters?
He was a slow learner, but that was no excuse to not learn at all.
"Heh~ and here I thought you were so eager to earn yourself cookie points with me." Isshiki smiled smugly, tilting her head and showing off the chocker she bought while they were walking around. The only thing she did buy this time. "How troublesome. I already told you too much tsun is a big no-no. Give people some taste of the sweetness within, Senpai~"
"Sorry, I'm not a watermelon. If nothing else, I'm more of an orange when you think about it. Or perhaps a tangerine." Hachiman puffed his chest, wondering whether he should play along with Isshiki or not.
"Eh? Well, I guess squeezing you to make some natural juice would be fun too." Her smirk became a bit eviler, making Hachiman flinch.
Dangerous! So this was what deer felt when they noticed a predator watching them?! No wonder they ran so fast! Even Hachiman, with a table separating them, felt the need to go on all four and run for his life!
"H-Hey, that's not something you should be saying in public…" Hachiman's eye twitched. He tried to play it cool, but his smile came out awkward and unstable. He couldn't quite hide his apprehension, not entirely. "Aren't you aspiring to become a real celebrity? Be careful with your words."
Isshiki's expression was wiped out when she pulled back a bit, startled.
"Huh…? How do you know about that?" Isshiki narrowed her eyes, honestly wondering. She didn't tease him or anything, which Hachiman half-expected, but instead looked like she was trying to think when she'd said anything about that.
Hachiman sighed.
"Are you up to walking again?" Hachiman asked with some tiredness in his voice. As he could tell this conversation would be a tough one already.
"Eh? Sure. But why…?"
Hachiman scratched the back of his head. He stood up first, taking the lead to get Isshiki away from the other tables so that her reaction would gather less attention from everyone around them.
"So… Long story short? I almost died a few months back."
Isshiki stopped mid-standing from her seat, staring at the air before slowly turning to face Hachiman.
"…"
"…" Hachiman waited for her, given that it looked like she wouldn't explode like Miura and Yui had done.
"…Eh?" Isshiki stood up properly after a moment, like she'd remember what she was doing. But her voice was small, worried, and genuine. The actual girl that hid her insecurities by teasing others. "…Run that one by me again?"
Hachiman started from the beginning.
