Nick's POV:
I'm lying here in my sheets. Charlie's next to me fast asleep. Night is so polaris to day as the sky is completely clear. A billion stars cast their light onto what appears to be an enchanted forest. So much to think about. Hard to process.
Suddenly I'm almost certain I'm not awake anymore. I'm lying on my back and I'm suspended in space. Time spins in the cosmos behind me. Why?
I'm cold. I realize I'm no longer wearing my clothes. What is this?
What is that lovely sound? It feels like I'm being swallowed by the energy of light. It's cold and yet I'm being kissed by a thousand tiny lips that deliver momentary heat to my skin. As if every time Light from a star lands on my body I am, for a second, a planet in it's orbit. There's a billion suns in the infinite cosmos am I am but one Nick Nelson.
All of a sudden the spinning stops. Have you ever had the power go out in your home in the middle of the night? Your box fans, the ceiling fan, the motor on the AC unit outside your window they all stop at the same time? It's like the power in them stopped moving but they need time to catch up. The swoop, swoop, swooping, slows down and you lie there, in fear.
Maybe it was just fear for me. You see, David got to escape a lot when we were boys. He was always off at aunt Diane's or grans. He didn't have to lie in fear each night as mum and dad fought. It used to be really bad. Broken glass, shouts of insults, sometimes they'd even drag me out of bed to divert some of the agony away from themselves and onto me. I'd get my ass beaten by dad, usually with the chain he used to keep Nelly tied up outside.
So when the swirling of the fan stops there's no more sounds to protect you from what's outside the room. I'm not in a room. I'm a million miles away, deep in space, and I'm terrified that the fabric of the universe will split open and swallow whole. That the creator of all things will decide I'm not good enough for him and plunge me into eternal torture and pain.
I'm scared, I'm cold, and I have a voice echoing in my head.
"Oh God, it's over. Oh God, it's over. Oh God, it's over." There's a chemical released into your brain as you die. DMT, it's called. It's essentially like an ultracosmic high delivered to you with the foundation of religion or whatever. Memories surface that you forgot.
It's Charlie. He's what I see. He's so kind and gentle.
He's in a vortex, though. It's hard to compose words for him because he's slipping in and out of view so fast that I can't make any sense of what's happening to me. Until he's in my arms by the river. I don't have time to analyze how beautiful the fall is or how big the moon is. I can't ask myself why I'm suddenly here, by the flourishing greenery of spring or how I jumped time.
It's awful because he's so thin and limp in my arms. His eyes are wet with tears and he's bleed out all over me. I'm soaked through my clothes with blood and I'm trying not to scream. He whispers to me. I listen.
"Such a beautiful place. To be... with you. A lovely place... Nick. I do love you." He chokes out and blood slips out the sides of his mouth and I'm absolutely upended.
"I love you too charlie. What- I can't- I..." I mumble.
He coos me and brings a bloody hand up to my face, "Shhhh. Just exist with me."
Charlie's POV:
I'm awoken in my bed by a sharp jostling. The sound that escapes my mouth is neither a scream nor a gasp but rather more like the sound of swallowing a bunch of different sounds at the same time. When I roll over I'm met with a most horrifying display.
Nick lies in a thrashing, seizure. Only the whites of his eyes are visible here in the moonlight and he's shaking vehemently as foam bubbles up at the corners of his mouth. He's straining his arms and legs as his muscles contort in a dramatic way. There are knots in his calves, veins protrude his forearms and he's biting down on his tongue.
"help." I whisper, "HELP ME!" I shout, "Someone help!"
I'm frozen in a state of anxiety. I've never seen anything like this before. I'm tired. It's damn near hard to breathe.
Elle comes through the door. She's wearing a blue bonnet over her braids, the length of which is tucked up inside neatly. There's a pink sleeper top over her chest but her stomach is on display and the short shorts she's wearing are a mixture of the two colors to match her night time slippers. Where she got clothes at such short notice can only be summed up to one word; Magic.
She mutters something as she comes to the bed side. There's a weird hum coming from her palms and then his mouth does some weird trick. I imagine it's to keep him from biting his tongue off. It's all so frightening that I just stand here staring.
I hear Imogen in the doorway saying, "Oh my God, Nick? What's happening?"
"Imogen, I need you to get Charlie out of here and go get the master of the house. We might not like it but he's currently the ruling dictator of our lives." Then my image is being blocked and Imogen has a grip on my arm pulling me out into the corridor.
Out there we round the bend and descend the staircase. Allister is found sitting out here on the second floor balcony reading a book. The title of which is blocked by his hands. This is another member of Mr. Knights help crew. He's usually on the nightwatch, ensuring no one arrives at night that shouldn't be here and given the responsibility of giving the goats a bath once a week for they prefer to sleep during the day.
"Oh Allister." Says Imogen, "Nick's had an attack, it's bad. We need uncle Kendall."
Allister stands and nods. He holds his hand out, "You'll find my wife, Tilly, in the kitchen. She'll get you some tea. I'll wake the master of the house."
He disappears through a threshold and Imogen continues tugging on me. I snap and pull back, "I'm not a child. I can handle this, just because I'm gay it doesn't mean I'm weak Imogen."
She stands tall in her bedroom shoes out here in the twinkling of fireflies and I feel suddenly very small. She's firm in her words, "You're allowed to be explosive and to have your feelings Charlie Spring but you WILL listen to me."
"While yes you can handle this you also shouldn't have too. No one should. I watch a lot of Grey's Anatomy and the solid consistency in that series is that loved ones do not stay in the room when the one they love is in positions like this. We have to leave it to the professionals. I know you're strong. You're one of the strongest people I know." She tells me.
I shrug, "Everyone sees me as the mental patient who locked himself up because he can't handle life."
"That's ridiculous and you know it." She gets closer and takes my hand, "I think, going to places like that, admitting we need help, means that we're strong. A lot of people are so weak they suffer in silence until it kills them. I love you. And Nick. And Elle. So I will do what I can and what I can do right now is get you away from the scary stuff. Please." Her big eyes are wet and she's trying to hold herself fast.
I haven't seen her stand up for herself like this since Paris so I do as she says. I let her lead me downstairs and into the kitchen. I let her sit with me while Tilly makes us tea. I drink tea with her and try not to let the anxiety eat away at me. I lean on her shoulder. Listen to the little chirp she makes when she's trying not to cry. It works. My immediate fear eases. Now... there is only time.
Four A.M. rolls around. Thirty minutes? That's how long I've been sitting here? It feels like a whole day has gone by. Someone enters the room and walks up to the fridge. When he opens it the bright light illuminates his tattoos.
It's Tommy. He's only wearing sweat pants and he's fetching ice packs for Nick. He turns to look at us and he's got a kind expression. I look down at his tight stomach, the strong v-line, and the scars beneath his hard pecks. He's a trans man, I had no idea. He's hot. And he stayed the night which means Kendall fancies him.
I like for Kendall. He seems awfully lonely. Nick doesn't quite like him but he's shown himself to be on my team. As for Tommy, he brought Elle back to us. I owe him.
"He's okay." Says Tommy, "I'm going to drop these off and I don't imagine either of you will be able to sleep so if you like I can take you for a walk, show you the extent of the property? There's a lovely river about two miles east and in the mornings there's usually a bunch of doe who hang out there. Just a thought."
"I'd really like that." I say, "Is Nick out of the room? I'd like to go get dressed."
"He's in the hospital wing. When he's feeling better we'll take you to see him." Says Tommy, "I'll meet you guys at the front door around five?"
The water feels nice. I've only just realized this is my first shower since the one I took when I've arrived. I used to take them near twice a day. My skin feels like it can breathe when I step out and the towel is soft on my my face.
I look at myself in the mirror. My rib-cage is pressing into my skin. I have no muscle mass, there are black rings around my eyes, and my long fingers are bony. I feel like I'm decaying. I cover my lips with my hand and a tear falls out of my left eye and I can't look away.
It's bazaar. Did they slip something in my tea. What's this? Why does the mirror move without me. He moves to sit on the counter of the sink on his side and I stand here in my towel with my wide eyes waiting for him to do something.
He speaks, "I thought you loved me."
I stutter to say, "I- I do- I do... I'm sure I do."
"I'm dying Charlie. I do everything in my power to protect you, I listen to you, I wait for you." He presses his head to the wall where the light switch is and looks over at me showing me the agony in his eyes, "The world wants us dead and you're doing them a favor."
"You're wrong!" I shout, "I'm trying!"
He scoffs at me, "No you're not. You want this life to end. You don't love Nick, or Imogen, or Elle. You never loved Tao. You hate me."
"Stop it. Stop it. Stop it." My hands go up into my hair and I shut my eyes really tightly, "No I love you, please stop it."
There's a knock at the door and on the other side is Imogen, "Charlie... are you okay?"
I look up and the reflection is just me. He's mimicking me, he's got my expression, and he's no longer intimidating. It's... it's just me. I'm hunched over covering my face with my hands. There's terror in my eyes, in the way I'm shaking, in the unsteady breaths I take. I look at the door.
"Y-yeah. I'll be out in a minute." I say.
Twenty minutes later I'm in my kahkis and my blue sweater. I'm trecking through dried leaves in a pair of boots. The socks I've been given are thick and comfortable. There's a whistle in the wind and a smell of pine and other things out here I can't get over. I gnaw on the dried beef Tommy gave me and Imogen and myself trail behind him.
She takes my hand. There's no words she needs to speak for me to know she sees me. I need to see me too. I need to work harder to love me. I know that I do. It's no longer just me anymore and while I've been through Hell this last week I've got to work on coming to terms with the fact that the world is a big ugly place and everyone's suffering. I won't diminish my feelings or pretend like my problems aren't real problems but I will work harder to maintain my own productivity. Nick deserves someone who loves them self enough to love them back.
"We're here." Says Tommy.
He was right. There's this beautiful fall where a river about thirty feet above us pours over the edge of a magnificent rock wall. The silver blue of the new day create a teal rainbow where the water crashes into it's self down here. It's loud enough to muffle the sounds of our arrival. Animals drink from the freshwater and it's peaceful.
"Woah." Imogen whispers, "Is this real?"
She plucks fruit from a bush and looks up at Tommy.
"Yeah. None of these plants are poisonous. Feel free to eat whatever you like." And he drops his bag onto a massive boulder where he pulls out some things that I hold no interest in deciphering.
Imogen pops the fruit into her mouth and smiles. When she offers me one I take it. I crush it between my teeth and it's sweet. It's got an odd taste to it though, like wine.
I'm content. The trees run deep and the nearest highway is about four miles in the opposite direction. It might be as far into the wild as I'll go but I resonate more with this than I've ever resonated with the streets back home. Maybe the future has something worth beholding. Maybe I'll become something more than I've been before.
I walk up to the water and crash down on my knees. A doe about six feet away looks up at me but figures I'm no harm to it and therefore goes on drinking. I bring the cool water to my face and feel magic beneath my pores. It's the first moment I've ever felt like something more than human.
Then all of it changes. The doe run away leaping in long strides over the water and I turn to the sound of Imogen's screaming. The three of us look up to the newest horror in our world. A man in a suit, drained of all his blood, hangs from a tree. Nails in his hands and feet like he's christ. His dead eyes are wide open and forever frozen and all I can think is that he was staring at who ever or whatever killed him.
