"To you I'm just a man, to me you're all I am
Where the hell am I supposed to go?
I poisoned myself again
Somethin' in the orange tells me you're never comin' home"
(Something in the Orange, lyrics by Zachary Lane Bryan © Warner Chappell Music, Inc)
#
It had to be the middle of the night.
He was lounging in his private quarters, as he started calling the place in his mind. It might have been just heaps of hay and a few empty barrels, but hey — technically, he did have it all to himself.
Oddly enough, he wasn't even that drunk; they had a few with the old man, but this time, surprisingly, there was more talking than drinking.
He exhaled, closing his eyes. His hand moped around until it found the comforting shape of the wineskin, which he then lifted to his mouth, reveling in the soothing heaviness of the vessel, mentally congratulating himself on having had the common sense to refill it before coming to bed.
Ever since Gabrielle's arrival the previous day, his mind was made up — he had to walk away first. He needed to leave, continue the ambrosia hunt, and even once he was back at Olympus — he needed to erase Xena from his life.
Entirely.
Having her in his life had been catastrophic to him on several levels, but ending up losing his family and his eternal home, and still having her walk away from him — that had to be his cue that that maybe, just maybe — that thing between them — it wasn't really working.
And no, he wouldn't hang around on stand-by, just in case he might finally get an opening one day, not anymore. He was the God of War for fuck's sake, and it was time to act like it. It was time to regain his pride, dignity and self-respect — the existence of which now depended on this one condition — staying away from Xena, once and for all.
But then, the lake conversation with Kyrillos happened.
And now he was here, restless and thinking. He had to admit — hearing Kyrillos' perspective on things made him rethink matters from various new angles. Well, it was true he never apologized, and lost his temper fast; something told him it could've been different between them if he'd paid it any attention ever before.
Oh what the hell, he might as well give it one last try while they were both still here, him and Xena.
If they had been, which didn't seem to be the case at the moment.
Gabrielle mentioned than Xena had taken Argo for a ride in the afternoon; he had indeed seen her ride off when he was at the lake with Kyrillos, but it was the afternoon around sunset. He hadn't seen her since then.
Well, not that he'd been looking for her — he and Kyrillos came back home shortly after and went on to hang out in the kitchen till pretty late at night — but it was now well into the night and he hadn't seen or heard her come back.
They had been loud and drunk — maybe he'd simply missed her arrival.
He could always go check the stables for Argo.
Just like the last time, he didn't bother wearing boots and only took the necessities: the dagger and the wineskin.
Approaching the stables, he smirked, remembering what happened the last time he came here to check on Argo by night. He still had a burning gash on his abdomen to show for it.
Argo wasn't there.
But someone clearly was. And judging by the clumsy movements, it wasn't Xena.
His hand slid into his pocket to fish out his boot dagger while he started sneaking his way round the corner, then along the back wall.
"What the fuck…" He grimaced, approaching the source of the rustling noise, tossing the dagger aside with a rush of disappointment at the sight; lying on the bedroll, on the grass, behind the stables, was the blond-haired gnome herself.
"Ares? What are you doing here?" Gabrielle asked bewildered, sitting up hurriedly.
"No, no, no, no, no — it's you who's sleeping here like a lunatic, scaring normal people who might be, let's say, in a mood for a midnight stroll in the dark—"
"Say again?" Gabrielle wrinkled her nose in confusion.
"Oh, I get it; they finally kicked you out for the blabbering, haven't they," he offered merrily. "But I gotta say — it suits you — down in the grass with worms."
"Okay, are we done yet?" Gabrielle half-grimaced, half-smiled.
"Always so fast to give up, Blondie."
"Not when there's a worthy opponent."
"Oh, that was a decent one," he said, "for a smart-mouth wannabe."
Gabrielle rolled her eyes. "Ares, have you been drinking again?"
"What do you mean, again; when have you seen me sober this week? Do tell, I might have missed something," he mumbled, trying to sound more drunk than he was.
"And I can see it's becoming a new habit of yours, to wander around the stables at night; maybe looking for someone on your level to talk to?"
"I kinda was — so imagine my disappointment when I found you instead. Wait — how do you know about — oh yeah, of course she told you…"
He heard Gabrielle let out a long and slow exhale. "Seriously, Ares — why are you here?"
Suddenly, he was all out of witty comebacks.
Then, he remembered what Kyrillos had told him by the river. Ok, let's see how that shit was gonna work. Let's try just saying things as they are, without the stabbing.
Ok, so let's see; he would have to tell Blondie that he — Ares — came here, to the stables, in the middle of the damn night — to check if Xena was back.
It did have the potential to not sound pathetic, it did — if he had been her mother.
"Ares… I think I know why you're here."
"Oh, yeah?"
"I can't sleep either; the truth is — I have no idea where she is; she said she was just going for a quick ride…"
He knew it was a good idea to bring the wine with him. Collapsing down on the grass where he stood, he laid himself on his back, uncorking the wineskin.
"She left her armor... I mean, she has her weapons, but Ares… I've seen her practice today — she was worn off within minutes… Pelagia said it's at least several more days until her full muscle strength is back..."
He took another swig and reached out, offering the wineskin to Gabrielle.
"No, thanks, I'm good," Gabrielle replied.
Clearly, she misunderstood.
"I don't think you get it — this is not optional." If he was going to put up with the whining, that was the only way.
He heard her take a test sip. No complaints about the contents not being water — they were good to go on.
"Ares, I'm worried about her. I found her in bed today and she kicked me out before I—"
"She what?"
He heard Gabrielle exhale through her mouth.
"You know Xena — she would rather die than let anyone see her emotional."
"Emotional, as in crying? Oh yeah, that was a first for me."
"You saw her cry?"
"I've seen her mad by the Furies, but I never saw her cry before. Then again, she always seemed hardly mortal to me; I guess I used to put her above the mortal flaws."
"Ares… emotions are not flaws! Well, not more than mortality itself is, if you look at it that way — I guess that's your perspective."
"Oh, it is… and the more I experience mortality, the more I stand my case — how do you mortals stay sane being like a leaf to the wind of all that?"
"Well, it's not like all of us stay sane, and secondly — your experience is not typical — remember that we are born like this. You had an instant transition from god into mortal without the time to adapt; that's like — you can't swim and you're thrown into a middle of a lake."
"More like into an ocean, and of liquid shit at that."
"Ares… it's emotions that make life worth living! It must be fascinating to experience them for the first time."
"Oh, fuck yeah — I've never felt suicidal before, that was a nice one. And, just for the record — only some of them are new; the rest is familiar but just tripled in strength. I was mortal before but apparently not long enough for all the mindfuckery to catch up with me."
"You sound just like Xena," Gabrielle chuckled.
"Well, I do like her for a reason. Which I can't say about you."
"You mean you like me without a reason," Gabrielle giggled, laughing at her own joke; gods, what on earth did Xena see in her, seriously…
"Ares — can you swim?" she asked, making his eyes snap open.
"How the fuck would I know? Not that you would understand, but I used to have better things to do in life."
"Ares, you have to learn to swim. It's dangerous no to."
"Hold your horses there — we don't even know if I can't."
"Gimme the wine..."
"We're out."
"No…"
"Trust me — it's not half as bad for you as it is for me."
A while later, once he entered the house, whether it was the accidental door slamming or the metal pan he accidentally elbowed off the counter, he had a feeling he might've woken up Kyrillos and Pelagia. On a bright note, he stumbled across another wineskin which now made him be in possession of quite a decent amount of booze.
He came back to find Gabrielle sprawled on her bedroll, giggling. "Ares, I could hear the pan hit the floor all the way from here."
"It's not my fault I have to drink to put up with you."
"I'm sorry — I find you as much annoying as usual, if not more."
"You know what — you're like this pain-in-the-ass little sister I'm lucky I never had."
"What about Aphrodite?"
"Oh yeah, I used to think she was a pain — that was before I met you."
"Ares — have you actually thought about taking your life?"
"Oh, never as much as now when I'm listening to you."
"Very funny."
He didn't see her face — they were both on their backs and looking up at the starry sky — but he was sure she wrinkled her nose just now, like she did when she wouldn't find a joke funny.
"What other symptoms do you have?"
"Symptoms of what…?"
"You know, Hippocrates calls this disease melancholia."
"Hippocrates… the only actually useful project of my useless brother Apollo…"
"Are you joking? What about the muses?"
"Oh, please."
"Did you know that Xena and I met him when he was just an adept of the art of medicine?"
"Oh yeah?" Oh gods, he was going to need more wine for this. He used to think Aphrodite a blabbermouth — well, she'd just been dethronized.
"It was years ago; Xena and I had to set up this make-shift hospital for the wounded," she sighed, pausing, "he was impressed with Xena's skills, he'd would follow her every step to learn from her… she was pretty annoyed," Gabrielle giggled.
"That's my girl."
"Ares…"
"Hm?"
"You really do love her, don't you?"
He scoffed; and they were both silent. He closed his eyes, listening to the surrounding noise of cicadas, feeling the wave of some annoying uneasiness wash over him. What the fuck was he doing here, and talking with the blonde gnome of all people?
"Ares, have you been in love before?"
"You have the wrong god."
"It's funny when you realize how empty your life was before she was in it, isn't it."
"I guess it must've sucked to have a dull life like that — sorry if I don't share your pain," he said, trying to downplay the chord her words stroke.
Bullshit. His life had never been empty; on the contrary, it had been full and satisfying. Before her damn friend Xena fucked it all up.
"It's funny about love — how it makes you feel both weak and strong," Gabrielle mused, "When you look at her — and her tears make you cry, and her smile makes you smile; and when she's weak you wanna be strong for her; and then you look at her and you know you would die for her; and you know that if she died, most of you would die with her..."
He huffed, trying to ignore the annoying, pressing knot forming in his chest. What the fuck was he still doing here? It was time to go.
Then, he remembered; the ice cave at Mt. Etna. Twenty five years ago. Putting her body in the ice-coffin. It was the first time in his life when he felt tears leave his eyes.
The memory was so vivid he closed his eyes, his breath suddenly shallow.
"Ares… I'm sorry, I forgot that you've actually been through this… when you thought we were dead and you-"
"I do remember, believe me, I don't need to be reminded of that."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to… I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you."
"Not the part when I buried you." He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to calm his breath and shake off the persistent memory, the memory that plagued him for years after. He did recall the feeling being overwhelming back then but now, without his powers and his usual control over himself, it was making him wanna rip his head off.
He heard Gabrielle sniffle. What the fuck was she crying about? She'd never gone through what he had that day.
"Ares… it's so beautiful you buried both of us together…" She sniffled more. "You didn't have to, but you did, and it's beautiful that it was something that I know you did just for her."
Unbelievable. Blondie was crying, and not even about the fact that he would have normally just left her body to rot on the beach if it hadn't been for Xena, no — she was actually moved by how nice it was of him to have done it only for Xena.
"Wait, so you're not upset knowing that I would've just left you there to feed the worms — and that I only buried you together because I knew that was what Xena would've wanted?"
"Well, it's not exactly nice when you put it that way, but then again — I've never expected nice of you, so I guess it just… it was nice of you to do something so selfless for Xena."
"That was random. This whole selfless shit — it's not really my thing."
"Ares — you gave up your immortality to save her life."
"That was only because I didn't feel like going through the pain in the ass of burying her again."
Gabrielle laughed quietly. What the hell was so funny?
"Ares, you can downplay it all you want, but you've made a massive sacrifice — you gave up not just your immortality, but your whole life, the only life that you knew, your home, your mantle, your whole identity — not to mention you lost most of your family. I can't imagine what that must have been like."
"I would've thought twice if I'd known it would eventually make me end up here with you."
"It also made you end up here with Xena for the last couple of days."
"That's roughly the only good thing that came out of it. And it's over anyway."
"It's not over yet…" Gabrielle said in a somewhat playful tone.
"It will be tomorrow."
"Ares…"
"Hm."
"I have to tell you something."
"Well, now you're talking; the silence was killing me…"
"Ares… Look, I don't like you and you get on my nerves…"
"The feeling's mutual."
"But if Xena sees something in you, even if you're a jerk that you are, I — if you — if Xena decides she wants to have you in her life — fine, I won't be delighted, but I won't try to stand between the two of you."
He blinked in disbelief. "You won't? Why?"
"Because I love her, and I… I just… want her to be happy…"
"That's very moving but don't worry, it won't come to that."
"Well, not if you give up like that…"
"I'm sorry, what…?"
Whoa, that was not happening. Blondie was now saying what…?
"Ares… in all the years I've known Xena, I've never seen her cry over a guy."
"Now that you mention it, neither have I."
"Oh gods, you really are thick sometimes."
"Just trying to play your level."
"Ares… she's in love with you…"
"She doesn't wanna be with me. Wait, what?"
"I can't think of any other logical explanation why I find her crying in bed after three days alone with you."
There it was, the damn knot in his chest again. He couldn't keep on talking about this, listening to this. He had to get a grip, however damn hard it was in his current state of intoxication.
He should go.
"Look, even if that's true, it doesn't change shit — she has a whole list of her fucked up holy reasons why she can't be with me — you should know, you must have worked on that list together — so that doesn't really count for much."
"Ares, you have solely worked on that list yourself. But, in your defense, I guess you didn't know how those things work if you didn't have previous experience… Still, you can't blame her if she doesn't trust you right away. I think she's just scared."
"Oh, that's exactly what I told her — she didn't like it."
"Ares — of course she didn't like it — she's too proud to admit anything of the kind — you should know that better than anyone, you are both similar like this. But it might overall help if you don't make her cry, just saying."
"Whatever. She said she can't be with me — fine, so be it — I'm done chasing after her."
"So, you're leaving tomorrow?"
He hesitated.
He wanted to say yes, but then again, he had this unclear feeling that he was forgetting something. At his level of drunk, it was hopeless. He needed to go to bed.
"I can't have her in my life anymore. It fucks me up too much," he blurted.
"So you're leaving tomorrow?"
"I will if you won't."
"We haven't decided yet. I think it might be a good idea to stay till Xena fully recovers. Well, to be completely honest — I don't wanna leave just yet, it feels so good to be here…"
"It's not too bad."
"Come on, Ares, you like it here, too. Kyrillos treats you like a son — I spoke to him today — he wouldn't allow a bad word to be said about you."
A wave of some unspecified feeling washed over him. He couldn't name it but it made him uneasy.
"Yeah, he's alright, the old guy. Would definitely make a better father than Zeus — but then again — who wouldn't?"
"You didn't get along with Zeus?"
"Well, let's not make a case of it… the fact that you would daily hear what a disappointment you are and once in a while that you're his most hated child — doesn't instantly mean that it was all bad, does it?" he laughed bitterly.
"Ares… I'm sorry, I didn't realize… What about your mother?"
"What about her? Yeah, all good, apart from the little slip of judgment she had when she decided to stab me in the back to help Hercules — apart from that, it was a whole life of an illusion that it was all fine."
"I'm sorry… it couldn't have been easy growing up like that. But maybe it's your chance to have a good father now — maybe you could stay here for a while."
"Oh yeah, and do what? Have the old hag push me around running errands and doing laundry?"
Gabrielle laughed softly.
"Would you stay if Xena and I stayed?"
"So she could remind me daily of how bad I am for her and how she can't be with me? No thanks, been there, done that, not interested."
"Mm."
It was getting warmer. He opened his eyes; the sky was getting brighter.
His head was so heavy he thought he wouldn't lift it off the ground. Looking to his right, he saw a bedroll with Gabrielle asleep on it, on her back, snoring, the wineskin on her chest. He grimaced.
Oh gods, so it has come to this — that was how he was spending his nights now — drinking with Blondie behind the stables. He needed to go to bed and let a good amount of sleep restore his self-respect and dignity.
Slowly, he made it to rise to his feet and not lose balance. He walked around to the front of the stables.
A new wave of pain hit his temples.
Argo wasn't there.
