Rating Information - Rated "M" overall due to scenes of an explicit or disturbing nature later on. Meaning Boy on boy, with incest dabbled into there. If you do not enjoy these types of stories, you may press the back button. But if you do enjoy this type of 'kink' then please stay put. Thing are about to get bumpy in here.

Okay lets have a real talk here.

I wrote this chapter, and then rewrote it and then rewrote it again. All because I didn't feel a connection with what I was writing. Reason being, I couldn't keep Edward in character. I had to delve into the unknown territory with him. Mind you, this is a very scary feeling. I write fanfiction for a reason, I like taking my favorite character (while keeping them true to the original mold) and forming them into a plot I see fit. Sometime the plot the writer is weaving needs to break a character from its original molding and build it into something they can use. That's what I did. Honestly, I don't think I strayed too far from Edward's personality. Considering circumstances and occurrences tend to change people over time, and there has been a great amount of time since the ending of the anime for Edward to have grown and changed. And as my beta reader pointed out "Even throughout the series the way Ed reacted to things changed based on his more recent experiences". *shrug*

I guess you'll have to be the judge.

Don't be too harsh, my fragile ego couldn't stand for much.

Warning: Language. Time lapse (1 week). Slight OOC with Edward.


The cupboard slammed shut with a firm shove. The sound resonated through the quite kitchen. There wasn't any food in the house. The cabinets empty, only crumbs left in the back far corner. The fridge, empty (expect for the expired milk). The pantry, bare of anything. There was no food. Edward's stomach echoed noisily in the other soundless room.

It was one of those types of mornings. No sleep from the prior night because of thoughts unwonted. No food, come the morning. Nothing but emptiness left to fill the tireless void.

Edward sighed, the weary sound escaped his mouth before he could reel it back. He realized he'd been doing a lot of that lately and he needed to quit it. Exhaling again, he moved out the kitchen to get his boots and coat from the front closet.

It couldn't be helped, someone had to do the grocery shopping. Obviously it wasn't going to be Alphonse…

Al…

A dull ache settle into his chest at the mention of his younger brother. The memory of seeing Alphonse pale, lifeless body under his own flashed before his eyes. It was something Edward has been trying to erase from his mind, to no prevail. That same memory kept playing over and over, night after night. Edward was plagued with its very presences. There was a sense of disgust which he carried at all times now. Edward couldn't look into Alphonse's eyes since that disturbing night. He could barely meet his own gaze in the mirror.

Even though it all occurred almost over a week ago, the time only added unneeded fuel to Edward's bonfire of guilt blazing out of control. Each day spreading further with additional damage done, waiting for something to happen. For Alphonse to lash out with some kind of retaliation but nothing ever came from it… Nothing but silence.

Ed was adamantly avoiding his younger brother. Every morning and night like a horrid dance, waiting and waiting for Alphonse to come home or leave. Edward was sick of the situation. They both were behaving childish, with Ed's tucking tail and running away from the problems at hand. And Alphonse for not seeking his brother out. They both were at fault.

No matter how Edward rationalized it, though, he still couldn't bring himself to confront Al over it. It was a heavy paradox of attraction and repulsion, the bittersweet pangs of nostalgia of something beautiful but knowing it needed to be smothered and killed…

With a heavy sigh, Ed slipped his coat on his shoulders and his heavy black boots onto his feet. Making sure he had his wallet, he set off out the front door.

The sun wasn't even cresting over the horizon, everything was painted in a pale shade of blue. Pulling the collar of his jacket up higher around his ears, Edward made quick strides to get to his truck. Once the engine was warmed up, he pulled out of the parking lot and headed off in the direction of the store, his stomach and heart complaining the entire way for two completely different reasons.


It was a relatively quick trip to the store; Edward made it home before the sun was too high in the sky. It was still chilled outside, considering it was only six thirty in the morning and the middle of September. He pulled into his parking space, grabbing the few sacks he had from the tail bed of his truck, and made his way into the building.

Edward was hoping with beyond optimism Alphonse wasn't awake yet.

He shouldn't be, since his class didn't start till ten.

Even though he knew Al wouldn't be, Edward still couldn't help the knot of anxiety rising in his chest at the thought of actually having to talking to his younger brother.

He was in the kitchen in no time, setting the bags from the store on the counter top. His stomach gave another noisy complaint.

"Yeah… yeah. I know." Edward grumbled under his breath setting out the stuff he needed to cook his breakfast and putting away the rest in the cupboards. He gave pause to the pineapple he pulled out of the paper sack. Edward stared down at the fruit in his hands. He didn't know what came over him to buy it; he didn't even like pineapples.

Too fucking sour… He thought palming the revolting spikey fruit.

The only conclusion Edward could come back with; Alphonse loved pineapples. Even though Edward hadn't been around the apartment lately, it didn't exclude him from being able to see or notice things. He wasn't a complete idiot. Al barely ate anything. The weight loss was obvious to any who knew what Alphonse looked out his clothes. He was thinning, and it alarmed Edward. He felt helpless to aid his younger brother. Ed knew Alphonse needed him, he just couldn't bring himself to help.

It was egocentric and completely selfish way to think, but Edward was terrified of the outcome otherwise. He fucking loved Alphonse too much. And there in lied the problem. Edward was in love with his brother. He wanted to suck, to fuck him so badly but that was only the tip of the iceberg, Edward wanted so much more from Alphonse. He wanted to hold him. To caress his soft skin. To support Al in his time of need. Edwards's anxiety and sense of judgment saw to that's demise. He couldn't bring himself to be selfish with Alphonse any more. Edward needed to be prideful. Respect what he could have with Al; a brotherly relationship and right now that wasn't even in the cards.

With another great sigh, Edward set the pineapple down next to the fridge where Alphonse would see it when he came into the kitchen to make his morning tea. Turning his back, he went about making his breakfast.

It wasn't until after his shower and morning routine, did Edward hear Alphonse shuffling about his room. With a fire lit under his ass, Edward made a mad dash to the front door. Jacket; boots; keys; wallet, and he was out the front door before he could hear his brother's door opening.

That was a close call… he could feel his heart palpating in his chest erratically.

Today was going to be a long one, Edward could already feel the weight of the day and it was still only morning. He felt heavy with grief, remorse, but most importantly guilt. The guilt outweighed all of Edward's other sins.

It was one of the first time in Ed's life he was thankful for his job at the construction site. At least the manual labor would take his mind off Alphonse. He would have to figure out what to do after he got off work.

For now he'd focus his thoughts elsewhere.


The end of the day came flying around faster than it should've and everything (all the guilt and self-loathing) came rushing back. Having skipped lunch, forgoing it all together to keep working, Edward was -now- regretting it, his stomach demanded food, and his heart was filled with guilt. Two things that didn't mix very well together.

His favorite burger place was only four blocks over from the construction site. Seven blocks from Alphonse's school, Ed's brain added on as an afterthought. He felt himself frowning as he parked and opened the truck's door to get out. Stop thinking of him, the sooner you do, the better you'd both be off. He's your brother, damn it— It was a feat easier said than accomplished.

The scary thing was, Edward couldn't stop his thoughts from straying to Alphonse. About how much he wanted to caress his soft skin, to lick the places which never saw the light of day. The smooth spans of Al's inner thighs, like heaven to stroke. Edward knew his brother had never been touched, pure in every sense of the words. Well, he was before I forced myself on him…

His thoughts made his stomach roll with remorse. Edward had stolen something precious from Al, and Ed couldn't help but think himself was a monster for doing so.

How much have I already stolen from him?

Hollow armor… I locked him in the armor… Blood sealed his soul… So much stolen… life.

Al's life.

His childhood. Stolen.

His virginity. Stolen.

I'm a monster.

A fucking tyrant.

It wasn't until after he ordered his food and paid for it, when Edward realized Alphonse had gotten out of school an hour ago. Al could be somewhere around here. Shit—

His appetite disappeared at his circling thoughts. Leaving the restaurant the urgency to get off the streets was built up by Edward's sense of utter dismay. He was hyperventilating, he could feel his nerves making him shake slightly, his flesh palm dampened by perspiration. He wiped it off onto his dirty blue jeans before fumbling with the key's to open the trucks door.

Get a grip on yourself, Edward. He scolded himself as he tried to fit the key into the hole, but seemed to keep missing the slot.

Hollow armor… I locked him in the armor…

"For fuck sake…"

The key finally slipped in, turning it and the door swung open. Climbing inside, he felt a false sense of relief, dropping his forehead to the sterling wheel. The guilt was eroding a hole in Edward's stomach.

Blood sealed his soul… So much stolen…

Edward had the strength to endure all kinds of physical pain… proven that fact time and time again. His body littered with nasty scars from painful past offences, but the weakness to carry these hidden feelings along in his heart… and the paper-thin link between them was almost too much for one person to atone for alone.

Al's life.

His childhood. Stolen.

His virginity. Stolen.

Monster.

Alphonse was always there for Edward. Even when he was locked inside that damned metal suit.

Hollow armor… I locked him in the armor…

Edward blamed himself for everything, all the mistakes in the failed journey to bring their mother back, the travels to find the red stone to restore Al's body. Even Envy's death, he was their brother as well, damn it. And Edward had killed him without a second thought, for Alphonse.

It was all for Alphonse… It's always for Alphonse. Everything Edward had belonged to his younger brother. Not just logically; for everything Edward had to atone for in Alphonse's eyes because sensibly it was the only choice to be made. Edward belonged to Alphonse, heart, body and soul.

Alphonse, the purest. Alphonse, the strongest. Alphonse, the good Elric brother... The one who should have had everything he never had… His childhood, his mother, his life, his virginity…

Alphonse is so fucking, noble. His purity shines so bright it's blinding. His strength and goodness… His earnest forward-looking, whole hearted attitude in everything he did. Alphonse is the epitome of a good person and Edward plainly, was not.

Just how many times has Alphonse saved my life? Edward thought as his stomach gripped with uncertainty. Too many to count…

Edward's thoughts were running circles. It was making him dizzy boarding the metaphorical carousel of horrid thoughts and images.

How did we get here…?

The answer was simple from the beginning. From the first moment Edward saw Alphonse's newly transformed body. That fucking beautiful, ear splitting smile on Al's angelic face. It was that moment everything became distorted with the desire to claim Alphonse. If only I realized sooner; but I'm already in too deep… that doesn't mean I have to drag Alphonse along with me in my pit of despair…

They say the heart and body are two different things entirely. Whoever they are, they are complete idiots. They know nothing. It was a blatant lie; when the heart is touched by someone held dear, the body wants to be touched as well. When the body is repeatedly touched, the heart wants to be touched even more, craving it like a drug injected into a vein.

Edward felt a heavy ache to his bones to hold Alphonse in his arms but he knew he couldn't, shouldn't.

I don't deserve it, not when I-I-I… a knot gathered in his throat.

Ed couldn't even allow himself to think about it. The moment a week ago, when Edward finally grew past the resistance of the symbolic rubber band holding him in place, snapping and pinning Al to the bed. Taking him against his own will… Hands bound behind Al's back, held in place by Edward's own belt as the elder Elric took what he wanted from the younger.

Edward felt bile gathering in that back of his mouth. He was utterly disgusted with himself. Not only with his action but in the fact he'd reveled in Alphonse's weakness. Seeing his brother with frustrated tears in his eyes did something for Edward's deepest, darkest of desires. In all honesty, Edward's sexual life had always been a tad on the rougher side, but never had it strayed into a wicked side of the spectrum. He should never have found as much pleasure in dominating Alphonse as he did. It disgusted the sane part of his conscience but on the different side of the same coin, he rejoiced in the fact he left obvious marks of ownership on Al's soft (human) flesh.

He was so pathetic. Lusting after his own brother. I'm disgusting… I'm the one hurting Alphonse. It's me. Alphonse is too innocent, too pure… So innocent and too pure for me… Edward's mind was spinning out of control, his breathing erratic as his forehead continued to rest against the metal wheel. Both hands holding, white-knuckled onto it.

I've stolen everything from him.

Monster.

Monster.

Devil.

Just like, Hohenheim…

A happy familiar laugh broke through Edward's circling thoughts.

Lifting his head up from the steering wheel, Edward's eyes scanned the surrounding parking lot for the owner of the laugh. There weren't that many cars parked around, a white Honda and black SUV sat to Edward's left; they were both empty though.

Edward heard the laugh again, this time clearly coming from his right. He looked towards the sidewalk and his eyes caught blond hair off in the distance. Edward's stomach dropped when he realized it was Alphonse, it twisted and fluttered when the full force of Al's radiant smile crashed into him.

It's been a while since I've seen him smile like that… He shook his head at that thought. A frown taking its place when Edward realized what Alphonse was smiling at. Rather more like whom he was smiling towards. A dark haired individual walking besides Al, talking adamantly about something came into view.

A flood gate of warmth erupted inside Edward at his brother's wholehearted expression. I remember when I used to make him smile like that… Back when they were only brothers. Guilt slapped him in the face solid and recklessly. This is my own fault… I caused this rift between us. We never should've… Monster.

"Fuck." He swore out loud. He was abruptly angry with himself. Hot fury mounted in his chest. It only worsened as he watched the dark hair male swipe something off Alphonse chin. Whatever the other male said, made Al's cheeks flare in a blush.

He looks so happy… and normal. Edward hated it. Hated the fact it wasn't him Alphonse was looking at like that. Edward was so fucking angry at himself, at the prick touching Al, at the very situation. The one thing he wasn't angry at was Alphonse.

The tightening hands of guilt constricted on Edwards's throat. He was having a hard time breathing. The amount of anger he felt gathering left him gagging on the taste. Ed couldn't do this to himself anymore, couldn't damage Alphonse any longer. He had to get out of here. Out of his apartment. There was no way he could continue to hinder Alphonse in a normal life. Even if that ordinary life doesn't consists of me…

With a wounded heart, and heavy burden, Edward hurried home to pack his belongings. He had to get out before Alphonse returned home. The older male didn't know what he'd do if Al returned in the middle of his escape. He didn't have the strength to argue. Rushing, Edward packed pants and shirts (still on hangers) in the boxes, not really caring how things fit inside the brown cardboard box. With quick work, Edward had all his clothes and things he would need, packed and stacked by the front door.

Ed flicked his bedroom light off, in the same motion swinging his red duffle bag over his shoulder. A sullen nostalgic feeling touching his heart as he turned to meet angry hazel eyes staring towards him from the end of the hallway.

Alphonse stood there wide eyed. He gasped, "What are you doing?"

Edward's heart thudded into the pit of his churning stomach. An overwhelming sense of guilt started circling through him again. The eldest Elric had to look away from the heat in Al's focused eyes. Alphonse said his name and Edward could hear his younger brother ever persistent question wavering towards the end. Edward knew Alphonse had seen the boxes by the front door, knew Alphonse had come to the conclusion of what Ed was attempting to accomplish.

The taller blond spoke the first words that came into his raddled mind, "… it's for the best, Alphonse."

"What is?" Anyone could hear the hope rising in Al's voice. It was honestly heart-breaking knowing Edward was about to walk away from him.

Edward felt himself plunging face first into an empty hollowness. He knew it was for the best but it still didn't mean he wanted to hurt Alphonse in the process. It's for the best, you've already stolen everything's from him. Let Al have a normal life. Ed restated this to himself internally for the hundredth time. Trying to work the courage up to actually push passed Alphonse, and walk out the front door.

Blinking his burning eyes, Edward looked directly at Al, not wanting to misconstrue what he was about to say. "It's for the best that I leave…" The words sounded dry and empty, something Edward didn't actually believe in. He didn't. Ed did not want to leave but he knew he had to. "At least, for a little while."

The lost look on Alphonse's face made Edward's chest clench. He wanted to reach out and collect Alphonse into his arms. Tell his little brother everything was going to be alright, that he would never leave but it wasn't the truth. Edward was about to make good on his promise, and walk away.

There was a pause. Edward thought marginally Alphonse understood where he was coming from. Of course that wasn't the case.

"I-I, don't, understand. Why are you doing this?"

Edward sighed Alphonse's name heavily, he was having a hard time explaining himself. His yellow eyes slid closed as his hand brushed his bangs out of his tepid face. So many of Edward's natural brotherly instincts were telling him to stop hurting Alphonse. He couldn't listen to them, he had to ignore and prevail. Edward needed out of this before something happened he would regret later. Before I ruin him entirely…

Monster.

"- Because I am..."

Edward took a step forward on stiff legs, and then he took another passing Alphonse frozen in the hallway... He brushed past him. His heart tightening with every footstep. Al was visibly shaking and there was nothing Edward could do to help him.

A sparse moment passed, Edward was tunnel-visioned on the front door. He needed out, now!

"Coward!" Alphonse's voice shook with fury as he slung his insult towards his brothers back.

"Excuse me?"

Edward was taken aback by the amount of anger lining his brother's voice. It didn't even sound like Alphonse.

"You heard me! You fucking narcissistic coward!"

Edward found himself taking an unintentional step towards Alphonse, his face creased in a dark frown. "Narcissistic? I am not a narcissist, Alphonse. I am not doing this for myself..."

When had this turned into a shouting match?

"Then who!? Who are you doing it for, because I don't fucking want this...?"

"It's for the best-" Ed, countered with a needling exhale, before being interrupted again.

Alphonse voice pitched in a whine, "-Don't say that. Edward. Please!"

Edward watched the lone tear skating down Al's pale cheeks. The guilt gripped at Ed's throat, making it tight and harder to breath. "Alphonse we can't keep doing this to each other, this relationship, this- this- this, fucked up situation we are in; it's toxic for the both of us..." he growled irritably rubbing at his eyes as he spoke.

"But you said we aren't even brothers anymore... Why?!" Al reached out for his brother arm, "Why can't we be together then...?

Edward whipped backwards as if he was burnt at the mention of that horrid day. The pang of betrayal was fresh in Alphonse eyes. It made Edward immediately regretful.

"Al, don't be like this..."

The anger bleeding into Alphonse was startling to recognize in his younger brother. It scared him how easily Alphonse could go from being visibly hurt to be deathly angry in the matter of seconds. Edward watch mortified as Alphonse wiped indignantly at the tears on his cheeks as he spoke.

"Don't be like what, Brother...?" He spit the words out like acid with intent to harm. "Like someone hurt because they are being abandon? Or like the whore I played as you pinned and raped me…?"

Something fragile cracked inside of Edward at hearing Al's loaded words. It was like pouring salt into an already festering wound. Everything Edward feared came tumbling out of his brothers sneering mouth. Ed suddenly felt very ill, all the color drained from his skin. The tears that were threatening to fall prickled his lashes but wouldn't spill.

"... I can't do this..." The words stung him, even though they came from his own lips, they hurt. He was finally admitting defeat. Without much of a thought he quickly moved out the room, forgetting his boxes of clothes. He didn't even hear Alphonse calling out for him to wait… he was out the door and down the hallway in seconds.

The world was numb to him. Everything felt like it was moving in slow-motion, underwater. He couldn't breathe, every time he tried it would catch in his lungs. The stinging in his eyes never left but only worsened. Logically Edward knew he was having a panic attack, his chest was tight with every breath burning his lungs. Irrationally, he wanted the ground to swallow him alive.

He'd never seen such cold hatred in his brother's eyes before. It terrified Edward. The words leaving Al's mouth were filled with poison and left a bitter after taste. That wasn't the Alphonse Edward had known and loved his entire life. That was someone hurting and being manipulated by their hate.

Ed didn't have an inclination as to where he was going, only that he was driving away from the one he loved and cared for the most in the entire world and it fucking hurt. When his truck pulled up in front of a familiar house, he got out and climbed the steps to his friend's house. He felt like a ghost in his own body, a puppet conducted on thinning strings. With numbed fingers he rang the doorbell.

Alphonse's words echoing loudly in his head as he stood there, "-like the whore I played as you pinned and raped me…?"

There was a pause before the door was opened. Alfons's answered with a wide happy smile on his face. Ed's stomach twisted in a repugnant reminder. The two men, Alphonse and Heiderich, looked so god-damn like the same person. The knife in Edward's heart twisted a little more upon his realization. Of course he knew there was similarity's, but never had he noticed how many there were held between them. It was like looking his brother in the face. The dark angry storm brewing in Alphonse's eye's flashed in Edward's head. It turned his stomach, knotting and churning like the rolling sea. "-raped me…?"

"Edward!" Alfons started with a smile, before the edges faded quickly upon seeing Edward's distraught appearance. "—what's wrong…? Are you okay? What happened?" Heiderich tripped over his questions, answering each with another query.

Edward felt his already damaged heart snap before shattering completely upon hearing the amount of concern in his friend's deep voice.

I don't deserve it…

"I-I-, "Ed tried to answer but the words stuck in his throat. The constricting pain irradiating through him saw to that. Instead he swallowed the rapidly gathering saliva in his mouth. Fighting the tidal waves of self-loathing and agony was proving too much for Edward's delicate state of mine. The hot prickling along his lashes returned but this time actual tears found their way onto his cheeks.

Heiderich's brow bunched together in concern, this was very unlike his friend to behave this way. Reaching out towards Edward, Alfons's thoughts swirled with distress as he gathered the slightly smaller male to his chest. Edward basically crumbled into his friends welcoming arms.

And for the first time, in a long time, Edward actually let himself be held as he cried to the sound of his breaking heart.

To be continued...


I'm no hero, you remember how I was, you know
All I ever did was worry, feeling out of control
To the point where everything was going end over end
I'm spinning around in circles again
This is where you come in
All of this to explain to you why
I had to separate myself away from yesterday's life
Please remember this isn't how I hoped it would be
But I had to protect you from me
Thats why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there
I know you felt unprepared
But every single time I was around I just bring you down
And I could tell that it was time to be scared
Thats why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there
And I know the way I left wasn't fair
I didn't want to be around just to bring you down
I'm not a hero but don't think I didn't care


The chapters have been running a little on the shorter side (at least for me...) I promise a much longer chapter next time. Full of drama, some fluff, and maybe an apology? :O
- we will have to see... .

Five reviews for update.