Rating Information - Rated "MA" overall due to scenes of an explicit or disturbing nature. Meaning Boy on boy, with incest dabbled into there. If you do not enjoy these types of stories, you may press the back button. But if you do enjoy this type of 'kink' then please stay put. Thing are about to get bumpy in here.
Warning: Language. Alcohol. Mention of dubcon. Not beta read. (I'm flinching so hard, I can't see any of my typos)
!YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! Turn back if you must!
A/N at the bottom.
Repository of Affections
"Brother…"
Al's voice carries through the apartment, and into Edward's bedroom door. The tender sound of it reminds Ed, Al's soul is no longer trapped in the metal suit of armor. Alphonse voice is clear and sweet, the way it should have always sound.
He is wholly human again. Flesh and blood, alive.
"Brother. Where are you?"
A smile touches the edges of Edward's mouth as he shuffles a pile of papers in his hands. "In here, Al."
Alphonse's cheery face appears around the corner. "There you are." He replies, entering into the room. "Lunch is getting cold."
Glancing up from the stack of blue-prints sitting on the desk in front of him, Edward's eyes falls on his younger brother's happy face. His brain stutters slightly; Al's happy face evoking a sense of warmth inside his stomach.
His brother is alive; alive!
Edward doesn't believe in God. It isn't scientific to trust in a higher power such as a 'god' or a 'miracle'. The one thing Ed did trust in; the gate and its logic. He witness time and again, the supremacy of the gates judgement. There is no god but only the freewill and drive of man. The equivalent exchange. To give up something in equal parts, to obtain something of identical standers.
Alphonse. Here in the flesh and blood. I would give up everything thing for him to experience the world through human eyes.
"Ed" Alphonse says, his smile faltering around the edges. "A-are you alright, brother?"
Ed observes Alphonse's hands falling away from the door frame. Watches his younger brother's delicate eyebrows furrowing together with obvious concern. The elder blond tracks the movement before nodding and letting out a large sigh. "Yeah… I'm fine. I'll be there in a few minutes. I need to finish getting these papers into order." He assures looking down towards his desk.
Alphonse chuckles and shakes his head, long golden hair shifting around his face.
"Always so busy." He says through a smile, taking the remainder of steps into the room. His voice warm and pleasantly light. It starts a fever in Edward's heart. Igniting his brain with forbidden thoughts for something he shouldn't be thinking of…
Alphonse, you're so fucking pretty. Why are you so perfect? Too fucking perfect. I want you…
Big round doe eyes; the color of a maple leaf in the spring time. Skin so soft and fair, it edges on the lines of explicit. Innocence in the exact amount. Alphonse Elric, the closest thing to human perfection. Edward knows his feelings for his younger brother aren't normal… that his emotion no longer linger in the normal (or moral) spectrum of family-ties, but delves into the darker end of incestuous behavior…
Hands on Ed's shoulders startle him out of his decent into darker thoughts. Uncharacteristically the touch makes him jump as he bumps the underside of the desk with his knees. A pencil rolls off and clatters to the hardwood floor.
"Jumpy." Alphonse teases easily and Edward curses at himself for letting his mind wander. He could feel the warmth gathering in his cheeks. An awkward laugh follows as he licks his bottom lip. Ed's emotion are out of control. He's thankful Al couldn't see his face.
"It's my arm." Edward lies. Rolling his auto-mail shoulder for emphases. "It's been bothering me all week."
He moves his metal limb in hopes of knocking his younger siblings tempting hands away. It doesn't work. Alphonse long fingers began a tantalizing massage, working at the stiff muscles gathered in Ed's neck and shoulders.
It feels too fucking good. Inadvertently, Edward lets out a groan, which makes Al chuckle lightly. Alphonse fingers perform magic to his tired muscles. It's exactly what he needed, at the moment he needed it most.
Alphonse…
The minute's pass and time fades into oblivion. Nothing matters but the pleasant motion of Al's soft hands on Ed's tense flesh.
With all the extra hours he's putting in at the construction site, Edward's joints burn from exhaustion.
Alphonse thumb dips into a sensitive area where lifeless metal meets scared, puffy flesh. Edward recoils and lets out a sharp hiss of discomfort.
-"I'm sorry. Have I hurt you, brother?"- Alphonse says over shoulder with his voice full of obvious concern.
Edward's stomach clenches in alarm. Al's voice… it sounds… hollow? Like Al's inside something metallic. Like he's in an empty room… Or suit of armor…
Edward feels his breath catching painfully at the abrupt realization…
No… no. It couldn't be. I saved him… I gave Alphonse his human body back. This isn't right. He argues with himself.
Cold, scratchy leather-gloved hands slides over the thin material of Edward shirt. They are rough, large and void of life. Edward knows these hands. They took care of him, cleaned his wounds when he had bled. Fed him food when he was sick… Defended him from the onslaught of vast enemies.
Yes, Edward knows these hands extremely well. They were his brother's for many years. They had been Alphonse prison for so long.
"A-Al?"
-"Yes, brother?"- Alphonse replies with the eerily empty voice. It sends nauseating chills racing up Ed's spine. This isn't happening. He thinks with the sickening sensation leaching his soul. His eyes snap close with the elevation of his heart.
The large cold hands stop their movement, falling from Edward's shoulders. Familiar footsteps clunk along the wooden floor. Every footfall driving the teeth of fear deeper into Ed's flesh.
-"Brother?"-
Edward sat motionless, his breathing uneven from all the emotion bouncing chaotically inside him. He was so confused. So - fucking - confused. The same mantra playing endlessly, masking out the sound of his own heartbeat in his ears. How… How could this be real? It can't be. I saved him… I saved Alphonse!
The elder blond knew he was shaking; he could feel the vibrations trembling through his bones, but he couldn't bring himself to stop.
Alphonse's unnerving laughter interrupts Edward's inner stewing. The erroneous sound drawing yellow eyes open and upward.
Alphonse sweet smiling face is gone, instead stood a seven foot metal suit of armor leering over his form. The metallic face plate void of all emotion, just as Edward remembers it being. Large and lifeless. A dark cage for my brother's bright and beautiful soul.
Edward's brain couldn't wrap around it. It made absolutely no sense.
"N-no. No. This isn't... fucking... right…"Edward trails off, helpless, hopeless, achingly confused. His face open like a book on its spine with authentic horror. He abruptly stands from his chair, the sound of it scratching along the floor. Ed's brother's hulking form looming over him formidably.
"H-how has this…" His voice broke with heartache. "Al, what happened?"
Alphonse's metal head tips to the side in a questionable way. The face plate depicting no emotion.
"-You.-" Alphonse answers back with no inflection in his empty voice.
It's like a sledge hammer to the chest.
"A-Al…"
"-You did this to me brother…-" Alphonse assures as he reaches up to touch his steel face. -"Don't you remember, Edward?"-
"Alphonse…"Ed breathes out and it catches in his throat. It hurts. The sound is overtly wet as he chokes on his own saliva. "H-how?" He swallows the metallic flavor on his tongue. His fist tightening by his sides.
Alphonse laughs boldly. The sound of it ringing into the air is like a sharp slap to the face.
"-With your actions. Your selfish actions.-" Al states.
"-Do you think I wanted you to save me this way? To blood seal my soul in metal armor? To feel nothing but hollowness for years and years to come.-" He reiterates with his voice rising in pitch. Al steps forward, his agitation showing in his posture.
-"I never wanted to live life this way… Trapped inside this… this-", He pauses in his rant, his large hands touching at his breast place. -"…this twisted body."-
Alphonse's depthless eyes stare down towards Edward with a flame of white hate burning brightly. Edward felt the sagacious kernel of fear blossoming in his chest. The guilt is there too, but only as a reminder to never forget what he has done.
The sacrifice to save my younger brother… my life… my alchemy…
It's like he's choking, burning from trying to breathe. Every word from Al's mouth like a river flowing into Ed's lungs. All Edward's foulest nightmares came tumbling from Alphonse with no disregard.
Ed is left without any words… drowning from the onslaught of the truth.
It's all his fault. It had been his idea all those years ago, to try and bring their dead mother back with alchemy. It's his fault for failing and almost killing his baby brother in the processes. It's his burden to carry and his alone. He is the one failing Alphonse, in so many fucking ways.
"I-I-I didn't mean to…" he pleads, his voice cracking from the emotions coursing through him. "It was an accident. I didn't mean to. I am so sorry..."
A silent sob shook his shoulders. He looked within himself in hopes of finding some kind of answer but he still found lacking... "I'm sorry… so sorry… I didn't want… I didn't mean… I wasn't…" But he couldn't finish. None of the excuses held water. He couldn't undo what had been done. Nothing could. And even now he couldn't justify the means.
"-It's too late for 'I'm sorry,' Brother.'-" Alphonse cautions. "-Too late…-" he repeats as if an afterthought, taking a step away from his elder brother.
Edward watches through bleary eyes as Alphonse lift his helmet off his shoulders. The suit lies vacant as it always has. Empty except for the bright red blood seal, near the collar of the armor. The mark (marred in Ed's own bloody scrawl) keeping Alphonse tied to the realm of the living. The last stitch effort to keep his brother soul alive.
"Al… What are you doing?"
Alphonse disembodied voice echoes through the room. "-Rectifying an immoral mistake.-"
There's no time to stop Alphonse's next movement. He reaches up and smudges the blood circle with his large thumb. Breaking the binding holding his soul.
The suit groaned from the stress, before gravity causes it to cave in upon itself and it falls to the floor in a massive heap…
"ALPHONSE!"
"…Ed…"
"Ed..."
"Edward. Wake up!"
Warm hands on his sweaty face awoke Edward up from his fretful sleep. Panic surges through his body. The cobwebs of the dream still hanging around his head. Sand in a hourglass, slipping through his fingers…
Alphonse is dead.
His heart aches, still unable to catch his breath. The sweat clinging to his skin in a sickening layer.
"Al-phonse…" he cries out.
"It's alright." Warm arms encircle him, bringing his face towards a comforting chest. "It's alight. I have you."
Edward clutches to the warm body in front of him as if his life depends on it. Alphonse… it must be Alphonse. His mind rationalizes. The fading dream still lingers around his head like smoke drifting from a candle. He isn't entirely aware of his surrounding, only the feeling of elation for his brother life. He's okay… He's alive.
Edward surges forward. Sealing his mouth to the male sitting before him. Al makes a startling sound in the back of his throat with the dip of a wet tongue between his parted lips.
He is alive. He is warm. He is whole. He is mine… mine!
Alphonse immediately breaks the kiss, turning his head to the side with an angry cry of Edward's name. Embarrassment outlines Al's voice as he swiftly stands, wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand.
This is when reality clicked into place and he acknowledges that it is; one, morning time. Two, he is painfully aroused. Three, that is not his younger brother; and four, He'd kissed his best friend, Alfons Heiderich!
Fucking, hell…
"Shit… I'm sorry, Alfons. I didn't…" Ed stops, cupping his metal hand to his sweaty forehead; at a serious loss for words. Edwards mind is still reeling from the vivid dream.
Alfons titters casually, "I get it. My mistake for approaching, when obviously you were not of sound mind…" He jokes through a breathy laugh. He is still wiping at his mouth with the sleeve of his shirt.
Edward groans in mortification, burying his face further into his hands. "I didn't mean too. I was dreaming of…"
Alfons interrupts, "…I know who you were dreaming of, Edward…" his voice immersed in sympathy. "There's no need to explain."
Ed chances a glance at his friend, his blue eyes are brimming with a similar emotion. Sympathy. It made his gut churn with the familiar sensation of guilt, and humiliation, balled into one giant knot of irritation.
Five weeks have come and gone since that fated day in Alphonse's and Edward's apartment. Five weeks of not seeing his younger brother's face. Five (agonizing, helpless) weeks of resisting temptation to go home. It didn't help matter that Heiderich looks so god-damn like Alphonse. It's truly uncanny, but mostly, it hurt as a fatal reminder of what Edward could never have.
Edward felt like groaning again. He really didn't want to think of his all his problems. Instead he did what he'd normal would do; rebound and compartmentalize.
"What time is it?"
Heiderich fixes Edward with a knowingly glare, but for once he didn't question his friends obvious deflection.
"It's about seven. Do you work today?" he replies moving towards the bedroom door. His bare feet scuffling along the hardwood.
"No. But I have to drop off the blue-prints at the site at ten." Edward says with an ensuing sigh following closely.
Edward had been working non-stop lately. Trying to keep his mind off the whole Alphonse situation… It's helping, all the strenuous labor till his fingers bled. The downfall of working so hard, he constantly feels tired. His bones ache from it all.
The construction teams are erecting new residential homing. House after house were being built under a precise dead-line. It's grueling work, but it keeps his mind off things it shouldn't be wandering to. Working through the day, to sleep at night. Worn and exhausted; so his head could actually shut off and find some sort of semblance of rest.
Today was Edward's first day off in almost five weeks. He didn't know if he should be thankful for the rest, or pissed off for all the free time to think.
"Well, that's good to hear. You've been working yourself too hard." Alfons favors the other male with a half-smile.
Edward feels his stomach twist. He's a coward. Alfons knows the only reason why he's been working all these long hours.
Alphonse…
"Y-yeah." Edward mutters, rubbing the back of his neck with his flesh hand. "The foreman kind of demanded it."
Alfons chuckles and leans against door-frame, "I could imagine."
"…and the contractor just added on another three jobs."
"Damn." Heiderich shakes his head in disbelief, "I can't believe that. How many houses is that now? Twenty five in the past five weeks?"
"Yup. And they all need be finished by the end of the month." Ed answers, irritation bleeding into his tone.
Alfons hums his reply, "Well, if there's anything you need me to do, I'm here." He says pushing off the door-frame, preparing to make his leave.
"Actually," Edward expresses reluctantly, looking towards the sheets covering his legs. "—there is something."
Heiderich pauses to arch his eyebrow as if saying, 'of course there is…'
"Is there anyway, I might talk you into going to my apartment and collecting a few of my things for me?"
Alfons snorts crossly. "You still haven't gone? I thought you said last week, you were going when you ran out of clean clothes."
"…about that." Edward admits begrudgingly, rubbing along his neck again. "I never went…" he finally confesses looking into his friends eyes.
"Edward!" Alfons protests, with a frown befalling his mouth. He sighs deeply before continuing in a softer pitch, "You're going have to talk to him eventually."
Edward felt anger gripping his stomach with hot hands. "Don't you think I already know?"
Silence echoes into the room as the two men stare at each other. Without a doubt in his mind, Edward knows he's exhausted and probably angrier than he rationally should be. He recognizes he is being ridiculous. With a shake of his head, Edward buries his face into his hands.
"I'm sorry… that was uncalled for." He groans, rubbing his eyes harshly, before dropping his hands to the sheets covering his lap.
"Yeah it was." He could hear the disappointment in his friend's deep voice, "but you're lucky, I understand."
Edward raises his face from his chest and all he finds is a forgiving smile resting on Heiderich's mouth and kind, blue-eyes starting back.
"I'll go on one condition."
"…and that would be?"
"Your honest to god-word, you'll go see your brother... And soon!"
Edward scoffs, "…Heiderich…."
"Seriously, Edward, this is getting ridiculous. You're both consenting adults. Go. Talk to him. What bad could come from it?"
"Almost everything." Edward growls throwing his hands out to his sides.
"So could sitting here and ignoring him…"
Those words hit home like rising water over shimmering sand. It wipes the slate clean, clearing Ed's anger and making him finally able to see… his hands flop to the blanket with a mute sound.
He misses his younger brother something fierce. Ed misses his smile. His laugh. The way Alphonse would greet him in the morning with a soft, sweet smile and even softer eyes as he handed Edward his first cup of coffee… 'How did you sleep, brother?' Edward misses his brother's voice. To hear him throughout the day. The jokes they would share. The intellectual conversations they would have at night before bed. The sugary caresses of 'I love you, brother.' Even if it was meant with platonic affection.
Edward misses Alphonse.
He is weary of tucking tail and hiding. Heiderich is right. It's high time he gathers his courage to confront his younger sibling. If only to tell him so—.
"I'll think about it, that's all I could offer…" Edward insists and Alfons relents with a weary exhalation.
"Make a list, and leave it in my room. I'm going to go take a shower." Heiderich says over his shoulder, before disappearing around the corner.
Edward is left in silence, alone in a sea of white sheets and only a burning face to keep him afloat.
I kissed Heiderich. Shame circles his body in mounting waves. I kissed my best friend, because I thought it was my brother… I-I am so fucked up!
Licking the back of his teeth, Edward closes his eyes, trying to calm his beating heart. This is so fucked up… I am so fucked up!
With a disheartening sigh he drags himself from bed. First things first. I need a cup of coffee… and a long cold shower.
Chapter Text
It was nearing dusk by the time Edward finished at the construction site. Even though the foreman had told him specifically to take a couple days off, he immediately pulled into fixing and helping people with random projects for a majority of the day.
Six hours later, the cool breeze from the truck's window blows through his hair as he turns onto a familiar street. A road he has voyaged a hundred times over. He's a couple blocks from Alphonse's and his neighborhood. The construction site isn't very far from the apartment. It's one of the main reasons Edward wanted to move into it in the first place.
All he has to do is turn left at the next street-light and head down the length of the road and home would be waiting.
Alphonse would be there.
Before he could comprehend what his body was doing, he was pulling into the apartment parking lot. It took a lot longer for Edward to gather his nerve and exit the truck though. When he did finally managed to step out, the hands of reality clasp his spine in an unrelenting hold.
The mere thought of seeing Alphonse set his heart into a fickle pattern. He is scared. Honestly, terrified. It isn't the thought of actually seeing Alphonse which petrified Edward, it's in the fact he didn't know if he could control himself. What he had done to Alphonse… tied him up and forced him to submit. Edward felt the part of a monster. Even though he knows in his heart of hearts, he hadn't raped Alphonse, he had still done something unforgivable. He took Alphonse's choice of freedom away.
There are steps you take, with your partner, when deciding to play rough in the bedroom. Specific steps, to keep everyone safe. Steps Edward knew, but threw out the window the moment his mouth first laid siege on Alphonse's innocence. —and therein lies the problem, Edward now knows what Alphonse tastes like. The heady taste of his brother's tongue. The velvet texture of the roof of his mouth. Ed didn't know if he could resist dipping into the oasis of his younger brother. It's one of the main reasons Edward cut contact with Alphonse so abruptly.
Ed didn't know if he could control his urges. The emotions ricochet inside the eldest Elric just too powerful to snub overnight. It's tiring trying to contain his feelings. Keeping it from becoming an issue, from over taking the rest of his life. It was tiring working around it— living around it. Even before Alphonse knew of his elder brother's filthy feelings, Ed had been working and living around these urges every day of his life. To keep it all contained. Away from his younger brother.
But there is nothing left to hide. Everything lays exposed. Alphonse knows. Edward knows.
So he stored it away in the neat little boxes in his mind. A disgusting problem he would have to deal with internally. Out of sight, out of mind. The problem would still be there, festering and rotting away. But this technique helps Ed finally to breathe, it gives him the ability to think again. To focus on figuring a way to explain to Al they could never be more than just brothers.
Instead, his mind kept drifting to memories of Alphonse's soft lips, and the sounds he made when Edward twisted his arms up behind his back and pinned him to the bed. It's a live rocket in his blood stream, he feels the heat, the persistence of it on his cheeks.
Incest. Edward didn't linger on the phrase, and neither did Alphonse. Honestly, nothing had really changed, even when everything was different. It' s confusing, and he really missed his younger brother.
It's necessary to ignore his innermost wants and needs for something exceeding practical.
Edward made another box. Another compartmentalization.
His mind continues to debate as he makes the journey inside and up the stairs. By the time he reaches their apartment door, Edward's insides are a mess. The butterflies soaring crazily inside his stomach nauseate him.
What am I even doing here…? Ed thinks frowning at the red apartment door. Heiderich had already brought some of my stuff to the house… So why am I even here? He questions again feeling his scowl deepening as he runs his flesh hand over the back of his neck.
Because you miss him… You miss your brother… Those words slither in the back of his mind like snakes sliding on their bellies.
It's the blatant truth. Edward misses Alphonse. Five long weeks without Al only proved to Ed how weak he truly is. He wants his younger brother, but he knows it's required to let go of his desire to actually have Alphonse back.
With a solid resolve, Edward brings his metal knuckles to the door.
I can do this…
Moments pass and Ed couldn't hear any movements from inside. So he knocks again and still he hears nothing…
Is Al asleep already? Edward questions himself, digging in his pocket for his silver watch. It's only six in the evening.
Edward knocks again, a bit louder this time.
Only silence echoes back.
A spout of agitation licks up his neck, his blond-brow bunching together into a harsh frown. Edward stares at the door knob, debating if he should just twist it to see if it was unlocked.I still technically live here… he reassures himself as he twists the handle— it's locked.
Alphonse is not home…
Ed exhales heavily… Heiderich still has his apartment key. Edward's agitation morphs into something darker; swirling red on a blank page.
He is locked out.
This was a stupid idea, anyways… Edward muses raking his hand over his face, beginning to walk away before he remembers. There was supposed to be a spare key hidden under the mat.
Flipping the edge of the 'welcome' mat with the toe of his black boot, a silver key lays hidden and tucked under. Shaking his head, Edward lets himself into the apartment. It's dark inside, and a musky odor clings to the air of a room being closed off all day.
"Alphonse?" he calls out into the stillness. It replies in the same manner—nothing.
Al really isn't home.
As a wave of disappointment washes over him, Edward flips the kitchen light on. The room is illuminated in a soft yellow light. With a sigh falling from him, he makes his way down the hallway, flipping light switches as he passes them. He pauses at the threshold of Alphonse's room.
Where is he? Edward thinks looking into his brother's room. He brushes his fingers along the wall till he finds the plastic switch. The hum of the ceiling fan picks up as the light flickers on.
Alphonse's room is in perfect order, besides the stray textbooks littering his bed. The sweet smell of peaches lingers in the air as Ed makes his way further inside. School papers scatter across the desk. Pens of multiple colors, books and folders disturbing the normal harmony of Al's clean room.
It was almost finale week for Al, Edward realizes with his metal hand still loitering on the open text book on the desk. Today is Wednesday. Alphonse has class on Wednesday… He's probably out studying.
With a resolve, Edward turns from the desk before pausing… his eye catching on something stuck between the pages of the largest textbook. Ed reaches to slip the card of paper out from its hiding place.
It is a picture. Alphonse's smiling face, bright and radiant. He's sitting next to a taller male with hair blacker than coal. Their arms are thrown casually around reach other's necks, as the taller male reaches out to take the picture with his other hand. He recognizes the background in the picture, they are in Al's room. Sitting on Alphonse's bed.
They looked happy with eyes creasing with mirth. It brings a sick feeling to a bubbling roar in Edward's stomach. It's jealousy, thick and covered in green molasses.
Reese…
Edward has to set the photo down before he tears it into a million pieces.
A feeling of disgust swells inside of himself. Wasn't this what he wanted? Alphonse happy, in a normal relationship?
"Fuck…" he growls turning from the desk, forcing himself to walk out of Al's room and into his own. He needs to cool down before Alphonse gets home. To tame the ghost wandering in his head.
He needs to own up. To man up, and not to succumb to his inner rage or desire.
But how does one control the intangible?
Ten in the evening rolls around, and still Edward has not heard from Alphonse. He is steadily becoming worried.
Ed is pacing the length of the living room. Hoping with beyond optimism Al will walk through the front door any moment. Seconds bleed into moments, and moments into another hour. By eleven o'clock Edward is grabbing a coat from the front closet and is heading out to search for Alphonse.
A soft knock at the door stops him in his tracks. Nearly tearing the hinges off the door, Edward rips it open.
The girl who lives in apartment 76 (two doors down) stands awkward fiddling with the hem of her sweater. She is a little bird-thing, not very large with sandy blonde hair and grey eyes.
"Hi." She greets with a smile. "I live down the hall…"
"—I know." Edward interrupts her. A frown finding a way onto his face, "I'm in a hurry…."
"Oh, I-uh-I, I didn't mean to disturb you." She says in a rush, staring at the ground and bouncing from foot to foot. "B-but you see…" she confess finally looking up to meet Ed's eyes. "You're b-boyfriend is downstairs and the land-lady is about to call the cops..."
The word boyfriend catches his attention. Mouthing the word in confusion, "I don't have a boyfriend…" he growls, finding his irritation growing by the second.
"Oh," she says eyes wide. "W-well I mean the guy you live with…" she tries to explain, "The one with blond hair and a kind smile…"
"Alphonse."
A look of clarity flashes through her eyes, "Yeah. That's the one.
"He's really drunk… You should hurry. Like I said, the land-lady is screaming about calling the cops because he won't budge..."
Fuck… Edward is down the stairs faster then she can finish speaking. A mantra of 'Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.' playing through his head. When he hit the bottom steps, he could hear people bickering in front of the building. The first thing he realizes upon walking outside is Alphonse tipped precariously on the lip of the first stair. His skin pasty and dirty, and appearing absolutely wasted…
Edward is by his side in seconds. He looks worse up close and definitely smells of alcohol and vomit.
Where did you go—?
"Al…" he whispers soothingly, touching along the younger males wet cheeks. Alphonse made an undignified sound and turns his face into Ed's warm palm. His blood shot eyes crack open and a crooked sort of dazed smile touches his mouth.
"Bro'her…" he slurs.
"Yeah…" Edward breaths out a sigh of relief.He's alright… "You big knucklehead, let's get you inside."
"I-I—"Al pauses licking at his dry lips. "I-I don't t'hink I can…"
"You gotta Al…" Edward demands, putting his hands under his brother's armpits and heaving him to his legs.
Alphonse sways, his limbs barley supporting his weight. Edward hooks Al's limp arm over his shoulder as he braces most of other male's weight against his body. The land-lady is still screaming about evicting them. Edward merely waves her off and starts up the stairs. Alphonse teeters and sways, unbalanced and uncoordinated. Edward helps him with every step till they reach the top of the stairs. Alphonse lets out, 'I don't feel so well…' and scrambles with uncooperative limbs inside the apartment to the bathroom.
Edward sighs. How much did he drink? He wonders, making his way inside, closing and locking the door.
Edward could hear Alphonse heaving in the bathroom, a sprout of sympathy blooming in his chest. He follows the pitiful groans into the bathroom.
Alphonse is hugging the toilet when he enters the room. The smell of vomit hanging in the air, it turns his stomach sour. Poor Al is lying face first on the lip of the porcelain toilet. It has to smell god-awful from that level.
"Come on buddy." Ed mumbles heaving Al's limp body from the floor to rest on the closed toilet seat.
Al is disgusting. Dirt and a soot lining his cheeks and nose. His blond hair mused and clumped with sweat. The white button-up shirt he is wearing is covered in stains of gods-knows-what.
Are those grass stains? Edward thinks pulling the ruined shirt off his brother's narrow shoulders. Alphonse complains groggily, his face coming to rest on Edward's abs. Ed's belly erupts in thousands of butterflies. He swallows thickly.
"Come on, Al…" he tries nudging the younger male shoulders. "You're filthy. You need to shower."
Alphonse merely moans his complaint, nuzzling further into his brother's stomach. Edward sighs, running his fingers through Al's short hair.
Alphonse… where did you go tonight? The question is on the tip of his tongue. But Edward knows better than to question a drunk person. You'll never get a straight answer. All his questions would have to wait till morning. Instead he reaches over into the tub and starts the tap.
"Come on…" he mindlessly talks as he squats in front of the Alphonse to slip off his shoes and socks. Alphonse's head drops to Ed's shoulder, inhaling and moaning out on an exhale.
"You s'mell good…" Alphonse mumbles into the flesh of Edward's neck. His words hiccuping in his throat as he speaks. His limbs like limp noodles at his sides.
It makes Edward chuckle lightly in his chest.
"Well you reek…" he smirks wrestling Al's long legs out of his tight jeans. It takes some effort because Alphonse is no help at all, but finally Ed gets them off and deposits them alongside the ruined shirt on the floor.
With quick work he ready's the tub, filling it with warm water. All the while balancing Alphonse's weight on his hip. When the bathtub is full, he heaves Al to his feet and the younger man instantly sags against him. A drunk giggle fills the small bathroom. Alphonse slumps into his brother's arms, giggling, and then says, trying to whisper but inadequately failing, "I did some'hing I shouldn't have…"
Edward shakes his head, "You're so drunk."
"I don't remember…" Al says, pouting, "Maybe? Hey! Probably!"
Another fit of giggles follow as Al pushes his face into the crook of Edward's neck. He licks his lips, and accidentally brushes his brother's skin. It directs heat up Ed's spine. His grip on Alphonse's bare hip tightens marginally before loosening almost all together.
The silence stretching before them is stifling, Al isn't laughing any more.
"I 'id some'hing I shouldn't have…" He repeats… sadness leaking into his garbled-drunk voice.
Edward sighs, moving his brother's face from his shoulder. "In the morning." Ed says softly, making eye contact with Al's bloodshot eyes. "You can tell me in the morning. For now, into the tub with you…"
Alphonse obeys, dropping his boxer-briefs before getting into the warm water. With wobbly limbs he sinks into the bath until his shoulders disappear under the surface.
"I'll be back in five minutes to help you out…" Edward says shakily. Trying desperately not to look at his brother's nude form.
A wet hand on his wrist stops Edward from turning to leave. "Don't…" Alphonse cries, tightening his grasp. A sad look in the depth of his eyes. "P-please don't leave..."
"Alphonse…" Edward says exasperatedly. A tight feeling locked his throat of replying further. Swallowing nosily, Edward descends to the wet floor. His brother's hand still gripped onto his wrist. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here Al."
"B-but you left before…" he cries sitting forward, unstable in his movement, the water sloshing over the brim of the tub.
With his metal hand to support Al's unsteady shoulders, "I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere." Edward consoles the smaller, intoxicated male.
Alphonse whines, shifting forward, the surface of the water rippling with his movements. "Please…" he all but whispers with the rest of his words dying off into open air.
Edward sighs, shaking his head in disbelief. He's so drunk. Ed thinks, reaching for Alphonse's peach scented body-wash sitting on the edge of the tub. "I have you…" Ed murmured, beginning to wash his brothers back. "I won't let you go…"
Removing mind from body, Edward continues to wash his brother's grime slick body. The water turning grey by the time he's finished rinsing Al's blond hair clean.
The silence echo's heavily in the room, the only sounds is sloshing water and heavy breathing. Al is leaning forward, his arms clutching his knees drawn up under his chin. His maple leaf eyes staring mindless at the dirty water swirling around him. Still entirely too drunk for Ed's liking.
"I let someone suck me off…" Alphonse's voice is startling clear when it cuts through the silence. His eyes never leave the lapping water around his bent legs. Edward's hand froze on edge of the tub, still soaking wet and dripping with sudsy water.
Six little words. Six drunken words. Six - fucking - words and Ed's heart shatters into ruins.
A sad smile makes its way onto his face, though. It doesn't reach his eyes. Alphonse isn't looking, so it doesn't matter.
"I-is that so…?" he says, but it's hell to even try to speak. His hands ball into fist with the effort to bite back his mounting rage. Trying so - fucking - hard to be a supportive bother, the role he's supposed to be playing.
There's no response. Just the quiet inhales of someone asleep. Edward realizes quickly Alphonse passed out, face pressing awkwardly into his knees. Drool escaping out his mouth…
A broken sound crawls its way out of the eldest Elric's throat. This feeling of desperation is bottomless, and Edward sought to drown in it. To hide from this weakness because he is the one who must endure. Only him. No matter how much he wants to give into his grief though, he knows he cannot. No, not yet, he reminds himself sternly.
This… This trivial moment in a young man's life, is exactly what Ed always wanted for Alphonse… For his brother to live life with normal experiences, normal affairs… A life without oddities.
So why did it hurt so much to hear?
He tries amply to remind himself of all these things, to compartmentalize them into a box, lock it with a key and throw it away… but he couldn't. It hurt too much to rationalize and tuck it away.
It's a gaping wound, a scar torn open all over again.
Edward couldn't stop from painting the painful thoughts to the back of his eyes; like appalling pictures of a graphic porno.
-Raven hair, slipping through Al's fingers. A moan befalling Alphonse's parted lips with the decent of the warm mouth devouring his pretty dick. Al's hips stuttering helplessly against the pull of the warm, wet tongue.-
Alphonse so devastatingly beautiful, flushed and breathless.
Edward's minds plays it over and over. -Alphonse moaning sweet little sounds, back arching as he spills into the other's eager mouth.- It's torture knowing how sweet Alphonse is after an orgasm.
Did they cuddle after? Did Alphonse reciprocate the actions? Fuck!
Ed feels his blood turning green from tacky envy.
This feeling… This is what life is about. Rage. Fear. Desire… Love. To stop feeling emotions, to stop wanting to feel them… That is the equivalent to giving up being alive… To stop breathing…
Death.
And at this very moment, Ed wishes for a clean death in lieu of the fact his heart is over flowing. So much anger. Horror. Lust and above all else, love.
So much fucking love! All he could feel for Alphonse was love.
It was pathological at best, like a disease with no cure. It's his greatest weakness. This unfathomable amount of love he feels for Alphonse. Even now, knowing Alphonse sought pleasure in another's arms, Edward could feel the unwavering love for his younger brother. A need for the younger male to be happy.
Fuck, the fact Ed feels like he was dying a crippling, solitary death. He still - fucking - loves Alphonse and wants him happy.
It's a steel knife in his windpipe. He can't breathe. Drunk off the love, and high off his hate. It goes in circles. Round and round. Pathetic notions running through his brain. Hitting the nail on its head and driving it inwards.
Edward couldn't break yet, couldn't allow a moment of weakness to escape the hardened shell he had constructed around himself. He needed to be strong. He needed to keep it together long enough to get Alphonse out of the bathtub and tucked into his own bed. Then, and only then, would he could allow his control to snap.
It's an elder brother's duty to keep their younger siblings safe.
With shaky hands on slippery, wet, naked skin, Edward heaves his sleeping brother out of the tub and into his arms. Water runs down his front, but he heeds it no mind. Instead focusing on carrying Al to his bed, a towel wrapped haphazardly around his body for warmth. Alphonse shuffles and groans but stays asleep.
Edward steps into his younger brother's room. The light from the hallway bleeds into the dark room, illuminating it enough to lead Ed to the bed. Alphonse's textbooks still litter the surface. Ed shifts Al's weight in his arms and awkwardly knocks them to the floor with his foot. They make a loud clatter as they hit the ground. Al complains mutely again, before settling and letting out a light snore.
With a shake of his head, Edward set the smaller male onto the mattress and tucked him into the sheets and goose down comforter. He whined before settling into the soft blankets and pillows surrounding him.
Edward's stomach flutters, stumbling on the extent of love rushing through himself watching Al's sleeping face. The fact he could actually see Alphonse safe at home… It makes Edward feel, a feeling torn between happiness and the sensation of longing – a yearning for something so precious, so desired and yet so very far out of reach.
Suddenly the walls of the room seem too close, constricting around Edward. The air seemed thick and alien. He needed to leave. Needed out.
They would have to talk about everything in the morning. It would all look different in the morning light, Edward tries to reassure himself.
With a final forbearing glance at Alphonse's sleeping form, Edward turns from his younger brother and walks from the room.
Edward's bedroom door closes with a mute thud moments later.
And if you listen closely to the other side of the wood, you could hear the sound of a strong, proud man breaking under the weight of all the compartmentalized boxes. His knees were weary from the overbearing amount of information. Box by box they tumbled and fell. Cracking open on their sides, spilling every memory and emotion…
Love.
Betrayal.
Demons.
Incest.
Addiction.
Love for his brother.
Love for his flesh.
Love for his blood.
Guilt.
A forbidden notion of love held in a metal fist, clutched to his chest.
Pain.
A love which he could never solely own.
Alphonse.
Regret.
So much fucking regret.
"You did this to me, Brother… "
"It's too late for 'I'm sorry,' Brother."
"Do you think I wanted you to save me this way?"
"-like the whore I played as you pinned and raped me…?"
"You fucking narcissistic coward!"
Monster.
Monster.
" I let someone suck me off…"
Jealous. Devil.
"I love you brother…"
"…Don't fucking touch me!"
"Sanctimonious bastard!"
" I love you Edward…"
"I love you…"
"… Brother…"
To be continued…
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