As Goblin Slayer drifted off into sleep, the last soothing notes of Remi's song echoed in the back of his mind. His body, sore and bruised, seemed to finally relent under the calming influence of the magic-laced melody. The goblins around him, tense but focused, worked with delicate precision as they finished reapplying fresh bandages and casts. They slathered a thick layer of biogel over his battered skin, its cooling touch easing some of the worst of his pain.

Soon, Goblin Slayer was lost in the deep, dreamless void of sleep.


Morning arrived quietly, sunlight seeping through the cracks in the palm wood walls. Goblin Slayer stirred, his body still feeling tender but significantly better than it had the night before. He blinked a few times, getting his bearings, and winced as the hunger pains gnawed at his stomach.

Just as he was about to move, a crass voice rang out from beside him. "Well, we'll, wel; look who's awake! How'd you sleep, Old Sport? You were purring all night— just like a horny little kitten."

'Oh no. Not this imbecile again.'

Goblin Slayer flinched, his eyes shooting to the source of the voice. There, lounging on a large, unkempt bed, like a lazy cat themselves, was Remi— shirtless, in a pair of ladybug-patterned panties. Their pale, slender, toned body stretched out like they were posing for some lewd portrait— their head propped up on one hand, while the hand was lazily scratching their flat chest.

Goblin Slayer scowled, glaring at them. "What are you even doing here?"

Remi's smirk widened, eyes hidden behind a pair of dark sunglasses. "Oh, you know. Just enjoying the view— in the comfort of my own bedroom that I'm sharing with you. You're welcome, by the way," they said sassily, and let out a quiet chortle before nodding softly at him, "Hey, did you know you snore when you sleep? It's kinda cute, actually."

Goblin Slayer growled, pushing himself to sit up. His body protested, but the pain was bearable. "I'm leaving."

Remi rolled onto their back— stretching their arms above his head, then laughed softly. "Oh, sure, sure. Go ahead and leave. Right after breakfast. I mean, there's no point in getting yourself killed out there for a second time, Sportsy— not on an empty stomach, that is."

Goblin Slayer shot them a look that could kill— eyes burning with frustration. "I don't need your food."

"Pfft! Yeah, you do," Remi chuckled— completely unbothered by Goblin Slayer's glare. He sat up, pulling his legs beneath him with a graceful bounce. "You're already half-dead as it is, my guy. Walking out of here without food? That's not badass— it's just stupid. But hey, if you wanna die again like a dumbass, then be my guest."

Goblin Slayer pushed himself off the couch, wobbling slightly as he stood. His muscles were stiff, and the bandages pulled against his bruised skin, but he forced himself upright, jaw clenched. "I'm going. Now."

Remi didn't move from the floor, just grinned wider. "Oh, really? Gonna hobble out of here on those shaky legs? That eager to die then, are we?" They asked tauntingly— watching through their shades, as the teenager limped his way toward the closed door. "Come on now Sportsy, is that all you're really good for? Getting yourself killed?"

Goblin Slayer's jaw clenched, the irritation building. Without thinking, he spat out, "Fuck. You."

Remi cackled like it was the funniest thing they'd ever heard— rolling on their mattress, as they clutched their stomach. "Fuck me?! Oh, man, is that an offer?! 'Cause now's a great time to follow through on that, big boy!" They laughed out loud, as they wiped a tear from underneath their sunglasses— still chuckling.

Goblin Slayer grimaced, forcing himself to limp toward the door. "Shut up."

"Oh, c'mon, Old Sport. Don't be shy," Remi teased, rolling onto their side and resting their cheek on one hand— still smirking. "I mean, I'm not gonna lie— I'm flattered. Most people at least buy me dinner first, but hey, we can skip the formalities if you're really that desperate."

Goblin Slayer ignored him— reaching instead for the door handle, with shaking fingers. He soon found his grip to be too weak— the pain shooting up his arm, making him groan in frustration.

"Need a hand there, sweetheart?" Remi called after him— still snickering to themselves.

Goblin Slayer's head snapped toward him— eyes filled with fury. "Just open the damn door."

Remi stood up, still smirking, as they sauntered over— hips swaying dramatically, as they exaggerated their walk. When they got close enough, they leaned forward to reach past Goblin Slayer— their breath teasingly close to the back of his ear, as they whispered, "See? All you had to do was ask nicely, Sportsy." They then turned the handle and pushed the door open with ease— stepping back with a mockingly formal bow. "After you, princess."

oblin Slayer scowled, stepping through the door without a word. He limped down the candle-lit corridor, each step making his muscles scream, but he kept moving. He wouldn't give Remi the satisfaction of watching him struggle.

But, of course, Remi followed— footsteps soft and graceful behind him. "Y'know, I'm kind of impressed you're even standing. After the shitshow you went through, most people would've been dead by now. But not you, Mr. Tough Guy. You're gonna go out there and... What? Get your ass kicked by the desert again?"

Goblin Slayer grunted— his pace slow but steady. "I'll be fine."

Remi snickered. "Oh, yeah. Sure. Totally fine. 'Cause walking through a desert by yourself worked so well the first time."

Goblin Slayer shot him another deadly glare. "Do you ever shut up?"

Remi gasped dramatically, pressing a hand to his chest. "You're hurting my feelings, Sportsy! I'm just trying to have a conversation with you. I mean, we're practically best friends at this point, right?" They retorted sarcastically, before giving the gray-haired teen a flirtatious wink.

"I can even cook you breakfast! You'd love it. I make a killer sausage. And I mean that in more ways than one— if you catch my drift."

Goblin Slayer groaned internally. "Not interested."

Remi pouted, his lips curling into a mock frown. "Aw, come on! Don't be so cold. I'm offering you a free meal and good time. That's a rare combo. Most people pay good money for that kind of experience."

"I said I'm leaving," Goblin Slayer growled— his patience long since thin.

"Yeah, I know," Remi said, casually adjusting the waistband of their ladybug panties. "But just so you know, I'm following. Can't let you out of my sight, after all. Gotta make sure you don't try anything funny. Guardian duty, and all that."

Goblin Slayer stopped, glancing back over his shoulder with an exhausted, annoyed look. "Guardian duty?"

"Yup," Remi said, popping the 'p' with a grin. "I'm the big, badass protector of this lovely little goblin village. In exchange for keeping them safe from all the nasty shit outside, they let me live rent-free. And I get to lounge around in my undies all day. Pretty sweet gig, huh?"

"So you're doing all this... For food and shelter?" The teenager asked— doing his best to make sense of the strange situation, despite wanting to punch the androgynous being in their smug face.

Remi shrugged, nonchalant as ever. "Hey, I'm a simple gal. Or, guy, I guess. I'm still trying to figure that one out myself," they mused aloud in a somewhat serious manner, flashing that same mischievous smirk. "But yeah, the deal works. They give me whatever I want, I make sure that no one like you tries to fuck them over. It's a win-win."

Goblin Slayer reached the door at the end of the hall, gripping the handle again, but this time he couldn't even twist it. His hands shook too much, his strength failing him. He gritted his teeth, frustration boiling over.

'Goddamnit.'

Remi sauntered up behind him— smirk never leaving their face. "Oh, baby. If you wanted me to open all your doors, you could've just said so from the start." They teased, before once again reaching past Goblin Slayer again— slowly turning the handle and pulling the door open. "There you go, Sportsy. Easy peasy. You're welcome again, by the way."

Goblin Slayer stepped through, but Remi couldn't resist one more jab. "If you die out there while I'm escorting you around, could you at least try to make it funny? You owe me that much."

Goblin Slayer growled under his breath, limping forward as Remi's laughter echoed behind him.

Remi then stepped forward and swung the front door open with a theatrical flourish— sunlight flooding through the doorway in a sudden, blinding burst. The gray-haired teen flinched— raising his hand to shield his crimson eyes from the harsh morning light.

"Oh no, Old Sport! Don't tell me your pale-ass is afraid of a little sun," Remi teased— voice dripping with mock concern.

Then, with zero hesitation, they gave Goblin Slayer a sharp smack on the backside.

Goblin Slayer froze mid-step, eyes narrowing dangerously as he slowly turned around to glare at Remi, who was leaning on the doorframe, grinning ear to ear.

"Don't ever do that again," he growled.

Remi wiggled their eyebrows. "Or what, big boy? Gonna spank me back? Please, make my day. But we both know you can't do shit."

Goblin Slayer's scowl deepened. He gave Remi the cold shoulder, stepping outside to put some distance between himself and the grinning menace. As soon as he did, his eyes were drawn to the village below.

The scene that greeted him made his stomach turn.

The village was sprawling across the rocky terrain, the buildings made of crumbling sandstone bricks and scrap iron, pieced together in a way that gave the whole place a ramshackle, yet lived-in feel. The architecture was crude, uneven, like it could barely hold up against a strong wind, but it had a strange charm to it. The streets below teemed with goblins— hundreds of them— going about their day.

Families, friends, children, all of them moving in and out of their homes or gathered in groups, laughing, chatting. There were goblin mothers holding babies, goblin fathers playing games with their kids. Some carried baskets of goods, others were sitting outside, chatting to one another— all seeming completely at ease.

The sight made Goblin Slayer's blood boil. Every instinct screamed at him to draw his blade— if he had one— and purge the filth before him.

'How could they live so... Normally?'

His heart pounded, his fists clenched so tight his knuckles turned white beneath his bandages.

Just as his rage was about to reach its peak, Remi's finger tapped him on the shoulder, snapping him out of his murderous trance.

"Easy there, Sportsy," they said in a sing-song voice. "I can feel your murder boner from here, and trust me, it's not the kind of stiffy I like. You try anything, and I will kill you. Not that it'd take much effort, given your current state."

Goblin Slayer's crimson eyes burned into Remi, barely suppressing his rage. "You don't even have a weapon."

Remi snickered, brushing a hand through their messy hair. "Sweetie, I don't need a weapon. I have over a hundred different ways to end your sorry ass at my disposal, and not a single one requires anything sharp. Like for instance, I could just push down these steps, and that'll do the trick," they said in a matter of fact tone, while gesturing with a nod down the nearly twenty-meter rocky descent down below. "So how about you behave, yeah?"

Goblin Slayer's jaw tightened, teeth grinding together. He could feel the adrenaline coursing through him, but a part of him knew— whether or not Remi was bluffing wasn't worth finding out.

Remi must have sensed his internal struggle because they suddenly gave him a gentle shake on the shoulder. "Tell you what, instead of murder, why don't we grab some breakfast? My treat. There's this little spot I love— "Sandy Planets". Their breakfast gyros are to die for. I mean, you might actually die getting there, but it'll still be worth it."

"I'm not interested," Goblin Slayer grunted, already exhausted by the conversation.

"Huuuh, weird… I don't remember asking," Remi shot back, slapping their hand against Goblin Slayer's back, making him stumble slightly. "Nah, that wasn't a question. We're going. You need something in that belly of yours before you go back out there and get yourself killed again."

Goblin Slayer groaned audibly, wincing as the pain from his injuries flared up. "You're an idiot."

"Yeah, and you're a moron too," Remi shot back, smirking. "But here we are. Now quit bitching. Let's go."

Goblin Slayer tried to argue, his annoyance palpable. "I'm not-"

Remi threw an arm around his shoulder, pulling him in close like they were best friends. "-Sportsy, you really don't have a choice here. You're stuck with me until I decide otherwise. And I say we're getting food. Now, c'mon. I've been craving this gyro since you started snoring last night."

"I don't snore," Goblin Slayer muttered, though he was clearly struggling to keep up.

"Oh, you snore," Remi replied, guiding him down the narrow stone steps carved into the hill their home was perched upon. "Loudly. Like, I'm talking "shake-the-walls" level. I half-expected the ceiling to cave in on us."

Goblin Slayer gritted his teeth, his responses clipped as they descended the steps. "Why are you like this?"

Remi, of course, kept rambling, their voice bouncing between sarcastic and downright vulgar. "Hey, I'm just saying. You might wanna look into that. Maybe get a little goblin to slap one of those strips on your nose. Could help. Or... I dunno, just stop breathing entirely? That'd solve the problem for both of us."

"Shut. Up."

Remi chuckled, unfazed. "Man, you're a riot! But hey, I know what'll cheer you up— breakfast and some fresh air. Maybe we'll even get lucky and catch a dust storm! Nothing like choking on sand while you try to eat. It's really an experience— you'll love it."

"I hate you," Goblin Slayer muttered as they reached the bottom of the steps, the goblin village now sprawled out before them.

"Yeah, well," Remi said with a grin, patting his shoulder. "You can hate me all you want, Sportsy— breakfast awaits either way."