CHAPTER 4: NICOLE AGAIN

Gordo rang the front doorbell of the Hessler house. Nicole's mother appeared, saying, "Oh, Dave. I'm glad you're here. I hope you'll be able to say something to cheer up Nikki. I guess she's told you our news. I'm so sorry, honey. I know it's going to be rough on you two, but I'm sure everything will work out all right in the end."

Gordo looked at Nicole's mom, wondering how in the world she could think everything was going to work out all right in the end. Of course, she was likely to say something about them both being so young, and they would find other people, and in a few years—

Gordo didn't want to hear it. "Thank you, Mrs. H," he said quickly. "Where's Nicole?"

At that moment Nicole appeared in the foyer. Gordo could tell she'd been crying. In fact, she looked worse today than yesterday, and he knew she had not been exaggerating when she said she hardly slept at all.

"Davey…" she said quietly, walking towards him with her hands outstretched.

Gordo glanced quickly at Nicole's mother. He and Nicole had been very careful not to be too demonstrative in front of the parental units, not wanting to cause any undue anxiety, but suddenly Gordo thought…what the hell.He took Nicole's hands and pulled her into himself, wrapping his arms around her, burying his face in her neck, right in front of her mother.

Oh, this felt good. Last night had not felt good. This was better. He closed his eyes, reveling in how good this felt and drowning in the certain knowledge that their hugs were numbered. The Hesslers were moving in two weeks.

After a moment, during which Gordo could feel a sob trying to heave its way out of Nicole's body, he heard her mother say, "Why don't you two go out to the back yard? Do you want me to bring you some sodas?"

Nicole pulled away from her boyfriend and wiped her eyes. "No thanks, Mom. Not for me. Davey, do you need anything?"

Yes,he thought.I need you to stay with me. I need you here.What he said was, "No. No, I'm fine. Thanks, though, Mrs. H."

Yeah, thanks for screwing up my life.

The yard deck had several steps leading down to the grassy area, where they sat on the wooden porch swing, surrounded on all sides by tall, quiet trees. As they began to swing a little, Nicole reached out and intertwined his hand in hers.

Gordo looked up at the kitchen window. "Your mom's watching us," he reported.

Nicole made a face. "I knew she would be."

Gordo tried to remove his hand, but Nicole hung on for dear life, saying, "No. I don't care. I don't care if she sees us. I just don't want her to hear us. But I don't care if she sees us."

After a few minutes of quietly, mournfully swinging, Gordo asked, "Why don't you want her to hear us?"

"Because we have to talk," Nicole said. "We have to talk about what happened last night. It was awful."

Gordo sighed. "Yes, it was," he agreed.

"And I don't just mean the news about me moving. I also mean what happened…afterwards."

"No. No, " Gordo said instantly. "I've been thinking about that, and you were right."

"No, no," Nicole replied. "I've been thinking about it and…andyouwere right, Davey. I was wrong."

"Nikki!" he exclaimed in exasperation. "Don't do this. You don't have to do this."

"I know I don't have to," she said. "But I want to. I thought about it and…and I want to. I think we should."

Gordo groaned. After a single sleepless night for both of them, this wound had not even begun to heal, and now Nicole wanted to start digging around in it again. He remembered too well what had happened last night, and it was not a pretty picture.

In the restaurant last night, after he got over the initial shock of Nicole's announcement, the ever-logical Gordo tried to come up with a plan to somehow keep them together.

First, he reasoned, they were nearly sixteen. In two years they would be old enough to do whatever they pleased. They needed to maintain a strong, long-distance relationship for only two years.

Only?

Or how about this: They were both smart. Maybe they could work on getting early admission to the same university.

If not, then how about…Frequent trips to visit each other? Gordo said he was willing to get a job to earn the money for plane fare, if that's what he had to do.

Or maybe he could transfer schools and come live with her family, or her uncle's family. His parents might not object.

Yeah, right…

Finally, Gordo reasoned, they should run away together. His cousin Adam lived in Berkeley. Gordo had told Adam all about Nicole and how they felt about each other. Surely Adam would be willing to help them find a place to live, a way to stay together—and—-

Hey, wait! How old did you have to be to file for parental emancipation?

"David!" Nicole had exclaimed at this point, and Gordo stopped suddenly, realizing that logic had given way to desperation.

But then it happened again, logic giving way to desperation. As they continued to talk over the table and over their food which they barely touched, the conversation came around to Nicole's statement that she would be willing to take their relationship to "the next level" after being together a year.

Gordo said something, he didn't remember exactly what, but Nicole gasped, suddenly realizing that Gordo was thinking she was now willing to have sex with him.

"Have I been with you this long," she asked, the hurt evident in her voice, "and still you don't know me better than that?"

"Have I been with you this long, and still you don't love me enough to want to do it with me?" Gordo shot back immediately.

And was immediately sorry he'd said it, especially the way he had said it.

And so things went from bad to worse, as each tried to defend their position.

Even under normal circumstances, this would have been an anxious and tormented discussion, but in view of Nicole's recent news, the sensitivity of it all became unbearable.

And now, sitting on the swing, Gordo felt it was about to become unbearable again.

"Nikki," he announced. "We're not going to talk about this anymore. It took a long time last night, but you finally convinced me, we finally agreed there's no sense in it, that even if we did both somehow decide it would be all right to…to…you know…" he said, cautiously glancing back up at the kitchen window, "well…even if we could agree, under the circumstances, it just doesn't make any sense at this point."

Nicole squeezed his hand as she said, "But it does, Davey, it does! I know that's not what I said last night, but I thought about it all last night, last night when I could barely sleep a wink, and…well, I've come around to your way of thinking. It does make sense. It makes perfect sense. Like you said, to give ourselves this one beautiful time together, something we'll never forget—"

"No!" Gordo interrupted forcefully, as much to dissuade himself as her. "It's a stupid idea. I can't believe I ever thought of doing such a thing. I can't believe you're even considering it."

"But…but…you were all for it last night," Nicole said in confusion.

"That was last night. When I was stupid."

"Davey, what's wrong?" Nicole asked in a small voice. "Don't you want to…?"

"Oh God, Nikki! That's not the question. Of course I want to. I want to do everything that has anything to do with you. I love you, Nikki. I love you so much, and it's killing me that you're leaving, but…but…I realized last night that you're right. It's killing me, and it's killing you, and if we do…you know,that…it's going to be like the final nail in the coffin. It will kill us both, I know it will. How would we ever be able to say goodbye when the time comes?"

Nicole was leaning against him, her head against his chest, and he could feel her crying again. He put his arms around her. This was bad. He felt so confused. He believed what he was saying to her right now. But he also still believed everything he had said to her last night.

Neither of them really knew what to do, or what to say, and so for the moment they simply sat together, swinging and hugging each other, drowning in their sorrow.

The only thing they both knew for certain was that no matter what eventually happened, it was going to hurt like hell.