CHAPTER 15: ALWAYS LIZZIE
Gordo's stomach churned with déjà vu.
At Lizzie's summons, it had only taken him a moment to slip into his sneakers, and now he was hurrying down the street between his house and Lizzie's, a journey had made more times than he could count, since before he could walk and his mother would wheel him over in the baby carriage. Yet he knew the uneasy sensation he was experiencing now was due to the memory of one particular trip he'd made to Lizzie's house, two Novembers ago.
Back then, Lizzie had not called, but rather Miranda, and Gordo had to pry it out of her that Lizzie was in distress. Knowing this, he'd run out of the house and down this path. Tonight, however, he heard Lizzie's sobs for himself, and even though so much time had passed and he and Lizzie were nowhere near as close as they used to be, none of that matter. Again, he was out the door, and down the path, not even thinking about what he was doing.
But as the uneasiness increased with the speed of his heartbeat, he took a deep breath and gave himself a swift kick in the brain. Okay, whatwashe doing? He and Lizzie were barely friends anymore. They said hello and good-bye, but not much else. She was not even interested in his friendship these days, never mind anything more. He was like a freakingbrotherto her, or so she'd said, and it often occurred to him, in all the time that had passed since that revelation two Novembers ago, that considering Lizzie's relationship with her real brother, Matt, that was not necessarily a good thing.
Oh my God! Gordo felt sick. He braced himself. No, he was not going to let Lizzie McGuire get to him. Again! He was immune. He was going to be fine. He would find out what was wrong, give her a few token words of comfort, then call one of herrealfriends to sit with her, if that was what she needed. And then he was going to go back home to think about how he was taking his life back. No more girls! Girls were in his past. Lizzie was his past. He wasn't going to let himself get all wrapped up again in the drama that was Lizzie McGuire. He was immune. Immune!
But if he was immune, then why was he running like this?
That question unanswered, he bounded up Lizzie's front path, noting that the family van was not in the driveway, vaguely wondering if Lizzie's parents were also out on a Valentine's date, just like his parents. Everyone was out on a Valentine's date, everyone but him and Lizzie. Hey! Why wasn't Lizzie—?
Even as these thoughts ran through his head, he was knocking on the door. He really had to slow down. He had to keep his cool—
"Gordo?" came a weak voice from the other side of the door.
"Yeah, it's me," he answered, bouncing on his heels.
Instantly he heard the sound of the chain lock and the deadbolt being unfastened. The door opened slowly, but only a little, and in the crack he could just see Lizzie's long blonde hair swaying, and one bloodshot eye.
"Lizzie, it's me," Gordo confirmed. "Let me in."
"I don't want you to see me," Lizzie sniffed. "I look awful."
"Lizzie, you could never look awful," Gordo said instantly. Now why had he said that? Annoyed at himself, he got a bit gruff with her and added, "Look. Go into the kitchen and put a paper bag over your head, if it bothers you that much. I'll be right behind you, I'll relock the door for you. I know your parents are nuts about you keeping the door locked when they're not home. They're not home, right? What'd they do, go out on a date or something? And what about Matt? Isn't he home? Don't tell me evenhe's out on a date!"
Through the crack in the door Lizzie gave Gordo one long, deadly stare, then suddenly she disappeared, and Gordo heard her sobs echoing in the hallway.
Oh, brother. He must have said the wrong thing. So…Matt out on a date? The world was a changing kind of place, wasn't it?
But some things never changed. Lizzie unlocked the door, then turned around and walked away from him. It had been a year and a half, but as he came into the foyer, he noted the McGuire house looked exactly the same, smelled exactly the same. He shut the door and fastened the locks. He moved through the foyer into the living room, which was almost completely dark, yet instinct served him well. He had not forgotten anything. He easily maneuvered his way over to the couch, where Lizzie sat curled up, hugging a large chenille throw pillow.
Gordo sat down on the couch next to Lizzie. He took a deep breath. What to do? How to begin? "Look, Lizzie," he said plainly, "I'm sorry—"
"Oh yeah, that's right!" she snapped. "Rub it in, why don't you? My parents out on a date. My germ of a brother, out on a date! Everybody out on a date, everybody but me!" And then she was wailing again.
Gordo steadied himself. He was not going to be drawn into her web. "Not everybody," he said quietly. "I'm not out on a date."
"Oh, you!" Lizzie scoffed. "You're different. You're Gordo."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Gordo shot back.
"Nothing bad," Lizzie said, giving him a look. "I just mean you were with Nicole so long, and now Nicole is gone, and nobody really expects you to bounce back from that so quickly. It's acceptable for you to be alone this Valentine's Day. But…but not me…cos…cos…"
As Lizzie began to weep again, Gordo sighed. "Oh God, what is it?" he asked. "Did that Britt break up with you?"
"Not Britt. Brad. And yes…yes, he did."
"That scum!" Gordo spit out. "When did he do it?"
"Tonight!" Lizzie cried. "Just a few hours ago. I was here, waiting for him to pick me up, and then he calls and says his uncle just flew into town, and he has these tickets for…for some sports thing, I don't know, I think it was basketball, I wasn't really listening. All I heard was him saying 'I know you'll understand,' but I didn't understand, and I told him I didn't understand, and then he accused me of being all possessive, saying I was smothering him, and that if I wasn't willing to give him a little space then maybe we should just…should just…" But at this point, no further words were possible.
Gordo sat beside her, trying his hardest not to be drawn in by her wavering voice, but that was impossible. Nobody deserved to be treated like this, not even Lizzie McGuire who had broken his heart fifteen months ago by telling him she wasn't interested in himlike that,she only liked him as afriend,and as abrother...
And now, as a friend and as a brother, as her tears started up again and she suddenly burst out, "So it's over! It's all over! We're all over!" Gordo found he could not help but reach out, pull the chenille pillow from between them and gather up the girl in his arms. Patting her back, he whispered, "Calm down…calm down, Lizzie…everything's gonna be okay…"
Lizzie cried even harder when he said this, and she squeezed him so tight that soon he felt her tears seeping through the front of his tee shirt. He felt her tears on his chest, hot tears melting his heart, which was breaking with hers, as he held her and continued to offer words of consolation, which he miserably knew were of no consolation whatsoever.
Then, finally, he willed himself to say what he had been thinking for some time, but his brain had been warning him not to do. Lizzie was extremely vulnerable now, to be sure, but so was he. There was way too much history between them. He feared it might be too easy to fall back into the old ways. He had to keep his wits about him. Especially now when he could smell the lovely scent of her perfume. He had to remind himself that she hadn't put on that perfume for him, she had put it on for Brad or Britt, whoever the hell that scum bucket was. The perfume was not for him. The softness of her skin was not for him. And this little pink dress, which was even now hiking its way up her thighs as he held her…not for him.
And so, reminding himself that none of this was for him, he pulled in a deep breath, and as the world's greatest guy friend, Gordo announced, "Lizzie, nobody deserves to be treated like that. That guy is just a creep, and you deserve so much better. You are a sweet, beautiful girl, with so much to offer the right guy. They're all a big bunch of losers, every last one of them that's ever let you go. If they can't see what a…what a…"
Gordo stopped and caught his breath. There were no words to describe Lizzie. And it was not often that he was at a loss for words. What was happening here?
"And if they can't see that," he went on boldly, "then that's their loss, not yours. They're immature idiots. Every last one of them. Not worthy. Immature idiots. God, I wish I was…like…I don't know, a foot taller and fifty pounds heavier and a …a wrestler or something, I would go over to Britt's house right now and knock the living shit out of him. I would just…I wish I could…"
Gordo suddenly realized Lizzie was no longer crying. She had lifted her head and was looking right at him. "Gordo," she squeaked, "would you really?"
He looked at her. The room was dark, her face only illuminated by a dim light shining in from the back porch. He could clearly see every last tear, and yet…and yet she was so beautiful. He took a deep breath and steadied himself. Oh, no. This couldnotbe happening to him. Not again. Not now.
"I…I…" he stuttered, suddenly feeling nervous.
"Cos I…I don't need you to do that, Gordo. I don't want you to do that. I don't care about any of that," Lizzie said, and now her voice was calmer than before. "I don't care about those guys. And especially not about Brad. What a jerk! What was I thinking? Why have I been going out with such creeps, when all the time there's been…thereis… this sweet, sensitive, caring guy right here, who's always been here, always been my friend, always been right by my side, no matter what, who still cares about me so much that the moment I call, whenever I'm in trouble, he—"
"Whoa!" Gordo said, pulling away from Lizzie. "Don't even try it. Why are you messing with me, McGuire?"
"I'm not messing with you, Gordo. I…I…"
"I think you're having a…I don't know, some kind ofreaction…"
"Gordo! Why is it so hard for you to believe—?"
"Cos the last time we talked like this, McGuire, in case you don't remember, you very pointedly told me how you think of me as a friend and a brother. A brother! And it's just too, too sick to even think of—"
"But I…I…oh, Gordo! Oh my God! Listen. I'm so…so sorry about that," Lizzie said desperately. "That's not…I never meant…it's not exactly true…"
"What?" he exclaimed, jumping up off the couch. "What are you telling me?" he demanded, taking a few steps back. "Lizzie, quit screwing around with me. I really don't need this right now."
"Gordo! I'm not screwing around!" Lizzie insisted. "I'm telling you now…finally…how I really feel."
"Wait a minute," Gordo said. "Are you telling me you werelyingwhen you said that bit about me being like a brother? That you don't really feel that way?" Gordo felt his head spinning, just to think of it.
Lizzie sat on the couch and grabbed the pillow again, hugging it in her lap. "I wasn't…well, okay…yes, I guess you could say I was lying. But I didn't mean to. I didn't want to. It's just…you were coming at me, kissing me, and kissing me, and I…I wasn't ready for that, I couldn't deal with it, and I had to do something, say something—something to make you stop. You were scaring me! I wasn't ready for that. So I just thought of the meanest thing I could say to make you stop. And it worked. And I felt awful when you ran out of the room, but I had to do it, don't you see? I had to do it, because…because I wasn't ready for that."
Gordo stared at her in the darkness, hardly believing what she was saying. And then she went on.
"Look. You remember how it was," Lizzie said. "We'd just gotten into high school, and I had such high hopes. You remember me and Miranda always cooing over all the cute boys? They were all over the place, all shiny and new, and I guess we both went a little nuts. And then the coolest-looking boy ever was suddenly interested in me, and my head was swimming, I was on cloud nine. It was so wonderful! For a while. But then…after a while…he let all the air out of the balloon, and I came crashing back to earth, and it was so…so painful. And I should have known then, I should have known right away that any guy like that was never gonna be right for me. But before I had even the slightest chance to recover, there came another one, and another…they just kept coming, telling me how beautiful I was, how sexy, and after being mostly a nobody in middle school, I couldn't help eating it up."
"Lizzie," Gordo breathed, "you were never a nobody."
Lizzie nodded. "I know that now. But it took me a while to figure it out. I had to cycle through a lot of superficial pretty boys and dumb jocks to finally figure out that none of them were ever gonna work for me. To figure out that I deserve better. And even with Brad…just now…I hate to say it, because it makes me sound so superficial, but it was never all that. We didn't really have that much in common. He didn't get my jokes, and I kinda always felt like I was just some sort of…eye candy, just a pretty little thing he liked to drag around with him to impress his friends. But then again…I guess I was doing the same thing with him…so…"
Gordo stood quietly in the dark. This was all so new, he didn't know what to say. But could he really trust Lizzie? Had she lied to him then…or was she lying to him now? And if so…why? His logical mind raced, trying to make sense of it all.
"So anyway," Lizzie went on, quietly. "It's taken me a while to figure all this out. I was confused, I guess. In denial, probably. I can't explain it. And I can't explain why it's taken me this long to see it, except to say that I was stupid, but now…now I've had this kind of…what's that word again? Oh yeah…Epiphany? And I feel like I'm not as stupid as I was before. Only really, really sorry, about so many things, but mostly about how badly I…how badly I treated you, Gordo. And that's probably the worst thing I've ever done in my entire life, because I…I…"
And then she started crying again. Gordo was stunned. He tried to hold his ground, but felt himself wavering. Part of him still wanted to hold on to his earlier convictions—No more girls! No more drama! But another part wanted Lizzie. A part of him, of course, would always want Lizzie. And his own epiphany, in this moment, was that the part of him that wanted Lizzie, and the part that wanted to be logical, seemed to be coming closer together.
He knew Lizzie. Too well. As he stood quietly in the dark, watching her cry, willing himself not to rush back to her, he knew at least that he was convinced of this much: This was not an act; this was not a lie. But he still wasn't crystal clear on what she was trying to say. Was it what he thought she was trying to say? Or was it only his old wishful thinking kicking in again? How could he be sure?
Then Lizzie shifted around on the couch, took a deep breath and spoke again, and all doubt disintegrated.
"I'm looking at you, right now," she continued, boldly, clearly, the wavering nearly gone from her voice, "and I see you, Gordo. I feel like it's for the first time. Is that weird? How long have we known each other? Like forever, right? But now, I'm looking at you, standing there…right here in my living room, in my very own house, where I've seen you a million times before, and…and…oh my God…Gordo…"
His resolve was almost completely dissolved at this point, and he decided to put it all on the line, take a leap of faith and believe that Lizzie was trying to say what he thought she was trying to say. Speaking into the darkness, rather than directly to her face, made it easier to force out the words. "I'm not going to be your rebound guy, McGuire."
Lizzie pushed the pillow to the floor. She shifted on the couch again, and now, Gordo noticed, almost despite himself, that the hem of her dress also shifted. He looked at the line of pink, and then he looked up into her face, and again his blood pulsed, but this time it did not freeze. His blood just kept pulsing and pulsing throughout his whole body, and the image and the sensation of Lizzie filled him, more than it ever had before.
And then, as if all this wasn't bad enough, he heard her say, softly, "How can you be my rebound guy, Gordo, when …I think…in my heart of hearts…there's never really been anyone for me but you?"
Gordo closed his eyes. Could this be happening?
"And I'm pretty sure," Lizzie went on, "if you let yourself think about it for just a moment, I mean, if you're honest with yourself, you'll realize there's never really been anyone for you…but me…."
He knew that. Of course he knew that. In a rapidly retreating portion of his mind, he tried to remember why he would ever want to say no to Lizzie. There was a vague sensation, like a dream, something about freckles, but a moment later, the familiar poof, and…
Oh God. He couldn't think of who that was. He couldn't think of anything or anyone but Lizzie. His heart was beating so wildly as he saw her stand up and take a few steps towards him. The closer Lizzie got to him in that dark, quiet living room, the further away all other girls seemed. Nicole…Meryl…who were they? Phantoms from his past, pleasant memories, important cherished people in his life…but they weren't Lizzie. There was nobody like Lizzie. And for Gordo, there was nobody but Lizzie.
Of course he knew that. He had always known that.
She was before him now. He didn't even have to think about what to do next. He reached out and took her hands, and in that simple touch, there was no more denying.
"Gordo," she said, "can you ever forgive me for being such a jerk?"
"I forgive you," he whispered.
"And do you think there's any way…any way…we can just go backwards, just a little bit backwards, and forget a lot of this crazy stupid stuff that's happened, and maybe, somehow, try to…start over again?"
Gordo took a deep breath. "We can try," he said. "I would like that."
The world was a changing kind of place, wasn't it? Well, some things changed, but some things would always stay the same. There would always be Lizzie McGuire, and he would always love her. There would always be Lizzie and Gordo. That much was certain. It just seemed they had both taken the long way around to this realization.
But now, as they held hands, and moved in towards each other, lips getting closer and closer, strangely, at this moment, when everything should be spinning more wildly than he could bear, Gordo now felt…finally…calm. Completely calm.
And as his lips approached Lizzie's, a single thought ran clearly through his mind.
Life, as I've known it, is over.
And now, at last, that was a good thing.
