In this last segment of the schoolhouse stop, Nathan and Elizabeth apparently started talking and couldn't stop until the unaccommodating benches demanded they move on. Both Nathan and Elizabeth come away seeing each other in a new light and appreciating with a deeper sense what their relationship can be moving forward. This is a long one. I put a few natural break lines in to help separate the chapter into some smaller sections for quicker reads if needed.
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The 1st UNchaperoned Date
Chapter 5: The Schoolhouse - Part 3
Elizabeth glanced around the entryway to the schoolhouse, not recalling where she'd placed the bag with her journal. She remembered lowering it off her shoulder as she came in with the food since she knew from Nathan's grumbling stomach that dinner was the priority. After a moment, Elizabeth spotted the canvas bag.
As she reached down to grab it, her eyes fell onto the "Jack Thornton School" plaque. Glancing back toward Nathan, she noticed that he was still facing away from her. So, tenderly Elizabeth kissed her two tallest fingers and brushed them across Jack's name. 'Thank you, Jack,' she whispered within her own mind. 'Thank you for your generosity, for your valor, and, most of all, for your love.'
Then, after retrieving her mauve journal, she turned and walked toward the front of the classroom. From this angle, the way Nathan sat spoke volumes - an unusual mix of both strength and ease. He sat tall and commanding, his muscular frame accentuated by his sloping broad shoulders. But the way his body settled comfortably after each breath suggested a sense of familiarity, like …. Elizabeth smiled knowingly as she found the right word … like home. His right arm rested across the back of the bench, as if inviting her to nestle into his warmth.
Although surprisingly at ease with this remarkable man, Elizabeth still deliberately slowed her pacing to calm her nerves. This one would be a big share from her journal tonight. She took deep breaths, allowing the rhythmic inhalation and exhalation to ground her in the present.
For the time being, Nathan was looking down, his back to Elizabeth, facing toward the chalkboard. As an unexpected memory flooded her heart, walking the aisle between the pews, each step took on a weight of significance. Her wedding day with Jack.
Although Nathan still hadn't lifted his gaze, she suddenly longed for him to catch hers as she made her way down the aisle, even if she was just in everyday clothes in a schoolhouse.
As she shifted her journal, Elizabeth noted the symbolic color of her sleeve—white. Affectionately, her eyes refocused on the back of Nathan, his head of brown hair reminding her of the times she'd watched him ride away, her heart heavy with fear that he might meet the same fate as Jack.
But the view from behind wasn't all bad. She remembered the poignant moment her eyes lingered as Nathan walked away. A casual porch conversation shifted to one of significance as Nathan offered humble and wise advice about Little Jack's questions, leaving her deeply touched by what a remarkable man he was.
Later that same night, she was equally moved in Nathan's approach. He caught and held her gaze as he arrived at Rosemary's home carrying a labor candle. Even in the crowd of supportive friends, in the dark and at a distance, Elizabeth couldn't miss the message in the warm, steadfast blue of Nathan's eyes. He was there for her, a best friend shouldering the load of supporting a new mother.
Elizabeth couldn't help thinking this was a silly thought, wanting Nathan to turn as she closed the distance between them in the schoolhouse aisle. It's not like he'd tap into any special meaning to her walk. But, somehow the strength of her wish kept her eyes locked on Nathan, almost willing him to glance her way and grant her a potential peek into their future.
Even still, she certainly didn't mind this view either. The back of Nathan was surprisingly known and nearly as endearing to her. She indulged in her best view observing Little Jack's riding lesson from her porch. As he and Nathan circled around in the meadow, she was regularly gifted full intervals to appreciate Nathan from behind. The view that tugged at her heart the most, though, was the back of Nathan's hand resting gently at her little boy's waist, his long fingers spread to safely guide Jack's path on Pal. But, what she'd only recently discovered was the delight of running her hands through the soft waves of Nathan's hair.
Grateful just for the presence of this man, whether a front view or back, Elizabeth passed the third pew, with journal in hand. Her heart pounded as she saw the slightest twist in the blue fabric between Nathan's shoulders. As his head swiveled, his searching eyes caught hers, stilling Elizabeth's feet. Time slowed. Her slight gasp stretched into a relieved smile when Nathan not only turned, but stood, all the while holding her gaze. As icing on the cake, Nathan's lips spread into a genuinely radiant smile, one that extended clear through his loving eyes.
Nathan reached for her delicate hand, gently drawing her into what most certainly was becoming 'their pew.' Standing together at the front of the classroom, which was also known to be the front of the church, a burning knowledge filled Elizabeth's heart. She knew. When exactly. How many guests. Which colors. Even where, she wasn't sure. Details had never mattered less. With all her heart, she just knew she'd soon stand beside Nathan, hopefully wearing something a little more dressy, she at least acknowledged, to share vows filled with promises for their future.
Simultaneously, they lowered to the bench side by side. Nathan wrapped Elizabeth into his familiar hold from Mike and Mei's wedding, complete with the hand he already held so adoringly.
With her sapphire eyes still locked on Nathan's, Elizabeth released an affected sigh, followed by a beaming smile. Subconsciously, she tucked in her lips a moment, trying to both savor and still her butterflies.
"You okay?" Nathan asked, trying to make sense of this whirlwind moment.
Elizabeth offered a tiny nod, "I'm fine," and then added quickly, "I'm more than fine," giving his hand a squeeze as she processed the significance of those final aisle steps.
Nathan read Elizabeth's face quizzically. Recalling a similar look, his mind filled in the missing details. The arched trellis. The out of reach egg. Elizabeth in his arms. Nathan remembered perfectly. The look he recognized was the one she wore just before turning to walk away, as if caught unaware, but in a pleasantly surprising way. Who doesn't love a chocolate egg, after all, he thought, cherishing every memory tied to that mischievous blue egg.
Nathan wondered what he missed, seeing Elizabeth suddenly wearing that same look. But still, he'd felt something to these most recent moments. While Elizabeth was finding her journal, he'd been thinking about the change in her he'd seen over the years. Then, all at once, he felt an undeniable pull, urging him to turn, to seek her out. The moment his eyes found hers, he stood, propelled by her mesmerizing glow. Instinctively, his hand extended to take hers in his and pull her close beside him. Despite repeating a similar pattern at least a dozen times now – meeting Elizabeth's eyes, reaching for her hand – something was different this time, the feeling was different as she slipped her hand into his.
He'd only just landed on the thought that maybe this weighted moment related to something she might share, when Elizabeth softly pulled her hand from his and opened her journal.
As she flipped through the pages, Elizabeth's preoccupied mind and racing heart were still reeling. After some quick reflection, she realized a traditional wedding, aisle and all, may not be what she wanted with Nathan, especially considering how he detests large gatherings. But, however it comes about, Elizabeth thought, she absolutely knew this man would be her husband. They'd already been surprisingly bold enough to tiptoe around their future in words. Now, with certainty on her side, Elizabeth was ready to hold nothing back, which was fortunate considering what she planned to share here at the schoolhouse.
Elizabeth settled into Nathan as best as she could in these ridiculous seats. What was she thinking? Even the tree was more comfortable in the forest! Still, she was grateful to have chosen the schoolhouse as one of stops for the night. But, good grief. These benches! For years, she'd listened to sermons in these pews and hadn't thought about her seat. But tonight, five minutes never passed without wishing for an option that allowed for a more intimate connection with the man sitting beside her.
It had only recently dawned on Elizabeth that Nathan might truly need her. In retrospect, she remembered the look on Nathan's face during his medal's speech. Initially, he'd started out flustered, clearly struggling for words. When he'd asked earlier if she had any advice for the upcoming address, she'd told him to find a friendly face in the crowd and to speak only to him. She certainly hadn't anticipated being the friendly face. But the moment his eyes found hers, she witnessed firsthand how he clearly steadied and continued on to give an especially meaningful acceptance speech. The warmth of that memory wrapped around her like a soft blanket.
With that clarifying moment in mind, Elizabeth made a mental note to be even more deliberate in their relationship, which was easy enough considering the revealing personal thoughts she was about to share.
Mustering courage through a deep inhalation, Elizabeth started with an explanation, "Nathan, I want you to know I have never received such a meaningful gift as the plaque you made for me."
Suddenly shy at the compliment, Nathan glanced down and away from Elizabeth's penetrating gaze. Reaching her arm around to lift his chin, Elizabeth continued, "I doubt my simple 'thank you' that day reflected my true appreciation. I was distracted in planning Little Jack's christening, if you remember," hoping he understood, "and … well … I was just so surprised and touched that I didn't really know what to say in the moment."
Nathan's heart swelled at her genuine appreciation, encouraged that the days he spent on the gift were clearly well spent.
"But the good thing is," Elizabeth said, reassured herself by this truth, "I actually wrote about it in my journal … a handful of times, in fact. So I hope you will like what I say."
Nathan now noticed Elizabeth had a few fingers pushed between various journal pages, holding her place. "It will be a little disjointed," she explained, "since I'll be jumping around to a few entries. But I think there's enough context to understand the timing for when I was writing."
"I'm sure I'll love hearing your thoughts," Nathan promised, warmed by Elizabeth's gratitude.
Apprehensively, Elizabeth readied herself. Here we go, she thought. Now she was the one getting sweaty palms. Sending a quick smile Nathan's way, she began reading,
I'm surprised to find myself missing Nathan. Initially, when he moved to Hope Valley, we saw each other often, trying to help Allie get settled. Then he gave me the most meaningful gift I've ever received. He said it was in appreciation of my help with Allie, but I want to believe that even a small part of his motivation for such a thoughtful gift came from the growing friendship between us.
Nathan gave Elizabeth a light squeeze with the arm draped around her, and said with more transparency, "I'd say it was more than a small part of my motivation."
An endearing giggle escaped from Elizabeth as she said, "I'd hoped so." Returning back to her journal, she continued,
Not only was it a handmade gift, clearly showing a high level of skill, but Nathan also remembered from our talk with Allie that I loved the words of Emerson. Although I'm not sure how intentionally he chose the specific quote, it's already one that has spoken to me often. "Do what you're afraid to do," it says, which is certainly good advice for what my life entails these days. The plaque now hangs in the library, a perfect place to remind us all to embrace challenges and take risks in pursuit of our dreams.
With an apologetic look toward Nathan, Elizabeth confessed, "Unfortunately, it took me far too long to fully live up to Emerson's advice."
"We're all works in progress, right?" he reminded her, remembering how she shared those very words with him just weeks ago.
Elizabeth smiled appreciatively at Nathan, forever touched by how exceptionally forgiving he was of her faults. "Here's the final sentence in this entry," she said, before reading,
I was amazed at how tangibly that act of gratitude filled my heart.
There was that word again, Nathan thought, tangibly. He felt grateful he'd come across it so early in their relationship. He was already struggling how to fully say what he felt. "I love you," speaks volumes, as it certainly continued to do every time he heard Elizabeth say those words to him. Yet, he was needing more than just words to express his love. He'd already thought through the role affection plays. But, now with that word associated with a gift, it got his mind whirring as to what he might give Elizabeth next that could be even more meaningful.
"Thank you, Elizabeth," he said gratefully, pressing a brief but loving kiss to her lips. "But, I think I might have loved making it for you just as much as you appreciated receiving it."
Nathan was surprised that she chuckled in response. When she saw his questioning look, she assured him, "What you said right now is the perfect lead in to my next entry, and, mind you, this entry was written five years ago!" Since Nathan was still obviously perplexed, Elizabeth said, "Not everyone's words in my life at the time felt quite as authentic," remembering the phrases Lucas sometimes rattled off that felt almost too poetic.
Setting down her journal for a moment, she offered, "Here, let me help you with that," as she turned and ran her thumb across his still furrowed brow. As her thumb reached the end of his eyebrow, Nathan snatched her hand, and brought it to his lips. After placing a kiss on the back of her hand, he assured her with a playful smile, "I'm no longer confused."
Their eyes locked for a moment, their chemistry requesting more than just a handhold and a kiss. But all too aware of the struggle with these unyielding benches, Elizabeth picked back up her journal and said, almost enticingly, "I think you'll have even more clarity to come."
Nathan battled the difficulty of being so close to Elizabeth with so little touch, but these journal entries had already been so meaningful to him. Consequently, he steadied himself, putting his full attention into what Elizabeth was so graciously sharing.
Elizabeth's sweet voice simultaneously entered both his ears and his heart,
I've always felt Nathan's words are genuine and from the heart, and it appears that trait extends beyond just his words. Every time I'm in the library, I can't help but smile when I see Nathan's thoughtful gift on the wall. I'm still deeply touched by the plaque he made for me.
"Elizabeth," Nathan said, realizing she'd finished reading that section of her journal entry, "This is really thoughtful of you, and probably not easy. Even as close as Colleen and I were, she never would've let me read her journal."
Brushing her hand affectionately across Nathan's knee, Elizabeth replied, "I'm just so sorry I hurt you, Nathan, and I can imagine it was all the worse because you couldn't see what was in my heart. So I want you to know now."
Nathan's half-smile flashed onto his face, as he said a simple but heartfelt, "Thank you."
Now for the big stuff, Elizabeth thought, her heart pounding. "So this journal entry jumps ahead, and is primarily focused on how the quote you chose was really quite transformative for me, and … well … for Clara, too, actually." A quick rush of air escaped from Elizabeth's lips as her nerves took hold.
After Nathan observed her reaction, even his heart raced, sensing that something significant was about to unfold.
Although Clara has found her second love in Jesse, she confided in me how fearful she's felt in the days leading up to the wedding. "What if something happens to Jesse?" she asked. In both having unexpectedly lost husbands, we know how grief flips life upside down and instantly shatters your soul. Yet, as I tried to share the right words with this dear friend, the night before her wedding, Emerson's words on Nathan's plaque came to my mind, "Do what you're afraid to do."
I told her that the love I shared with Jack was priceless. So, 'if I had the chance to do it all over again, knowing exactly how it would end, I would still do it.' Those words rang true in my own mind as I spoke them. Afterall, love is worth the risk. Love is worth fighting for, and sometimes that battle begins within ourselves, by first facing our own fears.
Several questions immediately swirled through Nathan's head, especially regarding one phrase Elizabeth mentioned that he, himself, had once spoken to her. Yet, having observed Elizabeth in her entirety at the schoolhouse tonight, he'd noticed her apprehension. In sharing her heart so vulnerably in these journal entries, Nathan recognized she needed some support rather than only questions.
"You've done that so bravely, Elizabeth," Nathan started "… facing your fears."
Elizabeth's shoulders relaxed, clearly relieved and grateful for the compliment. "I think some of this journal entry shows how scared I was still, but eventually hopeful – there's even more to come."
Elizabeth's happy smile told Nathan he'd made the right choice. Although there may have only been a millimeter gap here and there where they weren't connecting, Nathan still scooted in closer. Where his hand rested around her shoulder from his outstretched arm, he affectionately brushed his thumb back and forth. He couldn't possibly be more endeared to this woman.
"Hmmmm." Elizabeth voiced quietly, scanning through her entry. "Let's see … this is jumping a bit now, but still in the same entry." Placing her finger at a starting point, she glanced back up at Nathan, feeling the need to explain, "This paragraph isn't so much about the plaque. It's just a little aside … but still worth sharing, I think," she added with a touch of shyness.
With almost a sense of reverence, Elizabeth began reading again,
Nathan is one of the most humble men I know. Love certainly hasn't come easily in his life. He understands the work and commitment love demands, that it isn't just flowery words. As a young, single Mountie, he took on the responsibility to care for Allie, just four years old at the time. As we've gotten to know each other in trying to help Allie settle into school, I can tell Nathan is a man who fiercely protects but also tenderly loves.
Elizabeth stopped momentarily, leaving her finger to mark where she left off. She pivoted toward Nathan, and held his gaze. "That is very true," she whispered emotionally. Fiercely protects and tenderly loves, she thought. Nathan rushing from the car to engulf teary-eyed Allie in his arms. Nathan pulling Elizabeth to him as they jumped from the balcony. Then the heart-stopping tenderness in his eyes as they recovered in the hay wagon from their fall.
Although in this moment of reflection, love surged through Elizabeth's heart for this impeccable man, she really was ready to be done with these benches, and especially excited about their last stop. So, breathing out slowly through her circled lips, she skimmed her finger across the page to decide where to pick back up her reading.
"Sorry …" Elizabeth apologized, feeling a little flustered. "This is the same entry about Clara and Jesse's wedding. I clearly did a lot of reflection that weekend. It's just a long one, so I'm skipping around," she said, suddenly feeling self conscious. Nathan had been watching with those ocean blue eyes and listening intently.
"No need to be sorry, 'Lizbeth," he replied, resting his hand over her skimming finger and hand, giving it a squeeze. "I can't even tell you how much it means to me to hear what you've felt all this time." Nathan sighed with a tinge of frustration. Words. Without Elizabeth's eloquence he was far too limited. He could show her how much her words meant, he thought, if these blasted church pews had any give to them.
"Thank you, Nathan. That's precisely what I'd hoped," she said, offering a quick smile, oblivious to Nathan's sudden edginess since she, too, was adding an extra exhalation of her own. In her case, it was out of apprehension, all too aware that the more personal thoughts were still yet to come.
But, Elizabeth rallied her confidence, reminding herself of the seemingly limitless love this man felt for her. Besides, she told herself, this date was about Nathan feeling how much she'd loved him all along. So … Elizabeth surmised, he should surely be swimming in her love after these last few paragraphs.
"Ah," she said, "I'll start here."
My conversation with Clara started to whittle away my own uncertainty and fear. After such a profound loss, it's a deep internal struggle to allow yourself to love again, to open yourself up to what may also lead to crushing pain. Clara opened my mind to an additional perspective, though, when she told me, "Jack wouldn't want you to be alone." That is more true than she knows. In the letter Jack wrote before he died, he encouraged me to find love again. But I wish love could develop more naturally over time. With both Nathan and Lucas as potential suitors, I feel like it's speeding up the need for me to make a choice, and I truly don't want to hurt either of them.
As much as I'd prefer to slow it all down, though, I also know all too well that time is finite. I thought Jack and I had all the time in the world. This isn't just about me anymore, either. I don't want Little Jack to grow up without a father. If I'm honest with myself, I do feel more drawn to Nathan. Even though his mere presence often makes my heart race, there's also an ease to our relationship, and I can tell he already cares for Little Jack.
In fact, it melts my heart how whenever we cross paths, Nathan always acknowledges Little Jack just as much as he does me. Little Jack may be a little person, but Nathan understands as a parent the value of these tiny souls. Still, I can't help but feel some hesitation. Can I handle the uncertainty of being with a Mountie again?
Elizabeth looked up at Nathan expectantly after she read that written question, guessing Nathan was certain to have some thoughts about that one. Surprisingly, he only smiled warmly and brushed her shoulder as an indication he was fine for her to continue. Despite their calm exteriors, Nathan and Elizabeth's hearts were both soaring and pounding at the same time with their mixed emotions of vulnerability and love.
For Nathan, new thoughts were flooding his mind with every heartbeat. A letter from Jack? How did that come about? Then, to hear straight from Elizabeth's heart during that tenuous triangle time was a lot to soak in considering how little she'd shared until recently. While the realization of how deeply Elizabeth cared for him all along was healing and undeniably heartwarming, it also led to more confusion about how Lucas fit in.
So, at this point, with the deluge of questions, he thought it best to hold off on what was otherwise likely to become a fairly hefty inquiry. Then, once he'd heard all that Elizabeth wanted to read here at the schoolhouse, he could process fully first with the aim to hopefully lessen the number of questions.
Elizabeth wasn't sure if Nathan's silence was reflective or unsettled. Was this too much too soon, she suddenly worried. But, since Nathan seemed ready to hear more, she continued,
Clara and Jesse's special day has come and gone, and my own confusion about love has followed suit. As Clara said her vows, much of the pressure and uncertainty I'd been feeling disappeared, and for the first time, I felt full of hope.
What hesitation I held about Nathan being a Mountie faded away, well mostly. Robert came to me earlier in the week about wanting to leave school and become a Mountie. When I asked Nathan to help Robert understand what that choice would involve, Nathan thought I'd be set against that career choice, and for good reason. I surprised him, though, and perhaps myself some, when I told him how much I appreciated this noble profession, one that I came to understand through Jack is about making the world a better place.
That is exactly what I'm striving to do in teaching, as well. Nathan and I both deeply value serving our community, and I can see we're also aligned in what matters most - family.
Still processing Elizabeth's deeper reflections, Nathan chose to keep things lighter for the moment. "I was surprised that day in what you said about the Mounties," he said. Then, craving more touch, Nathan took her hand in his, interlacing their fingers, and added, "I know it was by no means a confession, but I honestly felt far more hopeful about a future with you after that conversation."
Grateful for a momentary reprieve from the weightier matters, Elizabeth exclaimed, "By the way you were smiling at the end of my explanation, I felt like I had made some sort of confession!" Her heart swelled at the memory, remembering how inwardly flustered and delighted she'd felt.
As Elizabeth caught sight of her journal again, she tried to brush away the hurt that was settling in her newly exposed heart. Why wasn't Nathan saying more, she wondered anxiously. She'd clearly been pouring out her heart in these pages and for now, it was almost like Nathan was reverting back to his more guarded self.
Out of her own need, she wanted to ask him about his unexpected silence. But, in past experience, she'd already seen that space and time was what worked best for Nathan to open up, so she graciously decided to wait. Even still, as her eyes returned to her handwriting, she felt more vulnerable now reading with Nathan's silence.
"Would you mind reading?" she asked Nathan tentatively. "I'm sure you're getting tired of just hearing my voice."
Sensing Elizabeth's subtle uncertainty, Nathan assured her, "Tired of your voice? No … never," lifting their interlocked hands and all too adorably hugging them against his cheek. Elizabeth smiled, clearly relieved. Then after he placed a lingering kiss on her hand, he offered, "But I'll read if you want me to."
To the nod of her head, Nathan picked up the journal, and started to read where Elizabeth pointed her finger,
It struck me then how different Nathan truly is from other Mounties. Despite having the skill for any promotion, Nathan is here in Hope Valley, mentoring Robert and at worst wrangling an escaping thief during a transfer. Nathan is not Jack. This is not the Northern Territories. Nathan has Allie. He's not looking to be in the more dangerous and often distant posts Jack lived for. As a Mountie Nathan is noble and brave, but he is also a caring father who tenderly looks after the members of our town, even the sometimes overlooked younger ones like Robert.
When I spoke with Nathan at Clara's reception about Robert's decision to stay in school for now, Nathan honored Robert's attributes and intentions in saying, "Well, he'll make a great Mountie one day." As I responded to Nathan's comment, I first thought with a growing warmth in my heart, 'if Robert is anything like you', then "Yes he will," I answered aloud, but only those latter three words. In that moment, I couldn't help but notice Nathan's sapphire eyes. His half smile. His perfectly fitted blue suit.
Nathan tried unsuccessfully to stifle a smile as his heart began fluttering. This was a relatively new sensation to him, and he honestly wasn't sure he always loved it. He felt so undone, so beyond his own control, so exposed as he lost the battle to hiding just how smitten he was. Hopelessly and utterly. And this was even five years ago Elizabeth was writing this, Nathan thought in astonishment.
Feeling the heat rise in his cheeks, he wondered if the resultant pink was visible to Elizabeth. Reading aloud her impressions of him, with Elizabeth entirely attached to his side, was definitely harder hitting. As affected as he was in knowing Elizabeth was attracted to him even then, he wasn't prepared for the emotions that the next line would stir within him.
Yet as striking as I'm realizing Nathan is, he is even more remarkable in who he is.
Suddenly, Nathan was struggling not to tear up. He'd felt relatively alone at first in Hope Valley, settling into a new town, helping Allie learn to fit in, dealing with comparisons to Jack by the townsfolk, trying to navigate the guilt of his deepening feelings for Elizabeth. Yet to find out he was seen, known, and even cared for by the woman he was falling for was indescribably gratifying and overwhelming at the same time, filling him with a healing warmth he'd never expected to feel.
Nathan typically wasn't an emotional man, but clearly much more so now with Elizabeth in his life. He may still manage to be a stoic Mountie, Nathan thought, but Elizabeth was certainly softening this man under the serge.
Elizabeth was familiar with the quieter side of Nathan, but this was different. Although his eyes were fixed forward, they were focused on nothing and blinking often. She dearly wished he'd open up. How could she possibly talk about whatever was on his mind if he wasn't going to share his thoughts? But, she reminded herself not to push … not yet, anyway.
Gently placing her hand over his on the journal, Elizabeth said softly, "Here, I want to read this last section." Not trusting his voice, Nathan simply passed the journal back over and smiled as reassuringly as possible, hoping Elizabeth felt how much he appreciated all of this - the fact that she'd seen him even then, that she'd written down what she was feeling, and that now, all this time later, she was willing to share such personal details with him.
Nathan didn't know what more Elizabeth planned to read, but he wasn't sure what more he could handle, already so completely stunned and overcome by what she'd been feeling so long ago.
Still, he narrowed his focus, as she read aloud her final thoughts from the wedding.
At that moment, Carson approached us with his camera. He'd kindly accepted the role of wedding photographer for Clara and Jesse. For some reason known only to Carson, he determined Nathan and I would be his next subjects. My heart started racing as Carson positioned himself to take the photo from the vantage point that Nathan and I were already a couple. It was as if Carson knew the thoughts that were beginning to align between my mind and heart. "Together," he directed, telling us to move in closer. Then, as if to cement the thought, he added after the photo, "That's a keeper." I remember thanking Carson, almost in a whisper, as the unfiltered words played out in my mind, 'Yes, I think he's a keeper, too.'
Later as I stood by Nathan, watching Clara and Jesse cut their cake, I felt hope that a relationship could grow from a hand-delivered gift of flowers to a wedding, in time, of course, even lots of time, perhaps. So, maybe I'll have my second chance after all. Maybe fate was trying to confirm my hope considering Clara's bouquet landed directly in my hands. As this magical day came to an end and I watched Jesse help Clara with her coat, I silently thanked Clara for helping me feel hope that I really can have a great love again. And tonight I realized that there's someone settling deeper into my heart as a possibility, and not only for me, but for Little Jack, too.
As Elizabeth slowly took a breath, and closed her journal she turned her searching eyes to Nathan, desperately hoping he'd be more open now after all she'd shared.
Initially, Nathan felt only warmth as Elizabeth's revealing words filled every nook and cranny of his heart. Yet, as her written thoughts seemed to focus in on the two of them together as Carson's camera did the same, Nathan was surprised at being left with a lingering spectrum of unsettled emotions.
He'd boldly asked Elizabeth once what was in her heart, not fully expecting an answer. Because by instinct, he believed he already knew; and all the journal entries Elizabeth shared tonight reassured him that his tried and true intuition was correct. In those earlier years, naturally trusting his instincts, and actually being often encouraged by Elizabeth, herself, Nathan came to believe wholeheartedly in their future together, even against all odds.
But eventually Elizabeth closed the door on that hope, jolting him with excruciating words that seemed just as shocking now in contrast to what she'd written in her journal.
On that all too memorable day where any last hope he'd clung to was extinguished, Elizabeth explained with finality that what she thought might have been love for him was really just tied to his association with Jack as a Mountie, that in her grief for her lost husband, she was essentially looking for Jack in him. That cutting message only fed his unspoken insecurities. He'd already battled feeling like Jack's replacement to the town and endlessly struggled through the guilt of falling in love with her.
Nathan still remembered the piercing sting as those words sank into his heart, the heart Elizabeth, herself, had softened. Despite his stoic nature, immediate tears of shock surfaced in response to the unexpected jab. As the searing pain flooded his body from her wounding words, he recalled searching her eyes frantically for that flicker of love she so often expressed even if clouded by a mix of stormy emotions, Surely he must have heard her incorrectly. Although she flung a couple of bandages his way, apologizing and telling him he was impeccable, her message was clear with the click of the door she closed behind her.
Since that time, doubt constantly plagued Nathan as he reluctantly moved on and regularly questioned how much of the love he'd felt from Elizabeth during those early years in Hope Valley had truly existed and how much had potentially only been imagined. He thankfully felt Elizabeth's growing love for him as a friend in the years after, a love that she'd undeniably proven to be reliable. But, even still, he'd never fully recovered from how gutted he was by Elizabeth's unexpected and cruel words.
They'd all too often resurfaced in his mind, but they were never mentioned again by Elizabeth. Only recently was the underlying idea of those words even broached. She'd stunned him by casually saying, "I don't think of you as being in anyone's shadow" when he'd sympathized with Tom feeling ever measured against his brother. That one sentence entirely freed Nathan of the comparison to Jack in the here and now, and at the time, that was more than enough.
But tonight, to be hearing Elizabeth's own words from those earlier years, words that clearly expressed her love for him with no mention of Jack, situated Nathan firmly in that spectrum of emotions, leaving him with an ironic mix of both clarity and confusion.
On the one hand, realizing his instincts at the time were, in fact, based on truth, and therefore reliable, was more reaffirming than he could possibly articulate. It was as he thought. Her love for him was building as his was for her. But on the other hand, if that's what was truly in her heart, as confirmed by her journal entries, why had she ever thrown at him the lie about Jack that clearly wasn't true, especially when it was so undeservedly harsh?
He could understand how fear guarding her heart might have been involved in pushing him away, but he couldn't make sense of those hurtful words. Even just a couple of months ago in that instance when he and Elizabeth had been talking about Tom, he'd subconsciously slipped out a reminder of that moment in the jail. Yet, the surprise in both Elizabeth's tone and response seemingly suggested that in her mind Nathan had never been in Jack's shadow.
As Nathan's attention returned to the present moment, he felt Elizabeth's needful eyes willing him to speak. He concluded that hearing such clear confessions from her journal should've flooded him with reassurance and closed the chapter on any more questions relating to their current position as a couple.
But suddenly, the violent pounding of Nathan's heart demanded more answers for the words that pierced him for years. Even if he now fully sensed they were a lie, he felt driven to ask, needing just some insight as to why Elizabeth would've ever spoken such heartless words, especially since her journal clearly proved them not to be true.
He knew it would likely hurt Elizabeth to bring this up now. He knew it might derail them again into a heavier mood. But, ignited by the intensity of every powerful heart beat, Nathan knew he had to ask.
"'Lizbeth," he began, startled by how his voice caught. As Elizabeth's eyes rushed to his, he knew she'd heard it, too. Quietly taking in a steadying breath, Nathan plunged into the hardest question he'd ever had to ask, "Do you remember at the jail, years ago, when you said you were looking for Jack in me?"
Without more context, and with years of random moments in the jail to consider, Elizabeth's brow furrowed in astonishment, trying to remember what he might be referencing. "No, I don't think so," she offered apologetically and with some confusion. "But I'm surprised I don't remember. Can you tell me anything more to jog my memory?"
Nathan forced himself to swallow the rising emotion. He'd mustered years of courage just to release that burning question into the atmosphere, and now he'd have to elaborate? Or worse yet, did she even remember? Nathan hadn't often felt panic, but was well on his way emotionally. He could feel the moisture settling in between their two hands and knew it was entirely him, his vulnerability seeping out as sweat.
Pushing through the panic, just desperate to have some inkling as to why she ever uttered those words if her journal itself defied them, he continued, trying to identify more specifics, "You were wearing purple, I remember," he said softly. "It was the time where …" How would he even sum up that conversation, he thought. All too conscious now of his sweaty hand, he released Elizabeth's and instead squeezed her in a little more with his outstretched arm.
Rapidly, to fill the pause, Nathan grabbed a few of the random details, "You told me to tell Allie you thought I was impeccable. It was about three years ago. In the jail." Now Nathan was rambling, increasingly aware of how vague these additional specifics were.
Focusing his thoughts, he finally delivered the most critical detail, "You told me you weren't in love with me …," he blurted out. Then dropping his eyes to the wooden floor, he quietly added, "… that you'd only been looking for Jack in me …" At Elizabeth's gasp, he knew she'd remembered.
"Nathan!" she said with a look of horror on her face, "Did I really say that? I mean, is that what I said exactly?" Her mind reeled. Those words sounded so heartless, but knowing Nathan's exceptional memory and taking in his searching eyes, she was pummeled with the realization that those exact words, those piercing words, had, in fact, been directed at this self-sacrificing man … A stabbing pain jabbed at her heart …. and she had been the one to speak them.
Elizabeth's mind desperately clutched at memories, trying to make sense of her headspace at the time. As she tracked down and settled into those heart wrenching moments, she remembered her purpose in explaining the unanticipated confusion she'd felt with both Jack and Nathan being Mounties. She'd wanted to give Nathan as much closure as possible for why she no longer saw any romantic future between them.
But she certainly didn't remember saying anything in such an awful way. In fact, what she remembered was mustering enough courage to assure Nathan she actually did love him, but that she just wasn't in love with him, which now honestly felt shocking as well. Reading her journal just moments ago had catapulted her back into all those feelings for Nathan that she clearly saw in retrospect were most definitely not associated with Jack.
Struggling with an answer, Elizabeth started to explain out loud, desperate to repair the lasting heartache she'd caused with just one sentence she'd clearly failed to articulate well. "I suppose I remember saying something like that," she offered, trying to clarify the clouded memory of those painful moments. "But what actually stands out in my mind is how I opened up to tell you what I knew in my heart, that I did love you, but that I just couldn't resolve all the confusion I felt about you and Jack."
Lifting her journal, Elizabeth emphasized, "I do remember writing these words, though, and the entry about Christmas we read earlier tonight." With desperation, she assured him, "It was complicated, yes, but it's clear I was falling in love with you, Nathan."
Since Nathan remained silent, slightly nodding to convey his processing, Elizabeth felt compelled to flood the silence with her love.
"Nathan," she said, putting her hand to his cheek, coarse with its evening stubble. "I am so sorry."
Pulled from his thoughts, Nathan noted the pained pleading in Elizabeth's eyes and felt a healing warmth fully settle his unexpected panic. He now understood that even if said, her seemingly cruel words that day hadn't been intended, and most importantly, hadn't been true. And Elizabeth's remorse was abundantly clear.
The why still had yet to be addressed, but perhaps in the mess of her emotions at the time it was impossible to discern all these years later.
"Thank you," he said simply. "I know," he added, lifting his own hand to his cheek, where hers still rested. He gently enclosed her hand in his, and leaned lightly into her touch.
Always taken aback by Nathan's readiness to forgive, Elizabeth felt driven to share more as she realized all at once the clarity she'd gained with passing time. While she gathered her thoughts, Elizabeth lightly squeezed his hand in succession, once for each word overflowing from her heart to her mind: I. Love. You. How she longed to express her love more fully to this truly impeccable man, especially as she'd been soberly reminded tonight just how close she came to missing her greatest love of all.
She needed Nathan to understand that those awful words she spoke were actually evidence as to how deeply she cared for him, even in her moments of fear.
"In looking back now," Elizabeth reflected, "the only way I can make sense of what I told you is how tied you became to Jack once I thought you'd died in the prisoner transfer." Her heart lurched at the memory.
"Nathan, the love I clearly felt for you, and you only … which I wrote all about in these journal pages," she added, holding up her journal again. "... that love somehow became entangled in fear after I thought I'd lost you like I did Jack. So, I struggled to understand what I was really feeling.
Referencing her clearest example, Elizabeth shook her head in embarrassment as she said, "I'm sure you remember that day I asked you to take off your serge."
"It was memorable, yes," Nathan said with a smirk.
"When I saw you shivering from the cold, it just felt so natural to want you to be comfortable, to want to take care of you," Elizabeth explained. "If I'd been a little more clear in my request, warming your serge by the fire likely wouldn't have seemed so out of place."
Nathan definitely recalled his astonishment when Elizabeth asked in such an expectant, straightforward manner for him to remove his outermost layer.
"But even with the awkwardness," Elizabeth went on, "once I'd finished at the fire, I fell right back into the ease I'd felt when I first asked." Elizabeth flushed at the memory, considering their recent conversation in the forest about buttons.
"I'm sure it surprised you," she laughed, embracing her discomfort, "my buttoning up your serge!"
"I like surprises," Nathan assured her with a teasing smile, "as long as you're involved."
Elizabeth's heart raced at Nathan's flirty banter. She marveled how even in an incredibly serious conversation, they could still get lost in each other.
"Anyway," Elizabeth said, drawing out the word, and giving Nathan a sly look, "that was one of the moments that made me question what I was feeling for you. There was that warmth and ease between us that I couldn't quite separate, having felt the same with Jack, but only after years of being together. So, I started to wonder if the reason I'd come to care for you so much was tied to Jack, like I was …" and for lack of better words, she said with quiet hesitation, "trying to replace you with him, as if maybe having you survive made me feel like I had a part of him still with me."
Realizing she might be bungling it up even more now that she'd landed on the same words, Elizabeth explained, "The underlying message in those words, Nathan," shaking her head at how cruel she now saw they came across, "was that I started to doubt what I felt for you."
Locking her eyes to his, in hopes he'd see the feelings of her heart, she added, "But that's only because what I'd come to feel for you was as great as the love I felt for Jack. It was terrifying to trust in, knowing I could lose you, too. So, I think to protect my heart, I settled on the idea that another great love wasn't possible …" Elizabeth's heart pounded at how exposed she felt with all this sudden openness, "... to love someone new so quickly, so deeply, and especially another Mountie."
Elizabeth withdrew her hand from Nathan's to hold her journal in both hands. "But I did, and that's why I love these pages, now that I've discovered their words again. They show how much I was growing to care for you before the fear of losing you got in the way."
"Listen," she said, now pointing to a line from what they'd already read in her open journal,
For the first time, I felt full of hope …
"And this," Elizabeth said, scrolling her finger down,
Maybe I'll have my second chance after all …
Now both Nathan and Elizabeth were smiling, assured by what was so clearly written in ink.
I felt hope that a relationship could grow from a gift of flowers to a wedding, in time, of course …
What hesitation I held about Nathan being a Mountie faded away, well mostly…
I can see we're aligned in what matters most - family …
I silently thanked Clara for helping me feel hope that I really can have a great love again. And tonight I realized that there's someone settling deeper into my heart as a possibility
Remorse was written throughout Elizabeth's expression as she said, "I don't often go back and read past entries. But I wish I had once I began to have doubts. Maybe I would've understood then that the similarity I was seeing between you and Jack wasn't about who you both were as Mounties, but the amount of love I felt for you both and the way your love made me feel."
Nathan took one of Elizabeth's hands and tenderly placed it against his heart. "Thank you, 'Lizbeth. That means more to me than you could know. I'm sorry my reaction wasn't likely what you expected," Nathan said, his eyes offering just as much apology as his words. With the cadence of Nathan's response, Elizabeth sensed he had more to say, so she waited.
As Nathan planned to willingly remove one of the most protective layers of his heart, he fidgeted with Elizabeth's fingers, staring down at her delicate hand he still held to his chest. Although in the past, he'd typically only shared what was needed, he felt drawn to pull Elizabeth in closer to his heart, to the innermost depths he'd always kept hidden. Subtly, he exhaled, settling his nerves, as he admitted, "It really hurt to hear you say those words, especially with all that I was already feeling around Jack and Fort Clay."
Struck by the deeply personal nature of his comment, and burdened by her responsibility for his heartache, Elizabeth tightened her jaw, attempting to control her quivering chin before she answered, "I've never been more sorry in my life about anything, Nathan."
Although his gaze remained unchanged, he responded by squeezing her hand.
Elizabeth leaned her head against his shoulder, remorse gnawing at her as she realized how many years he'd carried this burden. She couldn't help but wish he'd told her sooner. "Please, Nathan," she said, waiting for him to turn and meet her eyes. "Will you promise to tell me if something is bothering you? I'd hate not to know."
"I promise," Nathan said, so often frugal with his words. The half-smile he offered right after, while holding her gaze, told Elizabeth she was not only, of course, forgiven, but loved even more deeply than before this hard conversation. They rested quietly on the bench for a moment, caught up in their own thoughts.
Nathan's low voice broke the silence. "I know something that might be bothering me in a few weeks," he said in an unexpectedly playful tone.
"What's that?" Elizabeth asked with some hesitation.
"I think I'll be a little chilled out on my rounds ..." he began slowly, testing to see if Elizabeth could tell where he was taking this. Her sparkling eyes and glowing smile suggested she did. But, Nathan finished anyway, for effect, "I might just need a warmed up serge ..."
At the inference, Elizabeth suddenly felt warmed herself. "I think that could be arranged," she said, throwing back just as much fire, "buttons and all."
Nathan was tempted to grab his serge now, but realized the anticipation would make it all the memorable, clearly even more so than their first attempt.
With relief settling from the eventual clarity this conversation brought about and with ample evidence of Elizabeth's enduring love, Nathan felt pleasantly surprised at how resolved he felt, despite having spent years grappling with those painful words about Jack.
Yet, Elizabeth's journal still left one lingering but significant question … Why Lucas? Did the Elizabeth who wrote all those words about him have it in her to also have been writing similar words about Lucas? If she was already having trouble enough opening her heart at all to love again, it seemed impossible that she'd be filling her journal pages about falling in love with two men. So, if her heart had indeed been this intertwined in Nathan's, so early on, then why Lucas? Where did her engagement fit into all this?
Nathan quickly shut down those thoughts, believing they were questions for another time. Elizabeth just poured her out in more ways than one, and he knew he needed to be there for her. He wanted to be there for her.
"'Lizbeth?" Nathan asked.
"Yes?" she asked, turning her face to his.
"I love you," Nathan said sincerely, the emotion in his heart extending clear to his thumb, which he brushed gently across her hand.
With a look of absolute humility, Elizabeth poured all of her heart into these words, "I love you, too."
Their eyes wanted so much more than words right now, to connect what their hearts were exploding to say, but having attempted and failed at more intimacy on these troublesome benches, they settled for one beautiful, lingering, emotion-filled kiss.
As they parted, Elizabeth looked through the blue of Nathan's eyes with a new lens. 'There's a lot you don't show' ran through her mind, and how true that was of Nathan Grant. Only now, she realized was he truly letting her in.
She was reminded again of an iceberg, how ninety percent of the frozen mass remains unseen, buried beneath the ocean's surface. Elizabeth had expected some discussion tonight over her journal entries, but she hadn't expected the eruption of unresolved questions.
Aware of how her one poorly expressed sentence caused so much lasting harm, Elizabeth resolved to be more intentional in her words and with the opportunities she created for Nathan to share his feelings more freely.
"Thank you for your questions, Nathan," Elizabeth said with gratitude. "I know these are hard conversations. But I want it all with you. The hard. The easy." Then as their eyes met, and their natural chemistry ensued, she blurted out, "The fun." With her thoughts implying a range of interpretations to that word, a blush rushed to her cheeks.
"I couldn't agree more," Nathan said, feeling more confident about eventually bringing up his question about Lucas. But not now, Nathan thought, honestly a bit overwhelmed. He'd been more open in the last four hours than he'd been in the last four years, or really probably ever. Before coming to Hope Valley, he'd lived most of his life, he now realized, with a fairly closed off heart. In fact, only to Allie had it been partially open.
Then he met Elizabeth. Arriving from Fort Clay with a heavy heart, broken and closed, it was oddly the grieving widow who from her very first words began mending and molding his heart. Ironically, he'd come to Hope Valley to protect her, to look after her, and yet in those first weeks it was entirely Elizabeth helping him. Nathan was quick to notice how his heart felt more and more open over time.
As their course shifted, Elizabeth abruptly ending hope for a future together obviously crushed him. But even still, it was through Elizabeth that he'd gained the love of the community. Without them, he was sure he would've closed off entirely to all but Allie, too hurt to trust again. But the town really supported him through that time. Although Nathan remained somewhat guarded overall, reeling from Elizabeth's unexpected relationship with Lucas, in just a matter of weeks now with Elizabeth, he found himself shedding the last protective layers around his heart he'd erected clear back in his childhood years.
For all the pain Elizabeth had brought into his life, she'd also made so much joy possible, and he wanted to make sure she was assured more often of all the positives.
"I know you had things to work through with Jack's death," Nathan started, "But I want you to know how much it meant to me that right from the start, you were the one to offer me a home in Hope Valley. Every person I met otherwise had a dozen things to say about Jack." Pointing back at the plaque, he said, "Now it's easier to understand why."
Elizabeth smiled, appreciative of how respectful Nathan was toward Jack. "Don't get me wrong. I knew exactly what I was choosing … far more than anyone realized," he added, thinking of the Fort Clay association. "But even Bill threw me in jail!" he said, chuckling at the memory.
"Then, of all people," Nathan tenderly explained, deliberately interlacing his fingers with Elizabeth's, "you were the only one to welcome me. You lightened the load I carried in being new … and in following a Mountie I couldn't possibly live up to, which was especially hard with my connection to Jack's death."
Elizabeth immediately leaned her head in against Nathan's chest, wanting to release him from any guilt he still bore.
"I felt so grateful to you, 'Lizbeth, to be seen for me."
"Well, I understood," she said with her usual compassion. "I sure got a dose of the town's cold shoulder, as well, when I first came." Thinking of another journal entry she'd written about Nathan, she recalled, "Despite being worried about liking you," initiating a little nudge into his chest, "I really did want you to settle in … to feel like this could be a good home for you, especially once I met Allie."
Nathan shook his head, "I'm sure you couldn't help wondering what kind of a parent I was, losing Allie on her first day in Hope Valley."
Elizabeth laughed, "I'm not at all surprised now, knowing Allie. And if I remember correctly, it was more like she lost herself."
Nathan chuckled, grateful for how he and Elizabeth could ebb and flow between serious and light. He raised his eyebrows, wearing the knowing look of a humbled parent.
"But back then? …" Elizabeth said, reaching back to her memories. "I just remember how reserved you both seemed, like you didn't fully trust that the town wouldn't bite," she added playfully.
"You just caught me off guard," Nathan explained honestly. "For my whole life, I'd lived quietly and kept to myself. Then suddenly, this pesky teacher with the most beautiful blue eyes I'd ever seen was poking her nose where I didn't think it belonged."
"Nathan," Elizabeth lightly scolded. "I was only trying to help."
"Of course you were," he reassured her, "and it wasn't long before I saw that. I'd just never opened up like that to anyone … except for Colleen," he couldn't help but add for honesty's sake, though his heart immediately raced at his open admission. In response, Nathan quickly moved on.
"So, I have you to thank, for helping me open up," he said, casting one of his heart-stopping smiles at Elizabeth. "I wouldn't likely have done it on my own, but you gave me a compelling reason - for Allie. It was you who opened up both of us – Allie and me – to trusting and loving the town." Then tilting his head slightly to rest against hers, he whispered, "You gave us a home."
That last thought brought him back to the plaque. "You know, through you, I've ended up taking Emerson's words to heart as well."
"Really?" Elizabeth asked, obviously intrigued.
Nathan repeated the quote, "Do what you're afraid to do." The familiar heart pounding suddenly materialized as he knew he was opening up yet another one of the closed off rooms in his heart and welcoming Elizabeth in. Despite the flood of vulnerability, he forged ahead.
"Through our conversations over the years, I've realized how much I only gritted my teeth and survived life. I was guarded, and I could clearly feel that contrast when I began to feel the warmth of Hope Valley, through you."
Nathan paused a moment to clear his throat, surprised at how quickly he was feeling emotional. "Being guarded, you don't feel the pain, but then you don't feel the joy and love either." He could feel the first sting of tears in his eyes. "You changed that for me," he whispered, suddenly unable to trust his voice.
After a stabilizing sigh, Nathan continued, "I'm not sure if 'afraid' is exactly the right word, but I was definitely resistant to opening up. After making that plaque, Emerson's words were always in the back of my mind as we spoke since you often put me in a position to share more than I normally would. "
"I had no idea, Nathan," but realized it rang true. A smile spread across her face as she observed, "How ironic and, yet, beautiful, that a gift you made for me ended up helping you!"
"Well, it's like you said to Allie … another quote from Emerson … 'The only way to have a friend is to be one.' So, if you want someone else to do something they're afraid to do, then I'd better do the same, right?"
"That sounds like sage advice," Elizabeth said approvingly.
"I could tell how much you were still hurting about Jack, back then," Nathan empathized. "Has it gotten easier for you as time has gone on?" he asked, hopeful for an answer that also might help him better understand his heartache.
Elizabeth replied thoughtfully, "In a way, yes. But I think some of that is because of where I am, feeling the support of the town around me … and especially having you and Allie. I felt broken for quite some time," Elizabeth acknowledged, "but I've been surprised at how much my grief has been swallowed up in gratitude, gratitude for the time Jack and I had together, and, of course, gratitude for having Little Jack in my life."
Nathan nodded, appearing to be lost in thought.
Remembering her recent resolve, Elizabeth pressed gently, "Is there something on your mind?"
"I guess I'm not clear on why I've missed Colleen more and more as time has gone on. I thought, like with you and Jack, that it was supposed to get easier." Elizabeth placed a loving hand on his back, and softly stroked back and forth across his linen shirt. "As Allie's gotten older, I see so much of Colleen in her and I've just felt this sadness I can't shake … and regret, too."
He sighed both wistfully and with new understanding for the challenge Elizabeth faced with her jumbled emotions. "Now that I'm older, I realized I didn't allow myself to really feel the love I had for her. It was all tangled up in the rough years of our childhood. Then when she passed …" Nathan paused, his eyes blinking rapidly against the threatening tears "... the loss was too much." His voice cracked with emotion, but with determination, he continued, "I had to move on … for Allie, for my mom, for my work."
Just then a few tears spilled over, the first tracking down his cheek before stopping at the stubble of his chin.
Elizabeth felt Nathan shrug his shoulders against her. Trying to lighten the mood, he shook his head, laughing a little, "You can't exactly tear up on the job as a Mountie."
As Nathan caught the second tear, Elizabeth quickly reached her hand up to gently brush away the third. God, she loved this man, so tender beneath the surface.
"I guess what I am afraid to do is to really say goodbye to her, especially now that I see how much Allie needs her more in this time of life than me … It just feels so final." Nathan rubbed at his eyes to remove the final tears.
With conviction, Elizabeth assured him, "Nathan, you've been everything to Allie. I never knew Colleen, but as a single parent myself, I'd stand behind you and say that there's no one else I'd rather have raise my son than you."
Even in the seriousness of the moment, she had to tuck in a smile, realizing what she'd essentially just implied.
But she should've known. Nathan fully noticed and in response was unable to stop a half smile from spreading across his lips.
Leaving the obvious unspoken, Nathan returned to his sister. "I was only in my 20s when Colleen died. So I was bombarded enough just by what the day to day took. I mean, you've seen my level of styling skill for Allie's hair … or lack thereof," he joked. "Then there was the actual emotional toll of helping a little girl grow up without a mom."
In that last statement, taking in how Elizabeth was attentively listening to him, he recognized that he, too, was describing Elizabeth's situation with Little Jack. Surely, she'd struggled with what he felt as well. "I want Allie to know more, but after all this time, I'm just not sure how to talk about it … especially with all that just happened with Dylan."
He watched Elizabeth processing for a moment, her eyes focused ahead, and her lips pursed. "Maybe we could start with a celebration of her life," she suggested. "I'm sure Allie hardly even remembers the funeral. We could invite our closest friends. I'm sure Bill and Lee and Rosemary would love to know more about Allie's mom. Maybe even Angela or Robert would want to come."
A slow, appreciative smile stretched across Nathan's face crinkling clear up to his eyes. "That'd be great."
Nathan felt relieved at Elizabeth's suggestion, both by the idea itself and by the strength of Elizabeth's support. He needed Elizabeth for Allie. But even more so, Nathan knew he needed her for him.
He hadn't mentioned what he was most afraid to do, but he was close … what he'd talked with Bill about yesterday. As seasoned Mounties, neither of them really wanted to need anyone, but somehow with the right person, they both knew that kind of love, if it ever came along, was worth fighting for … it was worth holding nothing back. And hearing Bill's curmudgeonly voice in his head, he, too, hoped for timing quicker than molasses in January.
Elizabeth returned Nathan's smile, reflecting back on where he'd started with the conversation, about being more closed off in the past, which really had been the case for both of them in their different ways.
"I guess we've both had to learn to deal with heartache," she said with hard-earned wisdom. "Rather than running from the pain, it's more healing to accept its course, all the while never forgetting to rely on the loved ones around you." At this, she leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder.
From all the heart thumping emotional moments, Nathan was surprised his heart remained calm as he told Elizabeth, "It's interesting how I came to Hope Valley to look after you, but in the end, you've been there for me … more than you know."
"Always," she promised him, with a knowing smile.
Recalling another past conversation, Nathan responded gratefully, "Thank you for being there for me, at the train station, for one. I'll never forget that."
"Of course," Elizabeth said assuredly, tilting her head up from his shoulder to kiss his cheek.
Then delivering a soft shoulder bump, Nathan said, "Thank you for being here …"
Now Elizabeth turned again, smiling with great appreciation for the Mountie who perfectly remembered all things Elizabeth.
Nathan smiled back with more warmth than had filled him since he was a little boy. Finishing his thought, he added, " … for being so open yourself and helping me do the same." His smile faded as he met her gaze with a soft, but serious expression. "I meant what I said in my letter to you, 'Lizbeth, 'You're the only one for me.'"
"You're my one and only, too," Elizabeth said sweetly, and just as heartfelt.
Nathan pulled Elizabeth to him and wrapped his arms around her in a long embrace.
With a groan, and a growing crick in his back, Nathan admitted reluctantly, "As good as this is, I don't think this bench was designed to accommodate hugs."
"Well, let's start with this," Elizabeth said, slipping out of the bench and into the aisle, pulling Nathan along and back into their embrace. She sighed, fully delighted to be back in proximity of his woodsy fragrance.
Standing there at the front of the church, Nathan drew back to catch Elizabeth's eyes. "You're right," he whispered. "That is much better." Without the constraints of the bench, Nathan kissed Elizabeth with more of his heart than had ever been open to give.
Eventually as their lips separated, Nathan's Mountie-trained eyes swept in more beyond Elizabeth's beauty. Noticing the pulpit in the corner, set aside for Sunday services, Nathan processed their position with new eyes, as if standing in the church. The pieces instantly fell into place as to why Elizabeth's walk down the aisle, with journal in hand, felt so significant.
He surprised Elizabeth by suddenly throwing back his head and laughing before sweeping her up in his arms and giving her another few kisses, each one lingering a little longer than the last. In a school or a church, Elizabeth may not have clued into the special nature of Nathan's hold. But had the threshold of a home been nearby, she clearly would've better understood Nathan's abrupt display of infectious joy.
As Nathan gently set Elizabeth down, she giggled, still caught up in the delight of being scooped up by Nathan. "What was that all about?"
Nathan reached out for her hand, brushing his fingers across hers, especially one in particular. Unable to withhold his grin, he simply answered, "There's just nowhere else I'd rather be."
Elizabeth grinned back, entirely caught up in this lighter side of Nathan.
"Well, you might save that line for our last spot tonight." Casting her hand back at the benches, she said, "It will be far more comfortable, at least!"
Nathan smiled, with only the slightest tinge of mischief. He liked that idea.
"Shall we?" Elizabeth asked, catching the sparkle in Nathan's eyes.
At that, Nathan pulled at Elizabeth's hand and they walked down the aisle, both relishing in the glimpse toward their future.
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Author's Notes:
NotaWriter32 did a remarkable piece on Elizabeth's view of the Season 8 jail scene called "The Decision," and it changed my perspective on Elizabeth's thoughts during that time. I'd always assumed Elizabeth had lied, thinking she had to in order to stop Nathan from continuing to pursue her. But in thinking on it more, Elizabeth had shown in the past that she wasn't the best actress. So, I personally doubt she could've pulled off an outright lie. It was a lie, yes, but it was a lie she believed in. I think she honestly was confused, desperate to explain away a love that at the time felt too risky. Read NotaWriter's story for a much more eloquent perspective on Elizabeth's thoughts. I'd love to hear any overall comments about this chapter or any alternate opinions about Elizabeth's answers as well! Thank you for reading!
The characters in this story are not my own, but come from Hallmark's "When Calls the Heart."
