19: My own medicine.

For half an eternity I stood at the window, my fingers still around the handle. My heart had stopped beating and I was no longer breathing. At some point I did it again. I let go of the cool metal, heard my lungs fill with air loudly, my pulse pounding painfully in my veins. Slowly I turned around. In the darkness, barely visible in the faint light of the night that filtered through the window, a man sat in the chair at my desk. He wore the same kimono as hours ago at dinner, had his arms crossed and stared at me with cold, silver eyes.

Hiashi's voice sent a panicked nausea up my oesophagus. I swallowed, even though my mouth and throat were dry, and searched my body for my voice. "O... O… Otoo-s-sama..." I stammered. It seemed as if my heart was beating in my gums. I could hardly utter a word.

My father got up, turned on the ceiling lamp and displayed a deceptive calmness that worried me more than if he had screamed. "Daughter, I only ask you this one more time, and I demand you to answer. Where have you been?"

Nothing worked in my brain anymore. Like a frightened deer in the headlights, I stood there, staring at my father with empty, wide-open eyes and couldn't move.

Hiashi sighed. He came towards me, still I didn't move. He reached out with his hand and slapped me in my face. My head was thrown to the side by the force and for the first time I could blink again. A burning spread across my cheek, extending to my left eye and the bridge of my nose. I gasped from the pain and felt myself start to tremble. "I listen?"

"I...", I whimpered, swallowed again, although there was not a drop of spit in my mouth, and continued to croak, "I.. I-I... was.. with... m-my boyfriend..."

"Mh-hmmm," Hiashi said slowly and in an ironically thoughtful tone. "So your boyfriend. Do you mean Shino?"

I nodded hastily.

"Or rather someone named 'King'?"

I opened my eyes and turned my head around in shock. My father's face was blank on the surface, but I saw something in his eyes that I hadn't seen in a long time—the last day I refused to attend a meeting. "H-how..."

"How do I know the name?" he asked calmly and twisted his face into a smile. "Oh, I can show you." He went back to the desk. Only now did I notice that there was a black box on it. Someone had removed the lid and the gray laptop, which I had bought for little money in a thrift shop, lay next to the box, opened, and a familiar website was on the screen. I saw that my last two messages to King had been read, but no response had been given. In my panic, I could hardly process this information. It was important to stay in the here and now. My head was stuck in a noose that I didn't know how to loosen.

"What a dirty little daughter I have," Hiashi muttered, picked up the laptop and began to read a few of the messages with a disgustingly disreputable swing in his voice. " 'King, I want to see your cock, right now.', 'I'm hard like shit today', 'Please cum for me', 'Do you like anal', 'Are you into sixty-nine', 'Put your hands around my neck and squeeze so hard that I cum under your control and die', 'You're driving me crazy.. Buttercup.' " He emphasized this last word in particular. His silver eyes flitted to mine, which looked back glassy. "Does he know your real name? Or are you just his whore?" He let out a few quiet "Kst", put the laptop back again and stroked his long, blue-black hair. "I would have expected a lot from you, Hinata. I would have expected you to stand up to the Gin'nome-kai, betray us. That you want to protect Hanabi is honorable of you in a way, but in doing so, you have shown me who you are loyal to." His gaze darkened noticeably. "And that is not me." He came closer to me again. "Right? Hinata? You are not loyal to me, you have never been. You have been a disappointment to me all your life. The last few weeks have clearly shown this." He snorted contemptuously. "Shino? Who is he really?"

Trembling and breathing very shallowly, I couldn't take my eyes off my father's face, which looked at me with a contemptuous expression. "He... he.. is... my boyfriend..."

"DO NOT LIE TO ME!" Hiashi suddenly yelled and I flinched so hard that my knees gave way and I fell to the ground. "He is not your boyfriend," he hissed above me. "You have played it well, verily, and perhaps he is innocent, but if you say once more in my presence that this man is your boyfriend, you will not see the morning, have you understood me?"

I nodded to the floorboards.

"Good." His feet began to slowly circle me. "So, Hinata.. Who is he?"

In panic, I narrowed my eyes and felt a tear escape from my lashes. I couldn't. I may not. It would cost me and Genma's head. I gasped quietly and stammered out the first lie that came to mind, "H-he... He is.. my... client."

Hiashi's feet stopped. "Your what?"

"My.. M-my.. client..."

"Your client, well." He continued on his way. "Then Kaguya was right. You ARE a slut. You sleep with strangers for money. This way you can afford your toys, right?"

"Y-yes..."

Hiashi laughed darkly. "At least she has a sense of business."

I could have thrown up if my body hadn't been busy with more important things like breathing, pumping blood or lying.

"Neji! Tokuma!" he suddenly shouted and I held my breath in shock. Why should –

My room door opened and heavier steps than my father's entered. Through my hanging bangs, I saw my cousin's feet and black slippers peeking out from under gray cloth pants. In all my fear, it flashed into my head how silly I had always found it that the bodyguards walked around the house in suits and slippers. But I quickly discarded this thought because now was absolutely not the right time for it. I had to get myself out of this predicament, which wasn't exactly made any less tight by Neji's and Tokuma's appearance. "Sir?" asked Tokuma.

"My daughter has finally admitted to being a whore," my father explained matter-of-factly. "She sleeps with men, wraps them around her finger by pretending to love them, and thus pulls money out of their pockets. What do you think of that?"

"That... is impressive, sir," Tokuma answered. Neji was silent.

"Hinata, sit up," Hiashi ordered me and I obeyed immediately. My muscles screamed with every movement, preferring to burst, but I had no choice. Above me I saw the menacing figures of the two men and gradually I wondered why Tokuma was still here at all. In the evening he was usually always at home, but presumably, I thought silently, Hiashi had brought him back because of my absence. He eyed me with a cold greed in the light gray irises, which scared me much more than my father was able to do so lightheartedly. I didn't look at Neji at all. I didn't want to know what look he was giving me after we had grown up together.

Hiashi went to the laptop, clicked on my profile and scrolled through all my pictures. "Fascinating, really," he said with a sneering undertone. "You are always so shy in front of the camera, but here you show everything – except your face. You do not want your followers to recognize you, right?" He turned to me. "Shy, little Hinata. You tasteless bitch. Take off your clothes."

I gasped, whimpering.

"I said, TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES!" thundered my father and an expression glided over his face that the devil himself would have been proud of.

Hesitantly, I followed his instructions. My body shook incessantly as I took off the T-shirt I had put back on less than half an hour ago. I unbuttoned my skirt and my eyes inevitably darted to the bathroom door. Hanabi was certainly lying on her futon, scared just as much, if not more, than I was, and probably wondered if I would shout our code word to her and we should try to escape. Oh, my dear little sister. No, I wouldn't. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid of what might come, but I had to keep her out of the game. And I had to make sure that she didn't break with the noises. I had to be quiet.

A composed indifference seemed to have spread across my face, because Hiashi said in a voice vibrating with anger, "Do you really think this will be easy for you, Hinata? You should know me better." He snapped his finger at the other men. "Prepare her."

"Yes, sir," Tokuma replied and I could have choked again at his tone. So he wasn't just here because Hiashi had ordered him to. He WANTED to be here. I didn't know what was worse: Hiashi's willingness to throw me to his hebephile bodyguard, or Tokuma's undisguised joy at it. I had always thought he was a scumbag, now he revealed to what extent he was one. He went to my toy box with feigned curiosity, rummaged around in it a bit, and pulled out the pieces of a costume King had once given me so I could dress up for him when we felt like it. I tried not to reflect in my facial expressions my displeasure that King's small gifts were desecrated for my father's satanic gratification. It was hard to fight against this hatred.

Tokuma crouched down in front of me, smiled greasy at me and shoved a hair circlet on my head. "You're a good little kitten, aren't you?" he cooed and my eyelid twitched briefly, otherwise I didn't show any emotion. He opened my bra, brushed it off my arms with a lustful expression and pinched my nipples sharply. I closed my eyes, trembling. It wasn't like he'd done more than Kakashi, Madara, or Itachi, but they had felt good because they'd treated me with respect. With Tokuma, it was only his charisma that made me shudder unpleasantly. None of this was based on consensus. I had to face the fact: I was about to be raped, even though no meeting was announced and my father didn't get any business related advantages from it. But just like with the meetings, I would do a shit and show them how I really felt about it. I took a deep breath, buried every emotion in my bottomless grave, put on my mask, opened my eyes and the Hinata, who usually only appeared in red make-up and kimono, said quietly, "Meow."

Tokuma's expression twisted into a dirty grin. "And the kitty is willing too." He clicked his tongue. "But I prefer them when they don't make a sound at all." Before I could think further about what he meant by that outside of this context, he pressed the ball gag into my mouth without further ado, which I had only worn once before for King. We'd agreed that we liked it—I liked the way I was demonstrating my submissiveness to him, and he liked the sight—but it hadn't been used more often because we wanted to save it for real sex. Too bad it wasn't King who silenced me with the yielding silicone.

Tokuma straightened up again. "Look at her..", he murmured and could hardly hide his ecstasy. His eyes wandered to the still visible tooth prints on my stomach and an evil glow ran through the pale irises. He turned to Hiashi. "Sir, do you mind if I leave my own mark on her?"

I didn't look at my father, but I could hear from his voice how excited he was about this whole situation. "Do as you please, Tokuma. And you, Neji, I will leave the camera to you. But be sure to capture some good pictures. We do not want to disappoint your cousin's fans, do we?"

"No, sir, we do not," Neji replied. "What about you, Oji-sama?"

"Oh, no, I am not offending my own daughter." How commendable. "But I like to watch you do it." Four chair legs scraped across the wooden floor and out of the corner of my eye, I watched as my father sat down next to me, crossed his legs and secured a place of honor for my abuse. Again, a gag reflex. Fuck. I had to distract my head, otherwise I wouldn't be able to hold my mask.

I closed my eyes and thought of the first thing that came to mind: King. I wore his cat ears, his gag. Maybe it helped if I imagined that it was him. If I didn't look at the two men, I could succeed. It was King who forced me onto my arms and pulled the wet panties off my butt. He was just excited, after all, this was our first time. He couldn't wait.

Tokuma's voice, which said in disgust, "Kst, here's still the cum from her john.", was a commentator for whom I had not yet found the mute button. The thumb that shoved into me was King's. It was King. No one else. My beloved King.. Oh shit, where are you?

When I was pushed backwards with rough force so that I landed on my ass and painfully supported myself with the heels of my hands, I accidentally opened my eyes and caught a glimpse of what was happening in front of me. As expected, my father sat on the chair in front of my bed and watched the scene attentively. Neji was standing, completely undressed and aroused, with a camera in his hand two feet away from me, I couldn't read his face in the short time. Tokuma's, on the other hand, promised me that he enjoyed all of this. He was also naked and hard and just pulled the panties off my legs to spread them and give Neji a better motif.

My eyelids dropped again and I tried not to grimace, although I would have preferred to cry and scream and kick right now. I would have preferred to do everything, but instead I lay on my back, raised my arms, making me a human and powerless rubber doll as usual, clawed my fingernails into my wrist to keep me from possible defense mechanisms, and concentrated on King again. Well, there was one positive side to this: I was able to strike Neji and Tokuma off as candidates. They were both too small and too hairy for King. At least something.

I didn't know what I would have done or thought if I had seen a flower-shaped birthmark on the bottom of the shaft near the root on one of them. I would probably have started kicking everything around me so that my father would cut my throat with one blow and it would all be over. King was the only thing that didn't make me lose my mind. I didn't think it was possible, but the thought of him helped me ignore my physical sensations and reactions. I indeed knew something was pressing into me, but I didn't feel it. In my head, I just saw his black shirt and black cloth pants, his exposed, veiny forearms, his long, slender fingers forming a peace sign. I imagined his shapely lips curling into a smile, then opening and his deep voice softly saying, "Hey, Buttercup."

"Hey, King," I grinned back in my mind. "Why did it take us so long to do this?"

His chest shook briefly as he giggled darkly. "I don't know. We should have met much earlier."

"Yes, we should have.."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize."

"I must.. If I hadn't been so embarrassed, you wouldn't have to go through this now."

"It's okay."

"No.. You don't want to admit it, Buttercup, but you're suffering right now. You always have when they've done something like that to you. You tried not to show it to anyone, including yourself, but every time it killed a little bit of you. Hm," he snorted half amused, "it's actually sad, but I understand why you're so obsessed with sex."

"Really? Why? I don't understand it. I shouldn't enjoy it that much, should I? Most people who experience sexual violence are afraid of being touched at all. But I.. I'm different. Broken. Why?"

"Think about it, Buttercup. You know the answer."

"No, King, I don't. I hate myself for not having my libido under control. This is.. I'm hurting you with that."

"I don't matter."

"Yes, you do."

"No, I don't. As I said, I understand it."

"Explain it to me."

"Can't you really figure it out?"

"No, King. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why I'm like this, like.. so.. crazy and.. so stupid."

His cool hand rested on my cheek and on his lips I could see that he was smiling melancholy. "You're not stupid, Buttercup. You're broken, yes, but not stupid. You were just destroyed by your own past. For as long as you can remember, the only attention you have received has been violence. Your father beat you, your private tutor beat you, the men in the meetings beat you and abused you at the same time. That's all you know. You were never lovingly hugged. You were never told that you had done something well, only how you could become even better. Has anyone ever told you before me that they love you?" I shook my head. "And I think that's why you long for it. You long for affection, you would sacrifice everything for it. You're not a bitch, a slut, a whore. You just don't know how to deal with your feelings and do it in the only way you can imagine: sex. Because of the men in the Ame, you think that physical connection is synonymous with emotional connection. You've seen how comfortable they are, how openly they deal with it, and that's turned things around in your mind. You automatically associated affection, pleasure and even love with sex. That's why you enjoy it, even though the years of abuse should speak against it. Kakashi, Madara and Itachi didn't tell you they loved you, but they showed you that you were worth something to them by treating you, huh, well, more or less tenderly. And that's why you're mad at them, because by distancing themselves from you, they deprive you of the opportunity to run after that little spark of affection. Don't be angry with me if I say so, but I suspect you don't love them, neither of them, not even Genma. You only love what they represent and the feeling that their closeness triggers in you. Because they don't hate you or loathe you. Because they care about you."

"King..?"

"Yes, Buttercup?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Are you one of them?"

King snorted slightly. "Buttercup.. This conversation takes place in your head. I can't answer that for you here."

"But.. You just explained to me why I'm so weird."

"No, you explained it to yourself, with my voice. I said you're smart. I can't talk to you right now because I'm not here. But believe me, Buttercup, I would if I were. I'd protect you. I will, I promised you."

"King..?"

"Yes..?"

"When we're facing each other, can you hug me?"

His black shirt came closer to me, his strong arms wrapped around my shoulders and a woody smell penetrated my nose. "Yes, Buttercup, I will."

And as I closed my eyes in my mind, I opened them in reality. Only dimly did I perceive how the ceiling above me moved. Tears ran from the corners of my eyes, mixed with my sweat and ran down my temples into my hair. Why did it hurt so much? My heart was bleeding and I knew that the tears were not from any humiliation or pain, because I still didn't feel anything in my body, only in my chest. There my lungs stung from the restrained whimpering. I wanted to scream. I wanted to call for King to finally come, get me out of here, end all of this. Because fuck, I only loved him. He was everything to me. Maybe it was just because he was the first person to whisper these three little words to me with his thumb, but I had done it beforehand.

I had fallen in love with him because he was a person who had shown me what I could have with his manner and humor and his tender dealings, that there was more than disgust and indifference. There was true affection between him and me, which was not based on physical attraction triggered by compatible pheromones.

I had fallen in love with him, even though I didn't even know what he looked like, just because of what he had been writing for over two years.

Just please, King, please don't push me away from you too. It would be so much more painful with you. Whatever it is that keeps you from being with me, we can sort it out, get rid of it. Only you don't get rid of me.

As if from far away, I heard a loud noise. It was a moan, I could hear it clearly. It tore me out of my numbness and I felt something hard slip out of me, leaving a heat behind. Suddenly a shadow moved in front of the lamp above me, I saw shoulder-length, dark hair, a black device with a red light flashing on it, and then something hit my trembling lips and I squinted my eyes to prevent any of Neji's sperm from getting into them.

With a soft squeak, I gasped and turned my head away, but a strong hand grabbed me, held it in position and I only perceived in a daze how the lens of the camera came close to my face. An eerie laugh boomed in my ears. "Now she looks like a whore, too." Who said that? I didn't know, I didn't want to. Basically, it didn't matter, did it?

Neji slapped me on the cheek and finally brought me back. With the renewed burning in my face came the other pain: the pulling of my inner thighs, probably because my legs had been pushed far apart, the pinching in my vagina, the tugging on my nipples and the relentless pressure on my neck. Something heavy lifted from my chest and I was able to take a deep breath, noticing that my left nostril was blocked. Whether from snot, cum or something else, was unclear. Something beeped and someone applauded. "Well done, gentlemen," my father's voice said. "Tokuma, you truly have a talent for this kind of thing. I am thinking about letting you be present at my daughter's sweet little sessions in the future so that you can enjoy her more often. She does not seem to object to it."

"That would be an honor, sir," Tokuma slied. "And the video?"

"Cut it so we can be sure that only she is recognizable and upload it to her profile. There are almost four hundred people waiting to see how she is taken."

"Yes, sir," came Tokuma's voice. Neji added, "It is going to be an interesting night shift, isn't it?"

Tokuma laughed wickedly. "This overtime is worth it."

"Get out of here and Tokuma, call Kou upstairs," Hiashi snapped at the two, no doubt they bowed and a door was opened and closed. It became quiet. I only heard my own rattling breath. Then I heard soft footsteps and my father's face appeared above me, interrupting my staring competition with the lampshade. He was obviously kneeling next to me. "I hope you have learned your lesson, Hinata. No one opposes me and my word, have you understood me? If you do that again, I will not be so friendly. Because.." I flinched as he stroked my chest with his finger. ".. you enjoyed it too much for my taste, little daughter. This will no longer be the case in the future. Actually, I only came up tonight because I wanted to let you know that you have to get ready for a meeting tomorrow. The Hoozuki come all the way from Kyuushu to conduct the final contract negotiations, and I wanted to make them happy with you. Too bad. You know what I will do to you when the deal does not go through, right? I will show you no more mercy, Hinata. You will learn to obey me."

The door opened again. "Sir?" asked Kou. There was no surprise in his voice. Apparently he knew what had happened up here. To be honest, I was surprised that he hadn't been allowed to be part of it.

"Bathe my daughter, she stinks of sex," Hiashi said and straightened up again. "If you wish, I will give you my permission to take her, she deserves it. But do not let her out of your sight."

"Yes, sir," Kou answered.

"And lock doors and windows so that she doesn't run away again."

"Yes, sir."

"I am now going to bed."

"Yes, sir."

My father left and for the third time my room door closed.

A silent sigh sounded, which I could not classify in my current state. Then soft feet came to me, warm, calloused hands opened the clasp of my gag and the silicone ball was pulled out of my mouth along with a lot of spit. "Can you sit up, Hinata-sama?" Kou asked quietly.

I lifted my trembling upper body up and saw for the first time how Tokuma had beaten me. My skin was wet, smelled repulsively of sweat and urine, and was marked all over by rashes of teeth and fingernails. It was amazing how well I had been able to block out all this. There was and blood stuck between my legs and my private parts hurt as I moved. Amazing how someone with a smaller penis than my three desired partners could do more damage.

Kou wordlessly took the cat ears out of my hair and heaved me under the armpits onto my legs, which could hardly hold me. "Come on, we'll wash you first," he said softly and maneuvered me over to the bathroom, where he sat me on the edge of the bathtub and turned on the tap. Gently he helped me to lift my heavy legs and let me slide into the hot water, the level of which rose steadily. He took off his gray jacket, rolled up the sleeves of his shirt, pressed a load of shower gel onto his palm and began to spread it on my back in carefully circular motions.

This treatment was unexpectedly wholesome and I understood that Kou hadn't wanted to participate at all and was probably glad that Hiashi hadn't ordered him to do so. It wasn't that I liked him or trusted him much, but he had always been a rather quiet character, and even before that I had wondered if he liked being my father's bodyguard at all. He was much too nice for that, in contrast to Iroha and especially Tokuma. "Th—thanks..," I whispered to my knees, which I had pulled up to my chest.

Kou did not answer. He turned on the shower head and washed the soap from my skin.

"Kou-san?" I asked in a hushed voice so as not to disturb Hanabi.

"Don't talk, Hinata-sama," he fended off and lathered up my hair instead.

I pulled my legs even closer to me and bit into my skin. All numbness was gone. It wanted to burst out of me, but I couldn't let it. It would have meant showing weakness, and even though I might have been able to allow it in front of Kou, I didn't want to. I didn't want it in front of myself. Because fuck, my inner King was right. I didn't want to admit it, but I suffered. I had always suffered, had continued to break until nothing was left of me, just an acting shell full of self-doubt. I should have stayed with Itachi. It was naïve to believe that my status as an informant for the police was sufficient to end this ordeal. I had indeed underestimated my father. I would never have believed that he would go so far just because I had sneaked out in the evening. Then I wondered what he would have done to me if he knew the truth.

The lie about my existence as a whore had come to me spontaneously and to my greatest luck it had fit and had not been exposed. So, my father was now convinced that I sold my body for money. That was still better than if he knew what I was really doing behind his back and, above all, with whom. Hiashi was never allowed to know anything about Madara or Itachi.

Slowly I got my teeth out of my knees. Madara.. Shit. If I hadn't destroyed his camera, he might have seen what had just happened, and he probably would have intervened somehow. He would have stormed the estate with a few of his people, shot his way through to me and killed my father. Or.. he would have been killed himself. No.. It was good that he hadn't noticed anything about this. Yes, it would have prevented me from being humiliated in this way, but it could have cost him his life. And I didn't want to risk that. What was his health compared with my dignity? Correct, nothing.

I had to give it up a long time ago and this night was a painful milestone in it. The only thing I hated was the fact that King would see the video. I wondered if one could tell that I didn't do any of it voluntarily, or if it was more likely to join the long list of hardcore porn. And that with my face in it. There it went, the last remaining piece of my mutilated honor. I had unwittingly become the star of a private adult film. How could I ever look King in the eye after that..?

"Hinata-sama," Kou said and I flinched. "You should go to bed now."

With burning eyes, I blinked up at him, nodded, and rose heavily. All strength had left my body and I could never have expressed my gratitude that Kou supported me, wiped the water from my body superficially with a towel and led me back to my room. He swung my duvet back and squatted himself to gently sit me down on the futon. Then he got a fresh pair of pajamas from my closet and helped me put on my shirt and pants as if I was a clumsy toddler and he was my indulgent father.

With all this unexpected tenderness, every wall in me collapsed. My chin began to tremble and I clung to this warm shirt in front of me, whimpering uncontrollably. "Shhhh," Kou said and patted my quivering back. "I'm here, Hinata-sama, I'm here.."

I sobbed loudly and buried my face in the crook of his neck. "Why does it hurt so much..", I breathed and only subliminally perceived his pleasant scent.

"I know," Kou whispered back.

We stayed like this for a few minutes, I sitting, he kneeling, arm in arm, until he slowly broke away from me, wiped a tear from my cheek and opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something. He closed it again, lowered his eyes and said, "I'm sorry." With that he got up, turned the keys of the window and the bathroom door, pulled them off and paused once more before leaving my room. Again he seemed to struggle with the words, just nodded, turned off the light and closed the door with a soft click. I heard him lock it as well, and his footsteps finally moved away.

Tired, I let my gaze wander through my quiet room. On the floor in front of the window, all kinds of bodily fluids were gradually drying and the box of King's gifts was still on the desk. Next to it, however, there was no laptop to be seen, neither the expensive one I used at university, nor the old one with which I had always been in contact with King. My father must have confiscated them, and I knew I didn't need to look for my phone. He wasn't stupid. If he was going to lock me up, he would certainly make sure that I couldn't ask anyone for help.

I was alone, cut off from the outside world, unable to save myself or hope for salvation from others.

With aching limbs, I lay down, brushed away my wet hair from under my face and hid my trembling body under the blanket. This morning, a damn pimple on my forehead had been my biggest concern. If I had known where I was now, I would have preferred any form of acne.