A Fully Caffeinated Life

Chapter 1: A Fine How Do You 'Do

The apartment's bedroom was quiet save for the sound of its current occupant scribbling away on the pages of the journal that rested on her knee as she sat there at the edge of the bed with pen in hand, clad in bright pink pyjamas patterned with little images of red and white megaphones.

My name is Barista Garnet.

On my roommate/therapist/awesome GF Megumi's advice, I've started keeping a journal to help me process my thoughts, maintain a consistent record of my day-to-day life, and generally stay on top of things.

It's been an eventful few months… which is pretty much what my entire life has consisted of up to now. I was created through cloning in a lab by a self-proclaimed 'evil scientist', quickly realised that I wasn't really cut out for the evil lifestyle and set out to try and find my place in the world… or multiverse, as it turns out.

I met a Ratcicle who (whom?) I nicknamed North, the ice-manipulating Titan proving to be just as fed up with the evil way of life as I was, and together we journeyed out into the unknown. I discovered my latent potential for Mojo magic and trained to get a handle on my powers with the help of some jungle-dwelling bandicoot heroes and their spirit mask mentor and things were looking up.

…And then I fell through a quantum rift into another time and space. You know, as you do.

Luckily, I still had North at my side, thanks to a neat little magic trick those bandicoot heroes taught me, and while it was rough for us at first, we were soon taken in by Megumi, a local resident who is just… Well, she is just the best, honestly. Like, more so than I can even put into words.

With Megumi's help, along with the support of some dimensional counterparts of those bandicoot heroes I mentioned before, I was able to come to terms - at least in part - with some internal struggles I was having, and tie up some loose ends while I was at it. I think… No, I am doing a lot better now. A right lot better.

I've tried my hand at a few part-time jobs here in Neon City, and I'd like to think I've expanded my skill set as a result. You know, a little. I'm also meditating more regularly and I've even been trying my hand at yoga recently. Not sure if I like the latter yet (my lower back still aches following my most recent session). I've been sleeping better, with fewer nightmares overall. I think I'm finally starting to get used to a lot of the futuristic technology found in this dimension, the AI system built into Megumi's bathroom being one of the more notable examples.

"Barista!" Megumi called from the living room. "It is being close to nine-thirty!"

Barista looked up from her journal, glancing at the closed bedroom door. "Okay! I'll start getting ready!" she called back, hastily finishing her journal entry:

Speaking of which, I gotta hit the shower. Will write again soon. B.G. out.

The bat girl set her journal aside, leaving it on the bedside table, its pink cover bearing an outlined image of a white coffee mug, a heart shape visible in the foam atop the illustrated mug's contents. She then hurried into the nearby bathroom, already pulling at the sleeves of her pyjamas as she went.

"Good morning, Barista Garnet," the bathroom's recently upgraded AI greeted in its cool, level female voice; having been previously relegated to the shower cubicle, it now encompassed the entire bathroom and offered a wealth of new automated services as a result. "Are you ready to begin your deluxe bathroom experience? You can select a pre-programmed experience from a list of default options, or you can create a custom experience that caters to your needs step by step and can then be saved to your preferred settings for future sessions if you wish."

"Access my preferred settings, please," Barista said without missing a beat, having cast aside her pyjama top and was now pulling her leggings down to her ankles, sliding them past her feet.

"There are currently three programs saved to your preferred settings. Based on your verbal feedback, I have loosely designated them as 'Morning Routine', 'Bedtime Relaxation' and 'Oh, Gosh, This Is So Embarrassing, I Hope Megumi Does Not Accidentally Use This One'. Which program would you like to run?"

Barista felt her cheeks reddening profusely underneath her light brown fur as she straightened up, now completely unclothed. "Ch-Change the name of that last one!" she spluttered, her blue eyes wide with lividness. "Call it… um… BG Special! And once you've done that, run the Morning Routine one!"

"Understood. Your preferred settings have been updated. The name 'BG Special' has been registered and saved," the AI confirmed. "Running 'Morning Routine' program. Please step into the shower cubicle when you are ready. Be aware that the floor may be slippery; caution is advised."

"I'm always cautious about this," Barista muttered to herself as she stepped into the cubicle, pulling the glass door shut behind her.

One thankfully uneventful shower later, Barista was dressed in her casual clothes - a white t-shirt with a pink paw print insignia and a navy blue pair of jeans - as she stood in front of the bathroom mirror, eyeing the list of buttons on the wall next to the sink warily. Before she could press any of them, however, a knock at the bathroom door rang out, making the bat girl jump slightly.

"Breakfast is nearly ready, my dear Garnet!" Megumi's voice called.

"Okay, I'll just be a few more minutes!" Barista replied. She then grimaced apprehensively. "Alright, fine, I'll give it a go, if only to speed things along." She pressed the button labelled 'Hair And Make-Up' and braced herself, her fists clenched. A compartment in the ceiling opened up and what looked like the polished hood of a larger-than-average hair dryer descended on a metal pole, lowering until it covered Barista's entire head, bathing her in darkness. A cyan holographic screen then lit up before her eyes, the voice of the bathroom's AI sounding in her ears through some sort of speaker system built into the device:

"Welcome to your personalised hair and make-up experience, Barista Garnet. You currently have no programs saved to your preferred settings. Would you like me to pick out a groovy look for you based on current fashion trends? Or would you prefer a tailored experience to like, ensure the perfect level of glamour?"

"Wow, you sure sound casual all of a sudden," Barista murmured, raising an eyebrow.

"I am programmed to role-play as a hip and happenin' stylist to like, make your hair and make-up experience totally rad, girlfriend," the AI said in a hammed up tone of voice that caused Barista to burst out laughing. "I take it that you're digging this angle?"

"Oh, quite!" the bat girl exclaimed, chortling. "You know what? I'll take my chances. Pick me out something cool. Oh, but not too cool," she added quickly. "I don't want space buns. Heck, I don't think my hair's long enough for that."

"It's no big D, girl," the AI assured her. "I'm like, equipped with state-of-the-art hair extension nanotechnology that can make fully sick artificial strands from recycled matter. It's like 3D printing… to the extreeeeme!"

Barista laughed again. "Okay, you've gotta dial it back a bit with that hammy persona," she said. "But seriously, no space buns. Oh, and no drastic colour changes; I don't wanna walk out onto the streets with green hair."

"I hear you loud an' clear, girlfriend. Just chillax and I'll have you lookin' rad stylish in two shakes of a pony's tail," the AI assured her. "Actually, that's like, a totes groovy idea." On that note, the device over Barista' head whirred to life, vibrating at a vigorous pace, a low, mechanical hum ringing out.

"Wh-Whoa!" she exclaimed, instinctively reaching up to clasp at the sides of the mechanical hood. From the outside, it looked like the bat girl was trying to prise a large, cylindrical bucket from her head. From inside the device, it was a flurry of small brushes, combs, aerosol product dispensers and powder puffs, all operated by thin, snake-like mechanical appendages. Barista felt like a worm being tugged at by a bunch of birds; her hair and face were being positively bombarded by products and grooming tools from all angles all at once. "H-Hey, take it easy, will ya? That's kinda— Yeowch!" she yelped as one of her eyebrows was plucked by a small tweezer-like tool. She then sneezed as a large powder puff bumped lightly against her visage once, twice, thrice, the resulting cloud of pink cosmetic powder tickling her nostrils. "Ah… AH-CHOO!" This was followed by a sudden curious tingling sensation on the back of her head as automated tools twisted and turned her hair every which way - the extensions the AI had boasted about, perhaps? The coffee bat hoped that the artificial intelligence wasn't going overboard…

"Aaaaand that's a wrap!" the AI announced a moment later, the whole process having taken less than two minutes. "Rise and shine, you're a beauty sublime!"

The hooded contraption lifted up and Barista took one look at herself in the bathroom mirror and let out an over-the-top, open-mouthed gasp of cartoony proportions, her blue eyes nearly bulging out of her head.

"It's…! I… I look…!" She struggled to find the words.

Gazing into the mirror, a fur-covered visage with short, curled eyelashes, perfectly even-length brows, eyelids adorned with dark purple mascara, cheekbones coated in a pale pink blush and a muzzle adorned with a slightly darker shade of pink lipstick stared back at Barista. Her purple hair looked glossier than usual in addition to being somewhat wavy, its pinkish red streak extending further down than normal, the lengthened fringe hanging down right between her eyes. Her hair was extended along the back of her head as well, tied back in—

"A PONYTAIL?!" the bat girl shrieked, reaching back to feel the tied back purple extensions, which bore the same pinkish red streak as her fringe. "You gave me a ponytail?!"

"A body wave ponytail, to be precise," the bathroom AI confirmed, dropping the hipster act and reverting to its default, borderline robotic demeanour. "Does it… not appeal to you, Barista Garnet?"

"Appeal to me?" Barista repeated softly, sounding aghast. "I… I…"

And then she broke out into a huge, broad smile of joyous glee.

"I LOVE IT!" she positively screamed, and all at once, she was twirling around in a circle on the bathroom rug, her new ponytail flowing through the air behind her. "I love it, I love it, I love it! It's so bouncy and wavy and cute and… Oh, I don't know how to thank you!"

"You are most welcome, Barista Garnet," the AI told her calmly, seeming unfazed by the bat girl's sudden euphoric enthusiasm. "Would you like me to save this look to your preferred hair and make-up settings?"

"Ohoho…! Oh, yeah!" Barista declared eagerly with an excited laugh, turning her head left and right to admire her new ponytail, reaching back and running her fingers through it. It felt so smooth and silky against her fur-covered digits. "Wow, it's like freshly spun gossamer; it feels so velvety and slides between my fingers so easily… and these strands are just the extensions! How does my…?" she began, her words trailing off as she felt at the hair atop her head, noticing how light and fluffy it felt. "Ooh, it's like a cloud of cotton candy; it feels so weightless!" She put her hands on her hips and grinned up at the bathroom's ceiling, as though expecting to see some embodiment of the AI system embedded in the polished tiles above. "You must be packing some seriously next level products to get my hair looking and feeling this good," she said, grinning.

"Industrial strength volumisers, deep conditioners and hair elixirs, all pre-installed in my systems courtesy of a business partnership between my manufacturers and Amberly Aromatics And Cosmetics," the AI elaborated.

"The same company that makes my favourite perfume…" Barista mused, eyeing a dark purple crystal bottle that stood upon the bathroom sink, the words 'Belfry Kisses' emblazoned on it in silver cursive. She grinned. "I should've known."

Megumi hummed to herself as she lined the three plates on the kitchen counter with freshly toasted square waffles, soon drizzling maple syrup over them. She had just finished preparing the food when movement in the living room caught her eye, Barista standing just behind the sofa looking positively ecstatic, gently patting at her hair and letting out a light giggle of childlike delight. An animalistic grunt sounded from the sofa, the bulky blue figure seated upon it turning to glance back at Barista, the monster's face showcasing a pair of beady black eyes and a row of jagged teeth, a red scarf emblazoned with a gold letter 'N' insignia worn around the thick folds of his neck.

"Well?" Barista asked the monster expectantly, an eyebrow raised knowingly as she gestured to her outfit and hair. "How do I look?"

North the Ratcicle's teeth aligned into a crooked smile and he gave a gruff growl of a chuckle, giving Barista a thumbs up in approval with a clawed digit. Barista smiled and suddenly embraced the North in a hug from behind, the frosty Titan grunting in mild surprise.

"Forget diamonds - Titans are a girl's real best friend," the bat girl declared. North, on his part, turned his attention back to Megumi's flat-screen TV, having been watching a live sporting match, the sport's two commentators appearing on screen.

"I'm Chick Gizzard Lips!" the first of the two smartly dressed anthropomorphic chickens proclaimed brightly.

"And I'm Stew!" his cohort inputted enthusiastically.

"And this is CTR TV, live from Neon City!" Chick announced. "It's been a fierce competition, folks, but this no-holds-barred exhibition match of Rumble seems to be at its apex, with both teams being less than a hundred Wumpas away from total victory!"

"Yeah, and the winners of this match will be taking home the season trophy!" Stew declared. "Man, it's been a clucking good season, wouldn't you agree, Chick?"

"Whoa, watch the language there, Stew! Remember, we're on the air!" Chick exclaimed, tugging at the collar of his shirt, chuckling nervously, beads of sweat appearing on his forehead.

"I know I'm on the air; I'm practically floating!" Stew said, Chick's reprimanding going completely over his head. The less reserved of the two commentators then patted his belly. "Woo! Gotta lay off the poached eggs!"

"A-And on that note, let's take a look at our competitors!" Chick babbled, now afraid that Stew was going to cost the both of them their jobs as reporters. The camera cut away to the two competing teams and Barista let out a shriek of delight, making North jump, startled.

"OHMYGOSH, IT'S THEM!" the bat girl shrieked, looking like she might wet herself in excitement. "Megumi, come quick! They're on TV!"

"Who is on TV?" Megumi asked as she stepped out of the kitchen. "You know I do not like to be playing the pronoun game, Barista."

"It's the Bandicoots and Dingodile!" Barista elaborated, pointing a finger at the TV screen, which showcased a close-up of the two competing sports teams, one of which indeed consisted of Crash, Coco, Tawna and Dingodile, while the opposition was made up of a blue kangaroo-like creature in a strait-jacket, a tall, blue-skinned woman in gold armour, a bald man with an oval-shaped head and bolts on the sides of his neck, and an anthropomorphic individual with bat wings and a cat's tail, the latter competitor clad in a black jacket, torn jeans and a belt with a buckle designed in the likeness of a skull. "Oh, wow, they've sure got some outlandish competition. Ooh, check it out - one of them's a bat, like me!"

Megumi smiled knowingly in response to her roommate's enthusiasm, but then the azure-haired bandicoot woman's expression turned serious. "Barista, please, come and be getting your breakfast. Your dentist appointment is at eleven, I will remind you again."

Barista let out a childish little whine as she forced herself to turn away from the TV, barely able to take her eyes off of the bat-like competitor, who was now adjusting the folds of the leather jacket they wore, a smug, confident expression on their green, almost cyan furred visage. "So cool…" she murmured as she went to fetch her plate of waffles from the kitchen.