A/N: A look at toilet water, the other thirst mutilator, after the main events of the 2006 film "Idiocracy".


Formula Mondo

Joe Bauers, former corporal of the United States Army, sat at his desk in the White House. As the Vice President to President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho, he was acknowledged as the smartest man in the world. This might have been quite the accomplishment if Joe lived in the time he was born, but as part of an Army project called "The Human Hibernation Project" he was frozen as an example of a man of average intelligence with the intention of waking in one year – in other words, he was expendable. Due to circumstances, his sleep lasted 500 years instead and in the meantime the intelligence of the world's population declined to the point where he now stood out as a genius in a world of, to put it kindly, less intelligent people. The world had always had a small percentage of idiots, morons and imbeciles, to use the outdated psychological classification system; but now almost the entire world's population consisted of them. Statistically, there were probably a few with higher intelligence – but if there were, Joe hadn't heard of any.

As an example, Joe had to fight to try the radical approach of irrigating plants with water rather than a sports drink. During society's mental decline, corporations took over and it was now the conglomerate Brawndo's opinion (and hence the public's) that their Brawndo with electrolytes was a thirst mutilator and therefore better to drink than water. And if it was good for people, it was good for plants too and when the plants died as a result nobody was able to fathom a connection between the two. Water became something that was only good for the toilet until Joe proved that plants thrived on it, much to the shock of everyone.

"What are you doin' Joe?" Rita asked as she came into the room. Now married to Joe, she had been the other person in the cryogenic experiment. Participating in the experiment provided her with an escape from her life of prostitution with a pimp named Upgrayedd, and by all accounts she was now the second-most intelligent person on the planet.

"Thinking," Joe responded as he smiled at his wife.

"There doesn't seem to be a lot of that going around," she joked as she came around the desk and sat on his leg.

"I know. That's what I was thinking about. I really want to help these people. This world is in horrible shape and I just can't stand my and do nothing. Why do I get the feeling that everything I come up with to help is going to be a hard sell?"

"Maybe because everything you come up with to help IS going to be a hard sell. At least you've got me, so there are two of us now. And even if President Camacho doesn't understand why you want to try something different, I think he'll back you. His cabinet…" she let the thought trail off.

"…will probably follow me around like a group of puppies no matter what I do," Joe finished. Even his legal counsel and friend Frito Pendejo wasn't any more mentally astute than anyone else. Or if he was, Joe didn't want to think about what THAT meant about everyone else. "There's so much that needs to be done, and everything depends on everything else. I don't know where to start."

"You were in the Army, right?"

"Yeah."

"What did you do again?"

"I was a librarian. I'm not an expert on anything, but I can organize pretty good. Hey, maybe I could get people to read and…" he started out enthusiastically until he and Rita both looked at each other and shook their heads together.

"Nah…" they said in unison.

"What did they teach you were the most important things?" she asked.

"Food. Shelter. Water. Always answer 'Sir' to anyone with more rank than you unless you want to clean the latrine. Never EVER get with a woman offbase without…well, anyway, the first three I guess."

"Concentrate on the basics then."

Joe considered. "I think we got them back on track with the food now that the plants are growing again. I can't put up a building right now – I don't have a clue how to do that. I guess that leaves water." He looked over at his jug of Brawndo and winced. He was really starting to hate the stuff, but he couldn't just drink alcohol all the time either. "We could get the people to drink water. That would be healthier for everyone. Maybe it might help?" he half-asked.

"Why don't they drink water now?"

"Everyone thinks it's for toilets. Oh, and I guess plants now too."

"See? You should be able to convince them. Anybody can see that…that…well, maybe you won't be able to convince them after all," Rita said as she thought about it.

Joe snapped his fingers. "I can't. But all we have to do is convince someone else who can do it for us." Or influence, he thought to himself.

"You've already ruined me! What do you want to do, ruin me worser?" John Dough asked as Joe and Rita stood in the office of the CEO, President and public face of the Brawndo megacorporation. They didn't own everything in the world, but they were the biggest.

Joe fought the urge to ask how something that was ruined could be ruined more. Instead, he tried to be more conciliatory. "Look, I know that the Brawndo stock tanked when the water worked on the plants. And yes, almost half of the population worked for Brawndo in one way or another. But we've got food again, and I think I've got an idea that could get you back on your feet again."

"When my ancestor Brian Dough started this company and named it after himself, he vowed to make this world a better place." John also checked – he was pretty sure he was already on his feet since he was standing.

Rita looked outside the high-rise window at the urban decay below. Garbage piles still stood beside crumbling buildings. "This is better?"

"Better for me. Better for my family, anyway. Now what? Who's going to sweep the garbage away from my house if I can't afford to hire anyone now?"

"Who indeed," Joe said as he prepared himself. Being logical might have its advantages, but probably not here; however, it was a good place to start. "What would I tell you if I said there was something you could get for free and then sell to people to drink?"

"Something free? If it's free it ain't worth nothin'. You might as well try to sell people toilet water to drink," John said as he scoffed. "So, go ahead and tell me – what is this 'great' thing," he said using air quotes although he only used one hand so technically it was an air open quote "that is supposed to save Brawndo from being ruined."

"I thought you said you were already ruined."

"MORE ruineder," John corrected.

"Um…"

"Tell him," Rita prodded.

"Ah…water," Joe finally answered.

John burst out laughing, almost bursting a blood vessel as he slapped the wall in hilarity. "Water!" he continued, now pounding his head on the top of the desk, knocking pencils and a picture of somebody's wife off the top while the bulb in the lamp blew out. He flopped into his chair and spun around. "Water! Water! Come get your water! Straight from the toilet!" he called out. He spun around a few more times, then stopped as exhaustion set in and he took a moment to catch his breath. He looked up with bleary eyes. "That was almost as funny as watching that guy get kicked in the…"

"No, I mean it," Joe interrupted. "I know it seems strange. But think about it – water makes plants grow."

"I ain't no plant."

"But you're alive, right?"

"Only for right now. I was kinda hoping I'd die laughing right there, but you ruined that too." John coughed a few times and didn't continue.

"Listen to me. A long time ago – well, longer than that – where I came from, people used to pay good money for water. They'd buy it in a bottle everywhere they went. They all had fancy names to make it sound like it came from beautiful places, but most of it was just regular water with a nice label on the bottle." Joe was rolling now. "People would go exercise, and then drink lots of water. They would run right past rivers of the stuff just to go buy a bottle and drink out of it. It would cost pennies to make the bottle, and they'd sell it for dollars."

"Man, and I thought our people were stupid. Where'd you come from?"

"A long way away. But the important thing is, water isn't a miracle cure for everything. It doesn't have to be. All you have to do is tell people how good it is to drink, and then sell it to them. You're selling an idea, not just water."

Joe watched as a dim spark flickered in John's eyes. "There's water lots of places."

"That's right," Rita joined in. "Water in the pipes, water in a river, water in the ocean, and water when it rains. Fresh water. Healthy water. Free for YOU water."

"I've got Brawndo bottles now with nothing to go in them. What am I going to do with those?"

"Gee, I wonder what you could put in them and sell?" Joe asked before waiting.

And waiting.

And waiting.

He almost gave up when John finally looked at him. "You know, I could put water in those bottles."

"Really? What would you do then?" Rita asked.

There was another long wait. "I could tell people it was good for them."

"Yeah," Joe encouraged. You don't blow on a spark too strongly for fear of blowing it out before it really bursts into flame.

John continued slowly as his brain ticked over the idea. "Then, after I told them, I could sell it. It's good for you – it doesn't have any of those crappy electrolytes that make you sick." He was picking up steam now. "No, it…makes you healthier. Stronger. Smarter! The smartest people drink water, right? Our Vice President drinks water, and he's the smartest guy on the planet! In fact, our water is the smartest thing to drink! We could put it in a clear bottle. Wait, what if the river is muddy? We'll use dark labels to be sure."

"Think of all the places that could sell it," Rita added.

"I don't have to just sell it to people. I could sell it to Costco. I could sell it to Carl's Jr. I could even sell it to Taco Bell. Man, this is the greatest idea I ever had! I even used water to make my Brawndo – so I know where to get it."

"Sounds like a winner, John," Joe said, smiling.

"I've got to get working. I have lots of things to change. I'll need a new name, I can't call it Brawndo because people will get confused. But it should sound a little like it. Condo. Fondo. Gondo. Hmm. Mondo. Mondo! That means big. But it has to sound smart, too. I know – Formula Mondo!" He wasn't even speaking to them anymore, more just thinking out loud. John started looking for the pencils that had been on his desk until Rita helpfully picked one up off the floor and handed it to him. He paused and then started slowly writing a numbered list down on a paper towel below the new name before looking up. "Is there a reason you guys came by?" he asked.

"No," Joe said as he took Rita's hand and slowly started to leave. "We just wanted to say 'Hi' today. Hi!" he said, waving with his other hand. Rita did the same with her free hand.

"Hi." John returned to concentrating on his paper towel notes, trying to remember what number came after four. He knew it started with an 'F'.

Back in their bedroom in the White House, Joe couldn't stop smiling.

"That worked pretty good, didn't it?" Rita said. She was smiling too.

"I hope so. I'll believe it when I see the first ad come out, and REALLY believe it when I see people drinking it. I know you and I can't fix the whole world, but we can start with the small things. We're just going to need more help later."

"I was thinking about that. You and I are the smartest people around, right?"

"Yeah, it looks like it."

"So, doesn't that mean that any kids we have will be as smart as us?" she asked.

Joe thought about it. "I guess. I mean, I don't know everything that makes people smart. But having smart parents helps, and they are probably in a better position to teach their children more."

"So any kids we have could probably be the next leaders of the country."

"I bet they could. Yeah, if I can be a good Vice President just because I'm smarter than everyone, then they could grow up to be leaders too. AND they could work on helping the world improve. Boy, does it need a lot of improving."

"That's what I think, too. How many brothers and sisters do you have? I mean, did you have?"

"One brother, one sister," Joe answered. As crazy as things had been, he really hadn't thought about them, and he had never really made any friends in the Army to miss.

"I had seven brothers and five sisters. All my aunts and uncles always had big families too."

"Well…having more kids means that they'll have more help with the world. I guess that would be nice," Joe said as he nodded his head. It made sense, in a way.

"Wanna start a family? We could start off with two or three kids and keep going if we want."

"When would we start?"

Rita bit her lip coyly. "How about right now?"

The End


A/N: The humor in this film was a little cruder than my usual tastes, but I did enjoy the concept. The world was such a dump though, that Joe was going to need a lot of help. This seemed a good way to start.