A/N Thank you so much everyone. It looks like our couple need to talk something out.
It's called Decisions because more than one big decision will be made.
Decisions
"What the fuck lady. What the hell ya talkin' about?" He feels the heat coming up on his neck, damn, why didn't he just stay outside and put the rest of that shit away.
Not this now too. Fuck him if those big ol tears don't start slowly rolling down her cheeks, and now Jack's standing between them like some kind of doggie referee. Daryl bends, rubs the dog's head and says, "It's okay Jack, go lay down."
The dog reluctantly walks the few steps to his bed while Daryl's telling her, "I just lied ta my dog, didn't I? It ain't really okay, is it Beth? So, why don't you lay it out for me? Tell me whatever the hell it is I'm doing wrong."
Oh great, now she's embarrassed, and oh my gawd, she has the strongest urge to wrap her arms around him and hold on tight, and gosh, she'd give anything if he'd hold her even tighter.
She sniffles and Jack is on alert, the dogs' eyes never leaving her. The same is true of Jack's Dad, his eyes stay on her as he waits for an answer. Then Daryl softens his tone and lowers his voice a little, "C'mon lady, talk ta me."
"I…I…shoot, now I'm embarrassed," why didn't she just let it all go? Why couldn't she just accept the fact that nothing was ever going to happen between them. Instead, she had to make a big scene, and now she's got to explain herself. Even worse than that, she just guaranteed that everything will stay awkward between them until she can't take it anymore and has to leave. Great Beth, just great. You really messed things up now. "Can we just forget it Daryl?"
"Nope, too late. I got some little blonde all up in my face and pissed off about sumthin' I did wrong, and I guess I'm too dumb ta figure out what that sumthin is. Now I wanna hear all about it."
Man, he'd like to wrap her up in his arms right now and tell her everything is going to be fine, great, and then maybe lay her down and show her how he feels.
"Shit lady, you got so many feelins I can't keep 'em all straight," He shakes his head side to side and continues, "I done everything like ya wanted today. We got your things from your place; we got other things ya wanted ta get. I tried real hard ta be agreeable about everythin', and I thought we had a real good day, at least as far as all that, but ever since we left Dale and Erma's place you been pissed off at me. So clue me in, did I really do sumthin' wrong, or do I just piss you off in general?"
His last question gets to her, it's so Daryl and it makes her giggle a little, but Daryl's tired, grumpy, confused and he doesn't see the humor. "So is that it, you just like ta get everythin' stirred up and then laugh at the poor dumb redneck who can't figure out what the fuck is goin' on?"
Uh oh. Now she gets serious again, "No, no, don't say that. Daryl, you are not dumb, you're the smartest person I've ever known. I think you can figure out anything and do anything you set your mind to. Don't call yourself names."
He's embarrassed and a little uncomfortable, but it's kind of nice hearing her talk that way about him.
Those big quiet tears have started again and he's chewing his lip as she continues, "I…well okay, let's see if I can explain it. First of all? I get so upset because you won't give up the idea that the only reason I'm here is so you can take care of me. It just infuriates me that no matter how many times I tell you that it's not true you don't believe me. You act like I'm either just saying it so you'll take care of me, or like I'm not smart enough to know my own feelings. My gosh Daryl, you even thought I was willing to have sex with you just so you'd keep me around…"
He interrupts, "It ain't cuz I think you're some kinda…well it ain't cuz I think anythin' bad about ya, I get it..."
Now she interrupts him, "Oh no you don't, you don't get anything about it Daryl. I want to be here with you because I care about you, a lot, and not just as some kind of friend or roommate or protector. I care about you like a woman cares about a man. That way. There, I said it, now deal with it."
Shit, he wants to believe what she's saying so badly it's making his head and his stomach both ache, but he can't. He just can't see how it's possible, "Nah, I get that ya think you do, but ya only think it cuz I saved your life, and cuz of this place. Ya think it's safe n all, and after what I seen down there in the world today, I get why you'd wanna be as far away from that shit as you could get, but lady, I see sumthin' else comin' too. It's like I got a freight train headed right at me. A month from now, after livin' every day with me, you'll be willin' ta go down the mountain and kill all the dead people you need ta kill just ta get as far away from me and this place as ya can. Me? I'll be left here holdin' the bag."
It's in that moment she sees it so clearly, Daryl does care about her just the way she cares about him, but he's afraid to give in to those feelings, afraid he'll be hurt. Why not take a chance and see if she's right? Shoot, things can't get much worse and they might get better.
"That's bullshit Daryl." His brows raise, he's never heard that kind of talk from her, she really is pissed at him. Then she lays it out, "Your problem is, you're afraid. You're afraid to believe my feelings are real because if you let yourself believe, then you might have to act on your own feelings."
"Bullshit yourself, I ain't afraid a nuthin'."
Beth's not backing down, she's standing tall in front of him, hands on her hips, "Oh yeah? You might not be afraid of living up here all alone, and you might not be afraid of dead people walking around, or bad guys like Dwight and that Simon guy, but you're afraid of caring. You don't want to care about me so you tell yourself I don't really care about you. You're afraid of your feelings and afraid of getting hurt. I have news for you Daryl, when you care about people hurt's part of the package, but I would never hurt you."
"Pfft, what do you know about my feelins?"
She takes another big fat gamble, she's already completely humiliated herself so how much worse can it get? Might as well show her hand and find out, "I think you like me; and I mean the kind of like that a man feels for a woman, but you don't want to like me like that. You also think I'm weak and that I couldn't make it on my own and that's the only reason I'm here, so you can protect me. Meanwhile, you're working so hard at trying to prove to me, and to yourself, that you don't care about me, you moved a giant mattress in here just for yourself. It looks ridiculous by the way, it ruins the charm of the whole place, but I get it."
"Oh yeah, so just what is it you think you get?"
"You'd do anything to avoid sleeping with me."
Shit. They're both red faced, and now it's Daryl who lays it out. He has to, otherwise this bickering is going to go on every fucking day. This mountain won't be big enough for the both of them, and his belly will never unknot. So yeah, best to just lay it out, "Yeah? Well you just proved what ya don't know about me and how I feel. For your information college girl, you kind of amaze me. Yeah, I thought you were helpless when I first brought ya up here, but every day I see how strong you are, and today, shit lady, you were so fucking badass, tough as nails. I knew how bad a lotta that shit hurt ya inside, but you just kept fightin' through it."
"Shit, Beth, I'd sleep with ya in a New York minute if you was just some woman I didn't have any feelins for, if I picked ya up at the bar for some kinda one and done, but that ain't what this is, is it?" Suddenly he's not fighting the truth anymore, instead it all comes out, "Yeah, you're right, I care about ya, I got big feelins for ya, and that's why I ain't tried nuthin' with ya and that's why I'ma be sleepin' in my own bed and you're gonna be sleepin' in yours."
He moves a few inches closer and cups her cheek in his hand, and when he looks in her eyes she sees a sadness there, "I'm already in too deep, shit, I can't afford ta get in any deeper. If you left me tomorrow cuz you decided ta go ta one a them camps or whatever, it would cut deep, real deep. But if we start playin' house? I can't risk that. If we were livin' together, makin' love to each other and all that stuff, and then ya left me? I'd be broken for good. It's that simple."
The time is right and she can't wait another minute. Beth wraps her arms around him and asks, "So then what are we going to do Daryl? We can't just ignore our feelings, and just to be clear, I wasn't really thinking about rushing into sex. What I hoped would happen is you could learn to trust me, and that we could build something together, a real relationship. Later, if we're feeling it, and I'm pretty sure we will be, then I do want all that other stuff with you...the playing house part, except not just playing. The real deal."
He can't fight her or his feelings any longer. She's got him wanting her more every minute. He pulls her in tight, softly kisses the top of her head, and agrees, "How about we try it this way. We live here together. We work together, eat together, we do all that kinda stuff, and if after a month you still think you care about me in that way, and that ya wanna make things permanent, then we'll go for it."
"It's a deal Mister Dixon."
"Good, now dammit, I'm starvin', can we have some fuckin' ramen before I faint?"
She smiles, "You bet, the water's ready and the table's set." And it is, he sees that now, there are placemats, did she bring those from home? They each have a bowl and utensils and a water glass. There are two packages of ramen at his place, and one at hers. Looks like the start of playing house to him.
"K, lemme go get Jack sumthin', he's gotta be as hungry as we are." He comes back with one of the bags of kibble they picked up at the vet's office and scoops some into Jack's dish, then opens a jar of dark looking meat, she's guessing it's organ meat, and adds it to the bowl. He stirs it up, and sets it on the floor in front of the fire for Jack, "There ya go boy, tomorrow I'm cookin' us all up a real dinner," then he almost smiles, "But I sure am lookin' forward ta this ramen tonight."
She waits until they've finished their meal, including a candy bar each for dessert, and then reaches her hand across the table and lays it on his. Shoot. They've had more than enough drama for one day, more than enough for a year, but she can't hold this question in any longer, so she asks him about something that's been haunting her all day, "Daryl, what happened to you? How did you get those scars?"
Shit. "I's hopin' ya didn't see that. It ain't anything I like talkin' about it."
She immediately backs down, "I'm sorry, you don't have to tell me."
He shrugs, "Well, it seems like there's a chance you'll see them again, so I guess ya might as well know. The tattoos are sumthin' I done when I was a kid, I was about 19. The scars are courtesy of my Dad. He wasn't around all the time when we were kids, but when he was he made sure we knew it. So yeah, the scars are another gift he gave me ta remember him by. Merle's got em too."
"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry."
"Yeah well, me too, um, thanks."
She doesn't pursue it, if he wants to talk about it he will, but knowing Daryl, he's done.
He stands, picks up his bowl and hers too and takes them to the kitchen. That's when he sees the array of spoons laid out on the counter, "Where'd these come from, you get em today?"
"Yes, at the museum."
"I don't remember that."
"You were busy admiring a post hole digger and I was putting those spoons in my pockets."
He nods, "I see, so what're they for?"
"They're to look at and enjoy."
His eyes turn away from the spoons and land right on her, "Ta look at, huh? That makes ya feel happy, looking at this stuff?"
"Well, I've never been a spoon collector, there are people that do collect them, but I never gave that kind of thing any thought. Then I saw those today and something hit me, they're so pretty, and…well…I guess I just wanted to have something pretty."
"Yeah, nice." That's just her, isn't it? "Well if that's what ya want, then you should have it."
She smiles, "I have to think of a way to display them."
"Yeah, huh," to Beth it seems like he's dismissed it all, but he's already made a plan.
As soon as the dishes are done he says, "I'ma go ahead and take that mattress to the outside kitchen. I can just sleep here with Jack."
"Daryl, I'm sorry I acted the way I did. You deserve to have a bed and it will be just fine where it is."
"Nah, I need one that fits in here a little better."
"Do you want to know what I think?"
"I'm pretty sure you're gonna tell me, so go on."
She smiles, "Well, this mattress you brought is a lot bigger than the one you have. I'd say it's just right for two. Maybe sometime in the next month, you could find the time to build that frame you talked about for this new mattress, maybe even have drawers in the frame. Anyway, then we could move the smaller bed to the outdoor kitchen."
He nods, "Yeah, that could work. A'ight I'll get busy on that."
She smiles at him as the tips of her fingers softly glide down his arm, "Okay, and you know, I could take my turn on the floor with Jack. I thought it was pretty comfortable, he's a great snuggle buddy and I wouldn't mind at all."
"Nah, I don't think so."
"Okay, well maybe you'll change your mind. For now, I'm going to go brush my teeth and get my pajamas on." Her pajamas! Yay! Who knew she could get so excited by such a small thing? Although, sleeping in Daryl's t-shirt was pretty darn cozy. Beth gathers her things and makes her way to the bathroom, and Daryl's almost out the door with the big mattress when he hears her scream.
He and Jack both run for the bathroom door and Daryl doesn't stop to knock. The knife is in his hand as he throws the door open. The action startles Beth and as she turns to look his way, she shrieks and points, "Daryl!"
Now he's yelling too, "What's wrong?"
"Oh my gawd Daryl, look! There's a huge spider right on the toilet seat."
It's like the pressure's been released as his body relaxes and he walks toward the toilet, Jack right on his heels. He quickly takes care of the problem, then tells her, "Shit Beth, the poor guy was probably half dead from fright after ya yelled at him that way."
"But Daryl, it was a spider. Spiders scare me to death."
"C'mon, are ya kiddin'me? You're 50,000 times bigger than that guy was, and aren't you the same woman who was killin' dead people all day?"
She shrugs, trying not to smile when she says, "Maybe I really do need you to protect me, Daryl."
He's having a hard time not laughing, "Yeah, we'll be a real team. You kill all them walking dead things and I'll kill the spiders and ants."
Beth gives him a soft elbow to the ribs, "Okay, it's a deal, but right now, I have to go."
"Yeah, I guess my work here is done. C'mon Jack, the spider's dead, Beth don't need us no more."
He's not gone from the bathroom more than a minute when she's calling out for him again, "Daryl, can you come here? But don't open the door, please."
Shit, what now? He leans an ear against the door and says, "Yeah, ya okay, what?"
She wants to die a thousand deaths but there's no other choice, she has to ask him. He's an adult, he isn't going to think anything about it except that it's normal. "Um, could you get me one of those boxes of Tampons?"
He smiles to himself, it's going to take a long time for him to get used to living with this woman. The feelings, the moods, the need to have pretty things, and the fucking Tampons, "Yeah sure, I'll be right back." He can handle it all, if she stays.
While she sits there waiting Beth wonders if maybe this could be part of the reason she was a little dramatic about the mattress.
00
The fire outside is burning hot and soon Daryl will be cooking their breakfast in the big cast iron pan. Beth has the biscuits made and ready to bake, but right now she's sitting in her chair by the fire with a small blanket wrapped across her shoulders and Jack laying at her feet. It's about as perfect as a morning could be, and she smiles when she sees Daryl walking toward them with the box of things he brought up from the cellar.
When they found the eggs in the refrigerator at the bakery, they decided to take a chance. They're a week out of date, and the refrigerator wasn't working, but none of that should matter. Eggs can be good for weeks after their expiration date, and the electricity was on as recently as when Beth was still in town. He's also got a rasher of bacon with him, a jar of mayonnaise, potatoes and onions. If it turns out the eggs are still good, they won't just have them for breakfast all week, there's a plan to hard boil a good portion. Some will be used today for a potato salad; some will be put in the cellar and should keep well for a week to ten days. The rest will be used over the next few days for deviled eggs and egg sandwiches. By the time they get them all used, maybe they will have had so many eggs they won't mind going without.
The biscuits are in the oven, and the bacon is sizzling in the skillet when Daryl holds up an egg and asks, "Ready?"
"I'm ready."
He mutters, "Here goes," as he cracks it open and drops it in the skillet. They both agree if the eggs are bad, once cracked they'll know right away. They look and smell just fine, and now he's got two going for himself, and one each going for Beth and Jack.
Beth smiles, "Let me just get the biscuits out of the oven."
Jack's got kibble with an egg on it, and Daryl and Beth are sitting close, but not too close, enjoying the big breakfast, but once the feast is consumed and the mess cleaned, the work begins.
There's a lot to unload and there's no way Beth's going to let Daryl do it all, "I'm perfectly capable of helping you get this stuff done. Do you think I'm going to just stay in the house all day, every day and let you do all the work around here?"
He's smiling when he suggests, "No, you could read one a them books ya got, or sew sumthin' up."
"Very funny. We'll have to get some fabric to make anything new. Although, I did notice a couple pair of your pants could use some patching."
He's gotten a little more serious, "So, you know how ta just take some material and thread and shit and make a shirt or a dress or whatever?"
"Yep, I sure do. We can thank my Mama for that. Besides cooking and cleaning, my Mom made sure Maggie and me knew how to sew, embroider, knit and do needlepoint."
"That's cool, you mean you can knit socks and sweaters and shit like that?"
"Yes, but I'd have to find yarn and some knitting needles."
"Oh yeah, right, huh?"
He's genuinely concerned about her though. He knows the mechanics of what she's going through right now, but he's not too sure about all the fine points, "Ain't you supposed ta be takin' it easy for a few days? Ya probably shouldn't be working and lifting things and whatnot when you're…when…when you're havin' that thing."
"You mean my period."
"Well, yeah, that."
"Daryl, you're very thoughtful, but I promise, I'm fine. If I start having trouble I'll let you know, okay?"
"Yeah, k."
In the end Beth helps him and they get things pretty well put away and organized by lunchtime. She tells him, "After all the breakfast I ate, I can't believe I'm hungry again."
He takes her hand in his and says, "That's cuz ya busted ass, but shit, I feel bad, look at your hands."
"I know, I need some work gloves."
"Yeah, and garden gloves too."
The more they talk the more ideas come to him. What's with all this thinking?
They have lunch in the house and afterward Daryl says, "I'm damn near done with this bathroom door. I'ma finish it up, then I'll seal up the outside entrance."
She doesn't have to ask him why he's decided to seal the outside, and she agrees it's probably a good idea, "Okay, I'm going to get that potato salad made, then I'll attempt to make a loaf of bread with our found ingredients. I'm kind of looking forward to giving that old stove top toaster a try in the morning."
He nods, but his mind is in fifty different places, "I'ma get that bed frame built tomorrow. I already got plenty of lumber for that."
They're doing different jobs, but they're in the same room and Daryl discovers he likes working so close to her. For a guy who's never much cared for casual conversation, he finds he enjoys it with her. Talking about this and that and nothing in particular. Mostly he just likes the sound of her voice, knowing she's close by, and allowing himself to believe maybe she really does have feelings for him.
It's good, and it feels like home, but something's been eating away at him. He had to take care of her first, he had to get her settled, and that's done. Now he has something else he has to do.
He can't put this off any longer. He hasn't told her his plan, and he has to. Shit they just got in a good place, but there's nothing he can do. He has to go. He won't leave her hanging though, the place will be ready and he'll leave her guns and plenty of ammo, and he'll leave Jack, but he's got to try and find Merle.
Shit, what if his brother's stuck in the damn prison with a bunch of dead guys. Fuck that. There are no options, he's got to try and find him.
She cooked two dozen biscuits this morning and there was a plan. She stored the leftovers in the airtight container on the kitchen counter to have for dinner, and Daryl's heating up pulled beef mixed with barbecue sauce, they're calling their creation biscuit sliders. They're enjoying the dinner of sliders, pickles, potato salad and chips, and talking about how lucky they are, "So many people are going hungry these days Daryl."
"Yeah, it's bad." She can tell then, his mind is on something else entirely, "um, Beth…I…um…"
This already sounds like something bad and Beth sets her slider down and waits to hear what she's sure is some kind of bad news.
"Hear me out, k? I gotta go in a couple days. I gotta try and find Merle."
She knew this day would come eventually, and what is she going to say, "No, you can't try to rescue your brother," but the thought of him going is tearing her up inside. "Daryl, let me come with you, I can help."
"No, not this time Beth. Who knows what kind of mess that prison is by now. I won't risk you and I won't argue about it. This is my responsibility and I gotta do it alone." He stands and goes to her and as she gets on her feet they caress and Daryl promises, "I won't stay gone more'n a week. Then, no matter what, I'll be home."
She told herself not to, that she had to be strong, but she just can't help it. She's softly crying into his chest, "Oh Daryl, I know you have to go, I think you should go, but I don't want you to leave me."
"Believe me lady, the last thing I wanna do is go off and leave ya here, but I can't just leave Merle hangin' either, he's my brother."
00
A/N Wowzer. Just when everything was going so well. Please leave a comment. The chapter photo is on my tumblr blogs, gneebee and bethylmethbrick, please check it out. I'll be back next week with a new chapter of The Man on The Mountain, and I hope you'll be here too. Until then remember, I love ya large! gneebee xo
