I received a ton of comments, so I figured I would post this chapter today too. I hope you guys enjoy! I actually really love this chapter, and I hope you guys like it too!
"I-I can't do this, not now!" Harry said, gasping for air.
It felt as though he was drowning, everything collapsing in on him. His face broke, and a tear slid down his face.
And another.
He tried to stand, tried to get away from Sirius and Lupin and their piercing stares, but Sirius placed a hand firmly on his shoulder, preventing him from rising.
"What happened?" Lupin asked gently.
"Please, I can' -Justask someone else. Ask anyone else." Harry pleaded, his voice breaking. He tried to compose himself again.
He needed to get his feelings under control. If he didn't, then he would never be able to focus on what he needed to do.
He gulped down air as Sirius and Lupin exchanged a glance.
"You would probably feel better if you told us," Sirius suggested somewhat halfheartedly. Harry laughed derisively but didn't say anything.
"Come on, Harry, you can trust us," Lupin said.
Harry sighed heavily. If he didn't tell them, then they would never leave. He would have to tell them in order to get away and find the Horcrux.
"Fine," Harry said, his voice filled with the pain he had been trying too hard to repress.
"Fine," He repeated. "When we came to Hogsmeade, a few Death Eaters saw us…" Harry gulped again and looked away from them. "We got into a fight, and… one of them hit Draco, and he's… d-d-dead."
It was with that sentence that Harry's world officially crumbled to the ground. His hands started to shake, and he crossed his arms tightly over his chest.
It was one thing to know Draco was dead, but it was quite another to tell someone else.
His heart hurt worse than ever. It was more horrible than anything he had ever experienced before. Nevertheless, Harry didn't cry anymore.
His heart hurt so much that no amount of tears could ever dream of relieving his anguish. But it was better like this. No showing emotions. It was much better, much easier to do what he had to.
"I'm so sorry, Harry," Sirius said quietly.
Harry took a deep breath, and then he told the biggest lie of his life."It doesn't matter, nothing does. I can't do anything about it now. I don't care."
"Harry," Lupin said, "You don't mean that. We know you don't."
"I don't care!" Harry said more insistently, trying to stand, but Sirius was still preventing him from doing so.
"Yes, you do," Sirius said sadly.
"No!" Harry said firmly, "I don't care! I-can't-care!"
"Harry, calm—" Lupin started.
"No!" Harry shouted, "I will not. Don't tell me what to do!"
"Harry," Sirius said cautiously, "It's okay to be upset!"
"No, it isn't!" Harry said firmly, still quite agitated.
He could hearBella's voiceringing back to him through the years,'Resist feeling anything. No matter what, people will always use them against you. It is always better to hide them; now, calm your face and make me think you don't care.'
No matter how much he hated her now, her advice was still true. He had to resist his feelings. He had to before it was too late.
"It's just a sign of weakness, and I can't afford to be weak! I have things to do! I have to; there is no choice!" He said, trying to force his voice to become calmer. Still, he could not stop his hands from shaking.
"Harry, your feelings do NOT make you weak!" Lupin said, grasping onto Harry's other shoulder tightly. "Forget what you have been taught!"
"I-I can't!"
His heart couldn't possibly keep beating. Surely, the hole in it would be too much for it to take. The giant gaping hole where Draco had been was now gone.
"Harry, listen to me. I know what it feels like!" Sirius said.
"You have no clue! No clue—!" Harry yelled, gritting his teeth. "What, are you going to tell me everything will be okay? Are you going to say that this pain, this awful, horrible pain, that it goes away? Are you going to say I'm not in this alone and don't have to fight alone? I already got that one from Dumbledore."
He tried to control his temper and his feelings, but it was proving very difficult. Once he got away from them, he was sure it would be easier. But how could he get away?
He would not allow Sirius and Lupin to see more of him. He had already shown them far too much.
"Well, it's true," Lupin said.
"No, it's not!" Harry snapped, trying again to rise, but Sirius still held him down. He was surprisingly strong. "Things will never be 'okay' because the only person who was ever there for me is gone! He's gone, and he's never coming back! How can anything be okay after that? I am completely alone now.
"Draco was the only one who actually trusted me and who I trusted completely! So yeah, you can tell me you guys are there for me, but the truth is you will never be and have never been! The only person who has ever been is dead!"
"Harry, we've been through this before. We do trust you, and we care about you!" Sirius said. His voice was pleading, as though begging Harry to see what he was trying to say. But Harry was done appeasing them.
"Oh, is that right?" Harry raised his eyebrows, "Only a few days ago, both you and Draco thought I was most likely going to be or was already being possessed by Voldemort. The difference between the two of you is Draco didn't care. He only wanted to help me, regardless of the cost. He was willing to risk his life for me rather than worrying about me being a danger to him. Where were you at that time? Not with me, that's for sure."
"We still trust you!" Lupin said, "It's Voldemort we don't trust."
"You don't get it." Harry said with a mixture of sadness and anger in his voice, "No one else ever got it, and now… no one ever will!"
"Harry, please listen," Sirius begged, but Harry was done listening.
He was done following orders and doing whatever they said. He was done working for people. He pushed Sirius off of him with almost inhuman force.
"Just leave me alone!" Harry said firmly, turning and starting to walk away. "Leave me alone and let me do what I have to. I don't see why you care what I do anyway. And like I said before, feelings are always a sign of weakness."
Harry pulled out the invisibility cloak and started to run down the hall as he tossed it over himself. He heard footsteps behind him and knew they were following again.
Somewhat subconsciously, Harry glanced behind him. A moment later, a solid brick wall appeared, blocking their way. He stopped and looked back at the wall.
Though this time, his wall hadn't done much harm, it had even helped him; he had to get in control of his emotions. He could not afford to do more magic without meaning to.
What if next time, he killed someone by mistake? He was not about to take that risk. He took a few deep breaths, calming himself.
He couldn't think about Draco right now. He had to stay focused. He heard Sirius and Lupin break through the wall, but he wasn't worried. He had the cloak on; it would be challenging, close to impossible, for them to find him.
He slumped against the wall and wiped his eyes firmly on his sleeve. There would be no more crying, not tonight. His scar was stinging slightly, but there was no time for that either. He had a job to do.
"Harry!" Sirius called his tone lacking any real conviction.
"Do you really think he is going to answer you?" Lupin asked.
"No," Sirius admitted, "But it is worth a try."
"We need to find him." Lupin said urgently, looking around.
"Yeah," Sirius agreed, "He's going to do something stupid; I just know it. Do you think we could try summoning him with Accio? Would that work?"
Lupin sighed. "Even if we did summon him, what would we say?"
"I dunno," Sirius shrugged, "We could just stun him until all of this is over."
"I am sure he would adore us for doing that; besides, I am sure he could undo it."
"Harry," Sirius said, "Since we now have your attention, think about what you're doing."
Harry wasn't sure how they knew he had been listening. Maybe they had actually thought about what he had said in Gringotts. Or maybe they knew him better than he had thought.
"You need help, and we can help you. I promise we won't talk about Draco anymore, but we want to help you find what you are looking for. Please, you can't do this alone, no matter what you may think to the contrary." Harry didn't move or make a sound.
"Harry, please." Lupin said, "You can't do this on your own."
He knew they were right. He could not do this on his own, no matter how much he hated it. He needed help, but did he want it from them? He would much rather find Ron and ask him and the others for help.
He knew he shouldn't just abandon Sirius and Lupin, though. They would be worried about him and would just be a bother to him later.
Thinking, not of their worry but of the distraction they might be, Harry pulled off the cloak. He sighed heavily and walked towards them, his face set.
"One word about anything, and I'll curse you." He threatened, his eyes flashing.
"Noted," Lupin said seriously. Sirius smirked at him but didn't say anything.
"What, you think I won't?" Harry asked, flaring up at once.
"No, I just don't think you would want to do that."
"Why?" Harry asked. Lupin shot Sirius a warning look, but Sirius paid no attention to him.
"If you act out because of something we say, you will be no better than the Death Eaters, and I know you don't want to be like them."
Harry looked at him sharply, and his legs suddenly turned to jelly. Sirius collapsed to the ground, and Harry changed them back with a smirk.
"What if I don't care anymore?" Harry turned on his heels and started to walk down the hall. Lupin helped Sirius to his feet and started to follow Harry.
"Anything else, and you won't know what hit you. Do I make myself clear?" Harry said, not bothering to look at them. He was firm, cold, and lacking in mercy.
"Perfectly." Sirius said bitterly, but Harry didn't care.
He was in control now. He would no longer be told what to do by these people, this group he despised. He no longer cared about being their friend.
"Good," Harry said with a smirk. Then he stopped and opened up his backpack once more.
"What are you looking for?" Lupin asked as they caught up with him.
"I have a map of Hogwarts. I have to get to the Great Hall."
"I can just take you there." Lupin offered. "Follow me."
All three men made their way through the winding halls of Hogwarts in complete silence. Not for the first time, Harry found himself hating the silence.
No matter if he so dreaded the words Lupin and Sirius might speak if he were to talk, being left to his own thoughts was worse. He could not stop them from coming, could not block the hurricane they made, whirling around in his head.
To talk might mean pain; to think was deadly.
He had to say something, but he didn't know what.
"So, what do you have to find in the castle?" Sirius's voice was quiet, but it broke through Harry's sharp thoughts. He was relieved, but he made sure not to let it show on his face.
"It is sort of like a crown." He said after a second. "I know it is somewhere in the castle, and I know it has been for many years, but I am not sure where it could be hidden." The other two thought about this for a moment.
"You should try the trophy room or somewhere like that." Lupin suggested, "They have plenty of crowns there, and yours would have no problem blending in."
"I'll make sure to check there." Harry said. "It's not like I have anywhere else to start."
"You should ask the house elves." Sirius said.
"Why would I ask them? Wait, you have house elves at Hogwarts?"
"Yeah, hundreds of them. They work in the kitchens mostly." Sirius said, "If you make friends with them and ask them to find the crown for you, I am sure they will be able to."
"Okay," Harry said, "I'll ask them too. Ron said he had thought of a place where it might be also, but I'm not sure where that was exactly."
They rounded another corner, and Harry was relieved to find they were in the main entrance hall again. Harry reached up and touched his eyes, erasing with magic all evidence of his tears. Sirius and Lupin did not comment, but led the way over to a pair of heavy doors.
They reached the room, and Harry saw it was packed with people. Four grand tables held students from all the different houses, and a fifth fit all of the teachers.
Harry noticed the students of each house stayed at their table, not mingling with the other houses. Hogwarts was a very odd place.
Draco had told him that at Durmstrang, they were allowed to sit with their friends from other houses; they just couldn't sleep in other dormitories.
Sirius and Lupin seemed to think this was completely normal, however, and they started to head over to the table at the far end of the room, which held lots of the Order members. All of the members of the Order were at the top of the table, blending in with the teachers.
They were all discussing something, and Harry saw Dumbledore among them. He had not been killed yet.
He glanced around for Ron, Hermione, and Ginny but didn't see them anywhere. He lurked at the door, unsure of where he should go. He didn't see his 'friends' anyway, so maybe he should leave and look for them on the map? He was about to walk back into the entrance hall when he heard his name.
"Harry!" He looked and was surprised to see Neville calling for him. He had not thought Neville would have remembered him. Many people turned at the sound of his name, and they all looked at him.
Whispers of, "Harry, Harry Potter?" and "So he is alive?" and "Who is that?" rose up all around him.
"Harry!" Neville called again and waved him over. Harry hurried over before Neville could create more of a scene.
"Uh, hi, Neville," Harry said rather awkwardly.
"Sit down. I have people I want you to meet." Neville moved over to make room for Harry on the bench.
"I would like to, but I have to find Ron…"
"He said if you came to tell you he already went to the place and to wait here for him to return." Neville said, "Hermione and Ginny went with him, but I don't know where they went."
"I don't either." Harry sighed, and reluctantly, he sat down. He found himself sitting across from the girl Neville had been holding hands with.
"Harry, this is my girlfriend, LunaLovegood." Neville said quickly.
"Pleasure to meet you, Luna." Harry tried to smile but could not quite pull it off.
"You're Harry Potter." She said, her large eyes fixed on his face.
"What gave it away?" Harry asked, slightly sarcastic.
"Neville was talking about you. Is your head filled withWrackspurts?" Harry was taken aback at the odd question.
"With what?"
"Wrackspurts." Luna said as if her meaning was obvious. "They fly into your ears and make your brain all fuzzy. You look distracted."
"Oh yeah," Harry said, deciding that he would rather not get into a debate about the validity of her statement. "That must be what's going on. I did wonder."
Neville stifled a laugh, but Luna seemed oblivious. Harry looked away from Luna, examining the hall around him, but Luna kept her eyes fixed on him as though he was a rather entertaining television program.
"So…" Neville said, trying to break up the tension. "Harry, I want you to meet some people." Harry turned and saw the largest man he had ever seen standing over him.
"RubeusHagrid," the man growled in a low rumble, and Harry could see tears forming in his eyes, but he was not sure why. He had never seen this man before in his life.
"Harry Potter." Harry rose from his seat and shook his hand, feeling as though his own was going to rip off. Two boys to his left stepped forward and introduced themselves.
"Hi, I'm Dean Thomas."
"I'm SeamusFinnigan."
Harry stuck out his hand again. "Harry—"
"We already know who you are." Dean said excitedly.
"What do you mean?" Harry asked.
"Kidnapped when you were a baby, grew up as a Death Eater, and then you switched to our side. People are calling you the Chosen One."
"And The Boy Who Lived!" Seamus added eagerly. Harry turned to Neville.
"Is this true?"
"Er— Yeah, sort of." Neville said surprised that Harry did not know.
"But how do they know this? They aren't in the Order." Harry hissed.
"Your story has been spreading around lately. You were featured in the Daily Prophet."
"I was what!?" Harry asked quickly.
"Yeah, the article was wrong, though. Luna published what actually happened to you in the Quibbler."
"How didsheeven know those things?"
"Daddy and Ginny's father are friends. He told Daddy everything he needed to know." Luna said. Harry hadn't been sure if she had been paying attention.
Harry shook his head. Of course, the Order would want to publicize his life to everyone.
Honestly, if the Ministry had published lies about him, maybe it was better that the Order had done something to combat it. Still, he wished they had at least told him what they did.
Everyone in this hall knew he was a Death Eater. They didn't seem to care, though, at least not right now. He would have to tread lightly though.
A girl came up to him and introduced herself as Lavender Brown. A couple of her friends took her lead and came to introduce themselves to Harry.
Another boy,ZachariasSmith, came over from what Harry assumed was the Hufflepuff table.
Harry kept on his mask, not daring to show them any of what he was actually feeling. He had better things to do than sit here and meet people, but he knew if he was going to get out of this hall without a fight, he would have to be nice or at least cordial.
He heard a voice clear behind him. Harry turned, and his eyes fell on Kingsley, the Auror from the Ministry.
Harry punched him in the face without hesitation.
"Woah, listen, I'm not going to arrest you!" Kingsley said, stumbling backward.
"Forgive me if I don't believe a word that you say," Harry said.
The hall had quieted down, watching the scene play out. These Hogwarts kids loved drama.
"Harry, I'm on your side!" Harry took another swing at him, but this time, he was ready. He dodged out of the way and tried to grab Harry's wrists.
"No, I am not doing that again!" Harry grabbedKingsley'sarm and was about to flip him when Sirius ran towards them.
"Harry, he's on our side!"
"How do you know that?" Harry paused for a moment, keeping a firm grip onKingsley'supper arm while the latter struggled to break free.
"Because he was always on our side! The reason we couldn't say anything to him when we went to the Ministry was because they had a spell on him to make sure he didn't speak to Dumbledore. He had to do all of those things. I thought you knew!"
"Obviously not! How would I have possibly known? Especially after what happened in the Ministry. Do I need to remind you, or will a look at my arms do?"
"Harry, calm down! I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I forgot you wouldn't know." Sirius approached Harry slowly, cautiously.
"Sirius, really? He and his buddies at the Ministry tried to lock me up! I still have the bruises to prove it!"
"And you used to be a Death Eater!" Sirius said, much too loud. Everyone was staring at them as though their lives depended on it. "People change, and people do things they have to. He had to do something so that the Ministry did not suspect anything!"
Harry glared at Sirius and said, "Why is he here then?"
"To help us fight, of course. The Ministry doesn't matter anymore!"
Harry sighed and reluctantly let go ofKinglsey'sarm. Kingsley stuck out his hand, but Harry ignored him. He turned to Sirius instead.
"Thanks for telling me about the Daily Prophet article."
Sirius looked confused for a moment. "What?"
"The article about me! Don't tell me you are as dumb as you look."
"Oh, that…"
"Yes, that! Why didn't you tell me?"
"I don't know, it didn't come up."
"It should have."
Sirius leaned forward and whispered in Harry's ear, "I didn't think it was a great time to mention it. You were pretty upset." Harry sighed again.
"I understand why you didn't, but I wish you would have. I hate being unprepared."
"I know, I'm sorry."
"It's fine, I guess."
"You okay?" Sirius asked quietly.
"Perfectly fine. Never better, in fact… though I do wish I could have gotten in another punch." Sirius grinned but didn't say anything more.
Harry sat back down as Sirius turned and walked back up the table, Kingsley following him. With all of the action over, the Great Hall erupted back into talk, though everyone kept glancing at Harry.
He knew they were all discussing the Boy Who Lived.
