This was originally posted as chapter 25 of the "Short & Sweet" series and takes place right after "Holden's Manifesto" (season 16, episode 4). Noah does not exist here.
"Short & Sweet" was a series of mostly standalone one-shots (but sometimes a storyline would stretch out for a few chapters).
I'm going to put trigger warnings on this chapter because it deals with the aftermath of violence, and there are some descriptions of blood and gore. Please take that into consideration before reading further, if this subject matter is triggering for you. There are also some mentions of William Lewis, so please be aware of that as well.
I was going to take a longer break from posting, but I've been doing a lot of editing on my old chapters/stories and really felt like posting today. I'm going to post another short chapter after this one, and I'm still working on the final chapter of "Suffer in Silence".
Olivia's heart practically stutters to a stop inside her chest as soon as she sees Amanda walking out of that classroom, the younger woman's face coated in the fresh blood of Holden March. Fin and Nick are hurrying to keep up with the blonde detective's shaky yet determined steps, Amanda looking as if she is either trying to escape the concern of her colleagues or the body that lays behind in the room she has just vacated, or perhaps a mixture of the two.
Olivia's intention to reach out and comfort the blonde and provide some assistance in the aftermath of a hostage situation that has ended in both a positive and a negative way, is momentarily thwarted as she stares at the crimson stain spreading across Amanda's pale cheeks. She is instantly catapulted back to a scene six months prior when she herself had been the one with a face covered in blood, led away from the body of William Lewis on wobbly legs that threatened to collapse beneath her after surviving another showdown with him that had ultimately cost the monster his life.
Olivia is so caught up in horrific flashbacks of the past; so entrenched in memories of a different time and place, that she is briefly convinced the busy school has transformed into an abandoned factory, and blinks in surprise when she notices that Amanda has come to a halt right in front of her. For a tense and prolonged moment, brown eyes bore straight into blue, both women unblinking as they stare at each other, and Olivia knows that Amanda is caught up in her own internal grief and chaos right now, her younger colleague appearing completely shell-shocked.
There is a tiny wrinkle etched into the porcelain skin between Amanda's eyebrows; skin that is now flecked with bits of blood and gore, the smaller woman's head titled slightly to the side in an unspoken question, like her concern for the former hostages and the dead man lying sprawled across the floor in that classroom has now transferred over to her sergeant. Olivia makes an effort to shield her brain from more unwanted remembrances of past events that she would do anything to forget, reminding herself that this is about Amanda and that she needs her to be strong right now.
The hallways are clogged with members of the NYPD, Fin and Nick having come to an abrupt stop directly behind their teammates, and there are so many people gathered outside the school now, that the noise level can be heard quite clearly from where they stand. There are a million things to do and protocol to be followed, but all Olivia can see is that devastated, stunned look on Amanda's face, and the knowledge that she had tried so hard to save someone who had ended up being shot dead right in front of her.
Without a word to indicate what she is doing, Olivia simply reaches down and grasps onto Amanda's limp wrist, ignoring the black thoughts in her own head and the puzzled comments from Fin and Nick, and leads the small detective into the bathroom a few feet away. She is aware of Amanda's confused protests, the other woman seemingly springing back to life with the touch of her superior's hand, but continues tugging gently on the fine-boned wrist until they are alone in the room and the door has swung shut behind them.
"Are you okay, Amanda?" Olivia asks immediately, already anticipating a dishonest answer and not letting go of her colleague as they stand there face to face again; sensing that Amanda needs physical contact and a listening ear right now.
"I..." Amanda starts to speak, her voice somewhat choked as she gazes up at Olivia with tormented blue eyes, and she prepares herself for the usual I'm fine that is most likely about to fall from the detective's lips.
"No."
Olivia blinks in surprise again at the short and honest response that she receives from Amanda instead, her breath catching sharply in her throat when the younger woman's knees suddenly begin to buckle beneath her body. A short gasp escapes her mouth as she lunges forward to catch Amanda before she falls and hits the hard floor, banding her arms firmly around her ribs and holding on tightly in an effort to guide them both safely to the ground.
Olivia ends up sprawled across the tiles with an ache in her back and her subordinate slumped in her lap, heart thumping frantically and sweat beading her brow when she hears a low sob from the woman huddled up against her. "I'm going to get the paramedics in here," she states in a trembling tone that she tries to keep under control, feeling Amanda shaking her head vigorously and watching the blood smear across her own bulletproof vest as the detective pushes her face into her chest.
"Please don't," Amanda replies softly, small hands gripping onto Olivia's upper arms with a strength that belies the trembling she can feel in the slender figure sitting atop her thighs. "I just need a minute."
Olivia nods silently and listens to the harsh breathing of the younger woman as she struggles to get herself together and calm down. She can hear Fin and Nick knocking on the door and asking what's going on, and the hive of activity both inside the classroom and out on the street growing louder by the second. Instead of reassuring her squad members that everything is fine and they will rejoin them momentarily, she simply gathers Amanda more closely to her body and continues to hold the smaller woman on her lap, prepared to snarl at anyone who tries to enter the room and interrupt them.
Olivia knows they have been in these kinds of situations countless times before; that they are trained to deal with these types of circumstances while they are occurring and in the immediate aftermath, whether or not things turn out in their favor. But despite being such an elite squad and dealing with these heartbreaking issues on a day to day basis, they are only human and there are cracks in the armor from time to time with every single member of their team.
Every once in awhile, all of that bravado and strength collapses entirely and they are left wading in helpless confusion through the wreckage; a place that Olivia has found herself languishing in far too often lately. Before even realizing what she is doing, she presses a light kiss to the crown of Amanda's head and whispers to take all the time she needs and just sit there until she feels well enough to get back to her feet.
"I had him, Liv," Amanda hisses fiercely, the younger woman leaning back slightly so they are eye to eye again, those blue orbs wide and glistening with unshed tears as a drop of blood rolls down her cheek. "He was listening to me, I was getting through to him. We were establishing a connection with each other. He was so young and there was still time to get him the help he needed-"
Her voice breaks on a haunted sob, Olivia watching as Amanda's eyes squeeze shut and she claps a hand over her mouth, likely terrified that her cries will be overheard by their co-workers in the hallway and trying to stifle any more noises. A tear dribbles out from beneath one clenched eyelid to mingle with the crimson streaks across her cheeks and nose, and Olivia tightens her arms around the quivering body on her lap, murmuring soothing words into her ear.
"Amanda, it was not our call to make," she reminds the other woman as gently as possible, rocking her back and forth for a moment in an attempt to calm her down before they have to face the insanity that is awaiting them outside that door. "You did everything you could. This is not on you. And the girls got out safely. They're going to be okay because of the actions you chose to take."
Amanda's expression crumples with the supreme effort that it seems to be taking to keep all of her emotions bottled up inside, and Olivia has to blink rapidly to hold her own tears at bay in the face of such stark and intense pain from her colleague. She realizes that it has been over three years since they had started working together, and this is the first time they have held each other like this; the first time they have truly let their guards down in one another's presence and are allowing themselves to be open and vulnerable.
Amanda is one of the toughest detectives she has ever worked with and doesn't often let her emotions show like this; usually it is anger and not tears that make an appearance when she is particularly rattled or passionate about something, and Olivia feels honored to be the person who is here with the younger woman in her time of need. Amanda could have easily fled the bathroom when she had first pulled her in there, but has chosen to stay and let herself have a quick breakdown in the comfort and security of Olivia's embrace before pulling the usual armor back into place and facing everyone awaiting her.
She feels another swell of emotion when Amanda opens her eyes and they gaze so intently at each other again, the blonde's hand coming up to brush some hair away from Olivia's forehead and taking a deep breath before speaking. "Thank you for doing this for me, Liv. I know I'm triggering you because of the way I look right now. I know it reminds of you what happened with Lewis and that I look the same way you did right afterwards, so I really appreciate this."
Amanda pauses briefly and bites down hard on her lower lip, Olivia feeling those slender fingers stroking gently through her hair as she forces herself to keep her eyes on the blonde detective and not glance away as the sight of all that blood does indeed bring back another fresh wave of terrible memories. She decides to be as honest with Amanda as the smaller woman is being with her, and grabs ahold of one the clammy hands that is still gripping onto her upper arm, lacing their fingers snugly together and squeezing tightly.
"You're right, Amanda, I am feeling triggered right now," Olivia admits in a low tone, her heart aching at the depth of compassion that she sees radiating from the detective's gaze despite her own immense pain. "But this isn't about me. I want to be here for you, okay? I can deal with my own stuff later. I'll be fine."
"Don't give me that crap, Liv," Amanda scoffs lightly, another tear making a wet, clear trail through the mess of blood on her face and smooth fingertips digging a little deeper into Olivia's arm as if to get her point across. "I know you're not fine. You haven't been fine for a long time now. And I want to be there to help you deal with whatever you're going through, just like you've been here for me, alright?"
A huge lump has risen inside Olivia's throat and it takes every ounce of strength that she possesses to refrain from letting loose with all of the emotions that have been bottled up inside for so long now, grateful for Amanda's offer and wanting to take her up on it at some point in the near future. She gives a tremulous smile at the detective still perched on her lap and tightens her hold on the cold digits nestled against her own, a certain relief and calm overtaking her body with the knowledge that when the timing is right, she will have someone to share her pain with.
"Thank you, Amanda, I'd like that," Olivia whispers in a hushed tone, her smile widening as she looks forward to spending more time with the woman who is slowly turning from a colleague into a friend.
