Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.

Who's That Father?

Oh, You Didn't Know?

(Then: Beelzehaven, Rave Town)

Two hounds stood across from each other in a Pit, overlooked by a good couple dozen others. One was an orange, fox/wolf hybrid with blue eyes and the other was a standard sandy-brown wolf with red. They stared each other down with snarls as a white Basset-like Hellhound with a tuft of red fur on the top of his head and long black ears stood between them.

"Alright boys," the monotonous short hound drawled. "This is going to be a fight to knock out or surrender. There will be no maiming or lethal blows. I want a clean, bloody fight. Agreed?"

"This shitter broke my fuckin' leg last month, and you want me to let him walk away from this?! Fuck th–!" The brown dog's snarl was cut short and he flinched when the Basset glared up at him. He gulped and then growled again as he locked eyes with the blond. "Fuckin, yeah, whatever! I'll just finish him off later or something."

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that." The 'referee' drawled lowly. He looked at the blue-eyed hound. "And you?"

"...Can I neuter this fucker?" The blue-eyed hound asked, looking at the referee.

"The fuck–?!"

"I'll have to consult Da Rulz." The referee reached into his pocket and – thanks to demonic fuckery – pulled out a giant purple book thrice his size. He pushed the cover to the side and started to slowly turn pages. "Give me a moment."

"I've got time." The Blue-eyed Hound crossed his arms and smirked at the snarling Brown Hellhound.

"You cheeky little–! The fuck are you trying to drag this out for?!"

"The later the fight ends, the more likely there's a crowd to watch it, and the more likely it gets talked about dipshit. I need my name to spread."

"Oh, I'll spread you all right. I'll spread you across the fucking walls!"

"Thanks, but nah, you're not my type. Too roided."

"You sonova–! Can we fucking fight already or not?!" The question was aimed at the short Basset-like referee.

"...Not count as–Alright." The big book was closed and pocketed in the blink of an eye. "You are free to go for the sack, scrotum and penis, but any sort of complete neutering is a disqualification."

"Tch, figures. The real idiots get such bullshit bys," the blue-eyed hound shook his head. "I pity whatever poor bitch gets knocked up by your sorry ass."

"Jokes on you, Uzumaki!" The brown dog sneered. He crossed his arms and puffed out his chest. "Already got my seed into three sexy ass bitches. How many did you have again? Oh right, the one that Vore-Tex stole. So how's raising his cuck-puppy going for you?"

The crowd let out a unanimous "oooohhh!"

All eyes fell on the other Hound who closed his eyes and took in a deep breath.

"...I think I'll break two of your limbs this time, Cage." Naruto let out a breath as his glowing eyes opened.

"Fuck you mean–?" His opponent started to ask.

"Boys, you may begin." The referee drawled, suddenly on the edge of the pit above them. The brown Hound, Cage, blinked and made the understandable mistake of trying to comprehend the incredulous feat of speed performed by the smaller dog. Naruto, however, only heard the word 'begin'.

He darted in low and tackled the other hound's forward leg. Off balanced and inattentive, Cage fell with a yelp. His long digitigrade foot was jerked the wrong way and a loud, meaty snap echoed up to the other Hellhounds that were watching. His howl of pain was heard and sympathized by all present. He whimpered and curled up, scooting away from the hound that maimed him.

"One down." Naruto growled as he stalked forward and his shadow fell over his opponent. "Now, which bone should I break next? An arm? The other leg? ...Or maybe the most important bone there is for us."

"Wait! Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait!" The whimpering Hound scooted further back and held a paw up. "Ca-can't we talk this out?! C'mon, man! Wh-isn't that neutering?!"

"...Nope, not covered in that section of Da Rulz." The Referee shrugged after a quick check.

"Oh, sweet." Naruto chuckled and cracked his knuckles as he flashed a toothy grin. "That settles it: Imma break your dick. And not in a fun way."

"Not if I surrender first!"

"Do you?" The Blue-Eyed Hound asked, smirking as he crossed his arms. "Do you really want to submit to me and admit I'm the better Hellhound? The stronger sonovabitch between the two of us? That you were wrong to talk shit about my Puppy?! ...Or do you want to try to keep going and prove yourself right?"

Cage's red eye twitched.

"...You got me in a fuckin' box here, Uzumaki."

"Well, at least you're smart enough to recognize that. Bone break time."

"Wait! Wait-wait! No!"

A last minute punch was caught and the arm was snapped over another. The other hound was yanked onto his side, his good arm pulled out of its socket. A firm stomp and twist shattered the other leg when it tried to reflexively kick at Naruto

A brutal series of filthy stomps to the groin ended the bout, with his red eyes rolled into his head, Cage foamed at the mouth as he was carried out by his supportive Pack. Naruto climbed out himself, to say he was not much worse off was an understatement, since he looked as pristine and fresh as he did when the fight started. He looked down at the referee, who held a large white paw up expectantly. A few bills were put in his hand.

"And you'll keep the record clean, right?"

"Of course, Mr. Uzumaki. I will have to put in that insult about your puppy, just a warning."

"Thanks, Dribs." Naruto went over to his bag of stuff and gathered it up. "Gotta get back home before Rox decides she's sick of waiting around and bails without changing Pickle again."

"See you next time, Mr. Uzumaki." Dribble Poodle bade the departing hound a farewell as he counted his take. It was good to be a Pit Fight Fixer and Referee.

(Now: Gluttony, Beelzebub Manor)

Reclining in a chair, an ice pack over his groin from the day-long marathon of fucking he barely managed to get through, Vortex sighed as he stared up at the ceiling. It was Thursday. Sometime tomorrow, he was going to be collected by his girlfriend's arch-nemesis, archenemy, or adversary whatever. The new fucker that owned him was actually an old acquaintance he never really liked, but tolerated since he sorted out good gigs for the Hounds he worked with. He started stiffing Vortex a few years back, which was weird, until he stopped sending gigs altogether.

That last part happened just around the time he and Bee first hooked up; basically she more or less told him they were a thing or he was her thing. Which, whatever, she was hot and a great fuck and really fun and super sweet as can be – point is, Vortex was fucking ecstatic with the arrangement. Until he needed some serious cash when a deal he thought was a sure thing fell through. As if he somehow knew that deal went south – he didn't, Vortex asked him to his face; and his old friend didn't lie, or at least, he didn't convincingly lie well – Naruto bailed him out and offered him a job.

Looking back, Vortex never should have mentioned that he was dating the Sin of Gluttony herself. He never should've accepted the money to keep Naruto updated. He never should have thought he could buy himself more happiness than the time he spent with Bee. But he did. He didn't sell her out, just kept an eye on her Ring-running decisions, low-key forwarded requests or probed her thoughts on Naruto's behalf.

"For Himawari." The other hound admitted one quiet night as they shared some drink and relived old memories of their puphood and Pack years. "Everything is for her, Tex. Everything. And if you compromise that, because you think this Sin actually fucking cares about you? And maybe she does, but most of your fucking reports tell me how not interested she is in how the Ring operates, so I fucking doubt it. But if you let that shit interfere with me? If you let that shit affect my puppy? I'll get you out of the fucking picture and get someone else to fucking do it."

"And here I am, getting out of the picture because Bee wanted to keep him..." Vortex huffed out an empty laugh. He smiled bitterly at the ornate ceiling. "Whoever is behind this sick twisted joke can go fuck themselves."

For a moment, again, the Hellhound wondered if this whole thing was orchestrated by his friend and former employer. As a form of long overdue payback for screwing his then girlfriend in his own bed – which, yeah, Tex still isn't proud of that moment; cucking wasn't his kink, apparently – which, if it was, fuck he was never getting on Naruto's fucking bad side again.

He'd seen what happened to Hounds that tried to push dominance over him. Those that threatened him, he took it with a smile and laugh. Maybe he'd punch you, maybe you'd punch him, then maybe he'd buy you a drink and smooth it out with more cash. It was when they started talking about threatening the Puppy that Naruto lost his smile.

It was then that the Blue-Eyed Beast would come back out.

(Then: Beelzehaven, Wild Things Facilitated – Main Office)

"...All I'm saying, Vortex, is that you could do both jobs however you want. I'll just manage the details for you, as a favor," Naruto said to him from the other side of his desk while he looked over a report his hot as fuck secretary dropped off in the middle of their conversation. Seriously, Vortex has tried everything in his flirt arsenal on her while he was in the lobby of his friend's office and she didn't even fucking blink at him. Just told him to sit down and wait. Stone fucking cold, that one.

"I can fucking handle organizing a stage crew, Runt." Vortex huffed.

"I never said you couldn't. But can you run background checks, organize payment slips, get hours logged, make sure benefits are doled out and that the Union-Pack members are bribed appropriately?"

"...Shit, I have to actually do all of that?"

"Only if you don't want any help. This is just my unofficial offer," Naruto said. He flipped the file on his desk shut and interlaced his fingers as he smirked. "Just keep an eye on some of them, let me know if they have potential. I just need a scout for potential that The Toad won't find."

"...This won't be like the arrangement with Bee, right? Under the table?"

"No, this one will be legit. You'll even get paid a bonus for anyone worthwhile you send my way–"

"Uzumaki!" A large, pitch black Hellhound with piercings along his face burst into the office despite the hottie secretary's protest of: "You can't fucking go in there, Valentine!"

"Mr. Valentine." Naruto was all smiles and bright eyes, his posture even remained the same. "How can I help you?"

"The fuck are you trying to pull?"

"...Currently? I'm trying to get my idiot friend here to sign on part-time officially." Naruto gave him a look and Vortex rolled his eyes. He glared up at the hound that intruded on them, the posture and snarling screamed 'challenger'.

"You cut my pay for the last job!"

"You killed three unaffiliated, underaged demons on a fucking B-n-E. Families desire and deserve recompense." Naruto deadpanned. "We don't go after kids, even if they're in a gang and trying to rob us, we can break them, but we don't kill them. Your pay got cut so I could bribe the fucking gang leaders to accept the losses uncontested."

"What kind of fuckin' racket you pulling here, Uzumaki? You keeping the cut you supposedly gave them?" Valentine growled. "I thought this PMC ran different than the D-Dogs."

"It is. There is a clause in your contract that agrees to give a sizable percentage to recompense if necessary. I hold all of my mercenaries accountable, Valentine, especially freelancers like you." Naruto's smile had vanished and his eyes had frosted slightly. Vortex watched, unwilling to step into a spat that he wasn't part of unless he absolutely had to. "You can't get trigger happy when faced with a fucking gang of teenagers. You're not a fucking cop, Anti-Christ's sake."

"Trigger–?!" Valentine snarled and then smirked. "You wanna see me get trigger happy? How's about I go find your little pup and show you how trigger happy I can get, huh? You usually keep her at your house right? The one you aren't at right now? The one I could have a group of guys at in a single fucking phone call?"

"The fuck are you–?" Vortex started to get up, but stopped as a cold chill went up his spine. It was a chill he had experienced only once, and was consequently extremely familiar with it, that filled the room. The last time he felt this chill was seconds before he got his naked ass absolutely handed to him to the point his father needed to take him to Sloth to take care of the wounds. If Hinata hadn't stopped the Beast when she did... The scrape of chair legs moving back had Vortex look at the source of the chill.

"Let me see if I understand this correctly." Furious, icy blue eyes glared into Valentine's blazing red. "Are you threatening my daughter? Over a fucking handful of bills?"

"I get all my money and the threat goes away."

"Is that how you think this is gonna go?" Naruto smiled, it wasn't a nice one. It wasn't a toothy one. It was a malicious, demonic, and downright evil smile that Vortex fucking wished he could pull off. "Very well. One moment."

He picked the receiver of his phone up and pressed a button on the module.

"Pris?" He locked eyes with the secretary that stood in the doorway. "Cancel the rest of my meetings for the day, this just took immediate priority. Oh, and please put in an order for a new door, phone and a new desk."

"Fuckin idiot, I only broke the door–Urk!"

The handheld receiver for the phone was shoved into his mouth and the cord was wrapped around his neck in the blink of an eye. Choking on the phone in two different ways, Valentine couldn't even attempt to resist being lifted up by the throat and smashed head-first through the nice wooden desk. Naruto kept a tight grip on the cord around his neck, and used it to keep him in place while his fist barreled over and over into Valentine's gut. As soon as blood started to leak out of Valentine's teeth and just as his struggling got tight, Naruto released him; yanked the phone receiver out of his mouth and cut the cord around his neck with his claws. As Valentine hacked on the rush of hellish air and coughed blood from his pulverized innards, Naruto grabbed his shirt collar and held him up so that they were eye to eye.

"You can threaten me. You can assault me. You can throw a fucking bitch fit at me," he growled and his claw jammed into Valentine's chest. Glowing blue eyes narrowed to dangerous slits and his hot breath created clouds as the air seemed to chill. "But you don't fucking ever, and I fucking mean ever, threaten my puppy. If I ever catch a whiff of your scent anywhere near her? Not a single corner of Hell will hide you from me. No 'immortal' Sinner will stop me from getting to you. And no fucking Sin in their right mind would lift a fucking finger to help a worthless, useless, waste of space like you. You get me, Valentine?"

The Hellhound whimpered and nodded. Naruto smiled and patted his cheek.

"Good boy." Valentine was thrown through the wall of the office and landed in a heap on the ground. Naruto walked over to snarl down at him again. "Congratulations, dipshit, you just got yourself and all of your associates fucking blacklisted."

Vortex felt his jaw pop open as Valentine strangled out a protest. Blacklisting a Hellhound was akin to sentencing them to death. It was hard enough to get decent and fair jobs as Hellhounds outside of Gluttony, but if you were blacklisted in the Ring? Jobs weren't happening. Bounties wouldn't get paid, regardless of the Client's trustworthiness. Depending on the reason for the blacklist a Hound could even find themselves stranded in Cannibal Town, just to get rid of them.

"Blacklist–? Naruto, isn't that a bit–?" Vortex felt the words die on his lips. His friend glared at him and he felt like a busted puppy that snuck another candy bar out of the corner store. Anti-Christ...fatherhood made the Hound in front of him absolutely terrifying. The glare locked him in place and Naruto gathered his things.

"We'll talk later, Tex." He grunted before he stepped on Valentine as he left. "Pris, have Mr. Valentine escorted out by whoever wants an extra fifty-kay. I'm gonna go home for the day."

"Of course, Boss," the secretary nodded. Once he was in the elevator, both Priscilla and Vortex felt the malicious chilled presence leave. Vortex met her gaze when she looked at him. Her brow arched. He stared at her for a moment, a little confused, before it registered. He scoffed and crossed his arms.

"Oh, fuck off. I'm not that desperate for cash."

(Now: Gluttony, Beelzebub Manor)

"Should've taken that easy fifty thou." Vortex muttered and let his eyes drift shut. He wondered what the rest of the Wild Things' group was doing right now. Did they know he was leaving? He should message them sometime–a pair of arms suddenly wrapped around his neck from behind and a tongue dragged up his face.

"Feeling anything yet?" Bee asked, a bit eagerly.

"Sorry babe." He sighed. She groaned and slid over him–hello, exposed and soaked Beelzebub pussy, you're a pleasant sight to see. If only he could get his red rocket to respond to any Mission Control demands.

"Ugh, that tanks. I'm so hot for you right now."

"Believe me, Bee, I'd be all over you if there wasn't a fucking riot going on down there." Vortex assured her. He stroked her back right between her wings as her oscillating tail waved about by his face. He smiled at her. "Want me to eat you out again?"

"...Yeah, fine. Kind of miffed I can't get you to react though."

"I told you that the reverse pin didn't work well with a knot. I thought we had tried that before?" Vortex muttered as he started to massage his girlfriend's ass while he scratched her back.

"I needed to verify it wouldn't work. Didn't mean to bust the dick." Bee grumbled before she sighed at his ministrations and chuckled. "Maybe I can use that on the smug bastard..."

"Rama?"

"Wh-? Fuck, no! Ew! Ugh, don't spoil the mood, babe." Bee scowled at him over her shoulder. "No, I mean Na-Ru-To."

"Ah." Yeah, Vortex wasn't sure how to feel about Bee's blunt lus–er, craving for his friend. If this was how Naruto felt after he found out about Vortex and Hinata...Shit, he owed that hound way more than a fucking apology.

"Hey, wait, you know him, right?! So, what the fuck is his deal?" Bee asked, twisting in an almost unnatural way to look back at him. "Why is your friend such a total negative ninny? Like, you were over the fuckin' moon when I claimed you, but he's fought me every step of the way."

"...I dunno, Bee. Ever since he got his puppy, his priorities shifted." Vortex admitted. His brow furrowed. "Everything for her. Like...he's altruistic or something."

"Huh. Fuckin weird. Great fuck, though."

"Yeah, he's pretty good at it so long as you don't try to mount him." Vortex mumbled before he went back to eating her out.

"Exact–!" Bee froze. Wonder why she di–? Vortex stopped mid lick. Oh shit. Her eyes locked with his one. The Sin grinned at him, a pointed gleam in her eye. "...So, that story is being told right fucking now."

"Can we just pretend I didn't say anything?" Naruto would kill him if he told Bee about their drunken night of experimenting.

"No. No, we can't."

"Dammit." Vortex grimaced and then glared at her pointedly. "If he finds out and kills me, I will haunt you, Babe."

"Threaten me with a good time."

(Now: Pride, Immediate Murder Professionals Main Office)

Loona didn't know how the fuck she got into this situation. Babysitting her boyfriend's puppy was one thing, but doing it while she was at work? Should not be necessary, she had more than enough time off saved up - thank you, Blitzø for your blatant nepotism – so watching the Squirt should have been cake. But no-o-o, someone had to have a fucking learning disability when it came to the easiest fucking job in all of creation.

Seriously, half the time she just wrote a name and location down and let Blitzø deal with the rest of the work. Or she took a number and had him call the client. Why the fuck Fatty couldn't do that, she had no idea. Her eye twitched and she growled at Fatty where he sat in the couch across from her, 'taking notes'. If she'd bet money this was his fault, she'd probably come back at a deficient because he was so fuckin inept.

"Why are you growling at Mr. Moxxie, Miss Loona?" The Squirt asked, looking up from her coloring book. She was in a chair set beside Loona, her book and box of crayons on most of the desk. Her bag – durable fucking thing that it was, being able to carry so much weight of solid gold without tearing – was under the desk, leaning on Loona's leg.

"Because he's a fuckin moron." She grumbled and went back to scrolling through Sinstagram. No good posts had been made in the past three hours. Which, expected, it was only ten in the morning. Most Hellborn were just waking up–her ears perked when she heard the padding of paws outside.

The door popped open and Himawari perked up when a retriever-like Hound jogged in. Cute guy, for a domestic-breed, looked kind of like a dim bulb though. She'd have written him off as a hound that took the wrong bus, except he wore the W.T.F. uniform – a sight that was becoming more and more common outside of Gluttony after Naruto's little 'demonstration' – a holstered pistol on his hip, and had a satchel strapped over his chest. The puppy beside Loona hopped onto her feet and her tail started to wag.

"Doug!" She barked.

"Lil' Boss!" The retriever barked back as he walked in, a dopey smile on his face. He came around Loona's desk – without permission, which was not okay, regardless of what he looked like or what organization he was with – and crouched down to give her a hug that she reciprocated. Loona growled at him and he glanced at her, before he broke the hug and took a step back. He ruffled the puppy's hair with a grin. "Good to see you're all better, kiddo."

"You, too!" The Squirt beamed up at him and then looked at Loona. Her ears perked up straight and she almost jumped as if remembering she was there. "Oh, right, Doug this is Miss Loona, she's my Daddy's girlfriend! Miss Loona, this is Doug, he's my Daddy's lobby receptionist!"

"Pleasure." Doug gave her a guarded smile. No teeth, slightly narrowed eyes, no other physical gestures.

"Piss off." Loona growled back. She glared down at the little puppy when her claw poked her elbow. "What?"

"You're s'posed to be nice when meeting new people."

"I am being nice." Loona deadpanned, she glared at the 'receptionist' – the fuck kind of job was that at a mercenary office?! – and flashed a fang. "He's the one that strode up and crossed the lines without permission."

"Shit, I did! Sorry about that." Doug chuckled and stepped back away from the desk. Loona relaxed and glanced back down at her boyfriend's puppy, her lips pursed and eyes narrowed. The retriever-like Hellhound flashed a small grin. "Miss Loona here's got a point, Lil Boss. Doesn't matter how excited you are, you shouldn't ever cross into another Hound's personal space without their okay."

"Unless they start it by getting in yours." Loona added, smirking at the pup. "But you already knew that, right Squirt?"

"Huh?"

"You did beat up those three boys."

"She what?" Doug guffawed and grinned down at the flat-eared Puppy. "Is that what happened?!"

"They started it." The Squirt muttered as she started to go back to coloring, tail drooping. Loona arched a brow and glanced up at Doug. He seemed to notice the behavior too, because his smile dimmed.

"Yeah, but at least you finished it, right–?"

"I gotta go potty." The puppy dropped from her seat and ran for the office's bathroom. Once the door shut, Doug looked at her, his smile dimmed and features tense. Loona glared at him, then at the slumped over form of Fatty, who had at some point fallen asleep while trying to 'study' her 'methods of secretarying'. Fucking dumbass.

"Well." The single word from 'Doug' had Loona look at his stupid smiling face again."Can't say the boss doesn't have taste."

"Go drown in a toilet bowl." Loona growled. She hated domestic Hellhounds that thought they were all that because they weren't immediately ugly rejects. Those fuckers reminded her of Rio, the horny little shit hat had been her roommate during her last year at the Orphanage.

"A 'no thanks, not interested' would've sufficed." The retriever-like Hound crossed his arms. "I'm actually here on business, I wasn't expecting you and Himawari to be here."

"I wasn't exactly planning on it either." Loona grumbled. She crossed her arms. "So, what's Naruto want? We normally work for Sinners–"

"No, above your office is a certain succubus that's got beef with your boss, but she recognizes what this business does as something beneficial to Hell. She's got an anonymous request to put in."

"...She sent you?" Loona tilted her head. "I thought Tex was–?"

"He's tied up with something else at the moment, if you catch my drift." Doug smirked. Gross. Like, yeah, Bee and Vortex were both hot and sexy, but she really didn't need that mental image in her head. Not while she was watching her boyfriend's Puppy and can't act on it, anyway.

"So, what's Verosika want?"

"She's offering serious stacks for the head of a Hound. Got a dossier here for you." He dug around in his satchel and held it out. The beige folder had a single word written on it: RAMA. Loona furrowed her brow. That's a vaguely familiar name...Why did it–?

A sniffled whine caught her ear and she looked toward the bathroom. She and Doug exchanged a look.

"I'm just upstairs if you need backup." He offered with a grin, with a card set atop the beige folder. Then he left, not even a glance at the bathroom. Loona wasn't sure whether to be annoyed or grateful that he was gone. She shook her head and got up. A pen was thrown at the dozing fatty, startling him awake.

"I'm up! I studied today, I did–!" He looked around. "Oh, just a dream."

"Don't care. Watch the phone." Loona snapped. She went into the bathroom before he could get another word in and over to the puppy curled up on the floor, knees in her face and the short tail partially around her foot. That stupid fucking twist in her chest that reared its head whenever she was around her boyfriend or the Squirt showed up again. Loona crossed her arms and leaned on the sink. She watched the puppy cry for another second before she decided she was sick of it. "Must have been a really nasty shit if you're crying about it."

"...That's-a bad word." She sniffled. Seriously-? Right, five years old. Well, Naruto was the idiot that left her with Loona. He would have to reap what he sowed.

"Sure fucking is." Loona drawled and sighed. "Look, Squirt, if this is how I acted to Doug–"

"It's not! It's not. I..I just..I want to go back to school." The Squirt whined, wet blue eyes looked up at her. Loona frowned back. That stupid twist tightened. It was starting to aggravate her.

"Well, tough shit. You broke two boys' noses and beat up the other one. Doesn't matter who started it; consequences exist, kid." She explained bluntly. The Squirt whined and Loona rolled her eyes and groaned. This so isn't what she signed up for when she started dating Naruto; she just wanted to fuck a hottie. But...It was his puppy, the eyes said it all. Stupid, pretty, weird blue eyes.

"Look, Heema–"

"Himawari."

"Heema." Loona repeated herself as she walked over and squatted down beside the puppy. She hesitated and then offer a gentle pat on the head–Oh, fuck mistakes were made!

Loona swallowed back a yelp when The Squirt glomped onto her and nuzzled into her stomach. She growled at the whimpering pup for the sudden presence on her person and spreading the funky tears and mucus into her coat. Fucking, this clingy little thing! That had to be Naruto's fucking fault, always coddling her with hugs and affection and...Everything Loona ever wanted as a Puppy. Which was likely everything he ever wanted at the same age.

Oh, it all just fucking clicked.

I'm a fucking moron, Loona thought as she slowly, hesitantly, returned the tight embrace with a looser one on her end. Of course he treats her like that, Loona. She's young enough to still fucking need that shit. Let alone want to get it.

Not that Loona didn't want it. She was just more selective in who could touch her and when. Blitzø, fucking near brain-dead moron that he was, would be on there if he wasn't so ignorant or inattentive of her physical (and sometimes vocal) cues. She gently stroked her claws through the puppy's soft, deep blue hair and that tightness in her chest started to lighten. The squirt, Heema, started to whimper less and her vice grip around Loona's rib cage – seriously, the broken arm barely hindered her strength! What is Naruto doing with this puppy?! Roiding her breakfast?! – relaxed.

"You want a bit of advice, Squirt?"

"Mm-hm." She nodded into Loona's stomach, a lone blue eye peeked up at her. That was just not fucking fair, fuck her boyfriend and his dead ex for making a cute little bitch like this. Loona hid how she felt about being the recipient of the adorable look behind a smirk.

"If you don't want to do the time, don't do the crime."

"..But they started it.."

"And without your side of the story, all any stupid grown up would think is that you beat them up because of who your dad is – I said 'stupid' grown up, Squirt. No one with a brain cell actually thinks that." Loona cut herself off when the puppy opened her mouth to argue. She scratched the puppy behind her ear and arched a brow. "Next bit of advice? It happened, it sucks, but tough shit. Hell Sucks. Just get over it and get through the day."

"...I still wanna go back to school." Himawari pouted.

"Well..." Loona fumbled for a response to that. She never liked school, so she couldn't relate, but what did she do whenever there was something she had to wait for–? Bingo. Her ears perked and she smirked at the pup. "C'mon, let me show you something."

She picked the puppy up – sweet fuck, despite being so tiny, the Squirt was not light in the fucking slightest! No wonder her boyfriend was built like a fucking brick house, if he was lifting this Hellpup like he did around her every day, she wouldn't be surprised – and carried her out of the bathroom on her hip. Fatty was at her desk up until Loona snarled at him and he scampered away. She huffed in satisfaction and set the pup back in her seat – Lucifer's mercy, her back was going to bitch at her later; almost as much as her lungs did the day after they went to the Pup Park – before she dug around in her desk's side drawers.

Where the fuck did I–? Aha! Loona smirked as she pulled a basic business calendar she had no use for out and checked the date. Shit, it wasn't even October yet.

"You've been out of school for, what? A week? Two?" She asked. The Squirt looked at her with a small wag of her tail and ears perked high.

"Two."

"Alright, that's two weeks left then." Loona nodded and started marking the calendar with red ink, putting big red X's over dates that , until she wrote on the last day: 'Squirt's Back In Skool'. "See? Now you can–"

"Aw, I have to go back to school on Daddy's birthday?!"

Her gut reaction to the puppy's fresh whine was to growl – Either be upset you're not in school or be upset you have to go! You can't have it both ways, Squirt! – but thankfully, Loona's higher brain function was working. She looked at the date that had Himawari's return written on it.

October Tenth. Loona repeated the date in her head like a mantra even as she pulled her phone out and added that to her calendar. If by some fucking miracle they hadn't broken up – that would mark this as her longest official relationship to date, beating out her two week streak as a side piece for a touring drummer that stopped in Pride a few years back – she wanted to do something special for him.

"Well, maybe your dad will want you to go and take you somewhere fun after." Loona suggested to the puppy. She gave a weak smile. "He...Likes seeing you happy and you like school, so, maybe he'll want to hear about your first day back..?"

"...Maybe..." The Squirt frowned before she shook it off and beamed up at Loona. "When's your birthday, Miss Loona?"

"Sometime in fall. I don't know." Loona shrugged. She was dropped off in April on the orphanage doorstep, already at least a year old. Rather than let either of them dwell on that, she smirked at the Pup and tapped her little black nose with a claw. "So when's yours, Heema?"

"November First!" The Puppy giggled as her tail wagged. Smirking, Loona made note of it in her phone, just in case she needed to remember, and listened as the squirt kept on talking. "Last year, Daddy and Grump took me to Queen Bee's Hive and let me pick my presents! Grump was really mad at Daddy for some reason."

"And what do you want this year?" Loona asked, already having an idea as to why the old pervert 'Grump' would be miffed. The cheap bastard likely got conned into paying for the gifts, which Naruto had told her was his least favorite way to spend money. That it was for his great-grandpuppy – it still blew her mind that Naruto and his grandfather were on speaking terms, but the question of what happened to his parents remained unanswered. Not that Loona was going to go asking anytime soon, but Hellhounds either had dead parents or adoptive parents in her experience – must have made the purchase at least a little bearable.

"I want a–! Oh, um...Can't say!" The little puppy lied poorly. She smiled too much and her eyes were way too wide. Those wide eyes looked down as her ears dropped and her tail stilled. "I wished for it two years already, and if I tell anyone it won't come true."

"...Alright?" Loona frowned. Two years? What the fuck could she have wanted for two years straight that her dad couldn't have gotten her? Maybe she needed to talk to Naruto about it..? Was that weird? It didn't feel weird, but Loona wasn't a fucking expert on social norms. She shook it off and took the calendar from the desk to push it into the pup's paws. "Here, Squirt. You can tack off days until you get to go back to school."

"..Can't I keep it here?"

"Why would you want to keep that thing here?" Loona asked incredulously. The puppy looked up at her hopefully.

"Cuz then...we could mark it off together?"

Oh.

Oh, shit.

Loona might have an idea what that stupid tickle in her chest was. Crap. Her eyes were gonna start burning– Yep, there they go! Fuck! Nope, no, do not cry Loona. Do not fucking cry! The sweet puppy would flip her shit if she sees you cry! Quick, a distraction! Something, anything!

The door to Blitzø's office slammed open and her adoptive father groaned as he stomped out.

"Loony, have there been any fucking job requests today? Stolas is getting so fucking irritating and flip-flopping like a bitch switch over text it's driving me up the fucking wall!" He complained. "All I asked him was if he wanted another reaming or throat swab like I gave him on Sunday–!"

Thank you, Blitzø, for your timely irritation. Loona thought as all the sweet feelings that had welled up in her from the Squirt's earnest implication shifted to a hot burning annoyance to direct at her adoptive father. She reached out and grabbed the Imp's collar, then hauled him close to snarl in his face.

"There is a fucking puppy present," she growled and added a glow to her eye when he glanced over her shoulder at the watching pup. "So watch your fucking mouth and for all that's fucking evil, stop telling me about you and the bird-guy's sex-life!"

"...She's not here to hire us again, is she?" Weird, why did Blitzø sound worried about that? They got fucking gold bars for their trouble–Wait, no, focus on the right priorities, Loona. He didn't hear her, so she went to repeat herself but was interrupted.

"Miss Loona said she would watch me today cuz Daddy's going after the bad guys that blew up his building," the Squirt chirped. She chewed on her lip. "We were gonna watch the next Flayer movie but you called her in."

God-fucking-dammit. Loona didn't want Blitzø to know that! Shit, she didn't want anyone in the office to know that!

"...You were going to watch Flayer II?" Fatty asked. Loona snarled at him and instinctively tightened her grip around Blitzø's neck. As he started choking – in a manner not unsimilar to some human cartoon that popped up on Sinstagram's meme feed – she growled at the smirking Fatty.

"With the Puppy, you fatassed twink."

"For the last time, I am not fat!" He looked at Millie, who walked in – Where the fuck has she been all day? Wait, Loona just remembered that she didn't care – with a stack of papers and books that threatened to topple on her. "You don't think I'm fat, do you honey?"

"Huh? Oh, of course not, Mox-box!" Millie grinned and set her stack of things on the couch beside him. "You're just, uh...Settled!"

"Settled." He repeated, the disappointment in his voice helped Loona relax and drop Blitzø to the ground. "Settled?! Millie, what does that even mean?!"

"Means you're fat." Loona smirked as he scowled at her. The Squirt giggled and they glanced at her.

"You're all so funny." She giggled. "It's like watching my aunties and uncles!"

"She thinks I'm funny!" Blitzø hopped to his feet and grinned at the puppy. "You definitely got your mom's brains, kid."

"Blitzø!" Loona snapped as the Squirt's smile fell and she curled up behind her calendar. Talking about her boyfriend's pup's birth mom was basically taboo, or so Naruto said when he gave her a brief rundown of how to take care of the pup. The little girl did not like to be reminded of how she didn't resemble her father. She reached out and scratched the pup's ear. "Ignore him, he's one of those stupid adults I told you about and he's still mad your daddy kicked his ass."

"Daddy does that a lot."

"Yes. Yes, he does." Loona muttered, thinking about the many fights she watched on her phone and the feats she'd seen her boyfriend manage in person. Shit, she hoped everything was going according to plan on his end; it would suck if he was hurt and they had to put off any more plans for a fun night again.

Like Loona told him earlier that week, she just broke a two year abstinence streak – which had to be a fucking record in Hell – and there was a dam just about ready to burst.

AN: Happy B-Day to your favorite hokage and mine...Konohamaru the Seventh! ...Yeah, Steve, I know it's wrong. That's the fucking joke, dumbass. Hey, don't get smarmy with me, dude. I'll send you back to that other guy so fast you'll wonder where the funding and your package of pretzel sticks went!

Thanks for reading all!