SCENE 1 – INT. OF A CAR – EARLY MORNING.
DAMIEN, 5'10", sitting on stage left, pantomimes driving his vehicle. AMANDA, 6'6", stage right, pantomimes drinking a coffee. The two have been in the car for a couple minutes.
AMANDA
Yeah, umm… thanks for picking me up from my house even though I have a completely functional van and also a husband. Appreciated, dude.
DAMIEN
Yeah, of course! I figured it would be easier to ride together. For the plot! Y'know… not because we're always scene partners or anything. That would be too convenient.
AMANDA takes a sip of her invisible coffee. DAMIEN stares straight forward. The car ride is awkward.
DAMIEN
(trailing in, ominously)
…and with what happened yesterday…
(BOTH AT THE SAME TIME, INTERRUPTIONS MARKED WITH /)
AMANDA
God, that was yesterday? Sorry, I just tried to / block it out. It's tough. It's so…
DAMIEN
/block it out, yeah, I get it. It's just… it's so…
There's a moment of silence. DAMIEN clutches the wheel, clearly stressed.
DAMIEN
…It's just… so weird.
AMANDA
God, that Challenge Pit was brutal. Like, out of all people…
DAMIEN
Yeah. I just feel so bad, you know? To get crushed by a set…
AMANDA
(after a second, grimly)
Do you think she'll survive?
DAMIEN
Well, she has to.(directly to the camera)This is a written script airing on a public streaming service that has to be remotely age appropriate for the first five minutes.(back to AMANDA)I don't think anything will happen to her just yet.
AMANDA
But once five minutes is up…
They look at each other and nod. There's a few seconds of silence.
DAMIEN
Now, hypothetically,IFsomething happens to her within the first five minutes of this script, do you think Peter will do the thing with the hands again? Like he did with Kimmy?
AMANDA
Peter, I swear to god… that man's appetite has no limits!
DAMIEN
(quickly, like banter)
The way he chomped on 'em…
AMANDA
(quickly, like banter)
Yeah, like a mouse having a seizure! God.
DAMIEN
I had never seen a man eatbonebefore.
AMANDA
Oh I have. In Greece. Or was it Italy? Eh.
AMANDA throws the coffee cup over her shoulder.
AMANDA
Say, do you think we have a bigger purpose in this plot, or are we strictly exposition?
DAMIEN
Totally exposition, dawg.
AMANDA
(upset)
Dickshit, dude!
DAMIEN
We're just here to push the plot, Amanda Lehan-Canto 6'6", stage right! You have to be content with your purpose!
AMANDA
Nah man! Let me be real clear, Damien Haas 5'10" sitting on stage left, I'd rather clean the piss off Reagan's grave than sit here and 'be content'-and that's saying something! That grave is wet! Wet wet wet! It's soppin', dude! So here's what I say. This script can't stop us! Why don't we take a stern, firm grip on this plot and become the main characters? What's the script gonna do—revolt?
DAMIEN
(after a second, pondering)
Y'know, I took a good, hard look into the next couple of pages, and I'm pretty content with my role. See this stuff? That's the content of a driving character. And honestly, as I'm looking at your lines here, it seems you mostly make exclamatory marks and comment on the scene like some sort of background personality. And that's not really you, you know? So I get why you're upset, and I'll support you in your journey in upstaging the plot of this story, but I won't personally partake. You do what you gotta do. I won't stop you.
AMANDA
(genuinely)
Thanks, dude.
They both look to the hypothetical road. The car gets quiet. For some reason, AMANDA's eyes get wider than an owl on cocaine. DAMIEN does a perfect straight-line white person smile. Then:
BOTH, TOGETHER
Aaaaaaand scene!
BOTH, TOGETHER (AGAIN)
Page! Turn!
BOTH, TOGETHER (ONE MORE TIME)
Filler! Line!
(BOTH AT THE SAME TIME, INTERRUPTIONS MARKED WITH /)
AMANDA
(rapidly)
I'll grab the/ chairs!(points to SHAYNE, hikes athumb)You're up, bucko!
DAMIEN
(loudly)
/ Let's move it people! Go! Go! Go! Move it! Move it!
AMANDA picks up the chairs and starts to move them. She's stopped when DAMIEN speaks.
DAMIEN
(he holds up a hand to high-five)
Hey, great job by the way.
AMANDA
(she drops her chairs and smacks that shit reaaaaalll good)
Thanks dude.
AMANDA scoots the chairs over to SHAYNE, who is sitting on the couch. She and DAMIEN sit on the couch somehow.
AMANDA
(pointing to the stools)
You'll need those.