SCENE 3 – THE LUNCH TABLES – MID MORNING.
THE CAST is gathered in a circle around a face-down corpse: ANGELA's body. It lays stupidly face-down under a lunch table. DAMIEN is crouched near the body, clearly investigating it.
AMANDA
(throwing her hands in the air)
Ohhhh my goddddd!
DAMIEN
(in a Rhett McLaughlin voice)
Corpse is cold. And damp–like morning dew. It's almost like someone was sweating… just driiiiping all over her corpse, man. Wet. Wet wet wet. It's horrible!
COURT
Wow… and the body's so… out in the open, too!
DAMIEN
(in a Rhett McLaughlin voice)
See those floor marks all over her legs? It's as if one really buff, strangely sweaty and mildly psychological person was trying to move her corpse and just gave up.
DAMIEN stands.
DAMIEN
(in a normal voice)
Gang, I honestly have no idea who could have done this.
AMANDA
(in THE voice–honey, you know the one)
Holy god jesus lord almighty! Our sweet little baby angel is dead!
(BOTH AT THE SAME TIME, INTERRUPTIONS MARKED WITH /)
SHAYNE
(sheepishly, bad at lying)
Damn… that sucks man… No / one could have seen this coming!
COURT
(dryly)
/One-line comment on the situation! Point and gasp!
AMANDA
(still in that voice. milk that shit)
Oh… she didn't have to go so soon!(looking up to the sky, walking forward, taking center stage)Why, god, had I known your intentions, I'd've walloped the stranger who killed this fine woman myself! I'd've… I'd've stood right by my dear sister's side and ransack'd em, dear god, I woulda done it! JustONEfist to the nose woulda knocked 'em out clean! Just one! Good lord, I promise to you–no, no, Iswearto you, when I find out who killed our lil' chihuahua incarnate, I'll peel their gums back 'til their teeth fall out. I'll do it, lord, I'll do it! I'll see each layer of their sweaty little gums, take my finest razor, and start slicing away, my great and holy lord, until their teeth plop into my hands. And I wanna hear 'emplop. And–and when they growem' back… my dearest, finest god… I'll just do it again.
SHAYNE
Holy shitballs.
The CREW applauds because AMANDA deserves it. AMANDA bows and returns to her space. SHAYNE sneaks over to COURT's side. He leans in.
SHAYNE
Hey babe?
COURT
(quietly, to him)
I heard it. Do you think we can take on a 6 foot 11 certified tall woman?
SHAYNE
Hell no.
COURT
Dude, we're FUCKED.
DAMIEN
Hey, guys, look!
DAMIEN kneels down again and raises ANGELA's hand up a solid yard.
EVERYONE
(In-Sync)
In-tact hands!
DAMIEN drops ANGELA'S hand, which thumps against the floor. EVERYONE goes off stage to find PETER and congratulate him on not eating the hands this year.
They then return on stage. SHAYNE puts his hands and his head against a wall, distressed. He clenches his ass or something. I don't know. There's a moment of silence, which gets interrupted by:
AMANDA
(Like she never saw it before, throwing hands in air)
Ohhhh my goddddd!
DAMIEN
I say we just do the logical thing and call the police.
COURT
Well, what if we did literally anything else?
DAMIEN
Uh huh. Liiiike?
COURT
Uh… investigated the crime?
SHAYNE
(from the back a bit too loudly)
Yeah, she wasn't dead when we left yesterday.
DAMIEN
You make a point. Why don't we transition the scene and do exactly that? Hey narrator! Tell me to kneel on the ground again.
DAMIEN kneels on the ground again.
DAMIEN
Thanks.(directly to the camera)This is going to suck.
AMANDA feels a sudden urge to drag ANGELA's corpse off stage and back to the couch, so she does just that. Meanwhile, SHAYNE finds the stools and puts them back on stage. COURTNEY goes into the crew to high five EMILY because that's exactly what should happen at this beat in the plot. We love EMILY.