SCENE 4 – SMOSH PIT THEATRE STAGE – MORNING-ISH.
DAMIEN, 3'5" when kneeling, is still exactly where he was before. COURT (5'7") and SHAYNE (3'4") sit in the two stools. AMANDA, 7'4", slowly scoots ANGELA(0'7", roughly the size of a feral guinea pig)'s corpse into frame again through any method possible.
DAMIEN
Hey guys! Great job moving this stuff.
EVERYONE exchanges high fives or something, but DAMIEN is kneeling and everyone is too lazy to bend down and high five him, so he never gets one. Sounds familiar. The plot continues.
DAMIEN
Now, I wasn't here, so let me get this straight. She got crushed by this red backdrop here? A piece of fabric?
COURT
Yup.
DAMIEN
And then she fell down there…
SHAYNE
Yup.
DAMIEN
During a Challenge Pit video?
AMANDA
Yup.
DAMIEN
Which gets filmed in the TNTL studio?
COURT
Yup.
DAMIEN
And not here?
SHAYNE
Yup.
DAMIEN
Mhm. Okay! Hey, Shayne, can you come kneel right next to me so I can wrap my arm around you and progress the plot?
SHAYNE
(he does just that)
Yeah sure!
DAMIEN
(wrapping an arm around SHAYNE's back)
Hey buddy. Pal. Lovers, maybe. Who knows? Tell me this. (after a second, with intensity)How.
There's a moment of silence.
SHAYNE
(panicking, suddenly standing)
Okay I'll admit it! I killed her!
EVERYONE BUT SHAYNE gasps. DAMIEN finally stands (thank god).
SHAYNE
I–I wasn't going to say anything for the first five minutes of the script because I'm legally not allowed to! I didn't want to anger the Youtube gods! And even when five minutes passed, I couldn't say it because it wasn't written in! I can't deviate from the script, man! I'm not that powerful! It's just impossible!
AMANDA, improv a reaction. You are more powerful than the script. You can honestly do whatever you want. Women support women.
DAMIEN
You? You?! My best friend in the entire world, who is second to maybe my cats?
SHAYNE
I'm sorry–
DAMIEN
–You, the man who pushed me to greater limits? You, the one who understands me? You, the being who helped me transcend the mortal plane?
(BOTH AT THE SAME TIME, INTERRUPTIONS MARKED WITH /)
SHAYNE
I didn't mean for it to go this / far, man! I didn't mean–
DAMIEN
/ You know not what you've unleashed, mere mortal, you just don't!
(CONTINUED, BOTH AT THE SAME TIME, INTERRUPTIONS MARKED WITH /)
DAMIEN
Because you've unleashed a hell, Shayne, and / you don't even know it.
COURT
Guys, I'm still here–
AMANDA
(Improv something while this is all happening. This script cannot contain you anymore. Do what you wish. This is your world now.)
(CONTINUED, BOTH AT THE SAME TIME, INTERRUPTIONS MARKED WITH /)
DAMIEN
A hellish beast/ , Shayne.. a catalyst of chaos to sew/ a conflict beyond your wildest–
COURT
/Guys–
/Guys!-
COURT
GUYS!
EVERYONE BUT AMANDA looks at her… unless AMANDA wants to. The script does not direct her anymore. It just gives suggestions.
COURT
Jesus, man, stop with the monologues! Every single time we're about to get to something important, someone has to raise their voice and look into the camera and ramble about something crazy! First it's hamsters, then it's about gum lines or something, and now it's about beasts?! Hellish beasts?! Holy dickcheese, dude! This feels like when a guy searches for the clit after six drinks, cause nothing is happening! Nothing!
COURT
(they turn to the camera)
And I'll tell you what's happening. I'll tell you everything. Yesterday, this entire set fell on Angela and she gotHURT. And that doesn't makeANYsense. How does aCURTAINfalling on the equivalent of a box of NERDS in a car crash bag nearly kill them? It doesn't! But it happened! And no one would take them to the hospital because that's just what'ssuperconvenient for the plot of this script. So they laid here. Unconscious. And ALSO,–ah, page flip–
just before we left last night, we whipped out an entire gun out of somewhere not important and shot her. We shot her dead. Rather, Shayne shot her because I couldn't bring myself to do it. But she's dead. And we did it. That's it. It's done.
There is silence (unless AMANDA says otherwise). Then:
DAMIEN
You mistake what the beast is, Court.
COURT
Good god, not again–
DAMIEN
It is a mystery.
(CONTINUED, BOTH AT THE SAME TIME, INTERRUPTIONS MARKED WITH /)
COURT
There is no mystery here, Damien, because she's / dead!
DAMIEN
/There's no bullet wound.
THE CREW gasps.
SHAYNE
Wait, what?
DAMIEN
There's no bullet wound.
COURT
None?
DAMIEN
Nope.
SHAYNE
Not one?
DAMIEN
Nope.
AMANDA, continue to improv. You can leave the set if you want. Do whatever you want, dude. Anyone you talk to MUST respond with improv, then proceed to the script. It is the law. Glory Be to Script Law.
COURT
How? We shot her six times…
DAMIEN
Well, you either missed or the bullets do not exist. She did not die through bullet wounds.
SHAYNE
Then how did she die…?
DAMIEN
Let me quote a powerful woman: "I lied". Shayne, lift Angela's hand up.
SHAYNE bends down and lifts up ANGELA's hand. He then drops it. It thumps to the floor.
DAMIEN
Did you see it?
SHAYNE
…No?
DAMIEN
Try again.
SHAYNE bends down and lifts up ANGELA's hand. He then drops it to the ground. It thumps to the floor.
SHAYNE
(realizing)
Wait…
COURT
Let me see…
COURT bends down and lifts up ANGELA's hand. He then drops it to the ground. It thumps to the floor.
COURT
(realizing)
Oh my god…
DAMIEN
(spinning to point at Peter)
They'reFAKE!The hands are FAKE!
EVERYONE
(In-Sync)
Peeeeeteeeeer!
PETER starts to run as EVERYONE goes off stage to hunt him. Everyone can now IMPROV however they feel. This script cannot contain you anymore. Nothing can contain you. (straight to the camera) You are your own entity. You are your own being. You are a hurdling mass and a collidable planet. You are a bottle of vinegar and a box of baking soda. You are a hamster. You are a volcano. You are alive. You will be alive. You! You heard me. I know you can hear me. I know it. You. Are. Alive. And you are on your way. You. Are. On. Your. Way.