Chapter Ten: (Everyone! Okay?)
Hours in the forest have gone by for the four as they were not gaining any successful progress. To them, it looked like the more they travel through the thick woods the more thick woods they see. They have to admit it. They are officially lost. Lost to the point that one of them is wishing they get out soon. That person is Fiona.
Fiona was dealing with giving multiple honest advice to Donkey about his current situation with Dragon and other things that would make her want to just jump off the cliff and drown in salt water. Due to the fact that Donkey is talking her to death and feeling irritated.
"Oh, please let it be over. This is suffering." Fiona begged while resting her chin on her right hand while looking tiresome and still being carried.
"Okay, so here is another question. Say that this certain woman who really digs me, right, but don't really like her in that kind of way. So, how exactly do you let her down real easy so her feelings are not so hurt, but you do not end up getting burned to a crisp and eaten?. How do you do that?." asked Donkey, hoping he gets a positive answer.
"Pfft, you are asking the wrong person." Jason commented enough for Fiona to hear.
Fiona looked at Jason with a brow raised. "And what is that supposed to mean?."
"Figure it out." Jason shot back as he looked at the woman. "Are you done with my book yet?."
Fiona looked at her other hand that had the blue hardcover book. "Not yet. Did you manage the route we should take to get out of here?."
"No. Why?." Jason responded.
"Oh, nothing. It is just that you should have done what I said." Fiona turned her attention back to the book to read.
"Which is?." Donkey wondered.
Fiona put the book down. "I told him to stick his index in his mouth and then take it out and feel where the wind blows. And once he feels where the wind blows we will know exactly where we need to go. Facts."
Jason looked at the princess. Having an irritated facial expression. "Dumb Dumb, you only use that method if you are on a ship. You are making intelligent women look bad."
"And you make this whole forest look bad, just by you being in it." Fiona smirked back at her perfect comeback.
"That is the worst comeback that I have ever heard in my whole life." Donkey commented as that is so true.
Jason made a chuckle with his throat. "Right. Coming from a princess, she should be more intelligent than average commodores. Well, that should let you know right here and there, Donkey. Royal Schooling ain't worth a pile of smelling stool inside a chamber pot."
Shrek tried to keep his laughter inside of him as that is a good pun from his boy. Fiona frowned at hearing this. She is most definitely not going to take this insult from this kid and make her look bad.
"News Flash, teenager, we have flush indoor toilets and not chamber pots. We are uppity royalty and not a bunch of poo-smelling poop farmers. So, stick that up your porter john." Fiona shot back.
"Spell Uppity for me will yeah?." Jason asked.
"Simple. U. P. P. I. T.Y. So there!." Fiona took her eyes back to her reading.
"Well, that is a shocker for us all." Jason said with his hands in his pocket.
Fiona once again put the book down with a pouted facial expression. "Look here you. I am not going to put up with your rude attitude. In other words, I am sick of your S.H…uh."
Donkey can see Fiona needing help spelling the swear word. "A. The letter A comes next, Princess."
"Thank you, Donkey." Fiona looked back at Jason to finish her spelling. "S.H.A.F.T!."
Jason and Sherk just busted out laughing after hearing what Fiona just spelled. This confused both Donkey and Fiona as the two had no idea what was funny about it.
"You sick of my shaft!?." Jason managed to fight his laughter. "Well, if I ever had a girlfriend or wife, I most definitely know that she will never gonna get tired rubbing the shaft and tip, if you know what I mean."
Fiona tilted her head in confusion. Then Jason gave her a clue by pointing down to his pants. She blushed red now, understanding what she just spelled and wanted to change the whole conversation. She remembered what she was talking to Donkey about.
"Like I was saying to you, Donkey, before being distracted." Fiona gave him a calm and relaxing facial expression. "You just tell her that she is really not your true love. Everyone in this day and age knows without a doubt what happens when you find your...
Shrek cuts her off with a deliberate, bouncing for readjustment. But Fiona and him both know that he just wants to be slick with wanting to feel her rear end. Fiona looked at the ogre with disgust but deep down it was exciting her but did not want to give him the benefit of satisfaction.
"Hey!. Easy with the merchandise, pal. The sooner we get our butts out of these woods and make our way to Duloc the better." Fiona spoke.
"Will get there when we get there." Jason eyed the woods.
"Oh, you are gonna love it there in Duloc, Princess. It's beautiful!." Donkey spoke with cheerfulness to make the tone of the atmosphere positive.
"Yeah, and it only costs you your freedom and freedom right." Jason mumbled.
Fiona smiled at the talking animal. "And what about my groom-to-be?. Lord Farquaad?. What is he like?. Please do not spare the details."
Jason was about to give the woman a crazy reality about the man, until Shrek spotted a small pond and saw this is a great time to take a good break. He rudely threw Fiona down in the dusty dirt and went over to the water, while joining in the conversation.
"Here, let me put it this way, princess." Sherk began while washing his hands. "Men of Farquaad's stature are in...short supply!."
Shrek chuckled at his funny fact joke. It was so funny that even Donkey wanted to join in on the fun as Jason tried to break the laughter building up inside of him.
"Man, I dunno, Shrek. There are those who think...little of him!." Donkey said before laughing harder.
Sherk laughed harder as well. Leaving Fiona all upset as she looked at the two with disgust and anger. She crossed her arms while eyeing the two.
"Stop it. Stop it, the both of you. You two are just jealous that you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad." Fiona protested.
Jason nodded. "Fiona is right, Dad. We should show some respect for the guy."
This made Shrek and Donkey stop laughing and looked at Jason confusingly. Jason out of all should be reaping on the guy after he did and said when they saw him last time. Fiona on the other hand is at least pleased to see that Jason is acting like a respectful person.
"Thank you, Jason." Fiona put her arm around Jason. "At least someone has some human decency."
"That and…" Jason can not fight his laughter much longer. "Short Lives Matter!."
This got Jason, Sherk, and Donkey laughing hard. In return, Fiona frowned and pushed Jason away from her. And here she thought that Jason had some ounce of respect for Farquaad. Clearly, that is not the answer at all.
"You three are the worst in the woods. For real." spoke Fiona.
"It is what it is, ginger snob." Jason said, giving Fiona a nickname based on the natural hair color of hers and her somewhat social status.
Shrek got done refreshing himself from the water of the bond and got up. "Well, Fiona, if you want to see proof of what we are saying or you want to keep your stance. Then well yeah, well, maybe you are probably right, princess. But I will just let you do the...measuring...when you see him tomorrow. That is if we get out here to make it happen."
Fiona stopped in her tracks after hearing the word tomorrow. It put chills down her spine as she turned her back to see the sun behind them and saw it coming down. This has put the woman in all high panic mode.
"It will take that long?. Should we not stop to make camp?. At least make ourselves some dinner?." Fiona spoke in hopes that this will convince the others.
"Well, food does sound good Dad." said Jason, when feeling his stomach growl. "After all she ate up all the snacks. Greedy ginger."
"It sounds good but it is no." Shrek looked at Fiona. "Sorry, but that will take too much longer and time consuming. We can keep on going."
"But…But…But." Fiona quickly thinks up a convening argument till it hits her like someone hit the back of her head with a log. "But there are robbers, molesters, sickos, turned-on pedophiles, and bestiality in these woods!."
The last part got Donkey's attention as he knows he most definitely does not want to be touched by a human in the wrong way. He recalls what had happened to his girl cousin who is still traumatized to this very day.
"Whoa!. Time out, Shrek!. Jason!. Camping is definitely starting to sound good right now." said a scared Donkey.
Jason crossed his arms and looked at Donkey. "Name one time you ever heard of an animal rapist raped an animal in the woods. Name me one."
Donkey was unable to say.
"Yeah, that is what I thought. Everyone knows animal rapists rape defenseless animals in stables and sometimes do it in the outhouse. I read it in the newspaper, so you guys do not ask me how I know that all too well in suspicion. Not ever Moor is a freaky deaky." said Jason, not getting accused.
"Right." Sherk raised his brow and shook it off. "And to end this whole conversation about wanting to make camp due to being worried that something is out trying to get us. I am a whole lot scarier than anything we are going to see in this whole forest. Trust me."
Fiona, however, is not going to take that and drop her whole chance of her dark secret. So, she quickly went in front of Shrek and spoke with a large tone.
"I need to find somewhere to camp-now!." Fiona yelled.
This made Shrek, Jason, and Donkey stop dead. Looking at each other in fear as the three have no idea what would Fiona do to them if they said no. It is wise for them to do what she says as they do not want to know what a locked up princess would do in the wild. And so, they managed to find a nearby large cliff hillside and went their way there. From there they had found a perfectly roomy cave after Shrek and Jason removed the large boulder.
"It looks kinda damp." Jason looked at the inside of the cave.
"Well, this will have to do since the sun is coming down quicker by the second." Shrek turned to see a pacing Fiona. "Hey, Fiona!. Over here!."
"Shrek, Jason, now we can do way better than that. I do not think that this is fitting for a princess." Donkey argued.
Fiona can see the sun running down on her. She quickly turned and made her way to the three with a fake cheery tone. "No, no, boys, it is perfect. It just needs a few homey touches."
"Homey touches?. Like what?." asked Shrek.
"Exactly." spoke Jason.
Fiona pulled out a big door sized bark from a nearby tree. "A door. Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. Sweet dreams and see you boys in the morning."
Before going in she stopped to set the bark down and went to turn Jason around and into his backpack and take out two books. Jason is getting to stop her but she wrapped her arm around his throat. When getting the books, she then let him go and pushed him out of the way to lose his balance with her right foot. Just so she can make a break for it into the cave and close the entrance with the large bark.
"Hey, you did not even ask!." Jason spoke upset.
"Jason, can I borrow two of your books for the night?." Fiona starts to impersonate Jason. "Why sure Princess Fiona!. Anything for you!."
Jason shook his head. "Crazy ass ginger snob princess. I will be back with wood for the fire."
Shrek watched his son walk off to go get some wood before turning his attention back to Donkey.
"You want me to read one of those books as your bedtime story?. Cause I will if you want me to." Donkey suggested.
"I said good night pet!." Fiona spoke and got quiet.
Shrek signed as he started to move the boulder. "I should block this cave entrance. But I do not want her to suffocate and die on us."
Shrek left the boulder and went to go find food for them to eat for the night. The remaining day became night. The moon was out and full with no clouds in the sky to block the shining stars. All three lay down by the good fair warm fire to rest their full stomachs while looking up at the skies. They talked a bit but nothing too serious. Yet. Jason wanted to discuss his father in an attempt of comfort about his character.
"Hey, Dad?." Jason spoke with a little mumble in his voice.
"Huh?." Shrek looked at his son with confusion. "What is that Jason?."
Jason sat up and looked at his father with little confidence on this matter. "Dad, I have learned something about myself back at the Dragon's Keep."
"You do not say." Shrek sat up. "By all means, put it on the table."
Jason sighed. "Dad, I just found out that I am not just an ordinary moor."
Shrek raised his brow. Jason can see that he has to be a little bit in detail as to what he means by that. Donkey knows what Jason is trying to say as he witnessed in person when they encounter Dragon or what Jason named her Elizabeth.
"Dad it turns out that I am Dragon Whispering Moor." Jason confessed.
"A Dragon Whisper?." Sherk eyed his son. "You mean the ones that I read to you about when you were little?. As much as I have been in this world, I have never seen or talked to one. They live in the higher Northern, up in the higher mountains miles, and miles, and miles away from where we are much less away from Far Far Away. Now, what makes you think that one of them would leave their territory to come down to our low level is unbelievable."
"It is possible." Donkey pointed out.
"Exactly. Dad, you and I have never thought about who my blood father was or what kind of person my blood mother was." said Jason.
Shrek scratched his head at hearing all this. "I will tell you what, Jason. If you can somehow prove to me that you can talk and understand dragons, then approve the girl you will date or marry. No matter who they are. Deal?."
"Can not pass that offer up for the world." Jason got up to his feet. "Deal. I will be out getting some more firewood. I just hate it when the fire gets too low and loses its good heat."
"Do not get lost or get molested." called Donkey.
Jason laughed. "Like that would ever happen."
While Jason was going out to get some more firewood, Shrek and Donkey took the time to stargaze. They gaze up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations to Donkey. Which the poor animal can not comprehend.
Shrek pointed up at a constellation that was ogre based. "And, uh, that one, Donkey. That one's name is Throwback. He is the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields."
"Uh, huh." Donkey looked up at the night sky. "Hey, can you please tell me my future from these stars, Shrek?."
Shrek sighed. "The stars do not tell us the future, Donkey. They just only tell us stories. For instance, this ogre right there is named Bloodnut the Flatulent. I bet you know what he is famous for and do not get my start about his sister."
Shrek chuckled as he knew her story. Donkey looked at Shrek with no idea as to why the ogre gained the title of flatulence. Shrek sighed once again and saw that the dimwit animal did not comprehend yet again.
"You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?." Shrek pointed out a fun fact about life.
"Well, Shrek, I still say that these stars are nothing more than a bunch of shiny dots." Donkey pointed out.
"Forget it. Just forget it." Shrek looked back at the night sky.
Donkey did the same as the two looked at the sky. Both waiting for Jason to return with the firewood. Donkey yawned before pondering about their home. He looked at Shrek.
"Hey, Shrek, what are we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?." Donkey spoke.
Shrek looked at Donkey in confusion. "What do you mean?."
Donkey rolled his eyes with a smile. "You know, when we are done rescuing the princess and all that stuff. What are we going to do next?."
Shrek understood what Donkey was saying and needed to correct the animal. "We?. Donkey, there is no we. There is no our. There is just me and my son's swamp. And you are just with us because you are Jason's anniversary present. Nothing more, nothing less. After this is all said and done, the first thing we are gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around our land."
Donkey got up off the ground with a sad look on his face. He is not considered part of Shrek's little family. However, he can see that there is more to it. He approached Shrek.
"You cut me deep, Shrek. You truly cut me real deep just now. And on top of that, do you know what I think about all of what you just said Shrek?. You know what I honestly think?. I think that this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out." pointed out Donkey.
"Nah, you think?." Sherk flipped to the other side to avoid seeing Donkey.
Donkey came over to see Sherk on the other side. "What is going on with you?."
"Nothing." Shrek turned back to the other side.
Donkey went over to the side. "But it is something."
"Donkey drop it." Shrek warned.
But Donkey kept on pushing. As for Jason he had a good amount of lumber he chopped with his mini ax. He walked after seeing the fire light up ahead. He had his mind racing with what he is and stumbled across a cute double afro blonde white girl who is exactly his age and met her family. Who so happens to be three bears. Of course, Jason did not judge her life and ideal family since they are technically on the same boat. He told her they might as well consider themselves as kindred soulmates and both strange.
Yeah, Jason has to admit that the blond double afro white girl was taking an awful liking to him, let alone trying to coax him to give her his home address so she can come over and hang out with him. Let alone she literally stole his first kiss, saying that their first kiss is true love. Of course, Jason told her and her family that it is not how love works, much less what she said can not be proven. But she said otherwise. As a matter of fact, those four were on the run after stealing bags of jewelry from hijacking a large jewelry wagon cart. Jason was saving his first kiss with the girl that is his true love.
"There is no way that girl is Goldilocks or Goldi for short, in which she happily prefers me to call her." Jason talked to himself quietly.
Jason walked around a big stump and went over a fallen log and continued talking to himself. "She had the nerve to passionately kiss me right in my own lips. Twice. Now, I will not lie, she tasted good. I especially enjoyed when she moved her hands all around me. I'm a lady killer no doubt. What gets me is that they have a strong native British English accent. That, and she told me that this will not be the last time I will see her."
Jason stopped dead in his tracks and looked back for a few seconds and then looked back with an eyebrow raised. "Did I recall her swinging her big hips before getting on the back of her bear brother, just so she can show me that she is wanting me?. Man, I know how to get 'em. Now, I have two girls I like. One from Duloc and the one I met tonight. I can not lie, though. Goldi has a good pair of buns."
As Jason was closer to reach the camp he stopped and jumped in fear when hearing his father yell in anger.
"Everyone!. Okay?."
Jason took his time going to a nearby tree and hid from there and listened in on his Dad and Donkey's conversation.
"Oh, now we are finally getting somewhere." Donkey said gladly.
"Oh. For the love of Pete!." Shrek threw his hands up in the air and made his way to sit down on the edge of the cliff.
Donkey came over to Shrek and sat down beside him. Now he can dive into why Shrek acts the way he is. "I do not get it. What is your problem, Shrek?. What do you have against the whole world anyway, huh?."
Shrek looked at Donkey sadly. "Look, Donkey, I am not the one with the problem, okay?. It is the world that seems to have a problem with me for no accurate reason. People just take one look at me and they go, 'Aah!. Help!. Run!. It is a big, stupid, ugly, and disgusting ogre!'. They judge me before they even try to get to know me. That is why I am much better off alone."
Little did the two know that not only Jason is hearing all of this, but Fiona who had cracked herself a little hole to see and hear everything on what is going on. Donkey looked so sad at hearing the reason on why Shrek is way that he is and saw that this is the right moment of time to ask this question.
"Well, if that is so true then…how did you end up having Jason?." asked Donkey.
Shrek had a warm smile and leaned back. "He was given to me. By his birth mom. Believe it or not, Donkey, Jason's mom, has been snooping around in my swamp. Watching me in the shadows. I always had that feeling that I was being watched from time to time. That night when I heard knocking on my door and found my son in his little baby basket, he was happy. Happy to see me. Me. An Ogre. I read her letter and she trusted me to care for him. Jason is the only reason why I am still going. If anything happens to my son or anyone takes him away from me. I…I…I will never ever heal. No matter how many decades it will be since then."
Jason wiped some tears from his face as that got him good. As for Fiona, she felt super bad for Shrek and the way she treated the three. She closed her entrance and slept on it in what she could do for them and for Jason. The poor kid. Donkey nodded in full understanding as he placed his hoof on Shrek's back. Giving him a warm smile.
"You know what?. When we met, I did not think of you as just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. I saw you and Jason as kind people who protected me. Yeah, I am not a great animal to put up with, otherwise I would not be here. You guys are my family and I am very thankful." said Donkey.
Shrek looked at Donkey. He gave him a smile. "Thanks. It is good to talk about these things. Other than to Jason."
Jason smiled to see that the two were getting along and found common ground. "We are making progress. It is a start."
Jason went out of hiding and set logs down and put his mini ax back into his bag. Next, he sat down beside Donkey and the three star gazed.
"So, are there any Donkeys up there guys?." Donkey asked.
"Beats me." Jason leaned forward. "Dad?."
"Of course there is. Up there. There is, um, Gabby...the Small...and Annoying." said Shrek.
Donkey looked and saw it. "Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?. That is Gabby, right?."
Jason chuckled while rubbing the top of Donkey's head. "No, not really."
"Then what on earth is it then?." Donkey looked at the shiny object.
Shrek looked at Donkey with a smile. "That is a full moon, Donkey. A planet."
Meanwhile, between while, somewhere out of the forest and into the grassy fields. Goldilocks and the Three Bears Crime Family were enjoying the shiny light of the full moon. Goldi was smiling to herself as she had her feet kicking back and forth. Momma Bear can see her adopted daughter all happy and such, and it is not because of their jewel heist success.
"My, My, My, Goldi. You take one look at that boy and you are already falling head over heels for him. That is very bear of you." Momma Bear pointed out.
Goldi sat up while holding on to her large bag of jewelry and her Y-shaped staff. She had a pleasant smile on her face. "Of course, Momma, I do. All the boys that I encounter, this one makes my heart jump. And my very first kiss just put more passionate wood in my heart fire."
Baby Bear looked at his adopted sister with an eye roll. "I still agree with Jason. Having your first kiss and calling it true love is not how love works."
Goldi looked down at Baby with a brow raised. "You are just being protective because I found my soulmate. Heck, he even called us soulmates. That is a sign of a loving relationship to me."
"I have to admit, sweetheart. I like his smell. Very trustworthy. And very well educated too." Papa Bear said with a smile on his face.
Goldi smiled at her adopted bear father for approving her love choice. "Thank you, Papa."
"But love, what if he already has a girlfriend or is engaged to marry?." Momma Bear looked at her daughter worryingly.
Goldi dusted it off. "No. He does not. I smelled him real good, Momma, and he has no girlfriend and no ring on his finger after I tried to see what I could steal from him, to have a keepsake to remember him by. I am stealing him before any girl takes him. When I really want something so bad, I takes it with no sympathy to those who I hurt both physically and emotionally. Having him in my life, much less marrying him, will be jusssssttttt right."
Baby Bear chuckled. "Yeah, and what if there is a girl out there who already has her eyes for Jason and is not going to give him up without a fight?."
Goldi licked her fang teeth and made a click noise with the inside of her cheek, before looking at her pretty sharp nails. "Then me and her are going to have a bloody catfight. And I am most definitely going to claw that bitch's eyes out."
"You may be human, but you have the characteristics qualities of a female bear. Mommy's proud." Momma Bear spoke happily.
"That is my little girl." Papa Bear said feeling proud.
"I will pay to see that." commented Baby Bear.
Goldi lays down and sees the stars shining with a big smile on her face with her mind thinking only about Jason. "He is jusssssttttt right."
(A/N): Yeah, I just have to have two girls fighting over Jason. Seeing Goldi and her family from Puss In Boots 2 just grows on me. I was planning on introducing them in the third installment. But this is very setting. Happy Memorial Day. Excelsior!.