Notes from the Mooooon

So I did in fact disappear for what like 6 months? I've been busy since march. Moving onto a new stage of my life, and working on some special projects that are unfortunately very important to me forced me to put fanfiction on the back burner since I last posted. I plan to update but a lot more infrequently than I did before.

I'd also like to say one thing: Please do NOT spam the review section to check up on me. That isn't going to make me post faster. I appreciate reviews but keep it to the story.

Samey felt guilty. Really guilty. Just another feeling to compound and stack atop her already sunken heart. Samey sighed, and bit her lip as she looked at the text's she sent Cody. None of this was his fault. She knew this. Samey shook her head, knowing this was the best outcome. Samey knew these feelings would pass. After all, she couldn't point to any one aspect of Cody she found attractive. Rather, there was something comforting about being around him.

Don't worry someone he'll find someone else. That identical voice hissed. Or maybe not. He was settling for you after all. Just like you were settling for him. Samey didn't debate the voice. Whether it was right or wrong didn't matter. Fighting it didn't make it disappear, nor would the voice relent. It just made the voice louder. But hey, it's not too bad after all. Use people all you like. The voice bounced around in her head like it was in the room with her. Samey forced herself to focus on the textbook in front of her. Ignore the voice. She took a deep breath, letting the air rest and fall into a pit at the bottom of her stomach, and then released the air slowly. The voice in her head quieted. Then came a knock on her door, rapping three times against the thin wood.

"Come in!" Samey turned around as the door opened quietly. It was always amusing watching Jasmine hunch her back to walk through the door. Sometimes it felt like she came from a fantasy race of giants, and of course Samey and Bridgette joked about this in front of her; usually right before they needed the aussie to fetch something from the top shelves.

"Have you left your room today?" Jasmine cringed as she walked in, curling her nose.

"I went to the bathroom?"

"That doesn't count." Jasmine looked down at Samey and placed her hands on her hips. "Get changed and- ack- take a shower! I'm taking you out of this damn room!" She ordered before scampering out of the room, falling to the ground and gasping desperately for air untainted by BO. Sammy looked down at herself. She was wearing a ratty, oversized teeshirt and grey sweatpants, the same thing she'd slept in the previous night. She also had skipped her classes that day. Oops.

Perhaps I do need a shower.

Minutes later, Samey stood in the shower, scalding water hitting her face. Hot water had a strange effect where she could focus on nothing but the sensation of it burning at her skin. On days like these, that was a welcome feeling. There was nowhere for her mind to drift, no voices for it to emulate. The chills would disappear. She stepped out of the shower a few minutes later, not wanting to leave Jasmine waiting. A simple red sweatshirt and jeans would suffice tonight. Whether or not it looked good didn't really matter. She didn't feel confident, nor would a cute outfit do anything to help that.

When Samey stepped into the evening air, a chill hit her cheeks. It invigorated her after a full day spent in the confines of her dull, sterile room.

"Cold air is always better than just wasting away in your room idiot." Jasmine gave her a light slap on the shoulder. "Let's go grab some burgers." The taller girl led the way, completely unbothered by the cold night. The walk was quiet, but Samey was grateful for the company regardless. It made the world around her feel less empty and hostile.

They stopped at a burger place that Samey wouldn't classify as good, but rather just enough of a step above normal fast food to where a college student could say they'd had a proper dinner. After hiding away in her room the last day, it tasted like a five-star meal.

"Do you want to talk about it, mate?" Jasmine asked, between messy bites of her double cheeseburger.

"It's her again."

Jasmine paused, pursing her lips as if the words were there, but scrambled around. "I thought it might be something like that." She put her burger down onto the tin foil wrapper, and looked down at Samey. Despite being so tall and intimidating, Jasmine had very warm eyes. Bridgette did too, but it was more expected for a girl like her; part of a very pretty package.

"It started around parent's weekend. They were pestering me to apologize to them and Amy and-"

"You better not have." Jasmine gave Samey a pointed look. The latter shook her head.

"Of course, I didn't but it's…" Her voice trailed off. "They make me feel like I'm being unreasonable. Like I'm the one doing something wrong."

"And I've told you it's all bullshit. They are all a bunch of cunts."

A giggle erupted from Samey's lips. "Yeah, I guess so." She took a sip of her milkshake. "Normally it wouldn't bother me so bad but I feel so much more… off right now. Volatile, like at any moment I could explode. Usually, I just feel upset and isolate but this time it just feels like there's so much going on inside my head."

"Which is exactly why you shouldn't be isolating idiot. Depression isn't COVID. I'm not going to catch it because you tell me what you are feeling."

"I know, I know." Samey caught herself shrinking into her chair and sat back up. A field of obvious answers laid just in front of her. Bright dandelions blooming right in front of them. Flowers that would wilt before too long. Her mind moved, and her lips along with it. "I'll have to talk to him before long won't I-" Too late. Samey pursed her mouth, her eyes drifting up meekly.

Jasmine caught the murmur, and smirked. "What's that about a him? Hmmmmmm?" She arched an eyebrow, leaning over the table. Even when hunched forward like this, Jasmine still towered over her. She casted a fall shadow over the table, the food, and Samey.

"Oh, it's nothing!"

"Then why are you blushing?"

Samey touched her finger tips to her cheeks. They burned, like she'd suddenly come down with a fever. She shrunk back into the booth again. "It's really nothing!" Samey raised her hands in front of her face. If the eyes were windows to the soul, hers were unlocked and left open in an unsafe neighborhood. She was screwed. She'd only known Jasmine for a year and some weeks, but there was one thing she knew about her roommate for certain; her relentlessness. If something was wrong with someone Jasmine cared about, she wouldn't stop until she knew what was going on and have a way to help. She was an overwhelming force, both physically and emotionally. A less relentless friend might have missed the signs, might have dismissed what they saw. But Jasmine didn't. It was overwhelming. Completely so. Yet it never felt so bad. Perhaps it was only so staggering since no one had ever gone to such lengths for her before.

In fact, Samey had to admit that she liked having someone care so much. Though it was still a bit much for her.

"Fine, I'll back off it for now. But you're absolutely telling me all about 'him' later!" Jasmine sat back in her seat, and the shadow cast over the table receded, Samey put her hands down, and sighed. She'd lost this exchange for sure. The mercy offered by Jasmine was temporary. For better or for worse, she was good at getting her way.

Cody wasn't quite sure to react to the text he'd received. Leave me alone. It was such a clear message, with no room for confusion or misinterpretation. Yet it left him with so many questions. Some were as simple as 'Why'? Others were less comfortable. Was he truly that annoying? Was there something about him that was that repulsive, that vile, that it drove woman away?

The rest of the lecture was a blur. He couldn't remember a single thing the professor had said the entire time. His notes cut off abruptly. Not that he cared much. The walk back wasn't that memorable either. His legs moved on autopilot; his eyes trained on the cracks in the concrete in front of him. His trancelike walk ended as he stepped into his apartment.

"How did class go?" Noah asked.

"Eh" Cody grunted, brushing off the question. Wasn't a good answer, but this one would probably keep Noah off his back for a bit. Maybe. His stomach dragged him to the fridge. He wasn't hungry, but he pulled out some of last nights dinner. Grabbing a fork, he brought the food to his room before Noah could ask another question. The food was tasteless, bland, and cold; but Cody didn't quite care at that moment. He put the empty Tupperware on his desk, and laid face down into his pillow. Sleep would be a nice escape, at least momentarily. Cody mused about the ability to sleep forever. He thought how nice it would be right about now.

Why am I so upset? I should be used to this. He mused over this thought. He'd only known Sammy for a short time. Yet this rejection stung. No, it burned. He could brush off other ones, play the fool and pretend everything was cool. For the most part, usually rejection barely fazed him. Perhaps it was coming so close to success. He remembered how delicate and smooth her hand was and how she smelled like strawberries when she was nestled up against him. It was the first time a woman had ever gotten so close to him. At least willingly. There had been that disastrous three-legged race with Megan in eighth grade.

Cody flopped on his back; his eyes trained on the ceiling fan. It whirred around and around and around. Endlessly chasing itself. He kept watching it, but his body didn't feel tired. No matter how much he wanted to sleep, it wouldn't come to him. It was a particularly early point of the evening. He gave up and trudged out of the room, dragging his feet behind him with each step. Plopped down on the sofa next to Noah, he turned the TV on. Cody noticed Harold wasn't around. Maybe he was flirting with LeShawna again. Cody couldn't help but find Harold to be an idiot. The two clearly had something why not just make it official? Why take it for granted?

Lucky bastard.

He pushed his thoughts aside as he picked up the Switch controller. He chose a game at random. Didn't matter what he played; it was all just a distraction right about now. Neither Noah or himself spoke a word as the TV's speakers filled the room.

"Your aim is slipping." Noah said, finally having pulled his nose out of his book. "You never miss that shot."

"I guess I do today."
"Which means something is clearly wrong with you." Once again, Noah had chosen to wield his words like a rapier, stabbing between solid plates of armor. He knew just how to dig under your skin and nick the open wound.

"Piss off dude." Cody narrowed his eyes at the TV as he died again. Noah raised an eyebrow, but nestled back into his book. The game wasn't particularly hard, but today it was like walking through a meat grinder. Rather, it made him more upset as even his greatest escape trapped him. Then the TV turned off.

"Let's get out of here." Noah got up off the couch, closing his book and tossing it to the side. He grabbed his coat off the back of a chair, and glared at Cody. "Come on, off the couch."

Cody side eyed Noah, but got up to his feet, grabbing his jacket from the coat rack. "You of all people want to go on a walk?"

"What can I say, I'm a free soul."

"Alright. Whatever you say." Cody pushed himself up to his feet and grabbed his coat, lazily pushing his arm through the sleeve before walking out the door. As they entered the elevator, silence followed. It filled the empty space, choking all the words out of Cody's throat. His eyes cheated over to Noah, taking a good look at the stoic. The elevator beeped, and the door opened. The two walked out of the complex and into the cool air, and the thick silence followed them. The wind nipped at his ears. The two didn't walk anywhere, simply standing on the sidewalk, watching the occasional car pass in front of them. At least, Noah was.

"You can stop giving me the stink eye now." Noah said, only shooting Cody a quick glance before turning back to the road. "Or not. I'm used to it."

Cody stuffed his hands in his coat pockets, focusing on the ground in front of him. There was a clear difference between them. Like so many others around him, Noah was so far ahead of him. Perhaps not academically, but in life. Like they'd found some hidden wisdom that opened their eyes to the real world around them. "What makes you so much better?"

"Where did that come from?"

Cody's fingernails dug into his palms. The skin was soft and supple. Not like a man's, but rather a child's. "You and Harold and… everyone. You all just…" He paused. "You all act they way you guys are, or you put on a façade, and- and it all just turns out all fine! But when I try and be cool I get rejected. When I try to be myself, I get rejected!" Cody finally turned his head to Noah, looking at him directly. The bookworm said nothing. "So why does it work out for you and not for me?!" His voice rasped as it escaped his lips; tired and hoarse.

"I can name multiple people who haven't rejected you or your 'façade'." Noah said bluntly.

"Name one."

"I'll do you one more and name two." Noah's eyebrows twitched as his face curled inwards. "Harold and I."

"That doesn't count-"

"Oh, it doesn't it count? Why then, doesn't it count?" Noah's voice was harsh. Cody flinched, biting his lip. "Is it because we don't have boobs and vaginas? Is that the only criteria for a relationship that matters with you? Is having a bunch of friends who care about you not meaningful?"

"Of course it matters. But even so I want to have a romantic relationship like you all get to have!"

"Why?"

"Because I-" Cody paused. "I want to know what it's even like. I want to kiss someone. I want to have someone to look at me with those soft, sweet eyes you see when couples cuddle in movies!" His voice strained, barely croaking as his breaths became shallow and infrequent. There were so many small things he wanted to experience, so many images swirling in his head. His vision became blurry. "But most of all, I want to stop feeling like a kid who's not even gone on a date!"

"As far as for reasons, most of them are pretty good." Noah conceded. "But you don't need romance to be a complete person. Even if I wasn't in a relationship with Emma, I would still be me." Cody found Noah's words weirdly poetic. Despite Noah's frustration, his words were still very deliberate.

"Wouldn't you be lonelier without her?" Cody's brow relaxed, and his lips flattened.

"I'd have more free time." Noah shrugged. Cody couldn't help but chuckle.

"I guess I just hate this feeling of being seen as lesser." Cody rasped. His eyes cleared, and long tears fell against his face. He looked up at the sky. The light pollution hid the stars, leaving behind an orange haze. "All the people who are cool always have women around them, or have an easy time getting into relationships you know."

"Look at Gwen and Trent. They looked so happy but underneath everything the relationship hurt both in some way." Noah said. His words spoke a harsh truth, yet they carried an uncharacteristic softness to them. "Appearances aren't everything. To some we may look like dweebs but there are people who would do anything for all the friend's you've made." Cody didn't respond immediately. Would anyone really want to trade for his life? Was it really so complete even now? A pang of guilt ran through him.

"I'm sorry Noah."

"I've had far worse slung at me by my family." Noah tipped his head to the side. "You were upset."

"Yeah but I still feel like an ass."

"It's really not a big deal. You just needed to vent. Happens." He shrugged. The temperature continued to fall, and the bookworm's breath had become visible. "Let's head back in before it gets too cold." Cody nodded, following Noah back into the complex.