A/N: AU in which Sarah was removed from the Intersect operation just after Cole Barker left them. The story starts three years later.

This is not a long story, just three chapters. It's not all sad, I promise.

Beta-free, so if you feel anything needs correcting, please drop me a PM.

Just a Memory?

Chapter 1

Now I'm crying my eyes out.
God, I miss you so much

I can see your face in front of me
It is just a memory I'm keeping in my heart
Oh, and goodbyes never work out easily
Now you are a memory, I'm letting go a part of my heart

"Just a Memory"
Cosby

She sat on the beach, in her usual spot, not far from her house that had never felt like a home, even after two years of living here. She just looked out at the Atlantic Ocean, willing herself to be content with her life. It didn't work, of course, it never did, but she hoped that one day it would.

It was ironic that this had once been her dream, until…

She stopped herself from following that train of thought. Nothing good would come of that. It had ended before it could even start.

No one from her past knew where she was. That was the positive thing to think about. The ghost had disappeared. That wasn't what they'd called her, but what she preferred to see herself as back then.

Someone had dared to think of her differently and her mistake had been to start to think it too, which had been her downfall.

She sighed. Even when she tried not to, her thoughts returned to him, the man who'd captured her heart. She'd resisted him, but to no avail. She still didn't really know what General Beckman had seen that made her decide that she was too compromised to stay. There had been no interaction, not even a 49B. She'd just been sent away without even being able to say goodbye.

She had initially wondered if it was her last conversation with Chuck in the courtyard after Cole Barker had left. He'd told her that even for his protection, he couldn't move in with her because he was crazy about her and that would be too much. She'd been devastated, and maybe the surveillance had captured that. However, she'd decided the action taken seemed too soon after that. It was more likely to be her last conversation with Cole in Castle. That probably would have been recorded. He'd asked her to leave with him and she'd refused. She'd said that she wasn't the kind of girl who cheated on her cover boyfriend. Cole had challenged whether it was just a cover and said that he'd seen the way she looked at Chuck when his life was in danger. She hadn't challenged that and made it worse when he commented that he'd lost the girl to Chuck. She should've denied it, but instead repeated a line he'd made to her earlier: 'When you meet somebody you care about, it's just hard to walk away.'

She was convinced that that must be the trigger for Beckman's actions. Later that night, armed men had taken her from her hotel room, in handcuffs, for god's sake!

She had no idea what had happened to Chuck after that. She wasn't allowed to contact him under threat of him being bunkered, the very thing she'd kept him from the previous year. Being sent on assignment after assignment in various Asian nations would've made it difficult, anyway.

When her time to leave the CIA arrived, she couldn't face going back to Burbank. Whatever she found there wouldn't bring her anything but misery. He could be dead without her to protect him. She shuddered at the thought. Even if that wasn't the case, he could be long gone, either in a bunker or with someone far better than her.

So, she retired and effectively vanished off of the face of the earth, or at least from any eyes that would remember her.

Coming to this island had been just part of a previous solo mission, but her second time here had now lasted two years.

Edina, the woman she'd saved on that first visit, over seven years ago, had no family after outlasting her husband. When she died unexpectedly, it turned out that she bequeathed her property and belongings to Sarah. It was fortunate that Sarah had told Edina her actual name. Terrible though that was for the woman, it was perfect timing for Sarah who was leaving the Company. It was almost as if it was ordained, or something like that. Apart from upkeep of the house, Sarah's considerable savings, after years of spending nothing, were just consumed by amenities, food and drink. Oh, and materials for her hobby.

She'd taken up painting shortly after arriving when one sunset captured her attention. When asked about them, she'd shown a few, and even sold a couple.

She was as content here as she possibly could be, with that gaping hole in her heart.

She still didn't know how Chuck had managed to make her fall in love with him, but she did. The unassuming, and rather self-deprecating, man had wormed his way into her heart and never left, even though she'd not seen him for three years. At least, not physically. She saw him every night in her dreams and when she looked at their picture together.

Just thinking about that meant she knew she'd look at it again later in the day. It was a painting she'd never shown anyone, mainly because the questions asked would be too painful to answer. She kept it covered as well as hidden from view, just in case someone asked to visit her studio, but late some nights she'd bring it out. The joy she got from looking at his face was greater than the pain it brought. Did love and loss do that for everyone?

Sitting out here, looking at the waves rolling in, she just felt melancholic.

They had their spot on a beach in California. She could still remember the first time she watched him on it, before it became theirs. She wondered if he still went there. Assuming he still could, of course. And what would his thoughts be as he sat there?

Would he still miss her? Or would she just be a sad memory? He may not still remember her, or worse, after her abrupt departure, he may hate her.

Whatever, she hoped that he'd found someone to love, who openly loved him, and that he was happy. He deserved it, deserved someone better than her, but it still brought tears to her eyes to think that.

He'd taught her to cry. Not deliberately, but he had. Even now, most nights she cried herself to sleep and often woke and continued. The years that had passed hadn't changed that. She still missed him terribly.

She dropped her face into her hands, hating the tears that sprang up once again.

She repeatedly told herself to stop this self-pity. She was alive, unlike many who joined the Company with her. She should feel grateful for that. On top of that, she had a place to live, and lived comfortably. She was just being selfish, wishing for even more. Sarah knew all that, but it didn't help.

She wiped her eyes and stood up. She'd take her easel , a fresh canvas and materials, and then head inland. Springtime was perfect for her art and the result would lighten her mood… a bit.

Three -and-a-half years of servitude, and only the first year-and-a-half bringing any form of pleasure. He should feel bitter, but that just wasn't how he was built. Sad, upset, and often sorry for himself, but not bitter, especially not now.

He was very upset when Sarah Walker disappeared from his life. She just vanished without a word. He initially thought that him refusing to move in with her caused her to follow Cole Barker. She'd wanted to tell him something but, as usual, he didn't give her a chance. Was that it? Or would she have stayed if he'd moved in with her?

Her silent departure had hurt, especially with his self-recrimination, and he couldn't function for a while. He felt abandoned… again. He remembered his mom leaving, thinking that was his fault, too.

Amazingly, his other handler took pity on him before a replacement arrived. "She didn't want to leave," Casey said. "Beckman saw that she was compromised and sent her packing. She wasn't allowed to say goodbye to either of us."

Chuck had to get him to explain the term 'compromised,' but when Casey did, he realized that he had probably caused all of this to go wrong. Constantly badgering her until she must've slipped up somehow. Even knowing that she hadn't left with Cole Barker was shadowed by that guilt.

Casey was clearly disgusted with what had happened, but could do nothing about it. He even moaned to Chuck about the loss of the best partner he'd ever had.

It changed Chuck's mind on the Intersect. He no longer wanted it removed. It could help find where Sarah had been sent. Unfortunately, what he eventually found was that she'd been sent to the other side of the world, on new CIA missions. He'd probably never see her again, but he'd now decided to make her proud, to make a difference.

When Sarah's replacement arrived, Alex Forrest, Chuck just accepted whatever she told him to do. He never went out of his way for her, but she never expected that. They took on Fulcrum and then its parent organization, The Ring, but eventually won.

His father turned up and confessed to his son that he was Orion, the co-creator of the original Intersect that Chuck had wanted to find before Sarah had left. As Orion, he eventually managed to get the damn thing out of Chuck's head.

Beckman and Forrest were not amused, although the latter was pleased when told she could leave.

Casey stayed with him, ostensibly to make sure no one came after him, but Chuck knew it was to make sure that he didn't still have the Intersect.

Chuck still worked at the Buy More, but that was on auto-pilot. Other than that, Chuck focused on finding the elusive Sarah Walker. He knew she hadn't been killed, just disappeared after resigning.

Even with his Piranha skills, it had taken him nearly a year to locate her, she was that good at disappearing. After the first six months, Casey left him. Chuck remembered that departure with some sadness. The gruff NSA agent seemed much more human as he stood up after talking to him for a while about their achievements.

The squeeze on his shoulder was quite a surprise, with the associated words from Casey almost bringing Chuck to tears. "She's out there somewhere, Chuck. Good luck finding her."

And now he had, and was on the last leg of his journey to her.

All his usual self-doubts were welling up. Was he just a memory for her, a blip in her career? Would she still remember him at all? Had she managed to purge thoughts of him from her head? Would she have found someone better? Would his arrival upset her life?

He certainly didn't want to cause her pain, but he had to see her, even if it was for one last time to say the goodbye that they'd never managed.

He pulled their photo out of his pocket and unfolded it to gaze at the woman who had filled his thoughts ever since she'd appeared before him in the Buy More with a faulty phone. It was the one taken at Roan's place, a real one, unlike the others that the CIA had created for them. It reflected his love for her perfectly, and her looks appeared to reflect that.

Soon, Sarah, soon.

She was back from her therapeutic trip inland. The painting sat on her easel, as it would until completely dry. It hadn't been easy carrying it back, but it was worth it.

She knew she could just take her camera and capture the images she wanted, bringing them back to paint in the comfort of her art studio. She did that sometimes, but it wasn't the same.

She'd had a shower on her arrival and felt clean once again.

Now she was pottering about in her kitchen, trying to decide what to make for her final meal of the day. She no longer enjoyed food as she had back in those heady days in LA. It wasn't just that she missed the excellent cooking of his sister, or the restaurants in the city, there was just no pleasure in eating anymore. It was just a necessary act, the same as sleeping.

A month after arriving on the island, and feeling more and more alone, she'd thought of giving up on food altogether. Maybe drinking herself to an alcoholic demise. Who would even care anymore? The only man who had ever cared about her was still off-limits. She hadn't gone through with it, but that thought did still come back to play on her mind when the depression built up enough. Not today, though. Today she was fighting that depression.

She opened her refrigerator and pulled out a large tomato, a cucumber and lettuce. A salad would be it.

As she started cutting the washed cucumber, she remembered Chuck watching her chopping. The awe on his face had made her smile back then, and the memory did now, too. Even the little things like that had made her happy to be with him.

A tapping on her door stopped all that. She very rarely had visitors. She normally only met people in the town, and that was infrequent. She doubted it was anyone from her past. Not after all these years.

She put down her knife, quickly wiped her hands and went through to the doorway.

When she opened the door and saw who was there, it was too much for her fragile mind to handle. She fainted on the spot, not realizing that he caught her as she fell.

A/N: I'd already chosen the title and wondered if I could find lyrics from a song to fit. Not all of the Crosby ones did, but a lot hit the mark, as well as the song title. Some of the words in Linkin Park's fantastic recent "The Emptiness Machine" would also fit, but I'm saving that for my next one-shot.

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