AN: I'm including a recap in the beginning of this chapter since I've been away from this story for a while, and need it probably as much as most of you. Do not expect very speedy updates because my work tasks are keeping me busy at this end, but I simply felt like returning to the state of mind this story is in. Realistic, a little hurt but at the same time hopeful in the long term.

RECAP: Rory is back in Stars Hollow working for the gazette, pregnant with Logan's child, living in a small rental apartment in town. Logan is aware of the pregnancy and so is the town. Logan, however, got married before the news reached him - not that it would've made a difference in their current state of mind. The paternity is kept a secret from most people (Lane, Paris and Lorelai know from Rory's end). Logan took the news as neutrally as he could, while feeling a myriad of things. He did show up on Rory's doorstep to talk and offered his help. He wants contact, while still not quite knowing how it is going to work. He aimed to tell Odette, but Odette just happens to be pregnant too, making things a lot more complicated - so he's not sure he can be in their lives the way that he wants to be after all. He does shower Rory with useful gifts in the meanwhile, but it is not what Rory truly needs from him.

At the same time Rory is feeling like she has to hurry up to get her life together before the baby comes along - even the carnival psychic assured her she would find herself a man. With this newfound courage she stumbles upon many of the former men in her life, making her wonder 'what if?'. Jess offered her a job as his editor but has something new in his life already (plus now is facing the death of his mother and TJ, and moving back to SH to take care of Doula), Tristan, while fun to catch up with, has already one divorce and kids behind him, and Tucker, a brief acquaintance from Yale she'd had a little crush on at the time and has now been taking small steps towards seeing. The last chapter ended with Rory spending the first night with Tucker (just sleeping) and Rory getting a drunken phone call from Logan, sounding all depressed and angry for the way things were.

Chapter 18

Rory woke back in bed. An unfamiliar bed, unmistakably belonging to a hotel not her own, but still warm, surrounded in nice bedding and in theory perfectly comfortable. But instead of feeling rested and relieved she could mostly sense the dryness of her lips and the burning puffiness of her eyes, along with a hint of saltiness on her skin. She'd tried not to cry much last night, least of all in bed together with Tucker, who still slept soundly on the other side of the bed, dressed in a t-shirt and pajama bottoms, his hair messy in a cute way. But still - the whirlwind of emotions last night - feeling both worry and anger towards Logan for having made her feel awful about the way things were - none of which she could help, hadn't allowed her to keep her emotions entirely in check. But it was no news that Logan wasn't perfect and that when he was upset, he sometimes said things he didn't fully mean. It was another example of how underneath all the glitz and glamor his life really was just a facade, and despite showing how fine he was most of the time, he really wasn't happy with the way things had turned out to be. Rory felt sorry for him, but also simply felt for him, hoping he'd get past the way things were one way or another.

Knowing there was nothing she could do beyond forgiving him for his phone call the next time they were in touch, Rory made her way to the bathroom as quietly as she could, not wanting to wake Tucker. After washing her face with cold water, and feeling like her eyes were returning to their normal state, she looked at herself in the mirror, telling herself not to let Logan's phone call derail her more than it had. She couldn't fix everything that was wrong with Logan's life. She couldn't fix them or undo every mistake that either of them had made along the way. She didn't want to be the kind of mother who cried after a long lost love, a situation that was unfixable, but rather one that tried to make the best out of a bad situation and move on. She wanted to be a mother who was happy, finding joy in her life, in whatever form it came in. It was for this reason, Rory continued to grab a quick shower, moisturize her body and add a dash of perfume behind her ears. A small swab of lip gloss later she was ready to return, dressed in just her underwear and a fresh robe, eager to explore whether the morning would present some new opportunities for moving forward instead of her other options.

"Good morning," Tucker exhaled, letting out a relaxed yawn. At least spending the night together had given them that - making them just a little bit more relaxed around each-other.

"Hey," Rory said, pattering in an intentionally cute way back into bed. She didn't know why she did it - it was almost as if she was channeling some 1960s housewife who'd just put on makeup before joining her husband in bed in the morning. This really wasn't her normal self.

"You sleep alright?" Tucker inquired, causing Rory to wonder whether he'd noticed her phone call or the aftermath of it.

"Could've slept a little better, I guess. I'm a sucker for my own bed these days," Rory said, not bothering to mention at this time that the pregnancy pillow Paris had sent her had a lot to do with her love for her own bed. She didn't want to start this out by being the whiny pregnant girl, despite her little aches and troubles that she was learning to live with.

"That's too bad… I slept like a baby," Tucker said, brushing her hair gently and pushing a strand back behind her ear.

Rory knew this was her cue.

Forcing things slightly, she pushed out her jaw and met his lips, wanting to show how she too wanted to give this a go. The fact that she wanted this mostly because she wanted to move forward, despite her current state, was the thing she preferred to keep to herself though.

The kiss really wasn't bad... There was definitely some tingle in the pit of her stomach, his touch against her arm soft and gentle, even if perhaps more hesitant than she would've liked. But either way it was awakening a part of her that had remained dormant for months.

Rory's breathing quickened as the kiss gained some more momentum, and she opted to make the message crystal clear for Tucker by pulling the belt of her robe loose, exposing her bump. This was a big step for her, and for that reason alone, the rest being too unprocessed to be registered just yet, she was pushing herself to want to do this.

Rory could feel Tucker smile through their kiss, and that helped Rory relax a little - it felt good to be wanted like this.

Then his fingers touched the skin on her bump, aiming to reach for her bare side. The oddness of the sensation, having not grown used to anyone touching her like that, like a lover would, not like a doctor or friend, caused her to become distracted for a minute, which she hated, not wanting to be this easily distracted right now.

Unexpectedly though, there was a movement of another sort. A kick. A strong one.

"Auch," Rory reacted, more so from the surprise of it than actual pain.

"You okay?" Tucker asked, removing his hand.

"I just got kicked," Rory replied, laying her hand on top of the spot in question.

"For real?" he reflected.

"Yeah, here," Rory said, pulling his palm back to the spot.

"Oh, wow. That's so…," Tucker said, sounding astonished.

"It's just the first time I've actually felt her like this…," Rory explain. Sure, there had been flutters, and some movements that had felt like there was a fish turning around in her belly - but nothing as concrete as this. It felt as if the baby was actually stretching herself or practicing her soccer skills.

Rory could already sense as this was distracting Tucker as well, and she could feel him pull away, both physically and mentally.

"This doesn't mean we have to stop," Rory said, reaching for his hand again.

"It's fine, we don't…," Tucker began to explain, struggling to put his feelings into words.

Rory's mouth opened, wanting to say something more to convince her, but the words just would come and her mouth closed just the same.

"Listen, maybe we should just go grab some breakfast," Tucker began, turning the mood from lukewarm to mild.

Rory felt disappointed and a little guilty, but there didn't seem much she could do to help this right now.

Tucker got up and made his way to the bathroom, leaving Rory sighing as she watched him leave.

The mood really turned from mild to freezing however, as Rory was already dressed and Tucker emerged from the bathroom.

"Listen, I think we need to talk," Tucker began.

"Yeah?" Rory replied, at first expectantly, but by the end of the world cautiously.

"I don't think I can do this," Tucker said, apologetically.

Rory couldn't get a word out.

"And I mean it when I say this. You're amazing. Cute, funny, intelligent and I'd like to see where this goes. But I'm sorry, maybe this makes me shallow or too much of a coward, but I don't think I can do this. The baby - it's just too much. Maybe I'm just not ready," he explained.

"You knew I was pregnant when we first..," Rory began, only then realizing there really wasn't much point to begin an argument on whether this made sense or not.

"Yeah, and I'm sorry. It just didn't hit me until just now," Tucker replied.

The hurt from his words wasn't soul crushing. It wasn't like she hadn't been through worse. There had been plenty of breakups in her life, after all. But this one felt like a failure, it felt like the first of many to come, even if she was only speculating at this point. When some of her former breakups had made her feel like a horrible person, mostly rightfully so, this one genuinely made her feel like she'd ruined her chances at ever finding someone to want to touch her again. Rational or not, it was how she felt.