This was originally posted as chapter 30 of the "Short & Sweet" series and takes place during "Poisoned Motive" (season 14, episode 22) when the team finds out that Amanda has picked up an infection in the hospital after being shot. Frannie doesn't exist here. I wanted Liv to visit Amanda on her own, without the rest of the squad.
"Short & Sweet" was a series of standalone one-shots (for the most part, anyway; occasionally a storyline would run for a few chapters).
I decided to post another couple of short chapters today, but I'm going to slow down a lot from now on. Thanks for reading.
As Olivia strides briskly down the corridor on the way to Amanda's room, she notices that the hospital is quieter than the last time she was here, the buzz of activity a little more slower-paced now. The hallways are still bustling with doctors and nurses and visitors who are coming and going from patients' rooms, but the level of insanity is not quite as high at this time in the evening, as those who are sick and injured are beginning to settle down for the night.
It is just past 8pm and Olivia had hurried right over from the precinct as soon as her shift had ended, exhausted from working extended hours since Amanda had been shot, but not even considering going home to rest or get a good night's sleep before stopping by. As she approaches the closed door to Amanda's room and flashes her badge at the police officer standing guard outside, Olivia realizes that she hadn't even thought to inform the younger woman that she was coming and hopes her presence will be welcome.
Ever since Cragen had told the team earlier in the day that Amanda had come down with an infection while recovering from the gunshot wound to her shoulder, Olivia's worry for her colleague had spiked to alarm and she had made the decision to check up on her on the way home. The case is a disjointed mess at the moment, the shooter still at large as the squad struggles to put all the pieces of the puzzle together, and Olivia's head is spinning with fatigue and stress as she knocks lightly on the door before carefully easing it open.
"Hey," she says softly, a tentative smile spreading across her face when Amanda's head swivels slowly on the pillow and she is greeted with a pair of dull blue eyes gazing back at her, the other woman looking smaller than usual in the big hospital bed and swallowed up by the oversize gown she is wearing, an IV in one arm and a giant bandage on her shoulder, unwashed blonde hair hanging limply around her neck.
Amanda is still being given regular doses of narcotics for the pain, as well as a very strong course of antibiotics to get the infection under control, and the combination of medicine seems to be taking quite a toll on her. She gives Olivia a cross between a smile and a grimace in return, looking surprised to see her fellow detective, although not disconcerted, and Olivia takes this is a cue to shut the door behind her and step over to the bed.
"So Cragen tells me you're going to be stuck in here for a few more days," she murmurs sympathetically, her tone apologetic as she sits down on the chair next to Amanda's prone form. "I hope it's alright that I stopped by for a quick visit, but if you'd rather not have any company right now, I understand. I should have asked you first if it was okay to come here."
"You can stay, Liv." Amanda's voice is raspy when she speaks, like her throat is dry, and Olivia hands her the plastic cup of water that is sitting on the bedside table, receiving a nods of thanks in return.
Amanda takes a few sips before she begins coughing and sputtering, and Olivia quickly pulls the cup away from her and sets it aside, helping the younger woman sit up enough so that she can gently pat her on the back. Amanda winces and groans in response to the movement, still choking on the water, and slumps against Olivia for a moment as if she is too tired and in too much pain to stay upright for very long.
"Easy, honey, I've got you," Olivia soothes tenderly, a wave of protective concern washing over her at Amanda's vulnerability and distress, continuing to pat her back until her colleague stops coughing.
She is surprised to a feel small hand sliding around her waist and gripping weakly onto the side of her shirt, looking closely at Amanda's pale, sweaty face as she helps her lean back on the pillows. "Are you doing okay?" Olivia asks worriedly, never having known Amanda to be the clingy type and pretty sure that they haven't even shared so much as a hug since the other woman had joined their squad almost two years prior.
She figures the intense pain and strong medications are contributing to Amanda's need for physical contact right now, and runs a gentle palm over her matted blonde locks in an effort to provide some comfort. The drugged-up confidence and bravado from earlier, when Amanda had assured them that she could handle everything that was happening, seems to have disappeared and has left a weary shell of the woman in its wake.
"I'm fine," Amanda whispers unconvincingly as that tenacity makes a brief return, Olivia shaking her head and trying to suppress the urge to roll her eyes in response.
"You're not fine," she chastises lightly, scratching her fingernails delicately over Amanda's scalp. "You're absolutely miserable and it's okay, you're allowed to be. You've been through a lot."
"Give me an update on the case," the younger woman begs hoarsely, big blue eyes that are hazy with pain and medication looking up at Olivia imploringly. "Tell me what's going on. How's Fin doing?"
"Fin's doing okay," Olivia replies evenly, not at all eager to have this discussion and risk stressing Amanda out any more than she already is. "We're keeping an eye on him. And we're still working on some leads."
"That's it?" Amanda answers with a trace of a whine in her tone, her bottom lip protruding slightly and Olivia somewhat amused that her teammate is actually pouting. "That's all you're going to tell me?"
"Yup," she replies casually, determined not to go any deeper into the details of their convoluted case while Amanda is still in the hospital and seems to be moving backward in her recovery instead of going forward. "We're not talking about this right now. The only thing you need to concentrate on is getting better."
"I'd be getting better if I was allowed to work the case," Amanda grumbles in an annoyed tone, withering slightly when Olivia gives her a warning look. "Or if I was at least able totalkabout it a tiny bit."
"You just did," she says firmly, pulling her hand away from Amanda's hair and her heart clenching when she sees abject disappointment of the small blonde, taking a seat back in the chair beside her. "And now you're done."
"You're bossy," Amanda mumbles under her breath, Olivia's lip quirking up at the corner when she sees the glare that the other woman is gracing her with.
"And you're grumpy," she shoots back, her smile widening when Amanda's glare deepens along with the pout on her lips. "But again, it's okay. You're allowed to be grouchy while you're recovering."
"Yeah, and that's all I'm allowed to do," Amanda complains as she shifts in the bed and appears unable to find a comfortable position. "Just lay here and be miserable and grumpy."
"Well, you could also try having a positive attitude," Olivia suggests brightly, enjoying getting under Amanda's skin and joking around, trying to distract her from the pain and solitude she is feeling. "That might make you feel a bit better."
"Nope, I'd rather be miserable and grumpy," Amanda states with blunt irritation, but Olivia is gratified to see the hint of a smile pulling at her mouth.
"Suit yourself," she chuckles softly, patting the blankets where Amanda's legs are situated underneath and frowning when she hears the quiet grunt that the other woman lets out when she shifts on the bed again.
"Can't get comfortable, huh?" All of the mirth has leached from Olivia's tone now, leaving only compassion and sympathy as she watches Amanda shake her head and blink away what looks to be tears.
"The meds were helping with the pain when I first got here but now they don't seem to be doing much," the blonde detective explains gloomily, reaching up to swipe an arm across her eyes. "And the antibiotics are making me sick. They kept making me throw up earlier. I haven't been able to keep any food down. Not that it's such a tragedy, though," she adds with a snort of disgust and a wave of her hand. "The food here is nasty."
"Well, hospitals aren't exactly known for their gourmet cooking," Olivia observes wryly, giving Amanda's leg a caring squeeze. "I'm sorry you're going through all of this, honey. Do you want me to get you some soup from one of the restaurants across the road? Maybe you'll be able to keep that down. Something light and tasty to settle your stomach."
"No thanks, Liv, it's okay." Amanda's voice sounds hushed and strained when she answers, her expression crumpling slightly. "It's nice of you to offer, but even the thought of food makes me want to be sick again."
Olivia stands up from her chair when she hears a quiet sniffle and sees the younger woman turning her head away like is trying not to cry and is ashamed of ruining her tough persona by shedding tears in front of her colleague. She rests her hand on top of Amanda's stringy hair and runs her fingers through the tangled knots, trying to soothe her with the tender touch once and wishing there was something more she could do to take away her extreme discomfort.
"Maybe it would help if you tried to get some sleep," she suggests gently, noticing how Amanda leans into her touch again but still doesn't turn her head to look at her. "That would probably help more than anything else at this point. Your body is exhausted and needs to rest."
"I can't sleep," Amanda mumbles with a sigh, the other woman gazing down at the stark white hospital sheets like she finds the bedding to be of exceptional interest. "The pain medication keeps giving me nightmares and making me relive getting shot...only sometimes it doesn't turn out the same way in my dreams...sometimes I bleed out on the pavement outside of the precinct, or when I get to the hospital the doctors tell me there's nothing more they can do and I'm not going to make it."
"Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry." Olivia's heart is aching and her voice is quiet as she pulls the quivering form closer to her body, careful not to jostle Amanda too much in her fragile state, and a thought occurring to her. "Would it help if I stayed with you while you slept?"
"You don't have to stay here all night, Liv," Amanda mutters in embarrassment, a red blush infusing her cheeks with color as she glances up at Olivia. "I appreciate the offer but it's not necessary. I'm guessing you're even more exhausted than I am at this point. This case must be running you ragged."
"Don't worry about me," Olivia answers lightly, determined not to let on how truly drained she is right now and just wanting to concentrate on Amanda's well-being. "I can get some proper rest when it's all over. And besides, these hospital chairs are actually pretty comfortable. I'm betting I can get a decent sleep here."
"Those chairs are horrible, Liv," Amanda snickers with an arched eyebrow, gesturing toward the hard plastic furniture with a derisive expression on her face. "I sat on one a little earlier when the nurse helped me back from the bathroom, because I needed a bit of a break from lying in bed. I think I was in evenmorepain after sitting there for only a couple of minutes."
They share a brief chuckle, Olivia tilting her head curiously to the side when she notices the blush deepening on Amanda's cheeks. "What is it?"
"I was going to ask if you wanted to..." Amanda trails off and shrugs her uninjured shoulder, front teeth biting down hard on her lower lip. "Never mind, just forget it."
"Tell me what you were going to say," Olivia urges softly, continuing with her soothing caresses through the other woman's hair. "You can ask me whatever you want."
"I was going to ask if you want to share the bed with me so you don't have to sleep on that awful chair," Amanda whispers bashfully, Olivia's eyebrows raising in surprise at this uncharacteristic request from a colleague that she would never describe as touchy-feely, Amanda usually shunning most forms of physical contact but seemingly in great need of it now.
She herself is very much the same way and finds it quite a bit easier to physically comfort the victims they deal with on a daily basis, people who are virtual strangers to her until they are brought together by a horrific crime, rather than engaging in more intimate contact with friends and colleagues. Amanda's entire demeanor is pulling at Olivia's heartstrings, though; the small blonde injured and drugged and ill and looking near tears as she blinks in quick succession, and she is quite tempted to climb onto the bed to pull the miserable figure into her arms and give her a hug.
"I'm just worried about hurting you if I do that," Olivia explains gently, squeezing the back of Amanda's neck in a comforting gesture as the younger woman's head bows down toward her chest like she is upset and trying not to show it. "I wouldn't want to cause you any more pain."
"It's probably for the best, anyway," Amanda mutters with a downcast expression, her tone neutral and not betraying any emotion. "I wouldn't want to gross you out by having to be in such close quarters with me. I'm a mess and I desperately need a shower, but I don't feel well enough to stay on my feet for that long."
"Do you want me to help you get cleaned up?" Olivia suggests quietly, trying to ease Amanda's dismay with the situation. "Maybe we can wash your face and brush your hair."
"You must think I'm pretty pathetic," Amanda sniffs in response, instead of answering the question. "Your smelly, useless colleague asking you to sleep in the same bed because she's scared of having bad dreams like a child."
"Honey, you're being a bit silly now." Olivia gives a soft laugh of exasperation and rolls her eyes. "Of course I don't think you're pathetic. You've been badly hurt and you're scared, which is perfectly understandable, and you don't smell bad at all. But if you're worried about it, let me help you out. It should only take us a few minutes and then you can try to get some rest."
When Amanda simply nods in agreement without giving a verbal reply, they start getting her as cleaned up as possible from the confines of the hospital bed, working as a team to wash her face, arms and legs, and brushing her hair and teeth, Olivia going back and forth from the bathroom to get whatever they need. A full shower will have to wait until Amanda is strong enough to be on her feet for a lengthier amount of time and her bandage and IV are able to be removed, but for now, at least, the effort they're making is good enough.
"Do you have anyone to stay with you when you're released from here?" Olivia asks gently when they're done with the cleaning process and Amanda looks even more worn out that she already had, the younger woman's breathing slightly labored and her eyelids drooping closed from time to time. "Anyone who can help you out with things at home until you're able to be more independent and your regular routine gets easier for you?"
Amanda shakes her head in despair, apparently too exhausted to speak, and Olivia is not satisfied with this response, although she is unsurprised by it. "Well, I would be happy to help you out, if you don't mind me staying at your place for a few days."
"You don't have to do that, Liv," Amanda protests weakly, the other woman looking as if she can barely keep her eyes open while they converse. "You're already doing enough for me. I can manage on my own. I'm used to being alone, anyway."
"You're not alone, honey," Olivia assures the small blonde firmly, her chest aching at the pain that flashes over Amanda's delicate features, unsure if it's emotional or physical distress or a mixture of both. "I'm here for you and so is our entire squad. We've got your back and we're not going to let you go through this by yourself."
"Thanks, Liv." Amanda's voice is thready and frail, tears swimming in those big blue eyes when she is able to keep them open for more than a few seconds, and Olivia swiftly changes her mind about sharing the bed, wanting to provide as much comfort to her colleague as possible in her time of need, blatant relief spreading across Amanda's face when she asks if the offer still stands.
When Amanda gives her permission to slide carefully onto the bed, the younger woman slowly shifting over to make enough space, Olivia climbs onto the thin mattress and gets settled beneath the covers, Amanda's head automatically coming to rest on her shoulder as they lay there side by side.
It only takes a moment before her fellow detective is snoring lightly into her ear, Olivia grasping onto Amanda's hand and linking their fingers together as her own heavy eyelids gradually drift closed and she feels content for the first time since Amanda had been injured.