This was originally posted as chapter 27 of the "Short & Sweet" series and is an alternate ending to "Psycho/Therapist" (season 15, episode 10) when Olivia is crying on the stairs in the courthouse after William Lewis' trial. That scene broke my heart and I was hoping someone would find her so she wouldn't have to cry alone. There are also mentions of events that took place in "Rapist Anonymous", the episode that aired right before it.
"Short & Sweet" was a series of mostly standalone one-shots (but sometimes a storyline would stretch out for a few chapters).
I know I've been posting a lot, so aside from the final chapter of "Suffer in Silence", I'm going to take a break for a little while. Thanks for reading and for leaving such lovely comments.
The quiet weeping is the first thing that catches Amanda's attention when she eases the door open to the stairwell near the courtroom they have just vacated, the sound muffled like someone is holding a hand over their mouth so as not to draw attention to themselves. Despite that effort, the heartbreaking noises echo throughout the dimly lit space and bounce off the walls in a painful keening that pierces straight through to her soul.
The second thing that grabs Amanda's attention is the distressing sight of her colleague slumped onto one of the steps near the bottom of the staircase, Olivia's head resting wearily against the railing and one hand gripping tightly onto the metal banister like it's the only way she is able to remain upright. Olivia's back is to Amanda and she obviously hasn't noticed that she is no longer alone as the soft crying continues, the pitiful sounds causing Amanda to sink her front teeth into her lower lip as a sudden wave of intense emotion rises up inside of her while bearing witness to the brunette's torment.
She had observed Olivia sneaking off from their group as everyone had filed out of the courtroom in a crushing jumble of bodies and loud chatter after William Lewis had been found guilty, Amanda deciding to creep away from the others in order to follow her and relieved that no one else seemed to realize they were gone. She inches away from the door and sits down carefully on the top step, wincing when it shuts more loudly than she had anticipated and watching Olivia's head snap up in response to the unexpected noise.
"It's okay, Liv, it's just me," Amanda murmurs in assurance as the other woman whirls around and fixes her with large dark eyes full of fear and embarrassment.
"Rollins, what are you doing here?" Olivia's voice comes out in a strangled whisper when she speaks, quickly dabbing at the tears smeared across her cheeks as if trying to cover up the fact that she is crying.
"I saw you come in here and wanted to make sure you were okay," Amanda replies softly, sliding the soles of her shoes uncertainly back and forth across the step directly below the one she is sitting on and privately acknowledging that she is probably the last person Olivia wants to see right now. "It was pretty rough in there."
"I'm fine." The older woman's tone is clipped and tense and sounds a little bit stronger than it just did, although Amanda can still detect a slight wobble beneath the sudden bravado.
"Well, you don't look fine," she states quietly, holding up her hands to stop the objection that she can see forming on Olivia's lips and scrambling to keep talking before she is interrupted. "And it's perfectly understandable that you aren't. I can't even imagine how hard this trial has been for you."
Olivia doesn't answer this time, the taller woman's face crumpling like is making an effort to hold in more tears, shoulders hunching up to her ears and arms wrapping around her waist as if trying to shield her body from Amanda's presence and words.
"Do you want me to get Cassidy?" Amanda offers hesitantly, loathe to leave Olivia by herself for any length of time but ready to do whatever she can to make her feel safe and comforted, even if that means going to find the man her colleague is currently dating; a man that Amanda is not overly fond of.
"No, please don't do that," Olivia answers firmly, a hint of panic lacing her voice and Amanda tilting her head to the side in curiosity and concern.
"Well, is there anyone else I can get for you instead?" She continues with this line of questioning, not wanting Olivia to be alone in her pain but also acutely aware that she is likely not welcome here; not after she had told Olivia off when the brunette had recently questioned her about seeking therapy. "Maybe Fin or Nick? I'm sure they would be happy to keep you company for a few minutes. I know they're better company than I am, anyway. It's okay if you don't want me here, Liv."
Olivia is silent for so long that Amanda begins getting to her feet with the intention of alerting one of their teammates to the issue, extremely worried for her colleague's state of mind and feeling a crushing disappointment and sadness that she will never be the person Olivia wants by her side during a crisis.
Amanda pauses with her knees bent when she hears a ragged voice asking her to stay, shock and elation rippling through her before she settles back down on the top step and trains her gaze on the slumped figure at the bottom of the staircase. "Are you sure that's what you want?" she prods softly, watching as Olivia nods wordlessly and turns around to resume her previous position so they are no longer looking at each other.
Amanda decides to take a chance by moving slowly downward to the next step so she is a tiny bit closer to Olivia, and trying to keep the other woman from shutting down completely by asking her next question. "Why don't you want Cassidy here with you right now? Are you two doing okay?"
She knows that she has absolutely no right to inquire about the state of Olivia's relationship, especially since they can hardly be considered friends and very rarely share anything personal about their lives, but curiosity has gotten the better of her and Amanda can't seem to help herself.
"Yeah, we're fine," she hears Olivia mumble in return, surprised that she is even getting a response to her nosy query and straightening up with a stunned jolt when the brunette continues speaking. "Well, if you don't count the time I drew my gun on him, that is."
"Wait...what?" Amanda stutters out as she quickly descends another couple of steps and then comes to an abrupt halt, not wanting to alarm Olivia by jogging down the stairs so they are sitting side by side, especially when the older woman still has her back turned. "You drew your gun on your boyfriend? Why did you do that?"
"Because I didn't know it was Brian." Olivia's voice is soft and radiating with agony and shame, Amanda's heart aching for her. "He came through the door of our apartment and I thought it was someone else."
"You thought it was Lewis?" she guesses quietly, observing the sudden rigidity in Olivia's posture and knowing that she is correct in her assumption. "Liv, he's been locked up for quite awhile now. He can't hurt you again."
"I know that," Olivia spits out in reply, the other woman still facing resolutely forward and not sparing Amanda a glance as they converse. "Or at least that's what I tell myself...that he's locked away and can't harm me or anyone else now. But the flashbacks and nightmares...they make everything seem so realistic, like it's actually happening, and then I get confused about what's really going on..."
Amanda is drowning in wave after wave of guilt as she slinks down another step and hovers just above the fragile form of her colleague, the comment she had made about not needing to pay someone to listen to her problems resounding in her head and wishing there was some way to take it back; cursing herself for saying something so terrible when Olivia is obviously not doing well and desperately needs to keep attending the very same therapy sessions that she had suggested to Amanda.
She has been in such a bad place lately, relapsing with her gambling addiction after the debacle with a couple of members of her support group, losing a friendship with Lena and a relationship with Nate, and having to deal with the growing tension between herself and Nick; the situation becoming bad enough to warrant a stern reprimand from Cragen in the presence of her partner.
Amanda feels like her life is spiraling rapidly out of control and she has been left clinging to any scrap of hope that she can possibly find in all of the darkness; any tiny shred of evidence to suggest that it's actually worth trying to move forward and away from this giant mess, instead of just collapsing into a wretched heap of her own despair and giving up entirely.
The realization hits her that she has found a reason to begin climbing out of the black pit of depression she has been wallowing in; that this situation right here and now is begging to be confronted and resolved and that she needs to put aside her own issues and help Olivia with hers. The older woman has shockingly chosen to confide in Amanda about something that is so terrifying and personal, and she resolves to stop pushing Olivia away and be there for her during this horrible time when Olivia's life is likely spinning out of control even more than her own is.
Seeing William Lewis in that courtroom had brought back all of the grim memories of Olivia's abduction, Amanda's skin crawling when she had been face to face with him on the stand, and unable to stop thinking about what he'd done to Olivia. The disgusting and untrue things she'd had to listen to as Lewis had spewed lies about the older woman in an effort to humiliate and re-traumatize her, that monster seeming to take great pleasure in playing the victim in these circumstances, had filled Amanda with an immense amount of rage and the need to provide comfort to the broken figure now sitting in front of her.
She can see Olivia's shoulders shaking with barely suppressed emotion and hears a soft whimper emit from the brunette's lips as she eases herself down onto the step directly behind Olivia, her knees brushing against thick strands of dark hair. Amanda reaches out a hand and lays it on Olivia's shoulder, quietly announcing her presence in case her colleague has been unaware of her slow journey down the stairs, relieved when Olivia doesn't pull away and feeling the minute shaking of her body beneath her palm.
"I'm so sorry, Liv," she says honestly, massaging her fingertips with tender precision into coiled muscles that are rippling with stress and strain. "I'm sorry you're going through all of this and I apologize for saying what I did when you suggested therapy. I know you were just trying to help and I was awful to you in return. You didn't deserve that."
"I know you've been going through a hard time lately too, Amanda," Olivia replies quietly, the older woman relaxing ever so slightly into her gentle touch. "Sometimes certain things get said in the heat of the moment when you didn't mean to say them."
"It's still no excuse," Amanda mutters in regret, sweeping a silky lock of hair away from Olivia's neck and deepening her touch, her heart swelling with emotion at being able to connect with her colleague in a more intimate way and glad that Olivia is trusting her to be so emotionally and physically close at the moment. "I treated you badly when you only deserve kindness. I hope you can forgive me, Liv."
She doesn't receive a verbal response from the woman huddled on the stairs in front of her, Olivia's back still turned and her shoulders trembling more intensely now, but Amanda is taken by surprise when she feels a smooth hand sliding over her own and Olivia's fingers squeezing softly in return. They sit there unmoving and quiet on the stairs for a few minutes, hands tightly linked and the beautiful brown hair of her colleague spilling over Amanda's knees, until she hears a shuddering intake of breath and a stifled sob and finally eases herself down onto the last remaining step so they are now perched side by side.
Olivia is crying again, her face pinched with anguish and tears falling in a cascade of salty liquid over her cheeks, Amanda slipping an arm around her shoulders and pulling the quivering figure as close to her body as she can. She can feel the warm tears of the brunette wetting her skin as Olivia pushes her face into her neck, Amanda tightening her hold on the other woman and rocking her back and forth in an attempt to soothe.
"It's okay, honey, I've got you," she whispers into Olivia's ear, rubbing her palms in slow circles around her back and tracing small designs with her fingers. "Just let it out, let it all out. You're safe with me."
"We need to get back out there," Olivia protests weakly, although Amanda notices the older woman doesn't pull away but seems to snuggle into her embrace even more. "Everyone is going to start wondering where we are and they'll come looking for us."
"Don't worry about that right now," Amanda assures her softly, overcome with a fierce wave of protectiveness toward the vulnerable figure cuddled up in her arms. "You take all the time you need and let me deal with everyone else. If they find us, I'll just send them away until you're ready to rejoin them."
"I don't want to upset Brian even more than he already is," Olivia mumbles in what sounds like overwhelmed exhaustion, Amanda wondering if the brunette has slept through the night even once since her abduction. "He's been so good to me but he just doesn't..."
"Understand?" Amanda supplies gently when Olivia trails off, not mentioning that she knows all too well what it's like to deal with nightmares and flashbacks that consume all hours of the day and night, never allowing for adequate rest and always feeling the need to hide these issues from the people around her.
"Yeah," Olivia confirms glumly, Amanda reaching down to give her hand a tender squeeze. "He tries so hard and it's not that I don't appreciate it, but sometimes I just need a break from pretending everything is okay all the time. I don't like falling apart, especially in front of someone I work with, but sometimes it's impossible to keep holding it in."
"And you shouldn't have to," Amanda replies firmly, internally acknowledging that she should take her own advice and open up about her problems from time to time; that maybe everything wouldn't seem quite so hopeless if she just talked to someone and didn't keep it all bottled up inside, never truly allowing herself to just melt into another person's embrace and cry.
That urge is there now as she holds onto Olivia so tightly and continues the soothing motions of rocking the other woman from side to side as they chat, hovering just below the surface of her calm demeanor and ready to burst forth in a torrent of tears and confessions, suddenly desperate for Olivia to provide her with the same sort of comfort. Amanda knows that now is not the time, though; that she needs to be strong for her colleague in this moment and do everything she can to help Olivia through this agony and that there will be plenty of time in the future for further discussion, if that's what she chooses to do.
"It's okay to fall apart in front of me, Liv," she tells her quietly, watching as Olivia pulls back slightly so they are finally looking one another in the eye. "I understand more than you might think I do. And this stays between us, I promise."
Olivia is silent for a moment as they stare intently at each other, concern and curiosity shining in those deep chocolate orbs as the older woman's lips part and she appears to be on the verge of saying something before seeming to think better of it and closing her mouth. Amanda gives her a small smile and swipes a strand of hair out of Olivia's face with a gentle touch, tucking the satiny lock behind her ear and wishing they didn't have to rejoin their squad so soon.
"Thanks for being here with me," Olivia whispers as one last tear trickles down her cheek and Amanda pulls the brunette into her embrace once again.
"I'll always be here, Liv," she answers vehemently, determined not only to see Olivia through the rest of her recovery process but to somehow begin putting the broken pieces of her own life back together. "From now on, I'll be here every single step of the way."