Kendall knew that there was a limit to many things in the world. But if earlier he had thought of something tangible, now the question arose: is there a limit to internal energy? Is it possible to exhaust one's resources while still alive?
Those around him thought he was a born leader. That he could endure any obstacle. He used to believe it himself, because among all his friends, he always found a solution even in the most difficult situations. But time after time, events struck that foundation, knocking out any defense. He was not sure that he could withstand the next blow. He even felt physical pain from despair: his head was literally burning and crackling in the face of unexpected events, like snow in the middle of Los Angeles. But perhaps that was the only thing that brought him back to the current world, for Kendall's thoughts and state of mind were far beyond reality.
Kendall had no recollection of how he had gotten to the meeting place. Since their last – if it could be called that – conversation, he hadn't even called Jo. She had only sent him a short message with her address and nothing else that would bring him one step closer to understanding the situation.
"Kendall."
"Yeah, hi, Jo." He looked at the girl dejectedly. Apparently to brighten the awkward moment, she gestured for him to sit down.
Though Jo could hardly be described as calm, she seemed clearly prepared for the meeting. Her gaze, though striving somewhere downward, was determined and focused, her hands resting motionless in her lap. Only now Kendall wondered: why couldn't her important matter be resolved over the phone?
Anyway, never mind, it was time to end the silence. If Kendall could unravel even a small part of the endlessly tangled tangle, he could not delay.
"Jo, what is it?"
As if preparing for a long story, the girl took a deep breath and turned her gaze to Kendall. "As soon as I got back from New Zealand and heard about your farewell tour, I really was terrified—"
"What about the contract?" Kendall interrupted. He was ready to avoid the subject by any means, because it caused painfully unpleasant feelings.
"When the movie was released, it was a total flop, all the sequels had to be canceled. But that's all minor stuff. You probably want to hear about some weighty circumstances that forced me to go to the concert. But the real reason isn't me. It's you. I'm really worried about you, and I feel like you need support now more than ever, even if you're stubborn enough to say otherwise."
"Have you decided that now is the best time for us to see each other?" Kendall asked, suddenly aggressive. He didn't want to scare Jo, but he sincerely didn't understand her intentions.
"I'm really sorry! I know we stopped our communication so as not to make each other suffer, but now that there's no more crazy filming and at least we live in the same time zone, I can't leave you like this. It was painful to look at you at the concert. You've never been so downcast and desperate!"
Jo gently covered Kendall's palm, watching him cling to the padded armrests with a dead grip. He didn't reject the gesture, but he didn't react to it either. He just stared at the ceiling.
"I also missed you," added Jo.
"I really don't know what to say. Everything is happening too fast and the rhythm of this world is driving me crazy." Kendall gripped his head with a squeezing migraine. "I'm not ready for all the shocks it's throwing at me, and frankly, I don't care for the sudden encounters."
"I understand it's hard for you, but trust me, it'll get easier from here!"
"Oh, Jo. I know those beautiful comforting phrases like 'everything's gonna be okay' and 'there's always a silver lining.' But I'm not naive enough to believe them anymore. You can try as much as you want to make yourself believe that better times are ahead, but the truth is that things will never be the same again."
"That's no reason to put your life on pause."
"No reason. You can keep dragging out the days of existence, even find glimpses of something good in them. But when you know how great and fulfilling your life has been, it's no longer possible to be truly happy."
There was silence in the room for a moment. The phrases sounded too convincing for Jo to refute them at once.
"Not all is lost! You have two wonderful friends."
"They've changed too, Jo. You hardly know anything about us."
"Even though it's been a long time since we've been in touch, I remember what tough guys you are. You're bound to get through this, and please, if I can help you, I'll do what I can."
"Why, why all this charity?" Kendall couldn't take it anymore. "You left me with a broken heart, but as you can see, I got through it, and now all of a sudden you barge into my life and offer to help. Thanks, I don't need a disservice."
Something tugged at his heart. Kendall now fully realized that he was seeing his ex-girlfriend at her house in secret from his closest friend and, more importantly, boyfriend. It shouldn't go too far, boundaries need to be respected. But for the first time in a long time, Kendall felt a little better. Even though the reassuring phrases felt like lies, he needed them.
"You think I don't blame myself? You know how hard it was for me to accept the role. I've regretted it a thousand times, but I really want to do better! You've always stood by me when I was ready to give up, and now it's my turn to encourage you."
Kendall didn't think Jo was at fault, or even held a grudge against her. But he was unable to answer, for his mind was actively churning with thoughts. Perhaps a relaxed conversation would really help to forget, to distract from the numerous interviews and meetings with fans, where he would be insolently tormented with painful questions. Moreover, Kendall needed some inner resource to support the guys who were also on the verge of despair.
"You know, I think you need to shift your focus to something positive. Something that rekindles your old fire. Think about what would help you right now."
"I'm afraid nothing in this world can help me," Kendall replied with philosophical bitterness. "But thanks for trying."
"I don't recognize you. Want to go to the amusement park tomorrow? Just like old times. At least it'll give you a thrill." Jo's face lit up with a gentle smile. Perhaps her intentions were sincere. Kendall shrugged uncertainly, trying to remember his rehearsal schedule.
"Well, we can try."
"I'll shoot at the shooting range, or we won't win even the cheapest key chain with your marksmanship." Jo tried to lighten the mood. Kendall wanted to smile, but instead he looked at her with a blank stare.
"It's late, I have to go." He stood up abruptly and said goodbye. At first he wanted to put his arm around Jo to thank her for her hospitality, but at the same moment he thought better of it. No, even if James didn't know about Jo's return, he wouldn't give him any reason to be jealous. May their last tour not be marred by any more unexpected events and at least James enjoy it to the fullest.
If Kendall had been asked where the problems originated, he would not hesitate to cite the breakup of the band as the starting point. Not that he was thrilled with the paparazzi, Hollywood weirdness, and Gustavo's constant yelling, but at least he'd been able to enjoy life before. Nearby were the former naive – not having learned the taste of bitterness – James and Carlos, near was able to give a timely pendel sister, near was Logan... Of course, Jo was also associated with that bright period for a long time, and Kendall kept in touch with her even after her departure, until he realized that the distance was mercilessly killing their friendly and romantic relations.
Now that she had burst into his world, it was as if she was an anchor from that easy and alluring life. Even if their meeting took place in the wrong amusement park, Kendall still felt as if he'd traveled back a few years. He sincerely believed that by experiencing the same vivid emotions, he would be able to shake off the weight of responsibility, he would be able to regain the source of inexhaustible energy, and finally, he would be able to regain himself.
Kendall kept in touch with Jo even after he left. He dared not to think of anything more than that: not once had he sent her an extra wink, not once, while he was still in North Carolina, had he played a game that might have been considered flirting.
Every day, however, he felt a strange feeling: the deeper Kendall delved into the past, the more distant he became from the present. Nevertheless, when Kendall performed on stage with the other boys, he no longer felt the same anxiety. Wasn't that a good sign?
Big Time Rush in Concert, the band's recently completed first album... It's all bubbling inside: sure, the slight excitement makes your voice shake, but the overflowing drive from within doesn't let the fans and the evil composer down. Maybe he was never even that evil. Right now, Gustavo looks like a father of fledglings, timidly releasing them from the nest into the big and colorful world.
The audience's exuberant reaction to every track coming out of the teenagers' microphones makes it clear that it's all working out. Yay, the debut concert is a success!
But Kendall hears more than just enthusiastic screams. He doesn't even have to turn around to realize that Carlos is jumping to his left, springily and seemingly without any concern for technique. He wonders where he got all that energy from. But that doesn't matter, they have done a good job and have the right to have fun.
To his right, James sensuously pulls his notes. The already rosy-cheeked guy is blushing, but not from excitement: rather, from bursting joy. He moves plastically and rhythmically, though without too much enthusiasm. Obviously, perfectly styled brown strands should look perfect. It's James!
And even farther away, Logan stands a little unsure and perhaps not fully grasping the choreography. Judging by the disrupted sound, his legs are not obeying and refuse to perform the moves Mister X came up with. But who even notices this? With his charisma, cute dimples and flawless, nuanced to the smallest note, singing, he has probably already conquered the good female half of the audience. Too bad Kendall couldn't afford to watch the pretty picture from the sidelines, almost always he had to look straight ahead, at the audience, as he had been taught before the tour. But even without turning around, Kendall could swear he could clearly hear and take notice of everything that was going on around him.
The worst part was that all the images felt as if they were real, but they were far from the truth. Yes, Kendall was indeed standing on the stage of Universal Music Plaza in Orlando... but not for Big Time Rush's debut concert. It was just one of the concerts of the farewell tour. Both Carlos and James performed the memorized moves and verses with professionalism, but their faces showed none of the emotion that either Kendall's inflamed imagination or his good memory would give away. Carlos wasn't bouncing around the stage, James wasn't worried (not even about the sight of his long-abandoned brown hair). And about Logan... Needless to say?
Kendall had gone too far, and with just one logical question he could have destroyed the world he'd built from the past. But a psychological barrier, like a dam, protected him from the impending depression. Kendall didn't feel bad, didn't feel good, but he felt safe. All the guys were around, they were fine. That unconscious argument was enough to keep avoiding reality.
How long was it possible to deny everything around him? Kendall didn't know for sure, but he'd been doing it for a long time. His best friends were his headphones and the loud, familiar tunes of the early tenths. Without realizing it, he'd practically stopped talking to Carlos and James, but their attempts to figure out what was wrong were turning out to be fiascoes. From the outside, Kendall did look a little lost and closed off, but there seemed to be a peacefulness reflected on his face. Perhaps he just needed time to be alone, so the questioning stopped quickly.
Still, one dialogue made him temporarily return to the gray and eerily nasty reality.
It happened at the last concert in Minnesota. The concert was without flaws or any unpleasant feelings. In fact, it was not much different from the series of previous performances. Kendall was immersed in the world of dreams and did not notice the audience, not even looking at the huge groups of people dressed in T-shirts with the Big Time Rush logo. Individual faces were out of the question, the crowd was a monolith without a single notable feature.
After an encore of Halfway There, the guys headed backstage for a brief rest before the upcoming autograph session. Carlos was shouting something about the tour finally being over, while James said almost nothing and looked paler than usual. Before all this mess, Kendall probably would have noticed the change, but right now he was probably the most inattentive person in the group. James' touch snapped him out of his thoughts. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"
Kendall involuntarily shrugged and nodded weakly, and then they retreated to a far corner. Apparently the conversation wasn't meant for Carlos's big ears.
"So what did you want, James?"
"You're probably going to think I'm weird or something. But I give you my word, I saw Jo standing in the front rows with my own eyes!"
Kendall frowned at first, trying to comprehend what he was hearing, but then his palms were suddenly sweating, and anxiety hit his head. Jo?!
"Are you sure?" came the question in a slightly strained voice.
"You saw the girl with the giant pink poster, too, didn't you?"
Kendall frowned, trying to remember something. Unfortunately, his memory was blank. "I wasn't really looking at the audience, sorry. But you could be mistaken."
James scratched the back of his head and looked away uncertainly. "Yeah, she's got a movie contract, so how could she be here? I guess I'm just a little overwhelmed."
"It's okay, we all are," Kendall said and patted the boy awkwardly on the shoulder.
"Yeah... Can I give you a hug?"
"What kind of stupid question is that? Come here."
"It's just that you've been so lost lately. I'm afraid to go near you... But I feel so lousy, Kendall, I can't handle it."
A moment later, Kendall felt James warmth in his arms as usual. But he couldn't savor this comfortable moment because of a sudden bout of guilt. Technically, Kendall hadn't told James anything false, but on the other hand, wasn't concealing facts deception? He'd been talking to his ex behind James' back for days now, and apparently karma had gotten him back. It was time to stop this stupid game! But not now, James already looked depressed. Stop. Right now he was admitting that he needed help, literally snuggling into his chest, and Kendall hadn't even tried to support him or find the right words. Idiot.
"Five minute break is over, Big Time Rush, time to go to the VIP area."
Damn, too late.
As the autograph session came to an end, Kendall breathed a sigh of relief. He quickly put on his headphones and headed home. It was the hearth that had been missing from the tour. It was only on the way home that he remembered that he'd forgotten to talk to James, but he tried to push the disturbing thought away as quickly as possible. He would discuss everything that had been going on lately, he probably would, but not now. He needed at least some time to recover from the tour that had sapped his already-weak strength and emotions... If it was just physical fatigue, which Kendall didn't believe it was. But whatever. All the problems didn't matter right now. He wanted to abstract himself and immerse himself in the familiar atmosphere of the beautiful times. Didn't he deserve a little peace of mind?
When he reached home to the sounds of Stromae, Kendall mentally wished his mother wouldn't touch him or question him. He decided to keep his headphones on and make his way quickly to the bedroom. But when he opened the door, he couldn't take a step forward. In the doorway of the living room glimpsed the figure of his mother already coming out and... Jo. Jo again.
"I won't bother you, son. If you need me, I'll be in the kitchen."
"Wait!" Kendall came to his senses and aggressively clung to his overly-affectionate mother's arm. "What's Jo doing here?"
"We met at the concert and I invited her to join us. Is something wrong? You should at least say thank you. Did you see the poster she made of you and the guys? It's beautiful."
Kendall clutched his head fearfully and felt the need to sit up quickly. He walked briskly into the living room and dropped into the chair directly across from Jo.
"I can explain—"
"What can you explain? What?" Kendall shouted, but lowered his tone, for the words echoed terribly loudly in his head. "Why did you come to Minnesota? And don't be a cheerleader. If you're a spy who's gathering dirt on me, come clean right now. You already know my phone number, you already know my address, so why don't you stop? Or is there anything else you need me to tell you?"
Jo looked at him with the look of a frightened deer. "K-Kendall, how could you think that?"
"What should I think? I'm sick of thinking! Explain everything from the beginning or get lost."
Kendall crossed his arms, waiting for an answer. He didn't really want to be stale with Jo: perhaps it was because of her that he still hadn't lost his mind or broken down after his friend's death. Kendall was grateful and somewhat glad, even if he didn't admit it. But the desire to hear the truth compelled him to act rudely.
"Please don't talk to me like that. I know I should have told you everything the first time I met you, but... but I didn't know how." Jo moved over and placed her palms on his crossed arms. "When we stopped communicating, I wasn't ready to lose you. Even though we realized that distance was ruining our relationship, I didn't want to believe it was over. I restored your number three times, and each time I stopped myself when I deleted it again.
"At the time, I naively thought it would get easier. But it didn't, you know, it didn't!" Tears came to Jo's eyes. "When the contract, because of a bad movie, had to break, I was even happy. I just wanted to rush to 2J and tell you that everything was over, that we could be together again.
"But then Camille told me what had been going on with Big Time Rush over the past few months and I felt so ashamed. I was scared to talk to you about relationships. What if you have a new girlfriend? What if you're just not ready for one after such a betrayal?"
"Jo."
"You know, after I met you in North Carolina, I realized something important. Distance is an evil thing, and it's not gonna separate us anymore. It's foolish to repeat the mistakes of the past, especially now... when I realize I still love you."
Kendall had time to curse himself with every word he could think of. He should have known Jo still had feelings for him, but now it was too late to change anything. "But what about your career?"
"With my current reputation, I might not be able to count on roles. Not anytime soon, that's for sure. There's nothing keeping me in Charlotte or Los Angeles." Jo lowered her gaze awkwardly and, wiping her glossy eyes, continued:
"I know I did the wrong thing, but I talked to your mom after the concert and I asked her something. She admitted that you're not in a relationship right now. You have no idea how happy I was to hear that, Kendall, because there's a small chance that you might forgive me! Or if you can't, I'll understand. But please answer me honestly: Are you ready to start over?"
Before Kendall could hate his mother, he was numb. How was he supposed to answer her? Admit that he and James were dating? Even though Kendall had already had two coming outs, they were still a difficult task. Especially since the first person had made him laugh and now betrayed him as well, and the second one had taken the secret far away from this hopeless world.
The words didn't want to come out, as if they were stuck in his throat, and his resolve was leaving his body with every passing second. As if not noticing, Jo continued: "I won't rush you, but let me help you."
As Kendall struggled to understand what kind of help she was talking about, Jo stroked his cheek and moved even closer to him.
As soon as her lips were at a critical distance, Kendall quickly looked away. Just now he had almost cheated on James! The mere thought made a shiver run through his body and he quickly jerked himself up from the uncomfortable chair.
"Jo, look, I just don't know how to say this, you know."
"Kendall?
"Give me time to think." Kendall bulleted out of the living room and ran to the second floor, ignoring his mother's cries of indecent behavior. It was only in his room that a wave of despair swept over him, causing him to collapse onto the couch and dig his fingers into his temples.
As broken as Kendall was, he wanted to run as far away as possible! To another state, country, continent, anywhere. But what was the point? He'd already tried going to Los Angeles and gotten only a temporary escape, then the consequences came with double force. Wherever it was that Kendall went, he couldn't escape his problems. One must make a final decision without looking back, even if he has to regret it for the rest of his life.
For the first time in twenty-two years, Kendall didn't know what the best course of action was. It seemed like forever since he'd looked at the ceiling and tried to say, "I'm sorry, it's over," but he couldn't get the words out. Kendall could easily say no to anyone, whether it was insolent Gustavo or his mother, whom he would now prefer to use unflattering words with. But both Jo and James were too close to him. They didn't deserve to be treated that way.
Desperately, Kendall closed his eyes and sank into a world he already knew and enjoyed the world of memories. Perhaps that was where he would find the right answer.