Shepard sat on his bed. He hadn't eaten or slept in days and was in rough shape. But he had fought battles regardless. He was a soldier, and a damn good one too. It took a lot to shake him after some of the hell he'd been through. Unfortunately, Virmire was just another book in that library.

He couldn't sleep even if he wanted too. Whenever he closed his eyes, he saw her face. Her eyes. Ashley's. She'd been a real asset to the team, and even offered pleasant conversation to pass the time. Shepard didn't know much about her past, but he knew enough to say he was one of the lucky few to be her friend.

Everything went wrong on that mission, and it did nothing for him. Nothing but piss Shepard off. Saren forcing him to choose between two of his best soldiers was a mistake. One he would pay for dearly. Kaiden was alive though. Alive and fighting because of his call. He was also a good friend, and it tore Shepard apart that he had to make a choice like that. Not everyone could, and it was testing his limits.

Shepard would never admit it though. Not to the crew. Ever since he'd joined the alliance military at eighteen, he'd had nothing else. It was his home and family, and he dedicated his life to becoming the perfect soldier. And as Commander of the Normandy, he would rather swallow a bullet than admit any kind of personal issue to the crew. But they knew. He knew they could all see through his bravado and somehow… they all knew he was hurting. They had all come to see him at one point or another, but he either ignored them or ordered them away with menial tasks.

Garrus had been the first. Despite Shepard's distrust for non-humans, he'd gotten quite close with the Turian. Whenever there was a job that needed doing, it was usually him, Shepard and Ashley taking care of it. All three going in guns blazing, taking situations head on. And their elevator chats… that was something he was going to miss.

Shepard sighed and rolled onto his back. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep, but he would at least be able to get some rest for an hour or two. As he closed his eyes, he whispered a prayer. He'd never been religious, but he knew that Ashley was. She had always talked about God, and if she believed in a higher power, he would take it.

"Dear God," he mumbled under his breath. "If you exist… wherever you are, please… take care of Ashley. Keep her safe. And tell her that I'm out for the blood of the man who killed her."

…

Joker sat down at the mess table with the rest of the crew, with the same worried face as Garrus, Kaiden, Tali, (or at least her body language suggested she was worried, as she was constantly rubbing her hands,) Dr. Chakwas, and Liara.

"I'm worried about the Commander," Liara said as Joker struggled to get his legs in position.

"I'm sure he's fine. He has to be. I mean, the man survived Akuze, right? I read the report, no way Virmire was worse… right?"

Garrus shook his head, interlocking his hands.

"No, he's not. We all know it. Have you seen the man? He's barely eaten, and I don't think he's even slept. Back in C-Sec, there were plenty of guys who'd seen stuff that wasn't half as traumatic, and they came back changed."

"Yeah, but… I mean come on! It's Commander Shepard! One of, scratch that, the best N7 in the alliance. I mean he made Spector for hell's sake."

Kaiden set down his fork and let out a frustrated sigh.

"I'm with Garrus on this one. I've seen Alliance soldiers come back with PTSD so bad they couldn't open a door without screaming their heads off. Battle can change you."

He leaned back in his chair.

"Honestly, I'm not sure how the Commander isn't blaming me for Williams' death."

Liara put a hand on his shoulder.

"It's not your fault, lieutenant."

"It's Saren's."

Kaiden looked up at the Turian.

"Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but I know that if I hadn't gotten my ass stuck behind a hunk of metal with robots shooting at me, Williams would still be alive."

"Kaiden, we all knew the risk of the mission. Williams died fighting, and that's how she wanted to go. She was a soldier, and she died a hero's death. She grew up around military, it was in her blood."

At this point, Dr. Chakwas pitched in her own opinion.

"I'm seriously concerned about how it's affecting Shepard. I may not be a phycologist, but I know enough to see it's eating him from the inside out. I've read the recent mission reports, and he's taking out his anger out in the battlefield; making reckless decisions and casualties high enough to make any Turian piss himself on the spot."

Garrus and Tali shared a look. They both knew what she was talking about. Ever since Virmire, Shepard had started taking Tali with him as Ashley's replacement. She didn't know why, but he didn't talk like he did when she joined the crew. He seemed to just radiate anger. The recent mission on Zuh's Hope was nothing but confirmation. He'd taken out more than half the colonists.

"He needs to process this in a healthy way, or it's just going to get worse. He could eventually develop sociopathic symptoms."

"So, you're saying he could go all renegade?"

Dr. Chakwas leveled a glare at Joker.

"Not quite how I would have put it, but essentially if he doesn't get the proper help."

Garrus frowned.

"We've tried Doctor. You know that. Whenever I try to talk, he always sends me off to do calibrations and he straight up ignores Liara and Kaiden. Even Joker tried once, and he just got sent to the hull."

"I haven't tried."

Tali's quiet voice cut through the conversation like a laser through steel. Everyone was quiet and turned towards her.

"That seems improbable. The Commander has turned down any visits from the crew, and it is unlikely that you will make a difference."

"Do you have a better alternative, Liara? Besides, I've learned to never count a Quarian out. Tali's more than she seems. She might just be able to talk some sense into him, who knows? Besides, he's been taking her with us on the missions. That could be something."

Liara glared at Garrus for a solid minute.

"I see no logical counterargument."

Everyone's eyes once again turned to Tali.

"Well… um… I guess I'll go up and see him then."

…

Virmire. Saren's base of operations. The images flashed through Shepard's mind over and over, the gunfire, the Geth, the hordes of Krogan charging at him and his unite, Major Kirrahe and Kaiden shouting orders. The confrontation between him and Wrex. Each had a gun pointed at the other.

"I can't let you jeopardize the mission!" Shepard shouted at the Krogan, his heels digging into the sand as he took his stance, shotgun tight in his hands. Dammit why couldn't Wrex see that these weren't his people? That they posed a threat to galactic peace? Shepard's hands clenched tighter around the shotgun. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. Wrex had been with him since the beginning—tough, loyal. He couldn't lose him now, not like this. Not to pride. But the resolve in the Krogan's eyes was unmistakable.

Wrex's pupils dilated as he growled.

"So that's it? All this time, and that's all I get from you? How can you not see what this means to the Krogan? This base can't be destroyed, I won't allow it!"

Shepard swore under his breath, and lowered his gun, taking a neutral stance. He couldn't afford the loss of the heavy hitter on the team, especially the Krogan biotic.

"Wrex, please! We can discuss this!"

The Krogan growled again.

"No more talk, Shepard. I've got to do this my way."

Just as he raised his pistol and took aim at Shepard, gunfire filled the air. But there wasn't a scratch on him. Shepard's heart stopped. One moment Wrex stood defiant, and the next—he crumpled, a gaping wound in his chest. Shepard's stomach twisted. Ashley stood a few feet away, her pistol still smoking. She hadn't waited. Ashley had taken matters into her own hands and had taken the Krogan out herself. What a waste. Now they were shooting each other in the back. Barbaric.

As the mission continued, Shepard took Ashley and Garrus as the shadow team, and he had gone out of his way to make sure that the Geth had every disadvantage that he could inflict on them. He had already lost one squad mate, and Shepard was determined to make sure that he wouldn't lose more here. But like Akuze, things didn't go to plan, and he was faced with a choice.

"It's done, Commander. Go get the lieutenant and get the hell out of here!"

"Belay that. We can handle ourselves. Go back and get Williams!"

Shepard stood there, Garrus and Tali standing next to him, both looking just as concerned and scared. They knew what he knew, and that was only one of them could be saved. Shepard only had a few seconds to choose. Both of their faces came to his mind, trying to weigh the pros and cons of each choice. Whatever he felt for Ashley... he couldn't let that interfere with this critical choice. Seconds felt like hours. Kaiden's calm voice over the comm, contrasting Ashley's. They both trusted him. They both needed him. The question wasn't just who could survive longer—it was who Shepard could live with leaving behind. His throat tightened as he made the call, the words thick and heavy on his tongue.

"Alenko, radio Joker and tell him to meet us and the AA tower."

Shepard jolted upright; the weight of his armor replaced by the slick feel of sweat-soaked sheets. For a moment, the warzone still clung to him—the sounds of gunfire and shouting echoing in his mind—until the quiet of his cabin settled in. He wiped a hand across his face. Virmire hadn't left him. It never would. Moments in war never did. Not Virmire, not Akuze, not Feros.

Shepard looked up as he heard the soft chime of his cabin doorbell. He was tempted to just ignore whoever it was, but he figured if he did that too much, the crew would relieve him of command on the basis of him not being fit for duty. He stood up and went into his bathroom. Looking in the mirror, he knew he looked as bad as he felt. The skin around his eyes was starting to sag and his cheeks weren't as full as they used to be. He splashed some water on his face and sighed.

"Who is it?"

"Oh, I didn't think you would answer…"

"What do you want, Tali?"

"Do you have a moment? I thought maybe…"

"Maybe I would want to talk about Virmire?"

"…Yes?"

Shepard groaned and hit the door button so hard with his fist he almost broke it. The doors slid open with a hiss, and he sat down at his desk.

"Newsflash: I don't."

"You opened the door," she noted. She entered the cabin and stood beside the desk.

"I did," he confirmed.

The two stood in awkward silence for a few moments.

"Look, Tali… I appreciate what you and the crew are trying to do, but I'm fine. I really am."

Tali folded her arms, and even though Shepard couldn't see much under her helmet, her eyes were narrowed in a way that told him she was giving him a look.

"Really? How many times are you going to say that? We both know it's not true and everyone in the crew can see it. When was the last time you slept?"

Shepard sighed, not answering.

"Talk to me. I may be new to combat, and all of this; this crazy world you live in, but I'm here just the same, and I'm willing to listen. If you don't deal with this, it's just going to get worse."

Shepard stood up and walked past her to look at his computer. He stared at it for a few minutes, once again leaving Tali in an uncomfortable silence.

"Why are you even bothering? No skin off your nose."

"Because you're the Commander, and my friend. You checked up multiple times to make sure I was comfortable and adjusting. You treated me like an equal, even though I'm not human."

Shepard grunted. More awkward silence followed.

"You're out of line, Tali. I could have you charged."

"I wasn't aware that I was a ranked officer on this ship."

Shepard swore under his breath. She was right; there was no way to punish her, as she wasn't an alliance soldier. She was a volunteer, and he couldn't kick her off the ship, he needed her. She'd proven herself with a shotgun and her tech skills had saved his and Garrus' asses more than once. He finally sat down on his bed and said,

"What do you want me to say?"

"What you feel. I don't want you to use scripted lines, I want you to use your heart."

"My heart?"

"Isn't that something you humans say?"

Shepard contemplated for a bit. "It depends," he finally said. "Humans are very different from any other species."

"What do you mean?"

"Well… every other race seems to have one culture, one history, one people and one language. Humans… we have thousands of different groups and cultures on our planet, and over two hundred languages. Most of our history is spent at war with itself, between these different people. So, it really depends on where you are in earth that tells the significance of the heart."

"And you?"

"I think that referring to the heart is metaphorical for the compassionate side of humanity. Our better nature, tender mercy, things like that."

He didn't say anything after that, but Shepard considered it a miracle that Tali had got him to say this much.

"I don't know much about Human culture. Can you tell me about your people? Where you grew up?"

Shepard snorted.

"The United States of America, or the U.S.A. The main military power on earth and headquarters of the Alliance Military. I grew up in a city called Chicago. It wasn't the safest or nicest place on earth. I was alone growing up, and I lived off the streets. Took odd jobs to make ends meet, mostly errands and the like for local crime bosses, and I eventually enlisted in the navy."

"You grew up alone?"

"Yes."

"That's… Shepard. I'm so sorry."

"Don't be. Experience is what shapes us."

"That doesn't mean it can't break you."

He gave a small chuckle and said, "Well I'm not broken yet."

Tali sat down on the bed next to him and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Yet. But I can see… Keelah, we can all see you're close. We want to help. I want to help, but none of us can if you don't let down your walls. Please. For the sake of the mission, we need you at your best and you know this isn't it."

For the sake of the mission.

Dammit. Appealing to his military side had been a very clever move, he gave her that. Being the perfect soldier was his life. And if he wasn't in fit condition, then he wasn't the soldier the alliance needed right now. The Specter that the Council needed. Damn Tali to hell and back, but she was right. He needed to process it.

Shepard took a deep sigh and a moment to collect his thoughts.

"Chief Williams… Ashley… we were alike in a lot of ways. Both militaries, and we dedicated our lives to it, wanted the best for humanity. Sometimes… I'd go down to the cargo hold to see her, and we'd talk about her father and poetry. It wasn't much but… in this world you hang on to what you've got."

"Were you two close?"

"Close? No. But we connected. Clicked as humans like to say. Neither of us really knew anything about each other's past, but we both… at least I felt something for her. I cared for her."

He took a shaky breath and wiped away the tears that had started forming in his eyes.

"I've never had much, Tali. I've never cared to. Growing up the way I did, it didn't matter. But… when something is taken away… you feel it. And now she's gone. It's hard to believe that I'll never see her again. That when I go down to the cargo hold, she's not going to be standing there, asking 'Commander, what are my orders?' And it's my fault. It's all my fault."

"Shepard… no. It's not. Why would it?"

"Because I had to make a call. I made a call between two of my best crew members, and I chose Kaiden. I don't know why. I had a gut instinct that I needed to get to him fast, and because of that, I left Ashley to die!"

"You didn't leave her to die."

"Yes, I did. Her death was a direct result of my actions, and I betrayed what connection we had to save Kaiden."

"You didn't betray her, Shepard. Ashley made that decision herself, and she sacrificed herself for the crew. She died fighting for a cause she believed in. Isn't that what she wanted? If you had gone back to save her instead of Kaiden, what would you be saying to yourself right now?"

"I'd… I'd probably be saying that I left a good friend to die for something that might not have worked."

"Shepard, this isn't a situation you can win if you think like that. It's not selfish of you to have bonds with the men and women that serve under you. You have a close relationship with Captain Anderson, right? You just… need to give yourself time to mourn her. You need to let yourself mourn her."

Shepard was now fully crying at this point, unable to hold back his tears. Tali held her arm around him as he cried.

"I just… I miss her and I want to have one last chance to talk to her. To tell her goodbye and that we will remember her."

Tali hugged him tightly.

"Back in the fleet… whenever someone we love died, we would sing our song of the dead. A message they could hear from the other side. With the ancestors."

And Tali began to sing in Khelish. Shepard couldn't understand a word of it, but it was beautiful melody, and the notes gave voice to his emotions. The phrase Keelah'Sali was used multiple times throughout the song. The mourning in her notes and his emotions transcend the barrier of language. And it wasn't for him either. Tali also felt the loss of Ashley, and she was hurting from it too. Together the two mourned the loss of a comrade and friend.