FICLET 3: PRAYERS ANSWERED - PART 2
She appeared beneath the torii gate of the temple and hurried forward, willing the caffeine to buzz in her veins and hoping her breakfast would hold her over until lunch. She greeted the priests who were emerging from their living quarters with a quick bow and a good morning. She thought they might have stared at her – she'd always been punctual in the past – but they didn't comment on her tardiness. She spent the next few hours sweeping the grounds, lighting the incense offerings, and assisting in a couple ritual cleansings. Then, when she managed to find some time to herself, she went to one of the temple gardens and sat in front of a small shrine.
She thought back to the previous night and to what Yuè had revealed. She'd known he'd been mistreated, but she hadn't realized the depths of his pain. But then she'd seen the haunted look in his eyes and felt the uncertain, yet desperate way he'd held on to her, as if he'd fall apart without something or someone to cling to. He wasn't certain how to live – or live happily, at that. His past had broken him and he was still trapped in it, and the weight of leading him out of that darkness lay heavy on her shoulders. It was a familiar weight, admittedly. She'd taken on the same responsibility for her students. Yet somehow, she felt even more invested in his case than theirs. She'd never allowed herself to get this personally involved before. She'd never felt so ready to break along with someone else, if that was what it took….
It disturbed her, so she prayed to the gods and hoped they were listening. She bowed her hand, clasped her hands together, and whispered, "Help me. He is hurting so terribly, so please, help me save him. What more can I do for him? What more can I give him? Please, tell me, am I doing this right? Am I doing this the way you want?"
The gods, in reply, were silent.
She sighed and sensed the head priest approaching her. He stopped a meter away, waiting for her to finish her prayer, and smiled when she stood and turned to him. He gave her a respectful bow, though not as deep as her own, and asked, "Would you like to join me for lunch, Miss Kurosawa?"
She nodded. That sounded good to her. They went into the nearest sitting room, leaving the door open to let the breeze and the sunlight in. The elderly man made them a batch of white tea, the leaves freshly plucked from his garden. For the next few minutes, she ate her apples and he, his rice. They sat across from each other in silence, listening to the wind chimes and the laughter of the visitors outside. Then the priest said, "You've been distracted all day. Would you tell me what's troubling you?"
She held the warm cup in her hands and stared into the steaming liquid. "I had a long night."
"Yes. You spent it with a certain man." When she jerked her head up to stare at him, he gave her a reassuring smile. "Your aura has traces of his in it – a sign of prolonged and close exposure."
"We didn't-" she rushed to explain, but he held up a hand and shook his head.
"I know. Your aura would have been much more tainted if you had. I do not mean to chastise you, my dear. I merely think you need to talk about it with someone. So please, tell me: what happened?"
She couldn't share Yuè's secrets with anyone, not even with the priest who knew so many of hers. Yet she could tell him what Yuè was going through to the best of her abilities. "Before he came here, he was hurt by those who were supposed to care for him. Now he doesn't know how to function in a healthy environment. He doesn't know how to live a normal life, nor if life is even worth living. He doesn't trust people and he…he seems so lost. I have seen others like him, but…."
"But you've had other people to help you in the past – people who specialize in this line of work. In this case, however, you alone bear the responsibility for this man. And you wonder if you are capable of the task."
She said nothing, but nodded in reply. Yuè refused to see any counselors, the proud creature that he was, and she didn't have the power to force him to go. Which meant it was up to her….
"Do you want to help him?" he asked. His voice held a note of curiosity in it, but that was all. She knew he wouldn't judge her even if she said no.
But the truth was that she'd never thought of not helping Yuè. She'd never thought of breaking her promise to him, as hard as it was to keep. It wasn't in her nature, and the priest smiled as he perceived that. "I see. Then you will save him."
"How can you be so sure of that?" she asked, setting down her cup and folding her hands in her lap.
"The gods would not have sent him to you, if you were incapable." He too set down his cup and laid his hands on the table. "Consider, for a moment, how you met him. My fellow priests and I had retired for the night. Our visitors had left us hours beforehand. You were the only one who lingered on the grounds. Moreover, your psychic abilities allowed you to sense his presence in our temple, and your lineage and status gave you leave to enter it. Furthermore, you are uniquely able to understand what he has endured. You can and have offered him much in the way of hope.
"I believe your meeting with him was destined," the priest confided to her. Then, in a more solemn voice, he added, "If you cannot save him, then I fear no one can."
She didn't know whether she should feel comforted or even more burdened by that. She drank some of her tea – it had cooled, so she heated it quickly – and eventually said, "You have so much faith in me."
"You have proven your strength in the past. I do not see why this trial would be any different." Then, with a sigh, he looked outside and said, "But I wonder: will you be prepared for the consequences of your success?"
She blinked. "Consequences?"
His smile was kind, but somewhat sad as he said, "That man will fall in love with you, Miss Kurosawa. Hopelessly so."
She nearly dropped her teacup in shock. Her fingers twitched around the porcelain. "What-? How – how can you know that? He barely likes me now. He is more inclined to curse me than-"
"As you said, he is lost. He is not used to kindness, so he lashes out with suspicion and uncertainty whenever it is offered. He may even resent you for it. But eventually, you will break through to him. He will see your sincerity and appreciate your efforts. More than that, he will come to see you as his savior. He will worship you, Miss Kurosawa, and will do everything he can to please you." He took her cup from her, refilled it, and passed it back to her.
Then he met her eyes, and there was something hard in his gaze as he said, "But when he approaches you, intent on love, you must reject him."
Something small, yet something nonetheless, reared up inside of her and hissed at that, even though she'd never thought of Yuè in that way. "Why?" she asked, her voice sounding strangely sharp in her ears.
His gaze softened at her tone. "Do not misinterpret my meaning. I would never try to keep you from love – not for the sake of this temple or for any other reason you might imagine. Love is a gift. I know that well enough. You may not have been tempted by it thus far, but when you're given the gift of someone's heart and body – I can understand why you would surrender to it. I wouldn't even begrudge you for it. Ah, now there's no need to blush. Sex, too, is a gift, and you might find it preferable to working with us. But I am getting off topic. You shouldn't give in to him because it wouldn't be fair to either of you."
At her confused look, he explained, "Some may dream of being the center of another person's world – but that is more harmful to them than not. If he sees you as his personal goddess, it places unrealistic expectations on you. It forces you to always be perfect, for if you make mistakes or offer offense, he will grow disillusioned – or worse. Simply put, you cannot be you. And in worshipping you, he cannot be himself – for he must always give in to your will and never place his own needs first. Neither of those things are healthy, Miss Kurosawa. Nothing in a romantic relationship between a follower and an idol can be."
A shiver rushed through her and she blurted out, "So I have to keep him at arm's length, always? What if I-"
"As long as you are helping him, you cannot also be his. Someday you two could be equals, but you must find balance with him. Let him see you for who you are. Let him see your flaws and your contradictions, your anger and your grief. He may be disappointed, for a time, but if his feelings for you are sincere, then he'll move past his disappointment and love you for who you actually are. And you, in turn, must see him as more than a broken man. He is strong – he must be to have survived this long. Do not look down at him, or pity him, or try nurturing him like a mother would her child. Give him the tools he needs to help himself and watch the man he becomes. Again, I would never wish to deny you love. But I want you to make sure that love is true, and not some shallow mockery of it."
That was a lot for her to take in – but she thought she understood what he was saying. "Thank you. I will – I will keep that in mind."
He reached over the table and set a hand on her shoulder. "I do not mean to discourage you. Merely – if you do end up leaving us, I would like to ensure your happiness in what small way I can."
She laughed a little nervously at that. "What you suspect might never happen," she reminded him.
He drew back his hand and shrugged. "And yet it might. Especially since fate is on your side."
Before she could think of a response to that, the bell rang and signaled that the lunch hour was over. They stared at each other for moment, and then she said, "I'd best get back to sweeping."
He nodded. "I will take care of these dishes. If I don't see you again today, have a pleasant evening."
She thanked him and spent the next few hours contemplating what he'd said. When the visitors began trickling out, she returned to the garden and knelt before the shrine. She remembered the priest's words and mused that, while he'd added another worry to her thoughts, he'd also diminished one as well. She prayed again and whispered to the gods, "I will do my best for Yuè. I will not fail you. Thank you."
For the gods, it seemed, had faith in her – and while there might be more trials for her in the future, that thought was rather comforting.