A/N Hi everyone i hope you enjoy this week's update, apologies for any typos, I wrote some of this from my phone because my computer was acting up... I hope you like it, please leave me reviews :)
Trevor got three bowls out and took the oven mits and put the pot of spaghetti back in the oven and picked Luca back up who was still crying. He saw that Noah had gone back to his game, his earphones on alerted Trevor to the fact that he was still a little worried about conflict.
He made his way down the hall back to his room with Olivia. The door was closed and the faucet was running. "Baby, can I please come in?," he asked.
"I'm fine," she called back, wiping her eyes. Trevor slowly opened the door handle and pushed it open just a slight bit.
"I'm happy to give you some space, love," he started in his most gentle voice, "but I just want to know that your hands are okay? Do you need some medical attention or is it okay?"
"It's just a burn," she said slowly — her voice was measured and hard to read.
"Are you angry with me? Did I do something wrong?," he wondered.
"No, you didn't do anything wrong. It's me. I just need you to leave me alone to calm down. Go have dinner with Noah," she sniffed.
He knew better than to push anything with her. "Okay," he replied, accepting that she was unwilling or unable to talk about what had happened. "But I'm here for you, I just wanted to help, I wasn't trying to be pushy or anything before. I still just want to help."
"I know," she replied, still standing at the sink watching the water run over her hands as if she was transfixed by it. He found it a little strange but said nothing.
"Okay, do you want me to make you a bowl?"
She simply shook her head.
"Okay, I love you."
He waited for a moment but she didn't respond, she was distracted and had been hardly able to speak to him. He simply shut the door quietly behind him and decided to give her space that she clearly needed.
/
Trevor put a bowl of spaghetti on the table for himself and Noah and put the garlic bread out on a plate in the middle. "Come on Noah, time to eat…"
With his earphones on he couldn't hear so Trevor made his way to the family room. Noah glanced up and pulled his over-ears off and looked up expectantly. "Kiddo, come on, time to eat dinner."
"I'm not hungry," he muttered.
"I don't care. Mom spent time making spaghetti so we're both going to eat while she takes some time to relax."
With a sullen expression crossing his face, Noah got up and followed Trevor to the dining table and took a seat.
"Do you want a drink?" Trevor tried to remain bright and happy regardless of Noah's attitude.
"No thanks," Noah replied.
They sat down across from one another. Noah propped his chin up, his elbow on the table top as he pushed the spaghetti around with his fork.
"Kiddo, it's alright. Mom's fine, I just checked on her. She just needs to keep her hand under cool water. She wanted us to eat dinner," he tried to assure Noah but he barely looked up.
"What's going on?" Trevor pressed, "why are you so worried? It was a burn and she hurt her hand and was mad at herself and was frustrated and took it out on me, but it's okay, neither of us are mad."
"You don't understand…" his voice trailed off and Trevor saw tears streaking his face. Immediately he wiped them away.
"What? What don't I understand?" He spoke slow and soft the same way he dealt with Olivia.
"You won't get it," he dropped the fork in to the bowl. "You haven't seen her like this before. I have and she isn't going to want you or me or anyone around her. We don't exist to her right now-"
Trevor frowned, unsure of what he meant. "I could feel it," he continued, "I could feel it today, it's been coming slowly and you have no idea how this will be and you'll probably leave because it's hard."
"Noah, pause for a second. You're speaking in riddles — tell me what you're talking about. What do you think is wrong with Mom?," he started to get a sinking feeling that maybe Noah knew something that he didn't.
"Ever since I was little… Mom would do this, something would happen and it starts a chain reaction of things and before I know it, Uncle Fin, Amanda or Uncle Sonny, they'd be taking me for a few days because Mom is sick," he used air quotes. "You don't know the look, I do… the reactions, the anger over nothing and the days and days of her being in bed and numb to everything…and she never wants to talk about it."
"It'll be okay. You're not going anywhere and I am going to support Mom through whatever is going on. I hope that I can make a difference and that maybe she will talk to me because she loves me and we're going to get married."
"She loves me too— she won't talk to me…"
"I'm guessing that it's adult stuff, Sunshine. I'm guessing that Mom needs to talk about some big stuff that maybe she doesn't know how to because no one has ever given her the opportunity or the insistence that they want to hear…"
"I tried, I just wanted her to talk to me and be honest with me… why do you think I stopped making an effort in her and my relationship? I gave up because I always felt shut out. Since you've been here it's been a good run but I knew it wouldn't last forever… she makes me angry when she does this…"
"Don't be angry, kiddo, that's probably the last thing she needs, she probably just needs some compassion."
"There's only so many times you can offer hugs and compassion and telling someone you are there for them before the words just start turning in to platitudes and resentment builds…" he told Trevor wisely. He went to say something else but instead he closed his mouth and put his fork down. "I don't want to eat. I'm going to go to bed."
Trevor decided not to force it. "Okay, cover your bowl up for me and leave it aside and I'll put it in the refrigerator."
Without a word Noah did as he was told.
Trevor grabbed his own bowl and finished it over the sink before cleaning up. He took Luca with him to their bedroom and laid him down in the crib. Olivia was laying in bed with two bandages over her hands. "Hey baby…" he greeted her.
"Hey…" her voice trailed off.
"Do you want anything for the pain? Some ibuprofen?"
She shook her head. "No thank you. Did you and Noah eat something?"
"Noah was upset, he wasn't hungry and he went to bed. I ate and cleaned up — but if you want something, I can get you something."
"No thanks," she replied.
Trevor surveyed her, giving her the once and twice over. "Baby, I don't know what happened before, but I'm worried about you and I just want you to do your best to try to talk to me about it," he spoke slowly.
Just like her son, her eyes began to water. "I don't know…"
"I think you do know but you're either struggling with the words or you're scared of what I might say or how I might feel…"
She thought for a moment. "PTSD," she replied. "From that situation I tried to talk about when we were away."
He was a little surprised, he hadn't expected that but it made sense why she was slow to react, why she had yelled and cried and not wanted him to touch her. "I'm really sorry, I didn't know you had PTSD, but it's okay, Olivia, I'm not here to make that harder on you. I just want to help where I can."
She blinked back tears. "I can't look at the burns," she admitted as she began to sob. "I can't look at the burns because I start to smell burning skin and I'm back there… It's so stupid."
Trevor sat down beside her on the edge of the bed, not rushing at her or doing anything that might startle her. "It's okay," he murmured, placing a hand on her back, rubbing in circles. "You don't have to look, I can look at it for you and treat it for you."
She appreciated his hushed tone and his softness and the logic about him that managed to stay non-emotional. She didn't want him to become an emotional mess too, she knew she wouldn't have dealt with that very well. "Is that okay?"
She nodded and sniffed.
"Okay, let's just deal with the most important thing first. I'm gonna go get a cloth and see if you have anything in the first aid kit for burns and I might take a pic of your hands and ask Raia or Hannah if we need to do anything special for it."
"Okay, thanks." She tried to stop crying but the tears of relief wouldn't stop streaming down her face.
He got up and went to the bathroom and rifled around a little and poured her a glass of water and got some ibuprofen. He prepared a wet cloth, remembering not to use anything that had too much texture or else it could make the burn worse. He eyed some petroleum jelly at the back of the cupboard and from his brief classes in med school, he remembered it could be good for surface burns.
He plucked it out and grabbed the cloth, the glass of water and the packet of pills and made his way back in to the bedroom. "Okay," he began. Olivia sat up slow, wincing as she had to put some pressure on her throbbing hand. He handed her two pills and the glass of water. "Here, take these…"
She did as she was told; exhausted and grateful that he wasn't mad or even frustrated with her. "I'm gonna take these bandages off, so avert your eyes, I can turn the TV on if you like…"
She shook her head. "I just won't look," she went to tell him but it came out in a whisper.
He took her first hand and gently unwrapped the crude attempt she'd made to cover it with the bandage. In just the short time since she'd burned herself, it had become red and soft, a clear line mainly three of her fingers just below the bend of her knuckles and across the middle of her palm. "Is it bad?," she asked.
"No, it's just a minor second degree burn," he replied, concentrating in the dim light from her lamp. "Don't worry, sweetie," he assured her, placing a hand upon her shoulder, "I'll take care of it for you."
"Thanks for not losing your temper with me…" she told him in a small voice.
"Of course not," he managed to smile at her. For the first time since it had happened, she made eye contact with him. "I love you, I don't ever want to be harsh to you, Liv, I was just confused but it's totally fine now that I know," he replied.
"Thanks Trevor…" He leaned forward and kissed her forehead.
"Just hold still for a second, I'm going to take a picture to show Raia." Olivia looked everywhere but at her hands. She heard the click of his camera followed by the typing of his text.
"What are you saying? Please don't tell her I freaked out."
"Sweetheart," he paused and hit send and looked at her, "that's between us, I don't share everything thing my sister, I promise. I just want to know if I need to do anything else for your burn. My med school experience goes only as far as certificate in First Aid training," he smiled reassuringly, "and I'm sure things have changed since med school."
A few moments later Raia replied to his text telling him to do exactly as he was going to. "Does it feel like it's throbbing?," he wondered as he uncovered her other hand which thankfully wasn't as burned as her dominant hand. He slowly placed the cool cloth over one hand guided her other to gently meet with the top of it. "Just hold that together for a few moments, I'm going to get a q-tip and we're gonna slather it with this petroleum jelly and bandage it up over night and hopefully in the morning some of the pain will be gone."
"Thanks," she murmured. "I can't believe I did that, what an idiot…"
"No, you're just tired, love, its alright. You seemed a little distracted anyway. I don't want you to be hard on yourself about any of this…"
He got up and went to the bathroom and grabbed two q-tips and made his way back, sitting back down and waiting for a moment. "Does that feel okay? Do you want to just hold it there for a bit?"
She nodded, "it's soothing, thank you…"
"I'm calling off classes tomorrow, I'm going to stay home and help because you need the rest, I think."
"No its-"
"Stop," he said firmly, "its fine, sweetheart, you need me and someone else can relieve if they don't want to cancel the class. You need me and you are my priority. Noah got a bit of a fright too so I really want to be with you guys tomorrow."
"Okay, but… you don't have to."
"I think I could help… it's friday and maybe we could go to Mom's and Dad's for the weekend— how do you feel about that?"
Olivia just shrugged. She wasn't sure. "Can we think about it?"
He nodded and smiled. "Of course…" He turned back to her hands. "Okay, let's get these paws sorted out." He removed the cloth and applied some of the patroleum jelly with the q-tip liberally over her hands before bandaging them up again a little firmer and a lot neater. "Is that okay?," he wondered, "is it comfortable?"
"Uhuh, thank you." She was able to look down at her hands without feeling the same anxiousness in her chest that she had felt earlier.
"You're welcome, now, do you want me to get you a bowl of spaghetti to eat here while we watch some TV?"
She thought about it for a second before a little smile crossed her lips, "maybe… just a little bit."
Trevor finally felt relief to see her smile. "Okay, I'll be right back. Would you like a wine or a whisky or something to drink?"
"Yes please, maybe just a whisky but also could you bring my water bottle?"
He couldn't help but feel pleased that she was being just a little sweet and needy now that her PTSD event had seemed to pass.
Olivia watched him leave the bedroom and let out a deep sigh of relief. She was lucky to have him; lucky that he would put up with the parts of her that she was trying so hard to cover up or push down deep below the surface and she could feel it all beginning to betray her with the fatigue getting stronger day-by-day.
She knew she hadn't quite broken yet, but it was coming and she hated that she was struggling more to keep it to herself. The last thing she wanted was for him to regret the ring on her finger or the baby that slept soundly in his crib in the corner of the room. She wanted things to be perfect with Trevor, she wasn't sure she had the emotional capacity for anything else to go wrong.
It felt good when he returned with a small bowl of spaghetti, a piece of garlic bread and a small glass of whisky with a tiny bit of club soda and two cubes of ice.
Noah was following close behind him. "I have a visitor," Trevor announced as he put the tray on the bedside table. Olivia saw her son's face and instantly the guilt hit her. The look he had given her in the kitchen was one of fear one that understood what he was saying, here we go again… She had to work to help him understand that it was different. Maybe she too had to understand that it was different - that she would do better this time and not shut everyone out or disappear emotionally for weeks on end.
"Hey babe, come and sit down," she patted a spot beside her. Noah climbed up the bed and sat beside his Mom.
"Are your hands okay?," he wanted to know. His voice was soft too, but it wasn't to placate her, it was because he was sad and she could see it on his face. Trevor sat down beside Olivia on the edge of her bed.
"They're a bit sore but they'll be okay. Dad patched them up for me," she gave him a weak smile. "What about you? Are you okay?"
He nodded. "We can be honest with each other you know," she prompted him.
"You're never honest about your feelings," he murmured, "you just tell us that you need to be alone until you calm down and then you don't talk about it."
"Ouch," Olivia replied. "I'm trying-"
"You always say that too," he added, "but you're not trying. You're just trying better to hide it."
"Noah that's not really fai-" Trevor tried to interject but Olivia shook her head. "No, its okay, Noah's right… maybe I'm not trying, but I need you both to know that what goes on in my head is scary and awful and I don't want either of you to have to ever think about those things— or relate them to your thoughts of me."
"You disappear… you're here but you're not here and it's scary and I feel like our love isn't enough to help you. I tried to tell you this before you and Dad began dating."
"Honey your love is enough. Your love, Dad's love, the love from Lexi and Luca and the way I feel about you all, it's enough and it helps me and gives me the strength to come back from whatever's in my head but I need you to know how incredibly hard it is for me…"
"Noah, remember when Kaci was in the hospital and I had a bit of a freak out and we talked about it briefly and I explained to you about trauma and how being there in the hospital was hard for me because it reminded me of Lana?"
Noah nodded. "It's called PTSD, do you know what that is?"
"Sort of…"
"It means that sometimes a thing happening, a sound, a smell, touch — it can trigger your brain to take you back to the place where the traumatic thing happened, sometimes you can lose sense of your surroundings and you can be almost tricked in to believing you are back there and sometimes you don't even realise it and everyone is different as to how they come out of that; how they get re-centred. Does that make sense?"
Olivia wiped tears from her eyes. "Is that what happens to you, Mom?"
She sniffed and nodded. "I used to get Aunt Amanda or someone to take you because I didn't know how long the bursts would last. It was a lot worse when you were little because it was all still so fresh, but… sometimes things still happen."
"Why did burning yourself cause it?," he asked curiously, not realising Olivia was worked up enough having to explain herself to her fourteen year old son of whom she never ever wanted to worry with these kinds of things.
"I can't talk about that with you, babe, I am begging you to understand that there are some things that I just don't know that I can ever discuss because I love you too much to have you thinking about the depraved things that criminals do."
"Can you start seeing a shrink again?," Noah asked, "like, does that help? Because I don't like it when this happens, Mom, I find it really scary and if Dad wasn't here, I don't know what to do…"
Olivia wiped her eyes again, "Honey if you want me to start seeing a shrink to try to work on it more, I will, I promise. I don't want to scare you or your siblings. That's the last thing I want."
Noah slid his arms around her. Olivia reciprocated and gingerly held his thin body against hers. "I love you so much, I'm sorry I frightened you earlier, but I'm alright."
"Okay," Noah replied. "I love you too and I'm sorry if I haven't been understanding-"
"Oh, Noah you are always perfect, kiddo. You can't know if I don't explain myself and like always I think I'm doing a great job of protecting you, but you see through it because you're an incredibly intuitive kid with an unending pool of compassion and you are always, always enough."
He nodded again. He kissed her cheek. "You should eat your dinner and sleep. The spaghetti was really good, thank you for cooking it."
Olivia smiled at her sweetheart son. "You're welcome. Cooking for you guys makes me really happy," she replied. "You go get some rest too and we can talk more about a shrink this week."
/
Olivia put her plate up beside the bed and sipped her whisky in the warm, dim light beside Trevor. She caught sight of the diamonds on her engagement ring catching the light. It gave a little burst of motivation — to try. Not just for herself, but for Noah and for Lexi and Luca and Trevor too.
"Can I ask you a question?," Trevor began, swishing the liquid around in his mouth before it slid down his throat, heating it up.
"Yeah…" she asked, resting her head on his shoulder.
"When you burned yourself before, it took you back to when he burned you, right?"
She nodded. "For a long time I stopped cooking because the clicking of the stovetop … I hear that and I just feel immediately sick, like a feeling that something bad is going to happen and because I'm tired I don't have it in me to fight off that feeling, I guess… and then when I burned myself I just lost my senses."
"You don't have to cook if that causes you any issues, Liv," he murmured. "And when we move we'll get a place that has one of those fancy button-activated cook tops so there won't be any clicks."
"Yeah, that might help… but I try to just get on with it because I don't want these things to stop me."
"But its okay if for the moment you can't do it. There's a lot going on and our main focus should always be making sure that the kids are happy and self-assured because they look to us for stability and we might think sometimes that we are helping them by keeping things to ourselves, but I think they pick up on more than we think."
"I just don't know what the solution is, Trevor," she told him feeling overcome with emotions again. I go from feeling like I'm letting everyone down by showing all my issues to you guys, because I know it makes you all really sad and if I keep it to myself, I'm letting you all down because you feel shut-out and I don't really know what to do anymore…"
"You're not responsible for my feelings," he told her gently.
"Imagine if I said that to you? If what happened earlier happened again and I told you to go away, that you're not responsible for my feelings from trauma? Do you see how sad that would make you?"
"Fair…" he agreed, "I guess what I want you to know is that even if I do feel sad or upset for you, it doesn't make me love you less, it makes me want to help carry it so that it's not such a heavy load on one person's shoulders… there's only so much you can take, Olivia, I know that from my own experiences."
"I don't know what I'm doing wrong," she told him, "if I'm genuinely honest with you, Trevor, I don't know what I'm supposed to do to make this better? I can't help a PTSD episode, I can't be touched especially if my brain triggers and I'm there and you touch me, it's not good, I-" she paused looking for the words, feeling herself getting worked up "I don't know what the right thing to do is… am I supposed to let you touch me?! Because I did what I knew I could do the second I felt ground beneath my feet again, and that was to understand what happened and go to the bathroom because I'd hurt myself and also to splash water on my face and my neck to help ground me more."
"If it does more harm for me to touch you in that situation, then I shouldn't touch you in that situation," he told her slowly and evenly, "but I think it's how it feels when you bolt for the door, when you won't let me in or when you won't tell me what happened because I didn't know, I was confused."
"I told you," her voice cracked, "I just told you before what it was, now you know… I just needed a second because that hasn't happened to me in awhile, I'd almost forgotten what it was like. It's self-loathe and shame and fear and that feeling of being totally fucking alone in my pain."
"But I don't want you to be alone, you need need to feel shame or loathe, Liv…"
Frustrated, she drew in a deep breath. "Nothing I do is right, my feelings aren't right, my way of dealing with PTSD isn't right— I'm trying to tell you how I'm feeling because you say that I don't… and I'm telling you and you're invalidating that, Trevor," she glanced up at him with her eyes full of tears. "I'm trying so fucking hard… I can't… I can't do this anymore."
She covered her face and he wasn't entirely prepared for just how hard she began to cry. He took her glass gently from where it had been sitting and put it on his beside. He wrapped both of his arms around her as she sobbed, heaving deep and letting it out louder than he'd heard her cry before.
"It's okay," he whispered. He knew that Noah would hear or that there was a chance she would wake Lexi but he knew she needed to get it out of her system. He remembered the time when he had finally come out of the hospital and Raia had attempted to stay with him for a few days in his apartment. He tried so hard to play down his sadness, to pretend he was fine when, on the last day of Raia's visit, he realised how alone he was going to be on his own and it was as though flood gates had opened and he let out loud gut wrenching sobs that he couldn't control - it was a purge of all of the pent up emotions and anger and unfairness that had been filling him up and turning his insides toxic.
Raia held him and cried too, hating to see her little brother so apart at the seams.
He understood how his sister must have felt as his eyes welled up as he held his fiancé firm. The bedroom door opened and Noah stood, staring at his Mom. His eyes filled up and spilled over immediately. He waved Noah over, knowing that there was a good chance Olivia might try to calm if she knew he was there, but felt as though there was no point trying to hide her pain from him now. "Get it out, baby," he told her. "We've got you and we love you no matter what."
Olivia felt another set of arms around her and realised it was her son. She had completely lost control of herself and she couldn't seem to reel it back in. "Its okay Mom, you can cry for as long as you need. We love you so much."
Her body wracked with the sobs that tore her apart, making her body overheat and the kind of raw emotion she had rarely ever let herself experience save for the one time after Elliot left and Noah had been staying at Cooper's and Amanda had called to try to mend things again, but Olivia had lost her temper and unfortunately her former friend wore all of her fury and frustration with what had happened.
She had sat in the bottom of the shower recess sobbing for what felt like hours.
There was something so primal about the way that she sobbed, Trevor thought, it triggered off a sense of pain within him because he knew that whatever haunted her was buried so deep, was ravelled up so tightly that he wasn't sure that they would ever be able to get to the bottom of it — that she would have to continue living with it consuming her like a monster that came and went based on whatever was taking place in her life.
"Its okay, my sweetheart," he murmured. He reached for Noah too, knowing that their son was deeply affected by his mother's upset. He gave his shoulder a squeeze.
Eventually Olivia began to calm, her sobs strangled by the lump in her throat that wouldn't seem to settle. It was a miracle that neither baby woke up. Trevor's t-shirt was damp to the touch from her tears and also the heat from her sobs. She pulled away, still having fits of sobs. "Noah, I'm sorry," she sputtered, "I'm so sorry."
"No, don't be sorry, Mom, its okay. You always tell me that its okay to cry. If you feel bad then I should feel bad." She took some deep breaths and then choked on more sobs that kept seeming to escape without her control. Trevor's hand was gentle, rubbing her back in circles. "I'm gonna get you something cold," he told her, getting up. "Would that help?"
Olivia nodded, she wanted her precious son to do whatever he could that would make him feel like he was making her feel better. "I'm sorry," she told Trevor softly.
"It's okay," he whispered, wiping his own tears.
Noah came back with a face cloth and handed it to her, "maybe it'll help to put it on your face."
"Thanks," she replied, feeling how swollen her face felt. She felt Trevor's warm hands smoothing her hair from her face. She couldn't help but admit that his gentleness made her feel soft and thankful and loved despite how ugly the situation felt. Trevor took the cloth after she removed it from her face and rested it at the back of her neck. She reached for Noah's hand. "Honey, I'm okay… I just .. needed a good cry, I really didn't want you to worry about me."
"We have to look out for each other and be there for each other now, we're family."
She nodded and tried to smile through her still-watering eyes. "You're such a wise kid, I am so thankful for you, Noah. I just hate that you had to see me like that."
He shrugged, "You see terrible stuff all the time and you've experienced some terrible things, sometimes its hard to let go of and sometimes when we think of them, we cry, it's normal."
"There he goes with his wiseness again," Liv managed to joke, glancing at Trevor. She realised he'd also been crying. He smiled weakly too. "We're too spoiled as parents," he replied.
"Do you need to talk about anything?" Olivia asked her son, wiping her eyes.
"No… do you?," he wondered.
She shook her head, "I think I am feeling exhausted from crying and I just want to calm down and maybe I need to feel cheered up." She turned to Trevor, "what about you? Do you need to talk about anything?"
He knew they couldn't really talk in front of Noah, but he sensed that she needed a break. "No, but… why don't I go and get us some dessert and some popcorn from the kitchen and the three of us can watch a nice, light-hearted movie together."
"That actually sounds perfect. Noah how does that sound to you?"
"Good," he replied.
Trevor got up. "Okay, get comfortable with Mom and I'll go grab us some ice cream…"
He paused for a moment and leaned over and wrapped his arms back around Olivia. "I love you with all of my heart, Liv, you're always going to be free to have whatever feelings you want to have without any judgment or shaming from any of us here at home."
She felt fresh tears slide down her cheeks as sniffed and nodded. "Thanks baby…"
He brushed away her tears and kissed her temple. "I won't be long. I'll make your ice cream extra special," he gave her a little smile.
/
Olivia had dozed on and off and was more than ready to sleep after it the movie. She heard Noah go to bed and Luca began to cry shortly after she got comfortable back on her side. Slowly, she lifted herself.
"No sweetie, it's okay, I've got him. I set up a bottle earlier, I'll just change his diaper and get his bottle."
"I don't mind—" she began.
"No, please, let me… I really want you to try to get some sleep. Heal those little bandaged paws up with some rest," he insisted. He pulled the summer sheets over her and got up to tend to Luca. He felt grateful that so far Lexi hadn't woken up. Usually if she was able to sleep past midnight without waking, she would sleep through the night.
It was close to midnight and Trevor really willed for her to give them a break for the night. He stood in the kitchen, yawning as he held the infant and waited for the bottle to warm.
He took Luca back to their bedroom and sat with him in bed with the TV on a soft volume.
"Trev?" He heard Olivia's voice.
"Yeah?"
"Thanks for tonight… for being there. I know I got frustrated but, it's more with myself because I don't really know how to do this, but… I'm eternally grateful for you and for my sweetest, kindest, oldest child. I want you to know that I never take it for granted."
"I know that, love," he replied, smiling. "I don't even mind if you get frustrated with me, I'm learning how to navigate this too, so maybe I'll say something dumb or not respond the way you need and if that happens, you just need to tell me."
"Thanks…"
She eased herself up for a moment and glanced at Luca. "Can I hold him for a minute?"
"Of course," he passed Luca over carefully and watched Olivia nurse him close to her, taking the bottle to finish the last little bit. "He's beautiful isn't he? We're not just biased?"
"We're biased, but I'm not sorry about that," she replied with a little smile. "I can't believe he's ours… it's still so surreal. If I wasn't still healing, I probably wouldn't believe that something this perfect came from my body."
"I would believe it because he is just like his Mommy, dark hair, dark eyes…"
Olivia smiled at her son. "I'm a lucky Mom. All of my children are beautiful and little Lexi is really turning in to strong personality and as much as I hate having to tell her not to do stuff, I do love that she marches to the beat of her own drum and that she has very strong likes and dislikes."
Trevor smiled. "She was pretty sweet tonight after swimming, so cuddly."
"Mmm," Liv nodded looking tired, "You know cuddles are my kryptonite."
He kissed her temple. "You know, if you weren't as affectionate as you are, I dont think I would have been able to deal with that. I am so needy when it comes to affection and I'm really glad you are as well."
She chuckled. "With the right person, but I'm sure some people would suggest that I'm stand-offish."
"Well lucky I know better," he replied, sliding an arm around her, bringing her closer while she fed their infant son. He kissed her temple again. "I just love you so much and I know tonight was heavy… and I guess maybe I was really quick to try to allay your feelings without listening to you properly. I think we get desperate to save each other from feeling bad but sometimes part of that healing part is just actually feeling bad…"
She concentrated on his words and nodded slow. "I don't think whatever words you say could change that tormented part inside me, I think that's going to be a slow heal… if it ever heals."
"I want you to know, that it does," he told her meaningfully. "It does heal. I never thought it would but it does and maybe when it heals, you'll still have this bit of you that feels a bit weird about it, but the hurt and the pain of it won't be as hard-hitting anymore…"
Olivia hoped that every word he spoke would ring true for her at some point. "Do you still feel guilty about Lana? About finding happiness with me and the kids?"
He thought for a second, "Not as much. I think in hindsight, I had survivor guilt and I know Raia does too. But realistically, Raia was right, Lana would have never wanted for me to feel guilty for moving on. If she loved me as unconditionally as she always told me she did, then she would have wanted me to be happy, so I tell myself that. I think she would have liked you and she would have adored Noah and the kids and whether that's me absolving myself, I don't know, but I do know that I wouldn't change anything."
"Do you think you would have remained married to Lana forever?," Olivia wondered. A few comments he had made over the period of their relationship had alluded to the fact that there were problems in their marriage at times.
"I think…" he began carefully, "if she had not been so close to Raia and so entwined in my family to start with, we might have broken up earlier. Raia was always the one who played peace keeper after fall outs and really, my Mom and Dad liked Lana but they didn't love the way she always tried to push me to do stuff I didn't want to do."
"Like trying to get a principal job?," Olivia asked.
"Yeah, like… just being a first grade teacher or the sports teacher or whatever wasn't enough. I would have been happy sticking it out at the elementary school and maybe I would have wanted to be principal at some stage, but I loved the hands-on in teaching, I didn't want to sit in an office lording over other employees… she pushed me to take a job at the high school and I remember really not wanting to but I did it to make her happy and it was better pay— but it took awhile to really adjust and care about it the way I did at the elementary school."
"Well, I just want you to be happy no matter what you do. It was nice earlier to hear you so passionate about wanting to put effort in to your very own classroom. Do you think the other teacher will take issue with that? Maybe there's things she will want to do."
Trevor shrugged, "she's a first year teacher, this is her first teaching gig. I'm actually going to meet with her next week, I was told to view myself as her mentor in terms of how the room should be led, the things she should teach — she might have her own ideas, but I guess I'll go in with an open mind."
"I think you're a collaborative person, especially when it comes to the kids so I think you'll do great with her too."
"Thanks, it helps to have you building me up every time I let my insecurities get the best of me."
Olivia smiled. She realised Luca was finished with his bottle. She passed it to Trevor. "My little milk monster…" she murmured, smoothing his tiny head. "Mommy's little milk monster…" she repeated, bringing him close for a kiss upon his warm forehead. "You sleep well…" Trevor took him and kissed him goodnight and placed him back inside his crib.
He went to the bathroom and then got in to bed turning the air conditioner on. "How are your hands doing now?," he wondered.
"Not as bad as they were."
"Good, if it starts stinging or anything, just let me know and we'll keep putting the petroleum jelly on it, it keeps it hydrated."
"Thanks…"
"Do you want me to hold you tonight?," he wondered, not wanting to assume.
She smiled at her beautiful husband-to-be who took his glasses off and folded them carefully beside his bed. "Always…"
He turned the light out and moved closer to her, letting her get comfortable as he wrapped his arms around her. "Good night baby. I love you."
"Goodnight. I love you too."
/
Trevor was up early with Lexi and was in the kitchen with her with her kitchen crane that raised her up so that she could see what was going on and also help a little bit. "Are you okay there my little darling?," he asked her as she ate some blueberries one-by-one that remained on the counter.
"Uhuh!" She nodded, slowly putting another in to her mouth. "Mama sleeping?"
"Yes honey, Mama is sleeping and we're making breakfast for everyone," he smiled at her, walking past her and kissing the top of her head. "You're gonna be daddy's little helper this morning, aren't you?"
"Yes," she nodded emphatically, "I help Daddy!"
"Good girl," he replied. "Give Daddy a big kiss!," he commanded gently, holding his arms out to her. Lexi giggled and wrapped her arms around Trevor's neck and kissed his slightly bristled cheek.
"Ouchie, Daddy," she rubbed his face and grinned at him. He could hardly stand how gorgeous she was with her big eyes and her tiny little toothed grin.
"Ohhh Daddy needs to shave, does he? Is it spiky?"
"Uhuh! Ouchie!"
Trevor smiled at her and kissed her cheek right back. "Okay, Daddy will shave later, but for now we're gonna make some blueberry waffles for Mommy and your big brother."
"Mmmm yummy!"
"That's right, yummy for your tummy!," he poked her playfully in the belly causing her to giggle again.
Trevor moved about the kitchen and grabbed out the ingredients and took away the blueberries from Lexi and cut up some strawberries and put them in front of her so that she could pick at them. He pulled out the waffle iron and moved it to the other side of the counter so that it was well out of his daughter's reach.
"Okay, you eat your yummy strawberries and Daddy is going to make his special batter," he explained to her, telling her every ingredient as he added it, making sure she was paying attention — it was the only way they were able to get her speech moving forward. They were having more success with her word bank growing wider each day and her pronunciation getting a lot more understandable.
"Would you like to have waffles too?," he asked her.
"Uhuh!," she agreed, "Me eat."
"Okay, let's put you in your chair because Daddy is cooking your waffles right now."
"Nooo," she protested, "no no no! Here! With Daddy!"
"Do you want to eat your waffle here? On the counter?," he asked her. With her lower lip protruded, not wanting to be so far away from her dad, she nodded sullenly.
"Okay sweetheart, you can eat here at the counter while watching Daddy," he agreed, "just because it's special Daddy-daughter cooking today…"
She smiled as he clocked Olivia appearing from the hall wearing a camisole and a pair of boxer shorts. She looked weary but she wore a smile along with her cute little outfit that she had slept in. "Gooooood morning Mama," he greeted her.
"Awww good morning my loves," she let Trevor meet her in the middle of the room and greeted him with a kiss as they made their way back in to the kitchen where she gave Lexi a cuddle and a kiss too.
Lexi pointed to the waffle iron and babbled away for a moment, "what's that, honey?"
"Daddy!"
"Ohhh, Daddy is making you some waffles for breakfast, you lucky girl!," she smiled at her sweet daughter.
"Lexi is going to eat her waffle at the counter because she wants to keep helping Daddy by eating her strawberries," Trevor informed her, "because we're making some blueberry waffles for you and Noah, aren't we bubba?"
Lexi nodded as if she took the task very seriously.
Olivia smiled, "Ohhh Mommy is excited for her waffles, thanks my loves…"
Trevor popped the first waffle out and on to a plate. He covered it in some strawberries and a little vanilla yoghurt and let it cool down, cutting it in to small manageable bites. "Give it a second," he told Lexi as she wriggled around excitedly to get her breakfast, "it's a little hot okay? We just need to wait and be patient."
He turned to Olivia, "how are your hands?"
"Mmm not sure, not sure if I want to look."
"I can look at them for you as soon as I finish with your breakfast. Would you like some yoghurt on your waffles too?"
"Sure, yoghurt," she winked, knowing that he would put some ice cream and maple syrup and fresh fruit. "Thank you."
"You're welcome. Do you want to see if Noah is up? Let him know breakfast will be ready shortly."
"Yes boss," she replied.
/
Olivia found Noah playing on his phone which she wasn't particularly happy about given the rules. He tried to fumble and hide it but she'd already seen it. "Noah…" she gave him a warning tone. She decided to cut him a little slack given the tumultuous night they'd all shared. "Come on, kiddo, you know better than that…"
"I didn't have it in my room all night, I just got up early and couldn't sleep…"
"Promise? Because I don't want to have to start taking your devices in to my bedroom with me when I go to sleep."
"I promise," he replied.
"How are you feeling this morning?," she asked, "are you okay?"
"Yeah. Are you?"
"Yeah," she gave him a smile. "Hey listen, your Dad is making some waffles with Lexi, so come out and have breakfast with us, okay?"
He sighed, "I don't know if I feel like eating. I might go back to sleep."
"Okay but if that's the case you can pass over your phone."
He rolled his eyes with frustration. "Why do you care if I eat or not? I'm not hungry."
"Believe it or not, Noah, I care when you skip meals, if you're mad at me, that's fine, but don't punish yourself by not eating," she couldn't help but feel a little slighted about him being upset with her.
"I'm not mad at you, Mom, I'm just …" he shook his head and shrugged, "I don't know, I'm just frustrated because I feel sad that I can't fix you."
She gave him a weak smile. "I don't need you to fix me, sweetheart," she told him gently, "it's not your job. You know what helps me the most? Is when you and Dad are kind to my heart, when I'm feeling sad and both of you do the small kind things that you do to make things a bit easier— like yesterday when you took Lexi to nap while you watched a movie with her… and when you didn't know what else to do so you asked Tara to come and help… I appreciate those things the most, sweetheart and I want you to know that I will heal. It just isn't a linear process, it takes a long time to recover from what I went through, I hope you'll just be okay with that."
"I am okay with that. How could I not be okay with that?"
"Because I guess in a way honey, it affects your life too and I try so hard to not let it affect you but maybe I've not tried hard enough, but I'm doing my absolute best for everyone who loves me."
"I know… but I also can't help the way I feel about it. You're the best Mom and the best person and it sucks that you have to deal with it because you don't deserve it." She made her way over to him and sat down on his bed and gave him a hug.
"Thanks babe," she murmured. "I appreciate that. You make me feel better."
"K… let's go get some waffles because it'd be a shame if Dad made them all and they didn't get eaten."
"Yeah, that would be a shame because he's trying so hard to make today nice for us all, so let's show him that we appreciate him too because I think sometimes we forget to do that."
"Okay," he replied, slowly getting up.
/
"OK what do we need to do first?," Olivia asked, "do you want to work on the labels? Or do you want to work on the fun stuff?"
"Labels," Trevor nodded decisively. He pulled all of the coloured paper out and the list of projects one by one.
"So I need to have…" he paused and sighed and looked at Olivia, "… I don't know, Liv…" he dropped his shoulders, "I'm feeling stressed about it, I want things to be perfect, I want to prove that this giant idiot can be good at teaching the little ones." She hated that he was feeling insecure about his new job when he had been so bright and happy about it earlier.
"I have a suggestion…"
"What's that?," he wondered.
"What if we were to grab Lex and Luca and bundle them up and take a walk down to the school, will there be anyone there?"
"Yeah," he nodded, "I have keys anyway."
"Well we could go to your classroom and map things out and Lexi can play with the toys and I guess we could get an idea of how you want to arrange things," she suggested.
"Really? Today was supposed to be a rest day, baby…"
Olivia glanced at him and reached for his hand over the counter. "I'd like to help though, if you want my help… I think we could figure it out and you won't have to feel stressed. We can map it out with the tables and chairs and then take photos so you have a visual and then we can come home and think about where you'd like things to go — we could even stop past Michaels for craft stuff and go and buy any of the equipment that we need if the kids are manageable enough."
A slow smile began to spread across his mouth, "really? You wanna help me that much?"
"Of course, silly, I want you to feel like you're confident walking in to this."
His smile upturned wider until he was beaming at her, "I fucking love you, really… you are the best. Thank you I would love to actually do that today."
"Okay," she beamed back at him, "so let me go do my hair and make myself a bit presentable and ready to see the world and we can stop for an iced latte and if Lexi is good, maybe a little treat for her…"
"Sounds great. What time is Noah going to Adam's?"
"Soon, he just went to grab some stuff for his overnight bag. We'll just go after him?"
"Sure, sounds good. I'll go and see if Lexi needs to use the bathroom and I'll check if she needs a new pair of pull-ups."
"Thanks baby," Olivia replied. "She's doing pretty good… I'll be so happy once she is fully toilet trained," she laughed.
Trevor chuckled, "It'll make things a lot easier if she only had to wear pull ups at night, but she's still so little. She's really coming along in all other areas though…I'm proud of how much we've worked on her vocabulary."
"Me too, we've done good." She held up her bandaged hand, "high five it… gently,"
He gave her a gentle high-five. "Actually, let me see your hands before you go anywhere else."
/
"Daddy!" Lexi pointed to a corner of the room full of dolls and trucks and dress up items. She wanted to play but was unsure.
"Oh, sweetie," he smiled at the sweet little girl that hesitated, waiting for permission. "Would you like to play with those toys while Mommy and Daddy look around?"
"Uhuh!"
"Manners, please," he told her gently, "ask with your manners."
"Pease," she tried again, a little smile forming.
Olivia loved watching Trevor interact with the kids — it warmed her through, he was so thoughtful and always so present with them, never harsh but always expecting a certain level of behaviour. "Of course honey, you can go and play with those toys but you need to clean up your mess when you're finished."
Lexi moved fast, pulling out the dolls first, trying to find one that pleased her the most.
Olivia smiled at him. "You're a good Dad," she remarked, "you're gonna be a great teacher to these little ones, I just know it. You have a good heart and the kids are going to love you."
"Hope so!," he replied, taking her hand. She placed the other hand on Luca's back. She had wrapped him up in the baby wrap as he slept warmly against her. Her hands were slightly better too, she had taken off the bandages and had swallowed her fears to look at the burn marks— it wasn't too bad, just one blister forming on her palm, but the sting was long gone and in the light of the new day, it didn't seem to upset her as much.
"This is a huge space…" Olivia looked around. "You have a lot of room in here…" she glanced over at a shelf full of cubbies where the children could put their things. "Maybe you should start by deciding what you like and what you want to keep and we could move the furniture around to how you like it."
"Good idea," Trevor nodded. "I want to have group tables, so… three desks, two opposing and one at the head so four kids opposing and another two at the top, so If I do four groups like that, that seats 20 kids. I need a double desk closer to the front — class clown desks," he flashed her a smile.
"Wait, you're gonna make the naughty kids sit here?," Olivia asked, a little surprised.
"No, not necessarily. I want them to remain empty, but I'll just refer to it as the quiet time desk — if a kid is acting out or won't stop disrupting others they can sit here for an hour or the day or whatever I think is fit, but also this can be a spot for kids who might be struggling with some work and I can oversee and help."
"Mmmhmm, that's actually a good idea, look at you being such a good, hot teacher…"
Trevor laughed.
"What about a rug? Like for storyline or for whatever activities you guys do on the floor?"
"Yep, that's on my list." Olivia surveyed Trevor looking around, the creative part of his brain trying to visualise what should go where. "I think I need to reorganise the play areas," he nodded toward the back of the room, "I want a book corner and I think I'll remove the shop stuff," to the back corner was a little space that had a fake cash register set up with some empty boxes of things and fake fruit and cans, two tiny shopping carts and some paper bags. I was thinking that maybe every month I could interchange the area, one month it would be the grocery store play, next month it could be kitchen play — maybe not such gender-based play, I know little girls gravitate more toward that, but I might actually get some more traditionally masculine areas like a mechanic or fix-it area, a bank or hospital…"
Olivia couldn't help but to smile, he was entirely focused, talking his plans out loud. It was impressive to her. "A cop station," she nudged him.
"Yeah, a cop station," he smiled, registering her. As if just noticing for the first time he let his eyes fall over the plain blue dress that flowed over her frame, wearing the baby wrap over it where she continually rubbed Luca's back as he slept against her in a tiny little frog-like position. He put an arm around her shoulder as he fell silent, still looking around. "What do you think about that wall there— being a 'good work' wall— so maybe the kids pick something that theyve done each month that they're most proud of that they can showcase on the wall — and it will stay there for the whole month so they can show it off to Mom or Dad or whoever the caregiver is."
"I think that's sweet…" she replied.
She pointed to the space beneath the power board, "what about you put all the alphabet and counting charts down there, when they're sitting on the carpet they'll be able to look at it…"
"Yeah that's a good one," he agreed. "I also have my own store room," he glanced over at Lexi who was sitting all the dolls in chairs. He walked Olivia over to the small locked store room — "I'll keep everything that the kids shouldn't be trusted around locked up in here…" he told her.
"Okay baby," he spoke up to Lexi, "five more minutes of play and then we're going to pack away all of the toys and get some lunch."
Lexi looked up at her father and back down at the dolls, ignoring him. "Olivia smirked."
"I'm gonna take the photos now and then we can go to the craft store and get some stuff so I can start work I guess… I was thinking of getting the kids list from Sherrilyn and making their cubby labels but I'm thinking that might be a nice easy project on day one — learning to write their name and decorate their own labels."
"Aww yeah, that'll be nice…. Trev, I have to say, from an outsider perspective, I never really considered the planning process and the creative thinking that needs to take place for you to be successful with your students, I am impressed and to be honest, the effort you're going to is so beautiful. I promise I'll help you however I can."
"Awwwww," he grinned at her and kissed her lips. "Thank you, I really appreciate you."
She kissed him back and turned to Lexi, "come on sweetie, it's time to say goodbye to the dollies and put them away while Daddy takes some photos and we'll go and get something to eat."
"What we eat?," she asked, pausing, holding the doll in her arms the way that she'd seen Olivia and Trevor do. She gave them a suspicious look which made them both laugh.
"What would you like to eat? We could have some yummy fries or we could have a little bit of pizza…" Olivia thought, "or we could have some nuggets— what would you like?," she asked moving to closer to her daughter, taking a seat on the children's desktop. She ran her hand through her hair, "what would Lexi like?"
"Oh Mama, me have nuggets,"
Trevor smiled, "Well, I don't know…" he played as if he was thinking it over, "If Lexi wants some nuggets, she'll have to clean up all of those dolls just back the way that she found them and I'm just not sure if she can do that!"
"I do it!" Lexi told him a little desperately.
"I don't kno-owwwww," Trevor answered her.
"Oh nooo!" Olivia gasped, "You better show Daddy just how wrong he is and how quickly you can put away all these toys!"
"I do it quick!"
"Off you go!" Olivia smiled. She turned to Trevor and covered her mouth. She loved that they were on the same team. She ran back to the corner where she had grabbed the dolls and put them all back where she found them.
"Woooow Daddy was soooo wrong," Trevor conceded as he swept her up and kissed her cheeks, causing her to giggle, protesting and pushing him away. "Silly, Daddy huh? You did so good cleaning up, sweetie. We better go and get you some nuggets now, huh?"
She wriggled around in his arms with excitement. "Say, come on Mommy,"
"Come onnnn Mommy!," Lexi babbled, repeating Trevor's words.
Olivia got herself up from the desk and took Trevor's outstretched hand. They left the classroom and put Lexi back in her stroller where they had left it outside. "Okay, let's go, loves…"