This bit of madness was co-written by Coldfusion 180!

Cobra Commander: Just what we need. More people giving that lunatic ideas!

Cobra Persona: Storm Shadow

"Ohhh, it's about time I finally got out of the medical wing," Cobra Commander sighed in relief as several Cobras settled in the conference room. "Nothing like recovering from a pain-filled, near-death experience to make one feel alive."

"Thank goodness," Destro muttered as he slumped in his seat. "That's one experience I have encountered far too many times and hopefully never will again!"

"You really think that's going to happen?" Mindbender asked.

"I can dream, can't I?" Destro sighed. "So, to recap…we've made nearly every villain on the planet our enemy and they want to destroy us."

"Yeah, but we destroyed a lot of them," Zandar pointed out. "Or at the very least got them either in jail or the hospital."

"Either way it's a temporary measure at best," Destro groaned.

"Look at it this way Destro," Cobra Commander told him. "Our enemies tried to destroy us, but we turned the tables on them! Now most of our competition is out of our way!"

"For now," Destro looked at him. "Have you forgotten that super villains have this annoying habit of escaping jail? Frequently!"

"All the more reason to get a stronghold on the world before they get out!" Cobra Commander told him.

"Ironically that's not even the worst problem we have at the moment," Destro groaned.

Zartan remarked. "I'm assuming you're talking about the accidental global porn incident?"

"Give the man a kewpie doll," Destro drawled. "We made a lot more enemies with that one!"

"Oh, come on," Cobra Commander waved. "How many more could we have possibly…?"

Destro interrupted him. "Well for starters every right-wing religious group of every denomination and sect you can think of has denounced us. As well as every left-wing group and middle of the road group."

"Think of it this way," Zartan shrugged. "We brought all those people of different religions and backgrounds together."

"To hate us!" Destro glared. "Even those who worship Satan are calling for our heads. Apparently, it's some kind of licensing thing."

"Well, they weren't exactly going to be our friends anyway…" Cobra Commander waved. "It's not…"

"Did I or did I not say the words for starters?" Destro interrupted him. "There's more."

"Of course there is," Cobra Commander groaned. "Who else?"

"Every organized porn union there is," Destro remarked. "They're upset that we're trying to put them out of business."

"Right, who's going to pay money for porn when you can get it for free?" Zartan realized. "Guess they've never heard of the internet."

"Actually, they get kickbacks from…" Mindbender paused. "Never mind."

Destro went on. "We're also wanted by the FCC, The Department of Agriculture, The American Culinary Institute…Which means both versions of the CIA are after us. The Zucchini Growers of America, The International Zucchini Lovers Club, The Succulent Squash Gardening Club has put a bounty on our heads."

"I get it!" Cobra Commander groaned. "Look I clearly said in my message to the world via e-mail that Cobra was hacked! That we didn't intentionally send out that pornographic mess!"

"Strangely enough," Zartan gave him a look. "No one believes you. I know. Shocking."

"And I haven't even gotten to the Olympic Committee, the Swiss army and any other organization that's tied to our raid the other day," Destro added.

"Can we think of the positives?" Cobra Commander asked. "We just got a new addition to Cobra!"

"Elsa the Wicked Bitch of the West," Zartan groaned. "Where is she anyway?"

"She and our resident vampire our reconnecting," Crystal Ball explained. "In every room they can find."

"Oh God…" Cobra Commander sighed. "Anybody want to place bets on how long that will last?"

"Well, it can't last as long as Destro and the Baroness," Zartan remarked. "I give it a couple of months."

Mindbender nodded. "Yeah that's pretty much my theory as well. There's no way those two won't screw that up."

"Then we'll use her until she tries to kill us all," Cobra Commander waved.

"In other words," Crystal Ball quipped. "The usual policy that Cobra extends to all its employees."

"That goes without saying," Cobra Commander waved. "By the way where's our willing hostage?"

"Louis is down with the Dreadnoks," Zandar told him. "Apparently, he's never had grape soda and donuts before. His wife wouldn't let him eat any sweets so…"

Mindbender blinked. "Is it possible for someone to get Stockholm Syndrome before they get kidnapped?"

"Apparently," Cobra Commander sighed.

The Baroness walked in with Torch, Xamot and Tomax. "Well, it's official," She said. "We're now the most wanted terrorist organization on the planet."

"We're Number One!" Torch said cheerfully.

"Hoo-rah," Destro said sarcastically.

"We know about all the religious types and the zucchini lovers and the FCC…" Cobra Commander waved. "And the porn industry and the chefs…"

"And the IRA," Xamot added.

"Both versions," Tomax added.

"There's another IRA I'm not aware of?" Destro asked.

Baroness explained. "The International Ruminant Association."

"Ruminants? Why would they…?" Destro did a double take. "Is this about the damned giant goat?"

"Yes," The Baroness sighed. "And other livestock. Oh and PETA is out for our hides as well. They want us dead or alive. Ironically."

"There's also several complaints from Charmin and several other toilet paper brands," Xamot added. "Complaining that we have disrespected their product when we TP'd the Avengers' building."

Tomax added. "As well as the Plumber's Union for the toilet theft and toilet bomb incident."

Xamot went on. "The Sherman Oaks Homeowners Association has put a bounty on our heads."

"They can't prove that demon dragon had anything to do with us!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"They can and did," Tomax sighed. "Also the International Olympic Committee isn't thrilled with us."

"Okay I get it!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Everybody hates Cobra! What else is new?"

"How about going on a mission that doesn't end in extreme agony?" Destro snapped. "Because I'm sick of experiencing that!"

"I know one way to make sure you never experience it again," The Baroness glared dangerously at Destro. "By making sure you never experience anything again expect a long, agonizing death!"

"You're still mad I took the last of the medical wing's complimentary ice cream cups, aren't you?" Destro groaned.

"Along with the hogging the base's sole hot water bottle," The Baroness hissed. "I really needed that! Especially since it was that time of the month!"

"How were we supposed to know that?" Zartan asked. "From your behavior, every day is that time of the month for you."

"Shut up, Swamp Trash!" The Baroness snapped.

"Personally, I'm surprised," Tomax commented. "I would have thought you had passed the point of menopause long ago."

"Indeed," Xamot agreed. "Considering your current age is somewhere around…"

"Finish that statement and I'll make sure you both transition to a state of castration!" The Baroness warned.

"Never mind," The Crimson Twins gulped.

"Anyway," Cobra Commander wisely attempted to move on. "Despite Cobra's current state of medical care, or lack of it, it's good to see we have all managed to finally regain our health."

"Physically, anyway," Destro noted. "Mentally, however…"

"Even I can't solve a genetic problem like that," Mindbender said.

"Who could?" Zartan quipped.

"Be that as it may," Cobra Commander hissed at the continued interruptions. "Now that we're all physically capable again, we can focus on our newest attempt to rule the world!"

"And just what is that shiny new attempt?" Destro prompted.

"I'm confused on that too," Torch spoke up. "I don't exactly remember. You know I don't recall things very well when I'm sober."

"Or in any other state period," Zartan pointed out.

"We were going to start our own healthcare and health insurance company," Tomax reminded.

"Along with an associated hospital dramedy show," Xamot added. "To help highlight our new services and boost Cobra's image with the public."

"Something Cobra has desperately needed," The Baroness remarked. "Since practically forever!"

Cobra Commander agreed. "Cobra needs an image makeover! Especially after the Porn Incident. Which again, even I admit went too far!"

Zartan spoke up. "Does anyone else think it's ironic that we're going to take over the world using a health care system that we barely have ourselves?"

"That thought did cross my mind once or twice," Destro admitted. "Every day. Ever since we came up with it."

"Are we really still going ahead with that?" Zartan asked. "I thought MODOK put the kibosh on that saying that after the Porn Incident he was withdrawing his troops."

"He was but I managed to convince him that we just needed to lie low for a few months before trying it again," Cobra Commander grumbled. "That was not a fun conversation. You'd think a giant mutant head bent on world domination wouldn't be so judgmental?"

"Weird, isn't it?" Crystal Ball remarked. "That guy's done some pretty sketchy stuff himself. But then he gets some kids and all of the sudden he's Mr. Morality!"

Cobra Commander nodded. "Good, now that the hard part's out of the way, and we've all recovered from our minor burns and smoke inhalation…we can finally focus and get some real work done!"

Just then the conference room's main presentation screen roared to life. "Hello, viewers! Yes, it's time once again for a new episode of Cobra Persona!" Vapor said cheerfully.

"You were saying?" Destro gave Cobra Commander a look.

"Oh snake spit," Cobra Commander groaned sinking into his chair. "Not those two idiots again! Why don't they just die? Better question. Why haven't I killed them?"

"I bet you're all surprised to see us and wondering why we haven't died?" Vapor said as he and Zero appeared on the screen. "We often ask that very question ourselves."

"If only they would give a decent answer," Mindbender moaned. "Preferable one involving explosives and piranhas. Which I can supply by the way."

"I admit, things were getting pretty hairy for us for a bit," Zero said. "But we finally managed to rest, recover and come back somewhat as good as new."

"Yeah, our last guest really beat the heck out of us," Vapor agreed. "What was his name again? I don't remember…"

"SERIOUSLY?" Zandar shouted.

"That single-celled cerebellum can't even recall his own name," Mindbender snapped.

"Neither can anyone else," Zartan pointed out. "Mainly because we simply don't care."

"A sentiment I fully share about the rest of this stupid show," Cobra Commander snapped. "Let's just turn the bloody thing off!"

"That's the best idea you've ever had," The Baroness praised. "Not that it's saying much…"

"However, despite all the difficulties, we've worked really hard to prepare for our next show," Zero beamed proudly.

"Yeah, I bet everyone will be interested in this one," Vapor smiled. "Join us as we uncover the details about Cobra's most well-known yet most secretive member: Storm Shadow!"

"WHAT?!" All the Cobras yelled.

"Did they just say…?" Tomax gaped at the screen in shock.

"Oh yeah," A stunned Xamot gawked. "How did they…?"

"Oh no," Zartan blanched and began to sweat. "Oh no, no, no, no, no!"

"Those fools are going to babble about Storm Shadow?" The Baroness gasped. "Are they insane?!"

"Obviously," Destro's jaw was on the floor. "Though this time they've crossed the line of lunacy into complete and utter idiocy!"

"Storm Shadow is going to kill them both," Mindbender paled in horror. "Along with the rest of us by mere association! Not that he wasn't going to do that anyway but…"

"Oh no!" Cobra Commander shrieked in fear. "We're dead! We are all so very dead!"

"Thank God I'm already dead," Crystal Ball quipped.

"So, let's get started," An oblivious Zero smiled readying his notes. "Storm Shadow's real name is said to be Thomas Arashikage and he's originally from either St. Louis, Missouri or San Francisco, California. The exact details are kind of vague."

"Just like the contents of Vapor's and Zero's heads," Destro rasped. "Not to mention their senses of self-preservation."

"I'm more interested in ensuring my self-preservation!" Cobra Commander wailed. "I have to get out of here now!"

"Me too!" Zartan yelled. "I'm gone! As soon as my legs are able to move…"

"Huh, that's interesting," Vapor commented at the news. "You'd think a guy who can trace his family history through thirty generations of assassins would have a much cooler name that plain old Thomas or Tommy."

"A profession that Storm Shadow has continued to the present day!" Destro yelled.

"Or at least be born in Japan," Zero added. "St. Louis, seriously? Talk about lame."

Zartan yelled at the screen. "You'd be lucky if you only ended up lame by the time Storm Shadow gets through with you!"

"Those two fools must have death wishes," The Baroness was literally frozen stiff in fear and shock. "Both of them are certifiably suicidal!"

"Something I will definitely attempt myself rather than let Storm Shadow get a hold of me!" Mindbender whimpered.

"L-let's not overreact," Xamot gulped.

"Maybe Storm Shadow won't find out about this?" Tomax gasped hopefully. "It is possible right?"

"Are you crazy?! Storm Shadow will definitely find out about this sooner than later! That's if he hasn't already!" Zartan's eyes began nervously checking out every shadow and corner. "Storm Shadow is a master of the Ear That Sees! He hears everything…"

"Oh dear. You're right," Xamot blanched. "We are definitely doomed!"

"Yes, Storm Shadow is said to be an authentic, bona fide ninja," Vapor stated. "At least that what we've heard. Neither of us have ever actually met the guy."

"And you certainly should never want to!" Cobra Commander shouted. "Though I have a feeling that's going to change very, very soon!"

"We did try to find out a little more about Storm Shadow by asking some of Cobra's other members of long standing," Zero said. "Though they all seemed to have mysteriously vanished soon afterward…"

"Something that might happen to the rest of us at any moment!" Mindbender cried. "And not in a good way!"

"Why are we not running away?" Torch gulped.

"Nevertheless, our sources all say Storm Shadow possesses absolutely awesome-mad ninja skills," Vapor went on. "He can scale sheer walls with his bare hands and feet, move with beyond blinding speed and endure unspeakable amounts of hardship, suffering and pain."

"And he can also deal them out!" Zartan gulped. "Especially those last three!"

"Storm Shadow's an expert master at the use of a long bow, samurai sword, ninja sword, throwing stars, nunchaku sticks, pretty much any weapon really," Zero continued.

"Skills which he is more than willing to demonstrate," Tomax blanched. "On anyone foolish enough to tick him off!"

"He's also an eighth-degree black belt in five different martial arts," Vapor added.

"And a ten-degree black belt in half a dozen others!" Xamot paled.

"Yes sir, as a ninja Storm Shadow is a silent wraith with a razor-edged blade in one hand and a scaling-grapple in the other," Zero went on. "He can penetrate the most sophisticated defenses and leave without a trace."

"That's exactly what we're afraid of!" Cobra Commander shrieked.

"Yep, Storm Shadow is a truly one-of-a-kind mystic swordsman, spy, assassin, acrobat, quick-change artist and conjuror," Zero added.

"One of him is more than enough!" Zartan wailed. "When it comes to our life expectancies it is also one too many!"

"I dunno. Personally, I find all this legendary ninja stuff kinda hard to believe," Vapor said skeptically. "Isn't it all just a bunch of wild exaggerations and overhype?"

"If only!" Mindbender whimpered. "Then there would at least be a chance of us getting away from this ill-fated seppuku attempt with our lives!"

"Well, duh," Zero said giving Vapor a look. "Most people will tell you that ninjas don't exist. That's exactly what ninjas want you to believe."

"I believe we're all as good as dead!" The Baroness yelled. "The likelihood of which increases by the second if those fools don't stop talking!"

"Na, that's a load of hooey," Vapor waved. "The great ninja assassin clans disappeared over hundred years ago."

"But if they were wiped out, nobody took the credit for it," Zero pointed out. "And if they're still around, who are they working for?"

"You don't want to know," Destro gulped. "Trust me!"

"Come to think of it, I'm not even sure this Storm Shadow guy is still a member of Cobra," Vapor went on. "Is he in semi-retirement or something?"

"If he was, he certainly isn't anymore!" Zartan cried. "He's undoubtably sharpening his sword blades and readying his array of throwing stars as we speak!"

"Probably still ticked off about the whole brainwashing thing," Crystal Ball remarked. "Oh and Zartan murdering his master and framing him for it."

"Thank you, Captain Recap!" Zartan glared at Crystal Ball.

"Man, I wish we could meet him face-to-face," Zero said. "Then we could interview him and ask more questions about his personal life…"

That was the exact moment when the conference room screen suddenly went dead. Along with every other light and power source in the room. "Oh crud," Mindbender whimpered. "He's here!"

"Oh no!" Cobra Commander shrieked bolting out of the room in terror. "COBRA! RETREAT! RETREAT! RUN FOR YOU LIVES! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

"Wait for us!" Destro yelled as the rest of the Cobras turned on some emergency flashlights and frantically followed after him.

"To the ship!" The Baroness yelled.

"What about our troops?" Tomax asked.

"Leave them!" Cobra Commander ordered.

"What about the other Dreadnoks?" Torch inquired.

"Definitely leave them!" The Baroness shouted.

"What about the alcohol stash?" Mindbender gasped.

"Uh…" Cobra Commander stuttered. "Well, maybe that last one would be worth risking our lives for…"

Violent sounds of stabbing, shredding and destruction suddenly echoed through the base along with a roar of terror- and pain-filled screaming. "On second thought ,forget it!" Cobra Commander shrieked running off. "Even I'm not that crazy!"

"No kidding!" Destro yelled as the Cobras frenetically attempted to escape.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" The other Dreadnoks along with Louis caught up with them in the hallways.

"Why are we running?" Louis shouted.

"You don't want to know mate!" Torch shouted. "JUST RUN!"

"TO THE SPACESHIP!" Cobra Commander screamed. "WARP SPEED GET US OUT OF HERE!"

"Look on the bright side," Mindbender gasped. "At least this undoubtedly signals a final end to the series of stupid shows put on by those idiots Vapor and Zero."

"That may be," Cobra Commander cried. "If only it didn't also undoubtedly signal an end to all of us!"