7: Heart to heart

I sat outside on the porch steps, arms once again wrapped securely around me, my face turned up to the sky so the light rain could collect on my face and drip down like tears. It helped a little to feel like I was crying after so much sobbing without the tears.

Inside, I could hear the others arguing in hushed tones. Despite my newly super enhanced hearing, I couldn't quite make out what was being said. Instead, I was focused on Edward's footsteps as he cautiously stepped outside, hesitating in the doorway.

"Am I always going to be like this now? Sad and angry and broken?" I asked, blinking the rain from my eyes so it could run down my cheeks.

"We're not that unchanging. You'll find a way to heal, move forward from this, with or without our help," he paused and I suspected there was an unspoken with or without me. "Rosalie did."

"What happened to Rosalie?" My thoughts drifted back to her comments, that her human life had ended brutally, that she didn't get to see her family again.

Edward sat down on the step, a foot away from me, and shook his head, "that's her story to tell. But she was a… terror, for lack of a better word, for a while. Now, she's mostly even keeled."

"What…" I started, my thoughts getting side tracked again by my sudden shift in mood. "Why can't I seem to hold onto an emotion? One second I'm sad, the next angry, and back again. My thoughts keep running around and I grab one just to be sidetracked by another," frustration flared again.

"There's much more space in a vampire brain, and everything just… moves faster. It's worse when you're a newborn, but like most things, it gets easier to manage with time. Likewise, it's also incredibly easy to get fixated on something for years or decades at a time without any other thought breaking through." Edward explained. I could feel his eyes drifting from my arms around my torso to the rain dripping down my face, his expression twisting with pain.

"I know I've said it a hundred times already, and I'll say it a thousand more—I'm sorry, Bella. I broke your trust not just in me, but in the whole family. I was wrong. I knew I was wrong as I did it, and I did it anyway. Even if you forgive me, I don't know that I'll ever forgive myself for leaving and hurting you like that."

"Did you know? Did they?"

"Yes." He had the common sense to look ashamed.

"Then why?" I couldn't keep the hurt and accusation from my voice.

"When we first met, Alice saw you either dead, by my hand, or you becoming a vampire. When I realized I love you, the futures where I killed you disappeared, but the others remained, became stronger."

"And you hated this, that I'd become like you."

"Yes." I opened my mouth to reply, but he held up his hand. "Not because I don't want to be with you for eternity; selfishly, I have never wanted anything more. I never wanted you to change because it's another kind of death. One where you wouldn't get to see Charlie, go to college, fall in love, have children, grow old, and live a normal life."

I let that sink in. I don't think we had ever truly talked about his reticence in turning me before; I was finally understanding.

"You wanted marriage and children."

"I was seventeen," he chuckled. "I hadn't started to think like that yet. All I cared about at that point was fighting in The Great War. But had I lived… I suppose so, yes. Especially if you were alive then, too."

"Is it something you want now?"

"I never wanted to get married until I fell in love with you. In all my life, I never met anyone I felt that way about."

"Marriage," I scoffed, thinking of my parents. "I've never seen the point. It just ends in divorce."

A languid smile spread on Edward's face. "Vampire marriages tend to be a bit more… lasting, than human ones."

"And what about kids?" I asked softly, avoiding his gaze.

He hesitates. "Vampires can't have children."

"That's not what I asked."

His hesitation is longer this time, the silence heavier as I can see him trying to choose the right words.

"I… again, it wasn't something I thought about when I was human. I never really thought about it after turning, either, and didn't understand Rosalie's desire for children. But when I met you…" he shrugs. "I wanted a life, a real, human life, with you, with all the trappings: marriage, kids, grandkids, growing old together. It has made me resent what I am even more, not just because I finally saw a life I desperately wanted, but because you loving me would mean it's a life you could never have, either." Edward's shoulder's slump, his head dropping into his hands.

"I know you're going to say I'm too young, I haven't experienced enough, as a human I could change my mind… but I have never seen myself having a kid. I basically raised Renee, I lost a lot of my own childhood because of that; I didn't want to lose my adulthood, too." I scooted closer to him and rested my head on his shoulder. "Besides, If you weren't a vampire we wouldn't have each other now." Slowly, his arm wound around my back, his fingers pressing gently into my hip.

"No, I wouldn't," he agreed, planting a light kiss on the top of my head. "I was stupid and arrogant to fight against it, to fight fate. To finish answering your why," his arm dropped away to allow me an escape if I needed it. "After your birthday, seeing you hurt again because of me, all I could think about were the ways I would continue to hurt you without meaning to. You know how strong we are now, how easy it is to destroy something without thinking. So I thought… the only way not to hurt you was to not be around you. I asked Alice what would happen. She saw you depressed, but eventually moving on. Living. Happy. All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy and alive."

I sat up so I could turn to face him, taking his hands in mine.

"My heart might not be beating anymore, but I'm still alive. I'm holding your hands, talking to you, in love with you. How is that not being alive?" As I searched his face my thoughts sidetracked yet again and I reached up to cradle his face, my thumb brushing the dark purple bruising under his eye. "You must be so thirsty," I murmured. "When did you last hunt?"

He laughed a little, brightening some.

"You are alive. You are so alive. You're making me think I might be too, afterall." He removed my hand from his face and pressed a kiss to the back of each hand. I noticed for the first time that his touch was warm and soft, rather than the cold, stony feel I had been used to. "I'll go hunt with Jasper while you discuss with everyone else what the plan is. This way he can't manipulate anyone into a decision and I won't make any choices for you."

"No," I shook my head. "I don't want you making decisions for me, but I do want to make them with you. I want to be partners, equal partners."

"Partners," he smiled.

I had missed his smile, his touch, so much. I was finally feeling whole again. I leaned in and pressed my lips to his, reveling in their warmth and softness and that my lips held their own shape instead of molding completely to his. Edward responded enthusiastically, pulling me to him, his hand pressing into the small of my back. My mind filled with fireworks, taking in every sensation possible from this one simple kiss, craving more. My lips parted as I threw my arms around his neck and straddled his hips. Every movement of our lips, each point of contact, sent my body aflame with a different type of hunger. He pulled away suddenly, breathless from excitement.

"If I don't go hunting now, I don't know if I ever will," he breathed.

"Go. I'll be here," I said, shamelessly extricating myself from his lap. I couldn't resist one more quick, though much more chaste, kiss.

"I love you," he beamed and was off running, calling out for Jasper to join him. This time, I was able to see him as he ran into the woods. This time, I didn't feel the need to chase after him.