Disclaimer: SVU and all of its characters were created by and are the property of Dick Wolf. I make no profit with this story, which is my own original work.
The first morning Elliot woke in the bed next to Olivia with both of them covered up with the lighter blankets, he found himself in a similar predicament as the day before. Unlike yesterday, however, he wasn't panicking, knowing instinctively that his partner wouldn't hold him responsible for his body's biological reaction to her proximity. If he were being honest with himself, he still felt the tiniest amount of apprehension, but the conversation he and Olivia had shared the night before had gone a long way in reassuring him that she wasn't pushing herself beyond her limits. Not that he had thought she purposely would, but his experiences on the job had taught them both that it happened far too often among women in similar situations. However, Olivia had affirmed her tantamount trust in not only him, but more importantly herself. There were no expectations, only a mutual understanding of the ever evolving bond between them.
Even though his intention hadn't been to disturb the slumbering woman next to him, Elliot's spiraling thoughts had that precise effect. However, Olivia was neither annoyed nor angered that she had been awakened earlier than planned. If anything, judging by the tone of her voice, Elliot was willing to wager that his partner was amused.
"What have I told you about thinking too loudly this early in the morning? It's a good thing we balance each other out so well. I don't know what would happen if we both went off the rails at the same time."
Appreciative of the fact that Olivia was including herself in the mix with her explanation that she, too, had her moments when she could be hyper fixated, Elliot was equally grateful of the levity she was introducing – along with a hearty dose of honesty. It was absolutely true that they had always balanced one another out, even during the course of their years together on the job. Whenever one of them had found themselves too close to the edge, no matter what the driving emotion, the other would pull them back from the brink. Even now, they still existed within those same patterns, albeit in a much more unique and intimate way as their relationship continued to grow.
"Sorry, Liv. I'll try and do better. But you're right about that, at least. We do have a knack for balancing each other out. We always did."
Before Elliot had a chance to ask if Olivia were ready to get up and start the day, she rolled over and cuddled more closely against him, nuzzling her nose into the juncture between his neck and shoulder.
"I guess that answers my question."
Olivia laughed softly.
"I know my bladder is going to protest before long, and demand that I move, but right now I don't want to. I'm far too comfortable."
"Take as long as you need. We still have some time before we have to get ready to leave, and knowing you as well as I do, I'm certain you packed your gym bag last night."
Olivia waited a few beats, before clapping back with her own rejoinder.
"Are you trying to tell me that you didn't?"
"Touché. You've got me there, Liv. Why don't we just admit that we both know each other a little too well for our own good?"
"Fine."
Now Elliot was truly afraid. He wasn't sure if his partner was actually agreeing with him, or if this was the deadly response of 'fine' that all men dreaded. Wisely deciding that his best option was to change the subject entirely – even though he was certain Olivia wasn't actually angry with him, he switched to the topic of the morning meal.
"So, what did you want to do for breakfast? I know you prefer to eat lighter on mornings we go to the gym, but you also like something that will keep you fueled for your swim. Did you want me to make something here, or would you like to grab a bite while we're out?"
"Let's save a few bucks and eat here. I realize we're not hurting financially, but I thought maybe we could put some money aside and splurge on something big in the near future. I'm not sure what just yet, but we can always figure it out. As for what to eat, I thought maybe we could keep it simple. How does avocado, toast, and a poached egg sound?"
Elliot smiled, then added his own comment.
"That does seem to be one of your favorites. I can make that, no problem. As for your other idea, I like the way you think. Obviously we don't have to make any concrete decisions just yet, but I'm definitely open to some brainstorming."
"Deal."
Before either of the partners could say anything else, the alarm from Elliot's cell phone sounded from the bedside table. He rolled partway to silence the offensive device, without fully relinquishing his hold on the woman in his arms.
"I guess that's our cue. Also, I probably should have mentioned it before now, because I wasn't sure if you remembered or not, but I have an appointment with Lauren this morning, too. Same time as you are seeing Lydia. I hope that's okay."
"That's fine. I'm sure some part of my brain did retain that information, but with Fin and John having been here, it slipped my mind."
"No worries. That's likely what I'll keep doing, to make it more convenient. Unless we have a joint session, I'll make our appointments at the same time."
"Makes sense."
Reluctantly, Olivia rolled to the side and got up, then padded over to the dresser to get her clothes for the day. She didn't even need to ask Elliot if he wanted the bathroom first, knowing instinctively that his chivalrous nature would shine through and he would insist that she take her turn while he got started on their breakfast. Likewise, neither of them were planning to shower this morning, instead waiting until after they had finished at the gym. It would make for a faster routine in getting ready, which Olivia preferred. She preferred to take her time eating, so as not to have to rush.
"I'll meet you downstairs in a few minutes."
"No problem. I already know you'll want to help, so I'll let you make the toast, while I handle the eggs and coffee."
"Sounds good to me."
By the time they arrived at the medical office building, there were still plenty of extra minutes to spare before either of their respective appointments. Even though Olivia had encouraged him on the drive over that it wasn't necessary, Elliot had still walked with her to the entrance of Lydia's waiting room, and even lingered for a few moments. It was clear he was reluctant to leave, even though he had his own session with Lauren to get to.
"Are you sure you don't want me to come in and wait with you for a bit?"
"El, go. You're still considered a new patient. You don't want to set a bad habit of being late. I'll be fine. I am fine."
Elliot hesitated only briefly, and it was clear to Olivia that her partner was weighing the choice of his next words very carefully. Studying him with a slightly arched eyebrow, she nodded her head, indicating that he should speak the words on his mind.
"It's nothing, bad, Liv, at least not in the way that you're thinking. It's just that is the first time that I've heard that particular phrase from you and not only believed it, but known you were being truthful with me."
Feeling warm all over, Olivia was equally emotional, and had to blink rapidly several times in succession in an effort to keep the tears that threatened to fall at bay.
"Elliot Stabler, I swear, if you make me cry in public, I will kick your ass right here in this hallway."
"Noted. Sorry, that wasn't my intent. I guess what I was trying to say is I'm just so damn proud of you and how far you've come."
Leaning forward, Elliot pressed a kiss to Olivia's cheek, promising to meet her in the downstairs cafe after each of their appointments. Rendered temporarily mute, the brunette could only nod, then watched as her partner headed on his way. With fumbling fingers, she managed to get the door open, and she headed into the waiting room to check in at the receptionist's desk.
A short while later, she was sitting on the comfortable couch across from Lydia, filling her psychiatrist in on what had transpired since her telephone check in the day before. Not for the first time, Olivia began to wonder if fifty minutes would truly be long enough to go over all the topics spinning around her mind, and she was once again amazed at how she ever could have been so resistant to therapy, because now she couldn't imagine her life without it. Elliot had been right – she had come a long way – in more ways than one.
"Olivia, this is the second time you've mentioned that you've woken up in the morning so close to Elliot where you've been aware of not only his body's reaction to your proximity, but likewise your own response to it. You mentioned that your predominant emotion on the subject to be one of relief, but is there anything else you may be feeling in regard to the reemergence of your libido?"
Even though she had been expecting the conversation to follow this particular line, Olivia wasn't necessarily one hundred percent prepared for it. True, she had mulled over this exact question in her mind during her bath the night before, and again while studying her image in the mirror, a method to try and reclaim her dominance and control over her own body. Yes, things were starting to happen again, feelings and emotions that had lain dormant for so long that she had often wondered if she would ever feel them again. But the beauty of what was happening now is she didn't feel pressured – not even by her own incessant need to push herself. There was nothing but a quiet calm, a patience to let things happen in an organic fashion. Yes, perhaps she was somewhat anxious to push forward in certain aspects, such as wondering when would be the right time to reveal her scars – but Olivia was well aware that the only person feeling the need to rush things there was herself and her own insecurity.
"Olivia?"
Suddenly aware of just how long she had ruminated over the question asked, Olivia turned her attention back to her psychiatrist. She swallowed the apology that was on her lips, inherently understanding that it was not necessary. Allowing the gentle prompt to give her the confidence she needed to answer, Olivia's voice was strong when she spoke.
"Not necessarily in terms of my libido, but yes. I took a bath by myself last night – which may not sound unusual, but you'll remember my having mentioned that Elliot and I had started sharing that particular ritual, as a method of comfort sometime around when the anniversary of my trauma happened. It wasn't that his presence was unwelcome, but rather I felt a need to reclaim something, I just didn't know it at the time."
"What do you mean?"
Once again, Olivia cursed her trauma-addled brain and disorganized thought process. She longed for the ability to return to her former self, just if only to possess the mental acuity to clearly voice all her thoughts into coherent sentences instead of the jumbled up pieces of a jigsaw puzzle where they existed inside her head. It was one thing to speak in a stilted fashion when talking to Elliot, they'd had their own language for so long, that he didn't even have to try and translate to understand what she was trying to tell him. But her working relationship with Lydia – however comfortable – was still so inherently new, and they didn't have that same easy rapport. Even so, Olivia decided she would give it her best shot at explaining herself, and hoped she might make some sort of sense.
"I wanted to reclaim my body. Yes, I've seen my reflection before since what happened, I've cataloged the scars and I've watched them change in shape and color as they've healed. But I'd never truly accepted them as a part of me. There was always a disconnect, as though I were seeing them on someone else's skin and not my own."
"That is a strong step forward. I know I don't have to explain to you the reasons why you were feeling what you were, because you understand the logic behind it, but I'm going to do it anyway. I think you just might need to hear it. It was a perfectly normal reaction. That disconnect you spoke of was a coping mechanism."
Nodding her agreement, Olivia continued.
"I've never considered myself to be a vain woman – and I know I never will be one, but what happened left me shaken. More than just the physical pain left behind by what was done to me, there was the emotional trauma. If I no longer thought of myself as beautiful, how was anyone else ever going to?"
"But you said that changed?"
Wiping away a stray tear, and uncertain at what point she had even started to cry, Olivia surged ahead.
"I realized that even though the scars have changed the landscape of my body, they are also a testament of what I have survived. I'm not saying that I'll ever love them, because I'll always wish that they weren't there, but I can learn to accept them, only as they mean that I'm still here and still fighting to tell my story."
Even though she felt as though she should be more forthcoming, Olivia held back one other aspect – the fact that she was currently considering revealing her scars to her partner. She hadn't yet made a decision on the matter, and she was well aware that Lydia wouldn't influence her in any particular direction, other than to trust her instincts and do what she felt best. Just as with Elliot, there was no pressure, and it wasn't as though Olivia were even sure of what she wanted yet anyway. Already this conversation had been incredibly emotionally taxing, and the session wasn't even halfway through. Allowing herself the briefest breaks in terms of respite, she wondered how her partner was faring in his own therapy appointment, and took a few precious extra minutes to center her breathing back within normal ranges.
As Olivia continued to work her way through her current struggles with Lydia, Elliot was in the middle of battling his own internal issues. Under any other circumstance, the way Lauren was questioning him might annoy him, but he truly appreciated her demeanor and the fact that she wasn't letting him evade the subject at hand. Much like his partner, this woman seemed particularly immune to his defensive nature and tendency to avoid the more sensitive topics, although admittedly he was trying to get better at it, especially where Olivia was concerned. Currently, he found himself combating several emotions, and were it not for his extensive experience discussing such topics so openly on the job, he'd likely be more embarrassed.
Torn between feeling like a horny teenager who was unable to control his own hormones, and a traitor who was constantly betraying the woman he loved, Elliot was well and truly a mess. The logical side of his brain – with the voice of reason that sounded remarkably like his partner – reminded him continually that he'd not crossed any lines or done anything wrong, but his sense of propriety continued to argue otherwise. What he hadn't been expecting was for his counselor to play devil's advocate with him, although once the questioning started, Elliot immediately realized that was precisely the sort of argument that he needed.
"So, Elliot. You tell me that you are experiencing these feelings of guilt in regard to your body's physiological response to your partner's proximity that happens while you are asleep. Even though Olivia herself has told you that you have nothing to be sorry for."
"Yes. But I still crossed the line."
A pensive expression crossed the woman's face for a moment, before she spoke yet again.
"So, are you saying you decided to start sharing her bed without her consent?"
"What? No!"
Holding up both palms in a gesture that immediately put him at ease, Elliot was instantly contrite, but a glance at the woman sitting across from him told him that no apology was needed. Just as Lauren had intended, he understood what the psychiatrist had been referring to. Despite his conscience and his mind trying to infer otherwise, he hadn't done anything improper. He had only ever begun sharing a space with Olivia at first purely by accident, and then after that at her insistence. It was only because his partner had found that his presence had a calming effect – and likewise her for him – that she had asked him to continue to stay.
"Talk to me, Elliot."
Realizing that he had gone silent yet again, Elliot ruminated over the tumultuous thoughts in his brain for a moment, this time in an attempt to find a way to best voice what he wanted to say. In the end, he came to the conclusion that it didn't really matter if he made much sense or not, he could always explain himself or clarify things after the fact.
"I never intended to share a bed with Olivia when I started staying at the cottage. Actually, there was a time not long after I arrived that I pissed her off to the point that she kicked me out. But she had medical emergency not long after that, and ended up in the hospital for a few days. It took some time, but we patched things up, and although it wasn't easy, she learned to trust me again."
Licking his lips, Elliot continued.
"You might even say that our relationship is still a work in progress even now. I hurt her terribly when I walked away from her without a word back in 2011, and I still don't feel that I deserve her forgiveness, but she's granted it just the same. We've come so far, and I'm committed to doing everything in my power to make sure that I can be the partner she deserves."
Lauren digested that confession, then repeated a reiteration of a question she had asked only moments before, but this time, there was less weight attached to it.
"So, how did things change to find the two of you in the situation you're in now, if you don't mind my asking? Because as much as you seem to appreciate the intimacy of it all, and I can also tell how much you acknowledge how important it is not only to you, but Olivia as well, I can see that it is taking a toll on you."
"The first time happened completely by accident. Olivia was distressed one day and wanting a nap, but also not wanting to be alone. I had offered to read to her while she relaxed, as that always seemed to calm her. I respectfully stayed above the covers, not wanting to intrude or make her uncomfortable. Completely unaware of how tired I was myself, I dozed off, too."
The memory was as fresh in Elliot's mind as though it had only happened the day before. But what he remembered so clearly was that aside from the initial moment of disorientation, Olivia had not been panicked to find him in her bed. If anything, her primary reaction had been a sense of peace and calm, as though she drew a source of comfort. The same could be said for what had happened in recent mornings when he had woken up in an obvious state of arousal and his body pressed so intimately against hers. While it was an immense relief to know that his partner was not frightened of him, he still could not reconcile with himself the idea that he'd betrayed her.
"Has Olivia said anything about this?"
"We've talked about it, at her insistence. She specifically mentioned that I hadn't crossed any lines, and that she could never be scared of me."
Lauren changed her position slightly, folding her palms together. Elliot had a feeling that whatever question she posed to him next would not only throw him for a loop, but knock the breath from his body completely.
"And has Olivia ever given you reason to doubt her before? At least when it comes to her telling you the truth about her word?"
There it was. The statement that Elliot had known was coming, as effective as a punch to the gut. Still, he weighed the words carefully. Yes, there had been times in the past when he had doubted Olivia, but only because she had been omitting things or using those two classic words – 'I'm fine' – as a thinly veiled attempt to avoid his concern, or to protect him. No matter how much she had done that on previous occasions, Elliot was well aware that was not what his partner was doing now. Not only because they had made a vow of honesty with one another, but also as he knew her better than anyone else. Their conversations had never been as raw and open as they had been in recent days. Even without Lydia to act as mediator during their joint therapy sessions, their communication was the best it had ever been.
"Not when it comes to this. I guess I should probably listen to her."
"Sounds like it. Not that you should ignore your own internal voice entirely, but in this particular instance, I think it's leading you astray."
Feeling as though a massive weight had been lifted off his shoulders, but knowing he still needed to talk with Olivia before the guilt would disappear completely, Elliot was finally able to breathe a bit easier. While he hadn't come around entirely, he was starting to see the benefits of individual therapy – although he would never regret the joint sessions he and Olivia had started together. Now that he had found Lauren, it was becoming even more clear that there was still more work he had to do to improve himself, and that perhaps all the animosity he had held toward psychiatrists previously had been misplaced.
"Well, we're almost out of time. I'm glad to see you opening up a bit more with me, Elliot. I want you to keep telling me about your sleep routine and your eating habits, too. So much of that plays a role in mental health. I still don't think that we need to discuss putting you on any medication at this point, but if you notice any changes in your mood, please let me know. Also, remember that self care is important, especially when you are taking care of someone you love. Make sure that you are going to your meetings regularly and checking in with your sponsor when you need to."
Ordinarily, the reminder to take care of himself would have been annoying or even infuriating. But now, Elliot saw it as necessary. If they were here, Cragen, Fin, or John would have given him the same advice, and he tried to think of it as such.
"I will. Plus, I know Liv would kick my ass if I didn't. As much as I take care of her, she keeps me in check, too. It's very much a two-way street."
"Glad to hear it."
Olivia was already waiting for him in the cafe downstairs by the time Elliot made his way to the lowest level of the medical office building. However, his partner didn't appear impatient or annoyed in the least, not that he had expected her to be. She was merely sitting at a table and scrolling through her phone. Not wanting to startle her completely, he slowed his approach until she had glanced up again and saw him walking toward her before advancing even closer, a smile overtaking both of their features as they saw one another again.
"Hey, Liv."
"Hey, yourself. I thought about getting you something to drink, but I wasn't sure if you'd want anything before going to the gym."
"I'm good. That is, unless you were wanting something?"
A thoughtful expression furrowed Olivia's brow, and Elliot could tell she was taking his question seriously.
"I wouldn't mind something, but part of me is afraid you'll think I'm crazy for suggesting it."
Although he was briefly confused, it didn't take long for Elliot to figure out exactly what his partner was referring to. After all, the menu here wasn't that extensive, so he reasoned that Olivia had to be talking about wanting a smoothie – and given the sheer amount she had to drink during her struggles when she was dealing with a limited appetite, he could understand why she was apprehensive. However, cravings were just that, and couldn't often be explained.
"I would never think you crazy, Liv. I'm guessing you're wanting a smoothie, and knowing you as well as I do, probably a mixed berry one at that. What do you say we get one and split it?"
The smile, along with the look of relief with which he was rewarded told Elliot everything he needed to know. Since he had yet to sit down, he leaned over and pressed a kiss to the crown of his partners head, promising he would go and place their order, and as soon as he returned, they could head on their way. He was well aware that no matter how comfortable Olivia was with seeing Lydia, she didn't want to spend any more time than he did in this particular building. However, before he could get too far, a grip on his hand kept him from leaving.
"El, just a second. Do you mind if I head out to the car and wait for you there?"
"Not at all. Here, take the keys, I'll be out in a few. Did you want anything else other than the smoothie?"
"No, that will be plenty. I don't want to sink to the bottom of the pool."
Laughing, Elliot resumed his journey toward the counter. As he waited for his turn, he tried not to let his concern for his partner dominate his thoughts. But, he'd be lying to himself if he didn't take into consideration the fact that Olivia's hastiness in leaving the building was far greater today than it had been in the recent past. Logic dictated that her session must have been an emotional one – just as his had been. Knowing that now wasn't the time to broach that particular subject, at least not until they were back within the safety and comfort of the cottage, Elliot decided to bide his time and wait.
Once he was back in the parking lot, he found Olivia in the passenger seat of his vehicle, the engine already running and the radio tuned in to one of her favorite stations. Having already thought ahead and sent a message to alert her of his impending arrival so as not to startle her when he opened the door, she had a smile on her face when he slid in and passed the smoothie in her direction so he could put his seat belt on.
"One mixed berry smoothie. Next up, as long as you still want to go, the gym."
"Of course. Something else I was meaning to talk to you about, that just crossed my mind while I was sitting here, is that I don't want you to feel obligated to stick to the pool with me today. I know that isn't usually your thing. You typically prefer strength training."
"Liv -"
Olivia held up a hand, which she knew Elliot could see in his peripheral vision even though his attention was focused on the road in front of him.
"No, El. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate everything you've done for me and all the ways you've offered your support. One of these days, I may even join you for a weight circuit like we've talked about. But for now, I prefer the low impact stuff, unless it's something like sparring between the two of us. However, I wouldn't say no to a short burst of side by side cardio on the treadmills before we go our separate ways."
Where he normally would argue, Elliot saw what his partner was giving him. In granting him the space to do his own thing, she was also reclaiming something for herself, and there was no way he could deny her the freedom that would give her. Even so, he was still relieved that Olivia was still suggesting they spend some of their time at the gym together.
"I like that idea. If you think you can keep with me, that is."
Olivia snorted with laughter, nearly choking on her sip of smoothie in the process.
"Are you kidding me? With your knees? You could barely keep up with me when we were partners. I doubt you've kept a regular routine of running since you've retired. Now the weights – I know you haven't neglected those – but running has never been your favorite."
"You've got me there, Liv. You'll probably kick my ass again, as you always do."
"You said it, not me."
Passing the smoothie over, Olivia seemed to realize that Elliot intended for her to have the lion's share, and she seemed more in line with their original plan to divide the portions in a more equal fashion. Realizing he should have known better than to have been able to get one over on his brilliant partner, even though her appetite had long since returned to normal, Elliot took a healthy drink, commenting on the pleasant taste of the beverage.
"We'll be at the gym soon. It shouldn't be too crowded this time of day."
"Sounds good."
When they arrived at their destination ten minutes later, the last of the smoothie had been drained, and Olivia had worked out the details in her traitorous brain as to how to deal with the logistics in terms of dealing with her own personal issues of the locker room and changing. Before, she had already had her swimsuit on and ready in preparation for her workout and swim, but she hadn't wanted to put it on so early this morning. Thankfully, now that she was more familiar with the gym, she knew what areas of the locker room were more secluded and would afford her more privacy – not that she expected people to stare. That was more her own poor self esteem talking. As annoying as it would be to have to change twice, she really didn't want to work up any sort of sweat while wearing a swimsuit, so Olivia decided she would do her treadmill workout in a pair of capri leggings and a loose fitting tee shirt. Under any other circumstance in public, she'd conceal her body further by wearing one of Elliot's hoodies, but the last thing she wanted to do was risk overheating and making herself sick.
"Liv?"
Flushing with embarrassment, Olivia realized that her partner had likely called her name several times before she had responded. Relieved when he didn't make a big deal out of the fact that she had zoned out, she focused her attention on him fully.
"Yeah, El?"
"I'll meet you by the water fountains outside the locker rooms in a few?"
"You've got it."
If Elliot noticed that she had pilfered from his wardrobe yet again, and it was so obvious that she had, considering the way the NYPD tee shirt fit her, Olivia loved that her partner chose not to comment. At this rate, she probably wore more of his clothes than her own, and they were both aware of it, but Elliot simply did the laundry and put them away as though it were a normal occurrence.
"There you are. I thought maybe you were looking for this. Your water bottle ended up in my bag somehow, so I went ahead and filled it up for you."
"That's exactly what was keeping me for so long. I thought I was losing my mind – not that it would be that difficult these days. Thank you."
The duo fell into step side by side, their footfalls easily matching one another. They soon reached the row of treadmills and found two open machines. Having already discussed on the drive over that they would keep their cardio to a set time limit of fifteen minutes, with no planned distance or pace – merely whatever was comfortable for each of them personally – they entered their information onto the keypads and started out. Since she would also be getting some extensive cardio while swimming laps, Olivia kept her pace to more of a brisk walk, not wanting to overtax herself or her body.
"Damn, Liv. Even when you're taking it easy on yourself, you're still kicking my ass."
"I told you before, El. Your knees aren't made for running."
"Why do you think I always avoid leg day?"
Laughing, Olivia picked up her water bottle and took a drink before replying.
"Not today, because I want you to get back to the strength training and weights I know you enjoy, but you are still welcome to join me in the pool sometime. It would be low impact for you, old man."
"You're going pay for that comment later, Benson."
"If you say so."
Looping an arm around Olivia's shoulders, Elliot gave his partner a half hug.
"I know you won't be able to keep your phone on you since you'll be at the pool, but I'll have mine on me. Did you want to just send me a message when you were done, or would you rather plan a time to meet up in a bit?"
Olivia drew her lower lip into her mouth, worrying it between her teeth. It had become a habit of hers in recent weeks, one that Elliot wondered if she was even aware that she had adopted.
"Maybe we can each take about ninety minutes? Will that give you enough time to complete a circuit? Obviously we'll still need to shower after and all, but neither of us take that long, so if we figure on meeting back at the car in two hours total, that should give us plenty of breathing room."
"Sounds good to me. I'll see you then. Enjoy your swim."
"Go make all the guys younger than you jealous."
Elliot was still chuckling to himself as he headed up the stairs to where the weights were – but secretly flattered by the compliment.
After changing into her suit and grabbing her towel, Olivia found herself in the mostly deserted pool area, save for the presence of one other female swimmer. Relieved to not be entirely on her own, and that her sole companion was not of the opposite sex, she found herself a lane a respectable distance away and lowered herself into the water. Once she had used the kickboard to make her way back and forth across the length of the pool a few times as a means of warming up, she started swimming laps, gliding gracefully across the water.
Just as it happened previously, the time passed quickly, and while the workout elevated Olivia's heart rate, it was not excessively taxing on her body. Perhaps this was why she had chosen swimming as her workout of choice. She wasn't punishing herself the way she first had when she initially arrived in Cape May and had been running at an almost relentless pace, desperate for whatever sort of escape that excessive exercise could offer. Now, there was something healing to be found in the attempt, first discovered in the sparring sessions Elliot had invoked, and now here in the pool.
Toweling off so she wouldn't track water into the locker room, even though she was only going to get wet all over again when she took a shower a few moments later, Olivia headed to collect her toiletries. Grabbing her bag, she headed to claim a shower stall for herself. More grateful than ever that she had purchased a shampoo with the capability to combat the effects of chlorine damage, she washed her hair twice before conditioning.
It was only a brief case of nerves that inspired Olivia to check her phone to ensure she hadn't gone over on time once she exited the shower – even though she knew Elliot would never complain about waiting for her. Still well within the time frame, she opted to remain within the small changing area to dress instead of heading back into the locker room where she'd have more space. Once she was sufficiently clothed, she returned to where the large mirror and bank of outlets were and plugged in her hair dryer. Making quick work of her shoulder length tresses, she tamed the still saturated tangles into a manageable style.
As it so happened, Olivia ended up exiting her locker room at the same time that her partner left his. They were yet again so in sync that quite literally almost ran into one another, and likely would have done so if Olivia had been looking at her phone the way Elliot was engrossed in his.
"Watch where you're walking, partner."
"I'm sor- oh, it's you."
"What, I don't get an apology?"
Instantly chagrined, Elliot quickly reversed tactics and amended his sentence.
"I didn't mean that. Of course I'm sorry I almost ran into you. But I also know that I have the entire drive home to grovel."
"You're just saying that because you know I can kick your ass."
"You're not wrong."
Whether it was because he was trying to be gentleman, or because he was till trying to make amends - maybe a bit of both – Elliot reached out and eased Olivia's gym bag from off her shoulder and placed it over his own. Come on, Liv. Let's head home. It's been a long morning. We can discuss plans for lunch on the way back."
"I like the way you think."
As had been decided upon in the car, upon their return to the cottage, Olivia headed to toss her swimsuit in the gentle cycle of the washing machine, just as eager to get the chlorine out of the fabric as she had been to wash it from her own body and hair during her shower at the gym. Meanwhile, Elliot made his way to the kitchen to get started on the preparations for the midday meal. While never his first choice, he would never say no to a salad, and had certainly finished more than enough of Olivia's during their years working together as partners. Plus, knowing that it wasn't going to be simply a plate of assorted vegetables, but also include various proteins as Olivia had suggested the classic favorite of a chef salad, Elliot knew that the end dish would indeed be quite filling. Plus, his partner had certainly taken his heartier appetite into consideration, and suggested they make it a lunch combo, by pairing the salad with either a soup or a sandwich. Knowing Olivia as well as he did, Elliot didn't hesitate to defer to the former.
While Elliot had been busy focused at the wheel, Olivia had taken it upon herself to open up the mobile version of their saved recipes, allowing them to use the drive back as an ample opportunity to brainstorm. In the end, they had opted for something called Asiago Broccoli Cheese soup, a slight twist on the more traditional variety that simply used only cheddar by adding the slightly nutty Italian cheese as well.
Now, the approach of footsteps told Elliot that his partner had joined him in the kitchen. Having already set out the necessary ingredients for the salads on the center island, he was busy by the stove working on the soup. Even though he knew better, he still didn't want the woman who had just entered to think she was being ignored, so he called out a greeting over his shoulder.
"Hey, Liv. As you can probably tell, I'm working on the soup. I've also got the oven preheating, so let me know when you need to toss in the bread for the homemade croutons. Also, I left the recipe out for you on the tablet, but I wasn't sure if you were wanting to go with the homemade dressing, or if you preferred store bought."
Just as Elliot was, it appeared Olivia had every intention to carry on a conversation while she worked. Picking up the knife, she began chopping the head of iceberg lettuce, talking as went.
"Actually, if you don't mind, I was thinking I might bring back out that Dijon Vinaigrette recipe that Owen showed us during my very first cooking lesson. I think it would pair well with these salads."
"Sounds good to me."
Considering the fact that they were having a pairing for their meal, Olivia purposely didn't make the salads as big as if they would have been the main entree, although she did ensure that Elliot's portion was large enough to satisfy his appetite – especially after his workout. Once the beds of lettuce were in the bowls as the main base, she worked diligently to add the rest of the ingredients that her partner had set out for her. One by one, tomatoes, cucumber, black olives, bell peppers, and hard boiled eggs were included to the base. Finally it was time to add the rest of the proteins, and in true chef salad fashion, Olivia diced some smoked turkey and ham. The final touch before adding the croutons was to add a sprinkle of freshly shredded Swiss, that of course included some light-hearted teasing about the safety of knuckles when it came to the use of the box grater.
"You're never going to let me forget that, are you El?"
"Not anytime soon, no."
"I'm not saying I want you to get hurt, but just wait until you have a mishap."
"Wasn't kicking my ass in sparring on multiple occasions enough?"
A slow grin spread across Olivia's features as Elliot turned to face her.
"You have a point."
With the bread for the croutons finally ready to go in the oven – they were making a double batch to use for both the soup and the salads – Olivia turned her attention back to the task at hand. Elliot had informed her the soup was almost ready, so she knew now would be the best time to make the dressing. Had she started any earlier, there would have been a risk of it separating, and that was the last thing that she wanted.
As it happened so many times when they prepared a meal together, but divided the duties, the partners finished at the same time. Elliot was just ladling the soup into bowls as the dressing came together. The only thing left to do was to take the toasted croutons out of the oven and add them to the finished products.
"Hey, Liv, why don't you let me handle the last of the plating and bring everything to the table while you get us sorted with drinks? Unless you were wanting something else, there should be a fresh pitcher of iced tea in the fridge."
"No problem. Iced tea sounds great right now. Are you sure you can manage everything?"
"It might take me two trips, but trust me, I've got it."
Knowing better than to argue, Olivia filled two glasses. True to his word, her partner joined her a few moments later. Once he was also seated, the two began to eat, and it wasn't long before Elliot also started up a conversation.
"So, tell me about the gym today. Was the pool crowded? I hope you got to enjoy your swim."
Taking a sip of her tea, Olivia picked up her fork and began sifting it through her salad, mixing through some of the dressing.
"I did. It came as a great relief that there was only one other person in the pool with me today, and a woman at that. I hadn't realized until I got in there just how much it would have unnerved me if I'd have been alone with a guy. I guess that is something I'll have to add to the list of things to talk to Lydia about."
It didn't escape Elliot's notice the way Olivia's voice changed as she admitted that particular detail to him, or the way she averted his gaze when she normally kept direct eye contact. Feeling his heart crack from even the slightest hint of that self deprecating tone, he was determined to do whatever he could to alleviate it.
"Yes, it would be good to mention it, but Liv, your concerns on that matter are valid. It doesn't make you any less to say that something makes you anxious. You are still the bravest woman I've ever known."
At first, Elliot feared as though perhaps he had said too much, especially when he saw the tears shining in his partners eyes. But when Olivia reached a hand across the table to grab hold of his, and held on tight, he knew that it was gratitude that she was feeling, and not a more upsetting emotion.
"Thank you for that. I thought I was past that point, but I guess I might still need you to remind me of that from time to time after all."
"I'll tell you that as often as you need to hear it."
Just as he had in the car, Elliot sensed that Olivia needed a bit of a reprieve, so the pair lapsed into a companionable silence. Once they were finished eating, he made the offer to handle cleanup. When the brunette opened her mouth to protest, he gestured with his head toward the stairs.
"You still have your laundry from the gym to finish, let me take care of this, plus it's not as though there is much to worry about, because we both cleaned up our messes as we went along. If you'd like, maybe later this afternoon, we can see about baking something? I'm sure your sweet tooth craving will be kicking in, and we'll have to come up with a new treat to keep it satisfied."
"As much as I hate the fact that you're right, I have to agree. Although, I don't know how much longer we're going to be able to do that. With the weather getting warmer, we might have to start resorting to some no bake alternatives for summer."
With a glint in his eye, and mischievous grin, Elliot responded.
"That is a challenge I look forward to accepting."
In addition to her laundry, Olivia had a few other things to see to, so by the time she was done, her partner had also completed his chores in the kitchen. However, given that Elliot was thoroughly engrossed in his phone when she joined him on the couch in the living room, Olivia highly suspected that he was up to something – again. On the off chance that he was simply interacting with one of his kids, she opted not to interrupt, and sat by quietly until he was finished. Either way, she reasoned she wouldn't have long to wait until she learned exactly what was going on. Just as she had guessed, following a chime from the device in his hands – which sounded suspiciously like the tone heard upon receiving confirmation of an order placed online – Elliot directed his attention back toward the woman sitting beside him.
"So, I hope you don't mind, but I may have taken some initiative and made some plans for our sweet treat for later."
"That all depends on what you planned."
Grinning Elliot shook his head. He should have known that would have been her reply.
"Smartass. What I meant to say was, I briefly glanced through our saved recipes for something simple, because despite what we may have promised each other, I'm not sure I'm in the mood to bake today after therapy, and I'm willing to wager you aren't either."
"You know me too well."
Wrapping an arm around Olivia's shoulders, Elliot pulled her more closely against him, pressing his lips against her temple when she brought her legs up to the side and leaned into his body.
"What I did find, however, was a recipe for a basic strawberry shortcake – one that uses glazed donuts in place of baked biscuits or cakes."
"That sounds amazing. So I'm guessing what I just heard was you contacting the one bakery in the area that will deliver here and ordering a supply of donuts?"
"Now its you who knows me to well."
Chuckling softly, Olivia turned her head into the crook of her partner's neck, breathing in deeply. Just as she had, Elliot had showered after the gym, and she was so glad he had remembered to reapply his cologne he always wore. Briefly, the thought crossed her mind that one of these days she might need to reimburse him for the steady supply he needed to keep lately of that particular fragrance, but she tried her best to dismiss the somewhat intrusive thought. Instead, Olivia chose to focus her energy on the more calming techniques she had been learning in therapy.
"You with me, Liv?"
Humming an indecisive response before recognizing that it would be less concerning if she answered with a reply that was more affirmative, Olivia searched her brain for the right words.
"I am. I guess I didn't realize until you said something about it that my session with Lydia today was as taxing on me as your session with Lauren was for you. It wasn't even overly traumatic, just draining. Don't get me wrong, the gym helped, it provided a great outlet, but I think I've reached my limit."
"Did you know that's the second time today that you've said I was right about something? Might set a new world record."
Pulling her head up from it's resting place on her partner's shoulder, Olivia honed her gaze direct with Elliot's blue irises and arched one eyebrow in such a way that it made him gulp audibly.
"I don't believe I said a word about you being right. Maybe that first time, but not just now."
"Perhaps not specifically, but you intimated."
Elliot didn't think it was possible, but that impeccably groomed eyebrow inched up ever higher, and he knew he was really pushing his luck. Even so, it was fun to be in a place now where he could tease Olivia like this again, and she always gave as good as she got. However, of all the outcomes Elliot was anticipating, a concession was not among them. Nonetheless, he was delighted when his partner's lips brushed his cheek before she tucked herself back against his side, resuming her previous position.
"Maybe I did. I don't want you getting too used to it, because I don't plan on making it a habit, but I can certainly admit to it on the rare occasions that it does happen."
Laughing – even though the comment had been at his expense – Elliot pressed an answering kiss to the crown of Olivia's head. He loved having the banter back with this woman, it filled a part of his soul that had been empty for some time during those years he had been away. Even though he hadn't been seeing her for very long, that was a recurring topic during his sessions with Lauren, and he was grateful for his psychiatrists patience on that particular subject. The guilt was something he still carried with him, and probably always would.
Even though the delivery that arrived a few minutes later was welcome, both of the partners couldn't help but resent the interruption to their time together. While they hadn't said much about it to one another just yet, Olivia had spoken about the desire for increased intimacy between them at length with Lydia that morning, and Elliot had likewise told his own counselor that he would not object if his relationship with his partner were to evolve further – while making certain to stress that he would never put any pressure on Olivia to step beyond her comfort levels. He was all in, and his heart was bound to his partner for the duration, so whether it took five months before she was ready for something more, five years, or if she never got to the point of anything more physical than what they already shared, he wasn't going anywhere ever again.
"You can stay here where it's comfortable, Liv. I'll get the door."
"Nonsense. You've sparked my curiosity now, Stabler. You have to see this through."
Elliot knew she was telling him the truth, but he was also equally aware of why she didn't follow him to the door, but instead chose to hung back a bit. Just because she hadn't explicitly elaborated on the subject, he was well aware that the very idea that she could have been alone with a man today in the pool instead of a woman still had Olivia rattled, and the possibility was still nagging at the back of her mind. Not wanting to bring up an unpleasant subject, he decided to offer the next best thing – a distraction.
Carrying the box of baked goods that he had ordered into the kitchen, Elliot found Olivia waiting for him. She had also jumped a few steps ahead, and taken the strawberries out of the refrigerator.
"I don't know what all you have planned, and you never did tell me what all you bought. Knowing you, you likely have something else in those boxes besides just donuts. I was thinking we could save the strawberry shortcakes for after dinner tonight, but maybe get the fruit sliced up now to save time for later."
"I like that idea. Also, you're absolutely right. I got half a dozen of the glazed donuts, some chocolate croissants we can indulge in for breakfast tomorrow, and to stave off your sweet tooth for now, I thought you might like a mini lemon angel food cake."
"Perfect."
By splitting the two pound package of strawberries evenly between them, the partners finished the chore of cutting them down to size in almost no time at all. The more difficult debate was whether or not to leave the fruit in its natural state, or to add a small amount of sugar to allow the berries to macerate in and draw out their juices. In the end, Olivia's argument that the donuts, combined with the whipped cream, would provide plenty of sweetness won out, and they were left as is.
"Why don't you head in and get something ready for us to watch, Liv, but only if that's what you want. If you prefer quiet, I totally get it. I'll be in to join you as soon as I plate up our angel food cake."
"No problem. I'm definitely on board for some entertainment. Not that I don't enjoy just sitting in the silence with you, but if I do that any longer, I'm going to drive myself mad."
Deciding to save Elliot a trip, Olivia grabbed two bottles of water from the fridge on her way, depositing the container of strawberries they had just finished cutting up on the shelf in return. Padding into the other room, she was gradually becoming more resolved than ever in the plan that was formulating in her mind. One of the first pivotal steps forward in her recovery had been to accept her own reflection. Tonight, she would show her scars to her partner, and perhaps, continue to heal herself in the process.
As the rest of the afternoon waned into early evening, Olivia was more than grateful for her partner's previous suggestion they spend the remainder of their day in a low key fashion. She did, however decline his offer that he take on the lion's share of the dinner preparations. Not that she wasn't grateful for what Elliot wanted to do for her, but rather because she loved the time spent beside him in the kitchen cooking together. In keeping with the theme ever since they had returned home, their last meal was just as simple as the others had been, the two having opted for a standby favorite instead of searching through their collection of recipes for something new to try.
In the same way they had for lunch, Olivia and Elliot had also agreed the easiest method of splitting the chores for dinner would be to divide and conquer. That was how the former found herself busy at the center island, prepping a small platter of toppings while keeping an eye on the sweet potato fries that were cooking in the air fryer. As for her partner, he was currently outside minding the turkey burgers on the grill. If they had timed things correctly, they would both finish with their respective tasks in the next five minutes, give or take.
As it so happened, their habit of being completely in sync ended up proving itself yet again. Just as Olivia had dumped the piping hot and perfectly crisp sweet potato fries into a serving bowl, Elliot was coming through the door with the platter of cooked burgers in his hands. In lieu of using more traditional tableware tonight, they had opted to use paper plates and other disposable items. Plus, if ever there was an excuse to do so, a night using the grill made for the perfect time.
"Here you go, Liv. I hope you don't mind. I cooked up a couple extra burgers. I thought even if we didn't eat them tonight, we could always reheat them tomorrow for lunch."
"I like that idea. I don't know if I'd put it on a bun, but I'm sure we could find a way to change them up and make them into something a bit different."
"That's what I thought you'd say. Its also why I only put cheese on two of them. Don't worry, I remembered you prefer cheddar on yours, and kept the pepper jack that I like far away."
With a smile, Olivia rested her hand over top of Elliot's.
"I know you're only teasing, but I want to assure you I wouldn't have complained. After sharing a living space with you all this time, some of your food preferences are starting to grow on me. I'm sure you could say the same thing about me. Who knows, maybe one day, I can even get you to like sushi."
"Don't push your luck, Benson."
Knowing nothing more needed to be said on that particular subject, Olivia merely smirked, picking up a fry and taking a bite before chewing, the mischievous smile still lingering on her face.
Dinner was mostly a quiet affair, and given the thoughts swirling in Olivia's head, she was grateful for the relative silence. It wasn't that she was necessarily fearful of whatever may transpire later, although she couldn't quite silence that niggling sensation in the back of her mind. However, the more sound voice of logic reminded her that her partner would never show her anything but kindness, compassion, and empathy during a moment of complete and total vulnerability such as the one that she was planning. Rather, it was more a fear that her own courage would abandon her and she would have to drum up the nerve all over again on another day, especially after having spent so much time hashing things out with Lydia this morning. Not only that, but even the personal breakthrough she'd made regarding her own reflection. She'd already come face to face with her own image, now it was time to reveal herself to the one person she trusted above all others.
"Liv?"
Startling at the sound of her partners voice, as well at the realization that this wasn't the first time he had called her name, Olivia glanced to the side to find Elliot standing next to her. Embarrassed that she had zoned out on him yet again, she frantically tried to deduce what it was he could have asked so he wouldn't have to repeat himself. Thankfully, the empty plate in front of her, combined with the ones already in his hands made the answer easy enough to figure out.
"Yes, I'm finished. I'd ask if you wanted help with the dishes, but since we're mostly throwing them in the trash tonight instead of washing them, I'm guessing I already know what you'd say."
"You'd be right about that. But, I do have another question for you. Were you wanting the strawberry shortcakes now, or would you rather save them for a little bit later?"
Considering the fact that she couldn't even imagine eating another bite at the moment, that one was a whole lot easier to answer.
"Definitely later."
"No problem."
Not long after the kitchen had been put back in proper order – not that it had taken long – the partners were back in their customary spots on the couch in the living room, picking up where they had left off in their ongoing watch of one of their favorite series.
Olivia wasn't even aware that her anxiety had been outwardly obvious, at least not until she felt Elliot's lips brush against the crown of her head from where she was reclining against him. That simple gesture, combined with the tender way he was combing his fingers through her shoulder length chestnut tresses, calmed her instantly. They also equally steadied her resolve, and brought forth another idea that she didn't dare put voice to – not until after she had done what else she had planned.
As the evening waned on into night, and one episode of their favorite show lapsed into another, and yet another, Elliot was keenly attuned to the fact that his partner was not fully present with him. Wisely, though, he chose not to mention it aloud, the only thing preventing him from doing so was his intuition that she was merely deep in thought and not otherwise in any sort of distress – be it emotional, physical, or psychological. However, he did hope that whatever was so clearly captivating Olivia and keeping her so distracted would be something she might open up to him about before they both succumbed to sleep for the night. If not, he feared her slumber might be troubled by disturbing dreams, and that was the last thing he wanted for her.
In his efforts to keep his partner as calm as possible, Elliot had continued with his ministrations, his lips resting against the crown of Olivia's head and his fingers raking through her hair in a slow, steady, rhythm. Even lost as she was to her own confusion, Olivia was still aware of not only her partner's attentiveness toward her, but likewise his own mental gymnastics as he tried to deduce what was going through her mind and how to best be of help. If she weren't gripped by a sudden and overwhelming case of anxiety coupled with nervous excitement over the potential outcomes that might unfold once she and Elliot were to head upstairs in the next several minutes, Olivia reasoned she might just start laughing from the way they were so in sync.
Although moving was the last thing she wanted to do, because there was nothing more comfortable than resting nestled so comfortably here against Elliot's chest, Olivia knew she had to seize the moment. Bracing her hand against her partner's shoulder, she levered herself into a more upright position. Instantly alert, Elliot's eyes searched hers, full of a silent concern before moving on to a simple question.
"Were you still wanting that dessert tonight, Liv?"
"Actually. I was thinking maybe we could head upstairs early. That is, if you don't mind. There are some things I'd like to talk to you about, and it's been a long day. Perhaps we could splurge and have them for breakfast tomorrow morning. As long as we eat healthy for the rest of the day, it shouldn't be too bad, right? I mean, fruit is included."
With a grin, and a sheer look of relief on his face at the way Olivia had involved some levity into her statement, Elliot got to his feet. Extending one hand in a silent gesture, he likewise helped Olivia stand.
"You head on up. I'll join you in a few minutes, after I've taken care of everything down here. I'd offer to make you tea, but I'm guessing you're not quite ready for that yet."
At his partner's affirmative answer, Elliot padded toward the kitchen, watching out of the corner of his eye as the brunette began to ascend the stairs. He had no idea what it was she wanted to talk to him about, but whatever it may be, he would listen attentively. After making sure that all the doors were securely locked and that the television was turned off, Elliot stopped back off in the kitchen one last time. Olivia may have said she wasn't ready for tea as of yet, but he considered that some water may be appreciated. Grabbing just one bottle for them to share, he made his way up to the master bedroom.
When Elliot crossed the threshold, he was expecting to find Olivia sitting propped up in bed. It was her customary position for when they had conversations. Instead, she was standing in the center of the room, her hands clasped in front of her, and she was worrying her lower lip between her teeth. Just as they had earlier in the evening with her more aloof than usual behavior, alarm bells started to go off in Elliot's head. A myriad of worries swam through his brain, ranging from the benign to the most extreme. It wasn't until he began to advance further into the room – with the intent to move forward and embrace his partner – when Olivia raised a hand in his direction, halting him in his tracks.
"El, wait. It's not that I don't want you to comfort me, but if you do that now, I'm going to lose my nerve. I told you that I wanted to talk to you, and I do, but it's more than that. I'm going to need you to stand where you are, and not ask questions – at least not right away. Can you do that?"
More confused than ever, but intent on giving Olivia whatever it was that she needed, Elliot nodded his agreement. With a gesture that communicated his intent, he tossed the water bottle onto the bed, then stood still to await whatever was about to happen next.
The lighting in the room was muted, with only the nightstand lamps shining, combined with what filtered out from the open bathroom door. That wasn't unusual, however, as they rarely used the overhead fixture, finding it too harsh and overly bright. Elliot still wasn't sure what to expect standing a few feet away from his partner, but he remained still, even when she shifted awkwardly before raising her hands to the hem of her shirt. It was then that he realized her intent, and briefly occurred to him to stop her, but when he made eye contact with the woman who meant so much to him, a fierce look of determination combined with one that commanded his silence made any words of hesitation catch in his throat. It wasn't until Olivia had removed not only her – well, his – shirt, along with the knit pants she had been wearing, and her hands fell back to her sides did he dare to let himself look anywhere other than her unwavering gaze.
Elliot would be lying to himself if he said he had never before imagined a moment like this one, one in which his partner had bared herself to him. In his fantasies, the situation was always much different, and he couldn't allow himself to travel down that particular road. Much like when Olivia had asked him to share her bath in recent days, there was nothing overtly sexual about this particular encounter. Instead, it spoke about an insurmountable vulnerability that went beyond anything she had ever shared with him before. Yes, It was true that Olivia had spoken in great detail about the atrocities that had been done to her at the hands of William Lewis. She had even granted her permission for Elliot to read the her most private files, and allowed him to join in on her therapy sessions. She had cried on his shoulder, and exorcised many of the demons that haunted her. But this, this was the ultimate testament of trust.
Knowing he couldn't leave her alone in silence, Elliot stepped forward. He took Olivia's hands in his own, and raised her knuckles to his lips. Well aware that his next words might not be believed if he didn't speak with total sincerity, and even then, the niggling of self doubt might make her believe otherwise, Elliot was determined to make sure she believed his words.
"Olivia, you are beautiful."
Olivia opened her mouth to argue, but Elliot merely arched one eyebrow as though to silently refute her, and she backed down almost immediately, giving a small nod of acceptance. True, it wasn't how she had imagined things, either. Her matching heather gray cotton bra and boy short with white floral print, while clearly feminine, wasn't exactly overtly sexy by any means. Her lingerie these days was chosen more for practicality, functionality, and comfort, the scars that had been left behind still too irritated by the lacy undergarments she once used to favor.
"Thank you."
Elliot could have gone on holding Olivia's hands indefinitely, but he didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable or pressured. At the same time, he was reluctant to severe the connection. So he compromised, slackening his grip, and instead linking their index fingers together. Yet again he noticed the hesitation in his partner's eyes, and this time, he didn't ignore it. Prompting her gently, he encouraged her to open up to him.
"Talk to me, Liv."
With a shaky exhale, and a constriction of her hand that resulted in her tightening the hold of her grip on Elliot's fingers, Olivia found her voice.
"I'm sure you're probably wondering what prompted this, especially tonight. The truth is, I've been wanting to show you my scars for some time, I just didn't know how. It wasn't until I really looked at them myself last night that I knew I was ready. But it's more than that."
"What is it?"
Not trusting her legs to hold her up any longer, Olivia stepped back to perch at the foot of the bed. She pulled Elliot along, encouraging him to sit beside her. Unbothered by the fact that she was still in her undergarments and her partner was fully clothed, she pressed on.
"What I'm going to need to say, I can't have you interrupting me until I'm finished. I know you're going to want have input, and I want to hear you, I do, but I have to get this out before I lose my nerve."
Already keeping his word, Elliot merely gave a nod of encouragement.
"It's no secret that we've been growing closer since you started staying here, helping me with my recovery. I've loved your support, even if I haven't always shown it. And I know we've discussed our feelings, but I'm also aware that you've been keeping a distance out of respect for me. I'm not saying I'm ready for an actual relationship in the physical sense, but I would like some more moments of affection with you."
Elliot's surprise was evident, but Olivia hadn't noticed, she was so focused on saying everything she needed to.
"That was one of the reasons I wanted to show you my scars. I felt it was only fair that you see everything, because while I know you would never treat me differently, seeing someone as a friend and being attracted to someone are two completely different things. And my body will never be the same."
Before she could pick up her rant, Elliot held up a hand.
"Liv, stop. I said it before, and I meant it. You are beautiful. The scars don't change that. Yes, I hate that they bother you, and I hate what happened to you – I would give anything to change that, but we both know I can't do that. But you survived. And I will forever be grateful for that."
Even though she hadn't been starved for oxygen at all, Olivia felt like she could breathe for the first time she had removed her clothes. No matter how much she had known what Elliot's reaction would be, seeing and hearing it in real time had been incredibly cathartic. But nothing could have prepared her for what her partner did next.
"I would love nothing more than to be your partner, Olivia Benson – in every sense of the word. As far as the physical aspect is concerned, we'll move completely at your pace, with no expectations on my part. Also, I want you to know how much you mean to me. You have been equally supportive, and I want you to know that."
Getting to his feet, Elliot turned to face Olivia where she still sat on the bed. He removed his shirt, leaving his sweats on for the time being.
"You're not the only one with scars, Olivia. Some of mine you already know, from the times on the job I was shot, and what happened with Stuckey. But there a few others that you might not recognize. One is when Paul and I were working with someone who came to work drunk one day out in California, and didn't properly handle a nail gun. For the record, the time Dana shot me hurt worse."
"I remember all of those, save for the one you just mentioned."
Elliot gently tugged Olivia to her feet, holding her hands in his again, but keeping a respectful distance between their bodies since they were both in a state of undress. He was mindful of his earlier promise, and didn't want her to feel pressured into any sort of forced intimacy that she wasn't ready for. Much to his surprise, it was his partner who took the initiative, wrapping her arms around his waist and resting her head against his chest. Willing his body not to respond at the close contact, Elliot held Olivia close, and pressed a kiss to the crown of her head.
"Thank you, El. For everything. I think I'm going to skip my bath for tonight, the tea, too. I'm very tired, and I'd just like to go to bed."
"Not a problem. Is there anything else you need?"
"Do you mind if I use the bathroom first?"
Elliot didn't mind at all. The two took their turns, and a short while later were under their respective covers on the bed. Laying on their sides facing one another, it occurred to Olivia that there were a few things she had forgotten to ask, but she shoved that to the side for the following day – save for one.
"Hey, El?"
"Yeah, Liv?"
"I'd like it if we could start sharing blankets, but maybe gradually work our way into it."
Elliot was quiet for several seconds, but the silence was not uncomfortable or awkward.
"We can do that. Truth be told, there have been more than one reason why I've been hesitant to share, and it's not just about protecting you. I didn't want to have any fights over the covers."
Laughing, Olivia snuggled more closely against Elliot, savoring the intimacy of the moment. She hadn't explicitly said the words out loud earlier, but her partner understood her so inherently well, she hadn't needed to. Yes, the prospect of physicality in a relationship was still daunting, but the idea of intimacy – that unique closeness with someone who knew her better than anyone else – was something she craved. She wanted to be held, she wanted the small gestures of affection.
"Olivia?"
Not aware that she had become so lost in thought, Olivia pulled herself back to the present, meeting the blue eyes that were staring so intently into her own chocolate irises.
"Yes?"
"I know I said that we would go at your pace when it came to the physical, but I wanted to ask you something. If you don't feel comfortable, you can always tell me no. May I kiss you? I just want to feel a connection with you tonight, but if you're not okay with that, just say so."
Olivia felt her cheeks flush, and a warm sensation that flooded her body all the way down to her toes. It wasn't fear. It was want. She was still a long way from being ready for anything more, but she wanted – needed – Elliot to kiss her.
"Please."
Elliot's hand came up, and his palm cradled her cheek. Somewhere in the back of her mind, gratitude registered with Olivia that he hadn't gripped the back of her head, which she knew would have inadvertently made her feel trapped. Instead, she felt enveloped in an embrace, the gesture soft and tender. She closed her eyes, her last coherent moment of awareness having noticed that her partner had done the same. When his lips met hers, it was a feather soft touch, gentle as a whisper. There was no effort to deepen the kiss or take it any further, and it remained chaste, lasting only a few seconds. When Elliot drew back, he placed a second, even softer kiss against her cheek before granting her personal space once more.
"I meant what I said, Liv. I'll never ask for more than you're willing to give. I also was sincere when I told you that you're beautiful. I've always thought that about you. I wanted you to know that. Come on, we both could use some rest."
When Elliot had reclined against his own pillow, extending his arm. Olivia followed, assuming her usual position with her head resting on his chest and her arm wrapped around his waist. Neither of the partners had spoken a word, not wanting to ruin the magic of the moment. Instead, they relied on their silent communication, Elliot enveloping Olivia in his customary embrace. The lights had already been extinguished for the night, and the television tuned in to something soothing, the volume low but not overly distracting.
"Goodnight, El. I know you think the words aren't necessary, but to me, they are. Thank you for everything today. It means the world to me, on so many levels. I don't know what waits for us next, but I'm glad we're going to be figuring it out together."
With the sound of her Elliot's heartbeat echoing in her ear, Olivia was the first to succumb to sleep, her breathing evening out and her exhales coming in regular intervals. For his part, Elliot was still very much wide awake, his brain trying to process the events that had transpired since they had come upstairs earlier. He had always known his partner was brave, but she never ceased to amaze him. What she had done tonight had been incredible, and spoke volumes about the steps she had been making in her personal recovery. Moreover, he was deeply honored for what had been asked of him – even if his own self esteem issues didn't necessarily make him feel worthy. However, he was determined to spend the rest of his days proving to the beautiful woman by his side that he would never fail her again. The physical scars they both bore on their skin may be permanent, but they were continuing to heal ones beneath the surface together.