KATANYA AND HER GOD: SCINTILLA ANTHOLOGY VERSION (2011)
Humorous moments in the developing relationship between Katanya and Arceus. Originally posted in the "Tales from the Tempest" collection.
MOMENT 1: HELLO, I AM YOUR DRIVING INSTRUCTOR!
Perhaps it was due to dwelling in the modern-day Garden of Eden, but as a child, Katanya always dreamed of fields with iridescent flowers. Beneath a lilac sun, their petals would glitter like opals, and they would permeate the meadow with the fragrance of grapes. Yet one day (night?), this idyllic paradise was rudely intruded upon, with Him arriving in a whirling ball of white fire, burning those flowers to cinders. The wind became thick with the odors of incense and myrrh, and in her mind, even years later, this hadn't had the makings of a blessed visitation.
But in that moment, with her nose wrinkling at the smoke, she yowled, "You - you killed my flowers! Who the heck burns flowers, Mister Comet?"
As the blaze faded, the deity peered at her in amusement. "I am God. Now, child, you and I need to have a little chat-"
"You're God?" The girl crossed her arms at that, making it evident how skeptical she was about that notion. If this was God, then she was hardly impressed; after all, He looked like the mutant bastard of a wolf, a wolf who'd decided to play with his food in naughty ways and had then forgot to eat it!
The so-called god blinked in surprise, unused to this form of skepticism. It was one matter if someone didn't have faith because they'd never seen Him or His work; but when He appeared before them, they typically knelt in awe and worship, instantly being converted to His following. Had His entrance not been flashy enough? Perhaps He should add some lightning bolts in the future. With a cough, He uttered, "Er, yes, I am. Now would you allow Me to-"
But the child wouldn't listen. "Why do you have a wheel sticking out of your sides?" she asked, blatantly ignoring Him. This was, after all, her realm, and she didn't intend to do anything she didn't want to while in it. Listening to Him ramble qualified as boring, and hence, wasn't something she was disinclined to do.
The intruder's eye appeared to twitch in irritation. "That is the Wheel of Fate. Now if you would please stop interrupting!"
Azure, impish eyes gleamed up at Him. "Cool! Can I steer it?"
Steer the Wheel? Steer His Wheel? A droplet of sweat trickling down the back of His skull, He growled out, "Absolutely not! If you did so, you would change the course of the Earth's destiny, and-"
He might as well have tossed gasoline on the flame of her curiosity. "Really? Awesome! I'm so gonna try it out!" And her little rear waggled as she crouched and prepared to leap.
He began to scramble back at this, an expression of horror contorting His face. This was why He never showed Himself to children! "Don't you dare! Kitty…kitty, wait, don't you poun - gah! H-hey stop trying to turn the freaking wh - ah! Why you little - it's not a prop, damn it, stop this instant, that hu-! Ah! Owowowowowow – stop! I demand that you stop that this instant!"
She paid Him no mind. "Oh, lookie! I can see all the visions at once holding this thing. Hey, there's world peace over that way! Let's go there-"
In vain, He tried to resist. "No, stop! You're fucking with the Master Plan! OW!"
She giggled like a devil at that. "Yes, because You've written the script oh-so-well. Oh, if we go over that way we can save the wild animals from going extinct. Let's go there! I wanna have a cheetah for a pet!"
A pained snarl erupted from the God's throat. "Girl, your actions will have consequences you that don't – wait a second! I am doing just fine at My job, you pest! I've been at it far longer than-"
"Yeah, because all the terrorism and genocide totally brought people together for more than a few years."
He scowled up at her. "That wasn't even in this dimension, girl."
She merely shrieked with laughter and kicked at His sides like one would a pony. "Whatever, your Horse-Ship! Onwards!"
"I am not – my name, you insolent brat, is Arceus! And if you persist in being so insulting, I will deem it fit for Mt. Quena to erupt after several thousand years of lying dormant-"
She smirked at Him, not falling for His bluff. He wouldn't demolish her home! "I'll just call you Arcy, how about that?"
Casting His sights into the future and spying the inevitable outcome, He snarled, "Fine. Then I'll be calling you a kitten forever, Kat."
"Whatever," she drawled, and then, with a sigh, prepared to jump from His back. "Now if you won't let me change the future, could you at least bring back my flowers?"
MOMENT 2: WE ARE THE PACKERS!
Two years later, an adult Kat once again crossed her arms and snarled. "You want me as Your mate? Is that Your version of a joke? Because honestly, I don't see how we could possibly fit, and I'm fairly certain that You're not intending to use immaculate conception to get a kid from the arrangement."
He sighed at her words, pawing a hoof at the ground. "What part of the 'I am God' declaration did you not grasp? I can change My shape however I please, quite like your mother can."
The pure adolescent that she was, she merely raised an eyebrow at Him. She wanted proof! "Okay, fine. Do it."
Rolling His eyes, the deity summoned His shape-shifting ability and soon became encompassed in rather obnoxiously bright, white light. Within the glow, His body morphed: the arrangements of His muscles and bones twisted, His stance crooked upwards into that of a bipedal being, and the colors of His pelt adjusted their hues. In the end, He stood before her as a male of her own species, a majority of His fur snowy white; His midriff and tail sunshine gold; and His deep, ageless eyes a striking emerald hue. In all, He was quite a fine specimen of her race, and better yet, He was completely unrelated to her in blood. However, her reaction to His metamorphosis was hardly pleasing: His future partner, to His chagrin, began to laugh herself silly.
"Should I be insulted by your response?"
Between fits of giggles, she gasped out, "Oh – oh, don't be! You're indeed a very purty Mewtwo, but – but You look like one of those nutter football fans who paints their bodies the colors of their team!"
He gritted His teeth. "Again, you've been watching too many alternate dimensions. I could change the colors though, if you truly find it so hil-"
"No, no, I like it. Laughter releases endorphins, right? So if I ever need a good chuckle, this will suffice every time. Besides, it suits you!"
He scowled at her. "I do not know whether to be pleased or insulted by your insolence."
She smirked at Him. "Be pleased. You're getting no other compliments from me for the next four hundred and seventy-eight days."
MOMENT 3: IT'S CLEAR YOU'VE WATCHED TOO MUCH INUYASHA WHEN
A moan, muffled in the covers of her bed, rose when He appeared in her doorway. "Why do You keep coming around? How am I supposed to explain to people that God is arguing with me about getting laid?" For this was their new source of debate.
He smirked at her in amusement. "They already believe you're insane. As for why - it's because you've never bowed to me, not once. Considering your coven is completely out of my control makes you appealing. What fun would it be to say 'Bear my child!' and have the girl obey me without a word of protest for the inconvenient interruption in her life? You at least attempt to say no, even knowing that you'll do it in a matter of centuries."
As she often did, she cursed at Him. "Fuck you, Arcy."
He sat down in her bed and nibbled at her ear. "Please?"
She said nothing, merely rolling away with a growl. He rolled after her, looping an arm about her waist and pulling her against Him. "Would you rather I be female? We can make merry that way just as well. I wouldn't even have to waste my magic material-"
She shoved and kicked at Him, moaning with chagrin at His persistent approach. If He was truly so eager, why couldn't He jerk off like a normal person? Why did He have to continually try to get into her pants? "Agh, shut up!"
And one of her brothers chose that precise moment to walk past her room and overhear her wails. "Katanya, who are you yelling at? And why is your face so red?"
Arcy, who'd noticed his approach, had become invisible to his probing eyes, and was now snickering in her ears.
Privately, she hissed, "Bastard." And she swore she'd commit deicide the first chance she got.
MOMENT 4: DON'T GIVE INTO PEER PRESSURE!
She rolled from beneath Him with a snarl when He attempted to pin her down. Their sparring session had quickly spun into a wrestling match, and from there, completely out of her control. She should've known better than to believe the celibate would behave Himself. He never did!
"I get eight hundred years, damn it!" she growled, lashing the thick of her tail at Him. "And I'm not giving You a Messiah a day sooner!"
He pouted at her, flexing His paw as if in memory of the firmness of her breast beneath His fingers. He'd fallen so far once she'd proven herself His temptress. "Aw, come on, Kat," He whined, His tone reminiscent of that of a hormonal teenager. "You're being no fair-"
Her tail smacked into His face, after which she spat, "Bullshit! You waited this long to get some, and I fully expect You to wait a bit longer, You prick! I said not yet, now go away! You make me look like a crazy person whenever You try to jump me!" As she strode away, she muttered, "God, You're worse than Edward Cullen. At least he let the object of his obsession sleep through the entire night!"
Behind her, He sighed. She had a way of taking His jokes out of hand, now didn't she?
MOMENT 5: DO NOT DISTURB
As she'd dreaded He might, Arcy appeared in His mewtwo form on that day and slid behind her, digging His fingertips into the coiled muscles of her shoulders and back and, curse Him, began to make the knots unwind. Against her will, a purr rose in her throat, which she struggled to quiet, fearing it would encourage Him to do more than just play the masseuse. Thus far, He seemed to be behaving Himself…which, naturally, only made the klaxons in her mind wail louder.
"You're awfully tense today," He murmured against her neck. "What's wrong, kitten?"
"I was fine," she growled, her gaze blurring. "But then I sensed You coming."
His emerald eyes flashed in the murk. "Oh, I see. Did that do something for you?" She didn't respond to His jib. Unusual as that was, a flicker of concern flashed through Him at that. "Kat?"
She attempted to pull away with a soft moan. "Go away! I'm in heat right now, so I'm not in the mood to deal with You!"
Delight flushed through Him, and He tugged her back towards Him with a gleeful cry. "Really?"
And as He pounced, she shrieked, "SHIT! GET OFF!"
Oh, how He hoped he would…!
MOMENT 6: SOME PROBLEMS WON'T GO AWAY IF YOU IGNORE THEM
"Kat, how can you be an atheist when you talk to God regularly?" He asked, so completely thrown by her declaration that He nearly ran into a tree.
Continuing down the path, she said, "I choose not to believe in you, that's all."
"'That's all'?" He echoed, horrified, and then in outrage cried, "But that's - that's so cruel! You know that gods are like fairies: They die if no one believes in Them!"
She didn't even glance back at Him in concern, as if the notion didn't bother her at all. "Well, then, goodbye Tinkerbelle, Ms. Figment-of-My-Imagination."
He now wailed desperately, "But I am not some Disney creation! I'm real! I've given you massages!"
She nodded at that. "Yeah, you're a damn convincing hallucination. I would have never believed that mushrooms were potent enough to make you feel like you're being molested."
"Hey! You liked that!"
A snort was all He received in reply.
MOMENT 7: NOT ALL GIRLS ARE INTO SOUL MATES
After a particularly strenuous debate, the descended god flopped down on her bed and wondered aloud, "You know our union is inevitable, and that you'll be happy with me, so why persist in fighting it?"
Guzzling down her iced tea, Kat replied in a somber tone, which lacked her typical sarcasm, "I'd rather believe I have a choice in whom I take as my mate, frankly."
Laughter welled up within His chest at that. "Come now, I am God! There is no being in existence who can offer you more than Me in every way!"
And just like that, the sarcasm was back. "I would rather not be speared, thank you very much."
And though He'd been around long enough to hear every comeback in the book, He couldn't think up a response to that.
MOMENT 8: MOM, DAD, THIS IS THE BOYFRIEND. TRY NOT TO SCAR HIM. THAT'S MY JOB
Mewtwo and Neva, having barely been capable of imagining their feisty Kat being in a relationship (for her independent streak ran more colorfully in her than any shrew could boast), were noticeably shocked when their daughter dragged a male from the caverns by the tail and grunted, "Mother, father, meet Arcy. Arcy, meet the folks."
He sighed, ceasing His struggles and rubbing His eyes with His fingers. "Kat, can't you at least introduce me with my proper name?"
She shrugged, ignoring the alarm that flashed over her parents' faces at the sound of the male's voice. They knew from its depth that He was paranormal, and so without further ado, she pulled the metaphorical carpet out from beneath their paws. "Fine, how is this? Mother, father, meet God. God, stop trying to screw me. Don't you have pent up priests for that kind of thing?"
"Kat, that is not what I – no, I do not!"
"Sure you don't," she drawled, beginning to walk away.
He cursed and followed along after her. As they left, neither noticed the bewildered, stunned expressions forming on Mewtwo and Neva's faces. Then, with mutual shrugs and shakes of their heads, they too strode away from the encounter. They'd inquire upon the matter later; for now, they didn't want to stumble into something so very...chaotic. All that mattered was that Kat seemed happy, so they'd be content with that. After all, their daughter hardly needed taking care of. But that Arcy…well, it would truly be unfortunate if He actually was God! Because without anyone capable of backing Him up in Heaven, He didn't stand a chance!
MOMENT 9: STUCK IN PARADISE LOST
Glancing up from the book by Milton at him, Katanya said, "You're no God, are you? You're the Devil and You know it. Why don't you go back to Hell?"
Over His own book, Arcy whined, "Come now, Morningstar is such a drag! Always scowling and whining about how I play favorites. You'd hate him. I'm much more fun!"
She returned to reading and muttered, "No wonder he rebelled and had an army backing him. You're a nutter capable of driving anyone up the wall."
In His most melodramatic voice, He lamented, "Ah, Katanya, that wounds me, it truly does! Don't be that way, kitten!"
Her muzzle wrinkled, and her lips curled up over her fangs in a snarl. "Deal with it, Arcy."
The God smirked and uttered under His breath, too quietly for even her sharp ears to pick up, "Always."
MOMENT 10: WHY ME?
"Seriously, Arcy, why choose me?" she asked after what seemed like decades of verbal sparring. "My siblings are all more powerful than I am. All I can do is see things that aren't actually there."
Gazing up at the night sky, He murmured, "But that's exactly why. You have my eyes, Katanya."
Bitterness welled up within her, and glancing away from Him, she whispered, "No, I don't. I don't have my mother's eyes, or my father's eyes, or even my aunt's eyes. I have pale blue eyes, with powers attached to them that my family doesn't understand. Even among misfits, my eyes set me apart."
He reached over, brushing her muzzle with the back of His fingers. "You mistake the intent of my words. I don't mean to remind you of your differences, but show you how we're alike. You see as I see: into every possibility, and into the consequences of those possibilities becoming realities. Already you've manipulated the time-stream to obtain the desirable outcomes for your family, a thing which I do on an entirely larger and more meticulous scale. In the end, however, you understand what it is I do. You understand that from tragedy, something miraculous can occur. While others curse me and claim I don't exist for such atrocities, you comprehend why such sacrifices were made. You're the perfect candidate, the only candidate, to be my partner. And furthermore, you can become my match of your own free will. How could I resist that?"
"…Is that all, Arceus?" she asked, her laughter wry in the deepening dusk. The moon rose higher above them, its silver light reflected in her eyes.
He smiled and humored her. "Of course not. I'm just certain you know the rest. You know I was unaware that anything like this would occur. As you know well, I can't control you or your kind, but I can see your tributaries, the waters you add to the time-stream…and you can scarcely imagine my shock when you were conceived. After all, you didn't anticipate becoming the Queen of Heaven, for who would have thought that the Maker of Destiny might have His own fated companion as well? That was not in the original manuscript, My dear."
Her azure gaze shimmered from amusement (and possibly something else), and a full smile blossomed on her face as He said, "And do not call me Arceus. From you, I far prefer that derisive nickname, Arcy. …Stop laughing at me. Fine, laugh, but at least acknowledge what I've said!"
Her chuckles quieted as she nodded. "Okay, Arcy, as you wish."
At that, a smirk curled across His mouth, and leaning over her, He whispered in a husky voice, "Oh, I hope so-"
She pushed Him away, inwardly lamenting the shift in mood. "And just when I thought that we were having a serious, tender moment!"
He raised an eyebrow at that. "Really now? If that's the case, then perhaps I should use that serious tone in our discussions more often. Maybe then you'd be willing to offer up your virginity-."
She sighed, placing an arm over her eyes. "And we're back to the usual banter. Joy. You'd think you'd give it up already."
He smiled and gazed back up at the rising moon. "Never, love. Never."