Birds and Bees

Severus was, for lack of a better word, on edge. Today was a day he knew was coming up, but if he could turn back time once again, he'd do so in a heartbeat, if only to avoid what he had to do at this very moment. As Potions Master, it was his responsibility to instruct his third-years on the reproductive cycle, which wouldn't have been too much of an issue for him if not for the presence of his own children in the classroom.

"... today," Severus began, addressing the entire class, "we will be discussing the reproductive cycle."

A deathly silence filled the room, only to be broken by a "Blimey."

"Thank you, Mr. Weasley," Severus continued, his voice hardening. "A show of hands: how many of you are already familiar with the topic?"

Lavender Brown's hand was the first to go up, followed by Hermione Granger, Pansy Parkinson, Orion and Sirius Black, Theodore Nott, and Blaise Zabini. Ron Weasley's hand was the last to go up, although sheepishly. Severus wasn't sure to be relieved that he wouldn't have to explain too much or concerned that they already knew about the... process; if he was being honest, he was somewhat surprised that Regulus's sons knew about the subject. At least Harry and Neville hadn't raised their hands.

"Very well," Severus continued. "Mr. Zabini, could you provide a brief summary of what you know?"

"I've heard plenty from my mother," Mr. Zabini began, drawing attention from the rest of the class. He seemed to revel in the attention. "She's told me plenty about the recreational side of-"

"That'll be all, Mr. Zabini," Severus cut in. "Does anyone know of the reproductive side of... procreation?"

"Couldn't you just say 'sex', sir?" Mr. Weasley asked.

"Very well," Severus said. "Can anyone tell the rest of the class the basic mechanics of sexual reproduction? For example: I'm sure we are all aware of the sexual organs of males and females of the human species, yes?"

Everyone but Dudley nodded. Severus wasn't surprised.

"Good," Severus said, not bothering to explain it to Dudley. "Can one of you list the name of the male gamete?"

"The what?" Mr. Weasley asked.

"The male reproductive cell," Severus explained, pushing down his irritation. "That which members of the male sex produce to facilitate reproduction."

"Sperm cells, sir?" Miss Brown asked.

"Correct. And the female reproductive cells are...?"

"Eggs, sir."

"Very good, Miss Brown. Now then, can anyone tell me how the egg is fertilized by sperm?"

No one answered, but Severus could tell some of them somehow knew; Miss Brown's face had reddened, Mr. Weasley's face had blanched, and the Black twins were snickering to themselves.

"Messrs. Black," Severus called out, drawing attention from both Orion and Sirius, "perhaps the two of you wish to explain to the class the process of procreation. The first part, if you're so inclined."

Orion's face immediately went blank, while Sirius was struggling to keep a straight face. "W-well, sir," Sirius began, trying and failing to keep his voice level, "as you well know, it involves a cock and a Chamber of Secrets."

The whole classroom was silent, but only before everyone (excluding Severus, Miss Granger, and Mr. Nott) erupted with laughter. Harry, Dudley, and Mr. Weasley were the loudest; in two out of three cases, Severus was disappointed.

"Silence," Severus called out with minimal effort. The whole class stilled. "Mr. Black, can you explain to me how you believe that to be an appropriate answer for today's lesson?"

"... flattery, sir?" Sirius said, feigning uncertainty.

"Points, an essay, or detention?" Severus asked.

"Sir?"

"Choose your punishment."

"... um... an essay, I suppose."

"Very well. I expect, at the bare minimum, six inches of parchment explaining how to properly answer your professor's questions without devolving into crude humor."

"Don't worry, sir," Sirius replied. "I can go well past six inches."

The other students began laughing, this time more quietly. Miss Brown and Miss Parkinson were now blushing, while Miss Granger rolled her eyes.

"... Mr. Black," Severus said, "choose your second punishment."